I'm from a small and obscure country called Murdochistan...

The adherents of our two state sanctioned religions were Cricketists and Murdochists. Murdochists controlled and owned the media and kept the Cricketists happy by devoting at least 12 pages each issue to reporting on events at their holy houses of worship. Those of us who silently refused to succumb to the pus-filled growth of either religion didn't understand the Cricketists strange ways, where they'd spend five days at a time at their religious ceremonies sitting out in the sun getting burnt and drinking from their sacred brew while their spiritual leaders all dressed in white stood out in the middle of a big green field doing not much at all for the entire five days. But the Murdochists understood. The Cricket holy men were violent and would constantly slaughter the English, the Kiwis, the Indians, Pakistan, and the West Indies. These bloodbaths kept on happening with the support of the Cricketists and the enablers of the Barmy Army who'd commandeer multiple 747s and come to our small country to engage in holy war and sing to the tune of Yellow Submarine 'You all live in a convict colony! A convict colony! A convict colony!'

The Murdochists were not happy. Their main holy man took to twitter and tweeted: 'Maybe most Cricketists peaceful, but until they recognize and destroy their growing Cricket loving cancer they must be held responsible.'

Problem was everyone thought he was a totally insane old wanker, and next thing we knew he'd vanished. We still have no idea where he went or what he did next, though there were rumours he was in some exotic land tapping phones of parents of murdered children for shits and giggles.

But the damage had been done. He'd left the remnants of his terrorist cell behind, and Andrew Bolt and Piers Ackerman continued to preach in the bloviated and dullard style so embraced by Murdochists everywhere. A smaller religion, Rugby League was decimated by the Murdochist forces, and some suspect he had a hand in reducing the five day Cricket ceremonies to smaller 20 over a side ones that suck all the spiritual significance out of the religion, but are good for adherents who are time limited.

SO DON'T TRY TO FUCKING HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR MURDOCH! I WON'T STAND FOR IT!