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gwheezie

(3,580 posts)
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 08:58 PM Aug 2014

My husband died last night.

His name was Tom. He loved me and animals. He led an interesting life. He was funny and handsome. What initially attracted me to him was he loved women. Not in a romantic way but preferred hanging out with female friends. He was a flaming liberal and a devout catholic In the old school do good works way.
He hadn't felt well for months and went to several doctors all told him he just had acid reflux. He told me he was dying. We went to the er twice and he was sent home. 3 weeks ago he was finally admitted for a work up and he was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. He never made it home. He died listening to Oscar Peterson and Joe Pass and I was holding him. He got to see his daughter when he was still lucid enough to say what he had to.
He made all the decisions about the end of his life and refused chemo and made himself a dnr. We spent the last 2 weeks talking about stuff. He prayed for his death and thankfully he died without a prolonged process.
Some of the things he said before he died:

I look forward to dying it's going to be spectacular

Tell my girlfriend bookie and drug dealer I can't pay up

I realize I've already done the last things I want to do but didn't know it at the time

Why was I worried about that shit

I'm not afraid
I don't know why we think we're going to live longer.

Please don't let my dick hangout if I can't cover myself up

Get me some pad Thai and throw that crap in the garbage. If I'm going to throw up itight as well taste better going down

There's weed on the shelf on the bookcase. Make me some edibles

Don't worry about me. I am done and it's ok.

I can't wait to die. If people insist on praying tell them to pray I die and get on with it
I hope that cat over there is coming with me(this was a hour before he died there was no cat that I saw)

188 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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My husband died last night. (Original Post) gwheezie Aug 2014 OP
Very sorry for your loss 47of74 Aug 2014 #1
... Aristus Aug 2014 #2
Sorry for your loss... Callmecrazy Aug 2014 #3
I am so sorry to read about your beloved husband... CaliforniaPeggy Aug 2014 #4
I'm so sorry sharp_stick Aug 2014 #5
I am very sorry for your loss. bigwillq Aug 2014 #6
Condolences to you, your family and your friends. TexasTowelie Aug 2014 #7
Tom sounds like an amazing man. blogslut Aug 2014 #8
He sounds like a really wonderful man. redwitch Aug 2014 #9
So sorry for your loss. The Velveteen Ocelot Aug 2014 #10
I am so sorry. . . Paula Sims Aug 2014 #11
A beautiful post.. sendero Aug 2014 #12
I'm so sorry for your loss. LisaLynne Aug 2014 #13
I'm so sorry, gwheezie.. Cha Aug 2014 #14
I am so sorry for your great loss irisblue Aug 2014 #15
Wow...you both sound like you've dealt with it in nirvana555 Aug 2014 #18
so sorry for your loss :/ steve2470 Aug 2014 #16
I am so very sorry for your loss. mnhtnbb Aug 2014 #17
((((Gwheezie)))) I am so so sorry for your loss. riderinthestorm Aug 2014 #19
My condolences to you. IrishEyes Aug 2014 #20
we're here for you gwheezie Skittles Aug 2014 #21
My condolences. . . jcboon Aug 2014 #22
I am so sorry, gwheezie. femmocrat Aug 2014 #23
So sorry for your loss. IdaBriggs Aug 2014 #24
"Why was I worried about that shit" rug Aug 2014 #25
So do I. IrishAyes Aug 2014 #63
peace to you, gwheezie fizzgig Aug 2014 #26
May your husband rest in peace. Hugs. 840high Aug 2014 #27
I'm very sorry for your loss NewJeffCT Aug 2014 #28
So, so sorry. I hope he went peacefully without much pain. n/t RebelOne Aug 2014 #29
Very sorry. I know it doesn't help, but sounds like quite a friend/husband. Take care. Hoyt Aug 2014 #30
Oh, my, gwsheezie… MrMickeysMom Aug 2014 #31
A beautiful post. So sorry for your loss. Owl Aug 2014 #32
Oh, gwheezie. sheshe2 Aug 2014 #33
Pretty speechless..... glinda Aug 2014 #34
Sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for sharing with us. (nfm) SunDrop23 Aug 2014 #35
() Jack Rabbit Aug 2014 #36
Tom sounds like a wonderful husband. May he rest in peace. In_The_Wind Aug 2014 #37
So sorry for your loss, gwheezie bvf Aug 2014 #38
So sorry for your loss riverwalker Aug 2014 #39
I hope that someone writes as nice an epitaph for me MannyGoldstein Aug 2014 #40
Tom's belief in god and science gwheezie Aug 2014 #41
Dr. King said it simplest and best as always: IrishAyes Aug 2014 #51
I did open the window. gwheezie Aug 2014 #53
About the cat- I have heard this from a hospice worker too . Also for a friends mom lunasun Aug 2014 #173
I'm sure you're aware of the debate that swirls around the nature of IrishAyes Aug 2014 #182
Interesting story of near death . No I am not very familiar but as I said there appears lunasun Aug 2014 #183
energy to energy, yes annabanana Aug 2014 #115
Stay strong Scarsdale Aug 2014 #131
I'm so glad you got to share your lives together. chervilant Aug 2014 #141
So sorry gwheezie Crewleader Aug 2014 #42
Oh my. I'm really sorry for your loss. IrishAyes Aug 2014 #43
Thank you for sharing this picture of Tom with us. brer cat Aug 2014 #44
Lovely gwheezie Aug 2014 #46
Like these ones? Enthusiast Aug 2014 #85
Oh yes gwheezie Aug 2014 #110
What a vivid and memorable picture you have... 3catwoman3 Aug 2014 #45
I am so very, very sorry, gwheezie! Rhiannon12866 Aug 2014 #47
Shirley was my 1st hero gwheezie Aug 2014 #50
Shirley is a great hero. She was even one to my Republican Dad. Rhiannon12866 Aug 2014 #52
I'm insanely jealous of people who got to meet Shirley Chisolm in real life. IrishAyes Aug 2014 #67
I was just a little kid, but I remember my Dad's stories about his time with her well. Rhiannon12866 Aug 2014 #68
I do too (appreciate your Shirley Chisholm signature)! She was the first person I voted for, calimary Aug 2014 #156
i am so sorry for your loss. barbtries Aug 2014 #48
my condolences shireen Aug 2014 #49
So sorry. He sounded like a great guy. Cleita Aug 2014 #54
I'm sorry for your loss, your husbands sounds like a rather amazing person Autumn Aug 2014 #55
Thank you for sharing these pearls of wisdom even in your sadness. Interesting... joanbarnes Aug 2014 #56
Aw I'm so sorry. Sending you vibes. applegrove Aug 2014 #57
I'm sorry for your loss. onecaliberal Aug 2014 #58
Tom sounds like a wonderful man Beaverhausen Aug 2014 #59
Thank you for your beautiful post, and for sharing your dear husband with us. scarletwoman Aug 2014 #60
So very sorry for this loss... Tikki Aug 2014 #61
I'm so sorry for your loss, gwheezie. Unknown Beatle Aug 2014 #62
I'm so sorry enigmatic Aug 2014 #64
I believe one of the greatest blessings one can have is to be present No Vested Interest Aug 2014 #65
Thanks for sharing that amazing tribute. bluesbassman Aug 2014 #66
What an awesome 2naSalit Aug 2014 #69
..... raven mad Aug 2014 #70
Thank you, more than I can express, for sharing this. TygrBright Aug 2014 #71
So sorry to hear of your husband's passing. woodsprite Aug 2014 #72
I am so sorry HipChick Aug 2014 #73
He sounds as though he was amazing. kiva Aug 2014 #74
Death Smiles at Us All Martin Eden Aug 2014 #75
my heart goes out to you orleans Aug 2014 #76
I am so sorry. Mojorabbit Aug 2014 #77
Via con Dios good man The Second Stone Aug 2014 #78
My deepest sympathies. Behind the Aegis Aug 2014 #79
My heart goes out to you and your family emsimon33 Aug 2014 #80
I'm so, so sorry for your loss Recursion Aug 2014 #81
Sorry about the loss of your Tom, gwheezie. Enthusiast Aug 2014 #82
Beautiful tribute and I am very sorry TBF Aug 2014 #83
Mercy shenmue Aug 2014 #84
I'm so very sorry for your loss... I hope you have many warm and fuzzy memories of him secondwind Aug 2014 #86
I'm so sorry for your loss. ColesCountyDem Aug 2014 #87
oh, my dear bigtree Aug 2014 #88
He sounds as if he was an amazing person... Ferretherder Aug 2014 #89
Oh handmade34 Aug 2014 #90
What a wonderful tribute you have made for him here. cbayer Aug 2014 #91
Sorry for your loss gwheezie NEOhiodemocrat Aug 2014 #92
I hope I'm as comfortable w/ my death as your husband was ... 66 dmhlt Aug 2014 #93
Sounds like he was a wonderful person. Triana Aug 2014 #94
My sincere condolences heaven05 Aug 2014 #95
My condolences and sympathies. SalmonChantedEvening Aug 2014 #96
*hugs* and prayers a kennedy Aug 2014 #97
All our best to you. IADEMO2004 Aug 2014 #98
Peace PeoViejo Aug 2014 #99
You are a blessed being randr Aug 2014 #100
Sounded like a man who knew what and how he wanted his life to be tomm2thumbs Aug 2014 #101
Wow...What a wonderful man he must have been to see things onecent Aug 2014 #102
Be strong and remember his humour intaglio Aug 2014 #103
He sounds like a wonderful man. Le Taz Hot Aug 2014 #104
So sorry, bigtonka Aug 2014 #105
Wow. That was powerful. panader0 Aug 2014 #106
God's speed Tom nradisic Aug 2014 #107
Peace... KansDem Aug 2014 #108
I'm so sorry for your loss... Phentex Aug 2014 #109
So sorry for your loss. What a wonderful guy! Overseas Aug 2014 #111
I am sorry. And thank you for this post. yardwork Aug 2014 #112
Tom sounds like a wonderful person. cate94 Aug 2014 #113
I am so sorry for your loss. hedgehog Aug 2014 #114
I'm extremely sorry for the loss of your partner in life. sinkingfeeling Aug 2014 #116
So sorry for your loss. raouldukelives Aug 2014 #117
I am sorry for your loss and thankful for your post Burma Jones Aug 2014 #118
: ( broadcaster75201 Aug 2014 #119
Your husband sounded like a really great man. I am so sorry for your loss. Maraya1969 Aug 2014 #120
Hugs to you gwheezie. Sound like a great guy. Peace to you. nt Fla Dem Aug 2014 #121
{{{{{gwheezie}}}}} dorkzilla Aug 2014 #122
... SammyWinstonJack Aug 2014 #123
I'm so sorry for your loss. hamsterjill Aug 2014 #124
"Why was I worried about that shit " - particularly meaningful to me now.... grahamhgreen Aug 2014 #125
My heartfelt condolences benld74 Aug 2014 #126
sorry for your loss yuiyoshida Aug 2014 #127
What an amazing man. I am sorry for your loss. nt MADem Aug 2014 #128
Peace be with you - packman Aug 2014 #129
So very sorry to hear this...thoughts are with you... joeybee12 Aug 2014 #130
Hugs to you martigras Aug 2014 #132
(((((((gwheezie))))))) WillyT Aug 2014 #133
So sorry, Gwheezie. Granny M Aug 2014 #134
Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry Peacetrain Aug 2014 #135
(((hug) WilliamPitt Aug 2014 #136
gwheezie - this post was one of the most touching posts I have ever read. blm Aug 2014 #137
Sorry for your loss Curtis Aug 2014 #138
I'm so sorry. He sounds like a wonder. May he cross easy. nolabear Aug 2014 #139
It's so heartwarming to know sunnystarr Aug 2014 #140
I dont respond rtracey Aug 2014 #142
Tom was obviously a wise and witty man who loved life, his family, and pets. Our deepest indepat Aug 2014 #143
So sorry. He sounds like a swell guy. nt valerief Aug 2014 #144
I am sorry for your loss Dont call me Shirley Aug 2014 #145
your husband was obviously a great guy TheSarcastinator Aug 2014 #146
Sorry for your loss. Half-Century Man Aug 2014 #147
I'm very sorry for your loss. MH1 Aug 2014 #148
Tom sounds amazing. Duer 157099 Aug 2014 #149
I am so sorry for your loss. FLyellowdog Aug 2014 #150
So sorry for your loss. democrank Aug 2014 #151
So sorry for your loss, gwheezie mike dub Aug 2014 #152
So sorry for your loss. navarth Aug 2014 #153
My condolences, Joe Shlabotnik Aug 2014 #154
I love the things he said before he passed. Great humor and perspective on his AikidoSoul Aug 2014 #155
He sounds like a wonderful man with a great sense of humor. myrna minx Aug 2014 #157
I am sorry for your loss. rhett o rick Aug 2014 #158
I am so sad for you. hifiguy Aug 2014 #159
No wonder you loved him so much Samantha Aug 2014 #160
So sorry for your loss brush Aug 2014 #161
It sounds like he had a great attitude passiveporcupine Aug 2014 #162
sorry for your loss unionthug777 Aug 2014 #163
this was a profound message, gwheezie BlancheSplanchnik Aug 2014 #164
My sincere condolences to you, your family and your friends mazzarro Aug 2014 #165
i'm so sorry... Ron Obvious Aug 2014 #166
I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like one hell of any interesting LoisB Aug 2014 #167
My sincere condolances CaptainTruth Aug 2014 #168
I'm very sorry. Arugula Latte Aug 2014 #169
Strength and grace to you and your family. Boomerproud Aug 2014 #170
If there's a way to go Shankapotomus Aug 2014 #171
Thank you all for your support gwheezie Aug 2014 #172
My condolences to you RIP Tom and thanks for letting us know what a lunasun Aug 2014 #174
He sounds like a very special man. You are so lucky to have had some sort of japple Aug 2014 #175
Sending you peace and healing in your loss LiberalEsto Aug 2014 #176
there are no words anyone can say that mean anything right now. Your husband took roguevalley Aug 2014 #177
I'm so sorry. GoCubsGo Aug 2014 #178
Oh I'm so sorry, but I sense some humor in him about his death. Hopefully he brought you much. Tab Aug 2014 #179
Most impressive tribute I've read at DU. Glad you were there to help him pass. Take care, gwheezi. freshwest Aug 2014 #180
Thanks for sharing his last thoughts. I've bookmarked this thread. Iris Aug 2014 #181
Sounds like a wonderful man DFW Aug 2014 #184
My sincerest condolences for your loss. ='( AverageJoe90 Aug 2014 #185
what a beautiful goodbye cynannmarie Aug 2014 #186
So sorry TuxedoKat Aug 2014 #187
Tom sounds like a wonderful, wonderful man magical thyme Aug 2014 #188
 

47of74

(18,470 posts)
1. Very sorry for your loss
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 09:06 PM
Aug 2014

I remember the last time I saw my maternal Grandma she wasn't able to speak and I thought she was focused on some other presence in the room besides us. Hope it was Grandpa and others going to take her home.

Callmecrazy

(3,065 posts)
3. Sorry for your loss...
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 09:09 PM
Aug 2014


Sounds like his head and heart were in the right place. I hope that is some comfort for you.

CaliforniaPeggy

(149,297 posts)
4. I am so sorry to read about your beloved husband...
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 09:10 PM
Aug 2014

I am so glad you were there, holding him, at the end. Saying goodbye is really important.

Be good to yourself; this came on so quickly that there might be more shock than you expect.

blogslut

(37,955 posts)
8. Tom sounds like an amazing man.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 09:16 PM
Aug 2014

How wonderful that you had him with you for as long as you did. My heart goes out to you.

nirvana555

(448 posts)
18. Wow...you both sound like you've dealt with it in
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 09:59 PM
Aug 2014

Such a healthy way. He sounded like one of the good guys. My thoughts are with you and family. ..

mnhtnbb

(31,319 posts)
17. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 09:56 PM
Aug 2014

I'll bet that kitty did go with him.

Peace to you and your family.

femmocrat

(28,394 posts)
23. I am so sorry, gwheezie.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:16 PM
Aug 2014

His courage at the end is very inspirational. He sounds like a wonderful person.

MrMickeysMom

(20,453 posts)
31. Oh, my, gwsheezie…
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:34 PM
Aug 2014

You sure left an impression on me. Thank you so much for sharing this. May you have comfort with the loss of your dear Tom.

You said so much. How perceptive and clear your husband seemed near death. It was so clear and not at all self-centered. I just wonder if the way Tom saw this was perhaps due to a long established "tie to the universe". Only one other person in my life seems to be like this. I wish that I was… I feel so tied to life itself, mainly because of the people I might leave behind. But, as I've been reminded once again, we don't understand it.

MMM

 

MannyGoldstein

(34,589 posts)
40. I hope that someone writes as nice an epitaph for me
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:54 PM
Aug 2014

What you wrote, it's love. Pure love.

Peace to you and to all.

gwheezie

(3,580 posts)
41. Tom's belief in god and science
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:54 PM
Aug 2014

It's funny. We would have long discussions about his strong belief in god and my atheism. We always wound up closer than we started.
I believe we have no way of understanding what happens after we die but I firmly don't believe on god or Jesus etc or other prophets. Tom believed 2 things at once. He was a catholic and figured it was as good as any way to feel connected to the bigger thing. He believed that heaven happens to people when their energy joined the energy that powers the universe. He called that god. He believed in prophets and enlightened people who tried to present the idea we are here forever. He believed that as it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end is a scientific theory about energy and fits perfectly with our limited knowledge of the physical world.
So when he was dying I knew things you know about people you loved for 35 years and I told him he was forgiven he kept saying he was sorry. I don't know why he was sorry about being Human but he was forgiven. I told him when he let go of his energy it would shoot out of him into the universe. I told him yes it would be spectacular.

IrishAyes

(6,151 posts)
51. Dr. King said it simplest and best as always:
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:19 PM
Aug 2014

Religion tells us why, science tells us how.

Or words to that effect. At my age I can't be entirely trusted to remember everything perfectly.

But I did a great deal of hospice work in my time, and it was the most rewarding work of my life. Made a better person of me, and I saw and learned so much. Stayed the last night with a lady who'd been comatose 2 or 3 days already. But as usual I spoke to her a little and let her know how honored I was to be there as she prepared to take her journey. Around midnight I could sense her mind come awake; she turned her head slowly, gave me a beautiful smile, and said these exact words: "I'm leaving now." And she did. Out of personal tradition I opened a window to bid her soul bon voyage. (People used to do that because they feared otherwise the person's soul might be trapped.)

I'd bet my bottom dollar the cat WAS there, too. As the veil between this world and the next opens to receive someone, they can see things we can't.

May I add what Steve Jobs' sister said about her brother's last words? She said just before he passed, he got a look of wonder on his face and said, "Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow."

May you be comforted by memory of Tom's love for you. At some point when least expected, you may get a sense of his arms enfolding you; don't worry, you're not tripping. It's real.

gwheezie

(3,580 posts)
53. I did open the window.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:25 PM
Aug 2014

I did home care hospice years ago. That experience helped me more than I think I helped anyone. And Tom was a medic in the army and civilian life as well. We both understood death is normal. Tom had more open mind than I do I think. He was more willing to wonder about stuff.

lunasun

(21,646 posts)
173. About the cat- I have heard this from a hospice worker too . Also for a friends mom
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:12 PM
Aug 2014

another hospice worker nside their home asked the family if they wanted to turn the bed facing towards the walls near the end. They said their experience it was better as they see the other side and they can focus on leaving . The family did do it but with little knowledge then she did focus on the wall and they saw it helped her well , die as she felt she was being drawn towards something

I guess whether it be a force or a brain function many folks as they die see someone or something guiding them or bringing them over
and some recognize that entity and to some it is totally unknown who they are seeing .

I never believed any of these things of the spirit leaving etc. until I heard from the hospice worker 's stories and then the friend with a mom who talked to the wall at the end. She also was one of those who announced I'm leaving now . I will add that entire family is big time atheist so for them to be moved by this ' being brought over ' has nothing to do with religion.
So I now believe the is something some but maybe not all experience.

IrishAyes

(6,151 posts)
182. I'm sure you're aware of the debate that swirls around the nature of
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 11:58 PM
Aug 2014

near death experiences. One surgeon - you know they don't tend to be crackpot fundies - said that once before he operated on a man who had little chance of surviving, he hid some small object on top of the ceiling bar light, where nobody standing on the floor or lying on a gurney could see it. Sure enough, the patient died and remained so for several minutes real time until revived. Later the patient described floating out of his body and hovering above, where he could also see what the doctor had hidden. To me that's the most convincing proof of the spirit/soul surviving outside the body.

I've never had a problem with atheism myself. It's the crackpot fundies who bother me. Although I consider myself fully RC, at the same time I have an unusually strong dose of animist and universalist too. Main thing is that I try to avoid making God in my own image, and I feel no imperative whatever to shove my theology down anyone else's throat.

This might sound off topic at first, but it really isn't: lately I've been re-reading the collected letters of CS Lewis, who was a pretty deep thinker. It's fascinating to trace his personal development over the years, as shown by the heavy correspondence people of that era maintained. Anyway, somewhere into his mid to late 20's he'd decided that Buddhism was a fair approximation of his newly found Christianity and that the West should basically leave them be. That's interesting to me partly because many liberal educated Christians believe the gap in the written record between Jesus' childhood and his 30's may well reflect time spent in Asia absorbing Buddhism.

Last departure story here is about a dear friend living in a nursing home where I worked. One night when I was off duty her daughter called to tell me that Joy had passed, and with it came a remarkable story. Joy had all her marbles; she was just too frail to live alone and the daughter had to work. But they talked on the phone every night.

That particular night they were chatting happily away when all of a sudden Joy asked her daughter, "Who are all these people?" Knowing her mother had a private room and visitors were discouraged at that late hour, the daughter asked "What do you mean, Mom?" Joy exclaimed, "The room is FULL of the most beautiful people!" And then she dropped the phone because she was gone. That happened at least 30 years ago and still gives me a happy tingle when I think about it.

What grieves me now and then is that I can't volunteer with area hospice where I retired in an extremely remote area of the Bible Belt. People here are xenophobic as geese. It took almost 6 years before I could even approach a table at a carry-in w/o clearing the bench. Well, I was on tv a few months after moving here, rebutting the station manager's obtuse editorial, and I write letters to area newspapers as well, so most people consider me a socialist/pinko/commie damnYankee heretic invader. Things eventually got a little better, at least so most people would sit with me in the cafeteria and at church, but basically every other door is still slammed shut and locked to me. I've made about 3 real friends, and the rest who speak to me now are no more than congenial acquaintances if that. It's partly fear of association. After some of my better letters to the editor of our local paper, which enjoys an extremely wide regional circulation, I've received letters of congratulation - unsigned!

So I eventually caved on the notion of doing hospice volunteer work because it would absolutely devastate me if a family refused my services at such a time. I've got a pretty thick skin but know my limits, and that would be an all too likely result which would really break my heart. Only recently have I managed to convince people to eat what I bring to carry-ins; I'll be ready for hospice myself before they'll be ready to let me volunteer in that capacity.

lunasun

(21,646 posts)
183. Interesting story of near death . No I am not very familiar but as I said there appears
Thu Aug 28, 2014, 12:45 AM
Aug 2014

To be a common phenomenon of both known and unknown entities being acknowledged at the time of death.
When I had the friend tell me about the hospice worker telling them to turn the bed for their mother, and what happened I was ears up when I later met a hospice worker with stories
Keep doing your part with LTTEs it helps all

Scarsdale

(9,426 posts)
131. Stay strong
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 11:22 AM
Aug 2014

So sorry for your loss. Sounds like you two were meant to be together. Glad you were able to be there at the end. Maybe the cat was there to "show him the way"?

chervilant

(8,267 posts)
141. I'm so glad you got to share your lives together.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:48 PM
Aug 2014

I'm so thankful that you shared this experience with DU.

IrishAyes

(6,151 posts)
43. Oh my. I'm really sorry for your loss.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:00 PM
Aug 2014

Sounds as if he was a wonderful man. I'm sure you loved each other very much. Thank you.

brer cat

(24,401 posts)
44. Thank you for sharing this picture of Tom with us.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:02 PM
Aug 2014

He sounds like a very special guy, and I know you will miss him terribly. Peace be with you gwheezie. Someone will always be here if you need us.

p.s. My mom saw chickens in her room. They apparently went with her.

3catwoman3

(23,815 posts)
45. What a vivid and memorable picture you have...
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:04 PM
Aug 2014

...painted of Tom in your 2 posts here. He must have made life interesting. I hope his essence will surround and support you.

Rhiannon12866

(202,970 posts)
47. I am so very, very sorry, gwheezie!
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:09 PM
Aug 2014

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. But please don't give up yet. We need you here and I enjoy your posts.

And I've always meant to tell you how much I appreciate your Shirley Chisholm signature. My father, a lifelong Republican, had the honor of meeting her years ago, spent the entire day with her as her "host" when a group of dignitaries visited our home town (Saratoga Springs, NY). He found her charming, intelligent and funny, always smiled when he spoke of her, became a life long admirer. If only she'd had a little more time with my Dad, she might well have turned him into a Democrat.

Stay well. gwheezie! You have friends here.

gwheezie

(3,580 posts)
50. Shirley was my 1st hero
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:19 PM
Aug 2014

You know I told Tom I was going to be fine. I really am. I miss him but it's part of life, love and loss. I had to reassure him I could start over. I think that's what he was sorry about.

Rhiannon12866

(202,970 posts)
52. Shirley is a great hero. She was even one to my Republican Dad.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:22 PM
Aug 2014

But my Dad wasn't partisan, had good friends in both parties. I know that you're hurting now, but you have to be strong. After all, you promised your wonderful Tom.

IrishAyes

(6,151 posts)
67. I'm insanely jealous of people who got to meet Shirley Chisolm in real life.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:56 PM
Aug 2014

I was a youngster during her heyday but thought she was just the coolest lady on the planet.

Rhiannon12866

(202,970 posts)
68. I was just a little kid, but I remember my Dad's stories about his time with her well.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:04 AM
Aug 2014

He always smiled when he told them, so I learned to become a lifelong admirer, too.

calimary

(80,694 posts)
156. I do too (appreciate your Shirley Chisholm signature)! She was the first person I voted for,
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 02:39 PM
Aug 2014

in the first primaries in which I was old enough to vote. My dad thought I was out of my mind. Well, even back then, I wanted a president who looked at least a little bit like ME (as in = FEMALE). Even back then I didn't have full confidence that old and middle-aged men understood the world the way I saw it. That she was a black woman made her even more interesting to me because I felt it was time that blacks had more of a voice. What if one of them could be president someday? Why not start now? And a black WOMAN - even better!!! Because - Hot Diggity Dog, would that kind of candidate EVER see the world from OUR eyes, for a change!!!! Even back then I saw the world as much more than just a bunch of middle-aged white men. I thought that meant we'd never really get a grip on our nation's many and varied problems as long as we had just only that one main mindset at work on them. We needed OTHER thinking. We still do.

And Dear gwheezie, I'm so sorry for your loss! Your beautiful tribute to your man is so touching. Reaches deep down into all our hearts - into the hearts of ANYONE who would read that. I hope his passing was painless and swift. But I also know only his body has passed from your life. His heart and his spirit are still clearly by your side.

As it goes here on DU, you do not mourn alone.



shireen

(8,333 posts)
49. my condolences
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:17 PM
Aug 2014

Thanks for telling us about him. The cat comment made me smile, that was so sweet. I hope I see dogs. Lots and lots of dogs with waggy tails.



Autumn

(44,755 posts)
55. I'm sorry for your loss, your husbands sounds like a rather amazing person
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:26 PM
Aug 2014

I will keep you in my thoughts.

joanbarnes

(1,715 posts)
56. Thank you for sharing these pearls of wisdom even in your sadness. Interesting...
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:27 PM
Aug 2014

Take comfort in that it seems he was well prepared to pass.

Beaverhausen

(24,467 posts)
59. Tom sounds like a wonderful man
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:34 PM
Aug 2014

Sounds like he made it easy for you to let him go. I'm so sorry for your loss but I know you have wonderful memories of him that will make you smile in the years ahead.

scarletwoman

(31,893 posts)
60. Thank you for your beautiful post, and for sharing your dear husband with us.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:35 PM
Aug 2014

What a blessing that you had that time with him at the end of his worldly journey and the beginning of his journey into the wider universe! I know the cat went with him.

Tikki

(14,538 posts)
61. So very sorry for this loss...
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:38 PM
Aug 2014

I want to be remembered the away your dear husband is being remembered....


Tikki

No Vested Interest

(5,156 posts)
65. I believe one of the greatest blessings one can have is to be present
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:48 PM
Aug 2014

with your loved when he/she passes.

You had that, gwheezie, and I know you treasure that time and those moments, and you so generously shared them with us.
Take comfort in his words and all the memories of times together that will come back to you over the next days, weeks, months.

Come in and tell us how you are and how things are going for you.

bluesbassman

(19,310 posts)
66. Thanks for sharing that amazing tribute.
Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:51 PM
Aug 2014

May your great memories of your time together sustain you as you grieve.

2naSalit

(86,054 posts)
69. What an awesome
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:04 AM
Aug 2014

tribute you have made here. My thoughts are with you and your family. It is good to know that he was able to depart on his terms and that he was not afraid.

He sounds like a wonderful person. I wish you well in your new world and hope for the best for you and yours.

TygrBright

(20,733 posts)
71. Thank you, more than I can express, for sharing this.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:18 AM
Aug 2014

I can't explain why, other than to tell you it's brought light.

And I will hold you and Tom in that Light that you brought.

Because I know that so often the one who bears the Light can't necessarily see it themselves, and grief and loss cast a powerful shadow.

May healing come with abundance.

respectfully,
Bright

woodsprite

(11,853 posts)
72. So sorry to hear of your husband's passing.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:30 AM
Aug 2014

It sounds like his beliefs were a lot like mine. It's wonderful that you two could talk about them.

kiva

(4,373 posts)
74. He sounds as though he was amazing.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:35 AM
Aug 2014

My sympathy to you, and hope that his mystery cat joined him on his journey.

Martin Eden

(12,802 posts)
75. Death Smiles at Us All
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:41 AM
Aug 2014

Your Husband Smiled Back.

Ultimately, that is a very healthy perspective on Life.

Thank you for sharing.

orleans

(33,987 posts)
76. my heart goes out to you
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 01:19 AM
Aug 2014

thank you for sharing all this. tom sounds like a great guy with a great sense of humor (as i read his quip about wanting you to tell the girlfriend, bookie & drug dealer he can't pay up).

how terrible that so many doctors managed to misdiagnose an aggressive form of cancer, sending him home from the er on two occasions, claiming he had acid reflux. i'm sorry he had to go through that confusion when he seemed so certain that something was very wrong.

i, too, believe he was seeing a cat--and i'm wondering what the connection was...? it sounds like the cat was waiting to go with him.

in case you're not aware of the bereavement forum on du here is a link:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234
someone who was a grief & loss counselor recently posted a thread you may find helpful--"surviving the death of a life partner"
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1234894
and "suggestions for coping with grief"
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1234892

i'm so glad you had some time to talk things through with him. i know those conversations can be very precious. i wish tom spectacular journeys, and much peace and comfort for you and your daughter. i suspect he'll be back to check in on you and watch over you every now and then.

take good care. you're not alone.



Mojorabbit

(16,020 posts)
77. I am so sorry.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 01:32 AM
Aug 2014

I lost my husband in Dec. If you ever need to talk, please pm me. I am so glad you had those weeks to talk it out. (((HUG)))

Behind the Aegis

(53,831 posts)
79. My deepest sympathies.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 01:47 AM
Aug 2014

I thought your post was a nice remembrance of him. He sounds like a pistol.



Your strength is admirable. May you be surrounded by love and support!

emsimon33

(3,128 posts)
80. My heart goes out to you and your family
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 03:48 AM
Aug 2014

Not only is there life after death, but it appears that the same people we are close to in this life we have been close to in past lives and will be in future lives. I have been reading "Edgar Cayce: An American Prophet." I grew up and spent a good portion of my life in Virginia Beach. The Cayce Foundation and their activities were part of daily life and I think I took a lot for granted. Now, years later and living in California, the book has helped me rediscover Cayce.



Enthusiast

(50,983 posts)
82. Sorry about the loss of your Tom, gwheezie.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:06 AM
Aug 2014

It sounds like Tom really had it together. We can only hope to be as cool when faced with approaching death.

secondwind

(16,903 posts)
86. I'm so very sorry for your loss... I hope you have many warm and fuzzy memories of him
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:21 AM
Aug 2014

to lift you up, as you go on your journey without him...

He sounds like he was a great guy and had a sense of humor.

Ferretherder

(1,445 posts)
89. He sounds as if he was an amazing person...
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:37 AM
Aug 2014

...who met, and fell in love with, another such person.

So sorry for your loss. Being an animal lover, maybe the cat was his guide......just sayin'.

handmade34

(22,755 posts)
90. Oh
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:40 AM
Aug 2014


I know people say 'sorry' in times like this but (especially because I have experienced this) to have such a gift... time with a good person on this earth... Oh...

you are fortunate indeed (as I have been)

cbayer

(146,218 posts)
91. What a wonderful tribute you have made for him here.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:46 AM
Aug 2014

He sounds like a wonderful man and one with a great sense of humor.

I am so sorry for your loss, but so grateful that you chose to share this here.

66 dmhlt

(1,941 posts)
93. I hope I'm as comfortable w/ my death as your husband was ...
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:51 AM
Aug 2014

May the joy of all your cherished memories be a balm in your time of sorrow.

 

Triana

(22,666 posts)
94. Sounds like he was a wonderful person.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:52 AM
Aug 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Peace to you and your family gwheezie.

 

heaven05

(18,124 posts)
95. My sincere condolences
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:55 AM
Aug 2014

on the loss of your true lover and a true, good, human being. May you find peace that he has found peace.

tomm2thumbs

(13,297 posts)
101. Sounded like a man who knew what and how he wanted his life to be
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:24 AM
Aug 2014

and was just as strong about how he wanted to close out his last chapter. Thank you for sharing, and so sorry you have lost someone that sounded so vital and present. Sometimes the strongest people around us seem indestructible and their loss can be all the more terrible to bear. I hope you have the strength to lead you forward and recognize that he trusted you enough to share his fears along with his aspirations, and that is so rare a combination in many ways.

I know the loss must be immeasurable and I wish there were words that would mend that terrible loss you must be feeling. My thoughts go out to you, and your friends/family.

And I do have to say that the last line you wrote inspired a smile. I bet that cat he dragged along for the ride never saw it coming. Glad he did not leave alone. True in more ways than one.

<big hugs>


onecent

(6,096 posts)
102. Wow...What a wonderful man he must have been to see things
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:31 AM
Aug 2014

the way he did his last days. I lost my husband 7 years ago. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My thoughts and prayers coming your way.

Hugs.

Le Taz Hot

(22,271 posts)
104. He sounds like a wonderful man.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:37 AM
Aug 2014

May I offer my condolences for your loss and offer him safe passage to whatever lies ahead.

bigtonka

(28 posts)
105. So sorry,
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:48 AM
Aug 2014

When my time comes, I hope I can make my exit as candidly and with as much dignity as your Tom.

yardwork

(61,417 posts)
112. I am sorry. And thank you for this post.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 09:29 AM
Aug 2014

My father died quickly of cancer 16 years ago. Your post reminded me of the things he said and did in his few days between diagnosis and passing. Thank you for bringing me those memories.

I send you peace.

Maraya1969

(22,441 posts)
120. Your husband sounded like a really great man. I am so sorry for your loss.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 10:34 AM
Aug 2014

Thank you for putting those last words down. It is very comforting to read.

dorkzilla

(5,141 posts)
122. {{{{{gwheezie}}}}}
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 10:47 AM
Aug 2014

I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I can't get my head around how the doctors didn't order more tests when he initially complained.

When you said he died listening to Oscar Peterson and Joe Pass I started crying...Mr. Dorkzilla was listening to Cakewalk last night and I pictured myself in your position...no words.

I'm going through a lot of stress right now, and his words "Why was I worried about that shit" hit me like a thunderbolt. He was absolutely right. So thank you, Tom, for the gift of the most poignant illustration of how trivial my "problems" are. And thank you for reminding me to hold Mr. Dorkzilla just a little longer tonight.

hamsterjill

(15,214 posts)
124. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 10:48 AM
Aug 2014

He sounds like one helluva a guy that it was my misfortune for not having had the opportunity to know.

Peace and comfort to you and your family.

 

grahamhgreen

(15,741 posts)
125. "Why was I worried about that shit " - particularly meaningful to me now....
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 10:50 AM
Aug 2014

Thank you and much love ((((()))))

 

packman

(16,296 posts)
129. Peace be with you -
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 11:18 AM
Aug 2014

Sounds like the kind of man that would appreciate the old saying of when people walk past his casket, they'll say - " That guy owed me alot of money".

He sounds like a warrior to be praised rather than grieved.

martigras

(151 posts)
132. Hugs to you
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 11:27 AM
Aug 2014

Your husband sounds like a lovely man with a great sense of humor. You were lucky to have each other. Be comforted knowing that those who never knew him in life, grieve for you both today.

 

WilliamPitt

(58,179 posts)
136. (((hug)
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:07 PM
Aug 2014

It sounds like he was a hot shit.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing a bit of him with us.

blm

(112,920 posts)
137. gwheezie - this post was one of the most touching posts I have ever read.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:11 PM
Aug 2014

My outlook is very similar to Tom's and I hope I can remain even half as clever and brave throughout.

(( ))
and peace to you

nolabear

(41,915 posts)
139. I'm so sorry. He sounds like a wonder. May he cross easy.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:16 PM
Aug 2014

Those are some wonderful last thoughts. Thank you for sharing them.

sunnystarr

(2,638 posts)
140. It's so heartwarming to know
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:36 PM
Aug 2014

that both of you were with the love of your life. It's so rare these days. Remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to mourn and grieve and to celebrate his life and spirit. He'll be with you when you need him most.

 

rtracey

(2,062 posts)
142. I dont respond
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 12:49 PM
Aug 2014

I don't usually respond to these statements on DU, but I had too on yours. Your husband sounded like a really down to earth, cool guy. His final statements were heartfelt and (I imagine he was like my father, great sense of humor) humorous to read. I hope you are doing ok, but with memories he gave you, you will be fine.....good luck and if you need to converse...look me up....RT

TheSarcastinator

(854 posts)
146. your husband was obviously a great guy
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 01:22 PM
Aug 2014

And I am glad he was a part of your life. You have my most sincere condolences for your loss.

MH1

(17,537 posts)
148. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 01:52 PM
Aug 2014

It sounds like he was at peace with it rather than fighting it and that is a good thing.

But I am very sorry that our health care system failed him and you, and that you have lost him.

Duer 157099

(17,742 posts)
149. Tom sounds amazing.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 02:10 PM
Aug 2014

And he, through your post, has touched many more people now with his humor. I hope I remember some of those so I can say them, too, when the time comes.

Thanks for posting. Sorry for your loss.

mike dub

(541 posts)
152. So sorry for your loss, gwheezie
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 02:16 PM
Aug 2014

It sounds like your husband was alot of fun, and a good man. Hugs and good wishes to you and your family & friends.

AikidoSoul

(2,150 posts)
155. I love the things he said before he passed. Great humor and perspective on his
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 02:24 PM
Aug 2014

dying process.


And I hope the cat did go with him.









 

hifiguy

(33,688 posts)
159. I am so sad for you.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 02:54 PM
Aug 2014

He must have had a great heart given how his personality shines in those quotes.

Peace be with you.

Samantha

(9,314 posts)
160. No wonder you loved him so much
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 03:01 PM
Aug 2014

What an amazing person he must have been. Although his physical being has left this earth, remember the love never dies. Hold on to that thought.

Peace be with you.

Sam

brush

(53,471 posts)
161. So sorry for your loss
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 03:11 PM
Aug 2014

I know how you're feeling now. My wife died two months ago and I'm still hurting.

My sympathies to you.

BlancheSplanchnik

(20,219 posts)
164. this was a profound message, gwheezie
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 05:09 PM
Aug 2014

I didn't respond for a while because I was thinking about
what you shared. It's very profound, really.....geee... :pondering:


I hope you have all the support you need to navigate this new chapter. Grief is hard...really hard.

I absolutely believe you'll feel your husband's presence in the most meaningful ways.

mazzarro

(3,450 posts)
165. My sincere condolences to you, your family and your friends
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 05:13 PM
Aug 2014

Very sorry for your loss. Sounds like he did his most to lessen your heartache - what a great guy!

RIP Tom - we've lost a good partner in the struggle.

 

Ron Obvious

(6,261 posts)
166. i'm so sorry...
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 05:21 PM
Aug 2014

You've painted a vivid picture of your husband. I think we would have liked each other.

Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life should never be taken for granted.

 

Arugula Latte

(50,566 posts)
169. I'm very sorry.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 06:10 PM
Aug 2014

Those quotes really give us a good idea of your husband's personality and sense of humor.

Shankapotomus

(4,840 posts)
171. If there's a way to go
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 06:28 PM
Aug 2014

That's the way to do it.

Cracking jokes and letting the people left behind know you're okay with it.

Sorry for your loss.

gwheezie

(3,580 posts)
172. Thank you all for your support
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 06:36 PM
Aug 2014

I wrote about him of course for myself for my own grief but also I thought damn it there are so many people that will never know what a special person he was and I just wanted a few more people to know about him. It makes me feel better.
Today I finalized the cremation arrangement, it reminded me of his request to cremate him naked. He told me a few weeks ago "for gods sake don't let them talk you into dressing me, it's stupid to dress up a dead guy"
I had to identify is body, it's a law in Virginia before cremation, that was ok. A little hard to do. It hit me hard that it wasn't him anymore. That part, the him part was gone. I hope it was all he wanted it to be when he left this world.
My friend and I had lunch at her farm afterwards, we had margaritas and sat overlooking her pond and horses on a lovely day. He would have wanted to go riding on a day like today. One of the kids came over the day before he died and rode his horse, I watched them go off in the distance through a field and out of sight over a hill. I told him about it, how happy his horse was to be groomed and fussed over, she was his baby and had been neglected for a few months while he was feeling sicker and sicker.
For the last few days he was seeing people in his room, I asked him if he knew any of them and he said no, never saw them before. He said there was one guy there all the time named Harold, he had no idea who he was. He'd say to me Ï Know you think I'm hallucinating but that guy over there talks to me sometimes. It didn't frighten him, he was more amazed than anything.

lunasun

(21,646 posts)
174. My condolences to you RIP Tom and thanks for letting us know what a
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:18 PM
Aug 2014

great guy he was and the strength and grace he showed at the end of his life. Hope that cat went with him !

japple

(9,773 posts)
175. He sounds like a very special man. You are so lucky to have had some sort of
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 07:38 PM
Aug 2014

a final dialog with him. So happy that he was able to leave on his own terms, at peace, and listening to such great music. This has to be an ideal transition. I'm sure there was a cat waiting for him when he crossed over!! It's no wonder Egyptians worshiped cats.

roguevalley

(40,656 posts)
177. there are no words anyone can say that mean anything right now. Your husband took
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:20 PM
Aug 2014

care of that. He was a remarkable sounding man and you have my love. Both of you and your daughter.

Your dad probably did see a cat then that you couldn't see. My dad saw his parents waiting for him to take him to the next life. Your husband won't be far. Talk to him. He's there. I huge you and send you all the love I can find in my soul and I know it means very little right now. Time is your friend. Take care and know you are loved.

Tab

(11,093 posts)
179. Oh I'm so sorry, but I sense some humor in him about his death. Hopefully he brought you much.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:52 PM
Aug 2014

Best to you and may you be reunited, if that's your wish, soon.

- Tab

Iris

(15,632 posts)
181. Thanks for sharing his last thoughts. I've bookmarked this thread.
Wed Aug 27, 2014, 10:26 PM
Aug 2014

I especially like, "Why was I worried about that shit"

It's going to be a mantra for me for a while.

I'm sorry for you loss. It sounds like he was a good one.

TuxedoKat

(3,818 posts)
187. So sorry
Thu Aug 28, 2014, 11:40 PM
Aug 2014

Condolences on the loss of your beloved husband, Tom. He sounds like he was a great guy and had a great attitude about life. (((HUGS)))

 

magical thyme

(14,881 posts)
188. Tom sounds like a wonderful, wonderful man
Fri Aug 29, 2014, 10:51 AM
Aug 2014
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure that cat came to our side to guide him across, and I'm sure his crosssing was easy. Pad Thai is a favorite of mine; clearly he had great taste.

godspeed, Tom.
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