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Gender: Female
Hometown: CA
Home country: usa
Current location: sierras
Member since: Wed Jan 23, 2008, 04:23 AM
Number of posts: 12,343

Journal Archives

Article: "The female price of male pleasure"

Lots of takeaways from this article, hard to pick three paragraphs...

"Why didn't she just get out of there as soon as she felt uncomfortable? many people explicitly or implicitly asked.
It's a rich question, and there are plenty of possible answers. But if you're asking in good faith, if you really want to think through why someone might have acted as she did, the most important one is this: Women are enculturated to be uncomfortable most of the time. And to ignore their discomfort.
This is so baked into our society I feel like we forget it's there. "


"The studies on this are few. A casual survey of forums where people discuss "bad sex" suggests that men tend to use the term to describe a passive partner or a boring experience. (Here's a very unscientific Twitter poll I did that found just that.) But when most women talk about "bad sex," they tend to mean coercion, or emotional discomfort or, even more commonly, physical pain. Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, and one of the forces behind the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, confirmed this. "When it comes to 'good sex,'" she told me, "women often mean without pain, men often mean they had orgasms."


"There might be other reasons. Maybe, for example, women fake orgasms because they'd hoped for some pleasure themselves. If it looks like that's not happening, they default to their training. And they've been taught a) to tolerate discomfort and b) to somehow find pleasure in the other party's pleasure if the social conditions require it."

My take:
It's not ALWAYS about sex...but sex is definitely a way for our cultural dominance norms to play out.
How often do we as women give in or do more than we are comfortable with because we have been conditioned to do so? How often have we been groomed by our mothers and society to "go along with it" because what WE want is irrelevant?
Maybe I am getting salty in my age, but I think we have a right to make our own needs come first...both in and out of the bedroom.!!!

Personal aside: I have a guy that I see somewhat regularly. It's not a Thing, it has definitely been more about the sex in the past...but I have seen a pattern recently and I am "fighting back" I guess you could say. (Mind you, I like this guy as a person, and have known him for years. He's always been a sweetheart and a hottie. I guess I've just changed my expectations)
He likes to start a conversation with me online, posting sexy pics, talking about how he's thinking about me, etc... and then the conversation eventually leads to a time when we can "hook up" ... In the past, even though anything graphic makes me uncomfortable, I have played along, and even gone out of my way to make arrangements so we can have an encounter.... But I have also noticed that we don't really go out, we don't really socialize as much as I'd like. (Does he have a GF and that's why he's not too hip on taking me out? Is he just that shallow? ) Every time I'd instigate a lunch date or something, he'd act into it, get all sexy-talk, and make me think we were "on" for said time/date... when the day came, he'd go AWOL. I knew he'd seen my texts/messages, but no reply and then plans would fall through. So I decided to do the same with his "sexy talk" he knows I've seen it...But I am not taking the bait until he actually takes me out to fucking dinner for a change! (lol...you want this pussy? maybe you should take it out to dinner first!!!)
I've got better things to do than dick around with someone who isn't into me for anything but their own gratification. I liked this guy cuz he was younger and it made me feel a little better about myself to have "made that conquest"... But I still found myself deferring to him, because as a female that's what we're conditioned to do.
What's funny is that I guess I just woke up recently to the fact that I *do* hold more personal power than that, and I'd rather be alone than just fucking around with someone for the sake of saying I've got someone to fuck. (Men don't get it that we can turn it "off" for months at a time, either...I'm not a slave to my libido)

so yea, there's my rant this morning... enjoy!
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