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Wed May 24, 2017, 01:18 PM

Every American Should Be Extremely Unsettled By The Initiatives Trumps Cabinet Is Pursuing

As soon as Donald Trump won the presidency last November, it became clear to every editor, journalist, and indentured Laotian typesetter at The Onion that we would soon be contending with an unorthodox administration. Now, as our employees ceaselessly analyze a vast trove of classified White House documents on ocean barges floating outside the jurisdiction of the Fair Labor Standards Act, we are finding ample evidence that the path being pursued by this president and his cabinet is, as anticipated, startlingly unlike any other in history. In fact, every American should cower in fear at what we have uncovered.

While it is evident to even a casual political observer that the Trump administration is determined to reverse numerous Obama-era norms and regulations, the precise details of such efforts are particularly shocking. Notably, we have obtained evidence that the Department of Homeland Security is moving to reauthorize enhanced interrogation techniques for suspected terrorists, illegal immigrants, and the White House Press Corps. According to the highly classified material in our possession, the federal government plans to circumvent the Geneva Conventions by detaining these individuals within a timeless, lightless extra-dimensional realm known as The Void, where prisoners can be deprived of sleep for up to 40,000 years at a time and forced to watch their families grow old and die across billions of alternate universes.

The new administration is also poised to discontinue Obama-era green energy initiatives and return the nation to a greater reliance on fossil fuels, which could have dire implications for every citizen of this nation. Specifically, Energy Secretary Rick Perry delivered a classified presentation to the president in April addressing the nation’s energy crisis, noting forebodingly that “human bodies are made of carbon which can become oil” and that “there are over 320 million sources of oil in the U.S. today.” At present, it appears the Energy Department is piloting a “carceral production plan” to tap this new source of fuel as soon as possible.

The ecosystem also appears to be at serious risk under this cabinet, based on the presentation that Administrator Scott Pruitt delivered to the president in March outlining the Environmental Protection Agency’s objectives and goals for the next four years. Furthermore, Pruitt himself confirmed he is actively subverting his own agency’s efforts to protect the environment in a series of updates he sent to the White House regarding the progress he was making in destroying his office with a hammer.


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