Happy history: a satire

School has started and students are at the beginning of their new textbooks. But wait! There may be some bad news from American history. We can’t have any fragile minds getting upset about their beloved country’s slip-ups and scandals. So here is an American history that won’t offend anyone.

Once upon a time, Puritans arrived in Massachusetts to escape nasty religious oppression in Europe. Indigenous residents helped them through the first harsh winter and introduced them to turkeys, corn and popcorn. In response, settlers strongly urged them to go west where they could raise buffalo and be future stars in western movies, showing off their horseback riding skills.

Soon, those who settled in the south arranged to have Black people brought from Africa, to help them escape the wild jungles and to start agribusiness. They were so happy to be here that they worked for free, invented spirituals and got to have children by their bosses. When they needed a vacation, they took the Underground Railroad north and had fun dodging their bosses who wanted them back. Some disagreements over property led to the Civil War which only lasted five years.

After the war, Black men got the vote and got to pay special poll taxes. They were entertained by men in white outfits in a group that liked to play with fire, called the Ku Klux Klan.