SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THAT'S NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK
From McSweeney's:
SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THATS NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK
Hello, Peter Ludlow here, CEO of InGen, the company behind the wildly successful dinosaur-themed amusement park, Jurassic Park. As youre all aware, after an unprecedented storm hit the park, we lost power and the velociraptors escaped their enclosure and killed hundreds of park visitors, prompting a two-month shutdown of the park. Well, Im pleased to announce that, even though the velociraptors are still on the loose, we will be opening Jurassic Park back up to the public!
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That said, youll be pleased to know that, rather than double down on our containment efforts, weve decided to dissolve the velociraptor containment task force altogether, and focus instead on how we can get people back into the park as quickly as possible. So rather than concentrating on so-called life-saving measures like staying in designated safe areas or masking your scent, well be focusing on the details that will get our customers really excited, like a wider selection of fun hats, a pterodactyl-shaped gondola ride to the top of the island, and a brand new Gordon Ramsay designed menu at the Cretaceous Cafe.
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And speaking of injuries, I want to take a moment to thank our Jurassic Park EMTs. Theyre the real heroes here, am I right? In the process of responding to velociraptor attacks, many of our EMTs get mauled and dismembered by velociraptors themselves. Thats why, as a sign of appreciation, we will be repainting the Jurassic Park ambulance with the words Hero Mobile in big bubble letters. We think this is a far more meaningful token of gratitude than the salary increase they requested.
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I know many of you out there are going to be hesitant to return to Jurassic Park knowing there are still velociraptors roaming the preserve, but rest assured things will return to normal sooner rather than later. The life expectancy of a velociraptor is only 15-20 years, so were confident that these attacks will eventually run their course.
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(more at link)
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sure-the-velociraptors-are-still-on-the-loose-but-thats-no-reason-not-to-reopen-jurassic-park
Karadeniz
(22,267 posts)Laelth
(32,017 posts)-Laelth
SCantiGOP
(13,856 posts)just for the title.
Good work.
underpants
(182,271 posts)Whos their governor to tell them to stay inside the walls?!?!??
AntiFascist
(12,792 posts)dalton99a
(81,065 posts)muriel_volestrangler
(101,149 posts)Wolf Frankula
(3,595 posts)They're just big chickens.
Wolf
NewJeffCT
(56,827 posts)very funny