TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalI Hope Ruth Bader Ginsburg Haunts the Shit Out of These Assholes (Th'Ferret)
So, I was feeling kinda judgy about the latest cynical serving of Jurassic Product, you know, “you honestly expect me to believe they’d keep making dinosaurs after five movies’ worth of T-rex rampages” kind of stuff, but then I gave a moment’s passing thought to American society’s capacity/willingness to learn from history’s mistakes, and I didn’t feel so fancy anymore.
(Some of this stuff makes no damn sense without links, so click here: https://showercapblog.com/i-hope-ruth-bader-ginsburg-haunts-the-shit-out-of-these-assholes/)
So, a theocrat, a drunken mediocrity and an insurrectionists’ spouse walk into a bar. Excuse me, not a bar, I meant “the Supreme Court,” where the illegitimately installed operatives of a tyrannical minority continue incinerating the Constitution with their purloined blowtorch. Yeah, the evil fucks went and did it. I suppose you don’t go to all the trouble of stealing that sort of power without plans to abuse it.
Anyway, in accordance with the dictates of our dominionist overlords, all members of the gender which shall henceforth be referred to as “broodmare” must provide a permission slip, certifying completion of all domestic chores, before reading this blog, signed by a male guardian/owner. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, the most malicious zealots alive do.
Of course, it’s not all medieval regression at the Supreme Court; while women lose rights by the bushel, guns gain new privileges every day. Yes, still dripping blood from Uvalde and Sandy Hook, they strut obscenely to and fro, squawking about how much they value the lives of children. Anyway, looking forward to 2028’s Gaetz-Greitens Act, formally enfranchising the nation’s firearms.
Oh, and more fun, American taxpayers are now obligated to fund any wingnut indoctrination camp masquerading as a “religious school.” I’m starting to understand why this ideology has trouble attracting an electoral majority.
Of course, even this radical assault on human rights and the will of the people isn’t enough for Clarence Thomas, who’s already getting new boots made for the next set of necks.
Fucking hell, and that’s just the SCOTUS beat.
The week started innocently enough, with a more-laughable-than-usual deployment of the right-wing nutjobosphere’s clunky, sputtering, faux outrage machine, in service to the, let’s call it “questionable” legal theory that a briefly detained Stephen Colbert film crew is somehow morally and legally equivalent to a certain hate-crazed mob that inflicted 140 casualties on Capitol law enforcement. And that seems silly, yes, but remember, there’s always a fifty-fifty chance Chuck Todd’ll platform your horseshit as a completely valid point of view.
But then the Republican Party of the Revanchist Shithole Called Texas had to go and make things scary. They’re not fucking around down there, folks. And can I just say, I’m honestly surprised that Texas Log Cabin Republicans thought the state GOP convention, in the summer of 2022, would be a safe space. Physically. This is not 2015. It’s not even 2020.
No, it’s Openly Menace Dan Crenshaw and His Staff in the Halls time now, folks. When DAN CRENSHAW isn’t crazy enough for your roving gang of thugs, gun control was needed yesterday.
Which brings us to John Cornyn, another fella who was lucky to get out of that Klan rally alive. Hey, looks like we’re actually going to get a new federal gun control law, how ‘bout that? And yeah, John, how ‘bout how quickly the throng turned on you? Like lightning, wasn’t it? For your grudging, meager efforts to finally, FINALLY do as little as humanly possible to stem the flow of little kids’ blood pooling on the floor of the U.S. Senate?
Outside of the bubbling undercurrent of potential street violence, and gosh, won’t that be fun to normalize, the rest of the convention was…well, equally appalling. Fealty sworn to known lies and unapologetic bigotry. Democracy is for cucks, stuff like that. Starting to get 1939 MSG vibes from GOP gatherings, which I don’t love.
Anyway, to all the Texas Republicans who suddenly understand how it feels to have your life threatened by this hate mob y’all built, (and armed, that was smart; real long-term thinkers, conservative lawmakers) you are welcome to pick up a bucket and start fighting this fire any damn day now.
Because Eric “Violent Sex Criminal” Greitens might just ride that terrifying There’s Only One Real Pro-Political Violence Candidate in This Race And His Name is Me ad all the way to Washington, even as Herschel Walker twists a life of lies and abuse into ever more and more evangelical adulation. This is, as Shakespeare so famously said, some deeply fucked-up shit.
Y’know what? Somebody in Congress should investigate this stuff, especially the way it exploded in a sloppy, premature, frankly embarrassing orgasm of loser white boy terrorism last January. Hang on, I’m receiving a note…oh right, the hearings!
Actually, Bennie and the Jets’re doing a damn fine job. They understand the assignment, and they’re weaving a concise, compelling, emotionally impactful narrative. And holy crud, it’s lookin’ more and more like they’re actually reaching some changeable minds! I thought we were just about out of those, y’know?
‘Course, all the mountains of damning, irrefutable evidence certainly didn’t hurt the cause. Hindsight is 20/20, but I admit I never appreciated the way the first 44-or-so Presidents declined the opportunity to spend the transition period pursuing increasingly outlandish schemes to cling to power. Especially considering history has more or less proven Italian satellites cost Martin Van Buren reelection.
Yes, on one level, this was a bungling wad of dumbasses, lurching haphazardly about, trying stupid, stupid shit that was never going to fucking work, but it was still quite a bit fashier than you’d like to see from the White House. Ideally. Not to seem critical or anything.
Quite a lot of eager little brownshirts in the Freedumb Caucus, too, now that I think of it…Biggs, Brooks, Greene, Jordan, Gohmert, Gosar, Perry, all groveling for pardons after their treacherous machinations collapsed…bonus audacity points to Matt “Oh, And Leave Some Blank Space So I Can Write In A Few Sex Crimes Later” Gaetz.
And Ron Johnson can pretend to be on the phone with his Canadian girlfriend all he likes, he’s still been caught red-handed participating in a conspiracy to overturn a free and fair election, but hey, at least it’s been a couple weeks since he found any wacky new Covid conspiracy theories to uncritically parrot.
Well, Jeffrey Clark finally received his overdue federal law enforcement raid, no doubt uncovering the nude Jon McNaughton portrait he had commissioned back when he believed he had the Attorney General’s salary to look forward to. Much has been made of Jeffrey’s manifest unfitness for the post, as though that wasn’t the whole reason Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot wanted him in the first place. “Sure, the resume’s a little thin, but I just find the way he goes, ‘whatever you require, Mein Führer’ endearing, don’t you?”
I guess I could spend the decades it would take to untangle the twisted ethical logic behind Rusty Bowers’ “Well, he asked me to violate my oath and my faith and tried to end democracy in America, but HECK YEAH I’d vote for him again!” stance, but fuck it, that’s Rusty’s therapist’s job. I’m tired.
Noted lynch mob target Michael Pence figured this was the appropriate week to feebly wheeze that Joe Biden is the dishonestest fellow to e’er sully the Oval with his rank untruthfulhood and lying liarpants, and Mike, my dude, while I appreciate that you still need to run face-first into this windmill a couple more times before you understand your completely obvious place in MAGA history, there is only one major political party in this country that does not actively seek your death, and I just think you should be nicer to us is all.
Because we are nowhere near done with stories of th’Base’s steadily increasing fondness for violence, and threats of violence. The hearings spent a whole day on that shit, because the Republican Party just incites that much terrorism.
So I’ll take “Recent Death Threats to United States Congressmen” for $200, Alex.
“This Iraq-veteran-slash-death-cult-apostate’s wife received an anonymous letter threatening the life of their 5-month-old child”
Who is Adam Kinzinger. Same category, $400.
“This former Presidential candidate received a homophobic death threat immediately (fucking IMMEDIATELY) after being targeted on Twitter, with debunked conspiracy theories for good measure, by Marjorie Taylor Greene”
Who is Eric Swalwell. I hope the readers don’t expect to me to take this bit any further, Alex, but I think it worked up to this point. This has been fun, we should do it again.
Apparently it’s just now occurring to Off-Brand Orbán, here in the inevitable aftermath of Kevin McCarthy’s the-fuck-were-you-thinking, Gym-Jordon-or-nuthin’ “strategy”concerning the January 6th commission, that the wannabe Speaker might be not be so great at leadering. All MAGA political operations are like that snake story, only with “idiot” instead of “snake,” have you noticed that?
I cringed so hard my forearms snapped, watching Lindsey Graham, clearly shell-shocked by the enormity of Everything He’s Done, tremblingly praise his deposed master for…his ability to instill fear. Jeeeeeeeezus. Boot polish makers must put an addictive chemical in their shit, exactly like cigarettes, but it’s only dudes like Lindsey Graham who ever find out about it.
Yeah, Lindsepher, when a fascist gets a taste of real power, and tries to seize more, the first thing he does is, he goes looking for a few weak men. Donald Trump found you. And how lucky he was in the finding, and how unlucky the rest of us. Don’t worry, history won’t forgetcha, and someday very soon, a weaselly character actor might just win an Academy Award for playing you. I hope you live to see it. Sincerely.
The newest Republican Representative is already lying to cover up her history of spreading Q shit, and with distressing ease and comfort, I might add. Oh, and congressional candidate Jerone Davison hired Austin “Baby Q” Steinbart to run his campaign…who is “Baby Q,” you ask? Well, that is quite a tale. A tale that involves time travel, a prison sentence, and, ahem, a “synthetic penis.” Soon, “moderate” Republicans will be the ones who just believe in Pizzagate, maybe a Jewish space laser or two, scoffing haughtily at the Lizard People Made Me Dry Hump That Mailbox Caucus.
Well, I’ve gotta head out, throw up some fencing to fend off the velociraptors that’re surely on their way. You stay safe out there. I, uh, hope nobody takes any more of your rights away.
The Law Firm of Giuliani, Eastman, & Clark: Insurrecting Incompetently Since 2020 (Ferrrrrret)
Are we absolutely certain it was heat that killed all those cows in Kansas? Did anybody check to see if any of them had, like, a Twitter account? Cellphone with a couple news apps? Because it’s been a lot lately, y’know? Just…a lot.
(Links aplenty await those who dare to click…here: https://showercapblog.com/the-law-firm-of-giuliani-eastman-clark-insurrecting-incompetently-since-2020/)
Well, the second week of the Capitol Riot hearings kicked off with the image of a shitfaced Rudy Giuliani, stumbling around on election night, leaking god knows how many bodily fluids, in search of any potential collaborators who might’ve been feelin’ a little DTI, (that’s “down to insurrect” in the parlance of the modern young person) and degenerated into primal, gibbering delirium from there.
As you’ll recall, the whole bath-salts-on-rye-toast legal theory animating the Stoopid Coo was the attempt to recast then-Vice President Pence as some sort of human Get Out of Jail Free card, or a lamp you could rub (not in front of Mother, of course) to get three treasonous wishes.
And no, that does not make a metric lick of sense, but given Donald Trump’s well-established lack of regard for human life, and a management style based on elevating whatever turd-gargling moron happens to tell him what he wants to hear, the dumbest of all possible constitutional crises was probably inevitable.
Leading the charge were the likes of John Eastman and Jeffrey Clark, subpar bureaucrat types driven to high crimes by the intoxicating prospect of ruling America forever. They fully understood what they were attempting was immoral, and illegal, and would surely lead to widespread unrest and violence, but, y’know…YOLO.
Ol’ Johnny E certainly left the digital paper trail of a man who expected to see the end of the rule of law in the United States. Lordy. How long till we learn Ginni Thomas had a few Oath Keepers over for an afternoon of cucumber sandwiches, bridge, and bomb-making?
For a man who couldn’t pass a third grade social studies test, Eastman was actually quite astute in his assessment that what John Eastman needed after weeks of sustained treachery was a presidential pardon, because hey, even a stopped clock. He didn’t get one, by the way…you gotta camp out for that shit, hoss.
On the grassroots level, plans were equally Gohmertian, as the shit-from-unusually-stupid-bats plan outlined in the Proud Boys’ “1776 Returns” document demonstrates. I’m endlessly thankful for the American fascist’s cerebral deficiencies; sometimes I wonder if our best tools for derailing dictatorship won’t ultimately prove to be unheeded warnings on hair dryers and chainsaws and whatnot.
Even with so much historic fuckery to document, the January 6th committee still made time to remind Cult45 that their cheap, grifter god pockets every dollar they donate, with nary a stray nickel set aside for the restoration of American greatness, but we’re talking about the most bilkable creatures to e’er walk the Earth; they’d only spend it on doomsday food buckets and pro-lynching t-shirts.
Georgia Congressthug Barry Loudermilk has changed his story regarding the tour of the Capitol he led last January 5th so many times, you’d think he was auditioning for a gig with the Uvalde PD. I believe the latest-but-by-no-means-last version asks us to believe the charming fellow who recorded himself threatening multiple Congressmen wasn’t conducting reconnaissance, he was merely a wall sconce aficionado. We’re not all docile death cultists, Barry.
Seditious attorney Jenna Ellis joined Doug “Nice Swing State Ya Got There, Be a Shame If Anybody Imposed Christian Nationalism On It” Mastriano’s gubernatorial campaign, and my, my, isn’t Josh Shapiro looking all handsome lately, with his well-tailored suits and lack of authoritarian tendencies?
Four opposition researchers working for Raphael Warnock’s Senate campaign died from exhaustion this week, and at press time, it is believed as many as 1 in 12 Americans may be Herschel Walker’s unclaimed children.
It must also be noted that Herschel has never been an FBI agent, or a law enforcement officer of any kind; and most of us haven’t, I suppose, but then, most of us aren’t running for federal office on a resume conjured from the self-aggrandizing daydreams of a domestic abuser. Other Walker claims, for example that he invented the spatula, and taught Tony Hawk to skate, are probably legit, though.
But yeah, the 2022 GOP primary season continues to unfold like a swarm of plague rats drowning in a Lollapalooza porta potty.
More than 100 of the Party o’ Lincoln’s nominees spout the Deposed Dotard’s debunked election lies, including candidates for the very offices tasked with overseeing elections. See, Americans’re actually totally unified in striving to learn from the mistakes of January 6th…there’s just a bit of a partisan gap on what, precisely, those mistakes were.
And if you want a fun little teaser of the world our elephantine countrymen hope to build, look no further than Otero County, New Mexico, where the elected commission/canvassing board, led by convicted Capitol Rioter/self-professed “Cowboy for Trump” Couy Griffin, refused to certify recent primary election results, just cuz. Just cuz they’re crazy people who’ve been handed a little power to abuse, and they’re testing the fences to see how much they can get away with.
Oh, and yet another QAnon adherent, Mayra Flores, has been elected to Congress, so expect Marjorie Taylor Greene’s bill banning federal funding for Jewish space lasers to pick up steam, unless the deep state intervenes.
Flores will fit right in with caucusmate Greg Steube, who is apparently caveman-at-a-flume-park-level stupefied by the tricksy images on the magic talking television box, and wouldn’t it be neat if our elected leaders were better at discerning reality than house cats?
Lord knows, reality is hard on a wingnut, whether he’s dying on a ventilator despite a bellyful of ivermectin, or throwing an unhinged, juvenile, misogynistic, career-ending shitfit in a Wisconsin courtroom, defending the Big Lie. Not just their policies, but their delusions must be granted supremacy now, you see.
I know the Constitution doesn’t explicitly guarantee liberty from the tyranny of the imaginary, but that’s only because the Founding Fathers failed to adequately grasp the bottom limits of human intelligence. If you’re feeling up for a peek into the mouth of madness, check out WaPo’s profile of a woman who calls herself “Burnitdown,” a diehard MAGA drone who has, for years, dutifully poured every proffered drop of poison into her skull, until her brain was functionally pickled. And now she’s active in local politics. Sleep tight.
Speaking of conservative activists, 31 of the sorriest specimens of what passes for manhood on the alt-right helpfully bundled their subpar asses together in the back of a U-Haul, so law enforcement could arrest them all together, before they could execute their planned attack on a Pride parade in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho.
And though this latest white supremacist terror plot (my punch card filled up again, remind me to redeem my free slushee) occurred in the middle of an incessant barrage of anti-LGBTQ fear-mongering by prominent Republicans ranging from Ron DeSantis to Ken Paxton to the screeching heads of Fux Nooz, it’s unfair to draw the obvious conclusion, because CANCELCULTURELAMESTREAMMEDIACRITICALRACETHEORY, and you can’t deny the logic in that.
Golly, the Children of the Candy Corn must’ve busted out the good meth, such were their wild, triumphal writhings at the news that Anthony Fauci tested positive for Covid. I guess when JFK Jr. keeps no-showing your resurrection parties, you learn to settle.
Meanwhile, DeSantis, in an act of almost incomprehensible madness and malice, made his government an unnecessary obstacle between parents and the life-saving coronavirus vaccine, now that it’s finally been approved for use in young children. Death cult politics sure get wacky, huh? “Fuck your kids’ health, Daddy’s got brainwashed imbeciles to pander to!”
Montana Governor Greg Gianforte pulled a Cancun Cruz, and left the miserable plebs, excuse me, “his constituents” to rot during a flooding crisis, while he vacationed abroad, no doubt in search of exotic new journalists to assault. Republicans have a thousand ways to tell their voters, “I do not care if you live or die screaming,” but of course, said voters are famous for their feces-clogged ear canals.
Alas and alack, the official pillow of sedition will no longer be available for purchase on the shelves of your local Walmart, but on the bright side, watching Mike Lindell melt down hasn’t gotten old yet.
Well, I imagine everyone’s barf bag is more or less full by now, so I’ll sign off here. Stay safe out there, m‘loves. Like the old folk saying goes, “may no U-Hauls stuffed with armed white nationalists cross your path.”
Maybe The Real Capitol Riot Is The Friends We Made Along the Way (Ferret)
I know I can’t be the only one out there who keeps the Hamilton cast recording on in the car, just as I’m surely not the only one who shouts “oh go fuck yourself” every time they get to the part that goes “look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” Read the goddamn room, Hamilton.
(It all makes more sense with links, promise: https://showercapblog.com/maybe-the-real-capitol-riot-is-the-friends-we-made-along-the-way/)
There must be some kind of unofficial competition between Republican officeholders, to see who can indignantly shriek the nuttiest gobbledygook in the wake of a school shooting. And like, I grok that Republicans instinctually, unquestioningly circle the wagons around any proffered talking point, however ridiculous, (the Kochs train ‘em well) but all this sputtering, fake outrage about the unforgivably bounteous number of doors threatening our children's safety…how do you get through that shit without giggling, or, y’know, melting into a puddle of shame?
For that matter, how many pens do you have shove up your fucking nose before suggesting the problem isn’t guns, but smartphones? Do they not have smartphones in Europe, Congressman?
But the trophy (a bronzed urinal, surely, overflowing with ivermectin and hooker piss) goes to Wisconsin’s official State Idiot: Ron Johnson, who I’m certain would lose a spelling bee to a yak. “Why are we even talking about gun control when the true mass-murderer of innocent children is HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP DERP DERPY DERP” To even allow such a preposterous thought to congeal, let alone to express it, in front of recording devices…if dumbfuckery is an art form, RoJo is its Picasso.
Another giant in that field would be Louie Gohmert, who actually went on television to lament, “If you're a Republican, you can't even lie to Congress or lie to an FBI agent or they're coming after you,” in the latest of ten thousand headlines I initially dismissed as satire. Nobody ever got rich overestimating Louie’s intellect, Cap.
Sure, there’s a certain schadenfreude to the spectacle of treacherous crotchfungus Mo Brooks’ feverish groveling to procure an un-un-endorsement from his moth-chewed loser god, but it kinda gives me the embarrassment shivers, and anyway, boot-licking isn’t what I’d call an admirable leadership trait in the best of times, but in this era of ascendant fascism, well…
Have you seen the skeevy little freak Wee Donnie One-Term hitched his wagon to in the Arizona Senate race? Blake Masters burst onto the national scene this week with a barrage of batshit conspiracy theories and unapologetic bigotry, so you know Cult45’s gonna love him, and I’m suddenly much more interested in Mark Kelly’s reelection campaign, aren’t you?
By the way, a new poll shows nearly 7 in 10 members of the Party o’ Personal Responsibility™️ have found solace from their shortcomings in the pathetic, racist lie known as “great replacement theory,” quite possibly because of the politicians and pundits who pour it down their willing throats 24/7.
(At the risk of escalating partisan tensions, lemme address the tiki torch crowd real quick: kids, replacing you is actually a highly rational act. Look at yourselves. You suck. You absolutely fucking suck. It’s not some zany coincidence that domestic terror organizations recruit from the same pool of angry, weak-minded losers that make up the ISISes of the world, y’know.)
Speaking of, seems our old friend Marjorie Taylor Guam hired pedophilia apologist Milo Yiannopoulos as an intern, so you know that office water cooler is set to become the spot for trendy young Washington fascists to see and be seen. Anyway, yeah, Nazis congregating on the staff of a U.S. Representative, that’s probably suboptimal.
And while we’re on that distressingly specific topic, a Republican candidate for the United States Congress got caught straight up praising Hitler, and with a lead-in like that, I bet you think this paragraph couldn’t get too terribly much darker. Oh, my sweet, summer child. Y’see, Carl Paladino, manifestly unfit for office even before we heard him refer to Adolf Hitler as “the kind of leader we need today” on account of how “inspirational” he was, boasts the endorsement of one Elise Stefanik, the fashiest lil’ climber you ever did see, and the House GOP’s third-ranking leader.
We’ve normalized some pretty freaky shit in this country over the past half-decade or so, but I feel like cutting the guy who goes, “What we need is a Hitler!” loose shouldn’t be a particularly hard call. Now, it seems fairly obvious that anyone who fails to clear that low, low moral hurdle shouldn’t get a seat at the table where laws get made, but I bet saying so counts as “critical race theory,” so I expect Ron DeSantis’ shock troops to break down my door any minute now.
Meanwhile, Michigan Republican gubernatorial candidate Ryan Kelley got arrested by the FBI for misdemeanors committed at the Capitol Riot. And yeah, it feels like low-hanging fruit to jocularly insinuate these charges will lead to a surge in the polls and the endorsement of the 45th President of the United States, but it also feels like a headline we’ll see before next Wednesday.
Wouldn’t it be cool to live in a country where this shit was disqualifying? The racist, violence-inciting conspiracy theories, and the criminal assaults on our fundamental democratic rights? Where a psychopath like Doug Mastriano gets laughed out of the building, instead of winning his primary?
Is this a bad time to bring up the political assassination in Wisconsin? Or do we only have time for the above-the-fold domestic terrorist violence this week?
Yeah, let’s move on to January 6th, since Bennie Thompson and friends finally began unveiling their VH1-style Behind the Insurrection doc.
Or, if you’d prefer to remain snug in a propaganda bubble where the Big Lie reigns unchallenged and horse dewormer cures all ailments, I’m sure there’s still plenty of room up Tucker Carlson’s ass.
Heck, you didn’t think the leechlike Murdoch clan went to all the trouble of radicalizing millions just to relinquish control of the narrative after one teensy-weensy death cult uprising, didja? Still, taking Liar Tuck’s White Power Hour commercial-free for the evening, lest the drones accidentally stumble across reality whilst seeking refuge from the monotony of MyPillow ads? Zombie Orwell tips a rotting cap to such sinister eye for detail.
Also, Off-Brand Orbán’s free speech mosh pit, “Truth Social,” can’t seem to stop censoring posts about the hearings, while simultaneously platforming his desperate deluge of disinformation, and who, I ask, in my best Newhartian deadpan, could have predicted such ethical inconsistency from a Devin Nunes venture?
‘Course, if I’d cravenly compromised away as much integrity and decency as the modern American Right, I’d live in mortal terror of mirrors, too. It must be damn near impossible to stand the sight of yourself, when you’ve the done the things that, say, Mark Meadows has done.
The simple, unavoidable truth is, these feebleminded asshats pulled a metric fuckton of insane, criminal, utterly immoral shit, in a concerted if deranged effort to end American democracy, and seize power for themselves in perpetuity. And I just think that sort of thing ought to be discouraged is all.
Supreme Court Justices’ wives should not be pressuring 29 state-level lawmakers to thwart the electorate’s will, for example. And if your cause is truly just n’ pure, there shouldn’t be any need to plot in “complete secrecy,” surely. By the time folks start spitballing about hiring armed “contractors” to seize voting equipment, I feel as though one’s moral compass should be fully anthropomorphized and screaming at you to get your shit together.
But no, you not only stayed aboard the crazy train, you offered the goddamn Proud Boys and Oath Keepers a ride, and they did what bloodthirsty neo-fascist thugs do when handed a permission structure and institutional cover: they tried to take what they wanted by force. Which was the plan all along, hence the seditious conspiracy indictments cluttering up the joint lately.
Y’all built a lynch mob that waged war on Capitol law enforcement, with officers “slipping in people’s blood” defending your collaborating asses, and after a brief, frantic scramble for pardons, you once again absolved yourselves of any wrongdoing, and went straight back to work inciting the next murderous maniac, and the next one and the next one and the next one. God damn you one and all.
Ron DeSantis may not be particularly interested in keeping his constituents alive, but he always keeps an eye out for a new front to open in his vindictively regressive culture war, as he seeks to claim the White House on behalf of the fearful and mediocre. The Tampa Bay Rays, the Special Olympics, parents who love their children…there’s plenty of room on Ron-Ron’s enemies list, and heaven knows his supporters have more than enough hatred to go ‘round.
Oh, incidentally, DeSantis’ casually anti-Semitic press secretary, Christina Pushaw, got caught working illegally as a good, old-fashioned, Manafort-style, unregistered agent of a foreign autocrat. America first tho.
With his dreams of epic conquest largely dashed, Vlad the Miscalculator has settled into a reduced set of goals more befitting one of his petty thug stature; he’s basically just a dolphin-killing grain smuggler now, and I bet his mom sure is proud.
And while headlines reading Yup It’s Still Hell on Earth Over There test the limits of our battered collective attention span, we can’t forget about the folks defending freedom on the front lines of this worldwide madness outbreak, because they’re fighting for you and me, too. Apathy is the tyrant’s BFF, you know; they go to brunch together and drink mimosas and gossip about all the people they’d like to throw into camps.
So rest up, Resisters, looks like there may be a bit of work ahead of us. I myself am juuuuust about ready to fall into the waiting arms of a six pack of Boulevard and The Boys From Brazil, because I’m in the mood to watch a few Nazis get fucked up, for some reason. Stay safe, m’loves.
The Peach Tree Dish of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time to Time With the Ravings of Idiots
Scanning through the week’s insanity, I’m overwhelmed with unanswerable questions. Why do we live like this? Does it truly have to be this way? And wait, does this mean John Hinckley’s room is available? Because I could use the peace and quiet.
(I promise this makes more sense with all the links, available here: https://showercapblog.com/the-peach-tree-dish-of-liberty-must-be-refreshed-from-time-to-time-with-the-ravings-of-idiots/)
Can you believe it’s already been 100 days of shirtless rodeo clown savagery in Ukraine? What do you even get a genocidal dipshit for the anniversary of his biggest fuckup? I’d suggest a war crimes trial, but maybe a gift card? To one of the hundreds of companies he chased out of Russia with his mad thirst for blood?
Here at home, you could hardly sleep for the howling lamentations of Cult45, when their sad, cut-rate, diet, caffeine-free-with-extra-carcinogens Bob Mueller turned out to be exactly as incompetent as every other subpar creep they worship. Having faceplanted so pathetically in his frivolous prosecution of Some Guy Nobody’s Heard Of, what hope remains, I ask you, that John Durham is capable of bringing Hillary Clinton to justice for all the baby faces she’s noshed upon?
And the Michael Flynn unmasking kerfuffle fizzled out, too, so there’s definitely no joy in Wingnut Mudville tonight. I almost feel bad, but when your dominant personality trait is “easily deceived,” you have to expect this sort of thing.
Meanwhile, legal difficulties keep mounting for Turd Reich figures like Jared Kushner and Peter Navarro, further evidence of the American justice system’s unfair bias against prosecuting imaginary crimes in favor of real ones.
In defiance of all odds, I have somehow not yet lost my life in one of the 230-and-counting mass shootings that have taken place in the United States in 2022, but the day is young, I suppose. Before this paragraph ends, seven of you out there reading this will perish in some hail of AR-15 fire or other. Condolences to your loved ones.
(In addition, by the time any survivors arrive at this sentence, police officials in Uvalde, TX, will have changed their self-exonerating bullshit story no fewer than nineteen additional times.)
Because Oklahoma Republicans, in their wisdom, made it illegal to inconvenience a homicidal maniac in the slightest way, one of the nation’s many shitbag losers was once again able to procure a machine designed to expediently slaughter as many human beings as possible, and around three hours later, he used it to shoot up a hospital.
“Say, I’m looking to murder my doctor, and everyone who happens to be near my doctor, ideally before my current fit of rage subsides. Got anything for that?”
“But of course, sir! I’d offer to wrap it, but it’s clear you’re in a hurry!”
Of course, no amount of senseless suffering will force those responsible for the nation’s surge in child funerals to abandon their fanaticism. In fact, considering the predilection for insider trading in Yertle’s caucus of sociopaths, I’d hardly be surprised to learn that, say, Richard Burr held a substantial stake in some kiddie coffin manufacturer.
Given their commitment to doing absolutely fucking nothing to stop these preventable tragedies, you’d think Republicans would be swimming in free time, (in addition to the blood, of course) but the pious, theatrical gaslighting required to keep a white resentment cult in a state of perpetual sputtering rage is surprisingly labor-intensive.
It’s not that any of the indignant gibberish needs to make sense; quite the contrary, logic is filthy elitism you cuck; it’s just that fresh nonsense must constantly be generated, as each new atrocity further exposes the bloody, lunatic sham of right wing gun policy.
And Uvalde completely obliterated the myth of the Good Guy With His Holy Gun, as surely as if Jesus came back just to taint-punt Wayne LaPierre into the sun. There’s no cover left, just a pack of hyperventilating nutjobs who would happily send ten million children to early graves rather than surrender a single bullet.
So they pile their indecency onto shoulders already burdened with grief; their predictably foul shrieking about false flags, the demented decrepitude of their attempts to blame abortion or weed or oh let’s say Moe, and above all else, their unshakable resolve to guaran-damn-tee this shit happens again and again and again.
Ignored in all their wild-eyed plans to force children to crawl into classrooms via pet doors, each guarded by an entire platoon, is the helpful example set by the non-batshit, civilized world, where GUN CONTROL FUCKING WORKS.
Ah well, you can lead a Republican to reality, but you can’t make him…waitasec, what am I saying? You categorically cannot lead a Republican to reality, he’ll die with ivermectin dribbling down his chin first.
You sort of want some revered television journalist to sit Marjorie Taylor Greene down, in some overdecorated room, and have her walk us, slowly and in great detail, through the no doubt complex workings of the “peach tree dish.” How, precisely, does Bill Gates turn the peach trees into fake meat? What is the role of the dish in this process? Can it be any dish, or does it have to be one a colony of flesh-eating bacteria used to gain access to your cranium? People have a right to know this shit.
Especially since Marj used the extra attention generated by this latest episode of Lookit This Idiot to proffer her views on the issues of the day, such as, “Christian nationalism is rad, actually, and also, disagreeing with me makes you a terrorist,” for example.
…and Kevin McCarthy can’t wait to get this fascist twit back onto her congressional committees, which goes a long way towards explaining how he finds himself the subject of articles asking why more people don’t openly discuss his deficient intellect. (I confess, I assumed everyone did. And more or less constantly.)
Well, J.D. Vance and Paul Gosar are coming for your porno, ya filthy preverts, and don’t they seem like a pair of sexually healthy humans who should definitely be in charge of what people are allowed to wank to? You know Gosar uses some Cronenbergian apparatus involving terrifying, orifice-specific dentistry tools, and of course J.D. requires lubricant aid, in the form of his own tears, shed whilst contemplating the tattered, shit-stained remnants of his soul.
Good gravy, you know you’re emitting trench-warfare-level, banned-under-the-Geneva-Conventions loserstink when Herschel Walker, with his distressingly radical platform matched by a disturbing personal history of abuse, distances himself from your pathetic grifter ass.
Are we 100% sure Doug Mastriano is real, and not, like, six MAGA hats in a trench coat? He’s a busy little beaver either way, complying with investigations into his insurrectionist shenanigans by both the FBI and the January 6th committee, yet still making time to spout the craziest goddamn shit you will ever hear in your fucking life.
For example: Doug’s not a Nazi for working day and night to remove your constitutional right to elect non-Doug candidates, but you're a Nazi for wanting to keep your children alive. What a nifty little trick that is!
Now, Dougie certainly seems like the sort of fellow who knows his way around a peach tree dish, but if it sounds like he wants to take away a bunch of your rights, that’s only because he does! But don’t worry, God sent him!
You know, I don’t think a governorship is such a good fit for this guy. Given the Mastriano: For a Post-Democracy Pennsylvania! theme dominating his campaign. Nope, not the sort of fellow you’d want running such an enormous swing state, ideally. May I respectfully recommend Josh Shapiro?
I suppose it’s only natural for a vindictive, regressive minority to target the machinery of democracy; it’s much harder to steal folks’ rights when they possess the power to replace you with someone who won’t.
And they’re really going for it, friends. There’s an organized effort underway to seize control of the nation’s election infrastructure in order to smash it to bits with bats and tire irons. That’s Bannonism, and if that happens to hit your ear as faintly rhyming with “rash schism,” well, I’m sure it’s just a trick of the wind.
Mastriano’s a big part of the movement. So’s Rayla Campbell, a maniac seeking the powers of the Massachusetts secretary of state’s office because she thinks Kindergarten teachers have taken to spicing up the ABC’s with fellatio tricks n’ tips from Cosmopolitan.
And yes, the Deposed Dotard’s Big Lie brigade got whooped in Georgia last week, and yes, that’s fantastic, but the primaries are a long way from over, campers.
And if this is all somehow too subtle for anyone, if anybody out there is still in denial about how many stanzas deep we are in that First They Came For poem, here’s a little article, which attracted distressingly little attention if you ask me, about the proto-Brownshirt Proud Boys infiltrating the Republican Party of Miami-Dade County. Why yes, the same Proud Boys that keep pleading guilty to great big felonies committed during the Capitol Riot, why do you ask?
Oh look, Michael Avenatti is going to prison, that’s welcome news, though I must take this moment to remind everyone that I called dibs on Hinckley’s cell.
Surely somewhere there’s a hole deep and dark enough that none of this insanity could reach me, but until I find it, I suppose I shall have to make do with a beer or six. Well, congratulations to everyone who made it all the way to the bottom without getting shot by a teenager! Keep your head down and maybe we’ll all be around to do this again next week*!
*No promises.
Profile Information
Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
