|
The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 129)
October
6, 2003
Racist Junkie Groping Nazi Sympathizer Edition
 If
you haven't read the Top 10 list in a while, read it this
week. We've got two, count em, two "Conservative
Idiot Double Plays" this week, with Rush Limbaugh holding
the top two slots (racism and drugs), and Arnold Schwarzenegger
taking the next two (groping and Hitler-admiring). Meanwhile,
we've got John Ashcroft (5) dragging his feet on Traitorgate,
The Bush Administration (6) getting the smack-down on WMDs,
and Donald Rumsfeld (7) making the understatement of the year.
And if that wasn't enough conservative idiocy, we've got a
high school band in Texas (10) waving Nazi flags while playing
"Deutschland Uber Alles." As usual, don't forget
the key!
 Rush
Limbaugh
What a week it was for the vulgar pigboy. Let's start from
the beginning. ESPN recently hired Rush Limbaugh as an NFL
commentator, obviously deciding that the Goodyear Blimp wasn't
enough and football games needed another inflated bag of wind
hovering over the proceedings. But Limbaugh had barely settled
into his seat before managing to make the absurd claim that
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was overrated
by the media just because he's black. Admittedly McNabb has
made a poor start to the season this year, but he has previously
led his team to two NFC Championship games and been selected
to play in the Pro Bowl - see, unlike Rush Limbaugh, Donovan
McNabb's talent isn't just on loan. Limbaugh's suggestion
that McNabb was benefiting from some kind of bizarre media-driven
NFL affirmative action plan drew so much fire that he promptly
handed his resignation
to ESPN, who fetched his coat and held the door open for him
on the way out. So poor Rush had to huff and puff his way
all the back to radioland where nobody cares if you blame
all of life's problems on liberals and black people. But then...
 Rush
Limbaugh
...while still reeling from the ESPN furor, the king of the
dittomonkeys took a second metaphorical blow to the gut -
wham! bam! jiggle jiggle - when it was revealed that
he is currently under
investigation for illegally procuring prescription narcotics.
So for those of you who have ever listened to the pompous
ass's broadcasts and screamed at your radio "Are you
on drugs?!" we hope you feel vindicated. Yup,
if the rumors are true, Rush Limbaugh is a big fat junkie.
Rush's ex-housekeeper Wilma Cline blew the whistle on his
alleged habit, telling prosecutors that as part of a "drug
ring" - which was the initial focus of the investigation
- she had supplied him with pills for four years. Oh boy.
Turns out that the dittoheads' outpouring of sympathy for
Rush's hearing loss might have been a bit premature as well
- apparently doping yourself up to the eyeballs on certain
restricted narcotics can cause damage
to the ears. Not to mention the fact that according to
Bush administration TV ads, if you buy illegal drugs, you're
helping the terrorists. So, let's recap: last week Rush Limbaugh
pulled a Michael Savage on ESPN, resigned in disgrace, and
was subsequently implicated in a drug ring investigation and
reported to be a terrorist-supporting hillbilly-heroin addict.
Don't tell me there isn't a God...
 Arnold
Schwarzenegger
Meanwhile out in California Arnold was also on the ropes after
the L.A. Times published a lo-o-o-ng article featuring
the stories of six
women who claimed to have been groped, manhandled, or
verbally abused by the monosyllabic man-mountain. I won't
go into details here, but the LA Times had to replace
some of the words Arnold apparently used with the words "anus"
and "vagina," so just use your imaginations. In
a surprisingly savvy political move, the groping Austrian
beefcake quickly appeared before a group of his supporters
to apologize
for his wandering hands and inappropriate sexual suggestions,
saying, "Those people that I have offended, I want to
say to them I am deeply sorry about that and I apologize because
that's not what I'm trying to do." He was interrupted several
times by cheering supporters, which was pretty weird in itself;
like, Yaaaaay! Arnold is admitting to sexual battery! Whoo!
He's the guy for me! Arnold also promised that he would
be "a champion for the women." Actually he might
have said "a-chomping on the women," we're not entirely
sure. But then...
 Arnold
Schwarzenegger
...unbelievably, there were yet more embarrassing revelations
to come. ABC News obtained a transcript last week of an "unpublished
book proposal" which apparently contained a "verbatim
transcript" of an interview Arnie gave back in 1975.
The interview contains some fascinating insights
about Governor-in-waiting Schwarzenegger: "I admired Hitler
for instance because he came from being a little man with
almost no formal education, up to power. And I admire him
for being such a good public speaker and for his way of getting
to the people and so on." Uh, yeah, that's the first thing
I think of when someone mentions Hitler. Good public speaker.
But apparently Arnold didn't just like listening to Hitler,
he wanted to be
like him too - "like Hitler in the Nuremberg stadium.
And have all those people scream at you and just being total
agreement whatever you say." You mean, kinda like standing
there admitting to a long drawn-out history of fondling women,
while people yell Hurrah! He's a groper! Go Arnold! Spooky...
 John
Ashcroft
All of which brings us nicely to the topic of John Ashcroft.
Last week John Ashcroft vowed that he would not rest until
he tracked down the person who murdered his wife. No wait,
that was O.J. Simpson. Last week John Ashcroft began a full
investigation of the Bush administration to determine who
leaked the identity of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame
to columnist Robert Novak, dismissing calls for a special
prosecutor. Despite minor issues, like, say, the fact that
Karl Rove was a paid
consultant to three of Ashcroft's political campaigns
back in the 80s and 90s, the Crisco Kid doesn't seem to think
a special prosecutor is necessary to avoid a conflict of interest.
Odd, really - Ashcroft used to be a big fan of special prosecutors.
Back in 1997 he appeared on CNN's "Evans & Novak"
to express
his indignation that a special prosecutor was not appointed
to investigate important matters like Al Gore's alleged use
of a government telephone while fundraising. See - important
matters, not like all this boring national security stuff.
"...You know, a single allegation can be most worthy
of a special prosecutor," said then-Senator Ashcroft.
"If you're abusing government property, if you're abusing
your status in office, it can be a single fact that makes
the difference on that." My, my, how times have changed.
 The
Bush Administration
"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now
has weapons of mass destruction." (Dick Cheney, August 26,
2002). "Right now, Iraq is expanding and improving facilities
that were used for the production of biological weapons."
(George W. Bush, September 12, 2002). "If he declares he has
none, then we will know that Saddam Hussein is once again
misleading the world." (Ari Fleischer, December 2, 2002).
"We know for a fact that there are weapons there." (Ari Fleischer,
January 9, 2003). "Our intelligence officials estimate that
Saddam Hussein had the materials to produce as much as 500
tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent." (George W. Bush,
January 28, 2003). "We know that Saddam Hussein is determined
to keep his weapons of mass destruction, is determined to
make more." (Colin Powell, February 5, 2003). "We have sources
that tell us that Saddam Hussein recently authorized Iraqi
field commanders to use chemical weapons - the very weapons
the dictator tells us he does not have." (George Bush February
8, 2003). "So has the strategic decision been made to disarm
Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction by the leadership
in Baghdad? I think our judgment has to be clearly not." (Colin
Powell, March 8, 2003). "Intelligence gathered by this and
other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues
to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever
devised." (George Bush, March 18, 2003). "We know where they
are. They are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad." (Donald
Rumsfeld, March 30, 2003). "At this point we have found
substantial evidence of an intent of senior level Iraqi
officials, including Saddam, to continue production at
some future point in time of weapons of mass destruction.
We have not found yet, and I'm sure you know this, otherwise
you would know it earlier, we have not found at this point,
actual weapons." (David Kay, chief U.S. weapons inspector
in Iraq, October 3, 2003). Emphasis added to underscore
complete and utter uselessness of entire Bush administration.
 Donald
Rumsfeld
So weapons inspector David Kay has returned from Iraq, and
the news is: no weapons of mass destruction. Oh sure, they
uncovered one or two programs and discovered that the
Iraqis might have wanted to have weapons at some
point in the future, but, uh, no actual weapons. Reaction
from the Bush administration was downright lethargic - surprising
really, considering that they convinced the American people
that we had to invade Iraq before Saddam dropped anthrax down
our chimneys. But head chickenhawk Donald Rumsfeld, he of
the "We know where they are. They are in the area around
Tikrit and Baghdad. North and south and east and west a bit.
They're under Saddam's bed and in his socks. They're in the
breakfast cereal of every Iraqi child. They're in the flowers
and the trees. They're blowing in the wind, somewhere over
the rainbow," seemed particularly
unimpressed. Upon hearing the news of the Kay Report's
conclusions, Rumsfeld said that it would be "unfortunate"
if U.S. intelligence before the war was "dramatically
wrong." Unfortunate? Unfortunate? Pardon me, but
it's unfortunate when you're doing the dishes and you accidentally
break a mug. It's unfortunate when someone backs into you
in a parking lot. I think the situation in Iraq has gone a
little past unfortunate, Donald. How about a downright
bloody disaster? How about a mismanaged, ill-conceived fiasco?
How about a murderous, useless, financially backbreaking fuck-up
of epic proportions? Unfortunate indeed.
 Ernie
Blazar
Here's one for the bad taste files: Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO) fired
his veteran communications director Ernie Blazar last week
for running a political blog called "N8354N" during
work hours, from his Senate computer. And what does "N8354N"
mean? Well, it's the tail number of the plane which Missouri's
Democratic governor Mel Carnahan died in, while running for
Senate in 2000. Hilarious, huh? A subheading on the site read,
"The title of this blog is not random. It marks an inflection
point in current Missouri politics. On that day, the worm
began to turn." Nice. When Blazar's stupidity was exposed,
the site was subsequently deleted. Thank goodness for Google's
cache function, eh? They can find anything.
Ed
Meese
Ed Meese, former U.S. attorney general under Ronald Reagan,
appeared on the "Today" show last week to debate
Nadine Strossen of the ACLU on the subject of the Patriot
Act. Uh, in case you were wondering, Meese is for it. But
when Katie Couric asked him to comment on a statement by the
American Library Association denouncing the Act, the crusty
septuagenarian lost
it and revealed the shocking hidden truth about librarians:
"Librarians are more interested in promoting pornography than
they are in promoting patriotism!" he slobbered. All
right Ed, easy now. This day out to the television studio
seems to have gotten you a little overexcited. Here's your
favorite squeaky toy. Just sit there quietly while the nice
man adjusts your straps, and it won't be long before medicine
time. Okay?
 Charles
Grissom
And finally, here's a hypothetical question: if you were in
charge of the half-time performance at a high school football
game, would you have the marching band play "Deutschland
Uber Alles" while waving Nazi flags around? Heh, of course
you wouldn't - why, that would possibly be the dumbest idea
in the entire world! Ah, but if only someone had pointed
that out to Paris High School's band director Charles Grissom.
Mr. Grissom hit upon the brilliant
idea of staging "Visions of World War II" as a half-time
show, and of course, World War II would hardly be World War
II without Nazis now would it? But unfortunately the plan
backfired when the show almost descended into a riot as the
"Nazi" marching band crossed the field, and the
performers were booed, cursed at, and had missiles thrown
at them from the stands. Uh, duh. Charles Grissom later
apologized for the whole fiasco, saying, "We had an error
in judgment. Our intent was never to cause any harm." He added,
"And anyway, how come Arnold Schwarzenegger can get away
with this stuff and I can't? I'm so angry I could invade Poland."
See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
Nominate
a Conservative for Next Week's List
|
