The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 114)
June 16, 2003
Mission Accomplished Edition

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I could swear I saw Dubya standing in front of a big "Mission Accomplished" banner a couple of weeks ago. Well, mission ain't accomplished folks, which is why the Bush administration are in the number one slot this week. Meanwhile, Congressional Republicans (2) are trying hard to downplay any investigations into the missing WMD scandal, Tom DeLay (4) is up to all kinds of shenanigans, and Larry Craig (5) shows us what Republicans really mean when they say "support the troops." Bringing up the rear we have Trent Lott (7), who thinks people will be interested to read his autobiography (they won't), Halliburton (8), who are cashing in nicely on the war in Iraq, and George W. Bush (10) who... well... you'll see! Enjoy, and don't forget the key.

The Bush Adminstration
Last week Donald Rumsfeld said that while the intelligence community agrees that Iran does not have nuclear weapons, "the assessment is that they do have a very active programme and are likely to have nuclear weapons in a relatively short period of time." Ah yes, the intelligence community. What, is Iran stockpiling aluminum tubes? Have they been shipping uranium from Niger? Are they ready to deploy in 45 minutes? Thank goodness we're right next door in Iraq, so we can put a stop to Iran's nefarious weapons of mass destruction trickery - or liberate their people, whichever happens to be most politically convenient at the time. Mind you, we might have to finish the job in Iraq first, since it's starting to look a bit messy, what with ten US soldiers being killed in just the last two weeks. And there I was thinking that the mission was accomplished - I mean, I haven't seen any "support the troops" rallies for a while. Still, at least we've got the oil flowing again. Or have we? Either, way, it's probably more important than making sure they've got food and water. Yep, now we've freed Iraq just like we freed Afghanistan, and now that we've brought peace to Israel and Palestine, it's probably time to head to Iran and show them who's boss. No, wait, not Iran - North Korea! Boy, it sure is exciting to watch this administration at work. Thank goodness the grown-ups are in charge.

Congressional Republicans
Congressional Republicans are suddenly claiming that Democratic calls for a full-blown investigation into the administration's WMD lies are "simply politics for political gain." But for whose political gain? While Democrats want any investigation to be open to the public - as it surely should be - Republicans want to hold secret hearings behind closed doors, as usual. Doesn't anyone find it odd that the GOP consistently wants to perform the business of the American people in some smoky backroom? Dick Cheney's energy policy meetings, the 9/11 investigations - what is it they don't want us to know? Those Bastards! But it's okay, because fortunately we have stand-up Republicans like Senator John Warner on the case, who claims that "the evidence that I have examined does not rise to give the presumption that anyone in this administration has hyped or cooked or embellished such evidence to a particular purpose." Phew, well that's put my mind at ease. Case closed.

George W. Bush
Senator Ted Kennedy gave Our Great Leader a slap in the face last week when he refused to attend a White House speech on the "No Child Left Behind" act. Why? Well obviously because millions of children are being left behind by Bush's policies. "They simply won't cough up the resources to make school reform work," said Kennedy. No surprise really, since the federal deficit is predicted to exceed $400 billion this year, the largest in history. And that means no money for all the grand things that Bush has promised us, like decent schools and homeland security. But hey, with that $400 you're getting back this year surely you can just buy some more duct tape and plastic sheeting and make yourself a nice secure location to home-school your kids in. Unless you're really poor, of course, in which case you can just drop dead for all Bush cares. Yes, Our Great Leader is certainly running the country like a business. Shame it's turning out just like all his other businesses - a complete failure.

Tom DeLay
It's a double whammy for Tom this week. The Hammer has been caught with his trousers down - along with fellow Republicans Rep. Billy Tauzin, Rep. Joe Barton, and Sen. Richard Shelby - in a quid pro quo spat involving favors for Kansas utility company Westar. According to the Associated Press, "Westar was seeking a federal exemption from regulatory oversight, which could have helped save the company billions of dollars" and allegedly gave $55,000 in campaign donations to the aforementioned Republicans to make it happen. Guess what? It happened. Meanwhile, Tom was standing firm on his policy of robbing the poor to feed the rich, defying White House calls to expand the child tax credit for low-income families without increasing the current tax cut to even more insane and unsustainable levels. Tom's response? "Ain't going to happen." Yup - unless he gets to give even more money to millionaires, the poor can just go rot. Now that's what I call compassionate conservatism.

Larry Craig
Here's one more example of how Republican warmongers support the war, but don't support the troops. Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has blocked the promotions of 850 officers in the U.S. Air Force. According to the New York Times, the promotions were denied to officers at all levels, including young pilots who fought in Iraq and even a general. So what, exactly, did these officers do to deserve such treatment? Absolutely nothing. You see, Senator Craig is having a hissy fit because the Air Force won't station four cargo planes at an Air National Guard base in Boise. Apparently, Craig thought that "supporting the troops" included "using them as pawns in petty power trips." Blackmail: it's the Republican way.

Margaret Carlson
With the release of Hillary's memoir Living History, the pundits have been in full Clinton-bashing mode, and one of the loudest was Time magazine columnist Margaret Carlson, who kept popping up on cable to pile on with everyone else. But Carlson had an ulterior motive. She was piggybacking onto the release of Hillary's Book (Amazon sales rank: 3) to give a shot in the arm to anemic sales of her own, Anyone Can Grow Up: How George Bush and I Made It to the White House (Amazon sales rank: 8,637). Kudos to The Daily Howler for their first rate skewering of Carlson's lies and spin (here and here) about the Clintons. Our personal favorite: in her book, Carlson says, "In high school, friends say [Bill Clinton] was too undisciplined and flabby to play sports, so instead he played sax in the band. He skated through college, borrowed Hillary’s notes at Yale Law, and lost his first political race because he ran an uneven campaign." But here's Carlson back in 1991: "Clinton was Hope’s Doogie Howser, succeeding at everything he tried, the darling of his teachers and one of the first from the area to go to college. He got his bachelor’s degree at Georgetown University, won a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford, then went on to Yale Law School, where he met his wife Hillary. By 1979, 32 years old and back in Arkansas, he was the youngest Governor in the country." Apparently back in '91 Carlson hadn't yet learned that Clinton-bashing was a lucrative business.

Trent Lott
Speaking of books, it looks like someone else might be writing one. Disgraced former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott got the idea as his Senate colleague from the Great State of New York dominated last week's headlines and tore up the bestseller lists. And who can blame him? If everyone wants to read about a former first lady, surely they'd like to hear all about some washed-up old racist. "I'm going to tell all," said the Mississippi Hair Helmet. "Whoo-ee, there are going to be a lot of nervous people around here." Whoo-ee, indeed! One can only imagine the embarrassing dirt that Trent's got: "I was sad when Alan Keyes lost his bid for Senate. We could use a good shoe-shine boy in the Republican cloakroom." ... "I got onto the Congressional bus, and Maxine Waters refused to give up her seat. The nerve!" ... "The billowy white curtains in the Senate washroom were exquisite..."

Halliburton
Well spank me with a haddock and call me Maureen. Who could possibly have predicted this? It turns out that "Halliburton's contract to restart Iraq's oil production has doubled in cost over the past month, and the no-bid work may last longer than expected," according to the Associated Press. Oh, and while the Army originally said that a new contract would be awarded through competitive bidding by August (since Halliburton got the gig without having to compete) they've suddenly changed their minds. You know, I'm stunned. I would never in a million years have guessed that Dick Cheney's former company would somehow manage to get a non-competitive, open-ended, no-ceiling contract to rebuild the country that their ex-CEO just destroyed. I mean, how could an administration of such honor, ethics and integrity possibly allow this to happen? Uh... oh, right. I just figured it out.

Philip Giordano
Looks like it might be time to close the book on Philip Giordano, the ex-mayor of Waterbury, Connecticut, who has been featured many times on this list. Giordano, a Republican who ran for Joe Lieberman's senate seat in 2000, was sentenced last week to 37 years in prison for forcing two 8 and 10 year old girls to perform oral sex on him in his City Hall office. U.S. District Judge Alan Nevas said "This case is the worst I have ever seen," while passing sentence on Giordano. Nevas was originally going to sentence Giordano to a federal sex offender treatment unit, but decided there was no point because "They only help people who admit what they've done." Still, I'm sure we can all take comfort in the knowledge that where Giordano's going, he'll be getting plenty of "treatment."

George W. Bush
And finally: "Using a Segway is so intuitive that it feels as though the thing has somehow been plugged into your central nervous system." Not my words - the words of Fortune magazine. Unfortunately the manufacturers of Segway appear to have reckoned without the central nervous system of a man who can knock himself out with a pretzel.

"It's Segway time! Yeehaw! Watch me pop a wheelie on this mother."

"Wh...whoah..."

"Doh...ohh...ouch..."

"Uh, I meant to do that."

See you next week!