is that i hate it. i would much prefer to have a group where most of my identity could be vested in. i hate being frequently disappointed in groups that i otherwise feel affiliation towards.

When there is racism or xenophobia or sexism in LGBT spaces, i feel rejected.

When there is homophobia or sexism in south asian groups, i feel rejected.

when there is racism, homophobia or xenophobia in feminist spaces, i feel rejected.

Having multiple oppressors just makes it than much easier to feel alienated from so many spaces. Having your loyalty contested (am i more feminist or more queer activist or more committed to immigrant rights) is tiresome.

having a person who hosts this place who is so tolerant of transphobia, makes this place hostile to LGBT people.

of course i dont expect the majority of this forum to take this issue seriously, still i do want to make it clear that i feel hosts of this forum should not be bigoted or defend bigotry.

"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.” Joan Didion.

I knew I was going to lose Debjani long before I lost her but I was not prepared for what I felt when it actually did. I didn’t realize how profound death is, how permanent and how unrelenting.

There is no chance to say that one thing you really want to tell her today. No one to receive the text message saying, “Incidentally I think I see my first wrinkle”. There is not another chance to get a glass of wine together. No chance to ask her what color should my wedding dress be? Death is unrelenting.

You think you understand the permanency of death, but till you’ve lost someone so close to you, you don’t.

It turns out that grief can be bottomless, just when you think you’ve hit the nadir of grief, you realize you’ve just skimmed the surface. How much pain, how much anger, how much bitterness you can feel are things you don’t realize.

You don’t get that you will literally reel in shock for months. You don’t realize that you’ll program her phone number into your new phone, because you don’t expect to be the crazy person who feels that when her best friend returns, you’ll need the number again.

You don’t think about how you’ll walk around envisioning your own death and how it could impact those you love. How many things you’ll avoid doing to prevent your loved ones from the kind of pain you now feel. You’ll avoid getting on motorcycles even though you love bike rides. You know you’ll never go hand gliding or white water rafting.

These things may have been on your bucket list but your bucket list will change. Hand gliding will be replaced by “spend more time with the people you love, because you don’t how long they have left”. You’ll look at life through the lens of death. You’ll finally understand mortality.

I struggled with this post. Should I have written something that told you more about my best friend or should I write about how the year after her feels. I know it may sound self-pitying but how profoundly I felt the loss of Debooh and how much I changed from it, is a testament to our friendship. This is the best way I could convey what her death anniversary meant to me and what she meant to me.