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Match Game Story: "Cristof Helmut Otto von Porkbarebacker went back in time to ____ a pig." (Original Post) Rabrrrrrr May 2013 OP
kick for the storytellers nt Rabrrrrrr May 2013 #1
trying another kick for the other storytellers nt Rabrrrrrr May 2013 #2
Let's do this thing. Dr. Strange May 2013 #3
great story filled with sex and duplicity and an exciting surprise ending! Rabrrrrrr May 2013 #5
Cristof Helmut Otto von Porkbarebacker went back in time to get himself an Rabrrrrrr May 2013 #4
another kickification. Rabrrrrrr May 2013 #6

Dr. Strange

(25,898 posts)
3. Let's do this thing.
Mon May 13, 2013, 02:29 PM
May 2013

Cristof Helmut Otto von Porkbarebacker went back in time to the Oinkozolic Period. He wanted to witness first-hand the birth of the animals that he loved: pigs.

Cristof was a pig freak.

After his TARDIS landed in the past, he stepped out into a humid land. He walked around, singing the pop tune from Pork Collins that was so popular in the Eighties.

There's this pig that's been on my mind
All the time, Su-Su-Suidae oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Su-Su-Suey! Oh oh!


But then he looked up and spotted what clearly looked like a flying saucer. Cristof gulped. This was completely unexpected.

The saucer landed, projected a ramp, and down that ramp strolled the most beautiful pig he had ever seen. It had blonde hair and big eyes, with perfect eyelashes.

“M-m-m-miss Piggy?” Cristof asked.

“I am Darla, from the planet Sow. I have come for the purpose of cross-species fertilization. I seek a male sample from the dominant species of this planet”

Cristof was stunned. “That would, uh, would be me,” he replied.

“Are you in charge of this planet?”

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“Very well, come aboard my ship, and we will fornicate.”

Cristof hoofed it into the ship. Darla escorted him to her bedroom, and they got under the covers. Or tried to, which was difficult as Cristof had grabbed most of the covers.

“Don’t be a bed-hog!” Darla ordered.

“Sorry, baby.”

Darla started caressing her human mate. “Are you ready to get out the sausage?” she squealed.

“Time for makin’ bacon!” he answered.

**scene redacted for those with weak digestive structures**

A year later, Darla and Cristof had procreated the hell out of the planet known as Earth. It was then that Cristof realized that pigs didn’t evolve—they were the progeny of his liaison with this pig Amazon warrior.

She informed him that it was time for her to return to her home planet. Cristof begged to go with her, but she turned him down, saying that he was the ruler of Earth, and must remain to guide his people. And also guide the many piglets that were running around.

“Pleease,” he said, totally hamming it up. But it was not to be. She boarded her ship and went “Wee wee wee” all the way to her home planet.

Well, it was a wonderful year thought Cristof. Although it sure is odd that, even after watching them master instellar flight, it isn’t that hard to fool a pig.

Rabrrrrrr

(58,347 posts)
4. Cristof Helmut Otto von Porkbarebacker went back in time to get himself an
Mon May 13, 2013, 09:11 PM
May 2013

antedeluvian woman whose odor is redolent of a pig.

Rabrrrrrr

(58,347 posts)
6. another kickification.
Wed May 15, 2013, 12:05 AM
May 2013

George W. Bush was the stupidest, most ignorant, least curious, most utterly unprepared and least capable person to ever hold the office of President of the United States. And the Supreme Court voted for him over Al Gore and John Kerry.

America deserves to die.

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