March 27, 2013

The Adventure Cruise to Nowhere

A man wanted something exciting to do, so he went to a travel agency.

"We have the Scenic Cruise to Nowhere. It includes a memorable two-hour trip down a wild and scenic river with a champagne toast at the end, and it's only $19.95." The man signed up.

On the appointed day, he went to the place they told him to, only to be met by two huge men. They beat the shit out of him, tied him to a log and threw the log in the river.

For the next two hours he was bounced and beaten by a never-ending string of rapids. He went from rock to rock, almost drowning five times.

Finally, bruised, battered and bleeding, he made it to quiet water. He looked up and saw another log with a teabagger tied to it.

"I wonder if we're going to get champagne now," he yelled.

The teabagger yelled back, "we didn't last year."

March 24, 2013

The GOP wouldn't accept everything it ever wanted, if it came from Obama

I was thinking the other day about the GOP's obstructionism...it seems to me that if Obama were to submit a budget to Congress that killed all social spending, Obamacare and everything else Republicans don't like, hacked and slashed all infrastructure spending, increased funding to the Defense Department and gave millionaires a huge tax cut, and still managed to balance the budget in two years, the GOP would oppose it for the simple reason that Obama would get some of the credit for doing it.

Right now, keeping Obama from getting the credit for anything positive that happens to America, and making sure he takes all the blame for anything bad, is the GOP's sole reason for existing. It's not about 2014, or 2016 or anything else. I don't even think they want the White House in 2016 because it would be put up or shut up time and we know what happened the last time they put up. So do they, and it scares them...which is why they ran unelectable candidates in 2008 and 2012.

March 22, 2013

How about a two-thirds majority for tax cuts?

Most of the states require a two-thirds majority in both houses of their legislature to pass a tax increase. The people who write these laws claim it requires "sober reflection" by the legislature before increasing taxes; in reality, they create a de facto moratorium on tax increases because with the political climate the way it is, you couldn't get two-thirds of any legislative body in America to agree that water is wet.

Tax cuts are another matter: in no state does passing a tax cut require more than a simple majority.

Any change in revenues deserves equal reflection...so, I believe tax cuts should be subject to the same majority requirements tax increases are.

March 19, 2013

Remember the Idaho man who was going to smoke 597 pot plants by himself?

Today's paper brings news that Michael Ihler, the biggest pothead in the entire world, attempted to hang himself with a bedsheet in his jail cell at the Benewah County Jail in St. Maries, Idaho, on Tuesday night. Fortunately for him, he woke his cellmates up while doing it and they saved his life.

Of course, when you try committing suicide in jail they take you to the hospital. The jailer had Ihler transported by ambulance...which only sounds really fucking stupid when you know the hospital and the jail in St. Maries are on the same block.

March 15, 2013

Pre-Google Glass question...

We know Google Glass is about to come out. It can webcast off its built-in camera. I think most of the people who buy these things will set them to webcast all the time.

So...since we're all about to be on television 24/7, how should we dress?

March 11, 2013

Today's makeup lesson: How to not look insane

Every batshit-insane woman you have ever seen has one thing in common: thick black eyeliner all the way around both eyes. Think about it: Michele Bachmann, Pamela Geller, Sarah Palin, Ozzy Osbourne...all of them sport this look.

If you WANT to look like two guys in white coats are always standing five feet from you with a butterfly net at port-arms, then go for it: get a jet-black eyeliner pencil from the dollar store, sharpen it just enough that you can see the product, and line with wild abandon.

We, however, are not batshit-insane. This is how to line your eyes so they look good but you don't look nuts.

Products needed:
Some eyeliner

A sharpener, if you got one of the wooden-pencil varieties
A brush, if you got cream, gel or liquid liner
An index card, if you got a twist-up pencil

The rest of the makeup you wear

How to choose a color: Never ever wear black eyeliner. Charcoal gray is as dark as you want to go. Violet, brown and green are always attractive.

Before you put anything on, look very close at your eyes. You will notice your lashes stop before they get to the corners of your eyes. This is as far as you want to go.

The process:
Start by applying everything you wear except your mascara, liner (obviously) and lipstick.

Next, sharpen your pencil to a very fine point (with the sharpener or by stroking the tip against the index card) or put liner on your brush and work it to a very fine point, and put a very fine line of liner across your upper and lower lids, being sure to keep the line within the bounds of your lashes and not connecting it at either corner. On your bottom lid you can also stop in the middle of your pupils; this is a popular and non-crazy-appearing look.

Resharpen your pencil and make the line a bit heavier from the inside side of your irises (left side on right eye, right side on left eye) to the outside corners, on both top and bottom lids. If you went halfway on the bottom, don't do this. Remember, don't connect the top and bottom lines.

Resharpen it again and make the lines a bit heavier from the outside side of your irises (right side on right eye, left side on left) to the outside corners. Do this on top and bottom no matter how far across you went on the bottom.

Finally, add mascara and lipstick and you're done.

For a bit more drama, use a lighter shade for the first line and a darker one for the next two.

March 10, 2013

How we know Sarah Palin is over

The announcers at today's NASCAR race were cracking Sarah Palin jokes.

March 10, 2013

Guns Can't Stop Burglary - and even the right wing agrees

One of the biggest arguments in favor of guns, guns, guns is their use in stopping burglaries. The argument says that a burglar won't enter a home where there might be armed people living, so the logical conclusion is that if everyone in town has a gun in the house, burglars will stop plying their trade.

I think we've all seen the famous bumper sticker that says, "No gun pulls its own trigger."

I work at a newspaper in a very Republican area that is packed with guns, and one of my jobs is to post the crime reports to our website. There are at least three burglaries a week...and in almost all of them guns are stolen.

Right now the paradox of the guns which were bought to prevent burglaries themselves being burglarized should make your head spin, and it's explained by the bumper sticker. Burglars DON'T enter homes where armed people might be present. Rather, they do surveillance on the neighborhood, learn the habits of the residents, and break in when your house is empty.

March 6, 2013

These pictures are total garbage

Chinese photographer Yao Lu arranges garbage at dump sites to look like scenic landscapes, covers them with green construction netting, photographs them and digitally adds buildings to the finished images for added "realism."

http://www.petapixel.com/2013/03/02/photos-of-trash-heaps-made-to-look-like-chinese-landscape-paintings/

March 5, 2013

Scam alert

The Columbia Basin Herald of Moses Lake, Wash., is advising that this ad:

Office/Clerical
Administrative Assistant
Excellent opportunity with benefits. Computer billing skills required. $14 to $16 per hour DOE. Contact HR Department at (855) 357-6311.

is a scam. They recommend that if you have contacted this phone number, you call your local police.