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Gender: Female
Member since: Fri Nov 26, 2004, 04:56 AM
Number of posts: 27,711

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with tears and love


i hope so much that you have at least a bit of a support system. a good friend or two? another (close) family member.

is it possible for you to stay with her? overnight?

have you talked to her about what is happening? i tried with my mom--and i tried to be strong while we talked and she knew i was completely torn up over it. she died of cancer and the bizarre thing was we didn't even know she had it until two weeks before she passed on from it. and it wasn't until one week before she passed that the docs told me she might qualify for hospic--but they expected her to live longer than six months.

we must have said "i love you" a thousand times. we were so unprepared for this. it happened so quickly. it was probably the most difficult thing i've ever said--telling her it was okay to let go--that i would be fine (which i seriously doubted), that everything would be fine (knowing it would never be the same again). i told her she'd be able to see her mom and dad, and her sister, and my dad. and a hundred more times saying "i love you."

one of the most important things, i feel, i said to her was this: "i don't know how i'm going to do it--but i will find you again, mommy. i will find you again someday." and she looked at me hopefully and asked, "do you really think so?" and i nodded and said, "yes. i will find you--and we'll be together again."

i am so glad i told her that--and i felt so determined, and so completely certain that it was true--that it was something that i coulld absolutely accomplish because i loved her so much.

and with all the ADC that's been around this house for over two years (the signs and signals, the sound of the knocking between her bedroom wall and the living room wall in a rhythm we used as a signal to each other, the flashing light that hadn't worked in years and decided to randomly turn on and off for a few months, the tv shutting itself off, the smell of her perfume--so often, and the smell of buttered popcorn that hasn't been in this house since i made it for her the last time she had some--the synchronicities of so very many things--and when i ask her to give me a sign to let me know she's here i usually get it) the irony is she found me first.

the hardest thing was telling her it was okay to let go. probably one of the kindest as well. it so wasn't okay--but it had to be because, so suddenly, she couldn't stay.

tell her everything you need to tell her for now. even if she's medicated or sleeping. but even if you don't i'm sure your mom already knows. of course she knows.

i am so sorry to hear this about your mom. i've been under the impression that you have a small family like i do (it was just me and my mom and my daughter. at least i still have my daughter). but i hope i'm wrong--i hope so much you have someone who will help you through this change in your life--this next chapter. i don't want you to be alone.

my mom was my rock and my best friend too.

sending you much sympathy

i can't imagine the shock and deep sadness you must be feeling. my daughter's 23 and...oh my god--i can't imagine.

and thank you for posting this piece of advice.

years ago, when i was in my late teens & early twenties, my friend and i would talk about stuff like that--the songs we wanted played at our funerals, who was going to get what (even though we hardly had anything of value), etc. and i think i always had my mom on my meager bank account.

now i don't even want a funeral or memorial service--just a very casual gathering at home if my daughter wants to do that. my mother made it very clear (even put it in writing) that she didn't want a funeral or anything so my daughter and i had a gathering in memory and celebration of her in our home over a year after she passed on.

but i think, in general you're right: kids (young people) generally don't think about the details for something like that. my friend and i were maybe a bit cryptic or over the top back then.

as for you--i hope you're getting all the emotional support you need and deserve. and i hope you continue to get it for as long as you need it and want it. talking helps. (at least for me. it's been really hard losing my mom and not only do i talk about her to my daughter and my good friends, but i still talk to her--my mom--every day and she's been gone in the physical sense for over two years. sometimes i hear her voice in my head--not like you hear someone else when they speak to you, but it's a thought that pops into my head with my mom's wording, or the type of response she would make. hard to explain. but i feel her around me so often.

even, at times, when i'm talking to someone my mom's voice pops into my head with a funny remark or a sarcastic remark--something that i'm not thinking during the conversation so it's totally out of the blue but it's definately her commenting. sometimes it's a cautionary remark. it depends on the conversation.

one day i had just parked my car at the store, and that afternoon i'd been saying: give me a sign, mom, and i got out of the car and said--quietly so no one would hear me talking to myself--i said aloud "mom." and i turned my head and the first thing my eyes made contact with was a license plate that began with the letters MOM.

now i certainly don't think she magically put that car there just to give me a sign. but, maybe she whispered for me to turn my head at that most perfect moment--and maybe, subconsciously, i heard her. there have been so many things like that--i write them down in a journal i keep with letters to her, but i should make a list. there's been countless times we smell her perfume--and even the scent of buttered popcorn which we haven't made since a month or two before she passed so it wouldn't be lingering in the house six months later!

anyway, i think those who pass on give us clues or signs in all different ways but sometimes we're too devestated to notice or too caught up in the day-to-day. i was recently re-reading a couple books--i forget which one said this--but it was a comment about how when someone passes on our relationship with them doesn't end, it just moves onto a different level that we have to adapt to. (it was either the book "love beyond life" or "we don't die."

i hope you take care. and take it easy--go slow.
a warm hug for you.

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