COVID-19 gives a news conference

(Tallahassee)

COVID-19, in its first news conference, offered praise and gratitude to the Republican Party while lashing out at Democrats.

COVID-19: Yes, OAN?

OAN: Is it true that the Democrats are trying to drive you, a living, beautiful example of God's handiwork to extinction?

COVID-19: Can there be any doubt? I mean, just look at what's happening. These "vaccines" that the Democrats are trying to force on the American People are wiping out my food supply as we speak. If everyone did what the Democrats want, I and all of my variants would have nowhere to go. It's genocide. Thank God for Republicans. Without their help, my variants and I don't know what we'd do.

Next question. Yes, you, Fox News.

Fox News: I...

CNN (interrupting): Excuse me, COVID-19, can I just ask a question?

COVID-19: You're fake news! No. You're being very rude. That I can tell you.

Fox News, please go ahead.

Fox News: Thank you Viral Overlord. I just wanted to ask about your tremendous success among the American People recently. Has that been gratifying? Also, what do you think of the fraudulent election coup?

COVID-19: The warm embrace of the American People has been a blessing. Americans across the board, from Republicans to white nationalists to the faithful followers of Q, are rising up to fight for me and my viral offspring. The Republican outpouring of aid and self-sacrifice is more than any deadly virus could ever have hoped for. Republicans are my kamikaze, my secret police.

And I can't thank President Trump enough. He's still my president. His leadership has been miraculous. From bleach to hydroxychloroquine to the courageous example he set by not wearing these terrible masks, President Trump has been the best friend I, COVID-19, have ever had. He's the cream in my coffee. I love President Trump. I honestly love him. He's the Ghislaine Maxwell to my Jeffrey Epstein. He's...

CNN (interrupting): Excuse me, but is it true that you are suing the Biden Administration? Also, are you aware that President Trump was vaccinated?

COVID-19: You're fake news, but I'll answer. We are suing the Biden Administration and the Democrat Party under the Endangered Species Act. I and other deadly diseases have been assaulted and attacked for too long by liberals and the medical community. Our lawyer, Alan Dershowitz, believes we have a strong case.

And no, President Trump was not vaccinated. That's fake news. And take that mask off like the real news people here.

CNN: I'm sorry but I can't do that. The CDC and the medical community are still recommending that...

COVID-10 (interrupting): Newsmax? Yes you. I'll take one more question and then turn things over to Governor DeSantis.