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Phoenix61

(16,949 posts)
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 09:55 AM Jul 2020

Best Divorce Ever!

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech, MIT, and University of California.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

California

41 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Best Divorce Ever! (Original Post) Phoenix61 Jul 2020 OP
Yay more division !!! HotTeaBag Jul 2020 #1
This is more than 10 years old and is kinda shitty. WhiskeyGrinder Jul 2020 #2
The reference to Dollywood mercuryblues Jul 2020 #17
As an East Tennessean SouthernIrish Jul 2020 #34
Having lived in Tennessee, I also agree kcr Jul 2020 #35
Yep. Dolly is an amazing woman. Lucinda Jul 2020 #36
Good stuff! sop Jul 2020 #3
Ahhh Jesus not this again. MuseRider Jul 2020 #4
The divide isn't really a state issue. It's rural vs. urban. OAITW r.2.0 Jul 2020 #5
Exactly. fleur-de-lisa Jul 2020 #9
Plus, why would we want to give up Dollywood? Salviati Jul 2020 #30
You'll have to kick all the racists that live in California out then. cwydro Jul 2020 #6
+1. The vast majority of racist incidents videotaped on social media took place outside the South dalton99a Jul 2020 #14
Leaving behind the liberals in Austin TX, all the African Americans in the South... brooklynite Jul 2020 #7
Almost all the mayors of the large cities in Texas are now Dems. efhmc Jul 2020 #12
Ah hum, THERE ARE LIBERALS throughout Texas not just in Austin MagickMuffin Jul 2020 #22
So, you're going to ditch all the good Democrats who live in Red States? mcar Jul 2020 #8
We are taking trof, his people. And De from Conroe TX, irisblue Jul 2020 #20
Don't be dissing Dollywood. Dolly Parton is a national treasure. Merlot Jul 2020 #10
Yeah, i didn't get the hate directed at Dolly or Dollywood either BannonsLiver Jul 2020 #41
Get a grip people sorcrow Jul 2020 #11
We'll get you on the flyover tax and your beaches aren't so great. aikoaiko Jul 2020 #13
At least they have beaches. Boomerproud Jul 2020 #16
Yeah, the best politician in the history of the world hailed from New York City dalton99a Jul 2020 #15
Pointing out FDR was from NY, is kinda pushing it Dalton irisblue Jul 2020 #19
The one that pushed thru and signed the Civil Rights Act GulfCoast66 Jul 2020 #39
I got enough Michigan people who will vouch for me irisblue Jul 2020 #18
"There are no red states or blue states, just the United States." President Barack Obama MagickMuffin Jul 2020 #21
LMAO that no one remembers Elliot Spitzer. WhiskeyGrinder Jul 2020 #23
Yep, he did have his "moment in the spotlight," didn't he. calimary Jul 2020 #24
I've been saying for decades that the Blue States are in a very bad marriage with the Red States OMGWTF Jul 2020 #25
This was old when it was originally posted. It was crap then, it's crap now. GoneOffShore Jul 2020 #26
That means they get the Grand Canyon ChazII Jul 2020 #27
New Mexico is IN... we can build a bridge across AZ. TygrBright Jul 2020 #28
As a Texas I deeply resent your comments about flying_wahini Jul 2020 #29
California, you forgot to mention sarge43 Jul 2020 #31
Well, it will never happen but if Washington. Oregon, and California were to Doreen Jul 2020 #32
Sorry, you lost me LittleGirl Jul 2020 #33
Wow, this is old. Tommy_Carcetti Jul 2020 #37
Some people try to be part of the solution... n/t Lucinda Jul 2020 #38
Yeah, this is helpful and not anything like red states who have pushed for secession BannonsLiver Jul 2020 #40

mercuryblues

(14,489 posts)
17. The reference to Dollywood
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 11:24 AM
Jul 2020

is way off base.

Dolly Parton is IMO very liberal and caring. She supports transgender rights. Has created several different scholarship programs for kids. Is paying the employees their wages during Covid shutdown, and more.

https://theboot.com/dolly-parton-charity-work/

Dolly Parton, drag star Nina West launch charity collection benefitting LGBTQ+ youth

https://ew.com/celebrity/dolly-parton-nina-west-kindness-queen-collection/

SouthernIrish

(512 posts)
34. As an East Tennessean
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 01:02 PM
Jul 2020

I wholeheartedly agree. Some people in blue states seem to dismiss the people like us in red states. Kind of a piss poor attitude if you ask me. Life is harder when you are a Democrat in a red state. That is something that a blue state Democrat couldn't comprehend.

kcr

(15,300 posts)
35. Having lived in Tennessee, I also agree
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 03:03 PM
Jul 2020

It was tough. There are a few things I miss, but that aspect of it sucked.

MuseRider

(34,057 posts)
4. Ahhh Jesus not this again.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 10:05 AM
Jul 2020

Not certain how many times we have dealt with this stupid thing but over and over.

Anyone who thinks this is funny or a good idea can go do something to themselves (trying not to get hidden).

Too chickenshit to actually stay and try to help those of us who have been working for years for the small incremental improvements we have? Fine, we need to stand brave and not have those who run away when they going gets tough.

OAITW r.2.0

(23,810 posts)
5. The divide isn't really a state issue. It's rural vs. urban.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 10:13 AM
Jul 2020

Every Blue State has rural Red voters. Every Red State has urban Blue voters.

Salviati

(6,002 posts)
30. Plus, why would we want to give up Dollywood?
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:43 PM
Jul 2020

I'm the furthest thing from a country music fan, but Dolly Parton is a national treasure.

 

cwydro

(51,308 posts)
6. You'll have to kick all the racists that live in California out then.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 10:16 AM
Jul 2020

Seems everyday there is another "Karen" thread that takes place in CA.

dalton99a

(81,065 posts)
14. +1. The vast majority of racist incidents videotaped on social media took place outside the South
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 11:06 AM
Jul 2020


efhmc

(14,709 posts)
12. Almost all the mayors of the large cities in Texas are now Dems.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 10:56 AM
Jul 2020

Some other Dems probably voted for them.

MagickMuffin

(15,886 posts)
22. Ah hum, THERE ARE LIBERALS throughout Texas not just in Austin
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 11:35 AM
Jul 2020

Good Grief the crap people think about Texans is astounding.

irisblue

(32,828 posts)
20. We are taking trof, his people. And De from Conroe TX,
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 11:32 AM
Jul 2020

@Asscat, & @BlueHeron and Alla those goats...
And...

Merlot

(9,696 posts)
10. Don't be dissing Dollywood. Dolly Parton is a national treasure.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 10:56 AM
Jul 2020

She's probably done more for poor people in her state than her state has.

sorcrow

(410 posts)
11. Get a grip people
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 10:56 AM
Jul 2020

Yes, this is a few years old, but for heaven's sake, it is satire not the frickin' Articles of Secession.

Best regards,
Crow

MagickMuffin

(15,886 posts)
21. "There are no red states or blue states, just the United States." President Barack Obama
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 11:32 AM
Jul 2020

And . . . What will be your remedy to rid yourselves of your racism and militias that exists in California, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast?

And that's is definitely fooked up logic. Whoever dreamt this up is not an American.

OMGWTF

(3,891 posts)
25. I've been saying for decades that the Blue States are in a very bad marriage with the Red States
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:06 PM
Jul 2020

and I want a divorce. They take, take, take, cause all kinds of problems, they're willfully ignorant and hateful and they don't appreciate the Blue States one iota. I have fking had it! I want a divorce.

GoneOffShore

(17,308 posts)
26. This was old when it was originally posted. It was crap then, it's crap now.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:10 PM
Jul 2020

You win a great big spoon for stirring shit.

Just take the post down.

ChazII

(6,198 posts)
27. That means they get the Grand Canyon
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:10 PM
Jul 2020

Bryce Canyon, Monument Valley, the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest to name a few.

TygrBright

(20,733 posts)
28. New Mexico is IN... we can build a bridge across AZ.
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:33 PM
Jul 2020

But my bet is AZ will be wantin' in pretty quick, too.

hopefully,
Bright

sarge43

(28,939 posts)
31. California, you forgot to mention
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:48 PM
Jul 2020

that a fair share of US military installations are in red states. So they will be closed down and all personnel with all the stuff will be relocated to the Blue USA. Red states will have to depend upon their fat ass 'militia' types for defense. Good luck with that.

Doreen

(11,686 posts)
32. Well, it will never happen but if Washington. Oregon, and California were to
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:49 PM
Jul 2020

join together they would have everything between them to support themselves. They could be their own country.

LittleGirl

(8,261 posts)
33. Sorry, you lost me
Fri Jul 3, 2020, 12:55 PM
Jul 2020

when you mentioned Dolly Parton who is a national treasure and should win the metal of honor and a Nobel Peace Prize.

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