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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 46,081

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Why does the nationwide crime wave smell of Trump?

Here’s what I think is happening:

1) Trump mobilizes his minions to do shootings, robberies and all sorts of other mayhem.

2) Trump’s minions do what he wants. Vast numbers of mass shootings and property crimes happen.

3) In 2024 Trump runs on an “only I can end this crime wave” platform.

4) When the bastard gets re-elected he immediately orders his minions to stop robbing and killing.

I had a minor problem at this year's Thanksgiving dinner

I did a nine-course Italian dinner.

The guests got full after the sixth course.

I am about to put the Prison Sauce on

We're doing Italian at my house for Thanksgiving, and I wanted a really spectacular sauce for the pasta course. So...I went looking and discovered that people have figured out the sauce the wiseguys in Goodfellas made while they were doing ten years. That's what I'm doing, but not the "slice the garlic with a razor blade" part.

Here's the recipe I'm using. Enjoy!


Anyone know where I can get an inflatable Ebenezer Scrooge?

Folks, I’m totally failing in this year’s War on Christmas.

My original plan was to buy an inflatable sleigh and reindeer, and arrange them so it looks like Santa crashed into the side of my house. That one had to be changed because all the Santa sleighs in the stores are one-piece affairs, and to make this work I’ve got to be able to separate the reindeer and Santa from the sled so I can scatter them all over the yard. They also don’t sell inflatable polar bears, at least not ones that look menacing like…well, you know, real polar bears. I mean, I guess I could put a real polar bear in the front yard but feeding one will break the food budget for the next five years and then there’s the problem of giving it back after the season ends. (On the other hand, it would definitely solve the deer infestation we’re currently facing…)

So…my next thought was just to stick Scrooge in the front yard and print a bunch of signs like “are there no workhouses?” and “Bah Humbug!” on some of that scrap coroplast I’ve got sitting around, but to do that I need a Scrooge and you can’t get those either.

Unsurprisingly, Shohei Ohtani unanimously selected as 2021 AL MVP


Ohtani is the first player in the history of MLB to throw 30+ strikeouts (he threw 156) and hit 30+ home runs (he hit 46) in the same season. He was also the leader in offensive WAR, third in total HR, and tied for first in triples. Hitting five 450-foot HRs didn't hurt him either.

I looked it up. The players who have hit exactly 46 HRs in one season are Barry Bonds (two seasons), Jose Canseco, Vinny Castilla, Orlando Cepeda, Joe DiMaggio, Adam Dunn, Prince Fielder, Lou Gehrig, Jim Gentile, Juan Gonzalez, Harmon Killebrew, Derrek Lee, Eddie Matthews, Ohtani, Carlos Pena, Alber Pujols, Jim Rice, Babe Ruth (three seasons) and Alfonzo Soriano. Baseball Reference doesn't list the men who have thrown only 156 Ks because their chart only goes down to men who threw 211 Ks in a season. (In case you're wondering, of the top 10 players on that list six of them did it in the championship season of 1884, two in 1886, one in 1965 and one in 1973. I doubt you'll ever see Matt Kilroy passed; in 1886 he sat down 513 men over 140 games.)

Bryce Harper is the kid who was born on Christmas Day this year. He won the NL MVP award with 17 of 30 first-place votes.

In this crazy year with the pandemic, supply shortages, and the asshole who lost the 2020 presidential election claiming he actually won, a baseball player from Japan was both the hero we deserved and the hero we needed right now.

I figured out how Biden can win the hearts and minds of the entire country

Go after the extended auto warranty industry.

First problem is no one likes getting daily calls from people wanting to sell them extended warranties. They don't even care if you already have such a warranty; my sister has an extended warranty on her Colorado and gets these calls.

Second problem is they use some of the worst tactics of scammers, like spoofing phone numbers. I've received extended warranty calls from my parents' old phone number. Since both of them are in St. Thomas Cemetery in Coeur d'Alene, ID, I kinda doubt they're selling extended warranties!

And third, I kinda doubt those warranties are even real.

Solving this problem needs to happen, and Trump wouldn't have even thought about it. It isn't pleasant getting out of the shower to answer the phone and discovering it's a warranty scammer.

NASCAR does it right: driver Carson Ware indefinitely suspended for domestic violence

NASCAR press release:

NBC News reporting:

Salisbury Post reporting:

According to NBC, the police came to the house where the 21-year-old Mr. Ware was staying and heard "loud banging" from inside. They looked through the window and noticed broken glass and clothes scattered across the floor.

According to the Salisbury Post, the homeowners - Ware was lodging in their house - report that Ware had gone out drinking all day. When he came home thoroughly intoxicated, the homeowners hid in their bedroom while he just trashed the place: the officers found broken wall art and paintings, a shattered bedroom door after he tried to break in, a destroyed doorframe and two destroyed flat-screen TVs.

He was charged with three misdemeanors: assault on a woman, simple assault and property damage.

NASCAR issued an indefinite suspension, which means he won't race in NASCAR at any level - there are quite a few - until he gets his act together. Since no sponsor wants to be associated with a driver like that, his racing days are almost assuredly over.

In happier NASCAR news, Xfinity Series (what used to be called Busch Series - it's one step down from the top Cup series) driver Daniel Hemric proves consistency is more important than checkered flags by winning the championship and his very first race at the same time.


To all the Trump supporters complaining about vaccine mandates taking away your freedom

These employer vaccine mandates are coming through the Occupational Safety and Health Administration.

Let me tell you a little story.

In 1998 I was working in a general commercial printing plant in North Carolina. Large businesses with heavy equipment like we had are subject to random inspections by OSHA. One day they came in and they seemed very interested in my MSDS book.

"It's not complete."

"Isn't it? We have MSDS in here for chemicals we don't even use. I have 29 different MSDS for the exact same brand and formulation of ink because we've got to have one for each color in stock. We have nine different MSDS for isopropyl alcohol because our supplier changes the oil company they get it from on a regular basis. What MSDS could we possibly be missing?"

"You don't have one for water."

No kidding. There is an MSDS for water. We got fined $500 for not having it. Fortunately, the inspector also had one with her so we put it right in.

The moral of this story is, if I can pay the government $500 for not having an MSDS for water - the last chemical in the world you'd ever expect would need one - you can get a couple of shots to help end this pandemic.

Finally! A good use for "Let's Go Brandon!"


The last good colonel died of Parkinson's


I have mentioned Colonel “Cactus Jack” McGuinness several times here.

Well…a couple weeks ago I answered a Quora question about what an officer did to get your respect by telling Cactus Jack stories (if this crazy man would have stood up in front of the battalion, announced he was going straight to hell and wanted 100 of us to go with him, the entire battalion would have lined up)…and was sent this link.

The only consolation I have is he wasn’t around to see the calamity that was the Orange Disaster’s presidency. That WOULD have killed him.
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