TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalCap's Very Legal & Very Cool Roundup of Every Dirtbag From Paul Manafort to Alex Acosta
Y'know, normally it's delightful news when a garbage person gets their comeuppance, and it's certainly fun watching the walls close in on Conman Don, but sometimes you remember he's still an utterly immoral shitsack wielding the powers of the Presidency, and you wonder, “Hey, you don't think he'd order a tactical strike on the FBI just to save his own ass...do you?” This is not the correct week to quit sniffing glue, is what I'm saying.
(And yeah, if you wanna read this post with all those helpful news links, click on over to Cap's humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/caps-very-legal-very-cool-roundup-of-every-dirtbag-from-paul-manafort-to-alex-acosta/)
Word on the street is, Paul Manafort may be even more #Manafucked that we thought. A story in the Guardian claims Precocious Paul used to swing by the Ecuadorian embassy in London to visit his pal Julian Assange, bringing him root beer and porno mags, and maybe plotting some secret treasonous collusion/assorted acts of naughtiness together. Even during the 2016 campaign. Oh myyyyyyyy.
Now, nobody else has this story at the moment, and of course Paul n’ Julie deny it, so maybe it's true and maybe it's not. Only the Bobadook knows for sure.
But we also learned that Paulie's lawyers have been passing info on their talks with the Mueller investigation on to the Clowncar Full of Rectums Trump calls his legal team. This has naturally led to speculation that Boss Shart and his onetime campaign chair may have been coordinating their bullshit answers, in which case RUH ROH cuz if Manafort's been caught lying to Team Bob, and you were copying his homework...let's just leave it at RUH ROH for now.
And now the Mueller crew is talking about a shiny new trial on shiny new charges, plus retrying the hung jury stuff from Paul's earlier trial. Y'know, between this an the ostrich jacket, I'm starting to conclude that this Manafort fellow isn't especially bright.
I guess Departed Master Grifter Scott Pruitt used to get the questions in advance before he'd do interviews on Fux n’ Fiends? Jesus Christ, man, can't you even regurgitate propaganda on state TV without training wheels? Maybe the soundproof proof wasn't for jacking off after all, but for weeping in shame. Fux Nooz is said to be disciplining the employees involved, possibly by forcing them to watch Judge Jeanine.
DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, apparently aspiring to a legacy as one of American history's great monsters, tried justifying the government's tear-gassing of human children by spinning some completely baseless horseshit about the sinister “organizers” of the dastardly caravan using women and kids as “human shields.” I'd like to thank Kirstjen for helping me understand the phrase, “the banality of evil.” The casual ease with which she dehumanizes refugees is breathtaking, and horrifying.
Well, the Senate White Supremacist Dipshit Caucus remains intact, as Cindy Hyde-Smith won the runoff in Mississippi against Mike Espy. I know it's disappointing, friends, but if we're coming within 8 points in races like this, we've got many beautiful, sun-drenched, butterfly-filled, fields of winning yet to frolic through in the coming years. And Mike's already filed for re-match in 2020.
I'm frankly surprised I even got a blog up tonight, cuz laughing at Jerome Corsi is practically a full-time job these days. Like, imagine being in serious, super-real, potentially-dying-in-prison, legal jeopardy and turning to Larry Klayman for help. Just imagine it. My theory is, when you spend your life peddling ridiculous conspiracy theories to rubes, eventually you come to believe that everyone alive is exactly as dumb and gullible as your audience.
The Hairplug That Ate Decency, reeling from the news that his Stupid Trade War caused layoffs at GM, figured that rather than developing new policies that would actually help the American automotive industry instead of curb-stomping it (which would probably require reading and work, EW!), he'd just pout and moan and make some threats about cutting off GM's subsidies. There are, it should almost go without saying, no subsidies for him to cut off. Because he is a stupid, stupid, man.
The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits, who doesn't understand NATO or trade deficits or umbrellas, says he's too smart to believe in climate change. I think that one stands on its own without further comment.
This week in News So Gross It'll Make You Want to Boil Your Eyeballs for Reading It, the Miami Herald revealed that Labor Secretary Alex Acosta, in his younger days as a federal prosecutor, abused his post to let mega-rich hedge fund dirtbag Jeffrey Epstein off the hook for his many crimes, and ok, rich, connected dudes get away with shit all the time.
...but in Epstein's case, we're talking about a dude who sexually abused and trafficked god knows how many underaged girls. A scumfuck of the vilest imaginable sort, and Acosta gave him a slap on the wrist, protecting him from future legal troubles for good measure. Who's the bigger monster? The monster, or the man who enables the monstrousness?
(Say, why isn't the pizzagate crowd up in arms about a Trump cabinet member shielding an actual, real-life, child sex trafficker from justice?)
Now, Team Shart has done some self-righteous harrumphing about how this story means Acosta is now out of the running for the Attorney General gig, but WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SHITSTAIN STILL IN THE CABINET AT ALL? Alex Acosta shouldn't be able to walk around in public without decent people pelting him with feces. But he gets to be one of the most powerful people in the country, COOL.
State-level RepubliJags in North Carolina, Michigan, and Wisconsin are reacting to the public's overwhelming rejection of them and their shitty agenda by attempting to ram their most extreme fuckery through in lame-duck sessions, because why should a silly little thing like the will of the people interfere with their plans to transform their states into Brownbackistanian hellscapes? So it's a voter ID law in NC, and stripping the powers of incoming Dem governors in Wisco and Michigan. Watching one of America's major political parties abandon democracy is not, I confess, among my favorite things.
So, I guess we've got the money to send President Bloated Shitmaggot golfing twice a week, but the VA tried to get away with underpaying GI Bill benefits to our veterans? They backed down once their shitbaggery earned a big fat fuckin’ spotlight, just the latest reason to give enormous praise and thanks to our free press.
Princess Ivanka insisted that her private e-mail scandal is super duper different than Hillary Clinton's private e-mail scandal, largely because, and I quote, “I'm the President's daughter AND he wants to fuck me, good luck holding me accountable for anything, bitches!”
Massive, earth-shaking, tidal-wave-from-the-east-while-Godzilla-stomps-in-from-the-west trouble in Trumpland this week, with the news that Michael Cohen has entered into a plea agreement with Mueller & co., confessing to lying to Congress about Boss Treasonweasel's ongoing negotiations with th’Russians during the 2016 campaign. The Sensei of Sez-Hoo is basically just wandering around these days, accosting random strangers on the street, offering to plead guilty to various high crimes in exchange for cigarettes and chewing gum.
I particularly enjoyed the detail where the Swiss Family Robinshart figured they'd sweeten the pot for Uncle Putin by offering him the $50 million penthouse free of charge! It's ok, folks...it's just the future President of the United States trying to bribe the leader of a hostile foreign power at the exact moment said hostile foreign power was actively carrying out an attack on our country.
Now Vlad, if you're readin', I don't have a penthouse to offer, but if you ever wanna crash on my couch, you are most welcome. I will probably dump the contents of the litter box on you while you sleep, but help yourself to anything in the fridge. Except the beer, of course. Help yourself to the ham cubes and expired ranch, is what I'm saying.
In light of Cohen's plea, it sure does look like Individual One's Individual Son lied to Congress too. And now the pundit class is left to wonder, “Will the President risk obstruction of justice charges to pardon a kid he never loved?”
So a couple of joints with heavy links to Baron Golfin von Fatfuk's finances got raided Thursday morning; Celebrity Money Launderer Deutsche Bank, and Chicago Alderman Ed Burke, who handled Fat Q*Bert's local taxes for 12 years. Now, these raids coming the same week as all the Manafort and Cohen shit honestly might be mere coincidence, but you know Wee Don's terrified the Feds'll find his private safe deposti box at DB, filled, no doubt, with money laundering receipts and kiddie porn.
This couldn't have come at a worse time for Strawberry Shartcake, who had to fly to Argentina for one of those periodic instances of Presidenting Work That He Can't Find a Way to Pawn Off on Mike Pants. He was so sulky, he even canceled a scheduled meeting with his Russian handler, probably worried Vlad flipped on him too, and would be wearing a wire for Mueller.
Goddammit, I was already busy laughing at Jerome Corsi, and now I have to laugh at Rage-Fueled Play-Ruiner Laura Loomer, too? Loomer, who has perhaps the worst value system in all human history (she seems to care mostly about internet celebrity and...hatred) handcuffed herself to the door of Twitter headquarters, protesting the Holocausting of Laura Loomer Who Was Kicked Off the Tweety Machine For Tons and Tons of Hate Speech. As you can see, this will require ample giggling/chuckling time. When will I sleep?
Seems like the recent congressional election in NC-09 has been tainted by shenanigans! Does “Pastor” Mark Harris have vote fraudsters on the payroll? Did he steal his primary against the GOP incumbent? I dunno, but shit looks shady AF, and the bipartisan NC Board of Elections unanimously voted to hold off on certifying the results pending an investigation. Stay tuned!
The Marmalade Shartcannon is making pathetic little squeaky noises about shutting down the government if he doesn't get money for the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants, and Democrats are giddily holding that door open, daring him to walk to through it. Old man, you JUST got your ass beat in an election you tried to make about racist fear-mongering. If you insist on continuing to punch yourself in the dick, at least let us buy you some brass knux.
Speaking of punching one's self in one's own dick, Cowboy Ryan Zinke figured now was a good time to pick a stupid fight with the incoming chair of the House committee that will soon be looking into his various crimes n’ abuses. Accusations of wasting taxpayer money are a particularly bad call on Ryan's part, methinks.
A little bit of good news, as a couple of Senate Republicans joined with the entire Dem caucus to torpedo the nomination of Vote-Suppressin’ Jesse Helms Protege Thomas Farr to a lifetime federal judgeship. It's rare and really sort of refreshing to actually find a boundary to the madness, isn't it? Like, maybe it won't come to labor camps and soylent green factories after all?
(By the way, Jeff Flake finally exercising his power as a United States Senator now that he's halfway out the door is the most Jeff Flake thing ever.)
We know Dolt45 is consumed by a burning jealousy of his predecessor, who is admired, intelligent, and in possession of normal man-sized hands and doesn't have to call General Kelly into the Oval Office every time he needs a jar opened. Well, congrats, kid! We've found the rare metric where you're outdoing Obama! The number of American children without health insurance went up for the first time in a decade! Nice work, champ!
Hey, while we're here, don't forget to spread the word that the Obamacare open enrollment period is right fuckin’ now! Sign-ups are down, because the Shart Administration slashed the outreach budget, since they don't actually want the American people to be healthy, which I think is kinda weird. Anyhow, please use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!
I see down at the G20, Shinzo Abe complimented Dorito Mussolini on his “historic victory” in the midterms, and I blushed so hard at how easy is it to manipulate our President with flattery, I look like Sebastian the Crab now.
Speaking of that “historic victory,” did you see the House popular vote total for Dem candidates blasted past 60 million? Folks, Shartolo Colon only got 62,984,828 votes in 2016. Let's just say that “between a Blue Wave and the Mueller investigation” is the new "rock and a hard place.”
Maybe Abe could also congratulate him on his “victory” in court, where a federal judge smacked down dearly-departed AG Jeff Sessions’ hateful attempt to strip sanctuary cities of federal funding. Shit, go to town Shinzo, congratulate him on his approval ratings, and how good he is at tying neckties.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders whined about how the Mueller investigation is undermining our relationship with Russia, WHICH IS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT YOU CUD-BRAINED TRAITOR!!! We don't WANT to be a wholly-owned subsidiary of a fourth-rate autocratic oil company masquerading as a nation. IT'S AN INVESTIGATION INTO A RUSSIAN ATTACK ON OUR COUNTRY! REMEMBER?
I see Fraudulent Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker was a little less than honest during his vetting with DoJ. Oh, and he also criticized Shartleby the Scrivener in some old interviews. Guess which one is more likely to get him in trouble with his current boss?
A government watchdog found that six different Shart House employees violated the Hatch Act! I love the charm of Hatch Act violations. Amidst all the corruption and treason, they're so cute. Of course, I also imagine the torch-wielding mobs led by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell if there had been a half-dozen simultaneous Hatch Act violations under Obama, and that makes me smile, too. A drunken, demented, lopsided, smirk.
Christ, that was a long one! What a week! I blew through my whole six pack an hour ago, and I've started in on the Listerine. If anything else happens tonight, you're on your own, Shower Captives.
The Blue Wave Got So Big, it Washed Away Paul Manafort's Brains!
Hey folks, it's been a spell, hasn't it? Did you miss me while you were overdosing on stuffing and cranberry sauce? Did you even think of me as you trampled your fellow human beings beneath your feet in a blood-crazed frenzy to save 80 bucks on a television? Anyway, I'm back, baby! Let's catch up on the madness.
(As always, ya can find this post, with allllllll those links you luv, at my site: http://showercapblog.com/the-blue-wave-got-so-big-it-washed-away-paul-manaforts-brains/)
I trust you enjoyed your Thanksgiving more than the thousands of troops deployed to the southern border in Government Cheese Goebbels’ desperate, pathetic, and I must add totally failed, campaign stunt. Confronted about how his selfish abuse of his commander-in-chief powers kept so many American soldiers away from their families during the holidays, he dismissed the criticism before slinking away for a long weekend of golf, surrounded by the uber-wealthy sycophants who purchase access via Marm-a-Lago memberships, because he's such a “populist.”
Worried that he wasn't bringing enough shame on the United States, President Crotchrot used the full powers of his pulpit to belch up Saudi propaganda more or less verbatim, dismissing the finding of his own intelligence community and refusing to offer the slightest condemnation of MBS for that thing where he brutally murdered a critical journalist and then lied about it until he got caught.
What's extra embarrassing here is just how cheaply our President has been bought. Just make a vague statement about how you'll maybe make a big ol’ arms purchase some day, and he'll accommodate your every travesty! You don't even need to put anything in writing, as Kim Jong-un will tell you.
We also learned that the Fascist Farthuffer tried to get the Department of Justice to prosecute Hillary Clinton and James Comey for the high crime of Oh Who Cares Just Make Something Up What Good is Being President if You Can't Just Throw People in Jail For No Reason This Gig Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be. Fortunately, he failed in this effort, because he is a loser and a failure who fails at nearly everything he tries.
I confess I've developed a sort of perverse admiration for Cowboy Ryan Zinke; more than perhaps any other politician, he adapted quickly and efficiently to new realities of Trumpism. He grifts like a David Mamet character, he tosses out utterly baseless conspiracy theories like cheap-ass bulk candy, and just as everything finally catches up to him, he's merrily negotiating his transition to a high-paying media gig. He's a real asshole, but I tip my cap.
Scam Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General, God Help Us Matt Whitaker was finally coerced into releasing his frequently-amended financial disclosure forms, as mandated by law. Matty is a cheap political hack who has been made fabulously wealthy by anonymous conservative donors, and now he's running the whole dang Justice Department, NEAT.
By the time you read this, Little George Papaderpaderp will be in jail. He will not pass Go, he will not collect 200 Rubles. He will be locked up, for he is a criminal, convicted and confessed. In his honor, go out for a big fat steak dinner tonight; you can do that, because unlike Georgie, you are not in jail. In Paul Manafort's honor, top it off with a giant fuckin’ slice of Key Lime pie.
Seems like we learn new details about Cindy Hyde-Smith's hyper-racist past every hour on the hour. Past? Who'm I kidding? This is Cindy's past, present, and future. And it's Mississippi, so it'll probably work out. Even though she can't seem to remember her own name without consulting her notes first.
So now everybody who ever gave Cindy money, at any point in her life, wants that money back. Google Wal-Mart. Major League Baseball. Her childhood neighbors, who bought little Dixie cups full of Kool-Aid from her (whites only) lemonade stand as a little girl are now demanding refunds.
Seriously though, have you noticed that in these sorta-but-not-really competitive red state Senate races, Democrats have fielded calm, rational, hyper-qualified public servants (Espy, Heitkamp, Bredesen) only to lose to the raving, clearly incompetent, hate-fueled, maniacs (Hyde-Smith, Cramer, Blackburn) that the GOP base is drawn to these days? Whole lotta economic anxiety in these states, is all I'm sayin’.
Over the holiday weekend, everybody was buzzing over Roberts v Trump: not a Supreme Court case, but a DEATH MATCH INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! See, Roberts likes an at least nominally independent judiciary, but Smallhands Magoo wants the courts to crown him king and wipe his ass and thank him for the privilege.
Anyway, fuck you Donnie, for making me take John Roberts’ side in a fight. I feel dirty.
At the same time, the Bonespur Buttplug went a-knockin’ on the Supreme Court's door, whining “Please please PLEASE ignore all the stuff in the Constitution about rights n’ shit, and let me ban transgender troops from the military I'm too cowardly visit in combat zones, PRETTY PLEASE WITH KETCHUP ON TOP.” He did bring a six-pack of Natty Light to grease the skids with Brett Kavanaugh, so we'll see how this turns out.
Since I haven't posted in a week, all the good romaine lettuce recall gags have been taken, but the REAL joke, as always these days, is on the American people, who are facing an E. Coli outbreak largely because the pudding-brained fucksticks in power thought that an FDA regulation requiring that farmers test their water to make sure it isn't SPREADING FUCKING DISEASES ALL AROUND THE FUCKING WORLD was too restrictive or some shit. Anyway, it all worked out to be much more dangerous, and expensive, so nice work, geniuses.
So I see Mass-Sexual-Harassment-n’-Abuse Enabler BIll Shine is drawing a fat severance paycheck from Fux Nooz while also pocketing a taxpayer salary to lie to us. Sure. Why not? Par for the course, here in Shitty Wonderland.
The Shart Administration tried to bury a massive new climate report on Black Friday, but I guess they forgot about how their Nonstop Fuckery Machine has turned millions and millions of Americans into full-time activists. We can make leftover turkey-and-yam-casserole sandwiches AND read about the devastating effects of climate change AND save 15% on Ninja Turtle sweatpants on Amazon at the same goddamn time, and WE SEE YOU, ASSHOLES. Nice try.
So, RogerStoneFriend/Frothy Conspiracy Loon Jerome Corsi says Bodacious Bob Mueller offered him a plea deal, but he won't take it, cuz he'd rather die in jail! Folks, I sincerely hope this boy's Xmas wish comes true.
Russia's fucking around with Ukraine again, capturing ships and blocking ports, all while taunting America over their role in installing an impotent lummox in our Oval Office. One of the strangest things about Cult45 is how they see the most mocked, least feared/respected President in history as somehow “strong.”
Admit it though...if you had your very own Pet President of the United States, you'd think about expanding your borders, too. There's a little movie theatre down the street from me, and if I get ahold of a copy of the Pee Tape, I might just walk right in, flanked by Secret Service agents, and declare myself King.
Earlier in the year, I remember reading that some Americans felt deep shame that the United States didn't qualify for the World Cup. I confess that didn't really move me one way or another. Now, watching American law enforcement lobbing tear gas at children? Yeah, I'm ashamed of my country now. Ashamed and disgusted and boiling with rage.
And of course, having long since surrendered every last shred of their decency to their Turdpile Emperor, we get to watch the entire institutional GOP trip over themselves to justify this inhumanity. In one short week, we've seen Republican officials crawl through raw sewage to find the scummiest possible excuses to support the brutal murder of a journalist, the unapologetic racism of a southern Senator, and now TEAR-GASSING LITTLE KIDS. And still, you could bet your life savings on Chuck Todd both-sidesing the shit out of ALL OF IT.
Folks, there's no "both sides" here. There's no middle ground. “Should we fire tear gas at children?” is an extremely low-level morality test, and I for one refuse to treat it as something that decent folks can civilly agree to disagree on. If you respond to this shit with anything other than horror, revulsion, and sadness...you're broken. The end. Ask God for a refund on your soul.
Credit's due where credit's due, and I have to congratulate Sharty McFly on his latest triumph in the Big Dumb Trade War. Yes, he has achieved a stunning victory over the working class in the Rust Belt, as General Motors, stung by a billion-dollar crotch-punt brought on by his dumbass aluminum and steel tariffs, announced multiple plant closings and thousands of layoffs. Trade Wars ARE easy to win, Don...the trouble is, you're waging war on YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY.
Mia Love, who is awful, and lost her reelection campaign because she is so awful, gave a speech yelling at Boss Shart for being awful in showy, public, ways instead of the sneaky, quiet, ways which are the accepted Republican tradition. Hey, if Trump and his dirtbag congressional enablers wanna fling shit at one another, I'm just gonna set up some bleachers and a concession stand so we can all watch, ‘kay?
Now Tangerine Idi Amin is making some noise about wanting an official state media outlet to sing his praises and inflate his golf scores. I'm sure the genius who failed at everything from steaks to casinos and somehow managed to pass a tax cut that nobody likes* will pull that off without a hitch. The prime-time block of Stephen Miller glowering straight at the camera while ranting about immigrants promises to be a ratings bonanza.
Here's a fun little article about how the Shart House is completely unprepared and understaffed for the coming onslaught of investigations from the newly-elected Democratic House majority. It's practically pornographic. I for one can't wait to watch Adam Schiff Riverdance all over Fat Q*Bert's ass.
Big congrats to NASA, who successfully landed their InSight probe ON THE SURFACE OF MOTHERFUCKING MARS, Y’ALL. The rest of us are trapped here with Melania's nightmarish Xmas hellscape. Jeeeeeesus. You expect to find Eric writing “REDRUM” on the walls in lipstick, don'tcha?
What's this now? Seems Precocious Paul Manafort likes jail so much, he's determined to stay there forever! This dumb fuck has apparently been lying to the Mueller investigation, in violation of his plea agreement, so The Bobadook has taken sentencing leniency off the table. You better hope that package under the tree is a Big Fat Presidential Pardon, kid...but it looks like socks n’ underpants to me.
Well, we're basically caught up, except for the GOOD NEWS, that is! The Blue Wave keeps getting bigger n’ bigger, with the vote landing in genuinely historic territory, and we may end up with a nice, even, 40 seat swing in the House! Donnie Dotard's numbers are moving in the other direction, hard and fast. Oh, and a certain Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to work after a short absence, juggling bowling balls on the way to the bench, just to prove she can.
And us? You n’ me? We're right back where we belong, Shower Captives...IN THE FIGHT.
*Fuckin’ Hercules couldn't pull that shit off.
Thanksgiving Celebrations Marred as Princess Ivanka Commits the Greatest Crime of All (Ferret/SC)
In this season of Thanksgiving, let me express my gratitude for the Great Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, and everyone who made it possible. And for beer, of course. And um...the Doobie Brothers are pretty cool, I guess. Enough schmaltzy shit, let's do the news.
As always, this post originates on Cap's humble blog site. Click here for the post will all those links you love: http://showercapblog.com/thanksgiving-celebrations-marred-as-princess-ivanka-commits-the-greatest-crime-of-all/
Let's kick things off by reporting on a presidential injury. Yes, Orange Julius Caesar received treatment for a sprained wrist, sustained when he high-fived himself too hard for referring to Congressman Adam Schiff as, and move over Bill Murray, ”Adam Schitt.” Basically, America took the fourteenth cleverest kid on the elementary school playground, and gave him nuclear codes. Neat.
Still, I'm confident Congressman Schiff will have not only the last laugh, but the last seventy or eighty laughs, drawn out over god knows how many televised hearings over the next couple years. Call Adam whatever you like, Fuck-o, you'll be calling the gavel of the House Intelligence Committee “Mjolnir” before he's done with ya.
What can I say about the Finland/raking thing that hasn't already been said? Because he is a malicious nitwit who lies incessantly, even about things that don't matter, the Velveeta Vulgarian decided to blame the massive California wildfires on...fuck, I don't know, “forest raking” or some shit? Dumb fuck even reached all the way up his own ass to fabricate a phony conversation with the President of Finland. About raking. Good lord.
And why? Because in the midst of a tragedy that's already killed dozens, with hundreds more missing, he's got this perverse need to find some reason, any reason, to blame everything on people who didn't vote for him. It's the mendacity, the vindictiveness, and the insecurity all rolled up into one perfectly Trumpian package.
Anyway, every man, woman, and child in Finland is openly mocking America with rake jokes now. I feel shame. What next? A kick-me sign, taped to the President's back by the Latvian ambassador? Maybe Rodrigo Duterte offers him a can of peanuts, but a springy snake pops out instead?
In the olden days, political parties would present policy proposals to potential voters, solutions to their problems, in bids to earn their support. Well, the GOP isn't real big on solutions these days, so they've decided to offer up enemies instead.
And we have a new Public Enemy Number One this week in...Admiral William McRaven? Yeah, okay, maybe he served his country for decades, and commanded the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, but he criticized the Bonespur Buttplug for his fascist attacks on the free press, so he gets to be center square in the Two Minutes Hate for a bit.
...that was too much, wasn't it? Trying to mash up a 1984 joke with a Hollywood Squares joke? Hubris, Cap...hubris.
Anyway, the sudden focus on on McRaven stems from an interview with Fox's Chris Wallace, in which the Marmalade Shartcannon seemed fiercely determined to prove that that his Finland/rake comments weren't some outlier masking an otherwise fierce (or even functional) intellect.
Highlights included the deadbeat who goes on weekly taxpayer-funded golf vacations claiming he's just too goshdarned busy to visit the troops risking their lives daily in war zones overseas, and that he's too frightened to listen to the audio recording of Jamal Khashoggi's brutal murder, because he is a great big whiny wuss. He also said something about how it's obscene the way Donald Duck doesn't wear pants. Probably.
Two stories out of Ohio in recent days, both too ridiculous for me to improve upon with satiric exaggeration; one amusing, one horrifying. Let's see if you can tell which is which:
1. Rumor has it that the Cleveland Browns, a professional football team, want to interview former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for their head coaching job!
2. The ridiculously-gerrymandered Ohio state legislature is considering an anti-choice bill so extreme, a woman getting an abortion could be punished with the death penalty!
Oh, that zany Ohio.
So the Shart House briefly threatened to immediately re-suspend Jim Acosta's press pass once a 14-day restraining order expired, so CNN said, “Whatever, brah, we'll just sue your fascist asses all over again,” and the wannabe-authoritarians backed down yet again, because they are puny 98-pound weaklings, and the first amendment kicked sand right in their sniveling wimp faces.
...but Sarah Slanders used the opportunity to attempt to impose some new rules on the White House press corps. Now reporters are forbidden to ask follow-up questions, plus they all have to solve a Rubik’s Cube, do the truffle shuffle, and chant, “klaatu barada nikto” before entering the briefing room. Losing in court is like a drug to these fuckers, they just can't give it up.
A trio of Dem Senators are suing the the Assclown Brigade over the unconstitutional appointment of Pudding-Brained Hot Tub Spokesgoon Matthew Whitaker as acting attorney general. I won't pretend I understand the merits of the case, but maybe hold off on installing the Scott Pruitt Soundproof Wank Booth in your office, Matty.
Congratulations to the emotionally-stunted man-children in the “Proud Boys!” You've now been officially designated an “extremist group with ties to white nationalism” by the FBI! I'm sure you'll enjoy the heightened scrutiny from law enforcement agencies, as well as the complimentary gift basket, which includes soaps and other grooming products, cuz y’all have clearly been neglecting personal hygiene during your ill-attended stormtrooper LARP parties.
Maybe the stench was the reason your pathetic contingent couldn't hail a cab after your lil’ "rally” in Philadelphia? Or maybe it's just that everybody hates Nazis. Let the shunning commence, says I. Don't sell these losers Girl Scout cookies or ballpark franks or craft beer. Let them eat MyPillows.
If you're looking for a little schadenfreude to pour over the Thanksgiving mashed potatoes like gravy, how about the news that Neurosurgeon/HUD Secretary/Blithering Idiot Ben Carson is having a Detroit high school un-named after him? In a related move, the school will no longer be using the gymnasium to store grain.
...and if you want that schadenfreude to turn sour and morph into deep existential dread, give this Washington Post article, on the way fake news is spread and consumed, a quick spin. You get up close n’ personal with a woman so thoroughly brainwashed by the right-wing screechosphere that she unquestioningly believes even “stories” that originate on satirical sites designed to embarrass gullible conservatives. Even when the author of the piece straight up tells her it's a fabrication. Creepy shit.
Did you read it? Yeah. If you need to go get a hug, or cry for a bit, I'll still be here. Drinking. Heavily.
Just to drive that article's point home though, have you seen the totally-fabricated meme about Representative-elect Ilhan Omar, one of the first Muslim women elected to Congress, making the rounds on the right? How detached from reality do you have to be to believe that someone running for the House off Representatives would say "I think all white men should be put in chains as slaves because they will never submit to Islam?” Shit, these folks are so well-trained to hate the left, they'd believe anything, no matter how ridiculous, maybe even up to a conspiracy that the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza shop.
...nah, that's just too far-fetched.
Well, you can take the yellow ribbon down off the old oak tree, because the troops are finally coming home! ...from the southern border, where they were deployed, at massive expense, as a desperate last-minute campaign stunt designed to stoke the fears of the oh-so-easily-manipulated GOP base. A three hour motion picture epic depicting life on the caravan non-front, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Shia LaBeouf, will debut in theatres next fall.
Princess Ivanka violated federal records rules by conducting official government business from a personal e-mail account. In accordance with established standards, she will now be hounded by Republican investigators for the rest of her days, starting with Trey Gowdy dressing up like Jacob Marley and rattling his chains outside her bedroom window for the remainder of the holiday season.
Surely Weehands McNodick will disown his daughter for this gravest of crimes. Ethical consistency is pretty much the entire Trump brand.
Ok, that's all got tonight. In theory, the news will slow down over the holiday, so we may not see each other until next week, Shower Captives. Or maybe we nuke Finland on Wednesday over the rake thing. I'm playing it by ear.
Acosta Rides Again! Plus, I Think Jar-Jar's New Friend Ordered a Murder. (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I know asking y’all to stick around for my deliberately-overlong blog post is particularly challenging this week, because everyone is plum tuckered out by all the WINNING. But shit is marginally less cray this week, and tempered by plenty of good news, so curl up with a glass of wine, or beer, or bath salts, and let's wade through the madness together, shall we?
(You know this by now, BUT this post is available, with all relevant news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/acosta-rides-again-plus-i-think-jar-jars-new-friend-ordered-a-murder/)
Yes, the results of the Big Beautiful Blue Wave keep rolling in, with news of fresh pickups breaking every few hours. Democrat Katie Hobbs will be the new Secretary of State in the suddenly-enticing potential 2020 swing state of Arizona! Katie Porter, Andy Kim, and Jared Golden all got in on the House-majority-flipping fun, and I do believe we've still got a bit more winning yet to look forward to!
Y'know who hasn't been enjoying the winning? The Velveeta Vulgarian, that's who! Seems like every major media organization had its own version of the Wee Don Got All Pissy Because He Lost So Bad and He Knows He's Good n’ Righteously Fucked When the New Congress Takes Over So He Sulked and He Didn't Want to Honor the Dumb Ol’ Troops in France Anyway piece. Anyway, isn't it neat to have a chief executive who neglects his duties, jeopardizing important international relationships, just cuz he doesn't WANNA do President stuff some days?
And now wants to fire everybody. Or at least, make John Kelly fire everybody, because of course he remains an enormous coward. I guess Kirstjen Nielsen is on the way out, for not being quite evil enough? Who will replace her, a Monster from Stephen Miller's ID?
General Kelly certainly has his hands full, what with firing half the executive branch, plus overseeing the Manchurian Manchild's “Policy Time.” Policy Time appeared to translate roughly as “forcing the President, against his will, to learn things about issues n’ stuff,” and I'm sure it's purely coincidental that it shares initials with “potty training.”
So I guess Melania has the power to get high-ranking national security officials fired now? Now, I'm not gonna shed any tears for the loss of some twit approved by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip, but I'll say that if I were an Independence Day-esque alien race looking for a moment of weakness to launch an invasion, I'd be feelin’ mighty optimistic.
I've honestly lost track of all the stories about Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker's long history of grifting, incompetence, and hackery. Are we sure this is an actual human being, and not a Tom Waits lyric come to life?
So, Betsy DeVos wants to give those accused of sexual assault on college campuses the right to cross-examine their accusers. I mention this because it might just be the single worst idea yet to come out of the Assclown Cabal running our country* and that is no small feat. Did I mention that Betsy, who owns more yachts than I own pairs of shoes, is burning through millions of taxpayer dollars funding the security detail she demanded because some peasants tried to talk to her once?
Retiring Senator/Wind-Up Eeyore Doll Jeff Flake went on a feeble rampage, insisting he would refuse to vote for any of President Crotchrot's judicial nominees until a bill protecting the Mueller investigation was given a vote on the Senate floor, by gum! Because he is Jeff Flake, Mitch McConnell completely ignored him, no other Republicans joined his crusade, and he wound up sitting alone in the back of the lunchroom, listlessly playing with his mashed potatoes, his trademark hangdog look freezing in place, possibly permanently.
Just to tend to my self-appointed duty as chronicler of this day-to-day shitshow for the benefit of future generations and/or alien anthropologists, I must report that the President of the United States is under the impression that an ID is required for the purchasing of cereal. Hey, we can't allow our precious loops and charms and crunchberries to fall into the hands of just anyone, y’know! If there's one thing commercials have taught me, it's that these products are constantly pursued by all sorts of unscrupulous characters.
In the same interview, Shart Garfunkel posited that it wasn't widespread hatred of his loathsome and corrupt regime that drove the GOP's midterm spanking, but rather voter fraud, perpetrated by devious disguised Democrats, who would put on hats and fake mustaches, and I dunno, probably bathrobes and luchador masks, so they could vote more than once. Hey, why admit defeat when it's easier to just undermine democracy?
So, lemme see if I've got this one straight...because Team Treasonweasel is desperate to cover up their Saudi prince pal's role in the horrific murder of a critical journalist, they're trying to figure out some way to gift-wrap an exiled Turkish cleric, and send him back home so Erdogan can murder HIM, so that Turkey will stop nagging Saudi Arabia about THEIR murder. So we're conducting international diplomacy by playing Secret Santa; Homicide Edition now. Cool. Hey, far be it from me to intrude, but maybe start by sending a Hickory Farms basket, and if that doesn't do the trick, maybe THEN you can escalate to facilitating the slaughter of political foes?
Today we also learned the CIA has determined that yuh huh MBS sure did order the assassination, but Donnie Two-Scoops doesn't want to believe them, because young Jared has such a difficult time making friends, and the Prince is more than happy to put in a couple of MarioKart races with Jar-Jar if it means manipulating the government of the United States of America for his own ends.
Spare a dirge for the rank-and-file staff over at the National Rifle Association, who will now be forced to hunt and kill their own coffee, because their floundering, despised, bosses can no longer afford to provide it. We've replaced these death merchants’ Folgers Crystals with the blood of senselessly slaughtered children...let's see if they notice the difference!
Up-and-Coming Stand-Up Comic/Distressingly, Actual United States Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, already famous for her hilarious bit on lynching, debuted some new material this week, riffing about the awesomeness of voter suppression! I can't wait to see her tight five on concentration camps!
A court ordered the Shart Administration to give Jim Acosta his “hard pass”** back, and to say they're sorry for taking a big fat dump on the Constitution and also they have to take Jim out for ice cream and a pedicure plus Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has to wear a weasel suit at the next press briefing. Anyhow, yeah, we needed the courts to thwart our goon administration's ham-fisted attempt to pick and choose who gets to ask them questions, and that, my friends, is decidedly not bangarang.
Looks like Julian Assange has not mom's classic tuna and bow tie pasta casserole waiting for him should he ever poke his ratty little face outside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, but criminal charges! I imagine Julian will be sticking to his new hygiene rules a little more attentively going forward.
President Dotard says he's finished his written answers to the Mueller investigation and he wrote them his own self alone without help except maybe with some of the spelling with hard words like “koloojun.”
I dislike our President for many, many, reasons, ranging from his disdain for America's democratic institutions to his cruelty and racism. The list got a little longer today, because now the bastard has forced me to think about, and even visualize, Antonin Scalia in the act of fucking. I blame third-party voters for this shit. Fuck all y’all.
Potential trubble brewin’ in Shartopia, as Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet has begun to wonder, “Is Mike Pants loyal?” Wrong question, fuckhead. You ought to be wondering, “Is the Vice President really just a meth-addled bible salesman's three pet raccoons in a cheap suit, with a hairshirt underneath?”
I see the ousted GOP House majority has opted to spend their last few days wallowing in conspiracy-theory nostalgia, subpoenaing James Comey and Loretta Lynch for one final partisan slap-fight. When everyone else has gone home, Trey Gowdy will sit in his old chair, screeching BENGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, alone in the dark, likely for days.
Hey, while I've got your attention, can I get you to kick in a donation to one last big 2018 race? While Brian Kemp seems to have motherfuckered his way into the Georgia Governor's mansion (boo), the Secretary of State contest will be going to a run-off on December 4th! Support Democrat John Barrow, because we'll be gunning for a Senate seat and some electoral college votes in the Peach State in just two short years!
And hey, we need more Dems like Stacey Abrams, who isn't meekly rolling over for Brian Kemp's vote-suppressing fuckery. About time! When these shitpiles cheat to win, we shouldn't just congratulate them on their successful subversion of the will of the people, and then meekly move on. Never stop fighting, folks. Never.
Alright Resisters, that's all I've got tonight. Go forth, and make merry with your weekend. I'm gonna go eat crab rangoon until I explode now.
*...into the ground.
** (giggle)
Cap's Soapbox: I Like Presidents Who Aren't Scared of Drizzle, Okay? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I hope you'll bear with me, True Believers, as I dedicate today's post to the late great Stan Lee. I'm sure I don't need to talk about his influence on me, you probably gleaned it from the tone. Or maybe the outfit. Anyhow, let's call this one...Cap's Soapbox.
(As always, this post is available on my site, will all those helpful news links: http://showercapblog.com/caps-soapbox-i-like-presidents-who-arent-scared-of-drizzle-okay/)
That filthy liberal rag, the Wall Street Journal, says it's seen evidence that Orange Julius Caesar was personally involved in paying out all that hush money to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, which makes him a liar and, let me shout this for the folks in the back, A CRIMINAL. I must have missed Trey Gowdy and the rest of the investigation-horny House GOP demanding an inquiry, though. I'm sure they'll get around to it.
I see our old chum Jeff Sessions burned one last cross on America's lawn on the way out the door, signing a last-minute directive aimed at making it more difficult to hold abusive police departments accountable for civil rights violations, because hey, what good is local law enforcement if it doesn't preserve the supremacy of subpar white dudes like Ol’ Beauregard?
As if on cue, police in Robbins, Illinois, shot and killed a black man who had subdued an actual shooter at the bar where he worked as a security guard. See, you have to squint to see it, but the fine print on the “good guy with a gun” theory the NRA is so fond of spinning reads, “whites only.”
Whelp, I guess we can add “Democracy” to the increasingly-distressing list of Things That are Partisan Now, alongside once uncontroversial ideas like “sexual assault is bad,” “pedophiles probably shouldn't be Senators,” and “it would be better if hostile foreign nations didn't meddle in our elections.”
But yeah. They're treating the act of counting votes like it's some sort of satanic ritual performed by reefer-smoking African-American abortion doctors. Counting votes is a vast international criminal conspiracy funded by George Soros. Counting votes would be the worst thing since the Holocaust, if the Holocaust were real.
Rick Scott practically called in a damn SWAT team to stop folks from counting votes. He's filed lawsuits to have cops impound voting machines (and, thankfully, lost). Taking a cue from his neighbor, anti-democracy zealot Brian Kemp, he's abusing the power of his current office in his quest for the next one. I feel like my 7th grade civics textbook left some shit out, y'know?
And of course, utterly baseless claims of voter fraud are all the rage in the right-wing screechosphere. I'll say this for the GOP, they've certainly internalized the lesson that their manic base will never, ever, ask for evidence so long as you give them a fresh new reason to rage and bitch and moan at liberals. And if it winds up burning American democracy to the ground, well, the important thing is that white folks get all the best ashes, right?
President Crotchrot himself got in on the action, because hey, it's never too early to get started on delegitimizing all those democratic institutions that are increasingly holding you accountable for your many crimes, right? In Shart-O's defense, the office of the Presidency is the only thing standing between him and god knows how many felony indictments, and he seems rather dangerously unpopular with those pesky voters. I just hope the country survives his panic.
No, the Velveeta Vulgarian does not seem to enjoy Democracy, especially in light of the Blue Wave that washed away so many of his sniveling congressional enablers last week. Even engaging in one of his favorite hobbies, hurling racist insults at black reporters, failed to improve his mood, perhaps because his open racism has reshaped the electoral map to his own detriment?
And then he flew to France for what was supposed to be his consolation parade, after his own attempts to play dress-up Generalissimo proved too expensive, only to be thwarted by his most feared and dangerous foe: A Small Amount of Rain.
So Baron Golfin von Fatfuk sat in his hotel room and seethed as world leaders roasted him one after another for his frailty. Surly old bastard's probably gone through six or seven Emmanuel Macron voodoo dolls by now.
The California wildfires seem to have cheered him up a bit, killing a number of residents in a state that didn't vote for him, and giving him an opportunity to petulantly threaten to cut off federal funding, while simultaneously demonstrating his trademark Ignorance of Basically Everything, in assigning blame to...fuck, I can't even make sense of it. Whatever the voices in his head told him to scream at that day.
I think it's kind of weird to see the President essentially side with a natural disaster against American citizens, but we live in interesting times. Anyway, he's an international laughingstock condemned by first responders’ organizations, but he'll always have Sean Hannity.
We learned that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn't know the difference between the Balkans and the Baltics, surprising literally not one human being anywhere on Earth. That he took his mistake so far that he yelled at the leaders of the Baltic nations for starting the war in Yugoslavia also surprised literally no one human being anywhere on Earth.
There's lots and lots of exciting new pornography available these days, in the thrilling new “midterms post-mortem” genre, and you should be sure to check some of it out. Easily the finest example of pure, unrefined, schadenfreude comes from the tidbit that while KKKris KKKobach was too lazy to actually campaign, he made time for a tour of the Kansas Governor's Mansion, BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! We can only hope that he literally measured the drapes.
Kellyanne Conway helpfully addressed the Acosta video controversy by insisting the video the Shart House shared wasn't altered except for the way in which it was altered. Shitty Orwell Theatre strikes again.
Faced with the unique problem that even the highest honors he is empowered to bestow would be rejected by any decent human being if offered by his (tiny, inadequate) hand, the Marmalade Shartcannon devised a clever workaround, in awarding his tainted Presidential Medal of Freedom to some dead people, Withered Hate Raisin Orrin Hatch, and loathsome GOP megadonor Miriam Adelson. He's certainly leaving no aspect of the Presidency un-degraded. We may never get the ketchup-and-Diet-Coke stains out of Resolute desk.
I guess Steve King is now Extra Special Deluxe Officially Racist, because the Weekly Standard has a recording of him hanging out with other racists while they all say racist shit to each other. I confess I'm confused when I see King out in the media, denying that he's Klan-level bigot; it's sort of his whole brand. It's like watching a 3 Musketeers bar insist that it's not filled with nougat.
Cindy Hyde-Smith, who is a fucking United States Senator in the 21st century, was looking to praise some rancher who endorsed her, and apparently could imagine no higher compliment than “If he invited me to a public hanging, I’d be on the front row.”
In Mississippi. Jesus fuck.
I'm trying to fathom the sort of mind that expresses gratitude or admiration in terms of How Much I Wanna Watch a Lynching With You, but I confess I'm coming up short. Maybe Cindy can launch a new line of Valentines Day cards for the far right. Shit like “I'd throw migrant children in cages for U,” or “Tear down the wall around your heart so we can build one on the border.”
Anyway, Hyde-Smith, who refuses to apologize*, is still heavily favored in the Mississippi Senate run-off, because for some reason we insisted on letting the South back in Union after the Civil War. Democrat Mike Espy is a long, long, long shot, but I certainly won't stop you if you want to donate to his campaign.
And I see 2018 has brought us the indelible image of a gaggle of shitty little white boys, decked out in their shitty little prom clothes, throwing the goddamn Nazi salute. The school's mascot is probably Stephen Miller's bald spot. As depressing as this picture is, let it remind you that the fight is ongoing, and never-ending. Nice wins lately, but don't take your foot off the gas.
Satellite images reveal that North Korea continues its ballistic missile program in numerous secret sites, despite the Shart of the Deal's insistence that he won a commitment to disarm and can he please have his Nobel Prize now? Students of high stakes diplomacy are building a complex theory of the Trump Doctrine, one that posits it's probably best to work out the verifiable details of a signed treaty before you mint challenge coins.
President Valor Thief observed Veterans Day with his customary grace and class. Or he would have, were it not for that verdammte Small Amount of Rain, which kept him from visiting Arlington National Cemetery, despite the fact that it's RIGHT BY HIS HOUSE. Y'know, maybe if we just hire somebody to perch above Strawberry Shartcake's bedroom window with a watering can, we can pass the next couple of years in relative peace.
Maybe he wanted to stay dry, and hang out with his new Acting Attorney General, who was involved with a company that scammed vets out of their life savings. Or maybe he wanted to focus on his tweet calling for our military personnel serving overseas to be officially disenfranchised in Florida. Maybe he was too busy planning that trip to visit the troops in combat zones that he's been avoiding. Maybe he was thinking of the soldiers staring down a Thanksgiving spent apart from their families, deployed uselessly at the border for his forgotten last-minute political stunt.
Or maybe he's just a festering asshole who doesn't care about people generally, or veterans specifically.
Apparently not content with their midterm electoral drubbing, the turd-gargling death merchants at the NRA helpfully launched a new mass movement against themselves with a snotty tweet ordering “self-important” doctors to “stay in their lane” and shut their dirty, life-saving, pie holes about gunz. Since then, social media has been full of images of medical professional in blood-soaked scrubs, and stories of treating (and more often than not losing) the victims of gun violence. It's served to shine a new and tremendously large spotlight on the human cost of letting the frothiest gun nuts dictate laws for the rest of us. Thanks for the massive own-goal, NRA. You're closer than ever to the dustbin of history.
Birther Jagoff/Roger Stone Pal Jerome Corsi says he's about to be indicted, victim of the Bobadook and his wily “perjury trap,” which is an interested way of spinning “I lied to the FBI and they caught me.” I'll be up all night weeping for him, I'm sure. Anyway, Rog sure does seem t'be sweatin' these days.
And after a few days of joyfully refreshing the Arizona senate results every few hours, watching Kyrsten Sinema's lead grow and grow, she was finally proclaimed the official winner of the Arizona Senate seat Jeff Flake has been trembling ineffectually in for the last few years. Oh, and there are still a few House races yet to be called, and we're favored to flip a few more seats, so if you're tired of winning, TOUGH SHIT, THERE'S STILL MORE WINNING TO COME.
Alright. This has been Cap's Soapbox. I can't think of any better way to sign off than by saying...
EXCELSIOR!
*FOR INVOKING LYNCHING IN MISSISSIPPI
We Can Talk About Sessions and Acosta, Sure. But Let's Celebrate that Sweet, Sweet Blue Wave! (F/SC)
Hey there Shower Captives! How does it feel to have a few big fat fuckin’ WINS under your belt? How does it feel to have finally, FINALLY installed some checks on this wannabe-authoritarian goon squad's power? I'm pretty sure it feels good, though I haven't sobered up since about 6:30 Tuesday night, so I can't say for certain.
(As is customary, you can find this post, with all those fancy links n’ stuff, at: http://showercapblog.com/we-can-talk-about-sessions-and-acosta-sure-but-lets-celebrate-that-sweet-sweet-blue-wave/)
Well, by now I'm sure you're all totally worn out by the wall-to-wall coverage of the migrant caravan, which draws ever nearer to-HAHAHAHAHHAHAH totally kidding that turned out to be exactly what it looked like, a trick to weaponize the news media as a GOTV tool for Shart Garfunkel’s shitty, fearful, racist base! And it worked! And now we can move on until the next time he feels like playing that particular fiddle.
Just before the midterms, a couple of Fux Nooz hosts hopped up onstage at one of Government Cheese Goebbels’ little hate rallies, a major no-no that would've gotten anybody at an actual news network immediately fired. But since Fux is actually nothing more than an elaborate dumbass-brainwashing machine, Judge Jeanine and Sean Hannity will likely face significantly lighter punishment, like maybe having their office fridges filled with Tab for a week.
As for the midterms themselves? We'll get to that in a minute.
Flash forward to Wednesday.
Desperate to change some headlines following the rather thorough paddling administered by the electorate, Dorito Mussolini threw a little press conference, apparently intended to demonstrate how utterly terrified he is of being held accountable by the incoming Congress. He stamped and moaned and yelled at the mean ol’ press for their unforgivable insistence on reporting all the shitty things he does, and generally came off like, well, like a spoiled little rich boy with debilitating narcissism who doesn't know how to cope with not getting what he wants. Funny, that.
And then a Shart House intern was dispatched to literally snatch the microphone out of Jim Acosta's hand, mid-question, and I tell you folks, I really need to come up with some funnier synonyms for “straight-up banana republic shit” going forward, or this blog is gonna get awfully repetetive.
Shit got significantly more cray when the Keystone SS Agents in the press shop used the incident to rescind Acosta's credentials, claiming somewhat hilariously that he had assaulted the intern in question, despite, y'know...a room full of cameras proving otherwise.
So Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, America's own personal grimacing Mouth of Sauron, tweets out a video of the incident...that's been DOCTORED BY FUCKING INFOWARS. Yes, the website run by the emotional terrorist who was most recently seen shrieking at a literal pile of poo, figured they'd remove Acosta's instinctual “Pardon me, ma’am” from the audio track, and for good measure tweak the speed here and there to make it appear that Jim was auditioning for some sort of Iron Fist reboot.
Now, one the one hand, it's legit terrifying that our government is doing this. Intentionally circulating falsified evidence from an official White House account? Yeah, that's Orwell-for-Dummies shit. And of course, it'll be accepted not only unquestioningly, but most merrily by a large chunk of their demented base, which is really quite well-trained to fear and despise any perceived enemies without asking for any of that pesky “evidence.”
On the other hand...hey assholes, your base-only approach got your party taint-punted over the horizon on Tuesday! A clear majority of Americans see right through this clumsy crap. And it makes us double and re-double our efforts to boot your crooked asses out once and for all, every single time. It's horrifying fascism, yes, but it's coming from folks with Velcro on their jackboots because they can't handle laces.
...thank GOD these people aren't smarter.
Hey, how long did your heart stop when you got that push notification about Ruth Bader Ginsburg getting hospitalized? WOOOOOOOOOO. But of course it'll take more that a few cracked ribs to keep the Notorious RBG down. However, her scheduled cage match with Steve Bannon may be postponed for a week.
Another motherfucking mass shooting, this time at a bar in southern California, killing 12. The shooter appears to be a marine veteran, possibly suffering from PTSD, which is just goddamn tragic. Especially, it would seem, to the right wing fucknutosphere, which giddily reported the shooter was Middle Eastern, only to have him turn out to be yet another murderous white male. Anyway, everyone dutifully issued retractions and apologies and HAHAHA HERE'S ANOTHER UPDATE ON THAT CARAVAN, SUCKERS.
Senator-Elect/Soulless Person-Shaped Husk Marsha Blackburn broke the land speed post-shooting indecency record, skipping over the thoughts and the prayers (both!) to cut directly to ranting about how it's the second amendment, and not human lives, that must be protected in the aftermath of the latest completely avoidable slaughter. “We must fight to secure the right of all future Americans to have their lives senselessly cut short at any moment, in any location. I want to make sure that tomorrow's grief-wrecked parents get to experience all the same feelings of loss, confusion, and horror as today's,” said Blackburn, probably.
I just wish more people had listened to Tay-Tay, is all I'm sayin’
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III became the latest Drumpf lackey to learn the true meaning of that scorpion story Fat Q*Bert is so fond of telling. Ah, Jeff, you gave him legitimacy when he had none, and now where are you? Unemployed, and exiled from the movement as a heretic. Were it not for the potentially catastrophic consequences of your firing, I could put down a whole goddamn case of MGD celebrating your humiliation, but I have a country to worry about, so fuck you for that too.
Jeff Sessions is one the very worst people in America today. A resentful little troll driven by ignorance and hate, his disturbingly long public career was devoted exclusively to preserving the unearned supremacy of Mediocre White Dudes, who should probably make him their patron saint. As Attorney General, he woke up every day, skipped to the office, sat down at his desk, and tried to hurt as many people as he could before quittin’ time rolled around. He did everything in his power to keep brown-skinned folks either out of the country or in prison for minor drug offenses. He rolled back protections for minorities wherever possible. I wish him shingles and gout and perpetual sunburns on those ridiculous ears.
So, the Acting Attorney General seems to be a dog-eared copy of a Bill O'Reilly novel, crusty from the long-dried spooj of whatever wingnut kept in on his bedside table. Unconstitutionally appointed, no less.
Seriously, this Whitaker doofus is a hack even by the standards of the administration that figured Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos should be cabinet secretaries. A goddamn hot tub salesman. Wait, no. A FAKE hot tub salesman. How did he get here? Well, Littlefinger saw him on the magic teevee box and liked the way he belched up lies and talking points, so he was made Sessions’ chief of staff/replacement-in-waiting. RAD.
(And what's tragically hilarious here is, Whitaker apparently pursued this strategy intentionally. Go on television, massage the Presidential ego, and then sit back and wait until enormous power gets dropped directly in your lap. HA HA HA IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I'LL BE DIGGING A FALLOUT SHELTER IN THE BACK YARD.)
Anyway, yeah, an utterly unqualified stooge is now running the Justice Department and overseeing the Mueller investigation. Would you like fries with your constitutional crisis?
And recounts seem to be on the menu in Florida! Andrew Gillum's race is close enough to trigger a mandatory machine recount. Bill Nelson's is close enough for a MANUAL recount. And there's a lotta smoke and noise right now, but maybe there's some shady shit goin’ down. Point is, nothing is over. We're in for another fight.
Nervous Republicans all the way up to Marco Rubio and Ronna **Romney** McDaniel have chosen to spin the simple act of making sure every vote is counted into a massive Democratic conspiracy theory to steal the election, confident their perpetually-inflamed rube base will accept and spread their horseshit without any factual support whatsoever.
...and they're right.
But let's just take a quick minute to appreciate how Democrats are FIGHTING this shit, huh? Gone are the days of “Oh, those rascally Republicans and their vote suppression! They got away with it again!” Nah. Stacey Abrams will not be conceding, thank you very much. Oh, and by the way, she CERTAINLY won this election. Even after Brian Kemp pulled out every dirty trick in the voter suppression book, and invented a few new ones, she's STILL within spitting distance of a mandatory runoff. We beat Republicans in Georgia, and they may not wind up being able to cheat their way out of admitting it.
Another fight. You down?
I'll tell you what though, Resisters. Thanks to your hard work and devotion, your relentless drive through all the horrors of the last two years, we ROUTED the Rube Army this week. A big, beautiful, Blue Wave swept from sea to shining sea, and it washed a whole lotta garbage away, didn't it?
I wanted to save this for last, because FUCK the Marmalade Shartcannon and his dopey attempts to shanghai the news cycle, we WON. We won big, we won wide, and we won all over the fucking place.
I hope Pete Sessions'll be ok; I wonder if he even knows how to make a living without abusing the power of public office. Who will keep Dana Rohrabacher in borscht and vodka now? Peter Roskam will have to take his phony histrionics to dinner theatre, cuz C-SPAN won't be carrying him anymore. Poor Scott Walker, he signed the very bill that stripped his future self of the right to call for a recount!
And my ol’ pal from back home, KKKris KKKobach, failed in his bid to turn the disastrous Brownbackistan experiment around by launching a lucrative cross-burning industry out among the verdant fields of my beloved Kansas. Gimme a minute, I may weep.
(Pause)
...ok. I did not weep. I may've laughed hard enough to throw out my back, though.
Seriously, we have an AMAZING freshman class coming in. Aren't you gonna love watching Abigail Spanberger sitting in Dave Brat's seat? Eric Cantor's seat? How about amazing gun control advocate Lucy McBath sending the odious Karen Handel packing? Bonus points to Xochitl Torres Small for winning after her opponent had already delivered a victory speech. And there's still plenty more votes to count!
I love everybody on our team. We'll be doing something new with the ol’ Action Guide soon, but click over there and meet the rookies if you haven't already! Though I never got around to surprise winners Max Rose (NY-11), Joe Cunningham (SC-01), and Kendra Horn (OK-5)! These good, good, people will need your help very soon, I hope you'll keep them in mind.
But the good news doesn't stop there. Hell no. We won a bunch of governor's mansions and hundreds of state legislative seats, including flipping seven state chambers. We cut into a few GOP super-majorities. We took the majority of America’s AG offices. We stocked the bench with tomorrow's Representatives, Senators, Governors...Presidents?
You want ballot initiatives? I got ballot initiatives coming out of my hairy white ass, folks. Medicare expansion won big. Voting rights won big, especially in Florida, which restored the franchise to 1.2 million felons who've paid their debt to society. Pot won. Minimum wage hikes won. Shit, the coattails of Dem Decency were so long, we even made life better for DOGS.
Just for a little gravy, we got to send America's least favorite would-be theocrat/petty local tyrant, Kim Davis, home as well. Bye, Kim!
We took a couple of lumps, yeah. That's fine. But Nate Silver is saying, once the counting is done, we'll have carried the popular vote in the House by 7-8%, and 8 million votes. We've taken the suburbs away from the GOP, and we'll hold them in 2020. We made huge gains with college-educated white women. We finally started nominating amazing non-white/straight/male candidates, and lo and behold, non-white/straight/male voters turned out to support them! We're assembling the coalition that will take back the whole dang country in two short years.
Most importantly, (to me, anyway*) we absolutely steamrolled ‘em in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin. No PA, MI, and WI, no chance for a second turd. Er, “term.”
And hey, who's lookin’ all sexy and swing-y in that new, purple outfit? Hayyyyyy Georgia! Hayyyyy Arizona.
Hayyyyyyyy...TEXAS.
Not saying it'll be easy. It won't be. But we're battle-tested now. We spent two long-ass years walking up a volcano as it launched scalding-hot shit in our faces every single fucking step of the way, and we planted our fucking flag at the summit.
And then we wiped our brows. Sat down for a minute. Had a beer. Stood up. Said, “Cool. What's next?”
The answer, it seems, is immediate protests, all across the country, in support of Mueller. To Donald Trump and his significantly-reduced gaggle of craven sycophants, I say...we can do this all day, every day.
PS, Well, well, well...while I was draftin’ up tonight's blog, who should pull ahead in her Senate race but Kyrsten Sinema? No wonder the GOP is suing to prevent folks’ votes from getting counted. Can't take your eyes off these fucks for a goddamn minute.
*I am, ultimately, just a random dipshit in a mask and a bathrobe.
One Last Shower Cap Update Before We All Go Back to Obsessively Staring at the Clock (Ferret!)
Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It's like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there's a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs.
Well, let me give you one final overlong news blog before we hunker down to await the results, white-knuckled and inebriated. When you're done, the Goddam Midterms will be five minutes closer! And don't forget to use Shower Cap's Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) tomorrow, it'll help ya get to know all your freshly-elected officials!
And as always, you can find this post, and others like it, with all kinds of informative news links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/one-last-shower-cap-update-before-we-all-go-back-to-obsessively-staring-at-the-clock-waiting-for-the-midterms-results-to-roll-in/
President Crotchvoid, demonstrating his commitment to the “Consoler-in-Chief” role traditionally played by the President in the aftermath of a national tragedy, lamented the last week's surge in white nationalist terror, if only in terms of his perceived political “momentum.” Do you hear that, America? As you mourn the victims of bigotry and hate, spare a tear for your poor put-upon President, because all the senseless bloodshed meant that people stopped paying attention to him for a few hours.
Shitty White Guy Terrorism didn't wait long to rear its Shitty White Guy head again, as one of the crapworms of the incel movement shot up a yoga studio last Friday. The choice of a yoga studio as target really demonstrates the radicalizing effects of these dirtbag internet communities. That this unhinged rage monster, with a history of run-ins with the law stemming from harassing women, and a library of videos filled with his hatred of women that included violent ideation, still had access to firearms, is INSANITY.
So long as we grant every hate-warped jackass unfettered access to murder machines, they are going to keep on killing people. That is the clear, simple truth. There is no other side to this argument. Let's make sure the NRA has a bad night tomorrow, ok?
I confess I get a kick out of the new, Hey Guys Can I Join the Resistance Please? Guys? version of Michael Cohen, he's sorta cute in his neediness. Anyhow, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is eagerly offering up the truly shocking intelligence that Donald Trump said racist things around him before their relationship collapsed in a flurry of indictments and private confession sessions with Bodacious Bob Mueller. You want redemption, Mikey? Send your old boss to prison, then we'll talk.
So, the Nigerian military slaughtered a number of protesters, which is a heartbreaking tragedy, and a crime against humanity. While this sort of monstrosity is all too common, what you don't typically see in these cases is the mass-murderers responding to international condemnation of their heinous acts by tossing the American President's words around like a Get Out Jail Free card. Jesus Christ.
Y'know...the United States has always striven to be a beacon of democracy and freedom in the world. And yeah, we fall short...we fall short a LOT, but to stray so far from that mission that our President's words become a shield for murderous tyranny...it breaks my heart and it boils my blood, and godDAMN I am fuckin’ well ready to vote tomorrow.
...something a little lighter now, I think. Yeah.
A valuable lesson in the Streisand Effect over the weekend, provided by Republican CongressJag Jeff Fortenberry's self-control-challenged Chief of Staff. This cud-brained buttfungus tried to get a UNL professor fired for “liking” a picture on Facebook, of a defaced campaign sign which urged support of a googly-eyed Jeff...Fartenberry. GET IT? FARTenberry! Instead of FORTenberry! Because FARTS! Anyway, while 99.9% of Americans had no idea Congressmen Fartenfartfart even existed until now, he's now a coast-to-coast laughingstock, and the incident has been referred for investigation to the House Ethics Committee. Nice work.
Further trouble in Shartopia, as a federal judge ruled that the emoluments clause lawsuit against Boss Treasonweasel can indeed proceed, which means we will soon be in the long-awaited DISCOVERY phase. And that means digging around in alllllll those financial records Sharty McFly has been so desperate to hide from the American people. Who knows what goodies we'll uncover...evidence he's been lying about his wealth? Russian money-laundering receipts? A whole credit account dedicated to pee hookers?
I see Rihanna became the latest pop start to order the Velveeta Vulgarian to cease using their music at those shitty little Klan rallies he's always holding because his actual job bores him. By the time we get to 2020, Shartboy won’t be allowed to play anything except Stephen Miller's kazoo cover of Tomorrow Belongs to Me.
Late-breaking reporting from the Kansas City Star reveals that RepubliCrook Senator Wannabe Josh Hawley outsourced the running of his Missouri Attorney General's office to out-of-state political consultants, NEAT! You'd think this would be disqualifying, but the GOP base actually seems kinda horny for dishonesty, hackery, and incompetence these days, so this race looks like one of the real nail-biters.
Even in these batshit crazy days, even when we're entirely fair in asking, “Hey, on a scale of one to gas chambers, how fascist is the Republican Party gonna be next year?,” I'm stunned at the naked, unapologetic villainy of Georgia's Brian Kemp. Even as his voter suppression efforts have been slapped down by the courts, even as his utterly corrupt abuse of his office has become headline news all across the country, the little bastard doubles down at every opportunity.
So now Kemp saw Goody Abrams with the Devil...or something. First, the fucker announces, without any evidence whatsoever, that his office is opening an investigation into the Georgia Democrat Party for...does it really matter? The point is, it's slapped all over the Secretary of State website, and yes, that's exactly where voters need to go to check their registration status, find polling locations, and so on. So yeah, he's using taxpayer-funded resources to turn an official government website into a bullshit propaganda tool, and it's fucking sinister. It's goddamn un-American, is what it is.
Then it turns out that what's really going on is Kemp's Krew attempting to turn a good faith effort to reach out to his office, to draw attention to a potential cyber-security risk, into a smear against his political opponents. Well, if he loses tomorrow, I'm sure he'll be welcome in the Marmalade Shartcannon's cabinet.
If he had the staff for it, they'd be personally hand-selecting which people get to vote, tearing up folks’ ballots the minute they leave their polling station. He's the kind of guy who calls out the National Guard to keep a school from integrating. Brian Kemp is here for the authoritarian takeover of the United States, is what I'm saying.
Oh hey, Hairpiece Himmler's little deploying-the-military-to-the-border-to-sit-and-wait-for-the-migrant-caravan-that's-still-hundreds-of-miles-away charade looks to cost taxpayers a couple hundred million bucks or more! Now, I'm pretty fucking angry that I've been paying for this assclown's weekly golf vacations for almost two years, but subsidizing his goddamn campaign stunts? When he abandoned the people of Puerto Rico’s to rot and die? Nah, bro. That doesn't work for me. About to time to impose some oversight, don'tcha think?
Yeah, I can't fuckin’ wait to finally, FINALLY vote tomorrow, folks, if only for the opportunity to do my own humble part to push back against the daily atrocity of a President so vile, his closing argument to the midterm electorate was so racist, so hateful, it was deemed unsuitable by every major media outlet, up to and including the 24-Hour White-Folks-Frightenin’ Machine know as Fox News. DAVID DUKE SURE FUCKIN’ LIKED IT, THOUGH.
But now it's time to make our voices heard. To take a little power away from the folks who make David Duke wet himself with glee, and give it back to the decent people who think David Duke should be locked in a Coachella outhouse and rolled down a hill.
So yeah, here we are. This is the last time we'll speak before the election. I'm like you, extremely hopeful, but still a bit nervous, since the 11-8-2016 lesson that every seemingly-delicious cupcake might turn out to be filled with maggots and broken glass.
I don't know for sure what'll happen tomorrow, but I do know this: the next fights begin Wednesday morning. Maybe we'll be clawing a stolen office back from a vote-suppressing shitsack. Maybe we'll slowing down the Trump/McConnell Judicial Fuckwad Pipeline. One way or another we've got a lot of innocent children in custody that need our help.
But I do know, we're done patting ourselves on the back after one successful election, then tuning out. Leaving the hard work to other folks. That's the hard-learned lesson of these last two years, I think. We've learned to be better citizens. We've learned to stick around and keep fighting, every single day. And we won't soon forget.
Ok. That's that. Let's go SAVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
And Lo, the Lord Sent Unto Them a Jacob Wohl, to Laugh At in Their Darkest Hour! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
The news...good lord, the NEWS. “Hey Cap, just for today, why don't you only tell me the parts that aren't about mega-racist shitsacks being mega-racist?” Because the blog would be like, three paragraphs long, that's why. Welcome to Republican Closing Argument Time, a few short days ahead of the 2018 midterm elections...
(You know the drill. This post, with all the helpful news links, can be found on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/and-lo-the-lord-sent-unto-them-a-jacob-wohl-to-laugh-at-in-their-darkest-hour/)
So the Velveeta Vulgarian went where he was decidedly unwanted; Pittsburgh, PA, in the aftermath of the terrorist mass-murder inspired by an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory that he himself continues to use his Presidential pulpit to spread even today. WEIRD THAT NOBODY WANTED HIM TO COME, HUH?
Fuckhead actually tried to trick Pennsylvania officials into appearing alongside his violence-inciting, mile-wide ass. Anyway, in the end, he popped in just long to shoot a little campaign video in praise of himself, and lie about the protesters who follow him every time he actually has the sack to step outside of his home turf. And then he scurried back to his safe space.
Well, we figured out why Cowboy Ryan Zinke was so eager to replace Interior's inspector general with an obedient stooge; one of the watchdog's multiple investigations into the Extra Grifty Secretary has been referred to the Justice Department for possible criminal prosecution. Timing's a bitch, Ryan.
What's really fun here is that Zinke Bootz has so many different open investigations that it wasn't immediately clear just which one was referred. The Failing New York Times has helpfully provided this handy guide to his near-Pruitt-sized stack of ethics scandals.
I guess everybody suddenly noticed that Iowa CongressFink Steve King is some kind of bigot! Suddenly his big corporate sponsors are pulling out because they are shocked, SHOCKED I say, at his recent cavorting with Nazi eurotrash. I dunno, Land O’Lakes, Purina...Steve's been a fairly open white supremacist for as long as I can remember, he's just a little showier lately, doing striptease routines at fascist bachelor parties, wearing glow-in-the-dark Klan pasties on his nipples. You don't get bonus points for pulling out once a dude starts Instagramming his cross burnings, is all I'm saying.
God bless him, he's still got Ted Cruz, though! Ted may be a sniveling little toad of a man, but at least he's loyal to white nationalists and dudes who mock his wife and father, you have to give him that.
Anyway, Steve-O is not handling his newfound notoriety well. He's throwing tantrums when confronted over his record, and as always, I'm struck by just how whiny the supposed “master race” gets when cornered. His Democratic opponent, J.D. Scholten, has been creeping up in the polls and raising money like gangbusters, so maybe just maybe we can finally flush this turd next Tuesday.
Hey, remember the other day, when Mike Pants insulted the entire Jewish community by having a “Messianic Jew” speak at an event allegedly honoring the victims of the Pittsburgh massacre? Turns out, the dude wasn't even a rabbi, he was defrocked a full fifteen fucking years ago! It's kind of the perfect Shart Administration story isn't it? Dishonest, disrespectful, hateful, and bungled like the Three Stooges’ understudies were in charge.
Anyway, Mikey Hairshirt had his own little "please clap” moment today, whining that he was being upstaged by Oprah Winfrey, who was campaigning for Stacey Abrams, and who, unlike the Vice President, is, y'know...liked.
Details just keep on drip-drip-dripping out on the Mueller investigation's slow, methodical, circling of Roger Stone. I'm almost worried about getting my hopes up for a Stone indictment, it's been so heavily teased now...if it doesn't happen, it'll be like finding out that giant package under the Xmas tree was just a laundry hamper. It's kinda fun that it looks like Steve Bannon is selling ol’ Rog out to the Bobadook, though.
Speaking of Darth Wino, he slithered down to Wichita, in the heart of usually-deep-red Kansas, for an event that drew a mere 17 spectators, a figure lower than the number of shirts he was wearing.
Whew. I need a break from all this bile and general jagoffishness. Wouldn't a little tonal shift be nice? A little palate cleanser before we wade through the rest of the genuinely horrible crap that's going on?
Well, it just so happens, I have the diversion you're looking for. Please enjoy this refreshing sorbet in the form of The Tale of Jacob Wohl and the Very Worst Plan Ever.
Wohl, if you're unfamiliar, is this weird, creepy, Twitter troll who's mostly “famous” for latching onto Donnie Dotard's tweets like some sort of sewage remora. Oh, and at the ripe old age of 20, he's already been banned for life from the financial services industry.
Anyway, this bright young lad concocted a little plot to take down Rascally Robert Mueller by weaponizing the #MeToo movement, using the espionage skills of someone who maybe read the back of a James Bond VHS case once. To say that there were a few holes in Jacob's little scheme is...really quite generous. I won’t recap the details here, largely because the whole thing is pretty fucking funny on its own. Check it out, it's got everything from two-time Academy Winner Christoph Waltz to a phony private intelligence agency using...I kid you not, Wohl's mom's phone number.
What's amazing here is that at no point in laying out or executing his “master plan” did young Jacob seem to notice that what he was actually constructing was a very large, very powerful vise around his own scrotum.
Anyway, this afternoon, Wohl and his partner, another conspiracy peddler named Jack Burkman, held what I'm told was a real press conference, and not an elaborate sketch comedy bit. Their totally-real-yuh-huh-she-is Mueller accuser shockingly did not appear as promised, perhaps due to an extreme allergic reaction to unbridled idiocy. Perhaps she is a pooka.
Because the show-runner understands that God is in the details, Burkman's fly was open during the entire press conference. Perfection is so rare in the human experience, but I think today, Jake n’ Jack achieved the Dipshit Self-Own version of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And they've earned themselves a nifty little FBI investigation into their shenanigans for their trouble.
Anyhow. We now return to the meth-addled Klan rally we call “the news.”
Looks like Nikki Haley's replacement as U.N. Ambassador is gonna be a former Fux Nooz host without any of that...what's the word I'm looking for...oh right, any of that ”experience” that you'd typically look for with this sort of post. I keep telling you we live in Hell, and at some point you'll have to admit I'm right.
Pissant Pol Pot, terrified at the looming prospect of a Congress that actually holds him accountable for his crimes, waddled up to the ol’ electoral karaoke machine, and sang the only song he's ever bothered to learn, that classic 1965 hit, “Lock the Doors Papa, There Are Brown-Skinned People Hiding Around Every Corner.”
Yes, hoping that nobody noticed his promised middle-class tax cut failed to materialize, President Crotchrot is letting it all ride on Hideous, Unapologetic, Fear-Mongering Racist Hate.
He doesn't want Americans talking about the health care he tried to steal from millions. He doesn't want us discussing the scam tax bill where he redistributed the fruits of recent prosperity directly to himself and his plutocrat pals. No, he wants folks trembling in their basements, snarling to one another about how much they fear and despise anyone who looks, or thinks, or prays, or loves differently than they do.
And heaven help us if he's successful.
So he starts babbling about how he's gonna overturn birthright citizenship by executive order, and maybe it's a little funny that he doesn't understand how the fucking government works even after two years as President, but on the other hand we're talking about a rapidly deteriorating white nationalist with ambitions of unchecked dictatorship, so maybe I won't be laughing when I celebrate my next birthday in a labor camp, right?
And I see Weehands McNodick wants to deploy basically the entire American Armed Forces to the southern border, such is his desperation to make the Big Scary Migrant Caravan a campaign issue. As a matter of fact, YOU have just been drafted and deployed to the border. Why are you sitting there reading this hilarious blog, soldier? ROLL OUT!! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!!
...cuz nothing says “stable leadership” than pissing away millions of taxpayer dollars to send troops to the border to...hang around and wait for people to travel hundreds on miles on foot. Donnie Two-Scoops insists the caravan is larger than reported, because...sigh...because he's really good at judging crowd size. I refuse to take the bait for such an obvious gag. It's beneath me.
Dorito Mussolini cut a last-minute campaign ad before the midterms, and it offers a surprisingly detailed plan to utilize a number of different tools to reinvigorate the manufacturing sector in the Rust BelHAHAHAHA just kidding, it's repugnant racist fear-mongering straight out of Stephen Miller's wettest dream. The Willie Horton ad is over in the corner, going, “Dude, TOO FAR.”
So, Brian Kemp took a brief vacation from suppressing votes (fucker's about to go door-to-door in black neighborhoods, slashing tires) to drop out of a scheduled debate with Stacey Abrams. Then, without a moment's hesitation or an ounce of shame, he turns around and smugly accuses Abrams of canceling, because in the 2018 GOP, honesty is for CUCKS.
Republicans are really taking advantage of their base's gullibility, and honestly, after watching the Trumpkins eat plateful after plateful of their God Emperor's shit for two years, can you blame ‘em? Surely the dead-eyed rubes who believe garbage like Pizzagate and Jade Helm won't have any problem believing that a CongressJag who voted 50 times to repeal Obamacare is really a lifelong champion of protecting coverage for Americans with pre-existing conditions, observable evidence be damned!
By 2020, they'll show up at your house, shoot your dog, and insist Elizabeth Warren did it.
Anyway, let no one claim the GOP is neglecting their bench! Meet Washington State Representative Matt Shea, who has a “manifesto” offering some real cutting edge solutions, among them...genocidal elimination of non-Christians! Maybe after 2028 he can be President KKKobach's HHS Secretary HA HA HA HA (weeps).
And don't sleep on Ed Charamut in Connecticut, who figured now is the perfect moment to fling some insanely anti-Semitic tropes at his Jewish opponent in a campaign mailer! Ed'll be in the Cabinet by Xmas!
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip continued to assert control over America's foreign policy, since his boss is too busy golfing and rage-tweeting at CNN to bother with such petty details. Anyhoo, Bolton proclaimed a brand new “Troika of Tyranny” today, and I swear to you that's not a Shower Cap joke, but a real thing in real life. (I woulda said “Triumvirate of Treachery,” because it's much cooler.)
And Hairpiece Himmler called a little press conference this afternoon, so he could trick the media into airing his odious, hate-n'-fear-filled, stump speech one more time. For extra depravity, he offhandedly suggested that he'd order the military to fire on anyone at the border who so much as throws a rock, which is, ok, murder and a war crime, but who's countin’?
Watching this anus-mouthed taintfungus play pretend tough guy, proposing the slaughter of unarmed civilians with barely-concealed arousal...it makes you want to retire a bunch of his jelly-spined congressional enablers, doesn't it? We've still got a few days, so pop on over to Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/), pick a few races, and pitch in. And don't stop there! I ran out of time, there are another couple of dozen lean/likely R races where we've got a real shot. Check out the ratings folks for more information. Let's surprise a few of these fucks, huh?
Oh hey, the Obamacare open enrollment period started! If you really wanna get under Shart Garfunkel’s skin, spread the word far and wide, because nothing pisses off the President of the United States more than American citizens signing up for the health insurance they're legally entitled to!
...with that utterly depressing and absurd sentence, I leave you. I'd tell ya to vote, but there's no way anybody who reads all the way to the end of THIS blog isn't already a voter.
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