I hope you all feel a little more pep in your step and and a little extra love in your hearts today!

And speaking of love, thank you for my Valentine hearts! I didn’t expect even ONE, but I think I have 5 now. They lifted my own heart and made my last few days special! 💕

two new hearts! Thank you so much!

I’m
Going down
to the bottom
Rock bottom
To the bottom
Of a glass
on the rocks

Can’t get higher
Than the smoke
Between my fingers
That lasts
long enough
To taste
Just like the fire
That lingers
just to waste
that precious air

And do you really think that I
Turn the other cheek each time
Smile when I want to cry
Wordless I just pantomime
And watch the hourglass run dry
Do you think that I am just a victim
Or a partner in your crime
And do you ever ask yourself why
I’m withering right before your eyes
Do you consider
that I might want to die

I’ve
Gone down
to the bottom
To the fire pits
To the bottom
Of hell
on earth

Can’t get higher
Than the heaven
To which I inspire
That I glimpse
long enough
To envision you
Just like a dream
That lingers
Like a beam
of precious light
Before night falls

Time ticks down
I feel numb to the change
Then with shock and shrill alarm
I awaken
Startled by the sound
Reality feels strange
Without you as the glue
Now I’m breaking

The hole inside my soul
And the dark within my heart
The roadmap of a journey
I’ve forsaken
Thought that once I cried
There would be a change of tide
I’d be strong enough to fight
I was mistaken

Can you hear me
When I’m screaming at the sky
Can you feel me
Feel me wither as I die
Do you see me
As I stumble through the dark
Your absence stains my path
Just like a blood mark

Sand slips through
Though the days never do
As the space in the hourglass
Is taken
I watch it slip away
And realize too late
My grip on happy endings
Has been shaken

The movie in my mind
That plays behind closed eyes
Is a silent motion picture
Without screens
It’s all in black and white
With wavy little lines
And I’m not even sure
What the gray means

Time has been ticking
But the movie replays
The love story leaves
My heart aching
Nothing seems to change
Reality feels strange
I remain in the darkness
As dawn’s breaking

Two years and then two days ago
It all came crashing down
Phone in hand, slid to the floor
Tried to hide my breakdown

I recall the smell of burning wood
The crisp chill in the air
Memories of better days
Surrounded me everywhere

So I went walking
Looked up at the blue sky
Breathed in November air
And watched the geese fly by
The kaleidoscope of foliage
Rainbow colors of the trees
Brought me to my knees
Crushed me into pieces
And then broke the last of me

It’s two years now in the past
Before long it will be three
To put the day away to pray
On our anniversary
The wind whips through the branches
Where the leaves fall down like rain
And I walk again down our old path
To try to freeze the pain

Now I’m hiding from my thoughts
From November’s darkest skies
I see my breath near winter’s edge
And all that it implies
The kaleidoscope of foliage
Rainbow colors of the trees
Are browned from death and crunching
With white edges from a freeze

You’d think that I’d be stronger now
It’s been years and months and days
But somehow that November chill
Still seeps right in with waves
The naked branches of the season
Still bring me to my knees
Crush me into tiny pieces
That once had made up me

I heard the news of that phone call
Then slid right down the wall
Two years and just two days ago
When autumn became fall
I crawl away from autumn but
Each year I can’t foresee
Is it the present or the past
That broke the last of me.

I watched as your intentions
Crept across your face
And made you smile

The monster-your invention
Hasn’t shown up at this place
In quite a while

I prayed that you would go
But you fixed yourself a drink
In a heartbeat I would know
That you’d bring me to the brink
Of madness
Thought I had this
But no

I felt your medication
Slip on through my veins
And make me weak

A toxic combination
Circles round my brains
Til I can’t speak

I hoped that you’d walk out
You weren’t going anywhere
There was very little doubt
I should have been aware
Of your madness
Thought I had this
But no

I thought your fascination
Mirrored an old nightmare
I was mistaken

A compromising situation
The evil was still there
When I awakened

I prayed that you would go
But I could no longer think
The blood would overflow
As you pushed me to the brink
Of madness
Really thought I had this
But no

After decades of writing and publishing poetry, I began working as a lyricist just before the pandemic. Working with musicians while staying isolated definitely kept me sane! All of our work was done remotely, although unfortunately the process of recording in the studio was halted.
Anyway, I would classify this song as folk. My poetry/lyrics are often within the storytelling genre. This one definitely fits that bill. There is music, but I don’t know how to share that.

Modern Day Shunning
Daisy skipped barefooted up to the church steps
Every Sunday
Nothing ‘tween her and hell but a silver toe ring
Daisy bowed down to pick some flowers
Her namesake
And when the choir sang hymns, she would always sing

When the service let out, Daisy’d reach into her basket
Of daisies
The townspeople kept on walking lest they turn to stone
And with their pious eyes uplifted
toward Heaven
They walked right by the purest thing they’d ever known

That’s the way they deal now with all the sinners
That’s a modern day shunning in the name of God
Put her picture on the internet so she remembers
Exactly why she turned her back on this fraud

When Daisy walked by, her feet looked light as air
Like she was floating
She always treated every person as the same
She fed the hungry and housed the homeless
And down-trodden
But Daisy’s sin was never knowing her daddy’s name

So they marched up to her cottage armed with leaflets
And pamphlets
They’d decided that Daisy needed to be saved
But while they’d been busy judging, she’d been watching
And waiting
She knew how, behind closed doors, each one behaved

That’s the way they deal now with all the sinners
That’s a modern day shunning in the name of God
Put her picture on the internet so she remembers
Exactly why she turned her back on this fraud.

Then one Sunday Daisy didn’t show up
At church time
Her basket empty right beside the red brick walk
Nobody could imagine how she’d left with no one seeing
In a small minded town all they do big is talk

Then the sunlight hit a glimmer of silver
In a clay brick
They couldn’t get it out no matter how they tried
And while nobody said it, you can bet that they all knew it
While busy pointing fingers
The rapture came and passed them by.

That’s the way they deal now with all the sinners
That’s a modern day shunning in the name of God
Put her picture on the internet so she remembers
Exactly why she turned her back on this fraud.

That’s the way they deal now with all the sinners
That’s a theme in the psalms they like to sing
But don’t be surprised when you bend down to claim it
To discover that the prize was never that silver ring.
Daisy’s silver ring.

This is completely true, but looking back at my feelings in those surrounding years and finally trying to put it into words. I did say to someone in the hospital (doctor, nurse, police…all a blur), “There are worse things than being dead.” I repeated it often. Wanted it to sound kind of like a heartbeat. I hope it’s not redundant. So here is what I have. And I’ll try to catch up with others. This one is VERY long…

Worse Things

I walked through the trees
And the honeysuckle bees
And believed that I was really living
We’d been trained to accept
What others might reject
And we took a vow of forgiving

The night wind cooled me
The starry skies fooled me
I was there just to do my calling
When the doorbell rang
That familiar sound
Down narrow steps I walked without falling

But I fell
Dear God,
to the depths of hell
That shiny silver blade
With precise and viscous cuts
Left bloody marks
And they will never fade
But they certainly weren’t
The only scars that were made

There are worse things
There are worse things
There are worse things
My God, can’t you see this dread
Can’t you read between the lines that you read
There are worse things
There are worse things
For the love of God
There are worse things
Than being dead

And I asked every night
Before I went to bed
Why?
Why didn’t he leave me dead?
Why’d he leave me
To walk in misery
instead?

Now years have gone by
Can’t remember how to cry
Except for others who’ve felt this pain
We didn’t have a choice
They still won’t hear our voice
Roll their eyes as they say it’s a shame

The night wind heals me
The starry skies feel me
They know that I’m still trying
And every single footstep
Reminds me of a misstep
A life I try to live without lying

But I lie
Dear God,
Cause I wished that you would die
That sharp silver blade
Yeah it cuts both ways
And maybe I’d remember how to cry
Your own ending might teach me how to try

There are worse things
There are worse things
There are worse things
My God, can’t you see the disgrace
There are worse things
There are worse things
There are worse things
Than staring into the devil’s face

Can’t you see it in my eyes that I’m gone
A role in a play that’s always on
There are worse things
There are worse things
For the love of God
There are worse things
Than faking being strong
And living far too long
And he left me
Bleeding freely
And to this day
I ask why instead
Did he let me live
And my answer
My only answer
was that he, too
Even he knew
There are worse things
There are worse things
There are worse things
Than being dead

Because so many times
I’ve wished that his crime
Would have left me dead
My veins were dripping
My life was slipping…. away
But he let me stay
Wish he’d left me dead
Instead

Cause there are worse things
There are worse things
There are worse things
Please, God, let them hear what I’ve said
There are worse things
There are worse things
There are worse things
Than being dead

I was given an alarmingly low chance of survival, so a part of me hoped they misdiagnosed. So yesterday I went to the Cherry Hill Cancer In NJ but related to U Penn Medicine in the city.I have goods news: Possibly a longer period of survival. There are medicines to consider, which I was told don’t exist and it appears that I qualify for a bone transplant!

The Last Time


If I had somehow known
That the last time
Would be the very last time
Would I have turned around
And given comfort
Would that have been such a crime

Everyone around me
Feels that it’s their choice
To ignore my voice
Question my judgement
And each step I take
While my heart aches

Somehow I thought you’d come back again
And I’d let you in
Reaching for heaven but dipping slowly into sin
Believing
That it wasn’t too late
While trying but failing to
Turn love to hate

If I had somehow known
That I’d need a heart
As hard as stone
To move mountains
All on my own
But I didn’t know
I didn’t know

It’s so easy for others to make the call
To risk it all
When all they can offer are words
But it’s too late
I’ve already used them all
Over and over again
As I tumbled into free fall

Somehow I thought you’d come back again
And I’d let you in
Reaching for heaven but dipping slowly into sin
Believing
That it wasn’t too late
While trying but failing to
Turn love into hate

If I had somehow known
That the last time
Would be the very last time
Would I have turned around
Pretended I was blind
Spoke aloud what was on my mind
Would I have turned around
And touched your face
For the very last time
Would I?