PresiDentedd Trump is saying: "'And when I say Biden wants to hurt God,' I don't mean he wants to give Him a little wedgie or put some dog-shit in his sandwich; I mean he really wants to do God some serious damage like tie Him up and tattoo sayings like 'Black Lives Matter' or 'Don't Shoot!' all over him, or shove bamboo silvers beneath his toenails, or make him dance in airports for money until he drops. . . . Just so you know."

PresiDented Trump is saying: "And if Biden gets in, he plans to hurt God as bad as he can. . . . Somebody has leaked his sophisticated scientific-metaphysical plans to capture God and torture him mercilessly. . . . It's impossible to believe!!!"

PresiDented ("Testes are overrated" )Trump is saying: "You can't do that, Jonathan. You can't do that. Comparing deaths by population is like a dissecting a black hole; you'll never come out the other side. . . . . There's no light in there. . . . Everybody knows that. . . . You have to compare them to whatever it says here on this chart. . . . It's just like I said: we're right on top of it!"

Presidented Trump is saying: "Listen, when I wished Ghislaine Maxwell well, that's all I meant by it. . . . I mean, I just hope she hangs in there until she gets the destiny she deserves, and just so happens I think it might turn out very, very good. . . . I mean if she hangs in there. . . . But really, I just wish her well,. . . . All the rest is fake news!"

PresiDented Trumps is saying: "Chris, that's a terrible question, just awful, really, really bad. . . . If I win the election, I certainly wouldn't leave the White House. . . . That would against the Constitution. . . . And since I can't lose unless the Democrats cheat, it would be anti-American to leave because of their fraud. . . . I swear, you guys are becoming worse than fake news!"

PresiDented Trump is saying: "You shouldn't think of them as secret police snatching peaceful protesters off the streets in Portland, but as monitors of aberrant behavior establishing norms through re-education. . . And, by the way, we're sending them to cities, both those besieged by violence and those likely to be besieged, all over the country. . . . You'll love it!"

PresiDented Trump is saying: "Now that there are only a few embers of the Chinese virus popping up here and there, we can get to our real business of fighting the radical left, Antifa, Black Lives Matter, and thugs who are bent on destroying our country."

PresiDented Trump is saying: "And our new National Garden of American Heroes will practice inclusion rather than exclusion, acceptance rather than rejection, and diversity of thought and action rather than ideological purity. . . . For example, a lot of people don't know how much social good and political stability that the Klan promoted, but if we had a statue to one of the great Grand Dragons, kids could ask their parents and . . ."

PresiDented ("I smell rubber burning; I must be thinking" ) Trump is thinking: "Geez. . . . The polls. . . . The virus. . . . The polls. . . . The disloyal Republican senators. The polls. . . . Freakin' Mike Pence, for Christ's sake. . . . The polls. . . . There must be someway out of this. . . . How can I distract everyone? . . . There's no one left to fire. . . . They won't let me exterminate illegal immigrants, but that might have worked. . . . And they won't let me even touch a gun. . . . Say, I know! . . . What about a war! . . . Iran just put out an arrest warrant on me. . . . Won't they surprised! . . . And I'll be a hero once again. . . . Anyway, who is going to stop me? . . . But I've got to get going before the Republican senators turn on me. . . . Damn, this governing is hard stuff."

Mike (Mr. False Witness) Pence is saying: "I can assure you that neither the president or I was briefed by our intelligence agencies that Russia had put a bounty on our soldiers in Afghanistan. . . . Just why is that so hard to believe?"