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Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:11 PM Feb 2021

This COVID thing is not over - and I'm being held mask-hostage by my spouse - AGAIN

I'm beyond pissed and looking for suggestions.

The new strain(s) of COVID are not only more contagious - but also more deadly. Nonetheless, my spouse, once again, decided to go inside someone else's house and eat (i.e. take her mask off). This person is a legal client. Not even a relative or a close friend (although I'm not comfortable with her being unmasked around those categories either). Her reasoning is that they are so isolated and she is so isolated so she has to do something to build their trust. (No, it makes no sense - isolation, yes. But you don't need to remove your mask to build trust with a paying client {who has already decided to let you into her home} - especially when you have a wife with 2, potentially 3 cancers and diabetes.)

I would not even have known (to be able to protect myself), except for the fact that she brought leftovers home - and I asked. We've lost friends in the last couple of weeks to COVID who don't know where they got it from because they were really being careful . . . except when they went out without a mask; except for that birthday dinner, except . . . " I probably know 100 people who have had COVID, and 20 who have serious long-term effects - or who have died.

She has promised, repeatedly, that she won't take her mask off indoors with people who are not members of our household. And, repeatedly, she breaks her word. I caught her a week ago ordering food for her and her clients (different ones) and was able to make a big enough stink that she canceled her order. She says she did not take her mask off in their home - and, so far, when I've pinned her down with specific questions she gives me an honest answer . . . albeit sometimes after giving evasive incomplete answers first.

When she left this morning, I thought about saying something to her, since I knew she was going to visit a client. But I didn't because I hate to assume that every time she goes outside of the house she is going to break her promise to me and stop wearing her mask - and it was about a week from the last almost oops so I thought the recollection of my anger would be fresh enough.

Despite having 2 cancers and diabetes, it will be more than a month before I can get vaccinated. So there's nothing I can do to protect myself short of masking 24/7 and sleeping separate from my spouse.

My spouse's suggestion after I blew up today was, "Get a shot." She knows darn well, as a member of the board of the local health department, that it will be at least a month before I am eligible to register - for one of the very few slots that are available. All she will promise is that she will do her best. So I'm pretty bummed and am into being passive aggressive (well, not even really passive).

I'm about to post a 14-day count-down on the bathroom mirror to remind her of the consequences she has imposed on me because she apparently doesn't care enough about my health to manage to keep her damn mask on for an hour or two.

I'd love:

suggestions for short pithy sayings (E.g. 1 hour of freedom for you = 84 hours of captivity for me - or - Practice saying: “Sorry! I’d love to eat with you – but my spouse has an aggressive cancer and she cannot get a vaccine for at least another month. I can’t afford to put her life at risk.”)

OR anything you have found that helps to keep a recalcitrant family member from bringing COVID home to the family.

At this point, I'm seriously considering taking an air mattress to work for the next month.

56 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
This COVID thing is not over - and I'm being held mask-hostage by my spouse - AGAIN (Original Post) Ms. Toad Feb 2021 OP
I'm sorry, I have no advice. Turin_C3PO Feb 2021 #1
Thanks. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #2
Yes, to me she sounds horribly inconsiderate. Turin_C3PO Feb 2021 #4
Tbh this sounds like a bigger problem than Covid. WhiskeyGrinder Feb 2021 #3
Yes - Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #13
My only suggestion is that WhiteTara Feb 2021 #5
That's what I'm doing right now. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #14
The only thing I can say is that you can only change your behavior Merlot Feb 2021 #6
When her actions put me at risk - my anger is justified. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #15
No, I wasn't implying it was all in your mind. It 's very real. Merlot Feb 2021 #40
You can't control her behavior, and pithy sayings (aka magical incantations) will not matter. Politicub Feb 2021 #7
You are unfortunately correct - and she is not ignorant about COVID. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #17
I would be, too. And sad if my husband didn't take my health more seriously. Politicub Feb 2021 #19
Can you move out for awhile, at least until you can get vaccinated? The Velveteen Ocelot Feb 2021 #8
Not really. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #20
A straightforward solution nocoincidences Feb 2021 #9
This is the third time I'm doing just that. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #21
If she has memory issues PatSeg Feb 2021 #42
Some memory impairment - Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #49
It sounds very challenging PatSeg Feb 2021 #51
She got fairly dramatically worse Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #53
I have maybe a far-fetched opinion... Croney Feb 2021 #10
There may be something to that. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #22
Do what people who have Covid do. BigmanPigman Feb 2021 #11
Unfortunately - Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #24
My hubby and I had a big fight one day marlakay Feb 2021 #12
I got mostly silence today, in response to similar arguments. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #25
Be careful how you do it marlakay Feb 2021 #36
Oh gosh Dorian Gray Feb 2021 #16
I'll be sleeping in the living room Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #26
Aw, Ms. Toad Dorian Gray Feb 2021 #32
The recliner is comfortable Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #35
It absolutely isn't too much to ask Dorian Gray Feb 2021 #41
Ask her: Pobeka Feb 2021 #18
I'm afraid that at least blunt, if not confrontational, is required at this point. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #27
Sorry you are in this truly difficult situation. enough Feb 2021 #23
Pretty much what I'm doing. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #28
I don't think I would bother to argue anymore, it's exhausting and getting you no where. MerryBlooms Feb 2021 #29
Thanks for the suggestion - Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #30
It's not a threat, don't look at it that way. MerryBlooms Feb 2021 #34
The point is it comes out my pocket. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #38
This is tough. LuckyCharms Feb 2021 #31
Thanks! n/t Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #50
two things njd2025 Feb 2021 #33
I'm sorry this is happening. haele Feb 2021 #37
Sounds just like my spouse. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #39
If you live in the right circumstances, have the physical capability, and the financial resources, Roisin Ni Fiachra Feb 2021 #43
Your spouse is a selfish asshole Drahthaardogs Feb 2021 #44
When I go to work, and I work a lot ismnotwasm Feb 2021 #45
Thanks! Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #47
You asked - I'm giving my opinion...it is not a good one. Tommymac Feb 2021 #46
You're seeing a snippet of the relationship. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #52
Your last sentence says it all... Tommymac Feb 2021 #54
Again - this conflict is less than one year out of 40. Ms. Toad Feb 2021 #56
I know how you feel. Nt ecstatic Feb 2021 #48
You already posted the solution to your problem...you just don't like it. Captain Stern Feb 2021 #55

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
2. Thanks.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:22 PM
Feb 2021

I'm not sure anyone has any good ideas. When I describe my spouse's behavior, most people are dumbfounded.

Turin_C3PO

(13,649 posts)
4. Yes, to me she sounds horribly inconsiderate.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:25 PM
Feb 2021

I’m not trying to insult your wife but I’d be pretty pissed if I were you. I have CF and luckily my family has been very good about isolating and masking up. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this while going through cancer.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
13. Yes -
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:50 PM
Feb 2021

There's a fair amount of relationship and ego damage associated with her diagnosis perhaps a decade ago with mild cognitive impairment. She was fired from one job, was booted from a PhD program, and has been unable to get full-time employment since then. After the first two in that list (accompanied by my personal observations) I finally got her to agree to be tested for memory issues. Getting tested was, unfortunately, a battle and did a fair amount of relationship damage.

What I didn't know, until after diagnosis, was that the nature of her impairment (primarily to her executive reasoning) made it impossible for her to recognize she was impaired. An incompetent medical provider exascerbated the problem by insisting that any reports I provided him with about her progress/losses be made in her presence. Since she still believes she is unimpaired, describing to the practitioner in her presence, the evidence that it was better, worse, or stable did more damage. (The standard for memory care is for the caregiver to meet privately with the practitioner.)

The good news is that she has been relatively stable for the past few years - and still functions well enough that only her siblings have independently noticed.

But not having a regular job and having a lot of the volunteer work she was doing regularly makes her more isolated, and she is an extrovert so the lockdown has been harder on her. That said, she is not impaired enough that she can't follow a simple rule: If you're in a room with someone you don't live with - wear a mask. She just chooses not to.

WhiteTara

(29,676 posts)
5. My only suggestion is that
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:26 PM
Feb 2021

you wear a mask at all times in your own home. Or take that air mattress to the office.
Good luck

Merlot

(9,696 posts)
6. The only thing I can say is that you can only change your behavior
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:26 PM
Feb 2021

which means if she makes you feel that you are at risk you need to do what ever you can to feel safe. It may be inconvenient but do what you need and try not to get angry about it. Tall order I know but these are unusual times.

Best of luck.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
15. When her actions put me at risk - my anger is justified.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:57 PM
Feb 2021

I am taking steps to protect myself. This is the 3rd time I've had to wear a mask 24/7. The last time came the same day I read her and my daughter the riot act. My spouse was exposed that same day; my daughter was exposed 2 days later. So it isn't a matter of "feel"ing safe - it is a matter of actually being safe.

I apologize if I'm misreading your response - but in my current mood it feels a bit like you're telling me it's all in my mind.



Merlot

(9,696 posts)
40. No, I wasn't implying it was all in your mind. It 's very real.
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 03:44 AM
Feb 2021

Sorry that my post may have caused more stress for you. Your anger is justified, no doubt.

Take care.

Politicub

(12,163 posts)
7. You can't control her behavior, and pithy sayings (aka magical incantations) will not matter.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:27 PM
Feb 2021

The only behavior you can control is your own.

Therefore, you may need to take matters into your own hands and get a hotel room (or use the air-mattress-at-work solution you describe).

Your spouse sounds like a smart person, so it's not like there's any excuse for ignorance about Covid. That's why I don't think anything you say will change her mind or behavior.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
17. You are unfortunately correct - and she is not ignorant about COVID.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:59 PM
Feb 2021

I'm just pissed that for the third time I'm forced to live in my home the same way I do when I'm around strangers.

Politicub

(12,163 posts)
19. I would be, too. And sad if my husband didn't take my health more seriously.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:01 PM
Feb 2021

I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else that has been thrown into disarray because of COVID.

The Velveteen Ocelot

(115,267 posts)
8. Can you move out for awhile, at least until you can get vaccinated?
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:27 PM
Feb 2021

Because it doesn't sound like she's going to change her behavior.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
20. Not really.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:03 PM
Feb 2021

Our daughter has a $200,000 a year medical condition, has been unable to find full employment because of the fatigue associated with it. She's had to go through three insurance companies in the last year - and is about to start on the 4th. Because of the high expenses, that means $8000-$10,000 more for her health care (since every new plan requires us to pay the max out of pocket in the first month). My spouse hasn't worked more than part time in more than a decade. I took a 60+% pay cut a few years ago for my sanity - and my pay was cut because of state cutbacks in funding to universities.

So I don't really have the money to go somewhere else.

nocoincidences

(2,194 posts)
9. A straightforward solution
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:28 PM
Feb 2021

is for you to constantly wear a mask around her, and isolate within the house from her. One of you sleeps on the couch, one in the bed. Eat separately.

Make sure she understands that you have to do this for the next few months til your vaccination takes hold, because she continues to engage in risky behavior.

If she refuses to protect you, be firm about protecting yourself.

And if she still doesn't get it, take the frickin' air mattress to work!!

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
21. This is the third time I'm doing just that.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:04 PM
Feb 2021

And also the point of the count-down I'm about to start posting on the bathroom mirror to remind her daily.

PatSeg

(46,773 posts)
42. If she has memory issues
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 07:05 AM
Feb 2021

Posting reminders sounds like a really good idea. Sorry you have to go through all this.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
49. Some memory impairment -
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 03:31 PM
Feb 2021

but more executive reasoning impairment, which sometimes looks like a lack of impulse control becase it impairs the ability to think several steps ahead. I'm not sure the signs will help - but maybe if they keep the consequences in the forefront of her memory rather than a few steps out.

PatSeg

(46,773 posts)
51. It sounds very challenging
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 03:36 PM
Feb 2021

especially given the stakes for you are so high. Do you feel she has gotten worse?

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
53. She got fairly dramatically worse
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 04:17 PM
Feb 2021

near the time of her diagnosis around a decade ago. Two Alzheimer's meds mostly stabilized her after about 5 years. Not much new decline since then - the decline pretty much wobbles around the level she reached about 5 years ago. (So not worse since COVID started.)

Croney

(4,646 posts)
10. I have maybe a far-fetched opinion...
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:29 PM
Feb 2021

Your spouse seems to be in denial about the necessity of protecting you, and that could stem from inability to face the prospect of actually losing you to one of your health concerns or to Covid.

If she can't face losing you, she can justify (to herself) denying that you're really sick and that you need protection. It sounds like you're greatly loved. I hope that's true.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
22. There may be something to that.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:08 PM
Feb 2021

With my most recent diagnosis - since I know she is scared of losing me to cancer - I gave her the facts but tried not to emphasize things like 50% mortality in 5 years.

I overheard her - after a firm diagnosis, after the surgery to remove the cancer - telling someone that we were waiting to hear if it was cancer. So there is a bit of denial there. (There's also likely a 3rd cancer awaiting diagnosis. She was in on the conversation with the doctor about that but it also seemed to surprise her last night.)

Fortunately, I was as aggressive as the cancer in rooting it out, so my chances are considerably better than average) and the 3rd cancer (if confirmed) is likely self-contained.

BigmanPigman

(51,430 posts)
11. Do what people who have Covid do.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:31 PM
Feb 2021

Act like she has it. Make her wear a mask 100% of the time she is in your home. Make a "limited use" map of all the places in the house where she is not allowed, even with a mask (kitchen, bathroom, bedroom). Maybe the inconvenience will make her act more responsibly. Maybe make her live in the basement or attic or laundry room (Chris Cuomo had to live in the basement when he was sick). She is acting like someone who wishes you'd get ill, what other excuse is there for making you risk your life and her non-stop lying. Is she that self absorbed?

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
24. Unfortunately -
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:13 PM
Feb 2021

She's not going to wear a mask in the house. She does have some valid reasons for not wearing it for extended periods of time - allergies that make her nose run or stuff up.

Althogh the flip of that was actually what got her to avoid the incident a week ago. I emphasized how unfair it was for her to refuse to wear a mask for an hour - when that hour of freedom forced me to wear 1 or 2 masks in the house 24/7.

My daughter did live in the garage for 2 weeks following her exposure. Whenever she came in briefly she double-masked. When she needed to shower we ran the exhaust fan, folllowedd by an air purifier with a .3 micron filter for a couple of hours before anyone else went in the bathroom.

marlakay

(11,370 posts)
12. My hubby and I had a big fight one day
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:36 PM
Feb 2021

Over his not being as careful this was many months ago, I said Are you trying to kill me? Do you want me to die? Dead silence.

Instead of bugging him about his behavior after that I just started telling him every few days how the cases in our town were doing and I made everything sound even worse than it was. It worked he is very careful now.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
25. I got mostly silence today, in response to similar arguments.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:14 PM
Feb 2021

I may add some stats to my daily count-down. Or perhaps list the names of our friends who have been severely ill or died. That's not a bad idea.

marlakay

(11,370 posts)
36. Be careful how you do it
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:57 PM
Feb 2021

I would just add as a afterthought or a little tidbit. And leave the room after never acting like I was trying to say anything. it was manipulative yes but desperate times.

Dorian Gray

(13,469 posts)
16. Oh gosh
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 09:59 PM
Feb 2021

I'm so sorry. I don't have much advise other than living with someone who is showing you common courtesy is really tough. You both obviously have slightly different comfort levels with activities. Because you are the one living with illness and are more vulnerable, she should defer to your parameters. That she won't shows a lack of care.

Please take care of yourself. You probably don't have alternatives, but perhaps consider a separate bedroom for the time being? Maybe you can have a neutral party help you talk this out so it doesn't devolve into a fight?

Best wishes here. And I hope your health issues are in check.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
26. I'll be sleeping in the living room
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:20 PM
Feb 2021

(During the day she mostly stays in the family room - which makes sleeping masked in my recliner in the living room relatively safe.)

I agree that she ought to be the one to yield, but that doesn't seem to be happening.

I'm 2 months (and 3 surgeries) out from the sarcoma diagnosis; 4 years from breast cancer. About a month out from a likely 3rd diagnosis (if it is what is suspected, it is generally self-contained and slow growing). I have to watch very carefully for the next 5 years, and I'm dealing with carpal tunnel symptoms that seem to have been caused by taking a huge chunk out of the back of my forearm. But - all in all, since they now generally treat sarcoma with limb-sparing surgery rather than amputation - not bad.

Dorian Gray

(13,469 posts)
32. Aw, Ms. Toad
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:39 PM
Feb 2021

That is a lot on your plate. I am sorry that your spouse isn't being generous to you with her considerations. It sucks.

I'm sorry you're sleeping in the living room. I hope you're most comfortable there and that is why you're choosing to do so. You've got my best wishes, which don't help much, but hoping that an empathetic ear relieves some of your frustration.

All I can say is that we've all given up so much this past year, and maybe she's reached her breaking point. It's not fair to you, who needs to be cautious in the upcoming months. But, the last year has played mind games on everyone, and it seems like we aren't all being our best selves. I'm truly sorry it's causing you more stress.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
35. The recliner is comfortable
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:54 PM
Feb 2021

I had a rib removed in 2009 - which made sleeping flat excruciating. I knew that in advance from others who had been through the surgery - so it was bought with sleeping in mind. It's a bit padding-bare, but with a strategicaly place pillow it's still pretty good.

Not really my choice - but its the only safe, affordable, alternative since I have to treat her as if she has COVID for the next 14 days. And I probably need to continue to do so after that since I can't trust her to tell me when she's exposed herself if I don't catch her in the act.

I'm sure she has reached her breaking point - but so have I, and I really don't think wearing a mask on the few occasions when she needs to meet face to face with someone, for an hour or so at a time, is too much to ask.

Dorian Gray

(13,469 posts)
41. It absolutely isn't too much to ask
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 06:53 AM
Feb 2021

I've seen a lot of normally decent people behaving in ways that I think of as selfish right now. My own family (mother/father/brother) have lied to me about activities they've participated in unmasked before we were supposed to see them at the holidays. I'm sure they're afraid of being "judged" by me, but what they are actually doing is taking my own informed decision making from me. (Since I don't live with them, it's easy to override this by not going to see them OR wearing a mask if I do.) That's obviously way more difficult when the dynamic exists in your own home. I'm so so sorry.

Pobeka

(4,999 posts)
18. Ask her:
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:01 PM
Feb 2021

"How many people are you willing to risk killing or having long term health consequences from COVID for these encounters?, I need to know the number. It's already at 1 (pointing to yourself)".

Perhaps that's too confrontational, but it is the simple fact that's the trade-off she's willing to make.

I wish you luck, however it proceeds and turns out.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
27. I'm afraid that at least blunt, if not confrontational, is required at this point.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:22 PM
Feb 2021

I guess my only question is whether it is worth the relationship damage - or if I should just resign myself to living masked for the next 2-3 months.

enough

(13,235 posts)
23. Sorry you are in this truly difficult situation.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:10 PM
Feb 2021

As others have said, it seems you have to focus completely on self protection and get as much distance from her as you can for at least the next few months. She’s not going to participate in taking care of you, so you have to do it. Sleeping apart for sure, eating separately as much as possible, and spending as much time as possible in different areas of your home. When you can’t do that, definitely wear the best mask you can devise. It’s terribly hard, but you can’t count on her in this situation, so don’t look to her for help. Take care of yourself and don’t spend time trying to convince her or make her change.

MerryBlooms

(11,728 posts)
29. I don't think I would bother to argue anymore, it's exhausting and getting you no where.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:24 PM
Feb 2021

I'd use a joint CC account or their CC and rent a hotel room for 5 days. Have my bag packed. Upon their return, tell the spouse there is a room rented for 10 days on our/your account... Are you going or am I? Inform them you're prepared to do this every time they put your health at risk. Be prepared for their answer and be prepared to leave. That's what I would do, and that's what I did once, many years ago when my husband (rip) was battling some anger issues and taking it out on us. Very difficult times, but he chose to leave for one night. It gave him time to think and center himself. It helped, and he agreed to see a counselor. He was dying of cancer, and so very angry... He needed professional help, it was so complicated. Anyway, I hope things get better for you. Take care.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
30. Thanks for the suggestion -
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:31 PM
Feb 2021

She's already answered that question - I should go to the hotel.

And, unfortunately, I've been the main breadwinner for at least a decade so it's not much of a threat.

MerryBlooms

(11,728 posts)
34. It's not a threat, don't look at it that way.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:52 PM
Feb 2021

It's a cooling off period and a chance for reflection. If you don't keep a diary or journal, I would start... And an old fashion one- Treat yourself to something nice and maybe a textured cover, with good paper, a lovely pen. I find physical writing helps me. I think it would be good for you to go to the hotel. You will have a chance to settle your mind and heart, know you're not in danger, relax... Freedom of thought without interruption. Treat yourself.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
38. The point is it comes out my pocket.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 11:02 PM
Feb 2021

And since the separation, realisitcally, needs to be about 2.5 months, it isn't something I can really afford - given the rest of our short and long term financial reality. (Although the current risk is only for about 14 days, it will be at least a month before I'm eligible to start getting vaccinated - and 2.5 months before I'm relatively protected.)

I will be spending a lot more time at work - where I have an office to myself and can take my mask off.

(Ironically - I did drawings during radiation for breast cancer 4+ years ago, so I know how helpful that can be. The tumor that was removed in December was in my right (dominant) arm. I was prohibited from using it at all for 35 days and - now that I can use it - the swelling from the surgery on the forearm seems to be compressing the carpal tunnel, so I still can't use it for writing or drawing or anything of that nature. Typing requires a lot less pressure - but I will also be getting talk-to-text software as soon as work can obtain it to minimize even that aggravation.)

LuckyCharms

(17,278 posts)
31. This is tough.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:37 PM
Feb 2021

I'll tell you what I would do though.

You need to be away from your wife until you are fully vaccinated.

As I scrolled through this thread, I see that my first choice is not possible for you, and that would be...finding a cheap motel room and staying there until you are fully vaccinated. I'm talking about one of those older, single story motels with an entrance from the outside, with an understanding with the front desk that no one is to enter your room (ie:cleaning staff). Where I live, there are several motels of this type where you can negotiate a rental rate. They are basic, but they are clean. They are owned by a sole proprietor.

However, even though they are inexpensive, it may be cost prohibitive for most of us considering the amount of time you would be staying there.

Therefore, my second option would be your last sentence...stay at work with an air mattress.

It's difficult to give perfect advice because so many factors come into play that only you would know about. Living in a cheap motel or living at work for a month or two is difficult on its own, but when you add your specific situational factors into the mix, these options may be unbearable.

I'm sorry that you even have to ponder this situation. Just the other day, my wife told me she was glad she married me, partly because we think the same way about protecting each other from Covid. That being said, and people being people, we took our dog to the vet yesterday. You cannot enter the vet office because of their Covid rules, so they have a tech come out to your car to get your pet and bring them into the office. Our dog refuses to be handed over to a tech, so my wife has to walk with my dog and the tech to the front door of the office, where my wife then turns the dog over to the tech just inside the door. As I watched her do this in my side view mirror, I noticed that my wife got into a conversation with the tech as they walked the rather long distance to the door. While conversing, the tech and my wife gradually drifted together until their heads were about 6 inches apart as they walked. When my wife returned to the car, all I said was "6 inches is not 6 feet". Her response: "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I let my guard down".

So even when you are of the same mindset as your spouse, it's hard not to slip up. Therefore, I think the only solution is to temporarily remove yourself from the risk and stay somewhere else. But again, this would not be possible for most people. It's a very difficult situation.

 

njd2025

(27 posts)
33. two things
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 10:48 PM
Feb 2021

First, no matter what is making you angry, people and situations only take away from you what you let them. Don't let them. Freedom can't be taken. Freedom can't be given. Freedom comes from within. As long as we are shackled by our fears and anxieties we will never be free. Only the brave choose to be free. Whatever it is driving your anxieties let it go. It will create an open space for you to give and receive love from your spouse.

Second, your health. I have the same issues. Recently, starting January 1st, I decided to start a "NEW PROGRAM". I started lifting weights and exercising on my stationary bike 40 minutes per day. My goal was to exercise 1 hour per day every single day of January. It was a little difficult at first. But I've lost 20 pounds and I feel the best I've felt in at least 15 or 20 years. I took 3 days off feb 1st and I'm back to doing 1 hour per day. My blood work is coming up in a week.

Oh, and one more thing. For the last 30 days leading up to the blood work I've stopped eating all forms of animal fat. It's not that I have a bleeding heart for tasty furry creatures. It's just that I have high cholesterol and heart disease. And I read getting rid of animal fat from your diet as been shown to actually heal a person's vascular system. So I am putting it to the test.

The other thing for fighting covid is vitamin C. I'm a big believer in vitamin C. For 30 years now I've been taking 1 to 2 grams per day of vitamin C. Compare to my friends I never get sick. And I have the least amount of gray hear of everyone I know. I think it's all the anti-oxidants I've taken over the years. Plus I have to stay absolutely healthy or I will never pay off my mortgage in 12 years.

haele

(12,581 posts)
37. I'm sorry this is happening.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 11:01 PM
Feb 2021

Some people can be so desperate for "normal" that they are "forgetting" COVID because they emotionally can't get themselves to change established social habits for community and personal safety. A employee in another division had the same issue, until he got sick, he could talk to the importance of COVID protocols and he understood the seriousness of the situation, but he just could not give up the occasional nights with his buddies playing cards, joking and smoking.
He died on a ventilator last month. ☹️. I know his supervisor, he was counseled about this several times over the years, along with another of his co-workers who also participated.
He loved his wife, he loved his kids, he was an enthusiastic worker, even as we switched to telework, but he just could not give up those card nights.

Again, so sorry. Take the best care of yourself you can.

Haele

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
39. Sounds just like my spouse.
Tue Feb 16, 2021, 11:06 PM
Feb 2021

Not card nights, but lunches with clients she perceives as lonely and isolated, or siblings who couldn't possibly give her COVID.

And, fortuanately, not sick yet. She's had vaccine #1 (she's enough older that she was eligible before the "several weeks' break" imposed in Ohio at 65+). So that will make her lapses safer for her. I hope they also make her lapses safer for me but there's no solid evidence on that front yet.

Roisin Ni Fiachra

(2,574 posts)
43. If you live in the right circumstances, have the physical capability, and the financial resources,
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 09:52 AM
Feb 2021

you could buy a cheap beater fully self contained motorhome, or self contained travel trailer, park it in your driveway or yard, and stay in there most of the time.

A less expensive option, if you have a spare room in which to isolate, is to use camping gear and a portable fridge and turn it into a self contained studio apartment for yourself, and minimize your exposure to only using the shower and loo, and passing through the house. When I car camp, I have the gear to set up a 4 person tent that is often more practical, convenient, and comfortable than a motel room.

A spare room would be easy to set up this way. Amazon and REI sell all the gadgets you'd need set up your own little home within your home, minus shower, loo, kitchen sink, and washer and dryer.

Other than that, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink.

Good luck, tough situation.

Drahthaardogs

(6,843 posts)
44. Your spouse is a selfish asshole
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 10:00 AM
Feb 2021

Anyone who gave two shits about you with cancer and diabetes would take precautions.

Your problems run deeper than a mask, but you already know this. I’m just affirming what you know is true

ismnotwasm

(41,916 posts)
45. When I go to work, and I work a lot
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 10:19 AM
Feb 2021

I wear a mask the entire 12 hour shifts. I bought face shields for myself rather than wear hospital issued eye wear. I don’t work on a covid unit, but I’ve had my share. My unit is large and newer, with space for social distancing during breaks. Many of our patients are immunosuppressed. We’ve had very few covid cases, and no serious illness

On smaller units in the older part of the hospital, there have been outbreaks of covid amount staff—traced to being maskless during breaks. There have been serious illnesses, and at least one patient death.

I’m tired. We are all tired. I don’t have good come backs, because my emotional response for covid non compliance goes straight to disgust. Your spouse is not only risking herself, and you, but any healthcare worker she comes in contact with.

We are getting sick for her. Our families are getting sick. We are dying for her. It doesn’t matter if she hasn’t been hospitalized. She’s part of the problem

And we want it to stop. Tell her to wear a mask please. I can, with confidence, speak for many healthcare workers.

Just wear your fucking mask—that’s as pithy as I can get.

Tommymac

(7,263 posts)
46. You asked - I'm giving my opinion...it is not a good one.
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 10:37 AM
Feb 2021

This goes deeper then Covid - from everything you say you are an abused spouse.

You both need professional help.

Co-dependence is NOT a good thing - and you both seem wedded to that type of relationship.

Good Luck.



Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
52. You're seeing a snippet of the relationship.
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 04:14 PM
Feb 2021

She has underling cognitive impairment. Not enough to keep her from functioning in society - but enough to get her booted from her job as the head of a non-profit and a PhD program (after flying through 4 prior post-high school degrees). And the nature of the impairment makes it impossible for her to recognize she has it.

So the challenges that come from that (including that I have to wrestle with things like - as an attorney - at what point do I have an ethical obligation to report my spouse to the disciplinary committee). Similar to what people with a much more severely impaired spouse have to wrestle with when a spouse is so impaired they can no longer drive safely. All of that stresses an otherwise healthy adult-to-adult relationship.

It it more challenging in our situation because even though her decline is noticeable to me, her siblings, and our daughter, it is not noticeable to people who don't interact with her more closely - and - because she is so self-confident - coupled with the recent willingness to believe assertions without fact-checking, her delightful (but nearly completely made-up) stories are believed and sometimes relied on when they should not be. And sometimes the consequences when the truth is discovered land on me. None of this is intentional on her part - it is, literally, the product of mild cognitive impairment.

She literally believes what she is saying is the truth. Her mind takes a kernel of truth from something and in the first telling spins it into something much more entertaining and pretty far from the truth. I have watched it happen over the years - and when she took the big cognitive test it showed up in the drawing test. You are shown a drawing, asked to reproduce it from memory and then hours later to reproduce it from memory again. The memory errors appeared in the first reproduction - and then the errors were reproduced exactly in every subsequent drawing. It was nice to have confirmation of what I had been seeing. But it has taken a long time for me to recognize that she really does believe everything she is saying is the truth. In the world of memory issues, the standard is that as much as possible you live in the world of the person who is impaired, without trying to bring them back to reality. So I've gotten used to just smiling and nodding when the tall tales get spun. They are entertaining, and people love to hear them. Mostly they are harmless - so no one will be hurt if they believe they are absolutely true.

Most of us in that situation choose to stick with our spouses - especially with a marriage as long as ours (40 years in September). That isn't being an abused spouse - it's figuring out how to live with a chronic progressive illness that essentially changes your spouse.

Once a person is noticeably impaired there is a lot more public support for the spouse and family - but she is not yet at that stage. So - while I am not hoping for faster, more noticeable, impairment, I carry a lot of frustration about constantly being told I'm the one who is misremembering things or having additional tasks I have to pick up midstream because when I lay out a logical set of steps for a task I think she should be able to manage, she can't get through step two, then she throws her hands up and tells me to do it. So there's a fair amount of frustration related to coping mostly alone with her currently hidden decline that comes through when I talk about this immediate issue regarding masks.

As to this particular issue - this is the first in nearly 40 years that involves abusive behavior (as opposed to being a product of her mental impairment). It is a simple concept (so not one her impairment would prevent her from grasping: Indoors? Anyone present who doesn't live here? Keep your mask on.) She understands the principle. She knows that her hour or so of freedom imposes roughly 85 hours of mask wearing on me, and acknowledges it is unfair. She has promised to live with the rules until we are fully vaccinated. But repeatedly has not done so. That's what makes me so angry - this feels like a conscious choice to put my health at risk.

Tommymac

(7,263 posts)
54. Your last sentence says it all...
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 04:26 PM
Feb 2021
She knows that her hour or so of freedom imposes roughly 85 hours of mask wearing on me, and acknowledges it is unfair. She has promised to live with the rules until we are fully vaccinated. But repeatedly has not done so. That's what makes me so angry - this feels like a conscious choice to put my health at risk.


That is co-dependence. It is not healthy.

You asked for opinions, I gave you mine, and sorry, I am not swayed by the rest of your story.

No personal insult or attack is meant, sometimes the truth is very hard to see, and painful too, when you are in a relationship. Been there done that.

I am not a councilor or medical professional. I do suffer from depression, anxiety and I have an addictive personality/physiology. I am a recovering alcoholic, had one beer 4 months ago so I am still not out of the woods - never will be. I see a medical professional every month, have for over 6 years now, and will for the rest of my life.

I would strongly recommend that both of you seek professional help.

I'm done here - sending lots of love and positive energy your way.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
56. Again - this conflict is less than one year out of 40.
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 05:11 PM
Feb 2021

And only under the stress of a year of the extreme stress that is COVID. Had it been going on long term, or if it continues beyond the crisis that is stressing everyone's relationships, your label would make more sense.

Captain Stern

(2,195 posts)
55. You already posted the solution to your problem...you just don't like it.
Wed Feb 17, 2021, 04:42 PM
Feb 2021

You said:

"So there's nothing I can do to protect myself short of masking 24/7 and sleeping separate from my spouse."

So, do that.

Your spouse doesn't want to play by your rules, and she's obviously not going to.

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