Tommy Carcetti
Tommy Carcetti's JournalBREAKING NEWS: Ghost of Martin Van Buren apparates, demands to be re-instated as President
The ghost of Martin Van Buren, the 8th President of the United States who served a single term in office from 1837 to 1841 before losing re-election to William Henry Harrison, mysteriously appeared in a New York cemetery last night in order to raise new grievances that he alleges cost him a chance at a second term as President.
At approximately midnight at the Kinderhook Reformed Dutch Church Cemetery in Kinderhook, New York, a bright, glowing visage could be seen levitating high in midair above the obelisk-shaped monument where Van Buren was buried after his death in 1862. Van Buren’s undead apparition wore a dark colored waistcoat and trousers, with a bald head accompanied by his famed thick sideburns leaving no doubt that it was indeed the spirit of the former President.
“Denizens of the living!” the ghostly Van Buren announced. “I have awakened from my great mortal slumber in order to warn you of treachery and sabotage most foul, acts that now demand recompense through my immediate and unconditioned return to office! Though I shall forewarn you, such a response requires a suspension or termination of certain provisions of the Constitution and all accompanying laws, including laws concerning matters of elections, physics, gravity, time and space, and common sense.”
The basis for Van Buren’s claims centered around John Scott Harrison—the son of William Henry Harrison—and what Van Buren deemed to be “a wretched connivance of the Fourth Estate.”
“At some point during the course of my eternal rest, I found myself visited by a fellow spirit whose name I shall not divulge for the sake of his own privacy,” Van Buren explained. “This kindly and very much deceased gentleman, a woodworker by trade from the State of Ohio, told me it was in October of 1840 that he had been commissioned to handle the refurbishment of a certain Davenport desk belonging to one John Scott Harrison, Major General Harrison’s fifth-born progeny.”
“At first, the task appeared to be quite banal and unremarkable to this tradesman,” Van Buren continued. “That was until he happened to open the desktop compartment of the younger Harrison’s desk. It was there that he found materials of a most shocking and prurient nature, namely self-etchings drawn by Mr. Harrison’s very own hand which revealed a grotesque and crude perversion of the mind and soul.”
But that was just the beginning of the story, the phantom Van Buren insisted.
“Quickly, the woodworker seized the etchings,” he said. “And by horseback he rapidly set out to the offices of the Cincinnati Herald Dispatch and Penny Press, an erstwhile but amply circulated publication of then-good repute. Upon arriving there, he demanded the immediate publication of these wretched etchings, for the public had a right to know that the entire Harrison name sat under a dark cloud of sin and deviance. And yet his insistence went unheeded by the editorial staff.”
Asked for comment, the ghost of Phillip Stuart Kensington—the then-publisher of the Cincinnati Herald Dispatch and Penny Press—defended his newspaper’s decision not to publish John Scott Harrison’s nude etchings.
“The Herald Dispatch and Penny Press is—was?—an institution representing the very highest standards of journalism,” Kensington said while floating above his rather modest gravesite in Cincinnati’s Pioneer Memorial Cemetery. “Such scandal and sensationalism might be sufficient for those plebian hoi polloi readers of the Cincinnati Manufacturers and Farmers Journal, but never for us.”
Van Buren, however, insisted that the story was newsworthy.
“John Scott Harrison’s desktop is real!” he exclaimed.
The Eighth President remained fast to the belief that had the Herald Dispatch and Penny Press published the etchings, it could have had altered the course of the 1840 election, which he lost to the elder Harrison by less than 200,000 votes.
“Clearly if they had been given the chance, our vast electorate of property-owning males of the white race would have taken a great interest in learning of the moral turpitude that has befallen the Harrison family,” Van Buren said. “But tragically, such truth has been silenced! Thus, we have all been banished to the shadows!”
And what sort of redress was the posthumous Van Buren seeking? Nothing short of a full and immediate return to office.
“Like Emperor Napoleon’s return from exile at Grenoble, my immortal ghastly soul shall triumphantly descend on Washington to once again serve as your Eighth President,” Van Buren proclaimed. “Or Forty-Seventh. Frankly, the matter of numeration is but a trifle.”
Once back in office, the ghost of Martin Van Buren says he intends to pick up right where he left off.
“I shall concern myself strictly with the matters of most importance to the citizenry,” Van Buren said. “Namely, I shall see to it that the ongoing conflict with the native savages in the Ever Glades of the Florida Territory is properly resolved to fruition. I shall remain steadfastly opposed to the admission of the Republic of Texas into the Union, negotiate a proper peace with Queen Victoria of Great Britain ensuring their dominion over the Canadian territories, and sufficiently placate the quibbles of Southern plantation owners in the hopes of avoiding greater civil strife and discord amongst the people.”
DETAILS AT ELEVEN
A confession. This whole election has felt a bit...weird...for me.
Note off the top: I am not saying I feel in any way less motivated to want to see Democrats win, hold the majority in Congress, take Governors' races, etc. Nor have I been shy in advocating my support for Democratic candidates.
But there is something at what I can only assume is at a subconscious level that has me feeling, well, exhausted by it all.
Subliminally, I think the Trump years really did a number on me. Every single day for four years, I would wake up in this Kafkaesqe nightmare where we had an unhinged lunatic in control of the United States just betraying all norms of common decency. And I really, really just wanted it to end.
And then in November 2020, it did end. But just barely. And not enough to eliminate the continued peril to American democracy.
Which you might say under normal circumstances might act as an additional motivator for me. But I think due to the degree of the low-grade trauma of four years of Trump, I just felt like I needed a breather. And in a day and age where the next election cycle seems to begin the day the previous one ends, two years just felt like too short of a turn-around. Even knowing democracy was on the line. Even knowing Trump is out there, looming, and looking to run again.
Then there is the creeping realization that grotesque cretins like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert will likely win re-election despite being affronts to humanity. There's the fact that I just voted for Charlie Crist and Val Demings--two candidates who I liked and vocally supported for--but set against the inherent power of the incumbency, it just seems like an uphill battle at best, a lost cause at worst. There's the sense I get that people expecting elections nationwide to be won over a single narrow issue is a folly, but if we were to openly frame it as to what's really the overall theme of what's at stake--the basic democratic backbone of the country as opposed to a backslide into cult-like authoritarianism--people would simply dismiss you as being alarmist or overwrought.
I'm sorry, guys. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic. Honestly.
Really, all of this is just me talking out loud to get it off my chest.
But I think as a coping mechanism, I have somehow adopted an "expect the worst, hope for the best" mindset to ground myself. I won't be staying up late in front of the TV screens, monitoring the results, waiting and anticipating victories for my candidates as I have in basically every previous election since I have come of voting age.
I probably won't even watch the news at all. There are plenty of shows on my DVR and streaming queues that I can watch until I'm tired enough to sleep. And I'll go to bed assuming when I wake up, I'll still be stuck with Ron Fucking DeSantis as my governor and having to deal with a new party in charge in one or both houses of Congress.
And I pray to God I'll be proven wrong tomorrow. And that tomorrow I can return to this post and laugh at myself, and invite you all to laugh at me.
But this whole election, on a very personal level, has felt very different and disconnected to me in ways I can't fully understand. Even in 2010 and 2014, the last two midterms where we got shellacked, I was absolutely hyped up to win, and completely thrown for a loop when we didn't. Maybe I should have seen the warning signs then. But I didn't want to.
This, on the other hand, just feels depressing. Like a gray cloud hanging over the horizon. And it's not for the fault of President Biden or the candidates or DU or Democrats in general. You all have been fine.
I think it's just the fact that Trump isn't actually there, but he's still very much there, and six years in with no clear respite in sight it's just taken a toll on my sunny optimism about this country and humanity in general.
Again, sorry to go on like this. There's no need to like this post, or comment on it if you don't want to. Really this was all me getting my frustrations off my chest.
And tomorrow, when I'm proven very wrong, please feel free to come back and laugh at me. Because I'll be right there with you. 
BREAKING NEWS: Disillusioned Musk announces sale of Twitter to conservative personality Catturd
Just days after his $44 Billion purchase of social media giant Twitter was completed, billionaire businessman Elon Musk made a surprise announcement he was now selling the popular website. The sale was announced after a tumultuous week where Musk fired the entire corporate board, floated a system where people would pay $8 for a verified account, and the site was reportedly inundated by purveyors of hate speech and conspiracy theories soon after his takeover took place.
And the purchaser of Twitter? Its very own far-right provocateur poster who goes by the screen name “Catturd.”
“After some long soul searching and hard contemplation, I have decided to sell my entire share of control in Twitter to Catturd, as unfortunately my leadership has failed to meet his stated demands of stopping all shadow banning and purging of his followers,” Musk announced over his Twitter account. “Mr. Turd has agreed to pay the requested purchase price in the amount of $83.17, along with two Circuit City gift cards of indeterminate value.”
Catturd—who is the digital alter ego of one Mr. Phillip L. Buchanan living in the small Florida panhandle town of Wewahitchka—has amassed nearly 1 million followers and his jabs at Democrats and liberals are frequently re-tweeted by popular conservative figures such as Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene, as well as former President Donald Trump before his account was suspended in January 2021. Buchanan also frequently uses his account to peddle the sale of various Catturd merchandise and several of his self-published novels—all written under his Catturd moniker—including one where he crudely depicts New York Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as a farting space alien.
Soon after Musk completed the sale, a press conference was announced in front of Catturd Manor in Wewahitchka featuring only a man in a suit wearing a mask of the Catturd mascot, that being a cartoonish glasses-wearing white cat.
“Elon Musk’s spirit may have been willing, but sadly his flesh was weak,” the man said through a heavily distorted voice modulator. “Only now, under the guided and glorious reign of Catturd, can Twitter truly ascend to its true Golden Era where its ultimate purpose can be achieved: shit-posting based memes and owning the libs once and for all! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Also, signed copies of my newest novel, ‘Hi, I’m Joe Biden and I Just Pooped My Pants,’ are available right over there,” the man quickly added. “$52 each, not including costs for shipping and handling.”
Long time users of Twitter were quick to spot some rather noticeable changes to the website that were implemented soon after Catturd took control.
For example, Catturd abandoned Musk’s plans to offer verified accounts for a $8 a month charge; instead, he announced that all existing verifications will be terminated and that all new verified accounts be offered exclusively to January 6th criminal defendants.
Additionally, much in the vein of the now-defunct social media site Myspace and its founder Tom Anderson, all Twitter users will automatically be followed by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene. However, users will not be able to block Taylor-Greene or remove her from their followers list, and she has already pledged she will weigh in on each and every tweet posted by the user, regardless of whether they actual desire her input or not.
Catturd also announced that he was banning all media companies from Twitter and the sharing of any of their published pieces, with the stated exceptions of Breitbart News, The Gateway Pundit, and The Gosper County Mail-Post and Cattle Report, the latter of which being a bi-weekly publication out of Nebraska that he insisted “hit on all the real stories of national importance.”
In addition, a new Twitter feature was promoted, allowing users to send AI-generated insults directly to the Democratic politician of their choice at the mere click of a button; nearly all outcomes involved references to a variety of bodily functions and fluids.
Users would also be involuntarily subjected to the “Catturd Joke of the Day;” as of press time, those have included the following attempts at humor:
“Good Morning to everyone except Applesauce Brains Joe Biden!”
“Good Morning to everyone except Mashed Potato Head Joe Biden!”
“Good Morning to everyone except Oatmeal Brains Joe Biden!”
Finally, the Twitter algorithm was adjusted so that every third tweet on users’ feeds were advertisements for Catturd’s newest self-published release, “I Bet Hillary Clinton’s Armpits Smell So Bad, Right?”
While many prominent far-right conservatives on Twitter seemed quite pleased at the newest change in the site’s ownership, ironically there was one who was ultimately less than enthused: Catturd himself.
“Ever since I took over Twitter, I’ve been losing over 15,000 followers a day,” Catturd announced on his account. “Clearly some lib shadow-banning going on. And the idiots that run this site just let it all happen. So, if anyone’s interested, go ahead and name your price.”
DETAILS AT ELEVEN.
Putting aside the arguable lack of wisdom of building on a barrier island for just a moment...
...I still find it inexplicably sad seeing the catastrophic destruction following a hurricane, and the resulting loss of people's business and livelihood.
Here is some footage today from Fort Myers Beach which--without exaggeration--resembles the Ukrainian city of Mariupol following the recent Russian carpet bombing campaign of that town.
Around the 0:30 mark, you'll see a property where the only thing left standing is the foundation of a swimming pool.
Until yesterday, that was the Silver Sands Resort, a fully functioning and standing hotel:
And I'm sure over the years of its existence, there were many happy vacation memories for many people at places like Silver Sands, now completely destroyed over the course of a couple of hours.
Now, the silver lining I am assuming is that a community like Fort Myers Beach is that a lot of the residences are seasonal or vacation homes, and that hopefully most people who were living there at the time of Ian heeded evacuation orders well before the storm. Such was the case with Hurricane Michael and Mexico Beach near Panama City in 2018, which suffered similar near-total destruction but thankfully very little loss of life.
Of course, the greater discussion is whether building anything in these type of places so susceptible to nature's fury is anything but a fool's errand. And we'll have to have those discussions repeatedly in the future.
But for now, regardless of the greater implications, it's just very sad to see, and nothing more.
For those keeping score at home:
Trump mentally declassified the documents that the FBI planted on him, which were in fact Hillary Clinton’s emails.
I’m sure several additional layers of bullshit will be added on over the coming weeks.
"Great, well there goes my weekend plans."
Said the sole DOJ employee charged with investigating all allegations regarding Donald Trump.
BREAKING NEWS: Legally embattled Trump lands in Puerto Rico, demands asylum
Facing an ever-increasing number of mounting legal woes—from the investigation into the January 6th insurrection to the recent FBI search of his Mar-a-Lago property revealing top secret documents in his possession—former President Donald Trump arrived in Puerto Rico today, demanding he be granted “full and complete political asylum” by authorities in that United States territory.
“Because I have been treated so unfairly and so terribly by the laws of the United States—from the Russia hoax to the Ukraine hoax to the January 6th hoax and now this document hoax—I hereby request that I immediately be given total asylum and protection here in the free and independent sovereign nation of Puerto Rico,” Trump said while standing in front of the staircase leading to his chartered jet parked on the tarmac of San Juan’s Luis Munoz Marin International Airport. “Also commonly referred to as ‘Water Mexico.’”
“Water Mexico,” Trump reiterated. “A lot of people like to call it that. Myself included. But lots of people do.”
When asked why he specifically chose to flee to Puerto Rico as his destination for asylum, Trump claimed “they pretty much owe it to me.”
“You may recall that when I was President, Puerto Rico was hit by a terrible, terrible storm,” Trump explained. “It was called Hurricane Katrina. And as the winds howled and the waters raged, at risk to my own life I personally came in to hand deliver critical supplies, saving the lives of hundreds—if not thousands—of Puerto Ricites.”
Trump appeared to be referring to 2017’s Hurricane Maria, a Category 5 storm that devastated the island. As President, Trump did not visit until several weeks after the storm. During his trip, he harshly criticized local authorities for perceived disloyalty to him and participated in a widely-mocked photo opportunity where he threw rolls of paper towels at relief workers.
Nonetheless, at present date the former President appeared to maintain a gracious attitude towards his new island host, which has been a Commonwealth subject to U.S. laws since its annexation in 1898 following the Spanish-American War.
“As a newly-minted Puerto Ricoer, I very much look forward to sampling some of the local cuisine, such as their famed Taco Bowl,” Trump said. “Which might not measure up to the Trump Tower Taco Bowls, but then again, very few do.”
“And also the Choco Taco,” he quickly added.
Trump also said he was looking forward to engaging in some of Puerto Rico’s native customs and traditions, of which he listed “waterskiing” and “the hotel breakfast bar” as specific examples.
Trump then launched into a narrative where he praised the “democratic spirit” of the island.
“Remember that for years, Puerto Rico suffered under the oppressive regime of Fidel Castro,” Trump said. “Until one Cinco of Mayo, Puerto Ricovillians proclaimed in one loud voice ‘Uno mas!’ and rose up and overthrew that brutal dictator. It’s true. They even made a musical about it. It’s called Evita.”
The Former President said he felt optimistic he would be greeted warmly and with open arms in the U.S. territory.
“I am confident that in virtually no time, I will join the ranks of Puerto Rico’s most beloved native citizens,” Trump proclaimed. “Such as the great and legendary singer Bob Marley.”
After his remarks at the airport, Trump asked locals where he should go to make his official request for asylum. He was promptly directed to the address of the local FBI field office in San Juan.
DETAILS AT ELEVEN.
DU EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of alleged "Swatting" call to 911 regarding Marjorie Taylor Greene
[Note: On August 24, 2022, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene alleged she was the victim of a so-called "Swatting" call to 911. "Swatting" is a tactic where a anonymous emergency call is made alerting police to a fake crisis situation at the victim's residence, resulting in a team of Special Weapons and Tactical--or SWAT--being called to respond to the situation and potentially endangering the victim. In the interests of full public disclosure, local authorities have made the decision to release the following transcript of the full and complete call at issue.][Call begins]
Dispatch (D): 911. What’s your emergency?
Caller (C): (in heavily affected deep male voice) Yes, this is Adolph Stalin. I’m the Grand Dragon Wizard and Executive Vice Secretary Treasurer of Antifa, Incorporated. “Allauh Akbar,” that’s our slogan. We love to eat your babies.
D: That’s not really important right now. Do you have an actual emergency to report?
C: Yes, I would like to report that Greene Lady.
D: I’m sorry. You’d like to report…a green lady? I don’t quite understand.
C: Yes! That Greene Lady! You know—Marjorie Taylor Greene? That Congresswoman who loves America and freedom so much and hilariously owning the libs. I’d like to report her.
D: Well, why? What is she doing?
C: Oh, I’m pretty sure she’s praying, and flying her flag, and eating real meat. And as we all know, President Sleepy Joe Biden—who I very much support—has expressly made all those things illegal and punishable by death. So, it’s my God-given duty by law to report her. Even though I actually hate God. Hail Satan!
D: Okay, ma’am…or, err, sir—
C: Hey! Hey! None of that pronoun nonsense there! I’m transgressive!
D: Yes, you most certainly are. Anyways, none of those things are actually illegal, so unless you have an actual emergency to report—
C: Fine, fine! She has guns!
D: So, you’re saying she’s armed?
C: Yes, she’s heavily armed. I heard she has all sorts of AR-15s. Which libtards like me think means “assault rifle,” but actually means “Armalite,” and that one fact alone automatically disqualifies us from ever discussing any sort of gun control. Ha-ha! Owned!
D: Again, that’s not really important. But you do say she has guns.
C: She has guns, and she intends to use them according to the true intended purpose of the 2nd Amendment, which everyone knows is to support the overthrow of a government that they believe has become tyrannical.
D: I copy. So, you say Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene is heavily armed and is seeking to overthrow the government.
C: Yes.
D: Very well. I’ll send someone over—
C: Wait! Wait! Did I say that? I didn’t mean to say that! That would just be silly and wrong.
D: I do believe it would be very wrong, yes.
C: But anyways, she does have guns and you should send the Gazpacho to her house right now.
D: The Gazpacho?
C: Yes, the Gazpacho. You know, the guys with all the guns and clubs and stuff.
D: You want me to send her soup?
C: Oh, you think you’re funny, don’t you? A real regular Catturd, eh?
D: I honestly don’t know who that is.
C: Of course you wouldn’t. Just send the police, okay? She’s doing some really terrible stuff over at her house. A real Peach Tree Dish of illegality.
D: And where are you right now at the moment?
C: I’m at the house next door, 5382 [REDACTED] Street.
D: Okay, I’m looking that up and…well, my records show that 5382 [REDACTED] Street is actually Congresswoman Taylor Greene’s house.
C: Dammit! I’m so terrible at numbers! You have to understand, nobody ever taught me math at school. They were too busy teaching me Critical Race Theory, all so that I could go to college and major in 19th Century Black Gay Women’s Theoretical Historical Contemplative Clay Basket Weaving History Theory. And now you get to pay for my education, sucker! Loser!
D: Thank you. Anything else?
C: Just so the police should know, Congresswoman Taylor Greene is, like, super strong and physically fit. I heard she goes to Crossfit all the time to work out. And when she goes there, all the men at the Crossfit club are like, “Oh, she’s so hot.” And then they’re like, “Yeah, but I heard she’s married.” But then they all say, “Sure, but I heard she’s more than willing to overlook that little fact, wink-wink”—
D: All right, that’s enough. Anything else I should know?
C: Do you want to hear about the Rothschild Family’s nefarious plan to launch lasers into space in order to ignite forest fires around the globe?
D: Not really, no.
C: Then no.
D: Okay, and just for the record, what is your address again, so that police can get a statement from you?
C: It’s 5382 [REDACTED] Street.
D: Very good. I’ll send the police over there right away.
C: No, wait, shit—
[Line disconnects]
BREAKING NEWS: New upstart venture Trump Nuclear announces start of business operations
Shockwaves reverberated all across the Military-Industrial Complex as word of a new player in the game of nuclear weapons was announced. But in a twist, this newest player has a very familiar name to it.
Today, the Trump Organization publicly announced the founding of its newest business venture, Trump Nuclear, which it says will focus on the research, development, production, marketing and distribution of nuclear energy, materials and weaponry across the globe.
“We’re here to offer our clients a variety of the finest products in fission technology,” a Trump Organization spokesperson said. “From specialized battlefield tactical nukes all the way up to massive thermonuclear hydrogen bombs, we aim to please by delivering products that not only provide maximum explosive firepower, but do so with the utmost level of panache and class.”
Trump Nuclear said their mission was to change the way countries and paramilitary organizations looked at nuclear proliferation, and to remove the red tape typically associated with development of such weapons by outsourcing it to the private sector, thus allowing a stress-free environment for those seeking to gain an added advantage in global geopolitics.
“And we’re going to have some fun with it, too,” the spokesperson enthused. “People think ‘nuclear weapons’ and they think dull, drab olive-green mechanical devices. Trump Nuclear is going to change that completely. All of our weaponry is going to come in a choice of silver, gold or platinum coating, signifying that the person detonating it will spare no expense in annihilating his or her sworn enemies.”
“And we’re going to have guaranteed two-day shipping for all products!” he added.
While the official grand opening of Trump Nuclear isn’t scheduled to take place until sometime this fall, the company has already been quietly been doing business on a beta-test level for several months. Trump Nuclear officials state that plans to develop the company began at some point in early 2021.
So far, sources say a review of the list of Trump Nuclear’s clients reveals both some familiar and expected names as well as some surprises.
“North Korea, Russia, and Saudi Arabia all have made inquiries,” one intelligence official said. “Also, Iran, which is a bit of a surprise given the level of antagonism that existed during the Trump administration. But I think the Trump Nuclear thinking on Iran is that if you can’t beat them, supply them.”
But not all countries looking to do business with Trump Nuclear were traditional rogue powers.
“There were a few names that came completely out of left field,” the intelligence official noted. “For example, Liechtenstein! That’s right—Liechtenstein! You can’t blame them, though. Little people wanting to think big. And when I say ‘little people,’ I’m not just speaking metaphorically. Honestly, I don’t think there was a Liechtensteiner government representative over 5 foot 8 at the sales pitch meeting.”
Besides officially recognized governmental entities, several paramilitary organizations and unrecognized nation states also have already sought out the services of Trump Nuclear. Representatives from the Islamic State, the Donetsk People’s Republic in Eastern Ukraine, and a confederation of separatist militias from Eastern Oregon have all either already purchased materials from Trump Nuclear or have inquired about doing so.
While the entry of Trump Nuclear into the weapons of mass destruction market has undoubtedly created a tremendous level of excitement, many questions still remain about the actual quality and effectiveness of the products being sold. Even Trump Nuclear has admitted that not all customers have been satisfied with the inventory stock so far.
“We have received at least one complaint so far,” a company spokesperson said. “Specifically, from the East Oregonian Nationalists. Apparently, the Donald Junior Tactical Explosive Device they had purchased from us failed to detonate outside the gate of a National Guard installation near Pendleton. And yes, they were initially quite upset about that. However, we reached out to them and quickly assuaged their concerns. They’re now currently at the top of the waiting list for the new Ivanka Boosted Fission Weapon that’s due out in December. Just in time for Christmas!”
Initial product related hiccups or not, one thing is certainly undeniable: Trump Nuclear wants to make a huge impact on consumers that they say will translate into a true game-changer when it comes Mutually Assured Worldwide Destruction.
“We’ve all seen the power of the Trump name,” the spokesperson said. “Whether it is casinos, steaks, vodka, airlines, universities or any number of products whose stories exemplify the unparalleled level of business success of the Trump Organization throughout the years, we could think of no product more fitting to bring it all to a fantastic conclusion than a Trump Nuclear weapon.”
DETAILS AT ELEVEN.
BREAKING NEWS: Trump makes impromptu 2024 announcement as federal agents search his estate
Approximately 20 minutes after first receiving word that his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida was in the process of being searched by FBI agents pursuant to a court-executed search warrant, former President Donald Trump formally announced he was seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024.
Attempting to recapture the atmosphere of his original campaign announcement back in June 2015, Trump was seen once again descending down the golden escalator in his Manhattan office tower. A lone staffer stood behind him, holding up his phone upright and playing Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World” at maximum volume, until it was interrupted by a paid ad for eczema relief medication. Down at the base of the escalator, several employees of the Trump Ice Cream Parlor were marshalled out by Trump staff, who forcibly placed red “Make America Great Again” hats on their heads and instructed them to act as loyal supporters.
The former President took to a podium featuring a white cardboard placard with “Trump 2024” crudely written on it in black Sharpie marker. Wearing a white Trump National Golf Club Bedminster golf shirt featuring what appeared to be several prominent ketchup stains on it, staffers quickly placed a black blazer over Trump’s shoulders and a loosely knotted red necktie around his neck as he begun his speech.
“Today, at this moment, this very moment right now, exactly right now, I am announcing that I am once again seeking to become your President in order to make America great again,” Trump declared. “And of course, that means I am now officially by law and under threat of prosecution for treason exempt and immune from any sort of fake and phony law enforcement investigation of any kind, and that anyone wishing to conduct some ridiculous and baseless witch hunt must stop immediately.”
“I mean, as in right this very second,” he added to affect.
When one of the few members of the media who had managed to arrive at Trump Tower—given the short notice of the announcement—asked Trump as to what possible basis he had to make such a claim, the former President retorted that it was “in the Constitution” and that “a lot of people don’t know it’s in the Constitution, but it’s right there, right next to, you know, that other thing.”
One awkward moment occurred early on when Trump turned to acknowledge his family, only to realize that the only individual present was his younger daughter Tiffany, who appeared to have been brought on stage by Trump’s handlers without any prior knowledge or awareness as to why she was there.
“Oh, great, they brought f__g Tiffany, my least favorite kid,” the former President remarked, seemingly unaware that his comments were being captured by the microphone. “Tiffany. Great f__g job, guys. Really great. You couldn’t have tried a little harder to get someone in my family who actually f__g matters? Whatever. Let’s just get this done with, okay?”
It was later learned that Trump’s older daughter Ivanka was in Cayman Islands with her husband, Jared Kushner; eldest son Donald Trump, Jr. was reportedly vacationing in Culiacan, Mexico while his brother Eric was spending the week at Six Flags Great Adventure amusement park in nearby Jackson, New Jersey.
Reports say that Trump’s wife Melania could not make the announcement due to a previously scheduled conflict with her tennis pro lessons, and their son Barron simply expressed no interest in leaving his room to be at his father’s side for the event.
Expectedly, Trump’s speech was rather light on policy specifics, with one notable exception, as he expressed a desire to “defund the police.”
“But you know, just those ones,” Trump quickly added. “You know, the one’s down there now. Down there at Mar-a-Lago. Defund them. Like right now, okay? Time for them to go home. Time for them to go bye-bye.”
Trump also took time to attack potential GOP rivals for the 2024 nomination, although he appeared to struggle to come up with some of his patented nicknames that he frequently likes to give opponents.
“Let’s face it, I am the only one in the Republican Party who stands a chance to beat Old Sleepy Joe Biden in 2024,” the former President proclaimed. “Who else could they possibly get? Ron DeSantis? Ron…Ron…um…Ron...Ronny…Runny…Little Runny Ronny DeSantis? Give me a break.”
Despite the haphazard and impromptu nature of the announcement, Trump nonetheless managed to speak for roughly two and a half hours in rambling, scattershot fashion, covering a wide myriad of subjects such as gruesome and graphic descriptions of murders purportedly committed by undocumented immigrants, windmills, the “most beautiful” chocolate cake he served at Mar-a-Lago, why he would never enter a bicycle race, sex parties held on yachts owned by his late friend William Levitt, the “genius” of Vladimir Putin who once gave him a “most dazzling” soccer ball, windmills again, and the extreme hazards of walking down a 10 degree inclined ramp after addressing cadets at West Point.
Besides the announcement itself, the one other major surprise coming out of the former President’s speech was his proclamation that he had already chosen a running mate: his former Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.
Meadows was present at Trump’s announcement, although—much like Tiffany Trump—it appears he was procured there against his will and that he was not previously aware that the former President would be announcing his campaign that day or that he would be naming him as his running mate.
While the selection of a running mate typically does not occur until after a candidate has at least unofficially clinched his or her party’s nomination and around the time of the party’s convention, Trump said it was necessary to buck such traditions because of what he deemed “urgent circumstances.”
Specifically, Trump insisted without explanation that like Presidential candidates, Vice Presidential candidates are also immune from any and all prosecution. Furthermore, Trump claimed any and all conversations he has ever had--and will ever have--with Meadows are protected by what he termed as “Presidential-Vice Presidential privilege,” thus prohibiting Meadows from ever being compelled to testify against Trump under any circumstances.
“It’s right there in the Constitution,” Trump said.
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