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Gender: Female
Member since: Fri Nov 26, 2004, 04:56 AM
Number of posts: 27,711

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that video was lovely. i'm sure your mom appreciates every moment you worked on

putting it together.
this is my fourth mother's day since my mom passed and my heart is still broken.
it's the first year since she passed that i went out and bought her a card; i realized it was important to me to still acknowledge mother's day with something tangible.

adapting to being without someone we have been with for so long can be very difficult and challenging. but we keep them in our thoughts and in our hearts and that is how we keep them near.

take care.

omg, cha

i was walking the pooch and thinking how this is going to be my 4th mother's day without my mom and suddenly decided i was going to go out and buy a card for her (which i haven't done for 3 mother's days now).

i put some tissues in my pocket, envisioning myself reading the cards and crying, trying to pick out the right one. as it turned out, the aisle was very crowded as i turned into it. i stopped, a card caught my eye right away, i picked it up and read it. that was the right card. there were no tears. i glanced at few others, but i had found the perfect one right away.

on my way home i said to myself: my god--you're crazy. and after a moment i added: so what? who the fuck cares?

i sat down and wrote quite a bit inside the card. it had an interior page and i filled that and the back of it along with the back of the card. it wasn't so much of an "update" to my mom -- (because i think she is most definitely still around--the night before my daughter & i were on the couch talking and i got a whiff of my mom's scent/perfume; i glanced over at her chair and told my daughter "she's here--just like before when the three of us would all sit around & talk" -- but i poured out my emotions into the card (and cried over every word i wrote). i put it in the envelope, wrote her name on it, and slipped it into a journal type of book that i use to write/communicate with her.

it's reassuring to know i'm not the only one giving their mom a card in spite of such circumstances.

even tho i was very emotional as i wrote in that card it did make me feel good--it gave me the opportunity to acknowledge the fact that she still is my mom (always was and always will be) for as long as i'm on this earth.

amazing photographers. wonderful photos.

one of the few reasons my mom would sit in front of the computer was when i told her we should vote on the photos at the du photo contests. (she wasn't a computer person and had no interest to learn to use one.) but we would look at all the pictures and she would comment and be wowed, and we would vote together--and the majority of time we'd agree.

one of life's simple pleasures--voting in the du photo contests. (and enjoying all the pictures)

thanks kesha. i know we share the same boat--missing our mothers

and today was not a good day for me.
(you know sometimes i think i'm doing okay, and then ...i just crash. so today i was crashing on the way to work and on the way home)

this morning my daughter asked me what i wanted for mother's day.
"i want my mom" was my answer. it's true.

so on the way to work, in the car, i said out loud:
"so, mom, what do you want for mother's day?"
and the answer i heard her say in my mind, without missing a beat:
"i just want you to be happy."

omg! i just lost it--of course she wants me to be happy. it sounds like the simplest thing when it's probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now.
i don't know what i was expecting, but i guess i wasn't expecting to hear that. i probably wasn't expecting to hear anything.

and on the way home as i drove through a neighborhood i could smell grills fired up and food cooking and i started thinking of when i used to barbecue and those summer afternoons/evenings with me managing the grill and the food for my mom and daughter. and i miss those days so terribly much, remembering how they felt, how i felt. i used to think "i love my life" -- sometimes i would even say it out loud to myself in the car when i was driving.

and then i start thinking they're gone--those days, those precious years, with my daughter still a kid and growing up and the three of us together--they're gone. and i loved them so much. those days, those times, are gone. so why am i still be here? (i know it sounds so dumb--but, like i said, i was crashing)

i'd do it all again in a heartbeat--all the years, the bitter with the sweet--i wouldn't change a thing. except to give my mom ten more years of health. (and in turn, give me ten more years with her)

...what a day...
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