So let me get this straight:

BREAKING NEWS: Trump claims Will Smith would have never hit Chris Rock if he were still President

Former President Donald J. Trump told a crowd of his supporters at a recent rally that actor Will Smith would not have rushed the stage and assaulted comedian Chris Rock at this year's Academy Awards ceremony after Rock made a joke at the expense of Jada Pinkett-Smith, Smith's wife.

"It really was a shame, truly a shame," Trump told his audience. "It's something that should never have happened. And if I were President, it would have never have happened. For sure. We would have never seen it happen, this horrible, terrible thing."

Trump did see fit, however, to further weigh in on the incident.

"I will tell you this, however," Trump said. "Will Smith is a smart guy. A real smart guy. And a strong guy, too. A strong guy and a tough guy. He's beaten the aliens. He's beaten the aliens multiple times. He beat them in that Men in Black thing, and he beat them in Independence Day, too. Which is another name for the Fourth of July. A lot of people don't know that the Fourth of July is also called Independence Day. It's sad, but it's the truth. Our kids--our kids are just not being taught that in our schools anymore. And it's a shame. Such a shame."

"He also was a boxer, once, in that Allie [sic] movie," Trump added. "So, yeah, a tough guy and a strong guy."

Trump was quick to identify the individual who he viewed as truly responsible for the Oscar fracas.

"Will Smith simply does not respect Joe Biden, and that's why he did what he did," Trump proclaimed. "He viewed him as weak and knew he would never get any sort of response back from Old Sleepy Joe. And so he ran up on stage and--bam!--punched The Rock right out. All over a joke. Such a shame. It's because we don't take jokes anymore. You know, when I was President, people took jokes. There were no fights. You heard a joke and you just took it, and that was that. It happened all the time for us. Men would come up to me, grown men, all with tears in their eyes, and they would tell me, 'Sir, you're a joke. Sir, your administration is a joke.' And you know what I would say in response? I would say, 'Thank you. Thank you.' Because it was all done with love. So much love. There was so much love back then, and now it's all gone. And what you're left with is just a mess. A huge, terrible mess."

Notably, the situation may have touched a personal nerve with the former President; during the 2011 White House Press Correspondence Dinner, then President Barack Obama made several jokes at the expense of Trump, who was in the audience. Many have speculated that the incident may have served as a motivator for his 2016 presidential run.

But Trump's focus, at least publicly, remained on more recent matters.

"What you saw at the Oscars only happened because we had an election that was stolen from us, from the American people," Trump declared to his supporters. "That's the only reason it happened, because we have a fraud of a President in the White House who did nothing to stop what happened to poor Jack Rock at the Oscars."

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

BREAKING NEWS: Frog stung by scorpion announces he still intends to vote for scorpion in 2024.

A local frog who helped a scorpion escape drowning has stated he still may consider voting for the scorpion should the scorpion ultimately run for President in 2024, despite the fact he suffered a deadly sting from that scorpion.

Earlier, the frog was swimming along the banks of a swollen river when he came across the scorpion, who was flailing in the water and had begun to sink into the river's fathomless depths. Although the scorpion had cried out to the frog for help, the frog was reluctant to assist on account of the long, poisonous stinger at the end of the scorpion's tail. It was only after the scorpion promised he would not plunge the stinger into the frog if the frog saved him from drowning that the frog agreed to render aid.

After the scorpion climbed onto the frog's back, the pair transversed the dangerous rapids of the river. Thankfully, the frog's expert swimming abilities proved key and the two were able to successfully navigate the waterway. But as the duo approached the opposite bank, the scorpion let loose his stinger, inflicting a deep and poisonous stab into the back of the frog.

Quite nonplussed about this dramatic betrayal, the frog implored to the scorpion why he chose to sting him after he had promised not to on condition of the safe passage.

The scorpion replied, "For it is simply in my very nature to do so, and who am I to oppose my own nature, after all?"

"Also, this frog was a terrible disappointment in every sense of the word," the scorpion added, before launching into a rambling, hour long nonsensible screed about voting machines in Michigan.

Meanwhile, the frog lay mortally wounded on the river bank, the scorpion's poison slowly coursing through his veins. The frog bemoaned the scorpion's duplicity and breach of his trust, but then added that should this scorpion run for President in 2024, he would not rule out supporting his candidacy.

"Because I believe that the greatest threat to the country is the progressive agenda being pushed by the Democratic Party,"--the frog noted to himself as he gasped through progressively shallower and shallower breaths--"it's inconceivable to me that I wouldn't vote for this poisonous, lying, murderous scorpion as the Republican nominee."

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.