TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalThe News Has Finally Reduced Even Me to a Quivering Mess, Begging For Mercy
Sweet Titty-Fucking Christ, how is there this much news in ONE WEEK? There wasn't this much news in some YEARS of the Obama administration. There wasn't this much news in the entire motherfucking Renaissance!
I apologize in advance for the sheer length of this. I even cut the part where Tom Bombadil bought a jet ski with government funds. Let's just dive into this septic tank we call...the news. (And yeah, you can get it, with links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/news-has-finally-reduced-even-me-quivering-mess/)
Let's start with a little light schadenfreude, as the faculty at Lehigh University voted to strip the Candycorn Skidmark of the honorary degree they bestowed upon him back when he was an amusing buffoon rather than a daily threat to international peace and stability.
That'll show him! Losing a meaningless ceremonial honor seems like a reasonable consequence for a Commander-in-Chief who actively refuses to defend his country!
Yup yup, Admiral Mike Rogers, NSA Director, let the Senate know that President Boris Bonespurs somehow hasn't yet granted him the authority he needs to smack Russia hard enough to deter them from fucking with our sweet, beautiful, democracy in the future.
That's just NEAT, innit? I'll tell you what, Resisters, I had no love for any of the Gaggle of Assholes who opposed Orange Julius Caesar in the 2016 GOP primary, but I never doubted that any of them, from Fiorina to Jeb(!) to Pataki would have gone, "Oh, a hostile foreign power attacked America? MEH, I GOT GOLF."
The reigning NBA champion Golden State Warriors took a group of local children to the National Museum of African American History and Culture during their visit to Washington, D.C., after Shart Garfunkel petulantly rescinded their White House invitation over several players Expressing Opinions While Black.
...I still think somebody should have challenged Stephen Miller to a game of Horse, with his Senior Advisor gig on the line. Stephen's quite the athlete you know, as his storied track career demonstrates.
Sooooooo there's this Russian escort/"self-described sex instructor," right? She's been arrested in Thailand (for running an illegal "seduction class," I guess?) and she wants the U.S. government to intervene and rescue her, in exchange for dirt of Trump and Manafort.
Sure, whatever. That's about par for the course these days. The "course" is like, a miniature golf course. That the Joker rigged into a series of themed death traps designed to kill Batman. It's par for that course.
Anyway. Russian escort, seduction class, dirt on Trump. And you won't even fucking remember any of that shit by the end of this blog.
A little more good news before we move on, Team Blue flipped a couple more special election seats, including a Connecticut House district Republicans had held for 40 years. And those generic congressional polls just keep getting sweeter and sweeter.
Once upon a time, this dude said CNN wanted to make his son read a scripted question at the Parkland/gun control town hall, and he showed the world an e-mail to prove it, and the right wing media lost their shit.
Only then it turned out the dude had totally doctored the e-mail in question, because I guess he's the kind of person who's cool with not only lying, but using both a community tragedy and his OWN FUCKING KID in a bullshit ploy to...what? Make CNN look bad? COOL LIFE, BRO.
Bob Corker is still retiring, after floating a To Hell With All My So-Called 'Principled" Criticism of Trump Maybe I'll Just Give Him a Rim Job So He'll Endorse Me trial balloon.
If you missed the "Yup, still quitting" Corker story, you might not have noticed the little nugget where Tangerine Idi Amin's staff keeps files full of mean things Republicans have said about him, so they can whip him up into a rage should the need arise. It's really fun that the President is so easy to manipulate, and that everyone around him knows it, isn't it?
Prospects for peace in the Middle East took a good sturdy punt to the groin, as Jared Kushner finally lost the security clearance he had no fucking business ever having in the first place.
Jar-Jar's portfolio isn't shrinking, at least for now. Whatever. Not like he was actually accomplishing anything anyway. He's probably sitting in his office, working his way through a coloring book he picked up in a Saudi Arabian gift shop, pretending it's "research."
Oh, and WaPo informs us that at least four foreign nations have explored how to exploit Kushner's unique blend of Enormous Fucking Idiot in Over His Head and Shit Businessman Desperate for Deliverance From a Mountain of Debt in order to, y'know, INFLUENCE THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster found out Jared was communicating with foreign officials without letting the National Security Council know, and was all "Hey, maybe cut this shady shit out," so naturally between that and saying Yuh Huh Russia Sure Did Meddle in Our Election, he's being replaced.
...so that's fun.
Oh, and allegedly, more than THIRTY additional Shart House staffers lost their clearances, too, meaning there were more than thirty random dipshits running around looking at America's most closely-guarded secrets. Fucking Omarosa probably knows where every undercover agent on the planet lives. COOL.
The whole damn executive branch seems to fall into two camps these days: under-qualified assclowns sniping at each other like middle school children, and shitty grifters trying to loot as much as they humanly can before the cops show up.
Ben Carson wants all the dirty takers to know that their free ride is over! Americans are sick and tired of seeing their taxpayer dollars wasted on housing for the less fortunate! No sir, we send our hard earned money to Washington to finance our swindler Cabinet Secretaries' luxury redecorating projects!
Seems Dr. Ben demoted a career HUD staffer for daring to suggest he park his royal ass in a chair costing even a penny less than five thousand bucks like some sort of PEASANT, because, as we all know, everything this administration does is driven by raw, unfiltered, populism!
And then there's the now-famous dining set. $31,000 might seem like an awful lot to spend on a table, but trust me, you should see how much grain it stores.
But now Chief Inspector Gowdy Doody, that Redneck Javert, is on the case, investigating Carson's little shopping spree! If he brings the same rigor and integrity to this case as he did to his Benghazi investigation, Ben's office will wind up with a waterfall and a couple of Fabergé eggs.
Cowboy Ryan Zinke has been getting his share, too. It's been a real privilege, paying the Z-Man's swanky hotel bills whenever he's felt like hangin' with his homies in the NRA, but the REAL treat was when he pulled a BLM supervisor out of his day job (which happens to be fighting wildfires) during fire season.
And Scott Pruitt says he's just doing God's will as he eviscerates the EPA, I guess cuz God wants all his children to have asthma and Legionnaires disease.
Just for the record, little man, if you had an omnipotent deity on your side, you wouldn't need a $25,000 soundproof booth in your fucking office so you can hide the fact that you're wanking off to x-rays of children's wrecked lungs from your secretary.
Another grifter, VA Secretary David Shulkin, apparently has his very own chief aides sneaking around behind his back, trying to get Congress to call for his (totally justified) firing. I bet the office parties at the VA are...Pinteresque.
I tell you what, we're about one more unjustified first-class flight away from the entire Cabinet descending into a Lord of the Flies scenario. And yes, Jeff Sessions would be Piggy.*
Hope Hicks testified before the House Intelligence Committee, following in the footsteps of colleagues like Sessions and Steve Bannon in invoking the Not Quite Executive Privilege But We All Know the Collaborating Republican Majority Will Let Us Get Away With Anything defense to avoid actually answering questions.
She did let it slip that her job as Drumpf's communications director entails regularly deceiving the American people. "White lies," she playfully labeled her ongoing campaign of dishonesty and gaslighting. Gotta give props to John Dingell for the simple, brutal, elegance of his retorting Tweet: "Even their lies are white."
Anyhow, Hicks went on to announce her resignation, wearing a custom-made "I Betrayed My Country and All I Got Was Set Up With a Serial Domestic Abuser" t-shirt. She claims she's been thinking about quitting for awhile, and that her boss' epically disastrous week and her own grilling by House Intel had nothing to do with her decision. And maybe there are even two or three people out there who believe her.
(Rumor has it the next communications director is going to be an audiobook of Seb Gorka reading Mein Kampf, so that'll be fun.)
And of course everybody knows Hicks is one of the only people our Idiot Manchild President feels comfortable around, so now we have to wonder how he'll behave without his security blanket. Lord. Like, what if the last two years is what he's like when he's comparatively well-behaved?
Man, things are totally nucking futs here in the U.S. of A., but what the shit is going on with the Drumpf Hotel down in Panama? There's some sort of management dispute between the Trump Organization and the new owners, and it's actually descended, and repeatedly, into physical violence.
...I suppose you have to expect this sort of thing when you give an organized crime family this much political power. Le sigh.
Precious Paul Manafort pleaded "Let's see how much of this shit I can get away with," and his trial is set for September. Yeah, a bunch of fall headlines about the President's campaign being run by a money-launderer should be the maraschino cherry on top of the midterms sundae.
There's actually a quite lot of news out of Muellertown these days. We're already in "What did the President know and when did he know it?" territory regarding the hacking and release of the Podesta/DNC emails. Luckily for the President, there's no video record of him publicly begging Russia to release dirt on his opponent or anything.
...wait.
And the Bobadook is also reportedly sniffing around Shartboy's weaselly attempts to rid himself of that troublesome Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th'Third!
I bet there's a friendly competition between the Foreign Collusion wing of Mueller's team and the Obstruction of Justice wing. Like, whoever saves the Republic first gets a steak dinner.
Vice President Mike Pants promised a crowd of faux Christians an end to abortion rights "in our time," apparently oblivious to all the American women who will shortly find themselves alone in a voting booth with their intentions to vote his Bad-Guy-in-Pleasantville ass straight back to the 1940's.
Hey, Jews of mid-20th Century Europe! Alaska Republican Don Young wants to know why y'all were so complicit in your own Holocaust-ing? If only you'd had the bloodthirsty maniacs of the National Rifle Associate to turn you into Good Guyz With Gunz, you could've spared yourself a whole buncha grief!
Anyway, Young is the longest-serving member of the House, but doesn't have a high school kid's grasp of world history, because in the 21st century GOP, book-learnin' is ELITIST and therefore bad.
I swear, by 2024, you're gonna see Republican candidates squabbling in debates over who reads less. "I don't even read menus, I just order a cheeseburger wherever I go!"
The President and his Attorney General are bickering, trading passive-aggressive messages through public statements and social media, which is a normal and healthy way to run the world's last remaining superpower.
Littlefinger wants Beauregard to use the Justice Department to attack his political enemies, but Beau insists he will do his job with "integrity and honor." By the way, you know Sessions had a staffer draft that statement, because he would've immediately burst into flames had he made such a blatantly ridiculous claim himself.
And now Bilbo Bigot is dining out with Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, which political journalists assure me is a big middle finger to the President, and Drumpf calls Jeff "Mr. Magoo" behind his back, because he imagines mean nicknames have the same currency in national politics as they did on the grade school playground.
I dunno. When two of history's biggest jagoffs are fighting, who do you root for? Can't we just lock Trump and Sessions inside a hammer factory and let God figure out the rest?
Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is still trying to pick out the atomic wedgie those Parkland kids gave him at the CNN town hall last week. His approval rating hit an all-time low, so maybe people aren't "buying into his agenda" as much as he likes to think.
Hey, remember back in Season One when Roger Stone testified under oath that he didn't communicate directly with Wikileaks? And Wikileaks insisted that Roger Stone never communicated directly with Wikileaks? Well it turns out Roger Stone communicated directly with Wikileaks.
But I'm sure he's telling the truth about everything else. He's just got a face you can trust, y'know?
At some point in this shitstorm, the Drudge Report took a brave little stab at setting the narrative, announcing that Shartleby the Scrivener had named Brad Parscale as his 2020 campaign manager. It was kinda cute. Then the AP dropped a little tidbit about Parscale's ties to a penny-stock fraudster, and we all moved on to the legitimately crazy stuff.
Let's check in on the state of the gun debate. Why, I'm sure it's balanced and rational, dominated by by sensible ideas designed to respect everyone's rights while simultaneously making people safer. Boring, probably.
...oh, hell.
Ex Republican CongressFuck Jason Chaffetz helpfully offered the advice that what these mouthy Marjory Stoneman kids need isn't gun control, but JESUS. In Jason's Bible, I guess God sent his only son to Earth to tell children to suck it the fuck up, cower behind their bulletproof backpacks, and hope the shooter has a bigger grudge with the kids in the classroom down the hall.
For extra fun, Marjory Stoneman has a large number of Jewish students, just to add a little Evangelical Supremacy to Chaffetz' general shittiness. "Maybe if you picked MY God, you wouldn't have experienced this horrific trauma in the first place, EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, INFIDELS?"
And, because we live in fucking awful times, that shit is somehow not even the nuttiest story on the Firearms/Religious Lunatics axis.
The Alabama Senate passed a measure to deploy the most fearsome anti-shooter measure of all: the TEN COMMANDMENTS! Yup, some old wannabe theocrat named Gerald Dial says his bill (which he's been pushing for years in oddly-non-massacre-preventing contexts) would prevent school shootings by displaying the 10 C's on school property, which would make potential shooters decide to NOT commit mass murder, I guess on the idea that they'd never stopped to consider that killing (and idol-making, while we're at it) is wrong.
Ok, we've got this gun problem figured out! Somebody tell Chris Murphy to pick out a new pet issue!
And we're STILL not at that craziest God n' Gunz story yet.
That honor falls to the blithering maniacs of the World Peace and Unification Sanctuary in Newfoundland, Pennsylvania, who laced the holy wine with a famous local meth-n-bath-salts cocktail, put on their CROWNS MADE OF BULLETS and had a big party to bless their assault rifles or some such crazy-ass shit.
Somebody shoulda locked all the doors from the outside. Stop by once a week to toss a couple jars of peanut butter and a fuckton of antipsychotic drugs through the window. Good gravy.
Of course, our actual government's behavior is only marginally less insane. The House decided to pass a new rule where they charge taxpayers for bulletproof vests...for themselves. The rest of us? We're on our own.
Smallhands Magoo, meanwhile, will merrily capitulate to one of the NRA's favorite bullshit diversions, and meet with video game makers, who, I'd like to remind you, do not make products that have ever been used in any mass shooting, or any other kind of shooting. Unlike certain irearm-fay anufacturers-may I could mention.
The Georgia legislature decided to send a big fat Fuck You to Delta Airlines over the high crime of ending their discount program partnership with the NRA. How fucking far gone do you have to be to lash out at one of the largest employers in your state in favor of the death merchant nutjobs who want to turn our public schools into armed compounds?
Having previously lost a fight with Yogurt, Alex Jones is on the brink of losing his YouTube channel, having yet again sicced his dirtbag followers on the grieving survivors of a mass-shooting, because he has a campground outhouse where other people have a soul.
And so he's begging for backup from one of the student activists, David Hogg, who Jones has claimed is a crisis actor involved in a deep state false flag blah blah blah blah who gives a fuck, the POINT is, the kid is just mercilessly dragging this piece of shit all up and down Twitter, and it's glorious to watch.
Boy howdy, the Florida state legislature never met a problem they didn't think they could solve by passing a ridiculous gun law. Yes, the originators of the murder-legalizing "stand your ground" scam are responding to the latest senseless tragedy by passing a $67 million bailout to the gun manufacturing industry, placing firearm-wielding "marshals" in every fucking school in the state, what could go wrong?
I swear, these loons will be holding hearings on repurposing medical research funds before we know it. "Cancer: Has Anybody Tried Shooting It?"
Even as Florida rushed to implement their brilliant plan, another group of children, this time in Georgia, got treated to a traumatizing day full of terror, as one of their teachers discharged a firearm in his classroom. So yeah, let's toss a few hundred thousand MORE guns into our schools. Makes sense.
Didja see that fucking gun meeting? Donnie Dotard loved the fawning obsequiousness the press lavished him with when he held that immigration meeting a few weeks back, and he wanted another hit. So he invited the cameras back to watch him blunder through a discussion on an issue he understands about as well as my cat understands particle physics.
On the one hand, he basically endorsed an Everytown wish list, from expanding background checks to banning bump stocks to raising age restrictions to even considering an assault rifle ban.
On the other, everybody understands our President is a doofus/goon/moron/doorknob/twit/schmuck/idiot who doesn't understand anything about anything, that he'll walk everything back after Wayne LaPierre yells at him for half an hour, and that Congressional Republicans will certainly try to get away with doing as little as possible anyway.
For extra fun, he suggested "Hey, let's just start taking people's guns away, because DUE PROCESS IS FOR CUCKS," which basically makes him the precise cartoon caricature of Obama the lunatic gun fringe always warned against, but somehow he still hasn't shaken the faith of his loyal Rube Army, bless their little hearts.
I guess some clever fellow tried to sneak one past the Nobel Peace Prize people, forging a nomination for everyone's least favorite Halloween Peeps Candy Accident. Gosh, between the horrific increase in civilian casualties from U.S. military operations and the lifetime of sexual assault, it's hard to imagine anyone worthier.
Shit, if anybody deserves the fucking thing, it's whichever Secret Service agent is tasked with tackling Fat Q*Bert whenever he tries to nuke Cleveland because of something LeBron James said. Put that guy on Mount Rushmore.
Steve Mnuchbag stopped by UCLA to give a little talk, but he was booed and heckled (because he's a great big asshole, you see), and Steve got real sad and told UCLA they couldn't release the video but he forgot that cellular telephones exist, and are in fact quite affordable, so there are plenty of videos of The Heckling, which you shouldn't watch unless you want to make your Treasury Secretary sad.
Anti-Semitic incidents saw their largest-ever increase during the first year of the Very Fine People administration, A COINCIDENCE, I'M SURE. Congratulations, Mr. President, you've finally found a metric where you're outpacing Obama. Of course, you've cut funding to the groups that fight this sort of thing, so it's almost like you're encouraging this shit. HASHTAG MAGA.
Getting back to Jared for a moment...Jesus Fuck, this kid's having a Matthew-Broderick-in-ELECTION-style week, isn't he? I assume at this point, he's just stumbling around the White House lawn, stepping on rake after rake after rake.
But yeah, now he's been caught giving White House meetings, even offering powerful government jobs, to people who gave his shitty criminal family nine-figure loans. Golly, I wonder when he even found time to work on that whole Middle East thing.
Anyhoo.
Turns out our beloved First Lady, she of the anti-bullying campaign that has thus far failed to extend to even to the other side of the bed, got her green card through a program designed for the truly elite, folks with "sustained national and international acclaim," known as the "Einstein visa." It appears she qualified because of some swimsuit photos. I have questions.
Hey, remember that Putin guy? The one the American President won't enforce congressionally-mandated sanctions on? Well, he had some fun today, talking up his new Mega-Rad Invincible Unblockable SuperNukez (We're all very impressed, Vlad) in a presentation highlighted by a VIDEO OF A NUCLEAR MISSILE STRIKE ON FLORIDA.
Hit him right in the golf resort. Stone cold.
...I just want my President to be harder on a dude who pulls shit like that than he is on Jemele Hill, is that really so fucking much to ask?
Our Ambassador to Mexico is stepping down, probably because she's tired of starting out every meeting by wearily repeating, "My boss wants me to ask if you've changed your mind about paying for a 20 billion dollar barrier between our counties?"
I'm sure her replacement will be some basement-dwelling redditor from Stephen Miller's Overwatch team.
And now we discover that Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and his merry band of collaborators on the House Intelligence Committee leaked some of Senator Mark Warner's texts in a frantic bid to discredit Warner, who is, unlike Devin and Co., actually trying to protect his country from a foreign attack.
Given this administration's well-publicized anti-leak stance, I'm sure they'll call for Devin's resignation, because they are nothing if not ethically consistent. I typed that with a totally straight face. Really I did.
Inside the Shart House, I guess the wheels finally came off the wagon with the Hicks resignation. People are swinging from chandeliers, barricades have sprung up in the hallways, and the Kelly faction and the Javanka faction are in the early stages of developing their own culturally unique code languages and war paint.
Staffers are desperately seeking work elsewhere, but it turns out "low-level accessory to emoluments violations and treason" isn't an enticing resume-topper.
To these poor enablers, I want to extend all the appropriate sympathy, which is FUCKING NO SYMPATHY AT ALL, YOU COLLABORATING FUCKS. You knew what you were getting into. You saw the hate rallies. You heard the Access Hollywood tape. You signed up anyway. You made your choice. Wear it, like a Scarlet Letter, painted in fecal matter on your fucking forehead, for the remainder of your shitty, misbegotten lives.
President Poostain himself, unmoored, unhinged, desperate to change the subject and rack up some sort of "win," blundered out on television, where, safe from his killjoy advisors, he finally announced the opening salvo in his long-desired trade war.
And, WONDER OF WONDERS, all the bad things everybody told him would happen if he did such a dumbfuck thing...happened! Almost immediately! The stock market plummeted. Members of his own party tripped over one another to go on TV to shit on him. And of course, the entire world, including allies like Canada and the E.U., threatened retaliation.
But Donnie Dotard doesn't care. He has visions of steel mills popping up like dandelions clouding his vision. "They'll love me then, you'll see, Dad! They'll finally all fill in the cavernous emptiness that's existed in my soul since you sent me to military school, DAD!"
Smarter folks than I have pointed out that maybe starting a trade war with China right when you need their help reining in North Korea is kind of thing only a Great Big Fucking Dope would do. Well, thanks to the electoral college, a Great Big Fucking Dope is exactly who gets to make these decisions. YAY.
Ok, there absolutely can't POSSIBLY be anyth- WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? No, Utah House of Representatives, I do not have time for your White Folks Rapping video. Fuck you. TODAY IS NOT THE DAY FOR THIS SHIT.
While we're on Utah, it seems Orrin Hatch has given up on the whole "pretending to respect his constituents" thing now that his days of facing voters are behind him. If you're one of those types who likes Obamacare, perhaps because it gave you health insurance or even life-saving treatment, Old Man Hatch wants you know what a big doodoobrained "dumbass" you are.
What's great, Utah, is that he's ALWAYS held common people in this much contempt, but you just kept sending him back to Washington anyway. I'm sure Mitt Romney will give you the same treatment, fucking you over with an big empty smile on his face.
Affable HateYokel Mike Huckabee got booted from the Country Music Association Foundation board after just one day, because he's a despicable bigot who has no place in decent society, and godDAMN it's nice to see people finally treating him like one.
I'm TRYING to get to the end of this goddamn post, I really am, but news just keeps breaking...
Now NBC says the Mueller investigation is preparing a fresh batch of charges for the group of Russians responsible for hacking and distributing the DNC/Podesta emails. And there was a great changing of underpants amongst the President's inner circle.
That Mueller guy's all over EVERYTHING, isn't he? I'm paying off my library fines, just in case.
And now Princess Ivanka finally has an FBI investigation of her very own! That won't upset her daddy at all! Why, after the low-key week he's having, I'm sure he'll take this news in stride and not do anything insane like declare war on Finland.
...I'm too old to be drafted, right?
I see Former Drumpf Campaign Official/Celebrity Stool Pigeon Rick Gates had to cancel a planned family spring break excursion to Boston because of threats from the Russian Mafia. That's a tough break, you cheap traitor, but hey, I bet you can parlay it into the next screenplay in the National Lampoon's Vacation series! SILVER LININGS!
Ok...fucking hell. I think that's all of it. Or most of it. I'm sure that, at the very moment I'm typing this, Steve Bannon is getting arrested for sacrificing a goat in a ceremony designed to summon an Elder God or something, but I no longer care. This ruined world can have its relentless, unforgiving news cycle. I'mma watch old Duck Tales cartoons until sleep, blessed sleep, wraps me in her news-obliterating embrace. Fuck this shit.
PS, yeah, just when I'm at the end of my rope, NPR drops a story on the NRA's ties with a Putin-connected Russian politician. Tell you what, YOU read the fucking thing, tell me all about it in the morning.
*And yes, that means Devin Nunes would try to fuck him.
Today, We Gather as One People to Celebrate Our President's Hypothetical Bravery (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Great leaders inspire. Some with their actions, others with...proclamations of what they're pretty sure their actions would have been. Ok, maybe that second kind isn't so great. But it's what we're stuck with.
(I bet you know this by now, but this post can be found, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/trumps-hypothetical-bravery/)
I don't know if I covered this in the last blog, but Paul Manafort got himself a fresh set of shiny new indictments. It's like he's at the all-you-can-eat indictment bar, and really wants his money's worth, y'know? He probably got indicted again while you were reading this.
My point is, I reserve the right to periodically miss news of yet another Manafort indictment, because the fucker gets indicted like Jughead eats hamburgers. Going forward, unless specifically informed otherwise, assume Paul Manafort got indicted again.
Anyhoo, Paulie's sidekick Rick Gates has for real and for sure this time actually decided to take a plea deal and cooperate with the Bobadook. Unless he gets cold feet again at the sentencing. Such a flighty little money launderer!
Don't ask Gates to pick out a restaurant, is all I'm saying.
Before we move on, I want to make sure everybody takes an extra moment to laugh at Manafort, who seems to gotten caught at least in part because he needed help converting a document from PDF format to Word. "I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you kids and your newfangled computers!" he'll bellow, as he's led away in chains.
...you sort of expect the whole house of cards to eventually come tumbling down because Mike Pence never cleared the treason e-mails out of his spam folder.
The NRA's meltdown continues, as the American people continue to rally around a controversial, new, "Tired of Being Murdered" platform.
Because they're nasty, hateful, dishonest, monsters with no good arguments, the gun nut crowd doesn't know what the fuck to do about the teenagers who are fucking up their shit so royally. So they just keep attacking the kids, which naturally backfires, because they are, after all, grieving children who never should have had to go through what they've gone through.
And when you attack grieving children, you look like a massive fuckwad. (I mean, if you attack grieving children, you ARE a massive fuckward.) So the teens keep spreading their message and gaining support, and every hour or so another dickhead loses their shit and starts screaming that a photo of some of them smiling is irrefutable proof that they're all crisis actors because everyone knows that experiencing grief means you never enjoy a single moment of your life ever again.
Still, the corporate partners keep fleeing, the polling has become genuinely brutal, and to be perfectly frank, the NRA just never bothered to prepare more than a few days' worth of bullshit talking points, because the Tread Water Until the Media Moves On strategy has served them so well for so long.
Georgia's Lieutenant Governor threatened Georgia-based Delta Airlines that they better give the death merchants their discounts back or boy oh boy will I retaliate when we're writing tax laws, which is pretty much the Most Free Market Thing Ever.
It sure is neat when elected officials threaten to punish companies that don't support said elected officials' favored lobbying organizations. Ah, the tyranny of Not Getting a Discount! Surely the founding fathers are rolling in their very graves at such injustice!
Now, staring down a midterm electoral spanking, and a foe who relentlessly refuses to stop absolutely owning them on social media, the GOP has shifted from "You can pry gun control laws from our cold dead hands" to "what's the bare minimum we can get away with doing?" which I guess counts as progress.
So today maybe we ban bump stocks and close background check loopholes...tomorrow we boot NRA stooges from congress in a beautiful blue wave.
Oh, but the Shart campaign is actually FUNDRAISING off a picture of his blink-and-you'll-miss-me, hurry-up-I'm-late-for-a-disco-party, pop-in visit with a hospitalized shooting victim, because hey, when you've left decency so far behind you, why bother with appearances?
Another survivor commented that she'd "never been so unimpressed by a person in my life," after receiving an awkward condolence call from the Amazing Man Without Empathy, and the rest of America was all "I feel you, sister."
Anyway, I bet the strategy of bombarding the survivors with death threats will work out really well for you, gun nuts. Truly, what does the American public love more? Who can forget Paul Revere's famous Midnight Anonymous Death Threat Marathon?
The annual gathering of frothy maniacs known as CPAC came to an end with one prominent speaker musing about what a mistake it was that one time they let a black guy be RNC chair and also are we 100% sure that surrendering at the end of the Civl War is totally binding?
Meanwhile, another speaker got roundly booed and heckled for saying a bunch of total libtard shit like "Maybe we shouldn't invite white supremacists to talk at our conventions," "sexual assault is bad and therefore sexual assaulters are bad," and of course the straight-out-of-Alinksy "running child molesters for United States Senate is an additional thing which is bad."
Nice folks, that CPAC crowd.
"Senior Advisor" Ivanka Trump played diplomat in South Korea over the weekend, because while we COULD leave statecraft to experienced professionals, really, what does the government of the United States of America exist for, if not to let the President's daughter try on various critical jobs like so many hats?
Maybe next week she'll head over to the FDA to approve whatever drugs happen to be dispensed in pills that compliment her fall handbag line.
While Princess Ivanka wants you to know that growing up playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego qualifies her to conduct diplomacy at the highest levels, she is simultaneously an unjustly put-upon private citizen when a journalist asks her to comment on her father's well-documented history of being a skeevy, rapey, pervert.
Yeah, the Princess gets super-indignant when that shit comes up, because she really wants to be known as a Mighty Champion of Women Everywhere without actually, y'know...doing anything to champion women anywhere. And also letting her "I own a beauty pageant so I can ogle naked teenagers" shitsack dad off the hook.
I'm starting to wonder if Demanding Credit for Being an Awesome Person When You're Actually a Garbage Person might not be genetic.
Adam Schiff's memo was finally released, and it immediately slapped Devin Nunes' memo right in the face with its giant dick. If memos had faces. Or dicks. Which I don't believe they do, though the Schiff memo is heavily redacted.
Anyway, the new memo reveals Nunes is a lying liar who lies about everything, from the origins of the Russia investigation to the sweet nothings he whispers in the ears of the British Saddleback he's had an on-again, off-again thing with since September.
(He'll never leave his wife, Beulah. You should find someone who appreciates you.)
Word on the street is, Sharty McFly wants to make his personal pilot the head of the whole fucking Federal Aviation Administration. Fine. Whatever. Oh, by the way, Stormy Daniels is Chairman of the Joint Chiefs now.
The Velveeta Vulgarian's lawyers continue their desperate search for some reason, other than "C'mon, man, you can't put him under oath, he'll lie about what color his tie is!" to shield their client from an interview with Robert Mueller. The latest, and most laughable tack is that he's...hold on, this is hard to even type...he's...heheheheheh...he's too...HAHAHAHAHAHH...too BUSY!
BUSY! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH! Oh fuck. Couldn't interrupt the four hours of live-tweeting cable news, right? Or the weekly golf vacations?
Axios reports that Tangerine Idi Amin talks privately about imposing the death penalty on drug dealers, because the leader of the free world looks upon a murderous thug like Rodrigo Duterte with envy, heaven help us all.
CNN informed us that none of the six Republican Congressdopes heading the committees tasked with oversight of the executive branch will investigate the Marmalade Shartcannon's personal finances because...hell, because they know they'd turn up a fuckton of extremely illegal shit, and they'd just rather not do that.
Whatever. We'll just have to pry those gavels out of their grubby, collaborating, hands. The midterms are closer than they've ever been, fuckheads.
...Now they're even closer.
A new NBC/Marist poll says 82% of registered voters laughed their fucking asses off when they heard Donnie Dotard claim he would've run into the Parkland high school during the shooting, wrestling the assailant to the ground with his entirely normal-sized man hands.
Yes, Fat Q*Bert's tales of hypothetical bravery were met with what historians will likely call The Great National Eyeroll of 2018. And then of course we spent the rest of the day talking about how he's a draft dodging coward who's afraid of everything from germs to stairs.
Be honest...how many times did you watch that gif of him cowering next to that eagle? I'm at like, 60.
Before I sign off, let's check in on the Shitty Cinemax Softcore Porn Film known as...MISSOURI POLITICS!
Recently Indicted (Though Not Nearly as Many Times as Paul Manafort) Governor Eric Greitens now faces an investigation by the Mizzou State House, plus calls to resign from members of his own party. The moral of the story here is DON'T TIE PEOPLE UP NAKED SO YOU CAN TAKE PHOTOS TO BLACKMAIL THEM WITH, which apparently is a lesson we need to be teaching people in these troubled times. Aesop had some blind spots, I guess.
And serial pedophile Roy Moore popped up to endorse Douchey Woman-Hater Courtland Sykes in the state's GOP Senate primary, because there's an angel up there looking out for Claire McCaskill, and it is an angel with one sick sense of humor.
...I look forward to the Moore/Sykes Presidential ticket in 2020, running as candidates of the Why Isn't Dinner on the Table Yet, Child Bride? Party.
And I guess ex-Fux Nooz commentator Stacey Dash has decided to run for congress. She's picked a heavily Democratic district and a wave year, so you have to wonder...does she think she can really win, or is she just...CLUELESS? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHH GET IT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN A MOVE CALLED 'CLUELESS' I BET I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE THAT JOKE HAHAAHAHAH!
...sorry.
Anyhow, it is Shower Cap's one and only BIRTHDAY tomorrow, so I'm gonna turn in early. Celebrate the occasion by spreading my stuff around like so much manure. (Or, if you're so inclined...buy me a beer!)
Nut Punches to the NRA AND Humiliation for Marco Rubio? What Should I do with my 3rd Wish? (Ferret)
In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that Shower Cap is still a bit under the weather tonight, and thus tonight's post was composed by a crisis blogger.
(Post available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/nut-punches-nra-humiliation-marco-rubio-third-wish/)
Bad news for the deluded fools who imagined Mitt Romney's Utah Senate run would herald the return of decency to the Republican Party, as Mittens wasted no time whatsoever abasing himself over the Marmalade Shartcannon's endorsement.
You almost feel sorry for these guys. Like, do you not remember how quickly all of Mitt's bold criticisms of Trump vanished into thin air once he got a whiff of the Secretary of State post? Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, Mitt Romney gotta pander. Death, taxes, Mitt Romney abandoning his loudly-professed "values."
Fresh drama on The Real Jagoffs of the Executive Branch! General Kelly and Jared Kushner are having a slap fight over access to highly classified intelligence! Kelly takes the How the Fuck is This Even a Little Bit Controversial position that if you, say, can't get your security clearance because of the OVER ONE HUNDRED LIES, excuse me, "errors and ommisions" on your clearance forms, then maybe you shouldn't get to casually peruse the most sensitive information on the planet.
Jar-Jar counters that he really WANTS to keep getting top secret intel, because it makes him feel like a big special boy and he needs all the help he can get to get out of financial trouble and also to "bring peace to the Middle East," snicker snicker.
I SWEAR I read something about Republicans being mad at Hillary Clinton over her irresponsible handling of classified intel, but that can't be right, that would mean all these people are enormous hypocrites!
...wait.
And National Security Advisor/Non-Turkish Agent H.R. McMaster may be on the way out! Donnie Two-Scoops is super mad that H.R. said mean things about the Russians interfering in our elections, and hey, having one competent guy hanging around makes everyone else look bad, right?
McMaster's replacement is rumored to be a Teddy Ruxpin doll equipped with a cassette tape filled with compliments of the President's hair.
But most of the news this week has been about guns and gun control. Normally, the media has moved on from the latest mass shooting tragedy by now, but these Stoneman Douglas kids are savvy as fuck, and they've just been tap-dancing on the NRA's balls for days now, with no signs of letting up.
Several surviving students travelled to the Florida capital, just in time to sit in the gallery as the House voted overwhelmingly to not even bother going through the motions of pretending to consider an assault weapons ban.
Understandably, the students became emotional, because it sucks to see the people who're supposed to be your representatives stand right in front of you, middle fingers raised high, declaring that they don't give a fuck about your suffering and won't do one fucking thing to spare anyone else the same fate.
Perhaps I'm being too hard on Florida legislature. They were, in all fairness, busy declaring pornography a public health risk. Surely, who can forget the tragedy that took place when that one guy rampaged through a school, killing 17 students and teachers with a sticky VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas?
...hang on.
Dinesh D'Souza, reading the moment with Trumpian clarity, took the children's despair as cue for a victory lap. "In your FACE, kids-whose-friends-were-murdered!!!!! GOOOOOOO TEAM MURDER!"
There are no longer intellectuals in the Republican Party, only trolls.
And Dinesh isn't even the shittiest shitsack to open up their shit mouth and vomit their diarrhea into the world.
GOP CongressDemon Claudia Tenney, apparently super-eager for her really-quite-swingable district's voters to boot her indecent ass straight to the private sector, raged about how the LIBRUL MEDIA covers up how mass shooters are usually Dirty Democrats like how "Dylann Roof" is really David Plouffe's stage name for when he does his cabaret show and also shoots up churches.
Point is, Tenney is hot trash and we really need to make sure that Blue Wave saves a splash for the New York 22nd.
And let's not forget Shart, Jr., merrily spreading the vilest conspiracy theories from the most deranged corners of the far-right jagosphere. Again, how utterly broken do you have to be to require a deep state conspiracy to explain anti-gun activism from a kid whose classmates were murdered?
Anyway, forget the asshole brigade for a minute. Let's stand up and applaud these teenagers! You see these young people standing up right in the face of the NRA's paid stooges, calling them exactly what they are, which is uncaring profiteers, and you wonder...why didn't we do this ages ago?
And shit, y'all...watching these clips of Marco Rubio getting so thoroughly OWNED, over and over, by these kids, and their teachers and parents...I'll never need pornography again. It's the sexxxiest thing I've ever seen.
Rubio, the emptiest shirt this side of Hawley Griffin, panicked and pandered a bit, but swiftly took to the Electronic Tweeting Machine to reassure his death merchant masters of his fidelity.
NRA SpokesDemon Dana Loesch was on her best behavior, and let's talk about what it says about the state of your soul when your BEST behavior involves so much deception, condescension, and concern trolling.
Loesch didn't have to wait long to wash the stink of faux decency off. The very next day, before the raving hoards at CPAC, she belched up some bile about mass shootings being the media's fault, because...well, there's never any "because," not really. There doesn't need to be. That audience doesn't need details, just a target to hate.
(Also at CPAC, Ted Cruz boasted about his role in keeping weapons of war legally available to any asshole who wants them, I guess because he feels he's not getting enough credit for the 17 Parkland funerals. He went on to declare Democrats the "party of Lisa Simpson," because resentment of intelligence is a core conservative value.)
Now, the Quivering Custard Coward was absolutely not man enough to attend to the CNN town hall, so he hosted his own "listening session," with a friendlier crowd in much safer space. Few were the calls for gun control, and the big takeaway was that the President of the United States of America required a cheat sheet to be reminded to demonstrate empathy, because he is a sociopath who otherwise would've started hitting on the high school girls.
(Can we talk about the kind of human being who needs to write "I hear you" down? We've got a President who couldn't handle a customer service gig at the Gap.)
Anyhow, the Velveeta Vulgarian displayed the full range of his mental prowess, suggesting that one thing that might help would be if movies and video games had some sort of "ratings" system designed to keep children away from excessively violent content.
Yeah, that happened, folks. In real life. Next week he'll hold a press conference to call for cup holders in automobiles.
Oh, and he wants to arm teachers. He's particularly pleased with the economics of his little idea, because it's cheaper than hiring armed guards. Yep, while making sure everyone's up to speed on the Pythagorean theorem, or exploring the themes of MADAME BOVARY, your overworked-and-underpaid public school teacher will now be expected to keep the corner of their eye on the classroom door, prepared to stave off a mass-murderer at a moment's notice. MAKES SENSE.
Meanwhile, we also learned that during the Parkland shooting, the designated "good guy with a gun," a sheriff's deputy, rather than engaging the shooter...froze. Now, this is sad for all kinds of reasons, and I don't want to dump on this guy, he's gonna spend the rest of his life punishing himself, and he probably should.
But can we at least learn the important lesson here? So much of the lunacy from the gibbering gun nut crowd is based on the idea that only MORE guns will make us safer, because once the bullets start flying, Captain Good Guy, despite his lack of experience or training, will calmly put two or three right between the (more heavily-armed) shooter's eyes, EASY-PEASY.
So, honestly, HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE to imagine it'd be that simple? Here we have a trained, professional, law-enforcement officer who FROZE. There are all kinds of dispiriting statistics out there regarding the shooting accuracy of ACTUAL COPS. News flash, cowboys; a live shooter situation is a WEE BIT more stressful than Call of Duty. YES, EVEN THE LAST FEW LEVELS.
Just a suggestion, but maybe we should stop considering the baseless fantasies of underdeveloped manchildren when we're sorting out life or death issues.
But the news is better than it's ever been. Things really are different this time. "Yeah, we've heard that before!" shouts the cynic in the back. Fair.
But looka here: the NRA's brand is FINALLY becoming as toxic as it deserves to be, and the corporate partnerships are evaporating. First National Bank of Omaha announced they're discontinuing their NRA (10% cash back on bullets that murder children!) credit card. And later in the day, a major car rental conglomerate pulled out, too.
It's gonna take awhile, but we've finally got these fuckers on the run. November 6th is going to be a very bad night for the National Rifle Association.
Iowa Republican CongressThing Rod Blum violated some ethics rules, probably because he's seeking a cabinet post, and if you don't have a few crimes on your resume, you can't even get your foot in the door these days.
Oh, and the GOP has paid Donnie Dotard's ex-bodyguard, Keith Schiller, more than 75 grand out a slush fund with is totally not hush money, shut up, your FACE is hush money!
Didja see that thing where the President of United States threatened to withdraw a law enforcement agency from a state he's mad at, the idea being, the ensuing crime wave would make them so sorry that they'd come crawling back and beg him to unleash his ICEstapo on them once more, and also maybe teach them how to tie their neckties so freakishly long, we're sorry for mocking it, it's actually really stylish?
So apparently Rick Gates will NOT be rolling over and plea bargaining just yet. Instead, he's got his legal team playing musical chairs, I think he's claiming to be represented by Paul Newman's character from THE VERDICT by now.
Anyhow, Bob Mueller said, "That's cool, bro, you do you," and promptly slapped him (and Manafort) upside the head with a fresh new 32-count indictment. THIRTY-TWO. FUCK.
If they've been keeping up their punch cards, Manafort and Gates will eligible for a free indictment soon!
Mueller also indicted Dutch lawyer Alex van der Zwaan, son-in-law of a Tremendously Fancy Russia Oligarch, for his attempts to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D and kill Nick Fury. Excuse me, for "lying to investigators."
The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services' mission will no longer include language about our country being "a nation of immigrants" because didn't you get the memo, white people are totally native to this continent now, in fact Stephen Miller sprung, fully formed, from his own forehead!
Hey, if you were hoping to see video of a Nazi with outstanding warrants physically threatening an American journalist, Seb Gorka has good news for you!
Just to wrap up on a note of raw schadenfreude, Missouri Governor Eric Greitens' non-consensual-dirty-picture-taking habit caught up with him in a big fucking way. Yes, 49 of our governors were not taken into custody by law enforcement today; the other one was Eric Greitens.
Greitens, a protege of Mike Pence, is 31 flavors of fucked now. Indicted by a grand jury, with an investigation by the state House about to launch, I don't think he's a GOP "rising star" anymore, do you?
Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark tweeted a widely-debunked story about CNN banning a kid from the town hall for refusing to read a scripted question. No biggie, just the leader of the free world using his platform to spread misinformation as part of his ongoing war on the free press.
There's probably more, but I really need to watch those Rubio videos some more.
Happy Presidents Day, Ya Filthy Animal: On Decency, Disco, and Doping While Curling
Well, because the Deep State fears my work, they have infected me once again with the stomach flu. I've vomited on this blog post several times. I did my best to clean it up, but make sure to sanitize your screen after reading. (Or, get the post cleaner, and with links at: http://showercapblog.com/happy-presidents-day-ya-filthy-animal-decency-disco-doping-curling/)
It doesn't feel right to celebrate Presidents Day this year, not with this President. You shouldn't get the day off school, there should be extra school. We should all have to mine coal for five hours while the PA system broadcasts a documentary on the dangers of fake news, narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.
The level of day-to-day fuckery is so high with this malicious clown, it seems to take something truly obscene to genuinely shock us anymore.
Well, Donald J. Trump, (The "J" stands for "No way 'empathy' is a real word, General Kelly, you just made that up!"
bitter at being trapped inside his club but unable to golf (wow, there's a Twilight Zone moment for ya) for two whole days in order to maintain the facade that he gives half a rat's ass about anybody, least of all the children murdered in Parkland, took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to expose the darkest shit-stained corners of his withered, decaying, soul.
Sure, there was all the anticipated whining, the blame deflection, the nonsensical, dishonest, babbling about Obama and Hillary and the dossier. All that, while deeply humiliating for this nation we love, was, alas, totally expected.
But that wasn't enough, was it?
No, the Hairplug That Ate Decency, who remains too cowardly to face the the activist survivors of the Parkland shooting, who fled his responsibilities as the nation's consoler-in-chief by flitting as quickly as possible through a couple of token photo ops with a shiteating grin and a thumbs up, had the audacity to prop up the dead bodies of murdered children as shield to cower behind.
If only the FBI wasn't spending so much time on the Russia investigation (and even he doesn't dare call it a hoax anymore, not after the latest indictments), the shooting wouldn't have happened. That's the story. The men and women working to protect the country from a hostile foreign adversary are somehow to blame for this senseless act of violence, for they are investigating poor, put-upon, Donald Trump.
God, the obscenity of it.
Won't say a single word condemning Russia for attacking us. Won't lift a finger to protect the country he is literally in charge of protecting. Instead, he assaults the nation's law enforcement for uncovering a crime, using the casualties of an unspeakable tragedy as his cudgel.
He went to a fucking DISCO PARTY rather than meet with anyone who might make him a little bit uncomfortable. A DISCO PARTY.
Fortunately, America is packed to the gills with citizens possessing far greater decency than their President.
The teenage survivors of the shooting are leading the charge, and it's Capra-on-steroids-level inspiring. They're calling BS. They're organizing marches. Others have called for a nationwide school walkout.
You folks just tell me where to stand.
GOP donor Al Hoffman, Jr. says he's shutting off that sweet cashmoney spigot until Republicans agree to support an assault weapons ban. Rick Scott, drenched with sweat and freaking out from withdrawal, was all "C'mon, man, just a taste, we're friends," but so far Al has held firm. Here's hoping a few more follow his example.
Meanwhile the usual suspects are deploying their usual tactics, hoping to deflect the outrage until the nation moves on. Everybody's blaming their own personal favorite scapegoat.
The religious right blames America's declining morality, while circling the wagons around the pussygrabbing traitor.
Jeff Sessions helpfully suggests gangs had something to do with a man who was not in a gang committing mass murder.
And Steve Bannon probably blames the rising cost of gin. Who the fuck cares what these bought-and-paid-for lackeys say? Push them out of the way, especially when we VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, and let's build a world where nobody has to listen to some blathering idiot claiming armed teachers and bulletproof backpacks are the answer EVER AGAIN.
And of course, no shooting tragedy is complete without the jibbering maniacs of the far-right declaring the whole thing was massive false flag staged conspiracy! I think it says a lot about a person when they can't understand why someone would speak out against guns after their teachers and classmates were murdered.
Some people actually care...about other people. Shocking, I know.
Oh, and getting back to the unfiltered indecency for a minute, a White House official even expressed gratitude for the massacre, because it forced the Rob Porter scandal out of the headlines, and gave Team Obscene a little "reprieve."
Jesus Fuck. What's truly disgusting is, that off-the-record official is totally right. John Kelly should absolutely be fired for giving a serial domestic abuser access to classified intel when he couldn't get a security clearance, but Florida took the heat off. LUCKY BREAK, HUH, GENERAL?
Y'know what disqualifies you from advising this President? Expertise. In any field. If you know anything about anything, Government Cheese Goebbels doesn't wanna hear from you.
Y'know what qualifies you to advise this President? Dropping the $200,000 Marm-a-Lago membership fee right into his shitty little pocket, next to the ketchup packets he always keeps handy in case somebody surprises him with a steak.
Looks like Spittle-Drenched Conspiracy-Monger Wayne Allyn Root took advantage of the opportunity, no doubt to urge sensible action. Or wait, maybe he just wants every American school patrolled by flying death robots. Sounds reasonable.
Gosh, I got so caught up exploring the insane state of the gun debate in this country, I almost forgot the thing where the Mueller investigation detailed a massive foreign conspiracy to interfere in our elections, and also the other bit where the President of the United States doesn't seem to care much.
A Shart House SpokesDope insisted boogeymen like "Democrats" and "the media" were actually much worse than the Russians, because exposing a crime, or working to punish the perpetrators and make sure they don't do it again is much much worse than committing the crime in the first place. Duh. Law school 101.
Anyway, it's super fun poking around the embarrassingly-simple troll farm operations that tore our country apart and installed a Broken Down Diaper Service Truck in our most powerful office. "Even the trolls" were surprised at what they could get the armies of enraged rubes to believe.
After Pizzagate, nothing would surprise me. If anybody's planning a War of the Worlds type radio show, let's hold off for a more discerning populace, 'kay?
So Rick Gates will indeed plead guilty and testify against his old partner, Paul, who is now more #Manafucked than ever. Neat.
If we can take a step back for a minute to look at the larger picture...we've got THREE high ranking officials on the Drumpf campaign who are now confessed felons, one of whom served as National Security Advisor, with a fourth under indictment.
Somehow we've agreed to this narrative where SHARTUS isn't in any real trouble unless "collusion" is proved, but we have AN ENTIRE CAMPAIGN RUN BY FELONS, and I don't think people care as much about that as they should.
It seems Scott Pruitt has some sort of special "waiver" that lets him fly first class (at your expense and mine) whenever he feels like going anyplace. My sources tell me this "waiver" comes in the form of a laminated hall pass, and that the other kids in the Cabinet are jealous of Scott for hogging it, and Ryan Zinke is tired of riding in the back with the peasants.
Speaking of the unwashed masses, Donnie Dotard's budget calls for the elimination of the program that provides heating assistance subsidies to low income citizens, because to Republicans, if you're poor, you don't deserve to live.
HA HA WHAT A FUNNY JOKE, CAP, "IF YOU'RE POOR..." oh wait that really is what their whole philosophy comes down to, isn't it, ha...ha? I wonder how "If you're poor, you don't deserve to live" would look on a red ballcap?
And Shartboy, Jr., is taking a little trip to India to see if he can't parlay access to his gullible dipshit dad into some quick n' easy cash. Despite not being a government official of any kind, Junior will be delivering a "foreign policy" speech, which will likely consist of showing off the 7th grade geography quiz he finally passed last week.
Pennsylvania Republicans are throwing a shitfit today, and not just because women and black people can vote. Y'see, the state Supreme Court handed down their new congressional district map, and it is no longer Gerrymandered For Their Pleasure. Under the new map, Dems have a good chance to pick up a seat or two or three, which Republicans say is unfair, because on a level playing field, they'll actually pay a political price for garbage policies.
CNN reports Mueller's interest in Jared Kushner is growing, which really shouldn't surprise us. After all, for the first 30 minutes of the movie, Mueller was always talking about how irritating he found young Jar-Jar, and you know that always means they end up getting together in the end.
I guess Bashful Bob sees something there he never saw before. Is it the tilt of his head, the glint in his eye? Or could it be his well-publicized desperation to leverage his government post for a Kushner family bailout?
We may never know, but...Young Luv, right?
Hey, just because the Super Bowl has come and gone doesn't mean we're not still ready for some FOOTBALL, right? In this case, the nuclear football! Axios reports a "scuffle" in China, over That Thing That Can Launch Commands to End All Life on Earth.
So that's fun. A little slapstick over the nuclear football, some dumbass got caught doping FOR CURLING, and KFC's out of chicken. Sounds about right. See you at the Mad Hatter's place, round about tea time.
Oh, and there's a MAGA dating site now. You have to take an IQ test to sign up, and if you pass, they don't let you in.
I'm putting this up a little early tonight, so I get back to my NyQuil-infused dreams. I hope I pick up where I left off last night, I was in the middle of an adaptation of Der Ring des Nibelungen as imagined by Julie Taymor in partnership with Timothy Leary. Hour six. Good shit.
Mueller Sends Late Valentines to 13 Russian Friends, and Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)
This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror.
But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet's all-you-can-stomach news buffet. Wheeeeee. As always, check out the madness, with links, at http://showercapblog.com/mueller-sends-late-valentines-13-russian-friends/
So the Republican Party is back to doing what it does best; increasing human suffering! This time, the House GOP voted to undermine the Americans with Disabilities Act, because...fuck it, I don't have any jokes. Because they're bad people, ok?
With the tax bill, and the immigration debate, and gun control, and health care, and Trump, and all the other shit they've put us through this last year-and-change, let's just call a spade a spade. These are shitty people, and they do shitty things. There. I said it. I feel great.
Anyhoo, see where the Velveeta Urinal Cake gave himself a sturdy pat on the back for getting GM to relocate a factory from South Korea to Detroit, only that isn't a thing that's actually happening because he just made it up?
I only bring this up to mention that my chain of Bathrobe-and-Luchador-Mask shops will soon be expanding into not only Detroit, but Oz, Latveria, Narnia, and Arrakis.
A little light grifting over at the Department of Veterans affairs, where the Secretary's Chief of Staff resigned after getting caught doctoring e-mails to force upon the American people the privilege of paying for the Secretary's wife's vacation. Honestly, this seems hardly worth mentioning amidst the larger crimes of this cabal. Call me when you build a soundproof booth in your office, you fucking amateurs.
Speaking of Scott Pruitt, he says that because he got yelled at a couple of times, he's entitled to a taxpayer-funded first class safe space whenever he travels. Pruitt added that it's "really cool that Americans are willing to work so hard to provide me with the extra leg room and all those little tiny wine bottles. I'd thank you all, but I'm kind of a dick."
Turning things over to our gossip columnist for a moment, look out ladies! It seems Rob Porter is back on the market!
...seriously, though. Look out. He's a serial domestic abuser, and I imagine he's unusually angry these days, even by his own standards. If you see Rob Porter, just call the police. Unless you have mace, in which case, mace him, and then call the police.
The fallout of the Porter shitstorm also turned up more than 100 Shart House staffers working without permanent security clearances. So yeah, you're looking at intelligence at the highest levels of classification being handled by...who the fuck knows? An oh-so-blackmailable wife-beater, and Jared Kushner, who just amended his security forms AGAIN because he keeps forgetting all the places he owes money? Dang, I feel safe.
I seem to remember some allegations of irresponsible handling of classified information being brought up once or twice during Hillary Clinton's campaign, but...y'know, I read a lot of stuff, I may just be imagining that.
Oh hey, Paul Manafort's sidekick rolled over on him? That Gates fellah? He's working on a plea deal and cooperating with the Mueller investigation? That's fun!
Hope you enjoyed that last Thanksgiving, Paulie, because now more than ever, you are truly...#Manafucked.
(Even more #Manafucked than I thought, I guess. While I was drafting, Bashful Bob turned up fresh new evidence of bank fraud on the former Drumpf campaign head's part. I'm starting to think there's something fishy about this Manafort fellow.)
Laura Ingraham has some ideas on who's allowed to have political opinions, and SPOILERZ, it certainly isn't black people!
Laura wants everyone to understand how super-deluxe-un-racist she is, even as she demands that LeBron James and Kevin Durant shut their (black) mouths and keep their (black) opinions to their (black) selves.
Yes, this is the same Ingraham that gave Trump a Nazi salute at the RNC back when we all still thought Americans were too decent to elect a Malignant HateClown President, by the way.
If you blinked, you probably missed the immigration "debate" Mitch McConnell, in his gracious majesty, permitted on the floor of the Senate. Since the Grifter Grand Wizard announced his intentions to veto any bill that didn't qualify as Pornography Custom-Made for Klansmen, two compromise bills with bipartisan support failed to overcome a Racist Shitbag, excuse me, "Republican Party" filibuster.
Of course, Trump's preferred bill (The "Stephen Miller Thinks It's So Sexy He Printed Out a Copy to Rub Sensually Across His Giant Bald Spot Act of 2018" failed hardest of all, managing only 39 votes. In related news, 39 Republican Senators are not so very different from the Very Fine People of the Charlottesville marches.
As you know, there was another horrific school shooting, with 17 fatalities. I don't understand how this happened, friends. I mean, after the last mass shooting, we did precisely nothing, so WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
Well, I'm sure the Absolutely Nothing we do this time will work much better than all the previous Absolutely Nothings.
Fat Q*Bert, like a good little NRA stooge, was quick to point to the shooter's mental health in the immediate aftermath, hoping no one would remember that time he signed a bill making it easier for people with mental illnesses to buy guns, or that time he called for massive cuts to mental health treatment.
And Senator Marco Rubio, notoriously Jell-O-legged on literally everything else, declared with the confidence of Moses walking down from the mountain that anyone who's ever committed a mass shooting would have absolutely found some magical method to kill exactly the same the number of people as they did with the assault rifles we make so readily available for reasons that defy sanity.
When asked to provide anything even remotely resembling evidence for the claim he pulled directly out his ass, Senator Rubio said, "No further comment, I have to spend the rest of the afternoon counting all the money the NRA has donated to my campaigns. If you guys could just play this interview on loop next time somebody murders a bunch of kids with an assault rifle, we can all save ourselves a bunch of time and hassle, k?"
If that guy in Las Vegas didn't have his bump stock, he'd just have slaughtered those 58 human beings with blow darts, right, Marco?
Somehow Rubio isn't even the biggest asshole shooting his mouth-sphincter off about Why Guns Are the Real Victim of This Mass Shooting. Meet North Carolina State Representative Larry Pittman, (Guess his party. Just GUESS.) who suggests we need to keep an eye on "Communist Democrats," who are shooting up schools so they'll have an excuse to take away Larry Pittman's armory and take over the country, and then, no doubt, THE WORLD.
Net-Neutrality-Castrating Douchebag Ajit Pai seems to be under investigation for maybe just maybe improperly castrating net neutrality for the benefit of Sinclair Broadcasting.
I tell you what, the handful of Drump appointees who AREN'T under investigation are starting to suffer from Inspector General Envy. Sonny Perdue is now conspicuously stuffing his pockets with office supplies on the way out the door every day. Rick Perry keeps having too-loud phone conversations with Saudi Princes, offering to sell them Texas oil fields in exchange for shiny beads.
On the Remember When Infidelity Mattered to the Right front, Stormy Daniels says Michael Cohen violated the NDA in her $130,000 blackmail payoff agreement, so now she's free to share all the gory details of how she blackmailed the President of the United States and did I mention that the President of the United States has a documented history of paying blackmail and why doesn't that bother Trey Gowdy more?
And we even learned of ANOTHER affair, including details of Shartboy's factory-like accountability-avoidance operation.
You keep waiting for the Religious Right to do something silly like, y'know, actually adhering to their (loudly) professed values, but no amount of sexual misconduct seems to be enough to make them turn on their Processed Cheese Food Herod.
...maybe when they find about his collection of aborted fetuses.
But I doubt it.
Oh, and we learned that the Poo Mistake's Hilariously Under-Attended Inauguration/American Carnage Hullabaloo committee donated only 5 million bucks to charity, while passing more than five times as much on to Melania's event planner chum, because the family that grifts together...fuck, I can't rhyme that. I've been drinking.
Mitt Romney's Hair announced a run for the Utah Senate seat that Orrin Hatch is slowly disintegrating from. Mittens looks forward to championing Whatever It Is He Thinks You Want to Hear, Utah. He'll be taking over not only Orrin's seat, but Jeff Flake's empty suit. YAY.
Well, we finally found out why Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes was so desperate to use the Might of the Memo to sink the Mueller investigation. Yes, the Bobadook dropped another stack of indictments today, this time of 13 Russian individuals and organizations.
Yes, despite months of assurances from Tangerine Idi Amin that this whole Russia thing was invented by bitter Democrats to explain away their vanquishing at his tiny, tiny, hands/second-place vote total, there seems to be substantial proof of a massive criminal conspiracy of Russian meddling in our elections, designed to damage Our Madame Hilldawg and benefit a certain Festering Crotch Tumor.
Government Cheese Goebbels proudly proclaimed himself totally exonerated of all wrongdoing, which is a weird thing to say when the appropriate answer is "Our nation was a attacked, and I, your President, will punish the perpetrators and prevent future attacks."
It goes without saying that all of the alleged proofs of Trumpal innocence were exactly as real as that GM factory in Detroit. Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave a little press conference, carefully repeating "in THIS indictment," because this ballgame ain't close to over. Fuck, only the Special Counsel and his team even know what inning we're in.
Anyway, kudos to Mueller and co. for backing Team Shart into a corner here; now that proof of Russian fuckery is on the table, Donnie Two-Scoops can't shut down the investigation without switching out his MAGA cap for a "Treason is the Swellest" propeller beanie.
Before we move on...HEY. Jill Stein voters. I FUCKING SEE YOU. You see this shit where you were made the willing puppets of a Russian intel op, no better than the rubiest rube in the cheapest MAGA hat? Yeah. You were already morons, but now you're Puppet Morons, which is worse, because I capitalized "Puppet" and "Morons."
If anybody reading this voted for Jill Stein, and isn't eating shit right now, may I recommend you pour yourself a heapin' bowl of shit and dig right in?
So it turns out their was a protocol failure on a tip sent to FBI about the Parkland shooter, and Governor Rick Scott helpfully suggested this was ample reason for FBI Director/Trump obstacle Christopher Wray to resign, and be replaced by Trey Gowdy or that boy who fucks pigs, perhaps. "And take that Rosenstein kid with ya!" shouted Scott, because hey, why not dream big?
And of course Littlefinger scampered down to Marm-a-Lago for the weekend, cuz nothing eases the caught-in-a-treasonous-conspiracy blues quite like redistributing taxpayer money from the Treasury to your own pocket.
He took the briefest of detours to the community shattered by a gunman's madness, spending SIX WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES visiting victims in a nearby hospital, before stopping by the local sheriff's office just long enough to deliver a few remarks inappropriate enough to make a sociopaths convention cringe.
But yeah, an hour or so, and a couple of easy photo ops, then off to GOLF, because he's afraid of children, grieving their lost friends and classmates. Afraid of them, because his staff has seen them on social media, demanding action, demanding gun control, demanding that what happened to them never happens to any other children in this country ever again.
And our President is simply too frightened of these teenagers to even stand in the same room. So he's just hangin' out at his club, not enforcing sanctions. Cool.
Never forget, for all his other failings, which are PLENTIFUL...Donald Trump is a coward. Just a pathetic, trembling, coward.
I'm just saying, if you're afraid of high school kids, maybe you don't have what it takes to be President. But that's why y'all come to this blog, right? For the CONTROVERSY.
Anyway, let me leave you with a request. Let's kick a few bucks to Everytown. To Moms Demand Action. To the DCCC. Let's vote the NRA's blood-stained stooges straight off this fucking planet.
J.K. Rowling's Sean Hannity and the Phantom Jizz Painting
Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we've grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight's post, that seems appropriately gonzo.
(As always, the post, with news links, is available at: http://showercapblog.com/j-k-rowlings-sean-hannity-phantom-jizz-painting/)
The entire planet was rocked by the news of Israeli police recommending Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be charged with bribery and fraud.
Wow. That seems important.
BUT, the really BIG story of the day involved Sean Hannity seeing imaginary spunk on Barack Obama's forehead, but on the save-the-best-for-last principle, you'll have to wait until the end of tonight's blog for that shit.
Watching the fallout from this Rob Porter thing reveals all you need to know about the ethical standards of the Clown Car Full of Rectums currently squatting in the White House, doesn't it?
Step One: Hire a Creep credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives.
Step Two: Learn from the FBI that because of said domestic violence accusations, said Creep is ineligible for a security clearance.
Step Three: Keep Creep around, give him access to classified information anyway.
Step Four: Juuuuuust when you're about to promote Creep, get caught with your pants down.
Step Five: Defend creep as Best Dude You Ever Met in Your Whole Life, Seriously He's Like if Gandhi and John Wayne Had a Kid, We Would Never Oh Shit is That a Picture of Her Black Eye After He Punched Her in the Face? Um.
Step Six: Pretend you acted swiftly and decisively, like nobody can scroll up to the news from literally six hours earlier.
Step Seven: Instead of just apologizing for HIRING A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER, tell useless, easily-disproven lie after useless, easily-disproven lie. Hang around waiting for the lies to unravel, one after the other.
Steph Eight: ...PROFIT! If by "profit" you mean "send the last tattered remnants of a four star general's reputation through the wood chipper like Steve Buscemi's last leg."
If all this isn't somehow fucked enough, I guess you sprinkle on some The President Won't Even Condemn Domestic Violence and in Fact Flees Reporters Who Ask Him To, just for seasoning.
Anyway, it sure was fun to have Christopher Wray trot out today to testify under oath that the whole Shart House spin was nothing but a fat sack of horse manure.
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders, bless her shriveled raisin of a heart, there's just no lie too ridiculously large for her to dispense with a condescending sneer. If there were an American Idol for Bullshit, she'd win every year 'till the sun went cold.
Speaking of Wray, the IC leadership also testified that Russia had so much fun attacking our elections in 2016, they just can't wait to do it again this year. But don't worry, there's absolutely no plan on the table to stop them, we haven't even enforced sanctions on them for what they've already done, oh, and the President still doesn't believe they did anything wrong in the first place.
Betsy DeVos hasn't made headlines for a few weeks, so you may find yourself wondering, "Hey Cap, is Betsy DeVos still trash?"
I am here to inform you that yes, Virginia, Betsy DeVos remains trash of the rankest order. Seems Betsy checked in with her God, the one who decreed she should be Education Secretary despite never working a day in her life and knowing fuckall about education, and it told her to rescind civil rights protections from transgender students.
Well, it's a victory for bullies everywhere, if nothing else. But yeah, isn't it fun being governed by an administration moving backwards on civil rights? I bet Betsy and Jeff Sessions enjoy many a self-congratulatory sweet tea break, toasting their efforts, making the world safe for the White and Mediocre.
If it makes anybody feel better, even Ted Cruz has started tremblin' at the thought of the pending Blue Tsunami awaiting the sad coalition of grifters, klansmen, and collaborators we call the Republican Party. Yes, Ted, we will indeed "crawl over broken glass" to vote you fuckers out. History's gonna need a bigger dustbin, we've got so many treasonous fuckheads to sweep away. (Hey. Give Ted's Democratic opponent, Beto O'Rourke, some cash, okay?)
Boy howdy, Scott Pruitt sure does like pissing away taxpayer money on first-class flights! 90 grand over just a few days in June! Scotty Boy likes to say he's just taking appropriate security precautions, because he imagines he's constantly beset upon by hostile forces who know what he gets up to in that soundproof booth he had built...with taxpayer money.
Pennsylvania Republicans, ordered by their state Supreme Court to redraw their cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, submitted a slightly different cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, and Governor Tom Wolf told them they could gerrymander their bullshit map straight up their asses all the way to the small intestine if they wanted, so now the Court will commission a non-partisan map.
And three of Cartoon Cowboy/Former Sheriff David Clarke's employees face charges over that little kerfuffle where they TORTURED A HUMAN BEING TO DEATH BY REFUSING HIM ACCESS TO WATER. I wonder if you put "Featured Speaker at Republican Convention" higher on your resume than "Dehydration Murderer?"
The Marmalade Shartcannon dropped his budget, and now that he's cut his own taxes by a billion dollars or so, there's just no money left for the chumps known collectively as "the American People." Massive cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security? Aw, you rubes didn't actually BELIEVE him when he promised he wouldn't do that, didja?
But the real highlight is Mick Mulvaney's plan to retool food stamps. The idea is to replace a chunk of the recipient's SNAP benefits with a box full of styrofoam peanuts, ketchup packets, and unsold Ivanka-branded bath products, y'know...for seasoning.
There's a certain type of Republican, cut from the Ryan/Mulvaney cloth, that lives their life in a state of perpetual rage that there are poor people in this country who get to spend any amount of time, however briefly, experiencing any emotion more pleasant than abject torment. There's a word for that, and that word is Sociopath.
At any rate, the idea of the government that can't get the fucking power back on in Puerto Rico opening up a nationwide food distribution service sure is...optimistic.
Meanwhile, the America Furst President filled 143 of 144 seasonal positions at three of his properties with foreign guest workers, because, and let me shout this to the cheap seats in the back, HE HOLDS WORKING CLASS AMERICAN CITIZENS IN DISDAIN.
So I guess we're supposed to give the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard, the benefit of the doubt on this whole "Anglo-American" thing. Ok, fine. I guess we'll just have to rely on the decades of well-documented open racism.
Again, this is the dude who was too racist for the 80's. Jeff Sessions has been a famous bigot longer than I've been a multi-celled organism.
Well, Tennessee Senator Bob Corker was all set to retire and enjoy the fruits of the last-minute kickback he finagled into the GOP tax bill, but word on street is he's considering un-retiring, as internal GOP polling shows ex-Governor Phil Bredesen defeating Trumpist Loon Marsha Blackburn in the general.
I'm told this entails a fair amount of groveling, and it couldn't happen to a nicer invertebrate. Well, it'd be fun watching him and Blackburn tear each other apart in a brutal primary, but one way or another, YOU should donate to Bredesen so we can take back the Senate, yes?
Hey, if there are any typos in tonight's post, it's because I'm still quaking with laughter over this Elle profile of Mrs. Mnuchbag herself, Louise Linton. The Bride of the Foreclosure King figured she could use a little image-rehabbin', but her interviewer (and my new hero), Carrie Battan, just gives her ample space for petard-hoistin' instead. My favorite bit is how she went out of her way to help a homeless man....'s dog.
Anyway, Mitch McConnell says the Senate has one week (and one Senate Week means Three Actual Human Days) to work out an immigration bill before he moves on to other business...presumably meaning the important work of naming post offices and confirming ghost hunters to lifetime federal judgeships. Seems fair.
Piers Morgan and Omarosa are feuding, I guess? Man, fuck that. I'm not linking that shit. You wanna read it, Google it your own damn self.
What's this, now? Michael "Sez Hoo" Cohen is falling on a sword for his Processed Cheese Boss? Mikey says HE paid Stormy Daniels that $130,000 payoff, out of his own pocket, for...reasons!
Well, shit, Mike. You sure put THAT little controversy to rest. Nice work!
Anyway, we flipped another ruby-red seat tonight, this time in Florida. Blue Wave! Woo! That seems like a good note to sign off on, so -
Oh hell, I almost forgot the biggest story of the day! Nay, year! Nay, dare I say...the millennium?
Yes, Sean Hannity's descent into gibbering madness is going just swimmingly, thanks for asking. He did a little tweeting about the SECRET SPERM in President Obama's freshly-unveiled official portrait, before retiring to the study to chew his own toes off.
Yes, Obama is HIDING SPOOJ IN HIS PAINTING, just one last desecration of America on his way out the door! I'll bet his Presidential library'll just be a brothel with no water fountains white people are allowed to use, right Sean?
For real, how far fucking gone do you have to be to see PHANTOM JIZZ in a painting? This is one of the media figures the fucking President of the United States listens to over his actual intelligence community, by the way. Sleep tight.
Jesus fuck. Ok, campers, I'm out for the night. But a special prize to the first reader who finds the seven hidden sperm cells in tonight's post!
Oh, and thank you, folks, for all the Valentine's Hearts! I love ya right back!
Pence Gets Pantsed While Rand Rants and Kelly in Konfounded
When I was a kid, Sunday nights meant curling up with the Simpsons and the X-Files (and Touched by an Angel, because I was dating a Baptist girl), but now I'm stuck wading through the weekend news, hoping nobody started WWIII. Less fun.
(Anyhow. As always, the post is available, with links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/pence-gets-pantsed-rand-rants-kelly-konfounded/)
We're all just puttering around wondering how a dude credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives (and thus denied a security clearance) was allowed to serve as one of the primary Shart House gatekeepers, literally choosing which information drifts across our Idiot Manchild President's gnat-like attention span as he makes life or death decisions for the entire world.
(One article even noted the Tangelo Tumor had developed a Pavlovian response to Rob Porter, whose presence in the Oval Office often signified a big stack of papers in need of signing, which meant he had to abandon his Bejeweled game no matter how far he'd gotten, and actually WORK for a bit, no fair!)
Reading the #MeToo moment like Malcolm Gladwell on a meth bender, Sharty McFly talked about what a "good job" the serial wife beater did, making sure to wish him well wheresoever his path may take him now that the entire world has seen photographic documentation of his handiwork.
General John Kelly is said to have fought hard to keep this scumfuck in his job, because whatever his shortcomings, Porter was one of the only available staffers with anything resembling the skills or qualifications to actually do his job.
Me, I'm old enough to remember when a President could fill his staff without leaning on violent criminals because, y'know, the best and the brightest actually wanted to work for him.
Thursday's press briefing was delayed numerous times, as Deputy Press Secretary Raj Shah chained himself to some piping in a supply closet, before being forcibly dragged into the press room to regurgitate the embarrassing-even-by-this-clusterfuck-administration's-standards spin on the Porter debacle.
You know you've got a shit sandwich when even Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't go near it.
Let's be honest, here. The official Drumpf Administration position is, "We knew about it, we gave less than one eighth of a fuck about it, but then she posted pictures of her black eye on the internet so we're all going to act shocked, but the truth is not only do we not care that we employed a domestic abuser, we're actually pissed off that you made us fire him."
Fuck, the only reason Kelly still holds the Chief of Staff post is WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT SUCH A SHIT JOB? The pay is pretty good, but it won't come close to covering the lawyers you'll inevitably need for being a lead accessory to such a massive criminal enterprise. Plus, your desk is right by the Oval, and I'm told you never get used to the reek of well-done steak farts.
Oh, and Porter isn't even the only staffer to resign in the face of domestic violence accusations. This week. Helluva team they've assembled, ain't it?
Hey, speaking of the Best People, I see a prominent Shartboy backer in Kentucky pled guilty to several charges of human trafficking. HUMAN TRAFFICKING, in some cases, of minors. The Roy Moore wing of the Republican Party is larger than we thought.
Speaking of which, it seems Blake Farenthold is skulking around, hoping nobody notices that he hasn't yet paid taxpayers back for that $84,000 sexual harassment settlement. In CongressPerv Farenthold's defense, that would rip a near-fatal hole in his pajama budget.
If you need a little good news, take heart in knowing that Richard Spencer is being sued over his role in the Dickless White Boy Parade in Charlottesville, but he cannot find a lawyer to represent him, because he is a fascist shitbag who nobody likes.
Hey, what's the Vice President been up to? Mikey Hairshirt spends so much time under the radar, you'd think he's some sort of experimental drone and not a hate-filled, pea-brained, faux Christian bigot hoping he can just blend in with the drapes until his boss goes down in flames and he can slide in like a slicker, dumber, Gerald Ford.
Well, Pence got nailed on that particular point, HARD. Journalist Ashley Parker stood right in front of the fucker and asked "Hey, you're the Vice President of the United Fucking States of America, how come you never seem to know shit about shit?" and Mike tried some lame-ass spin but you could see in his eyes that he knew he would never again retrieve his balls, and it was funnier than Ben Stiller's entire career.
And yeah, #2 went to the Olympics and, in protest, refused to stand for the Korean team's entrance, because irony is stone cold dead.
So I guess the government shut down for an hour or two because Rand Paul figured it'd been way too long since one of his patented Masturbatory Shoutfests? Oh, Rand. You're surely the last to adjust to the speed of the modern news cycle. Three days later, literally no one cares. Even I almost forget to write this paragraph in my stupid little poop joke blog.
Anyway. Yes, the Winter Olympics are here, a time to celebrate the international spirit of camaraderie and competition, primarily via the medium of doctoring curling videos to insert cats. Or, if you happen to be a high-ranking Fux Nooz honcho, it's a chance to indulge in some holy-shit-that's-racist-even-for-you-bastards thinkpiecery about the injustice that non-white and LGBT athletes are allowed to represent America instead of toiling in forced labor camps or something.
Steve Bannon crawled out of the gin still he's been sleeping in since Breitbart canned him juuuuust long to express his existential terror that "the Womenfolk are coming to destroy the Patriarchy and there simply won't be enough shirts to wear to serve as armor thick enough to protect me from their wrath and holy shit I'm gonna wind up hanging upside down in a gas station, aren't I?"
The stock market experienced another 1,000-point drop Thursday, even after the Poo Mistake shot the mightiest arrow in his quiver...yelling at it in a Tweet.
Odd that the great dealmaker's tantrum didn't do the trick...I'm starting to wonder if maybe the dude who inherited daddy's money, went through multiple bankruptcies, established himself as so untrustworthy that no one would lend him money or go into business with him, and wound up laundering Russian oligarch dough in a last desperate bid to dig himself out of ruin maybe doesn't know as much about the economy as he wants us to think.
Nothing, not even a third scoop of ice cream, makes our President happier than when an undocumented immigrant commits a crime. Back in November, the Candycorn Skidmark used a Border Patrol Agent's death to engage in a hearty round of the racist fear-mongering he so enjoys. And the entire GOP giddily followed his lead.
Well, it turns out in the Agent in question wasn't murdered at all, by an immigrant or anyone else. Looks like the poor guy was just injured in a fall. Upon learning this, the President, Ted Cruz, and Fox News all issued prompt retractions, complete with soul-searching apologies at having so thoughtlessly stoked the tragic fires of racial hatred without waiting for the facts to come in.
Just kidding, they're all currently engaged in a scheme to hold DREAMers hostage to their Klansman's Wet Dream immigration bill, and they wouldn't want to correct any misinformation that riles up their shitty base, certainly not in an election year!
So I guess that Omarosa lady, the Former White House Director of...Being That Omarosa Lady, Or Something went directly onto a reality TV show upon leaving the highest echelons of executive branch power, because that's just how life is now.
Anyway, on "Celebrity Big Brother," (Ssssssssssssssssigh) she rocked America, and indeed the world, by revealing her insider's account of life in the Drumpf White House as "so bad." And then the deputy press secretary said it was the fourth time "we" fired her because the President views his administration as a continuation of his reality show and if that doesn't have you shrieking in terror, I don't know what will because that is some FUCKED UP SHIT right there.
The Washington Post reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn't read the daily intelligence briefing that Americans literally risk their lives for, day in and day out, because reading is boring and hard and, let's be honest, because HE DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHETHER ANY OF US LIVE OR DIE.
Seriously, this sad, needy, broken old man is only in this thing for grift and the periodic applause of his dwindling army of Hateyokels. The security of the United States of America and her citizens? "You handle that, Mad Dog, I haven't golfed in like, three whole days."
Rachel Brand, the 3rd-ranking official at the Department of Justice, will be stepping down from her post, the kind of job people work a lifetime to attain, after just nine months. Rather than hanging around waiting for the Velveeta Vulgarian to fire Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, thus relocating her life to the geographic center of a constitutional crisis, she will be taking a job with Wal-Mart.
My sources tell me that during interview, Brand offered to serve as "a fucking door greeter in Boise, just get me the fuck out of here!"
As expected, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting blocked the release of Adam Schiff's "Jesus Fuck, Are You Kidding Me, Devin?" counter-memo, because like all bullies, he is a coward at heart.
...also because what passes for his "master plan" is destroying the public's trust in law enforcement so that when the bill for his life of crime finally comes due, the racist old ladies in the Bible Belt who get their news from Alex Jones and chain e-mails will rise up as one and break his corrupt ass out of federal prison.
Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD master plan.
Virginia Senator/Affable Dad Tim Kaine "is demanding the release of a secret memo outlining President Donald Trump’s interpretation of his legal authority to wage war," and HOLY SHIT THERE'S A SECRET DRUMPF WAR MEMO? HOW MANY FUCKING MEMOS ARE THERE? WHY ARE WE RUNNING THE GOVERNMENT VIA A HANDFUL OF MALICIOUS ASSHOLES SCRIBBLING DOWN MEMOS, PROBABLY IN CRAYON? WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE.
And now Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes has his own personal fake news outlet? Fucking of course he does. He probably prints out a weekly newsletter, on his mom's computer, with headlines like "Nunes scores the winning touchdown! Again!" and slips copies under all his colleagues' doors.
Oh, and he wants to Build a Wall (trademark, the Drumpf Organization!) in the House Intelligence Committee's secure areas, because he doesn't want any dirty Democrats copying off his memos in the future.
...Devin isn't going to do so well in jail, I fear.
Aaaaaaaand Il Douche is looking at privatizing the International Space Station? Has somebody explained to him that this isn't his personal property, and that he won't be able to slap his shitty name on it in big gold letters and rent it out to oligarchs and porn stars?
I can't handle this shit anymore, friends. It's the motherfucking weekend. I should be blitzed on High Life, halfway through the LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP marathon on the Gorilla Channel by now. Fuck this shit.
76 Fascists Led the Big Parade! With 110 Klansmen Close at Hand! (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Friends, I know the news batters us relentlessly these days, like a tornado in a hammer factory, but things aren't all bad! Why, Senator Angus King has successfully procured the lobster emoji his home state of Maine has long desired! WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT!
(As always, the post is available on my lil' site, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/76-fascists-led-big-parade-110-klansmen-close-hand/)
First of all, let me offer my deepest condolences to everyone who viewed the video of our President's horrid otherworldly scalp, rippling in the wind, looking like somebody grafted the Crypt Keeper's ass to his skull.
I've never seen human flesh look quite so unsettling. Like, the dude who had Voldemort living on the back of his head took one look at that shit and threw up in his mouth.
Congratulate Steve Bannon, everyone! He has a date! With Robert Mueller! Put on your three fanciest shirts, and shine up all your facial sores, Steve! For the first time since your ritual excommunication, somebody actually wants to talk to ya!
Adam Schiff's "Your Memo is Shit, Devin, and You Are Also Shit" memo has been sent to Drumpf for review and possible release. However, at eleven cruelly-pictureless pages, Schiff's document has apparently pushed our Commander-in-Chief to the very limits of his intellect and endurance, so let us come together as one nation and pray his brain doesn't catch fire under the strain.
...or that it does. That's between you and God.
The Least Surprising Study in All Human History revealed that the drooling maniacs of the right wing are a whole bunch more likely to spread fake news around and also probably to shoot up pizza restaurants did anybody think to ask that one?
I'd take a victory lap, but if anybody decides to poke around the phenomenon of Think Pieces About Why You're a Bad Person For Enjoying This Movie/Book/TV Show/Ice Cream Sandwich, the results will be less favorable to my tribe, I fear.
While most Americans see videos of ten-cent third world dictators puffing out their chests as tanks and goose-stepping soldiers march by, and think "Thank God I live I free society," Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Jealous of Kim Jong-un" watches like a spoiled child who just saw a neighbor kid ride around the block on a brand new bike.
Yes, Orange Julius Caesar, perhaps hoping all those missiles and uniforms and warplanes will be enough to inspire one final erection before his dusty, syphilitic, penis finally crumbles to dust, has demanded a Big Stupid Parade, which would cost the American taxpayer millions.
I for one believe it's time to reign in the President's Instant Gratification Allowance. Everybody focuses on the millions pissed away on golf trips, but don't forget he also doubled the ice-cream budget!
And I guess the brass are gonna give the Candycorn Skidmark what he wants. And you know his wish list is gonna get out of control on this thing. Hopefully Mattis puts his foot down when it comes to throwing student protestors in front of the tanks.
Maybe Sheriff Dave will loan Donnie his uniform, if he promises not to spill ketchup on it. Just a heads up, it'll be considered totally treasonous not to applaud during the parade, and whoever stops clapping first gets sent to the gulag.
Steve Wynn resigned from his hotel company now that everyone knows what an abusive creep he is. The Republican Party, despite spending considerable time and effort painting Harvey Weinstein as the intellectual and spiritual center of the entire American left plus he also probably shot Lincoln, wants you to know that they will be keeping the millions of dollars in Wynn donations, thank you very much.
And yes, they'll just keep moving the goalposts as their stated conditions are met. By June, Ronna Romney (You can't hide, not on THIS blog) McDaniel will be saying "Believe me, as soon as Jesus rises from the grave to personally deliver God's infallible Word carved in flaming letters on a stone tablet declaring that Wynn is indeed guilty, we will agree to just spend Steve's money on office supplies."
So, a couple days (years?) back, President Shartcannon told a hilarious joke where Democrats refusing to applaud for him were committing treason ha ha ha I AM THE STATE ho ho hee hee. Now, you might think it'd take about half a thimbleful of Love of Country for any American to condemn such despicable, offhanded, fascism, but damn if Republicans don't consistently find fresh new ways to disappoint and horrify us.
So meet Claudia Tenney, from the New York 22nd! CongressGoon Tenney says treason might be a wee bit strong, but refusing to fête the pussygrabbing white supremacist grifter doing everything in his power to turn the nation against the press and the FBI is most certainly un-American.
Senator Tammy Duckworth's reaction was...a little more patriotic and whole lot more badass. Plus, in midst of her most righteous sermon, she coined "Cadet Bone Spurs," which frankly gives me a bit of nickname envy.
And it turns out Dorito Mussolini is already fantasizing about another government shutdown, this time threatening to cost the American taxpayer a few petulantly-wasted billions unless Democrats rework immigration law to read like erotica targeted directly at Stephen Miller.
General John Kelly, no longer willing to bother with dog whistles, picked up the dog tuba to label some DACA-eligible immigrants "lazy", even as his immediate supervisor refuses to show up to work before eleven, and rushes away to golf the very moment his handlers disable the shock collar they use to keep him in the Oval Office.
Another gigantic special election upset, this time in Missouri, where Mike Revis won a state seat in a district the Shart carried with 61% of the vote last fall. Just like in Alabama and Virginia, we came to chew bubblegum and win special elections, and we're all out of bubblegum. But there's a store down the street where you can get all the fucking gum you want, so basically fuck you we win at everything.
Senator Ron Johnson (R-Wackyland), having learned nothing from his "Secret Society" humiliation, once again proclaimed he'd uncovered the smoking gun proving the FBI's anti-Drumpf corruption once and for all, only to be rapidly revealed as...well, as a guy with the brain of Ron Johnson.
And of course the whole right wing, all the way up to Government Cheese Goebbels himself, breathlessly promoted their feeble talking point, which, to be clear, was that President Obama, upon learning of Russian interference in America's election...wanted to be briefed on the matter.
Are these loons truly so far gone that they actually believe it's scandalous for the President to seek information from the nation's intelligence community, rather than from cable news hosts?
Silly question. Of course they are.
Angry at the stock market for making him look bad, Circus Peanut Sydney Greensteet wandered out onto the White House lawn, with his bathrobe open, and...yelled at it. Demented old fuck just rage-tweeted at the goddamn stock market. No fucking way he passed that cognitive test without Mike Pence standing behind the doctor, mouthing the answers.
See where Scott Pruitt said climate change got a bad rap, and would actually turn out to be a really awesome thing for humanity? "Crop-destroying droughts will help America face its obesity epidemic," grinned Scotty 2 Haughty, "And just think of all the working-class families in our coastal communities who never thought they'd be able to afford a pool!"
Rex Tillerson says Russia has every intention of fucking with our midterm elections, but also that we basically have to sit back and take it, because "once they decided they're going to do it, it's very difficult to pre-empt it," and isn't it inspiring as fuck to see our Secretary of State respond to an assault from a diminishing, second-rate, world power with a shrug and a "whaddya gonna do?"
Rick Gates' lawyers want a divorce from Rick Gates, and we aren't allowed to know quite why because shit is all attorney-client privileged and whatnot, but they seem to be citing creative differences, and want to break away to form their own group, maybe do a little bit of prog-influenced art rock, but without the treason Rick always insisted on.
Nancy Pelosi took to the House floor for an epic 8 hour, 7 minute speech advocating for DREAMers and DACA. The length of the former Speaker's heels factors into every story I've read on the topic, and will only grow with legend. "Pelosi stood atop 6-foot-tall, serrated, iron stilts for three days," we'll tell our grandchildren.
Well, if Pelosi can hold the floor for eight hours, surely the least you and I can do is contact our our Congressthings and demand legal protections for DREAMers, don'tcha think?
Oh, this is fun! The cybersecurity head over at DHS says Russian hackers not only targeted voter databases in 21 states, but actually succeeded in penetrating a few! You read shit like that, and then you remember that the executive branch JUST refused to enforce sanctions on Russia...
...and then you just fuckin' DRINK, right? That's what I'm doing. Jesus.
General Kelly's West Wingman, some dude named Rob Porter, resigned today. Why? Because his two ex-wives came forward with stories of his lengthy history of physical abuse, complete with horrifying photographic evidence.
Oh, and it turns out the entire Shart House knew about the abuse, since it turned up in his FBI background check, preventing him from gaining a security clearance. But Kelly and co (and let's not forget the not-so-good General whimsically reflecting on the sacredness of women not so long ago) decided they weren't going to let a silly thing like beating up women get in the way!
And so we were treated to testimonials about Porter's CHARACTER, from Kelly, from Sarah Sanders, from Visibly Decomposing Retiree Orrin Hatch. We even learned that he's been dating Shartboy's shadow, Hope Hicks, who helped craft the White Houses's aw-shucks-he's-a-real-good-guy-even-if-he-beats-up-women response.
...I'm starting to think these folks aren't reliable judges of character, is all I'm sayin'.
And shit, as I was writing this post, I came across this lil' tale, of one of Cowboy Ryan Zinke's underlings at Interior, getting the department to pay 32 g's to upgrade a government-owned building so he could Airbnb it? Fucking of COURSE that happened. Of COURSE it did.
This is TWO DAYS worth of news, folks. TWO DAYS.
In Which Cap Rewrites the Greatest American Hero Theme Song to be About Devin Nunes Fucking Pigs
The weekend was relatively quiet, so you sort of expected the calm wouldn't last. It didn't.
So open a bag of new Crunchless Doritos For Her, pour yourself a glass of Hush, the Menfolk Are Talking brand boxed wine, and strap yourself in for the Monday Nite Madness Update. (Available, as always, with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/cap-rewrites-greatest-american-hero-theme-song-devin-nunes-fucking-pig/)
Paul Ryan demands your praise, peasants! The wealthy have, for the time being, unlocked the dumpsters behind their mansions, and you may eat of their refuse!
Ryan, that working class hero, trumpeted the tale of some barely-human wage slave, whose Paul-Ryan-gifted buck-fifty-per-week salary increase would cover her FUCKING COSTCO MEMBERSHIP with e'en enough riches leftover to purchase ketchup packets to flavor the children's lunchtime bowls of warm water, if only on special occasions. SHOW YOUR OVERLORDS YOUR GRATITUDE, SERFS!
And vast stretches of land in what was recently the Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments are now open to mining claims, because natural beauty is, as we have established, for CUCKS. Anyway, if anybody wants to team up with me, I'm thinkin' of heading out west to mark my Unobtanium claim. I promise not to go all Fred C. Dobbs on ya.*
Hey, the forces of sanity actually chalked up a couple of wins, for a change! K.T. McFarland, having apparently read up on the legal consequences of lying under oath, withdrew her nomination for Ambassador to Singapore!
Also, Lunatic Hates-Science-So-Much-She-Still-Holds-a-Grudge-Against-Galileo Fanatic Kathleen Hartnett White won't be heading up the Council on Environmental Quality, because apparently there's actually a line too low for even THIS administration to cross, which I confess surprises me.
...now if we can just navigate the next thousand miles of this minefield of madness...
Wait, what? An authentic, Holocaust-denying ACTUAL NAZI will be the Republican Party's candidate for a U.S. Congressional seat? Lord. And that isn't even the only story involving Holocaust denial and Congress in the last week.
So much for sanity.
Team Fiscal Conservatism decided that giving their oligarch donor class a fat fuckin' tax cut was so important it was worth a massive increase in federal borrowing, so we'll be passing the collection plate around to the tune of almost a trillion bucks this year.
It's just the darndest thing, how Republicans bitch and moan about deficits whenever Democrats try to, y'know, improve people's lives, but all that concern evaporates like a fart on the wind when Charley Koch decides he wants to gold-plate his small intestine.
There was a big football game Sunday evening, or as viewed by the Candycorn Skidmark and his Jagoff Support Squad, one last opportunity this season to stoke his shitty white jag base's racial resentments!
I'm not really a football guy, but I guess the team with the biggest Trumpsters lost, and several members of the victorious Eagles are already saying "FUCK no I'm not going to the Shart House, I don't wanna get ketchup and experimental hair tonic on my good shoes," and Jake Tapper seemed pleased, so the ending seems happy enough to me.
Of course, celebrations in Philadelphia turned violent and destructive, with widespread property damage prompting a swift and merciless response from militarized law enforcement, who turned out in riot gear, assaulting the crowd with rubber bullets and tear gas.
HAHAHAHAH DON'T BE SILLY THESE WERE WHITE PEOPLE THROWING A PARTY OVER A SPORTING EVENT NOT BLACK PEOPLE SUGGESTING THEIR LIVES MATTER HA HA HA.
Pennsylvania Republicans asked Justice Samuel Alito to please-o-please let them keep their meticulously gerrymandered congressional districts so that they don't have to actually be accountable to their voters, but Alito said "Broseph, this is so corrupt even I can't give you any cover," and thus Pennsylvania Republicans became sad.
Of course the Penn GOP is screeching about seeking further judicial remedies. Now, I know Republicans don't understand the Constitution, but don't any of them even bother to read it anymore? What do these dopes think comes after SCOTUS? You can't just set up a kangaroo court in Sean Hannity's basement, y'know.
Oh, but now they're trying to get the Pennsylvania Supreme Court judges who ruled in the first place impeached. This is the modern Republican way; when the rule of law asserts itself, destroy the enforcers.
Mick Mulvaney quietly smothered the investigation into the Equifax data breach, because why should the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau do anything silly like protect consumers?
...
Well, I put it off as long as I could, but there's no avoiding it, I guess. But I just don't WANNA. It's just so dumb and grating and...
...Fine. Everybody turn Metal Machine Music up full blast and let's talk about Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and his pigfucking goddamn MEMO.
The memo itself remains ridiculous, an unsubstantiated talk radio wet dream debunked immediately upon landing. Fuck, even Gowdy Doody says it does fuckall to undercut the Russia investigation. So far from it, in fact, that it OPENLY CONFESSES the whole thing got rolling when that dumbshit Papadopolous kid couldn't handle his Foster's.
But anybody who still thinks silly little things like "facts" or "the truth" matter to right anymore must've missed everything that's happened over the last decade, from Birtherism to Benghazi to Pizzagate. Devin coulda released his (curiously pork-rind-heavy) grocery list, and Lou Dobbs would still dutifully declare it to be irrefutable proof of FBI corruption so deep their headquarters should be put to the torch with the whole staff inside.
The Marmalade Shartcannon himself wasted no time proclaiming himself Completely Vindicated Plus Salma Hayek Will Totally Date Me Now.
Shart, Jr. agreed with Daddy, declaring the memo to be "sweet revenge," apparently believing Devin's little stunt has taken care of the Russia problem once and for all, leaving a flustered Robert Mueller clutching the MEMO and shouting "NUUUUUUUUUNEEEEEEES" into the unforgiving night sky.
...nobody tell him, ok? It'll be more fun if it's a surprise.
And Nunes himself, wild-eyed with lard dripping from the corners of his mouth, promised further memos, memos upon memos, memos as far as the eye can see, a memo in every pot, memos enough to bury the truth and the law and that pesky United States Constitution forever.
Perhaps worried that there might be somebody somewhere on Earth who takes him seriously, Devin, drunk on bacon grease and his own misperceived might, floated the idea that Shart Carney prolly never even MET that insignificant Papaderpaderp kid, forgetting the little detail about that one photograph. You know, the one the ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD has seen.
The hits kept on coming for the Ham Hammer, who had initially claimed that the FBI deviously hid the Steele Dossier's origin as opposition research from the FISA court, only to be forced to backpedal because...he was totally making that shit up.
Still, President Crotchvoid thanked his faithful stooge, proclaiming him a "great American hero," to which I say...
Why not the GREATEST AMERICAN HERO!?!? CUE THE MUSIC:
Believe it or not, I'm FUCKING A PIG!
I never thought I could feel such glee-ee-eeeee!
Grinding away on a sow in a wig!
Who could it be?
Dry-humping that pig? It's just meeeeeeeee!
This seems like as good a time as any to remind everyone that all the memo hullabaloo hinges on the idea that there was something untoward about the warrant issued to surveil CARTER FUCKING PAGE, of all people. Yeah, the same CARTER FUCKING PAGE who likes to brag about his Kremlin ties.
Anyhow, the House Intel Committee voted to release Adam Schiff's counter-memo, kicking it over to the White House for a thumbs up or down. That decision should be...interesting.
Oh hey, the President of the United States of America offhandedly suggested that opposition party members refusing to bestow sufficiently enthusiastic praise upon his dishonest, drone-y speech amounts to "treason," that's fun! Not in a "Pizza Party Where Your Mom Gives You a Roll of Quarters to Play the X-Men Arcade Game way, but in more of a Wow That's the Sort of Thing Stalin Would Say sort of way!
Anyhow, while Donnie Dotard was busy rambling about his greatness, the Dow Jones tanked like a Trump University grad in a job interview, losing 1175 points, the biggest single-day point decline in history. Having spent months petulantly demanding credit for every new stock market increase, Shartboy was...curiously silent today.
Dang it. Michelle Bachmann won't be running for a Minnesota Senate seat, because God didn't speak to her through How I Met Your Mother reruns like he usually does. Yo, GOD? Do you really begrudge us our fun? After more than a year of getting pummeled by this shitstorm, don't we deserve the simple joy of watching this psychopath faceplant one last time?
Breaking late from the Failing New York Times is the tale of Government Cheese Goebbels' lawyers urging their client to refuse to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation for the simple reason that he lies the way most people blink, and lying to federal investigators is a crime.
Heh. "Your honor, my client cannot testify because he will certainly perjure himself if he does." Good luck with that strategy, gents.
Ok, friends. I'm signing off before any more news about the fucking MEMO can break. Be good to yourselves out there.
*When a dude in a superhero mask pledges to maintain mental composure in a prospecting environment...y'know, caveat emptor.
Memo Williams: The Adventure Begins (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I don't know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I'm picking my teeth with her last tail feather.
"Oh, it can't be that bad, Cap. You're exaggerating, Cap. Let's poke around a bit, it'll calm you down." (And feel free to poke around on Cap's site, with links: http://showercapblog.com/memo-williams-adventure-begins/)
What's this? The nomination of widely-respected North Korea expert Victor Cha as Ambassador to South Korea was withdrawn because Cha is a CUCK who isn't down with the idea of launching a preemptive strike on the nuclear-armed nutjobs in the Kim Jong-un regime?
"Never mind, Cap. This does indeed seem to be flaming batshit dropping from a colony of bats that are also on fire. Carry on."
Let's see. I last checked in on Monday night, right when the House Intelligence Committee voted to release Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes' famous memo on how to extract maximum sexual gratification from the act of copulating with a pig. Or maybe it was about the FBI or something, I don't always pay super-close attention to these things.
Anyhow. By Tuesday, Speaker Ryan was casually chatting about "cleansing" the FBI, which, in this zany new world where we nervously monitor our government for signs of fascism, lands closer to "This is your doctor, you need to get back to me right away" than "Let's go to Build-A-Bear Workshop" on the Comforting Things to Hear Scale.
I see Mike Pompeo invited some Russian spymasters, one of whom is supposed to be a sanctions target, (Remember when laws mattered? Those were fun times.) over, probably to ask if they needed any help interfering in our midterms. I'm sure they availed themselves of the generous Classified Intelligence Buffet during their visit.
Speaking of Russia, Treasury was supposed to compile a list of Russian officials and oligarchs tied to the Putin regime, to be considered for potential sanctioning. Instead, because everyone in this entire fucking administration seems to have a religious objection to ever working at all, they just copied a Rich Russian Folks list from FORBES FUCKING MAGAZINE.
...I suppose we should be grateful they didn't just copy and paste from the James Bond Wiki.
So, somebody dug up an old recording of Scott Pruitt saying "Donald Trump would wipe his ass with the Constitution and then miss the bowl and just leave the shit-covered Constitution there in the corner to get pissed on all day and then the night shift guy would have to pick it up."
Confronted with the old quote, Pruitt became glassy-eyed, intoning, "Donald Trump is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life," because ass-kissing is the currency of choice in the halls of power these days.
A Missouri GOP Senate candidate got caught espousing the sort of ideals regarding women's rights that would place him deep in the regressive right wing of any Cro-Magnon cave. ("Him like Neanderthal Tom Cotton," said Trurg, a community member who spends his days trying to beat fish to death with a club, "Me no like."
No, I'm not repeating myself. This is a DIFFERENT Missouri GOP Senate candidate. It's like Claire McCaskill has been seeding her Show-Me State rivals with damaged clones grown from Todd Akin's back hair.
And yeah, the State of the Union speech happened. Orange Julius Caesar lied a whole bunch, said a bunch of hateful ignorant shit, and then demanded to be hailed as some sort of historic unifying figure.
Mostly he was just boring. He ran out of steam pretty quickly, because the strain of, y'know, READING ALOUD FOR AN HOUR was just too much for a sloppy old man up way past his bedtime, especially when the hair-tonic-derived hallucinations started kicking in.
Of course he claimed it was the most-watched State of the Union of all time, and of course it wasn't. But it WAS the squintiest and the droniest, so congratulations, You Shouty Colon Tumor, You.
Republicans seem to believe they've hit some sort of political goldmine in the Congressional Black Caucus refusing to stand and clap for Boss Shart's horseshit line about black unemployment, (you've seen the fact-checking by now, I assume) like African-American voters are gonna find themselves inside the voting booth going, "Well, there's Trump's decades-long history of unapologetic racism, including his refusal to condemn white supremacists RIGHT AFTER ONE OF THEM COMMITTED AN ACT OF TERRORISM...but John Lewis didn't clap that one time, so MAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders thinks Nancy Pelosi should smile more. "Grimacing is MY thing, Nancy! If you start condescendingly lying to cover up for a cheap authoritarian goon's assaults American democracy, I'm getting a copyright lawyer," growled the Discourteous SHS.
Oh, and one of Shartboy's most dedicated congressional henchmen brought an actual Holocaust denier as his official guest, after appearing on InfoWars a few days back. The future of the GOP is...clear, if not quite bright.
But that Kennedy kid gave a nice little speech, didn't he? I liked the way he painted the Democrat Party as the Not Evil One.
Wandering through the Meth Country Wonderland we call "the news," we find the head of the CDC had to resign...because she bought stock in a tobacco company while heading an agency dedicated to public health. It's these little world-building details that make life under Dolt45 so authentically horrifying.
Let's check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. What've you got for us tonight, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hmmmmmm...well, I suppose we could talk about the "reverse abortion" thing.
Cap: Wh-what?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, didn't you hear about that one? The Office of Refugee Resettlement official who tried to force a totally unproven "abortion reversing" treatment on an undocumented teen in custody?
Cap: Bill, I don't think I can -
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: The teen was a rape victim, did I mention that?
Cap: JESUS. BILL.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: These are the people running the country, Cap. Trying to conduct medical experiments on teenage rape victims. And all in the name of God, no doubt.
Cap: Alright Bill, we're going to get back to the merely-terrifying news. I'm sure we'll see you sooner than we'd like.
Remember when the Pennsylvania Supreme Court told the GOP they had to redraw their ridiculously-gerrymandered congressional district map? Well, the President Pro Tempore of the Pennsylvania Senate, apparently a graduate of the Roy Moore School of Law & Milkshake Shack, said "You can shove your constitutional checks and balances where the light of justice don't shine!" before locking himself in his office, crafting a makeshift suit of armor from tinfoil and Amazon delivery boxes, topped with a Steelers helmet he bought as a gift but decided to keep, and screaming "I AM THE ONLY LAW!"
Foreign Policy tells us the Shart House dispatched Kellyanne Conway of all people to mop up the "shithole countries" fallout with a group of ambassadors from African nations. Kellyanne helpfully offered an Alternative Fact where her boss referred to their nations not as "shitholes" but "cherished allies, desirable tourist destinations, and who knows perhaps even future golf course locations?"
...I suppose better Conway than Stephen Miller.
Looks like we won't have Gowdy Doody to kick around anymore. Yes, Trey, who has grown listless since his plan to spend four years nipping at President Hillary Clinton's heels fell apart, will retire at the end of his term. Aides say he's taken to spending entire afternoons absentmindedly flipping through notebooks full of disingenuous Benghazi remarks he'd brainstormed, enough to last all the way through 2020.
Seriously though, Gowdy has apparently grown tired of increasingly negative partisan politics, a phenomenon he's had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with*.
Alright, I guess I have to talk about the MEMO now. For like, 72 paragraphs. Devin Nunes, you have ruined my whole fucking night.
Where to start?
Once upon a time, there was a Pigfucker. Named Devin. Devin lived in a magical realm called Up Donald Trump's Ass. Pigfucker Devin would do anything to protect his homeland, anything at all. The trouble is, Devin was, in addition to being a Fucker of Pigs, also a Man With the Intelligence of a Melon Baller.
Devin woke in a fever one night, overcome with inspiration, and said aloud "I shall write a memo. A Memo! Yes, a Memo for the Ages!" He was so pleased with himself that he jostled awake the Red Wattle hog he picked up at the bar by the butcher shop, and fucked it again.
"The Memo can say whatever I like," reasoned Devin. "I'll say there's a massive deep-state conspiracy against the President, that there's nothing to the Russia investigation at all, and Bob Mueller's acting out of jealousy because he can't figure out how to tie his neckties that long!"
"And the best part is, no one will DARE contradict me, because I'm the one with the MEMO!"
...not the brightest lad, our Devin.
Needless to say, like a heist film scripted by a mudskipper, Devin's plan has encountered some obstacles. Adam Schiff drafted his own counter-memo. FBI Director Christopher Wray has threatened a rebuttal of his own, perhaps also in Memo form, if he feels like keeping with the prevailing conventions.
Nunes responded by doctoring his Memo without resubmitting it to his Congressional Committee, which is really quite illegal, but that feels nitpicky here, doesn't it? And the White House kicked it back to Devin and his lackeys, who will probably dump it out with the rest of the Friday news garbage, because suddenly folks're starting to realize that Devin has a half-chewed wad of cud for a brain, and they're not looking at a smoking gun, but rather a mostly-eaten animal cracker which kinda sorta looks like a gun if you hold it just right.
It's like the Butter Battle Book, only with Memos.
But the Candycorn Skidmark clings to the hope that he's finally found his get-out-of-jail-free card, because he's apparently been getting advice from Sean Freakin' Hannity. Splendid.
I suppose I should mention that FBI Agent Peter Strzok, the dude whose text messages are supposed to prove this whole Deep State Conspiracy Against All Things Spray-Tanned and Perpetually Golfing theory, actually co-wrote the first draft of the letter James Comey would eventually use to FUCK UP THE ENTIRE GODDAMN PLANET, THANKS FOR THAT, JIMBO, about reopening the Clinton server investigation because of ANTHONY WEINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOD I CAN'T EVEN TYPE HIS FUCKING NAME WITHOUT FLYING INTO A RAGE.
I keep pinching myself, but no, this is still real life. Goddammit.
Ok, I need something to cheer myself up. Ooooooo, this'll do:
Has allegedly untouchable Drumpf shadow Hope Hicks finally stepped in a bear trap? Could be, could be. Former Team Shart legal spokesman Mark Corallo allegedly plans to tell The Bobadook that young Hope got in on some of that hot justice-obstructin' action in the heady days of desperately-trying-to-craft-a-plausible-lie-about-Junior's-Trump-Tower-meeting-with-the-Russkies.
Because we can't escape the Lovecraftian horror of 21st Century America even in comedy, Jimmy Kimmel scrapped the bottom of the MAGA outhouse to bring some genuinely horrible humans** to belch up their ignorant hatred all over a DREAMer. Stop telling me I have an obligation to reach out to, or empathize with, people who're this warped with rage. We all get one life. These folks got it wrong. Fuck 'em.
Oh hey, you remember back when Shart Garfunkel's Labor Department said, "Y'know what would make America splendiferoulsy Great Again? If restaurant owners could steal tips from servers!" Well, it turns out they actively suppressed a study that said hard working servers would lose billions to their employers who would shockingly take advantage of being allowed to steal tips by stealing tips.
The ethics crew over at HUD tapped Dr. Ben Carson on the shoulder to say "Hey, you should maybe stop letting your son tag along on all this official business, it looks kinda grifty, y'know," and Carson patted them on the head and said, "Ethics, how quaint. I think I shall use your offices to store grain."
At the GOP retreat today, President Crotchvoid thanked Orrin Hatch for talking about how much better than Lincoln and Washington he is, and we all got embarrassment shivers observing the symbiotic relationship between the Sycophant and the Guy Who Constantly Radiates "Daddy Never Loved Me Please Fill the Void in My Rusted-Over Soul."
Oh, and That Guy Who Was Manafort's Sidekick or Something and Got Indicted at the Same Time and Probably Has a Name of His Own But I Don't Give a Fuck? His legal team up and quit but their reasons for doing so are sealed and everybody thinks he's got a new team working out a deal with Mueller because he doesn't want to die in jail or something. Fun!
Ok, I'm out for the night...I've got a...MEMO to work on...
*HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAH. Hoo.
** Well. Human-shaped, at any rate.
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