TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalWell, If Your Kink Is Getting Lectured By Malevolent Cowards, This Week Was GreatN (Ferret)
So, Republicans’ meticulously maintained system of intentionally insane gun laws once again extracted its toll. And since they remain ideologically opposed to (checks notes) protecting children from gun violence, we may as well start the countdown to the next one. I understand folks come to this page for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but no fucking promises tonight.
(I promise this ranting makes more sense with the links, at least marginally: https://showercapblog.com/well-if-your-kink-is-getting-lectured-by-malevolent-cowards-this-week-was-great/)
As you are no doubt aware, an unthinkable tragedy occurred in Texas this week, when Beto O’Rourke disrupted a sacred Republican gaslighting ritual, the traditional post-mass-shooting Wingnut Victimhood Pageant, and just when they were getting to the thoughts n’ prayers, too.
Yeah, that’s really how these slugs’re playing it this time ‘round. Because shame is for cucks.
Truly, nothing reveals the pus-encrusted heart of modern conservatism more than a classroom full of butchered children. And they know this. Used to be, when a shitbag with an assault rifle slaughtered enough grade school kids, the bloodbath’s legislative enablers would at least slink into the shadows for a few days, to allow the sane, decent folk of the nation to howl in grief and rage over this price they force us to pay and pay and pay.
Even that small grace is too much to ask of these rat bastards nowadays, and yes, we’ve long understood that the cruelty is the point with these people, but their defiant, profane insistence that it is their position, atop a mass child grave, that constitutes the moral high ground…I know I say “fuck these evil scumbags” a lot, but fuck these evil scumbags.
They fully understand their position is indefensible, of course. Look at Ted Cruz, who, for all his cowardice, trained in argumentation at the finest schools in the country; he can neither navigate nor endure a simple, reasonable, entirely foreseeable discussion of current events with a journalist. He can do nothing but scamper away, whinging about how unfairly he’s been treated.
Listening to the howling rageweasels of the right wing media bubble, you could be forgiven for assuming the Uvalde massacre was something that happened to them; all roads lead back to the persecution of the poor, trod upon Real Murican, you see. To lift a finger to halt this senseless, preventable carnage would be an intolerable assault on their way of life.
Shit, they might just have to start a whole dang civil war over it. Don’t say they didn’t warn you. (That Tucker Carlson communicates like a textbook domestic abuser is another of those zany coincidences, I’m sure.)
But y’know what, creeps? Your way of life is trash. Outside of the immeasurable suffering you inflict on the world with your firearm fetish, y’all just responded to a global pandemic by throwing suicidal tantrums on a culture-wide scale. You’re not being oppressed, you losers, you’re just idiots who make terrible decisions.
This particular elementary school slaughterhouse is proving especially inconvenient for the gun manufacturers and their legislative puppets, since it so perfectly exposes the cynical sham of the deliberately useless “policies” they’ve implemented in their long, vile crusade to avoid doing the one thing that actually works.
The “good guys with guns” could not possibly have fucked things up any more, which is pretty impressive when you remember the last GGwG from a major school shooting. The district did all the things Republicans have haughtily insisted would keep kids safe. They did not keep kids safe.
And to suggest, as Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton did while the bodies were still warm, that somehow the answer here is even more deadly weapons in our schools, is not just madness, but politically incorrect, 60’s-exploitation-film-set-in-an-asylum-level madness.
What sane person would invent an imaginary epidemic of feral pig attacks to justify inaction in the face of the mass murder of children? Who fucking behaves that way? What, at long last, Senator Cassidy, is fucking wrong with you?
My own take on the divisive feral pigs issue, incidentally, is that we should stop electing them to the fucking Senate.
Oh, by the way, Senate Republicans blocked Democrats’ domestic terrorism prevention bill, to get the crowd warmed up for the main event, when they’ll block any meaningful gun control legislation, because these kids’ graves aren’t gonna piss on themselves.
Of course, no mass shooting is complete without the ceremonial Furious Republican Blaming of Random Shit. An extremely incomplete list:
Doors. “Wokeness.” The 1994 Los Angeles Dodgers’ bullpen. Critical race theory. The homeless. Bob. Carol. Ted. Alice. I guess none of it needs to make sense anymore, if it ever did; Cult45 is only too happy to blindly regurgitate whatever the yapping heads happen to screech.
US Congressman/open white nationalist Paul Gosar leaped aboard a disinformation campaign designed to pin the shooting on a transgender woman, because that’s just the sort of thing you do when your first impulse in any given situation is “spread more hate.” I’m starting to doubt there’s any bottom to this depravity, but if there is, Paul’s my pick to get there first.
And I imagine scientists could only speculate on the long-term effects of the parasitic relationship between Jason Whitlock and the psychic tapeworm devouring the remaining six ounces his brain.
Then there’s Herschel Walker. Headlines are like, What the Actual Fuck is This Idiot Saying It’s Literally Gibberish Holy Balls They’re Trying to Make Him a Fucking Senator We Are All Going to Die. At this point, I feel like, given what we know about Walker, any rational human would find the idea of making him a federal lawmaker absurd. 800,000 Georgia Republicans are really into Ionesco, I guess.
Since we’re here, yeah, I guess we may as well stumble over to the outhouse of horrors that is the 2022 Republican primary calendar.
Now, I enjoy a good Donald Trump is a Loser Who Loses So Very Hard story as much as the next guy, and, given his extensively documented shortcomings as an evaluator of fitness for office, I certainly support the idea of breaking his power as GOP kingmaker, but let us not forget that Brian Kemp and Brad Raffensperger are experienced, professional vote suppressors, who pursue all the same anti-democracy goals, with a fraction of the fuss.
Still, Chris Christie smells blood, and sure, it’s probably just leftover ketchup from a McDonald’s run during his errand boy days, but I say, dogpile away, campers, though I’ve seen enough horror films to know this fucker’s nowhere near done yet.
Wee Michael Pence busted out his best Ric Flair strut, too, as though we wouldn’t notice he couldn’t quite find the courage to oppose the guy who tried to have him lynched until the Perdue campaign was pronounced medically deceased. Whatever.
I suppose this is the appropriate spot to mention the new revelation, that Off-Brand Orbán was such a big fan of the “Hang Mike Pence” chants on January 6th that he couldn’t keep his enthusiasm to himself. Which gives all those gossipy, “Pence breaks with Trump” headlines a lil’ edge, don’tcha think?
…but they’re still never gonna vote for ya, Mikey. The faithful don’t elect Judas, that’s not how that story goes. You ate shit for four years, scorched your immortal soul beyond redemption, and all you have to show for it is history’s soggiest cracker. Them’s the breaks, you enabling taintfungus. You deserve it, by the way. You deserve it sooooooooooo much.
What a goddamn shitshow. At least somebody finally flushed the last lingering floater of the Bush clan. Bye.
Seems kinda stalemate-y in Ukraine this week, or maybe domestic atrocities simply drained me of the capacity to pay attention, who knows?
Vlad the Miscalculator may have finally shrunk his goals to a size his moron army can manage by pressing the Make Bomb Go button, but the whole world still caught him frantically rifling through his closet for Cold War tanks to replace the toys he’s so petulantly smashed.
However, now that the Shart of War has banned Morgan Freeman and John McCain from entering his shithole police state, expect Ukrainian military strategy to collapse, reliant as it is on dead legislators’ vacation plans.
So, turns out Donald Trump Jr. pays people to bait bears so he can shoot them, which is pretty much the least surprising thing I’ve ever read. The level of self-delusion it must take to look at these embarrassing people, and see strength…well, it helps explain the ivermectin thing, I suppose.
I know you’ve all worn through several fainting couches since first we met, but apparently Jared Kushner and Steve Mnuchin abused their government posts to engage in cartoonishly corrupt dealings with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud. I’m thinking of selling Shower Cap-branded smelling salts to help readers through paragraphs like this one.
Yikes. I bet everybody could use a couple of those Donald Trump is a Loser Who Loses So Very Hard stories I mentioned a little while back, right? Fear not, the week saw not one, but two massive legal setbacks for the Deposed Dotard and his criminal spawn. Death, taxes, Donald Trump losing in court.
It appears Elise Stefanik’s revolting history of spouting the white nationalist great replacement theory* landed her on Gameshow Göring’s 2024 running mate shortlist, in the event you’re still in denial about living in Hell. Nobody ever got fired from The Apprentice for Nazi shit, y’know.
Meanwhile, in Michigan, five separate Republican candidates for Governor have been disqualified for submitting fraudulent petition signatures. Also, looks like we can add “incinerating documents in the West Wing” to the list of Mark Meadows’ crimes against American democracy.
Oh, and monkeypox, too. Because fuck you, that’s why.
Yeah, this week sure did lob a steady stream of paving stones right at our collective groin, but don’t you dare give up. Because Australia just booted their own cheap Trump knockoff, and Brazil looks ready to follow suit. And hey, check out the crowd that showed up at the NRA’s unseemly propaganda festival today. Times are hot rhino shit on melba toast lately, I grant you, but this fever will break, and we will be the ones to help break it.
There’s certainly no shortage of bastards in the grinding-you-down business these days, but fuck them. All that horse dewormer is gonna catch up to ‘em someday real soon, you’ll see.
Ok, I need to go drink beer and watch professional wrestling for a couple days. Stay safe, my loves, and take care of yourselves, there’s plenty of work ahead of us.
*Which, it turns out, was about Mike Pence all along.
Another Week at the Mercy of the Murderously Mediocre (Ferrety ol' Ferret)
Keeping up with the news these days makes me feel like someone is using my skull for a vomitorium, at a party where somebody’s gross cousin brought really bad acid. Well, there’s no way that image didn’t whet your appetite, so I’ll take the liberty of assuming you’ve been hooked, and proceed.
(As ever, links + additional sensory stimulation awaits those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/another-week-at-the-mercy-of-the-murderously-mediocre/)
Vladimir Putin spends his days cross-legged on the bathroom floor, helplessly fixated on his inevitable place in the history books, as Czar Fuckup the Great Big Fucking Fuckup Who Fucked Up So Hard We Will Literally Never Stop Talking About It So Long as Humanity Persists, and sobbing. Goes through a ton of…I dunno, maybe Ben & Jerry’s, maybe cheap, Soviet-era meth.
It’s not fair, really. Call of Duty makes war look so fun n’ easy, but the reality is full of boring-yet-crucial details, like “do I understand how fuel works,” “are these tanks, or rolling death traps,” and “seriously, is anyone in this piece of shit army even literate?”
See, when you neglect that shit, you can wind up, say, shoveling the tattered remnants of your pathetic armored divisions directly into the waiting maw of enemy artillery, while your legion of clowns repeatedly fails to construct a pontoon bridge. Hypothetically speaking, of course. That would be really embarrassing, though, wouldn’t it? Like the Spanish Armada, but dumber.
Tank graveyards: betcha can’t leave just one.
Anyway, consequences pile up in a hurry when you suck this much, so Vladimir the Terrible (At His Job) now appears to be drastically scaling back battlefield objectives for the second time in less than three months. At this pace, by Labor Day, he’ll be attempting to encircle a single Ukrainian Denny’s.
And fucking that up, too.
Did you know Pootie has his own sad, caffeine-free diet shithole NATO? It’s called the “Collective Security Treaty Organization,” and while they’re considering an application from Ron DeSantis’ new secret election police force, the current roster is Russia and five former Soviet Republics with the approximate combined GDP of a reasonably busy Starbucks.
So, this fearsome alliance held a little meeting, presumably in Lukashenko’s basement, where the Belarusian strongman, who totally isn’t Putin’s puppet, (there’s a perfectly logical explanation for the KGB cufflinks that keep turning up in his stool, SHUT UP) tried to get the team all fired up about hopping on the boondoggle bandwagon. And everyone basically looked at their shoes until it was time to leave, because allies are tough to come by when you’re smashing your own military to bits for spite.
Of course, the Russians insist they’re the Real Victims™️ of their war of aggression, which flaunts their kinship with our own domestic right wing in a rather instructive manner, don’t you think?
They whine about NATO expansion, as though it’s unfair, and frankly, more than a little tacky of their neighbors to do anything but patiently await their own annexation. They whine at talk of using their seized assets (brilliant move leaving all that shit in foreign banks, by the way; that’ll come up in those history books we mentioned) to rebuild the sovereign nation they chose to invade. They whine that their enemies refuse to stop exploiting their ever-expanding smorgasbord of self-inflicted errors, and then they launch another missile at another hospital.
Yes, my dude, you are being kicked while you are down. If you don’t like it, pull your butchers back. You could give that order right now.*
But no, they’re pulling all this creepy, cultural redecorating, shipping Russian statues and textbooks and shit into occupied areas. Personally, I’d wait to see if the cheap, plastic army men can actually hold any of this fuckin’ territory before I invested in remodeling, but I suppose it’s hardly reasonable to expect budgetary prudence at this late date.
wE’Re GOiNg tO ReBUilD maRiUPOl aS a REsoRt tOWn, they yelp. You can mark me down as skeptical on that score, comrades, but feel free to invest your kids’ college money. I mean, those of you who remain in Ukraine are unlikely to do so above ground.
Because pricks have begun appearing in the propaganda bubble, (and I’m not just talking about Tucker Carlson, ayyyyyyyyyy) and you’re already scrambling to find fresh meat to toss to the howitzers, and now you can’t even drown your sorrows in a fucking McFlurry. Heck, even the handful of collaborators you’ve managed to dig up are hot trash.
Just to sum shit up, Vladkins…when they’re afraid of ya, they don’t talk about how weird ya smell.
Oh, and what a diverting gaffe from our 43th President, ho ho ho! Dubya is surely well into the Nightly Visits From Dickensian Ghosts phase of his post-presidency, so expect more of this sort of thing.
The power-mad, illegitimate SCOTUS majority decided it was simply too goshdarn difficult to bribe elected officials under current law, in Ted Cruz’s name, just to be extra shitty about it. Dunno what to tell you, the voodoo dolls I ordered off Etsy didn’t work.
Big win for the American Right in Buffalo this week, as the stochastic terror tree they tend with such care once again bore fruit, in the form of the latest subpar white boy mass murderer. Just in time for the midterms.
Now, you might expect a pundit or a politician to respond to news that their own rhetoric is indistinguishable from that of a white nationalist terrorist with something resembling contrition, or shame, but you have to understand, from where they sit, these fucks are so achingly close to a world where they can openly applaud this violence, LIKE THEY WANT TO, that it’s pretty irritating, being forced to go through the motions, say, “oh, shooting people is wrong”…since it’s not something they actually believe.
Oh, you’re exaggerating, Cap, that’s not fair, I bet Kyle Rittenhouse gets invited to hang out with the undisputed leader of the Republican Party for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with the two human beings he shot to death. I’m sure he’s insightful and amusing on a wide variety of non-murder topics.
We will not be receiving an apology from Elise Stefanik, let alone her absolutely warranted resignation, is what I’m saying. White nationalist rhetoric, is, after all, the entire reason she has Liz Cheney’s old job. And of course, should you criticize her, she’ll simply call you a pedophile until one of her fans takes matters into their own hands.
The yapping heads of the wingnut media bubble predictably provided the sweet, soothing balm of fresh victimhood to their audience of disinformation junkies, madly blaming the tragedy not on the unapologetic racism of a manifesto-confirmed white nationalist, but abortion, or “wokeness,” or the unfinished Minesweeper game on Hunter Biden’s laptop.
And it was a false flag anyway, so honestly, don’t give it another thought. (Unless you’re inspired to perpetrate a terrorist attack of your own, in which case, please follow these digital breadcrumbs until your mind is completely shattered, at which point you will be directed to the nearest gun shop.)
Nope, no one will be apologizing for this system functioning exactly as designed. Tucker Carlson’s work is measured in corpses, folks. Shit, Laura Ingraham would sue the manifesto for plagiarism if there was money in it. Meanwhile, Matt Schlapp’s over in Hungary, explicitly pitching abortion bans as offense against the “great replacement.”
Jeeeeeeezus. Even the NRA generally had the decency to slink into the shadows for a couple days, while the bodies cooled. See, it’s that lack of shame that gives fascism its kick.
Boy, there’s nothin’ quite like primary night in an era of ascendant authoritarianism, amirite? Grab a sixer, heat up some pizza rolls, wait around to see just how much Nazi shit our neighbors are in the mood for this week…the answer is never “zero” anymore, which isn’t great, if you ask me.
Still, Idaho Lt. Gov. Janice McGeachin was unable to ride her newfound celebrity in the white nationalist community to a promotion, and I’ll drink to that news. Shit, I’ll do a line of coke off Brad Little’s ass to that news; we should party like it’s 1945 every single time these shitbags lose.
For example, I’m expecting a Supreme Court showdown over the cake I’m having baked for my Madison Cawthorn Won’t Be in Congress Anymore bash this weekend.
It’s tricky, trying to pin down exactly which line young Maddy crossed to earn his death cult defenestration; must’ve been the kinky videos, or the Eyes Wide Shut Was Basically About Kevin McCarthy allegations, cuz it certainly wasn’t the penchant for gun crime or the Hitler vacation. It’s hard to tell when you’re dealing with people who guzzle livestock medication and worship a game show host who has to pay for sex.
Still, not nearly enough Congressmen vow revenge upon electoral defeat, y’know? Like, tell me Eric Cantor spends his days constructing an enormous trebuchet, and searching Zillow for a property juuuuuuust the right distance from Dave Brat’s house.
Anyway, it’s “Dark MAGA” the little crotchpimple wants now, which must mean, like, a colon tumor with teeth, erupting hourly, spewing corrosive diarrhea…what else could those three syllables possibly imply?
Which brings us to Doug Mastriano: 2020 election truther, devotee of all letters found ‘twixt P and R, and, since this is Hell, the official Republican nominee for the Pennsylvania governorship.
Doug is one of those loons who composes apocalyptic fanfic about “real men” saving civilization from the vile, hedonistic forces of People Who Disagree With Doug Mastriano, who must, of course, be destroyed at all costs, and he’s running on the promise to commit the crimes no one was willing to commit last time out. “Vote for me, and I’ll hand-pick the votes that count, in this pivotal swing state.”
“Vote for me, and we’ll never give the power back.”
Pennsylvania Dems think they’ve got the next Todd Akin here, but as someone who spent a substantial chunk of 2016 reveling in Donald Trump’s toxic unelectability, I’m gonna leave my gloating pants in the closet for now. If you can spare a buck, give Josh Shapiro’s campaign a boost, because democracy is pretty cool, and I imagine we’d all like to keep it around.
Well, not all of us. Not Doug, certainly. Not Ginni Thomas. Or Mark Meadows. Not Donald Trump, or his dirtbag lawyer, John Eastman. Not Jody Hice, or any of the other MAGA candidates seeking control over our election infrastructure. Not the Republican primary electorate in Pennsylvania, that’s for sure…we’re actually in the fight of our goddamn lives, aren’t we?
…with a regressive grievance cult that finds feeding hungry children during a formula crisis immoral. I’m willing to admit some of my previous assumptions about the fundamental decency of the average American were on the overoptimistic side.
See? Vomitorium. And while there’s no reason to think beer can wash the memory of any of this crap away, I’m gonna give it a try anyway, for science. Stay safe out there, folks.
*Putin reads my blog, right? Or Lavrov gives him bullet points, anyhow.
Starving Babies is the Pro-Life Position, You See (Ferrrrrrrret)
They were right, it truly is a mad, mad, mad, mad world; just not in a way that’s any fucking fun at all. Slap that title on a horror film? Yeah, that’s where we live. Not gonna sugarcoat this, friends, this one’s real, real gross.
(You know you get links and shiny colors over on the blog site, yeah? https://showercapblog.com/starving-babies-is-the-pro-life-position-you-see/)
Before we dig in, big, fat congrats to America on that one millionth official Covid death, though if we’re honest, we padded the numbers with a petulance-based mass suicide movement. We’re the laughingstock of the afterlife, you know that, right?
Let it be hereby proclaimed: whereas Donald Trump before him was known, within the confines of this (silly) blog, as the “Shart of the Deal,” henceforth Vladimir Putin shall be referred to, periodically at least, as the “Shart of War.” Why it took me two and half months to notice this low-hangingest of fruits is a matter for me to sort out with my fifth grade English teacher.
I’m sorry, Mrs. Putin, I’m sure your boy has other talents, but I don’t think war is a good fit. Next invasion, he should probably spend less time drafting his How I Conquered Ukraine While Shirtless and on Horseback speech, and more inspecting his army to make sure it, you know…works.
Coulda headed off a whole buncha trouble, right there. “Hey Sergey, before we launch this war of aggression, I just wanna check in real quick…does the army work?” “What do you mean, mein Führer?” “Like, can it do army stuff? Winning battles, running supply lines, that sort of thing?” “Ah. I understand now. No, mein Führer.” “Well, shit.”
Yeah, that probably wasn’t the “Victory Day” speech Vladkins had planned, (runnin’ out of jet fuel, kid?) back when he was fapping to fantasies of confetti and collaboration. You know you’ve got a completely unspinnable turd on your hands when a dude who runs a whole-ass police state treads so lightly. On the bright side, Genocidal Fuckups Day is looking like an easy layup.
Aw, cheer up, Poots, at least your boys’re getting better at retreating. But do go on about all the objectives your Special Military Operation™️ keeps meeting. It’s all very convincing, and I’m sure your big, scawy thweats will keep Sweden and Finland from joining NATO, on account of how backupable they are.
In the relatively short history of superpowers, I feel like they don’t, generally speaking, tend to leave a lot of “tank graveyards” behind in the wake of humiliating retreats, but I’m certainly no expert. I’m speaking specifically of the tank graveyard that has become a tourist attraction in the country you thought you could conquer in a week. Oh, and the war crimes trials are already starting, that happens to superpowers all the time. Threaten away, though.
Rand Paul, having really settled into the “bloviating self-parody” phase of his career, single-handedly held up the latest round of bipartisan Ukraine aide, which won’t derail the bill, only delay it. You know, the sort of petty shit Rand pulls all the time, the way Susan Collins asserts her mewling, futile concern. SO WEIRD that Ron Paul’s kid has a pathological craving for attention-seeking misbehavior, innit?
I can’t be the only one who pictures salivating cartoon hyenas when I read about all the rights America’s power-drunk white resentment cult is already targeting, now that the illegitimate theocrat SCOTUS majority has shown its hand on Roe v. Wade, can I?
Tate Reeves, who, as Governor of Mississippi, somehow led a state in the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history to a third-world Covid death rate, practically wet himself on Jake Tapper, at the mere suggestion of banning contraception, like some tenth-rate Taliban warlord. Not even warlord. Does the Taliban have, like, shift managers?
And then there’s Stew “Best Buds with the Lt. Governor of Idaho” Peters, who doesn’t seem to feel the need to be quite so subtle about the world the American Right hopes to build.
Y’know, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he might’ve stopped himself from comparing women to reptiles on the Senate floor, but then, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he wouldn’t be a Republican Senator, now would he?
So, it would appear the fearsome might of the U.S. presidency resided, for four goddamn years, with a fellow who believed China was shooting us with…lord, I’m embarrassed just typing it…with a hurricane gun.
He would be the dumbest person on any playground in America, and they’ve made him their king, and their God.
Incidentally, seems the hurricane gun guy wanted to court-martial a few retired generals, for the high crime of daring to criticize the Most Holy and Smart Acer of the Cognitive Test, Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for, “Did I mention the HURRICANE GUN?”
He also proposed closing every single U.S. embassy on the African continent, but I’m sure if you just pass one more critical race theory ban, no one will notice how racist your white nationalist hate cult is.
…and this is the Party of Lincoln’s mighty kingmaker.
At least the good people of Nebraska will be spared the gropey governorship of Chuck Herbster. But in West Virginia, Team Treason picked up a W, after successfully hanging a vote for the bipartisan infrastructure bill around the incumbent’s neck, because only cucks want bridges that don’t collapse. My compliments to the disinformation chef; you’ve managed to make these rubes despise their own roads…once you break a human mind, the sky truly is the limit, isn’t it?
Didja see that thing in the Washington Post, that laid out everything we know to date about Mark Meadows’ treacherous conduct during the Stoopid Coo? I remember each individual scandal, from months of steadily-trickling headlines, but when compiled like this, the shit reads like the plot synopsis of some sordid, straight-to-video, Tom-Clancy-meets-Joe-Eszterhas boondoggle. Which is essentially what it was.
First off, he and his shitbag wife pull their brazenly clumsy bit of voter fraud, and then from there, he spends two months careening through the federal government, swinging a ball peen hammer around his head, blindly hoping to smash enough shit to break American democracy forever. Which is not how I remember Leo McGarry behaving on the West Wing, frankly.
Many of Meadows’ skeeviest co-insurrectionists now face subpoenas from the House committee investigating January 6th, having obstinately refused to align themselves with the forces of decency and democracy in the struggle against hatred, violence, and authoritarianism. Cuz they’re the party of law n’ order, y’see.
A court in California overturned a law forbidding the sale of semiautomatic firearms to anyone under the age of 21, and there’s certainly nothing insane about a society that prioritizes the rights of mass shooters over the lives of their victims. Nosireebob. Rational decisions only, here in 21st century America.*
One America Nooz Network wants you to know that, unlike every other glob of septic waste they shovel into your brain, the stuff about 2020 election fraud is fake-ass news, and my GOD doesn’t it feel good, watching the Big Lie take such a stout legal spanking? Now, if we can just do something about all the Big Liars seeking control of the nation’s election infrastructure, we might just be able to hang onto our country.
Meanwhile, the Republican War on Disney For Not Hating Gay People Enough led a gang of swastika flag-waving asspimples to the Magic Kingdom, to screech about “grooming,” and, as you know, wherever American Nazis rear their subpar heads, Josh Hawley can’t be far behind….yeah, when Nazis and Senators are saying the same things, you KNOW you’re in a healthy democracy.
Like, lookit Dan Crenshaw and Marjorie Taylor Greene, clawing and puking and flinging poo at one another….there’s room for all kinds of maniacs under the GOP tent, with its profane, Lovecraftian angles.
But Madison Cawthorn and this Kathy Barnette person are TOO crazy, I guess; and yeah, I imagine the job of death cult gatekeeper has its challenges, but then, each passing day is a fresh, new opportunity to come to your fucking senses, and join us here on the side where insanity isn’t incentivized.
Republicans’re mad at Joe Biden for shining a spotlight on Rick Scott’s “abandoning serfdom was a mistake” economic plan, but not mad enough to actually present the public with alternative party platform, don’t be silly.
I guess there’s a new grand jury looking into that thing where the Deposed Dotard stuffed his pockets on the way out with as many classified documents as he could wrap those tiny, inadequate fingers around, that’s good. Say, we should get Trey Gowdy to head up an investigation into this poor, persecuted intel; he’s quite passionate about the issue, if I remember correctly.
So, Elon Musk spent $44 billion to buy his fascist loser buddy’s Twitter account back for him, because emotionally stunted man-babies of a feather stick together, I guess. Wonder what he’d have to pay to reinstall Steve Schmidt on Meghan McCain’s Xmas card list?
Or maybe the little freak isn’t buying Twitter after all. Either way, I mostly just resent this inescapable toddler for the space his misanthropic antics take up in our culture. Can’t you just build a lair somewhere, and lure spies into death traps?
If anybody out there is somehow still reading this diatribe, I regret to inform you that, despite the preceding tales of atrocity and abuse, we are only just now arriving at the bottom of this week’s barrel. If anybody needs a moment to like, clean the projectile vomit off the wall, now would be a good time to take care of that.
And let me start by saying that I legitimately do not blame Republicans for hitting Biden on the formula shortage; (though of course the administration is doing all it can) that’s Politics 101, and we’re all adults here.
…but to frame the issue as RACE TRAITOR BIDEN STARVES WHITE INFANTS TO FEED INVADING BORDER HORDE, as so many prominent Republicans have, just…like, are you proud of yourself for fueling hatred of brown babies?
And I understand that one of the primary appeals of your creepy, post-shame culture is that such buffoonish hypocrisy no longer bothers you, but this hideous lurch, from sanctimonious lectures about “life” directly to DESPISE THESE BABIES THEY WANT TO REPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU…it’s a little much, guys.
That said, I would like to respectfully resubmit my request that y’all cut it out with all this Nazi shit.
All I want to know about this supermassive black hole is, is it a place where no one is around to shriek about toy potato gender, or the sacred right to chug livestock dewormer, and if so, how the fuck do I get there? I will become an edgelord billionaire solely to build a rocket to take me to that place, if it exists, so help me God.
So, if you’ll excuse me, I need a sandpaper-and-bleach bath now. FUCK. I’ll see you next week; try not to hate any babies while I’m out.
*No, YOUR country’s right-wing extremists staged a terrorist assault on the seat of government! Shut up!
The Susan Collinsest Susan Collins That Ever Susan Collinsed (Ferret)
Wooooooo…rough one this week, even by the weary, battered standards of the year two thousand twenty-two. Well, grab yourself a beer, or a whiskey, or a great big slice of cake, or, I dunno, your favorite tentacle porn video, whatever gets you goin’, and let’s stare this fucker straight in the eye, if only to let it know we’re not afraid.
(Shiny are the colors and nifty are the news links in the version of this post found here: https://showercapblog.com/the-susan-collinsest-susan-collins-that-ever-susan-collinsed/)
So, I’m guessing by now you’ve heard about Sammy Alito’s little Guess Whose Rights I’m Taking Away This Summer essay. I have to say, there’s nothing quite so disturbing as a Republican reveling in his own abuse of power; and of course, punishing so many uppity women all at once, conceivably for generations yet to come, is every religious fanatic’s wettest dream made reality. So it’s pretty gross out there.
Within the snug, padded confines of the wingnut outrage bubble, (“Where YOU’RE always the victim, no matter whose neck your boot is crushing!”) the real scandal here isn’t a deranged, illegitimate, theocrat court abusing their purloined authority to steal millions of Americans’ rights, in vicious defiance of the public will, but rather…that the opinion leaked.
Because I guess the plan was to keep the whole thing secret. Quiet, like. Slide it into the Friday news dump, everybody just shrugs and moves on to whatever’s on HBO.
I understand that rationality isn’t really a “thing” on the right these days, but they truly seem to expect folks to docilely accept the steady erosion of their rights by a resentment-fueled, kakistocrat minority. Which is precisely the sort of crap that led to America in the first place, if you think about; congratulations on devolving into a tawdry parody of the villains in your own national founding myth.
Now, we’ve all seen this day coming, and we all knew exactly how Susan Collins would behave when it came, but actually sitting through the obscene spectacle of her sputtering, stupid, self-justifying lies made me puke on my shoes. Fortunately, I keep a pair for just such occasions; they were still a bit crusty from that gloaty lecture she delivered when she stuck the nation with Kavanaugh in the first place.
Incidentally, the Senator from Moderate Cloud Cuckoo Land has already announced she won’t be backing Senate Dems’ reproductive rights bill, offering an unusually insulting bit of swiftly-debunked horseshit as justification, because she’s Susan Collins, and these are simply the sorts of things one does when one is Susan Collins. It would be funny, I suppose, if it weren’t for all the senseless human suffering she’s caused.
And of course, various regional cells of the American Taliban have all sorts of additional legislative vileness on tap, eager to test the limits of this mad new majority’s tolerance for authoritarianism. I don’t imagine we’ve seen the last wave of fuckery out of Anti Choicey Barrett and her power-drunk gang of thugs, is all I’m saying.
Fucking hell. Well, let’s switch to a lighter topic for a minute, like Ukraine, and the War of Misguided Russian Aggression, where Vladimir Putin’s multifaceted master plan gallops along with nary a hitch.
See, Poots wanted the world to spend three weeks watching his cut-rate military fail and fail and fail to capture the Azovstal steel plant; it serves the nifty dual function of providing endless hours of content documenting senseless civilian suffering, which happens to be the fuel that runs the engine that’s been delivering that merciless supply of increasingly-powerful western weapons that keep popping up on the other side of the ol’ battlefield, AND advertising the inescapable incompetence of his own forces, as if to demonstrate to the entire world that he is helpless to prevent them from kicking him while he’s down, so mired is he in this mess of his own making.
Good luck with your speech, though. Gonna go great.
And you gotta love the off-the-record-wink-wink victory lap the Biden Administration is taking over providing the intelligence Ukraine has used to take out Russian generals n’ warships n’ such; Joe’s practically playing “why’re you hitting yourself” with the big, scary KGB man.
Meanwhile, the Russian diplomatic corps seems determined to equal the self-destructive incompetence of their comrades in the field. Sergey Lavrov, who is somehow Foreign Minister of a regime that fancies itself a superpower, figured that what this fraught moment called for was a casual, “Look, Hitler was basically Jewish,” no doubt earning himself an amusing little sidebar in the diplomacy school textbooks of tomorrow.
One is tempted to suggest that Vlad just isn’t sending his best, but he totally is, isn’t he? There doesn’t appear to be a solitary strong link in the entire Russian chain of command.
The Failing New York Times debuted an experimental new horror section, publishing a three-part deep dive into Tucker Carlson, the throbbing, acid-spewing tumor at the heart of ascendant American fascism, and the apparatus he uses to spread his infection: the tauntingly Orwellian Fox News Channel. Here in this childishly scatological blog, we’ve seen Liar Tuck for the assiduous manufacturer of goose-stepping terrorists he is for a while now, but it’s nice to see th’paper of record finally catching up.
Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene are not, I’m sad to report, behind bars where they belong, but actively campaigning for J.D. Vance, who, as the sort of fellow who willingly associates with violence-inciting maniacs and child molesters, would, I think, make for a very poor Senator indeed. Congrats on your big primary “victory,” J.D., though I imagine that painting in your attic is in rough shape by now.
Speaking of Republican primaries, I see the death cult felt like spicing up the expected slate of Q-addled shitwits, nominating a charming fellow who finds himself currently incarcerated for KILLING HIS CANCER-STRICKEN WIFE with a “concrete, gallon-sized flower pot.” Andrew Wilhoite, you’re gonna fit right in.
The shittier the human the better, as far as Cult45 is concerned. God knows Idaho Lt. Governor Janice McGeachin has been having the time of her life, wallowing in the white nationalist hog pen she tripped into a few weeks back, at Nick Fuentes’ Grievance Gala for the White and Subpar. Cool friends, Janice.
Greg Abbott’s sorry bid for his own fifteen MAGA minutes failed to capture the mob’s attention, let alone their adoration, and now he’s just the guy who gave some undocumented migrants a bus ride to D.C. at Texas taxpayers’ expense. Real nice work, kid.
People who attempt things as foolish and ignoble as mimicking Donald Trump’s political tactics shouldn’t be in charge because they’re shitty, hateful people. People who make the attempt, and fail as spectacularly as Abbott shouldn’t be in charge because they’re fucking idiots. I’m sure there’s a third reason Abbott shouldn’t be in charge, but do you really need it?
Former Turd Reich Defense Secretary Mark Esper’s new book is apparently chock-full of anecdotes about Wee Donnie One-Term trying to get the Pentagon to slaughter people for him, be they peacefully protesting American citizens, or whoever might find themselves on the receiving end of the missiles he proposed lobbing into Mexico, believing evading responsibility for this act of war on a neighboring ally would be as simple as blaming a fart on the dog, or Eric probably, now that I think about it.
One obvious thought here is that “trigger-happy” is maybe not the best quality for a Commander in Chief. You never hear a story about Donald Trump asking if the army could like, cut through all the goddamn red tape and just deliver food to hungry children, y’know? Just periodic, sullen stabs at I Can Haz Secret Police?
Which is why I certainly wish Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis well with that shiny, new grand jury over in Georgia. I know you’re not supposed to have favorites, but of all the legal challenges besieging the nitwit cabal that tried to steal my country, this is the one that holds my heart. And maybe that’s because I just really, really hope it’s formally written down somewhere that it’s illegal to call up an election official and brazenly ask him to fraudulently alter voting results.
Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson is like that recurring sitcom character who reliably demonstrates a single predictable behavior, and that behavior is “uncritically accepting any and all Covid conspiracy theories, however bizarre and/or imbecilic.” In a truly regrettable coincidence, Johnson’s lone other significant trait is that he’s one of 100 currently serving United States Senators.
Madison Cawthorn has gotten himself into so much unsettlingly weird trouble, and at such a young age, that I’m honestly starting to feel insecure about my own productivity levels. Like, this kid’s bucket list is deeeeeeply fucked up, yes, but he’s certainly checkin’ shit off. (And may I gently suggest it’s in the national interest to get this little Nazi creep the fuck out of Congress before he works his way to the bottom?)
Seems Lauren Boebert has “written” a “book,” and admit it, you’re morbidly curious to witness the contortions this poo-flinging fascist dolt undertakes to craft a hero narrative around herself. She should call it, “My Struggul.”
In such jet-black times, you gotta take the good news wherever you can find it; in this week’s case, in the welcome twist at the end of an otherwise unpleasant headline like, “GOP candidate who told women to "enjoy" rape suffers surprise loss.”
Lotta magic in those last three words, don’tcha think? “Suffers surprise loss.” Say ‘em out loud…pretty sweet, huh? And I believe there’re plenty of opportunities to hang those same three words on a whole bunch of aspiring autocrats this November. Let’s sneak up on ‘em while they’re measuring the drapes, shall we?
Just…don’t let the bastards grind you down. Because they’re trying to. And because we’re absolutely going to beat the fuckers, no matter how long it takes, and you’re gonna want to be there for that. Till then, stay safe out there, Resisters…
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