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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Notching the first major achievement of his Presidency, Donald Trump has broken the world record for unconstitutional travel bans, the White House confirmed on Wednesday.

In an official statement announcing the new world record, the White House called Trump’s second unconstitutional ban “especially impressive” because it came only thirty-eight days after his first.

“In addition to the world record for unconstitutional travel bans, President Trump has also smashed the speed record for signing them,” the statement read.

Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, touted the new world record in a press briefing that sometimes resembled a victory lap.

“After the first unconstitutional travel ban, a lot of people questioned whether the President could follow it up with another unconstitutional one so quickly,” a gloating Spicer said. “I think he silenced a lot of doubters today.”

In a tense moment, Spicer lashed out at a reporter who claimed that, by issuing two unconstitutional travel bans in less than two months, Trump had “set the bar too high.”

“The travel ban he is planning to sign tomorrow will be more unconstitutional than the first two travel bans put together,” Spicer snapped.



www.borowitzreport.com

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s claim that Barack Obama wiretapped him received a strong denial on Monday from the former President, who said to reporters, “Like I’d want to hear more from that fool?”

Obama said that, when he first saw Trump’s allegations on Twitter, “My first thought was, Only a narcissist on the scale of Donald Trump would think people want to hear more from him than they currently do. If anything, I think we’d all like to hear way, way less.”

He said that his wife, Michelle, agreed that the idea of his wanting to hear more from Donald Trump “was one of the funniest things she’s ever heard.”

“When I read her those Trump tweets on Saturday morning, she totally cracked up,” the former President said. “Whenever we’re at home and that guy comes on TV, I’m always, like, ‘Michelle, turn that damn thing off.’ ”

Obama visibly shuddered at the notion of intelligence agencies providing him with hours of recordings of Donald Trump talking. “Don’t even,” he said.



www.borowitzreport.com

It has just been announced that former President Barack Obama will be the recipient of the Centennial John F. Kennedy Profile of Courage Award. The award was established by the Kennedy family in 1989, but this year’s award is especially significant because it coincides with what would be JFK’s one-hundredth birthday.
The award is named after Kennedy’s 1957 Pulitzer Prize winner Profiles of Courage. The book documents eight senators in American history who prioritized principle over politics. The Profile of Courage award is presented annually to a lawmaker who embodies the spirit of those legendary eight senators.

This year a bipartisan committee of fourteen jurors unanimously agreed that Obama is the most worthy candidate. In the past, each recipient has been awarded on the basis of a particular decision that they made. For the centennial, the board decided to do something different. Obama is not honored for any one action. Instead, his entire career is recognized as having defied political interests and prioritized America and its people over all else.

On May 7, JFK’s daughter and former ambassador to Japan Caroline Kennedy and her son, Jack Schlossberg, will present the prize to Obama in Boston. Obama will deliver a speech at the ceremony which is sure to be a beautiful tribute to the life and death of President Kennedy.
We agree with the committee that no one other than President Obama could fulfill the important role of accepting the centennial award in honor of the fallen President. Congratulations, President Obama. We supported your presidency from day one and we will continue to support your legacy.



http://occupydemocrats.com/2017/03/02/president-obama-just-received-incredible-award-trump-will-never-get/

An Inoperable Tumor

How to remove a madman from the White House?

By HAL CROWTHER

It’s time to face this central fact, while facts still matter. The president of the United States is mentally ill, and not mildly ill either. He’s a hollow shell of diseased self-regard who’s been stuffed with alt-right ideology by some of the most loathsome opportunists in the political ecosystem — if you don’t recognize Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway as the kind of bottom-feeding creatures who breed in solid-waste lagoons, you really aren’t paying attention.

Some of us have been saying since 2015 that Donald Trump was better qualified for the madhouse than the White House. Post-inaugural events have advanced this argument beyond debate or objective denial. Thomas L. Friedman, the least excitable of anti-Trump columnists, warns us in this morning’s Times, “His lack of respect for institutions and truth pours out so fast, you start to forget how crazy this behavior is for any adult, let alone a president …” Note the word “crazy.” Carl Bernstein, whose reporting on Watergate helped to rid us of the last president whose mental health was precarious, can be heard on CNN declaring this a far worse case than Nixon’s paranoia, a genuine psychiatric crisis that has some of Bernstein’s best sources in the Republican Party sharing dark fears of chaos and breakdown. According to one of my best sources in Washington, the psychiatric department at Georgetown’s medical school is unanimous in its verdict that the president is not and has never been playing with a full deck.

Glenn Beck, of all people, calls him “dangerously unhinged.” Historians will argue about similar displays of instability by previous presidents. But Trump is our curse and our burden at this critical moment, as he and his eerie team of belligerent generals, reactionary billionaires and white nationalists dismantle a federal government that reflected, at times, the values and aspirations of progressive Americans. In order to replace it, apparently, with a banana-republic plutocracy that brings words like “oligarchy” and “junta” to mind, and wire-service photos of beribboned dictators with pencil-thin mustaches. This is not fanciful, or alarmist in the least. The overwhelming question facing us, of course, is “What the hell can we do?”

If I could tell you, in so many words, what to do with a legally elected mad president, I’d be the logical nominee for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. Anyone who has attempted to commit a seriously deranged family member knows just how legally exhausting and emotionally wrenching it can be. A delicate business at best. Even Uncle Leo, who streaks high-school football games in a Speedo, has his rights, and his feelings. And Trump, an orange-crested lunatic who sits up there in the Lincoln Bedroom in his bathrobe tweeting hate mail at journalists and imaginary antagonists, is currently commander-in-chief of the most powerful military machine in the history of this sweet planet.

for the rest of this I send you to:
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http://www.populist.com/23.05.crowther.html