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SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
Sat Aug 2, 2014, 10:51 PM Aug 2014

Today, my relationship with my aunt was terminated today by her controlling husband

he controls her and she doesn't even know she is being controlled or if she does know shes to afraid to defy him. She needs surgery and tells me she will see her physician then he changes her mind about getting surgery and then she makes excuses and lies about treatment or even seeing her Doctor about her illness. She complains about being in pain all day and night.he tampers with the phone so she wont make any calls or receive them. he has a cell phone and he calls me and "allows" me to talk to her for 5 minutes only cause he has to watch his "minutes".the phone company went to fix her land phone thanks to her son and then it mysteriously not working again. Her husband complains that her son is trying to control his house and he is the head of his home and this is his wife. he complains only after her son comes over to try and help her go see a doctor . Why is he angry that her son encouraged her to get surgery that she needs? Why isn't her husband encouraging her to get surgery that she needs? Why is he angry her son called the phone company to get her phone service back on?

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Today, my relationship with my aunt was terminated today by her controlling husband (Original Post) SummerSnow Aug 2014 OP
If you can Afford it talk to a lawyer now Lochloosa Aug 2014 #1
Don't know how old this man is, or his history truebluegreen Aug 2014 #2
they are both in their 70s..he gets around and she cant get around SummerSnow Aug 2014 #10
Call Family Protective Services. Ilsa Aug 2014 #13
Yes, I will call them. SummerSnow Aug 2014 #15
I'm really sorry you are going through this. Ilsa Aug 2014 #16
I had finally spoke to her son about my concerns SummerSnow Aug 2014 #18
Victims can usually find a way to rationalize Ilsa Aug 2014 #25
i dont think its dementia, but just him controlling her SummerSnow Aug 2014 #11
Sorry, this sounds like dementia to me. Or call it mental illness, but he is a danger ... Hekate Aug 2014 #23
I agree. This is the first thing I thought on reading the OP. (nt) enough Aug 2014 #26
To me, this sounds like mind control and spousal abuse. Frustratedlady Aug 2014 #3
there's a term for this grasswire Aug 2014 #4
oh yes i believe gaslighting is going on. SummerSnow Aug 2014 #9
Her son should consider giving her a drugstore phone and loading it with minutes. n/t pnwmom Aug 2014 #5
Good idea but what happens if the husband finds it? kelliekat44 Aug 2014 #7
He would take the phone cause he doesn't want her talking to anyone. SummerSnow Aug 2014 #8
There may not be anyway for you to help her. edgineered Aug 2014 #6
Because he might lose control over everything if she becomes able Skip Intro Aug 2014 #12
I remember her saying that he protects her. And I remember her SummerSnow Aug 2014 #14
My bro in law puts up such a show when others are around, but my sis Skip Intro Aug 2014 #19
i know what you mean. My aunts hubby puts on this fake personality SummerSnow Aug 2014 #20
He won't let her get the internet either. SummerSnow Aug 2014 #17
No it wasn't, unless you accept it. flvegan Aug 2014 #21
I agree - try to find one that has experience in Elder Care if you can. They know the in and outs of Hestia Aug 2014 #27
If she needs surgery and he prevents it, HeiressofBickworth Aug 2014 #22
Mercy shenmue Aug 2014 #24
 

truebluegreen

(9,033 posts)
2. Don't know how old this man is, or his history
Sat Aug 2, 2014, 11:08 PM
Aug 2014

but if this is all new territory it sounds like the beginnings of dementia, with the paranoia that goes with it. It sounds like your aunt needs legal representation, and protection from him. Her son will probably have to take the lead.

Ilsa

(61,675 posts)
13. Call Family Protective Services.
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:29 AM
Aug 2014

The state needs to intervene on her behalf. Elder abuse and neglect, even by other elders, can be very dangerous. The fact that he's limiting her contact with other family is a big deal.

I suspect waiting for lawyers and judges could take longer than FPS.

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
18. I had finally spoke to her son about my concerns
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:39 AM
Aug 2014

and he felt the same way. He noticed some things, but not all.But every time he spoke to her about his concerns she had an excuse.

Ilsa

(61,675 posts)
25. Victims can usually find a way to rationalize
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 07:46 AM
Aug 2014

why they must put up with abuse from a loved one. There always is a reason to "excuse" the subtle, or even not so subtle, violence.

Keep the dialogue going. Get a caseworker if she needs urgent medical care.

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
11. i dont think its dementia, but just him controlling her
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:22 AM
Aug 2014

and she's covering it with excuses before they think someone might catch on. Now he is very paranoid. Doesn't even want the shades open.and won't let hardly anyone in the house. Cause she's not allowed to open the door if he isn't home.

Hekate

(90,188 posts)
23. Sorry, this sounds like dementia to me. Or call it mental illness, but he is a danger ...
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 03:00 AM
Aug 2014

...to others and to himself. Family Protective Services really should be contacted ASAP.

Best of luck for your situation.

Frustratedlady

(16,254 posts)
3. To me, this sounds like mind control and spousal abuse.
Sat Aug 2, 2014, 11:13 PM
Aug 2014

I agree, you or her son should talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.

grasswire

(50,130 posts)
4. there's a term for this
Sat Aug 2, 2014, 11:20 PM
Aug 2014

It's called gaslighting.

And yea, there are medical terms, too, that most likely apply here.

And yes, there are legal protections for your aunt. She likely needs a guardian appointed for her.

First step, lawyer.

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
9. oh yes i believe gaslighting is going on.
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:19 AM
Aug 2014

Weird how when he leaves the house , she says someone is always banging on her door. But she can't see who it is cause her idiot husband taped the peep hole. What is that about?

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
8. He would take the phone cause he doesn't want her talking to anyone.
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:16 AM
Aug 2014

When he purchased his cell phone he got her one too. But his in on and hers was never activated. No clue why he needs a cellphone, he doesn't work anywhere. In the house all day , then mysteriously takes walks at the same time every evening. Comes back after 10:30pm

edgineered

(2,101 posts)
6. There may not be anyway for you to help her.
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:03 AM
Aug 2014

Many times friends have confided in me about a boy friend or husband who acts in a similar way. Try to get that friend to recognize the situation as a beginning, it should be easy enough. If your friend says she believes she deserved being treated like that because of something she did, you face a difficult challenge. It can get frustrating.

Maybe this time it was because she knew he wanted to eat at 6, or he didn't like hamburger on Thursdays - that's what she did to make him angry. She says it is her fault. Try to explain that the problem is not because of dinner, it is a form of abuse. It sinks in as long as she is there with you, but don't start to think that you have helped. She will think about it and agree that she didn't deserve it - as long as you are by her side. A feeling that if she had only tried harder may be what she feels. Her thinking that he wouldn't be mad if dinner was on time may never go away. If it always come back to her feeling that it's her fault, if she doesn't stop putting the blame on herself, it is hard to help.

You can tell her she is being abused time and time again, and think she understands. You can talk all night about it, and time and again she will come back to visit. And time and again she will keep on trying to have you believe things are her fault and he for whatever reason deserves not to be treated like he is.

The good side is that you are there for your aunt and will listen and try. You may not be able to fix her life but you can make her feel good when you're there.

(what I'm saying is about how a friend viewed things and our talks - it may not be like that at all with your aunt, so please excuse me if I'm totally wrong.)

Skip Intro

(19,768 posts)
12. Because he might lose control over everything if she becomes able
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:24 AM
Aug 2014

to be self-reliant.

One of my sisters is in a similar situation - and her husband is the biggest jackass on earth (a few posters here excluded). She left him and then went back to him, thinking he would change.

But he won't.

It is all about control, and I don't know what to do when the controlled prefer to be controlled.

Sad situation.

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
14. I remember her saying that he protects her. And I remember her
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:30 AM
Aug 2014

saying that she wouldn't know what to do if he wasn't there.

Skip Intro

(19,768 posts)
19. My bro in law puts up such a show when others are around, but my sis
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:42 AM
Aug 2014

that sis, tells me the real story.

He, and he has the kids trained to do so as well, blames her for everything that didn't go right any particular day, and for all that is wrong with every aspect of the family. They all sneer at her, blame her for every moment of unhappiness they might encounter. Daily, everything not perfect in their worlds is her fault, and they let her have it. Pisses me off so much. I've told them and still do, demanded, they show her some respect.

And I've told him, made it clear, that I'll stop him cold if he ever hurts her (physically). You don't hit my sister and get away with it. Somebody will do something about it. Somebody will stop it. And he knows that now.

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
20. i know what you mean. My aunts hubby puts on this fake personality
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:44 AM
Aug 2014

when family is around. Behind closed doors he's evil.

SummerSnow

(12,608 posts)
17. He won't let her get the internet either.
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:36 AM
Aug 2014

What's that about. Oh maybe independence. If she gets invited to a baby shower etc. He gets mad if he isn't invited. Claims when people invite her and not him they're trying to split them up. Oh and when her phone was on I started noticing that she always had me on speakerphone when he was home. Then she requested that when I call her I have to include him in the conversation cause he feels left out. I told her no,I didn't call to speak to him .Oh and he doesn't get along with other men.

flvegan

(64,389 posts)
21. No it wasn't, unless you accept it.
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 12:56 AM
Aug 2014

Sounds like she may need a court appointed guardian, and you a lawyer.

Please seek legal counsel on her behalf.

 

Hestia

(3,818 posts)
27. I agree - try to find one that has experience in Elder Care if you can. They know the in and outs of
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 09:56 AM
Aug 2014

the system and know the hazards of a spouse with dementia type illnesses. I admit they are rare, but they do exist. Call the Area Agency on Aging in your area (or whatever name it goes by) they have a wealth of information on this type of situation and probably know of a good attorney.

HeiressofBickworth

(2,682 posts)
22. If she needs surgery and he prevents it,
Sun Aug 3, 2014, 02:53 AM
Aug 2014

could this be considered criminal negligence? Or, if one is suspicious-minded, even attempted murder by neglect?

The story reminds me of my parents who hated each other. There was never any violence or arguments in the home. I recall once when I was about 15, my mother had severe bronchitis. She was turning blue around the lips and fingers and gasping for breath. This was back when doctors made house-calls. She begged my father to call a doctor for her, but he did nothing. I even had a screaming match with him that if he didn't call a doctor I would and I would tell everyone that he wanted her to die. He just left the room. I called a doctor who arrived shortly thereafter. I was young at the time and probably didn't understand all the medical stuff, but I clearly remember the doctor taking a fairly long needle and injecting her right in the chest. My parents divorced about 5 years later, but I could never figure out why they took so long.

I hope this woman gets the medical care she needs. Referring to the adult protective services seems to be a good avenue of relief.

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