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Profile Information

Gender: Female
Hometown: CA
Home country: USA
Current location: NC
Member since: Wed Aug 17, 2005, 01:29 AM
Number of posts: 27,092

About Me

I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.

Journal Archives

My daughter died 20 years ago today.

Twenty years on. This anniversary is never fun, but it feels like a milestone I did not, at the time, think I would ever see. At the time, every minute passing by was a torture as I grappled with an intolerable fact that every cell and every thought and emotion rejected.

I wondered how to live if Bekah didn't. Twenty years on, I think I've learned and managed about as well as possible given her persistent absence. Still miss her, always will. Still feel her near me and take comfort in little signs I fancy she sends me.

"Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget
That sunrise never failed us yet" - Celia Thaxter

Early on I scolded the sun for daring to rise if Bekah wasn't alive. Night after sleepless night I watched it do it anyway. I gazed at the rising sun, begging it to bring me back my girl. Just let me see her ghost. Her face. Her smile. To this day I fall out longing for a visit from her as I dream. It happens sometimes. She's different ages in these dreams. Sometimes I know she's dead, other times I don't until I wake up.

The sun did persist in rising, day in, day out, for twenty years now. It has done so again today. It feels like a milestone I must memorialize, even if I don't know how. I want to write a poem but the words elude me. I want to make a painting but my hand is shaky and I don't think I'll like what results. So here we are. Twenty years.

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