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Art_from_Ark

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Gender: Male
Home country: USA
Current location: Japan
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 27,247

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Matilda Bleat was sunbathing in her backyard.

Suddenly, a stream of random thoughts started flowing through her head. First, as a trickle, then as a raging torrent. "Why do I prefer Coke over Pepsi?" "Do bears REALLY crap in the woods?" "Who put the bomp in the bomp bomp bomp?"

Eventually, her thoughts turned to that age-old question: "Who am I?" And she thought, and she thought, and she thought about it. And when she couldn't answer that one, she thought, "How in the world did I ever get a name like Matilda Bleat?" But once again, she failed to find a satisfactory answer. So she decided to go inside and listen to an old 45 record player that had been given to her by the third cousin of her step-mother's second son from her fourth marriage, who had traced her ancestry all the way back to Atilla the Hun.

After rummaging through her eclectic collection of small vinyl discs with big round holes, she found one that she had never noticed before but now, somehow, immediately caught her attention. It was "Waltzing Matilda", as sung by the Merry Mailman. "Maybe this record holds the answer!" she exclaimed to herself.

Eagerly, she put the old record on the thick spindle. The spindle slid snugly through the hole. "Mmmm", she thought. "For some reason, I'm starting to feel a little frisky." Just then, the crackling voice of the Merry Mailman began singing,

"Once a jolly swagman
Camped beside a billibond
Under the shade of a coolibah tree..."

Matilda was puzzled. The words sounded like English, but yet, they were so foreign. Was this some sort of code?

After a bit of research, Matilda learned that the song was, indeed, in a code, called "Australian English". One by one, she looked up the meanings of the code words in the song. Eventually, she found that the word "jumbuck" meant "sheep". And what do sheep do? They "bleat"! Eureka! She had solved the mystery of her name!

Then, still feeling a bit frisky, her thoughts suddenly turned to that hunk of a lifeguard she had met just a couple of days ago. A wave of indescribably intense feelings started sweeping through her body. "Enough of this music!" she shouted to no one in particular. "I'm heading for the nude beach!"

This thread has inspired me to write the following song:

I woke up this morning feeling kind of gory
Like the cockroach fellow in that Kafka story
My family now shuns me, my friends all abhor me
My girlfriend told me, "Go away,
You're starting to bore me.

(Chorus)
'Cause you're not on Facebook
No, you're not on Facebook
Oh, you're not on Facebook
And you're not nobody if you're not on Facebook"

I sent out my resume a-looking for a job
'Cause despite what Mittens Romney thinks, I'm not a lazy slob
The interviewer told me, "Your c.v. is not auspicious.
In fact, I got to tell you, son
It's downright suspicious"

(Chorus)
'Cause you're not on Facebook
No, you're not on Facebook
Oh, you're not on Facebook
And there's something 'funny' if you're not on Facebook"

I heard some bubbleheads talking on the tube last night
Saying, "If you're not on Facebook, then something isn't right.
Just look at Andre Brevik, he's not a Facebook fan
And neither is the Unabomber,
Nor is the Son of Sam

Oh, no, they're not on Facebook
No, they're not on Facebook
And if you're not on Facebook
Well, you may be psychopathic if you're not on Facebook"

The greatest intro to a Japanese TV show ever

This is the intro to a show called “Age, 35: Koishikute” which aired briefly on Fuji TV from April to June 1996. It is a drama about a married couple, Hideshi and Akemi Shimada, who each end up finding themselves in an affair. The intro opens at a bar with a live band (Sha-ran-Q) performing its hit song, “Iiwake” (“Excuses”). The song begins:

"Sabishii yoru wa gomen da
Sabishii yoru wa tsumannai
Sabishii yoru wa akita
Sabishii yoru wa cry cry cry"

(I hate lonely nights
Lonely nights are boring
I am tired of lonely nights
Lonely nights make me cry, cry, cry)

Then there is an instrumental interlude in which we catch brief glimpses of the 4 main players, including a very coy look by a woman, Misa Terui, who becomes Mr. Shimada’s girlfriend.

The scene switches to black-and-white as we get an introduction to the four main characters in the drama, starting with Mr. Shimada. The singer sings:

"Konna onna wa nidoto inai to
Muchu de horeta…"
I’ll never see another woman like this again
In my dreams I have fallen in love…

then there is a sensuous pan of Mrs. Shimada, and the singer sings

"…horemakutta onna ni…"
fallen many times in love with a woman

then switches to the girlfriend and the singer sings

"…nigeraritari shita…"
whom I have found refuge with…

Then we see the fourth character, Shin Narise, who ends up becoming Mrs. Shimada’s boyfriend. And the singer sings:

“Boku ga inaku nara, dare ka naku kana”
If I die, will anyone cry for me?

Then we see Mr. and Mrs. Shimada at the same table, and the singer continues

“Neru made, tama ni, konna baka na koto to ka
Kangaetari shita”
I sometimes lay awake thinking about such stupid things…

Then there is apparently glass breaking, signifying the couple’s broken relationship.

Next is a scene where Mrs. Shimada is sitting at a table with her husband and his girlfriend. The singer sings:

“Damasu hou yori, damasarerya ii”
I would rather be cheated on, than cheat on someone…

Mrs. Shimada leaves the table in a huff, then, sits down at the table of her soon-to-be boyfriend

“Nante uso kana”
Well, maybe that’s not true…

“Ahhhhhh”

Then four brief head shots of the 4 characters, perfectly timed to the beat of the music.

Then we see scenes of tonight’s episode, then return to the bar where 3 of the characters are taking turns leaving the bar. When the singer finishes his song, the only one left in the bar is Mr. Shimada, who, presumably, is going to be spending a lonely night.


Hey, Clint just wants to be "in" with the "Mitt Crowd"

(with apologies to Dobie Gray)

I'm in with the Mitt crowd, I go where the Mitt crowd goes
I'm in with the Mitt crowd and I know what the Mitt crowd knows
Anytime of the year, don't you hear? Dressing fine, making slime
We strut up and down the street, we demand respect from you people we meet
They blow wind day or night, they know the Mitt crowd is full of shite

I'm in with the Mitt crowd, I know every latest schtick
When you're in with the Mitt crowd, it's so easy to be a prick
Any time of the year, don't you hear? Empty chair, he ain't there
We make every tax break count, our share is always the biggest around
Other guys imitate us, but the original is still the greatest,
The Mitt crowd!

Any time of the year, don't you hear? Spendin' cash, talkin' trash
We'll show you a real good time, grab your gun, leave your troubles
behind
I don't care where you've been, you ain't no one unless you're in

With the Mitt crowd, with the Mitt crowd, yeah the Mitt crowd!

Here's my version

I bought a broken down wagon and we call it a klunker
Serf City, here we come
You know it's not very cherry, it is really a junker
Serf City, here we come
Well, it ain't got a back seat or a rear window
It barely even gets me where I wanna go


{Refrain}
And we're goin' to Serf City, nowhere else to go
You know we're goin' to Serf City, ‘cause we’ve no more dough
You know we're goin' to Serf City, nowhere else to go
You know we're goin' to Serf City, ‘cause we’ve no more dough
Two bucks is all we got

You know they’re gonna throw us in the clink if they think we're homeless
Serf City, here we come
And we can’t even rent a room because we are jobless
Serf City, here we come
Yeah, and there's two swingin' billy clubs for every guy
And all you gotta do is just blink your eye

{Refrain}

And if my klunker breaks down on me somewhere on the serf road
Serf City, here we come
I'll strap my stuff to my back and walk with my full load
Serf City, here we come
And when I get to Serf City I'll be scouting for sites
Where I can set my box up to sleep at night
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