It’s better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.

...or so they say.

Today I’m not so sure that this is true. If I had not totally given my heart to my beloved husband, my heart would not be utterly shattered by his loss. I don’t know if I can ever be happy again. I don’t know how to stop missing him so fiercely. How do people cope after losing half their heart? Sometimes I start crying and it feels like I can never stop. I am not suicidal (I could not do that to my children and grandchildren), but I understand the widows in India who climb onto the pyres and burn with their dead husbands. I can’t envision my future without him in it. How can I open to a future that I can’t see? Right now I can’t see past this broken moment.

It’s Christmas day, and it has been exactly four months today since my sweet husband, best friend, and soulmate died. I am so incredibly sad.