WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, the United States was unable to answer the question of how many wars it was currently taking part in. The White House, Pentagon, Department of Defense, Joint Chiefs of Staff, Department of State, Department of Homeland Security, NSA, CIA, Department of Agriculture, and every member of Congress gave different answers ranging from "zero" to "around 130" wars.

Some American individuals and entities could not even agree on the definition of "war." And those that could agree on a definition wanted to make a distinction between "proxy wars" and "war wars."

"Awesome. That bastard had it coming," said legal layman and Quincy, Massachusetts resident David Goliath. He was with a group of like-minded citizens at a local bar where they first heard about the death sentence.

Goliath was soon informed by a member of the press he would be waiting a little while for Tsarnaev's death sentence to be carried out, assuming it is not thrown out during the appeal process.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): The ghost of President Ronald Reagan is the preferred presidential candidate of Republican primary voters by double digits in nearly every poll. Nancy Reagan, the widow of the former president, told the press today political observers are wrong when they claim it is impossible for a ghost to be president.

"The ghost of my husband can run the country. All we need to do is find the right person to span the physical and spiritual worlds, and I believe I have found that person," stated the former first lady.

"The hell with it. Let me get all of my cards on the table. If I had control of the U.S. military today I would attack Iraq right now and we would be occupying it for a good long time," said Bush.

An unidentified member of the press asked Bush to confirm he was getting foreign policy advice from the likes of former President George W. Bush, his brother, and Paul Wolfowitz, the former deputy Pentagon chief who helped George W. Bush justify the 2003 war with Iraq.

"Yup. Sure am. My brother has some pretty good experience and Ole Wolfowitz is dying to take another crack at Iraq," stated Bush.

"The DoD is going to use one-fourth of its 2015 budget on mental health workers to descend upon Texas in the next few days, weeks, and probably months. Their mission will be to assess and treat what we believe is a mental health epidemic there," said Carter.

"Well, Senator Cruz (R-T.X.) and Congressman Gohmert (R-T.X.-01) keep asking if we are preparing to invade Texas and are encouraging people who believe Walmarts are being used as staging grounds," stated Carter.

"Well, I hope all your quizzes and tests aren't so darn hard," stated Palin, who smiled and blushed.

"They're not," replied a young boy at the front of the classroom.

"Well, aren't you a buncha smarties... And I just wantcha all to know how I am fighting for America and against Washington by telling Congress to prevent that socialist Obama from making peace with Iran," said Palin.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Wall Street informed America today there will be an "unavoidable crash" of the stock market in 2016. The nation's financial institutions were represented by Jamie Dimon - chairman, president, and chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase - during a late afternoon press conference.

"We feel pretty good about the 2016 crash and will make out like bandits again," said Dimon.

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (The Nil Admirari): A date between President Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia's King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud was cancelled at the last minute by King Salman. Friends of Saudi Arabia say Salman is more than a little jealous and very unhappy about how much time the United States is spending with Iran.

"The U.S. has been giving Iran so much more attention lately there seems to be so little left for Saudi Arabia," lamented King Salman. He shook his head before continuing, "And now I hear from our friends that the United States is spending even more time with Iran to fight ISIS in Iraq and Syria."

"The United States can chew gum and walk at the same time, and our relationship with Saudi Arabia is more important to us than ever. And to prove it I am sending Saudi Arabia another $1.5 million in aid and two dozen new F-15 jets," stated Obama.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): Mitt Romney shocked many political observers in late January when he announced he was not going to run for president in 2016. Now it appears Romney may have been blackmailed to stay out of the 2016 race by Republican rival and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who discovered Romney has 470 wives.

A leaked recording detailing a mid-January meeting between Romney and Bush shows there was a heated exchange between the two:
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JACKSON, W.Y. (The Nil Admirari): Former Vice President Dick Cheney announced today he was running for president and hoped to be the Republican nominee. Cheney said his presidency would strive "to complete the important work started by President George W. Bush and repair the damage President Obama has done."

A member of the press asked Cheney if he was concerned about most Americans having a negative opinion of him and his conduct while vice president.

"No," replied Cheney. He grunted before adding, "I think Americans will see I need broad authority to clean up the messes of two presidents who are so arrogant they cannot see how everything I did as vice president was correct in every way."