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htuttle

(23,738 posts)
Thu May 7, 2020, 07:30 PM May 2020

SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THAT'S NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK

From McSweeney's:

SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THAT’S NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK

Hello, Peter Ludlow here, CEO of InGen, the company behind the wildly successful dinosaur-themed amusement park, Jurassic Park. As you’re all aware, after an unprecedented storm hit the park, we lost power and the velociraptors escaped their enclosure and killed hundreds of park visitors, prompting a two-month shutdown of the park. Well, I’m pleased to announce that, even though the velociraptors are still on the loose, we will be opening Jurassic Park back up to the public!

...

That said, you’ll be pleased to know that, rather than double down on our containment efforts, we’ve decided to dissolve the velociraptor containment task force altogether, and focus instead on how we can get people back into the park as quickly as possible. So rather than concentrating on so-called life-saving measures like “staying in designated safe areas” or “masking your scent,” we’ll be focusing on the details that will get our customers really excited, like a wider selection of fun hats, a pterodactyl-shaped gondola ride to the top of the island, and a brand new Gordon Ramsay designed menu at the Cretaceous Cafe.

...

And speaking of injuries, I want to take a moment to thank our Jurassic Park EMTs. They’re the real heroes here, am I right? In the process of responding to velociraptor attacks, many of our EMTs get mauled and dismembered by velociraptors themselves. That’s why, as a sign of appreciation, we will be repainting the Jurassic Park ambulance with the words “Hero Mobile” in big bubble letters. We think this is a far more meaningful token of gratitude than the salary increase they requested.

...

I know many of you out there are going to be hesitant to return to Jurassic Park knowing there are still velociraptors roaming the preserve, but rest assured things will return to normal sooner rather than later. The life expectancy of a velociraptor is only 15-20 years, so we’re confident that these attacks will eventually run their course.

...

(more at link)

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sure-the-velociraptors-are-still-on-the-loose-but-thats-no-reason-not-to-reopen-jurassic-park

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SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THAT'S NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK (Original Post) htuttle May 2020 OP
Perfect! Karadeniz May 2020 #1
Tragically accurate analogy. k&r n/t Laelth May 2020 #2
He'll, I'll kick this thread SCantiGOP May 2020 #3
You got it backwards. Why shouldn't the velociraptors be FREE!!! underpants May 2020 #4
Thanks to our development of velociraptors, we now know how to treat velociraptors. Go Ingen! n/t AntiFascist May 2020 #5
Kick dalton99a May 2020 #6
Kick - I'd rec if I'd been here yesterday (nt) muriel_volestrangler May 2020 #7
Bah! Bah! Wolf Frankula May 2020 #8
That was great NewJeffCT May 2020 #9

underpants

(182,271 posts)
4. You got it backwards. Why shouldn't the velociraptors be FREE!!!
Thu May 7, 2020, 09:04 PM
May 2020

Who’s their governor to tell them to stay inside the walls?!?!??

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