March 3, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-6: Let Me Tell You About The Birds And The Bees Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-6: Let Me Tell You About The Birds And The Bees Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? We’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future which currently seems hopeless, I know. But look at that void! It’s so blue! We of course bring you last week’s news smack dab in the middle of the week, but this is our final Top 10! To be broadcast in this time slot, sorry, I should have finished that sentence. But starting on the 18th, we are moving to Thursday. This last year has been extremely difficult to deal with and staff complaints forced the move. This is my favorite Top 10 of the entire year because it’s time for Stupidest State 2021 and this year we’re introducing some new features to make this more interactive and to encourage you to get your brackets in! There’s some red hot newcomers to the tournament and some really exciting developments to the NFFSA. But we think you’ll be satisfied with this year’s developments! Plus if you check the Top 10 Twitter feed, and you absolutely should, it’s on Twitter @10Idiots, we will be adding some ESPN-style Bracketology advice starting today to help you fill out your brackets! Who do you think is going to go all the way this year and win the coveted DeLay trophy? I know who I have! Anyway that’s enough of the intro, we have a lof of idiocy to get to this week. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into America’s obsession with the police raid:



Another year, another time to visit the annual circus of insanity known as the Conservative Political Action Conference! To start with this week, we are going to bring you highlights of the conference (1) which includes literally worshipping Trump with praise, loyalty and statues. But they’re not a cult or anything. Taking the second slot this week, is of course our FORMER 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump (2) and we have highlights of what we think will be a completely predictable speech from him. Taking the 3rd slot this week is Trump sycophant Marjorie Taylor Greene (3). And Margie is going full on crazy this week with her war on trans people and a bizarre and probably totally unethical gun giveaway. At slot #4 this week is the plot against Andrew Cuomo and Gavin Newsom (4). The MAGA cult is out for blood against the east and west coast governors, and it’s going to get really ugly really quickly. Taking the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, what does it mean to be “deplatformed”? We take a look at why conservatives are so hysterical about this social media phenomenon. And at the #6 seed this week, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week with President Biden set to sign sweeping reforms against LGBT discrimination, the church is organizing a full out assault, and our resident pastor is telling you it’s going to get very ugly very quickly. Taking the 7th slot this week, we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse”, and Hasbro decided to introduce a new kind of Potato Head doll and it’s blowing conservative minds. Yeah shut up! In the #8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) – we’re going to take a look at the insane theory being peddled by anti-vaccination crusaders that a microchip is being implanted in you when you get the COVID vaccine and then cross that with people who don’t think Q Anon exists and we’ve got a Clustertrump. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” and we have to find out why Metallica hilariously and ironically got slapped with a DMCA claim during the bands’ own livestream performance at the virtual Blizzcon this year. But it’s not ending with Metallica either. Finally it’s that time, ladies and gentlemen! Time for the 5th annual Stupidest State contest! This year, the circumstances have changed but the spirit remains the same! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]CPAC 2021: America Uncanceled
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It’s the last week of February and that means that the annual Gathering Of The Deplorables, otherwise known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is here. Now the thing is we could have spent literally the entire edition talking about how batshit crazy conservatives are. There was Ted Cruz and there was Josh Hawley, and there was Trump, and there was just an endless parade of psychos and crazy people. But this picture I feel perfectly sums up the conservative movement and the end of MAGA. Can we show that?:

https://twitter.com/daveweigel/status/1365773383032594450

I don't think I need to add any commentary to this one, it's a perfect metaphor for the remnants of the Trump administration at this point, isn't it? But what we got to talk about is the shape of the stage at CPAC. That was a very interesting topic of discussion.





Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. You’re blaming the design of the stage on cancel culture extremists? That’s rich! I don’t want to point fingers but a Nazi symbol is a Nazi symbol, am I right about that? But what does the hosting venue – Hyatt Hotels think about this? Are they happy or sad that they hosted a gathering of white supremacists and Neo Nazis? Which is exactly on brand for the modern conservative movement!





Yeah seriously where are those guys when you need them? And I completely say this with all seriousness: Nazis can go fuck themselves. And the fact that the CPAC stage resembled a symbol from Hitler’s SS is appalling. But let’s move on to the main events shall we? There was Ted Cruz who was every bit as deplorable as you might expect.





Yeah sorry Ted Trump is going away – we’ve had a collective ass full of him. And if Kimberly Guilfoyle’s entrance was anything to scoff at, they’re going out in a blaze of glory:

https://twitter.com/MysterySolvent/status/1365448913247993863

Yeah what the fuck was that??? And Ted you don’t get to walk away from what happened in Texas with a snappy one liner. Seriously… fuck you! But if there’s one takeaway from CPAC 2021 it’s that the conservative movement is only going to devolve into something more sinister if we let it.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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You know it’s so nice not having to dedicate brain cells to the word diarrhea that comes out of the mouth of our now FORMER president Donald J. Trump isn’t it? Well unfortunately we had to this weekend because he was the headline speaker at CPAC. And as we predicted the word vomit that comes out of his head was extremely predictable. But here’s the thing – what is to make of the now former president? Is he just becoming a parody of what he once was? Or is he an emerging threat to American democracy as we know it? Or is he literally just a golden calf to anyone that’s to the right of the KKK? I mean he’s Trump The Golden Calf! But this is crazy that the CPAC has become a loyalty test to the darkest corners of the Trump cult.





Yeah Trump can’t even get 90% of the voters at CPAC! They were split down the middle, and this is after a convention that saw speeches from the most deranged, hard right members of the cult like Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley. But let’s go through some of the zanier quotes from the speech. Yeah I didn’t watch it, so I’ll let someone else do the talking. And no, I don’t want Trump to do the talking either.





Yeah I kind of feel like Michael Scott when he saw Toby back at Dunder Mifflin after several months – like a bad weed that you keep having to spray weed killers on in order to get rid of, and it still grows back! But like any other boss, Trump has his own shit list of employees that he would like to get rid of if he had an opportunity to do so. Which would replace them with those who are the most loyal to his cause, and after 5 years, we’re still unclear of what that cause is.





And here’s something you’re really not going to like. While we’re all moving on from the nightmare that was the 2020 election and Trump’s super spreader MAGA rallies, there’s one thing that is perfectly clear about this. At least even the most die-hard cults, like Charles Manson’s Helter Skelter cult, die out after they’re found out that they are frauds. It turns out that the MAGA cult may be the next victim of a long line of cults, and we couldn’t be happier about that!






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
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We need some music for this one!



Yeah let me tell you about the birds and the bees. And Marjorie Taylor Greene. There’s two things we know about Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). The first is that her tenure in Congress is most likely going to be short lived. The second thing is that at some point in the next year and a half, Rep. Greene will get in a fist fight with another member of Congress. While we can’t guarantee that, we can guarantee that Greene has caused quite the shit show in the last few weeks and isn’t done yet. This week Greene took her fight to the transgender community and specifically attacked and intimidated Rep. Newman (D-IL), who has a transgender daughter. Yeah this woman is an incredibly vile piece of shit. And it seems the more we’re offended by her, the more it drives her. Which makes her a psychopath.





Man I wish we had an audience right now because this woman deserves all the booing and shaming that you can muster up. Seriously – calling Marjorie Taylor Greene a piece of shit, is an insult to actual pieces of shit. Because actual shit has useful purposes, like being turned into manure. This woman on the other hand does not. This woman is a colossal scumbag through and through. And like I said I would not be surprised to see her in an actual brawl on Capitol Hill sometime soon.





By the way in case you’re wondering what actual trans people think of Greene, well, their opinion is not at all favorable. And this woman isn’t going away no matter how hard we would like to thwack her into the sun. But this woman is fueled by a diet of hate and conspiracy theories, and our animosity towards
her is only making her stronger. So how does someone this full of hate and egomaniacism sleep during the night? Well it’s going to be hard to tell.





Oh but you see? With Greene, the cruelty is the point! This woman has a media diet consisting of Alex Jones and social media fueled paranoid conspiracy theories that are getting increasingly amplified each and every day. Now here’s where it’s going to get even uglier. While embassies around the world are showing increasing acceptance of gay and trans rights, Marjorie Greene wants the exact opposite. Thank god the Dems retain control of the House right now. So Marjorie has a problem with the Pride flags, but no problem with the MAGA flag? I’m shocked, shocked I tell you!






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[font size="8"]The Andrew Cuomo Scandal

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I was having a debate with my staff on how to approach this one. Because I know the name of this show is “Top 10 Conservative Idiots” and we are about to talk about the plot to take down New York governor Andrew Cuomo. Who currently is up to his ass in scandal. And we try to be fair here. But the simple fact of the matter is that Cuomo is about to get the Al Franken treatment (see: Top 10 #3-26. Remember that guy? Well this is that scandal but with an added dose of an unrelated COVID scandal! Yeah holy shit is right, and we haven’t even got to Holy Shit yet this week. But here’s what we know so far – it is a coordinated attack to take down one of the most powerful governors in the country and here’s how it is going so far, and it’s not pretty.





Yeah you can say that again! So yeah the news here is not good. And it’s only about to get worse for Gov. Cuomo. So now the debate rages – does Gov Cuomo resign or does he keep fighting against these accusations? Of course without proof, we have to assume that he’s somewhat guilty but in order for him to be innocent, we need concrete, actual proof of this. And no, we don’t need a bad court thingy just yet, there has to be a trial first!





Yeah so there’s that to deal with too. I mean this whole thing is going to get worse before it gets better and that’s if it gets better. And oh yeah I’m watching you too, Sean Hannity. If you’re going to accuse the media of being mobsters, and the thing is the “media mob” didn’t take down Brett Kavanaugh – he did that to himself. And he’s still in power! But just like Brett Kavanaugh, Andrew Cuomo could be the victim of his own demise. Watch the conservative blogosphere, it’s gonna get ugly very fast.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Social Media Deplatforming
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The topics of “cancel culture” and “social media deplatforming” were all the rage this weekend at the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. After four years of having a president who thrived as a social media troll, it’s no wonder that conservatives are living in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing on social media. Because the conservative agenda deals with racism and sexism and it’s becoming increasingly clear that they want to do something to be able to voice their controversial opinions publicly without fear of consequences. In fact when conservatives get banned from social media, they go and seek out alternatives. This led to the creation of alternate media sites like Parler, Gab, and Telegram, where the policies towards speech are “anything goes”.





Yes think of the alternate reality social media sites like the refuge of the damned. These people clearly don’t care about what others think of them, and it shows. But conservatives are getting increasingly fearful of what the visible social media companies like Facebook, Youtube, and Instagram will do to them if they’re caught doing something that violates the platform’s terms of service, even though they do this daily.





Now this brings about a really tricky area of banning people from social media. Does this make things better or worse? There’s arguments that could be made for both sides. In fact one side is saying that it is making things better, but the other side is saying that it is making it worse. Stamping out trolls is more of a science than an art. You can ban them from the spotlight, but they aren’t going away. And it is driving them completely crazy.





Yes probably. In fact you can deplatform users and they will regroup elsewhere. But you can’t get rid of the trolls altogether, or can you? Because they will start their own platforms. What happens when the entire platform gets deplatformed? Well for that we look to Parler, which recently got banned from both the Apple App Store and the Google Play Store because there were users on this service threatening to murder elected officials. Yes, people. Trolling on social media can only get you so far then the death threats happen. It’s an inevitable way of life in the 21st century – life, death, taxes, and the social media death threat. If you get deplatformed for this, don’t say we didn’t warn you.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know it’s not all fun and games here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10, we occasionally do have serious stuff to talk about. Because America’s Christian right has been replaced with a dangerous and scary cult that is out for blood and revenge based on… reasons. Now that President Joe Biden has been with us for over a month and he is putting into place some sweeping protections for our LGBT brothers and sisters, the Christian right is hopping mad! In fact they are currently waging a war for equality! And this is something that does not sit well with us. They don’t abide by the church or to JAYSUS! Instead they abide by all that is dark and EVIL in society!





Religion for me, but none for thee! That’s the way the Christian fascists in the right do things and it’s not pretty. In fact it’s pretty ugly and that’s not what GAWD or JAYSUS would want now, is it? But that said since Biden cannot find religious allies among those in the US because they support the unholy, ungodly Dark One, he must seek answers elsewhere. Like for instance turning to Pope Francis, of which he shares a close alliance with!





So let’s get this straight. The religious right want to continue to more to associate themselves with the most unholy, ungodly, disgusting excuse for a human being imaginable. A man who is so abhorrent that I do not allow his name to be spoken in my church! But an actual man of GAWD? He is cast aside because that’s not what the cult wants! What does the cult want? Now see GAWD forbid that anyone else have a different opinion or orientation that they do!





Now see? You got two independent thought alarms there! The religious right are coming for the marriage decisions whether we want them to or not! So in case you’re wondering what the religious right’s radical agenda is when it comes to the GAWD given rights of our LGBT brothers and sisters, well, it’s the exact opposite of what JAYSUS wants and believe me it’s not good. First they came for the gay community… As the old saying goes!





No we’re allowed to do that, Reverend. So that’s the evil agenda that the religious right is pursuing and they are not on the side of GAWD! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That is it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Mr. Potato Head
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By now you’re probably sick and tired of hearing about “cancel culture”. Well guess what? We’re going to talk about it again! Because social conservatives seem hell bent on driving this talking point into the ground, which is what they do. Which is also why this segment exists. Well this week they’re upset about not one, but two things being “canceled”. Look, we get it. Nobody wants to be derived of having a voice, and this shit is getting to be completely ridiculous. But imagine flipping through the channels to find that Fox News has effectively canceled the doll formerly known as Mr. Potato Head, and for a completely ridiculous reason at that. And really it’s the conservatives that are doing the canceling!





Now come on! I mean in all seriousness, has Mr. Potato Head ever been anatomically correct? I mean seriously unless you’re actually checking the doll for a penis, and who hasn’t, then any outrage you have over this decision is completely null and void. Here’s where the conservative outrage comes in. They pick the pettiest and weirdest battles to fight don’t they? If you tuned into Fox News at all the last week, this is what you got.





Oh come on! Of course it’s a distraction! Did you really think we’d see it any other way? If you’re keeping score at home – they are looking the other way on the Texas climate change disaster that happened last week. But Mr. Potato Head losing the “Mr.”? That’s the outrage to end all outrages and… sigh… that’s why we can’t have nice things. But they’re angry! And oh man are they angry!





So why are conservatives outraged at this? I mean it’s not like we’ve had a killer virus, or a deranged, bloodthirsty cult storm the Capitol, or a catastrophic climate change disaster any time in the last couple of months. But no let’s be outraged that they removed the gender from a toy that really has no gender, and turn the outrage way past 11! I mean come on, Fox! Are you telling me you’re going to look for the penis on a Ken doll? And let’s be honest – if you answer yes to that question, you should probably be put on a sex offender watch list. But sadly conservatives were outraged enough that Hasbro is going to walk back on its’ claims somewhat.








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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! We are coming to you live from our underground bunker deep in the heart of the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course. Just know that it is in New Mexico. And I say “attempt” because there’s no making sense of the Alex Joneses and the Mark Taylors of the world. So there are times when you just have to smile and nod at the ridiculous shit that they say and say “what the fuck”. This week we’re taking a look at a conspiracy being peddled by anti-vaccination crusaders about a microchip being implanted in you when you go to receive the COVID-19 vaccine. And I’m here to tell you this – you are wrong. Just let me adjust my trusty tin foil hat here for maximum government interference to tell you exactly why!





Of course we are, Milhouse! But that’s neither here nor there. But there’s plenty of things out there concerning the vaccine that would leave you to believe some insane bullshit. And there really is some insanity floating out there, folks. But the thing you have to remember is that Facebook is a place where disinformation and unchecked claims run rampant and it can be difficult to separate truth from fiction, but Facebook has a solution for that.





Mmmmmmmmm…. Not really. But even the WHO themselves traveled to China with the idea of putting behind the ridiculous myth that the virus originated in a lab and the outbreak was the result of a careless worker. So why are there so many conspiracy theories out there? The answer is insane, and it’s insane that the WHO had to spend so much time, money, and resources into putting an end to this ridiculous myth!





Not really, you’re among fellow conspiracy theorists, Bart. But then again the people who are watching the watchers are now denying that the watchers exist. That’s right – Q Anon, you know them as the protectors of the children from the child molesters of the world! While Facebook may be cracking down on Q related groups and misinformation, they still haven’t cracked the code. Hell I’m sure even the Q Anon idiots have cracked the code yet, it’s the Da Vinci Code for idiots! And they’re largely responsible for about 95% of the misinformation out there! And come on, who needs microchips when we have cell phones?






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So you know the idea behind this is that we have some drinks and while we’re drinking we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because there’s a lot of dark shit out there. Even coming from this blank blue void in the back room of a Burbank Comedy Club, drinking is still fun, damn it! This week we have to talk about a really crazy thing that happened involving legendary metal band Metallica. No, it doesn’t involve them robbing from the poor and giving to the rich. So tell me, virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about Metallica? Metallica beer? Made by Stone in San Diego? OK I’ll take an extra large glass of that please! So this week Metallica became victims of their own copyright claims. Remember Napster? Think of that but worse, and it seems while we all can’t wait to get back to having live events, your favorite livestream event may be in jeopardy!





Yeah so that happened! Metallica got hit with a taste of their own medicine. You remember the whole Napster incident right? At least you do if you were born before 2001. And it wasn’t just Twitch that got hit with DMCA claims either! Another Metallica live stream got hit with a similar claim and the hilarious part about this? They replaced Metallica’s signature classic “For Whom The Bell Tolls” with real, actual bells! So keep this in mind the next time you buy a ticket for that virtual event!





Now here’s the thing – I am not a copyright attorney. But if I am reading these articles correctly, it could spell doom for certain music streaming platforms and certain games if these claims went any further in court than just a slap on the wrist. Blizzard is obviously very paranoid about selling and licensing this game for obvious reasons, and we don’t blame them one bit. As long as it doesn’t interfere with Diablo 4, we’re good!





Thanks I needed that! And come on! You can’t have a game called “Rock N Roll Racing” without some actual rock n roll! That would be like having a place called “Sal’s Famous Beer Bar” and then not selling any actual beer! But that said these are some very tricky waters to navigate and we suspect things will get worse before they get better. But that said, there are people who are attempting to find work arounds for Twitch’s ultra-strict policies.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2021 Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter, and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome welcome welcome! We are back for an unprecedented 5th year in a row! Last year our season nearly got canceled because of the COVID-19 pandemic. But now this year we’re in a place to better manage the tournament. Because the circumstances have changed, normally we would go to venues all over the country. But because we’re being advised against that, we’re consolidating everything into a bubble in Phoenix this year! Why Arizona? Because they’re one of the few places that is still allowing live crowds! That said, let’s do this thing!

[font size="6"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome, welcome, welcome!!! As the official commissioner of the NFFSA, it is my honor and privilege to welcome this year’s squad to the tournament! Last year we faced an extraordinary challenge and circumstance, and I want to thank the teams, their staff, and the NFFSA staff for their unrelenting support in carrying out this year’s games. Also, congratulations again to last year’s winner Florida, I hope that they are still enjoying that victory. This year we’ve got some red hot newcomers and some conference changes! Who will come out on top this year? Only time will tell! But our COVID bubble in Phoenix will make things extra exciting. Now to explain the rules, just like last year, this year will feature two matchups in round 1, then one matchup in round 2, then the Final Four, then the NFFSA championship! For Selection Sunday, we will also be providing you with the states, stats, odds, and info that you can use to fill out your brackets! Also new this year – follow the Top 10 Twitter feed for some Bracketology style info on your states! Now let’s do this thing!

[font size="6"]The Batshit Conference [/font]


The Batshit Conference is the oldest and most distinctive conference in the entire NFFSA with 22 states stretching over a good majority of the country. Diversity is the strength to this division, as is complete and utter batshit craziness. These people are not only crazy, they elect crazy. Batshit Conference winners often assert a distinct method of being unable to tell fiction from reality, and the farther out your conspiracy theories are, the better. It’s not enough that they believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and the Loch Ness Monster, these people believe in Pizzagate, Q Anon, and everything else that makes crazy go even crazier! The Batshit Conference: Still Crazy Since 1859!

1. Georgia: Now you might be thinking “Hey wait a minute, Georgia became a blue state in 2020!”. We are here to tell you you’re wrong! You can take Georgia out of the red, but you can’t take the red out of Georgia! This is the state that gave us batshit Q Anon congress critter Marjorie Taylor Greene, and is toughening laws to make it easier for conservatives to vote and harder for everyone who doesn’t have an R next to their name!
Smoking Gun: Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Batshit) became the quickest congress woman stripped from committees because of her beliefs in far right racist conspiracy theories!
Odds: 2:1 Georgia didn’t make the #1 seed for any reason, they had a strong regular season and are looking to win this whole thing!

2. Kentucky: One of the perennial favorites of the tournament has yet to win a title, but that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t win it all this year! The state that has given us our favorite punching bag, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell also gave us Rand Paul! They are currently fighting a recall against governor Andy Beshear, which, as far as we know, has nothing to do with COVID.
Smoking Gun: Like the rest of us, Kentucky is sick of lockdowns and restrictions, but they’re actually considering limiting the governor’s powers on imposing more!
Odds: 5:1 Kentucky had a strong showing in the regular season, but a series of injuries have threatened to derail one of the best franchises in the league. They could go far, or not.

3. South Dakota: A newcomer to the tournament, the Mount Rushmore State had a strong showing last year, hosting a super spreader motorcycle rally at Sturgis in the middle of the worst pandemic in the last 100 years. On top that, governor Kristi Noem is taking one of the most lax approaches to the entire pandemic with an “anything goes” policy. South Dakota has an entire state population less than that of the city of Miami, but they have plenty of representation in Congress with some crazy representatives and senators!
Smoking Gun: At the height of the MAGA movement, the Trump administration met with South Dakota officials to add Trump’s bust to the historic monument.
Odds: 7:1 We were shocked by this team’s strong showing in the regular season. They could pull off some major upsets if capable.

4. Michigan: Now wait, you might be thinking that Michigan is a blue state! Well, you’re wrong – they’re mostly blue, but they have a dark red underbelly. The Wolverine State had a strong showing in the regular season with some stunning upsets and some of the craziest news in the entire country – most of which spawned the alt right protest movement called “The Boogaloo Bois” and Governor Whitmer becoming the target of hardcore Trump fans.
Smoking Gun: Last August, there was a bizarre plot to kidnap governor Whitman, which involved a bunch of alt right terrorists and a PT Cruiser. Yeah that happened!
Odds: 10:1 They are a long shot to win but could pull off some massive upsets if true.

[font size="6"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference [/font]


Excessive greed is the name of the game in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. It’s not enough that you have one yacht, your entire family has their own fleet of yachts! Yacht rock is for chumps. You can afford to have the real Pablo Cruise play your next boat party! And who needs frequent flyer miles? You've got your own fleet of private jets and selecting the right one for the occasion is a first world problem known only to you and your other billionaire buddies! And millionaires, really, who needs them at all? These people are billionaires and trillionaires! Well maybe not trillionaires, but these people have more money than you’ll ever see in a lifetime. While you’re drudging through an Amazon warehouse that’s visible from space on your third shift, your boss just bought the next 5 Amazon warehouses and will soon employ half the state! You will bow down to your corporate masters and like it, you worthless peasants! The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: Your misery is our pleasure since 1952!

1. Kansas The perennial favorites of the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference have been going strong in the last 5 years. Fraud and billionaire insanity is rampant in Kansas. Kansas is the home to Koch Industries, which recently saw the death of one of the Kochs, and that’s concrete proof that you can’t take it with you! But in addition to the greed, Kansas is rife with insanity and one of the first states to completely lift restrictions all in the name of money!
Smoking Gun: Kansas shut down their unemployment system to deal with rampant, incriminating fraud in the offices!
Odds: 5:1 Kansas is usually the perennial favorite to win this conference, but they had a lot of injuries in the regular season. Expect if they win for them to go far.

2. Wyoming Wyoming is a newcomer to the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, but they have had some strong showings this year. In fact so much that your favorite celebrities and business tycoons are leaving Silicon Valley and Hollywood for Jackson Hole. The fresh air, low population, and lack of regulations means you can own plenty of land and not be bothered by the neighbors! It does a mind and wallet good!
Smoking Gun: The state is so broke because of the lack of taxes that they’re considering a whopping $100 million cut to education. That’s gonna leave a mark!
Odds 7:1 : Clear underdogs in the tournament, they could turn out to be a Cinderella story if they beat the reigning champs.

3. Nevada: The casino and gambling industry took a nose dive when COVID-19 hit as the once bustling Vegas strip became a virtual ghost town almost literally overnight. While many of Vegas’ most prominent institutions, like MGM and Caesar’s, are now finding new homes online, Vegas is looking to rebuild their tourism industry. As long as you don’t count the socially distanced homeless people sleeping in the casino parking lots.
Smoking Gun: The cancellation of Reno’s famed Burning Man festival cost the state a whopping $3 billion in much needed tourist revenue.
Odds: 7:1 The Silver State has a lot of competition in this category but they got hot at the right time so expect them to go far.

4. Iowa: The Hawkeye State makes its’ long awaited return to the conference championships and they’re out looking for revenge! There’s lots of farmland in Iowa and with it comes excessive greed and hardcore racism! Yes, the state that gave us Charles Grassley and Steve King has reelected these old racist coots for who knows how many terms they’ve served? And on the home front things look scarier and more dire than ever, and it really shows.
Smoking Gun: In a half assed attempt to reopen the state to revive the economy, Gov. Reynolds did not consult experts prior to lifting restrictions!
Odds: 7:1 – very evenly matched in this conference, they are looking to make a big splash in this year’s tournament!

[font size="6"]The Gun Nut Conference [/font]


If you’ve got an itchy trigger finger, a bullet-proof vest, and a massive safe full of the latest in fully automatic and semi-automatic protection, then this is the conference for you! You carry your guns in your belt, your sleeve, and your ankle holster, because you never know when you can't be too quick on the quick draw! It’s the conference where the debate between concealed carry and open carry is considered a contact sport! The cops will pull you over and ask for your driver’s license and your NRA membership. Waiting periods are for chumps! You want your guns and you want them now, and it doesn’t matter who you have to stomp on! Why not take your gun to Chili’s? You’re a raging maniac and you’ve deserved that write. There’s no amount of firepower that will satisfy you, you want all the guns and all the ammo! The Gun Nut Conference: Shooting first and asking questions later since 1896!

1. Florida: What is there to say about the Sunshine State that hasn’t already been said? The state once referred to as “America’s Wang” by Homer Simpson, is the home to Miami, which is where Trump lives now, and Orlando, which recently hosted CPAC. Florida loves them some guns, they have one of the highest capita of gun owners in the country, and they’re not afraid to use them! And in Florida you’re allowed to carry your guns everywhere.
Smoking Gun: Florida is proposing a law that would allow open carry of guns in churches! What could go wrong there?
Odds: 2:1 Last year’s champions are going to give any competitors a run for their money – provided that Florida Man doesn’t screw up first!

2. Texas: Our 2019 reigning champion loves them some guns and they are looking to make a comeback after getting trounced by last year’s reigning champion Florida. They say everything’s bigger in Texas – the guns, the spectacles, the COVID cases, and even the people! But big guns aren’t the only thing Texas has going for it! In fact they also harbor some old timey apocalyptic end of the world fantasy religion! Carrying out the apocalypse and doing it large, that’s the Texas way!
Smoking Gun: Texas’ complete lack of environmental restrictions meant the state suffered one of its’ worst climate change disasters in history!
Odds: 2:1 The odds on favorite to win this year’s conference and even the odds on favorite to win the Layover League, expect them to go far!

3. Idaho The Gem State switched back to the Gun Nut Conference after bowing out early last year, but they’re not giving up! Last year their gun credentials are strong! Idaho bought more guns than anyone else in the entire country, and this is during a raging pandemic! And rural Idaho (read every city in the state not named Boise) is packing some serious heat, and is a hotbed for NRA membership and you can bet that your neighbors are carrying!
Smoking Gun: After a record year of school-related shootings, Iowa is looking to pass a law aimed at allowing people to carry guns in school, what could go wrong there?
Odds: 7-1 Iowa had a strong showing at the beginning of the season but then injuries plagued their team. But they are looking to rebuild and go far.

4.Oregon The Badger State is looking to lick its’ chops after getting a serious beat down last year and they’re not going out quietly. Oregon may be the home to liberal utopia Portland, but Portland has become the battleground city for weekly cage matches between the Proud Boys and Antifa. Outside of Portland isn’t much better – the firearm rules all and it’s inspired some people to do some extremely crazy things, like take over bird sanctuaries. Oregon packs some serious heat and they’re not afraid to use it either!
Smoking Gun: Oregon’s GOP proposed a controversial law that would allow individual jurisdictions to decide open carry laws. What could go wrong there?
Odds: 9-1 A very long shot, they’ve got some strong competition ahead. But if they stay healthy they could shock the pundits.

[font size="6"]The Family Values Conference [/font]


All things are about Jesus in the Family Values Conference! The Bible Belt is proudly worn on your waist, sleeve, and magic underwear in this conference, where something is put in the holy water and it’s not the hand of God, either! Who needs the government when your parish is your governor? The lord of all things holy watches over each and every resident in these states, and going to church is the only form of entertainment most have! While you’re out committing those sins, you godless heathen, your electors are looking to strip away your rights and give them to the church, making the church the most powerful entity out there. It’s the states where the Red Hot Chili Peppers are replaced with Hillsong United on the radio and there’s more Chik-Fil-A locations than there are Starbucks. If you’re counting down the days until the rapture and wondering which prayer to say before breakfast, then the Family Values Conference is for you! The Family Values Conference: Proudly converting the non-believers since 1896!

1. Indiana The Sooner State got bumped up to the #1 seed this year after an abysmal showing last year. The state that gave us our now former Vice President, Mike Pence, also gave us Trump Supreme Court justice Amy Comey Barrett! And what’s fueling Indiana’s rise to the top? A super-secret underground Catholic Cult called People Of Praise that originated in South Bend at Notre Dame and came into the spotlight during the nomination!
Smoking Gun: People Of Praise has earned comparisons to an obscure Nazi cult from the 1940s, that can’t be good, right?
Odds: 2 – 1 They owned the regular season this year and impressed the judges enough to get bumped to the #1 seed! Expect them to go very far.

2. Ohio: The Buckeye State has some of the largest and oldest congregations in the entire United States of America. The home to The Ohio State University (don’t forget the “the”, damn it) and Jim Jordan is also the home to some old school fire and brimstone religion. The state is also home to some of the strictest abortion laws in the entire country! And they are going to be a force to be reckoned with in this conference!
Smoking Gun: Ohio’s controversial heartbeat law echoes the one recently passed in South Carolina that could deal a serious blow to women’s rights.
Odds: 5:1 They had a strong showing in the regular season but got hammered by injuries, playing #1 seed won’t help them but they could score a major upset if healthy enough.

3. Mississippi: The Magnolia State has a small but very loyal fanbase that keeps them coming back for more. The state has elected some absolutely crazy leaders in the last 20 years and is currently led by Tate Reeves, a man who is an old school fire and brimstone religious man who believes that Biden’s policy regarding trans people is a “social experiment”. Mississippi has also proposed numerous religious liberty cases, cementing their Bible belt beliefs!
Smoking Gun: Thanks to Mississippi’s religious nuts, they only have one abortion clinic in the entire state – which did not receive any medication in the last year thanks to a SCOTUS ruling.
Odds: 7:1 They are a long shot to win but could shock the conference if they pull off an upset against a 1 or 2 seed.

4. Arkansas Arkansas was one of the original winners of this conference. While they sat out last year due to injuries, they are coming back strong this year! The Natural State is a religious conservative playground with many small towns and many large churches! They’re also home to former governor Mike Huckabee. Arkansas also has one of the highest divorce rates in the entire country. The religious nuts in the state also oppose hate crimes bills and embraces old school LGBT restrictions!
Smoking Gun: Arkansas is planning a bill that would allow medical providers to discriminate based on religious reasons!
Odds: 7:1 They had a rocky regular season but could pull off an upset or two if healthy enough.

[font size="4"]The Schedule: [/font]

We’re doing things a bit differently this year because of COVID travel restrictions but here we go!



[font size="4"]The Bracket: [/font]

Here's the brackets! Fill them out and post your predictions!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

We are taking a week off but to kick things off starting on 3/18 it’s a battle of the Batshit as #3 South Dakota takes on #4 Michigan, while over in the Family Values conference, #1 Ohio takes on #2 Indiana in a rivalry showdown!




We’re going to take a short break next week, we’ll be back on 3/18/21 in our new Thursday time slot with a brand new edition and the kickoff of Stupidest State 2021! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 24, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future. I mean look at the color of this background! It's so blue! Holy fucking shit! Are we living in the year 2021 or is this 2020 in extra innings? Or maybe 2021 is 2020 wearing a ridiculously comical and painfully obvious Scooby Doo mask and is just waiting for the big reveal at the end of the episode. Either way this has been a truly batshit crazy fucking week and we’ve got a lot of idiocy to bring you. But first let’s talk about cancel culture – it’s a favorite talking point among social conservatives. Because let’s face it, nobody wants to get canceled but if you say something racist or sexist or you call for violence, expect to get some serious shit thrown at you! So what I’m talking about is starting this weekend is the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. The agenda for the conference has been circulating online and one topic in particular has caught my eye – “So you’ve been deplatformed, now what?”. Which is a much better title than “Are you there GAB, it’s me, Margaret!”. Yeah I thought so! But conservatives are so afraid of getting “canceled” that they’re literally shitting bricks about the subject. OK maybe they’re not literally shitting bricks but I can sum this particular forum up in one sentence. Guys if you’re that scared of being “canceled”, maybe, I don’t know, don’t say or do things that would get you in that position? OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he discusses the humiliating position and horrifying conditions that America’s meat packing workers have been going through since COVID hit. Holy crap is this insane:



Last week when we were literally getting the show ready for air, Rush Limbaugh passed away at age 70 from stage 4 lung cancer. So to pay tribute, we are going to mourn the original Conservative Idiot (1) by playing his greatest hits which I can assure you are not flattering at all. Taking the second slot this week is of course the State Of Texas (2) and if you want to get a preview of what it’s like if conservative hell were to literally freeze over, just look at the extremely horrifying events that unfolded next week. Don’t worry we won’t make fun, we’ll keep it tasteful. Taking the number 3 slot this week, speaking of Texas, is Senator Ted Fucking Cruz (3). That’s right, Raphael, we’re not letting you off the hook for skipping town in one of the worst climate disasters in the state’s history! At slot #4 this week is the guy who’s our former president, Donald J. Trump (4). So Atlantic City says goodbye to your era in the most Atlantic City way possible, what do you do? Take the spotlight once again at CPAC, now operating under the title “Disgraced former 45th president of the United States”. In slot #5 is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and look, everyone hates wearing face masks, but an alarming study by the FDA and a seizure by the FBI has shown that there’s fakes out there. Yeah fake masks are now a thing thanks to COVID-19. At slot #6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at the violent side of the Bible, because there’s something out there that is making the most fervent right wingers into violent psychopaths, and it’s time to find out what! Taking the #7 slot this week is the return of Parler (7) and with the return of Parler is another look into the depraved and warped minds posting on that site in Parlerfiles! At the #8 seed this week is a new “This Fucking Guy” and we have a twofer – we’re profiling insane Trump attorney Lin Wood, and insane Trump sycophant Ali Alexander, the psycho behind those “Stop The Steal” rallies that you might have seen popping up in your town! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it’s our very last and final Road To The White House! We did it and we will share our final thoughts on Biden being #46! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

So as we were finalizing last week’s edition, just as we were getting ready to go on, we got word that Rush Limbaugh, the original conservative idiot has died. Now rather than title this week’s edition something snarky, we decided instead to simply name it after the book that put Al Franken on the political radar: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot. And boy was he. You know what folks? Death isn’t always sad. Rush Limbaugh was a garbage human being. He was a serial womanizer, liar, bully, and an abusive jerk who enabled the serial liars, bullies, and abusive jerks of the world. His divisive rhetoric gave us the most divisive president in American history. If you’re a garbage person in life, that doesn’t excuse your behavior in death. You can’t all of a sudden flip a switch and think he’s the greatest person on earth. Ask Michael Jackson how well that went. What? Too soon? You know the irony of this? He succumbed to the very disease he once called a hoax and literally blew smoke in the faces of its’ victims.





Yeah that guy is pretty much Rush Limbaugh in a nutshell. And in death he’s not done with his work of dividing America. We’re more divided than ever. If you want to know just how divisive Limpballs was, then I will be posting some of his greatest hits here. Yeah if you have any barf bags you might want to get them out now, because it’s going to get pretty dark pretty quick. And there’s plenty more where this came from.





Oh and let’s not forget his casual dips into hardcore racism. That isn’t being forgotten either, especially as the racists and gun nuts merged into one psychopathic entity, much like a really fucked up ending to Terminator 2. And let’s not forget what he said about Michael J. Fox either. A man who was the lead in one of my personal favorite movies of all time, Back To The Future. We’re not letting him get away with that one either.





Oh man if we had an audience right now you can bet they would be booing as loudly as possible. That is fucked up! It is so fucked up! And if you want to know what he really thinks about people who have had crippling cancer, well, let’s just say that he got what was coming to him. In fact I’m reminded of George Carlin’s bit about cigars. Think about this as you see what he said about gay men suffering from AIDS, one of the worst possible ways to go. Yes, Rush Limbaugh, may you rot in peace.



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[font size="8"]Texas Weather Crisis

[br] [/font] [br]

Our policy here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is that we try to encourage you to know that elections have consequences. And that doesn’t matter if it’s at the state, local, national level. When you vote, leave no box unchecked. Now you might be asking what does this have to do with the Texas climate change disaster last week? Well, I answer you this: it has to do a whole fucking lot with what happened in Texas last week. If you elect disastrous politicians, you’re going to find your self at the hands of an unthinkable disaster. It’s that fucking simple! And don’t worry Ted Cruz, we’re not letting you get away with this. We’re saving that for the next entry! But really this is a colossal fuck up of epic proportions and no one is spared in this. No one!





Holy shit! Let’s think about this for a minute – try de-icing a fucking airplane when there’s no de-icing equipment available anywhere in the state! Not only that, the elected officials dismissed climate change and thought it was a joke. And if you think I’m joking about this, if you want to see the cruelty of Gov. Abbott in action, just check out Idiots # 7-3 when he cared more about Chik Fil A getting banned from San Antonio Airport, or Idiots #4-19 when he suggested that schools have too many exits to allow mass shooters to enter. That’s the kind of conservative idiot we’re dealing with here!





That’s right! I know there’s no audience right now but I can hear you booing through the power of telepathy! Greg Abbott might easily be the straight winner for the worst governor in America – by, and this is what we in the show business call – a long shot. He had the audacity to blame windmills for the reason the power went out! Taking a page from Trump are we? Yeah remember when he said windmills give you cancer? I do! Oh and here’s the kind of politician Texas elects. Rather than face this disaster head on, this guy decided to flee and leave his constituents to fend for themselves! Oh 2021, and I thought you were going to be a much better year.






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[font size="8"]Ted Cruz
[br] [/font] [br]

Where’s my guitar at? Gather around kids, and let me tell you the tale of the Senator who decided to flee! That’s about the extent of my guitar playing and songwriting abilities. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what are we going to do with you? It’s not just that your state fucked up at the state level. Texas is so chock full of such batshit crazy politcians that it fucked up on every single level. But here’s what makes this so fucking crazy. It’s that Ted Cruz actually fled the border with his family seeking refuge in a place that’s much warmer and had power. But the story goes much deeper than that, we haven’t even begun yet to scratch the surface on what a colossal fuck up this story has been. And Ted Cruz is really just tanking his career at this point.





Seriously, Ted Cruz i a real life Mayor Quimby! Hey you get that steel drum out of the senator's office!



That is true! Even worse is that is that Ted Cruz didn’t stop there. The man is an absolute monster and he had the audacity to blame his family for this fuck up. That’s right – he’s the kind of conservative who would literally throw his own kids under the bus if it meant saving his own ass. On top of that we’re still in a raging pandemic and we can’t travel anywhere. So why is Ted Cruz fleeing town?





I mean seriously, Ted Cruz is the kind of guy who would have blamed the dog for eating his homework in the 4th grade. Now here’s where it gets weird, and you knew it was going to. He not only brought his best friend from college on the trip, he stayed in the Ritz Carlton! That’s not the place you go on an emergency trip! That’s the kind of place you go when you’re relaxing on the beaches during the day and drinking margaritas at night, all while pretending not to be a tourist!





I’d expect that kind of thing from Mayor Quimby! And he’s hateable because he’s a rich idiot who keeps getting reelected in spite of being a rich idiot! Though you could say the same about Ted Cruz, the man who ate bacon off a machine gun (see: Idiots #1-2). But ask Ted what he thinks about this debacle and he will tell you that it’s not me, it’s the media’s fault! I told you he’d play the persecution card! If you’re a conservative all you have to do is cry to Fox News and they’ll believe any disgusting spin!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

The downfall of Donald J. Trump, aka Loser 45, is the gift that keeps on giving. Back in late December, it was announced that Atlantic City was going to dear down the last remaining beacon of the Trump Mafia’s reign in the gambling city – Taj Mahal. The casino had been boarded up and closed down for 7 years, finally meeting its’ end this week. The only downside to this story is that I wish that I had been the one to pull the trigger and send that tower into a smoldering rubble. But this week it was revealed that Atlantic City had sent the Trump tower to its’ ultimate demise. And that’s before the NYSG laid the smack down too. Don’t worry we will get to that in a minute!





I’m with that guy by the way! They could have blown up Taj Mahal with Trump inside and no one would miss him other than the MAGAs! Yeah but I’m not touching that with a 10 foot pole. But what is worth touching on (see what I did there?) is the SCOTUS decision on Trump’s taxes. Don’t worry we are going to keep a huge eye on this subject. It seems now that Trump is a private citizen, he’s subject to the same laws as the rest of us are!





Yeah he’s definitely boned all right! So exactly what are prosecutors hoping to gain from looking at Trump’s tax returns? Well everyone knows that he kept them hidden for 5 years which could reveal some seriously shady business dealings, potential criminals he owes money to, and it could potentially reveal anything incriminating like he profited from the presidency. Well the answer to that is “well fucking duh! It doesn’t take a forensic auditor to reveal that information!”.





So think of this like a jigsaw puzzle – and one that could potentially incriminate the former president of the United States at that! And don’t worry we will keep an eye on this as it develops. As it stands right now, Trump is in some serious deep shit. And he’ll probably blame his subsequent arrest and trial on the deep state. But the truth is, he did it. And if he’s found guilty, he will be going away for a very long time, so kiss 2024 goodbye! Oh by the way, the answer to the question of if he profited while he was serving as president? The answer to that question is fucking yes of course he did!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Is Your Mask Fake?
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



We’re nearly one year into the deadly COVID-19 pandemic that has claimed nearly 500,000 American lives. Now nearly everyone is asking the same questions. When will social distancing and mask wearing end for good? When will pandemic protocols end? And the thing is that nobody likes wearing the masks but we have to at the moment. Everyone is preparing for that time. With the advent of the vaccines, we’re learning that a black market for vaccines is emerging. Now there’s another side to the pandemic that is creating potentially new headaches. Black market masks. That’s right – the mask you’re wearing on your face to protect you from COVID-19 might be fake. This is a stunningly evil practice and the US just cracked down on the black market for masks.





But the numbers don’t stop there, it’s absolutely startling how it got this way. In fact the fake masks are stemming to nearly a dozen states now, making it almost impossible for the feds to control. At a time when personal protection equipment (PPE) is as important as clothing or shoes, knowing that you have a mask that meets federal standards is important. But how far does this go?





Oh yes it’s real. Fake. Real fake. So how do you identify whether the mask you have is real or fake and what do you do about it? Well there’s plenty of ways to determine and whether or not you have a real N95 mask or a fake one. So use caution when you are ordering your masks online and make sure that they meet a few simple requirements. Then you are good to go.




Yes probably. But until the COVID-19 pandemic is over you can never be too careful about having the right protection should you have to leave your house. But just as with the amount of fake products circulating on the internet right now, make no mistake that fake pandemic protection is becoming a real problem. The seizures at the Long Island Port Authority have shown that this could have the potential to be problematic as more people discover that they have purchased fake equipment.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! It is time that we talk about the violent side of the Bible. See, our Good Book doesn’t have the kind of violent imagery that you see in the real Holy Bible. But before I get into that, I really want to talk about this comment that I saw coming from the Fox News channel. Yes, I happen to stumble upon it in my quarters while I was watching the SINS being committed on our regular television. But every once in a while you see something out there that is so stupid, so mind-boggling dumb that you can’t help but wonder if this is what JAYSUS would even think! And let’s not go over the 9 million ways GAWD struck down vengeance in the Holy Bible, because I could do that standing on my head thank you very much!





Oh but cancel culture does exist in the Bible! Need I remind you that GAWD canceled out an entire city when he destroyed Sodom? Or what about angels battling angels? That’s some old, old, really old school cancel culture! But it’s not the Bible that is the threat. It’s white Christian nationalism that is the threat and their followers are getting weirder and scarier. Which is why we need to address this this week, because while we make fun, we’re really poking the bear here.





Yes, Senator Hawley is a perfect example of what happens when Christian extremists turn violent and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this. And when someone says they want you to live by their values, run and run the other way fast! Because that’s not what the GOOD LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it? Because his values are not what your values are. But here’s the thing – even now that the unholy, ungodly Dark One is gone from power, his crap still remains!





But here’s the thing they’re not telling you – today’s young Christians are proud and more violent than ever. They will make you pray, and that’s after shooting first and asking questions later. And while most of our congregations have overwhelmingly supported the unholy, ungodly Dark One – a man who is so disgusting that his name shall not be spoken in my church, real or virtual! But he has turned the pulpit violent, and there’s no going back!





And that’s all you need isn’t it? Well don’t expect the violence to die down any time soon because it’s going to get ugly. Just sit back, grab some popcorn and watch the show. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Parlerfiles
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So when the far right gets butthurt by real world social media sites – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube - and retreats to their safe spaces of Parler, Gab, Dlive, and Telegram, that’s where we come in! Oh yeah they think they can hide anonymously behind a user name and a teenage girl icon (don’t ask me why, it gets more likes) but we’re coming for them. There is some seriously batshit crazy stuff coming from the alt right and we’re going to find the latest posts and dissect their craziness as we find them. And here’s the thing, normally this is a free-floating segment where we usually don’t have any news, but this week we actually have a story to start us off with!





So that said let’s go through and dissect some Parler posts. Oh my god these people are batshit fucking crazy. I am particularly drawn to the posts coming from an account called “Clay The…” and it’s impossible to tell if this guy is for real, or if he’s a troll, or what the drug of choice he might be smoking or inhaling is. But nevertheless, thanks to the Twitter feed called @Patriottakes, there’s no shortage of good Clay material.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363902646298443777

What’s a demon tag? You know what? Let us know in the comments what you think a demon tag is, because I’m sure it’s code for something. Either that or he can’t use a keyboard. Then this one makes absolutely no sense.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363229005621551104



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! He broke the grammar checker robot! But even Clay has to pay his respects to R4vch Lebrumbgew! Even when I intentionally type something wrong it comes off looking like an airline conformation code. And here’s another one – just trying to unravel the mystery of Clay The is stunningly maddening. What does he do? Pull a keyboard cat and start madly typing out the words hoping to form a coherent sentence?

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362068056579731463

But then some of these just make absolutely no sense, and I will post them here without comment because these are fucking crazy. Your head will explode Kingsman style if you even dare try to comprehend what Clay is saying. No amount of English majors or 4th grade grammar teachers could ever properly diagram a Clay sentence. I’m calling it now.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362071243810365444
https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362067477904166913
https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362471050559295500



Well at least we’ll sleep easier knowing more about Clay’s balls! Moving on there’s some other batshit crazy stuff being posted on Parler. What’s even better right now is the social media circle jerk firing squad right now – Gab users are attacking Parler users, and Parler users are attacking Gab users, so sit back, relax, and grab a bag of popcorn and your favorite beverage and watch the show!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363860183026294786

Here’s the thing, if you don’t want to be canceled, maybe, I don’t know, don’t do anything that might get you canceled? I’m just throwing that suggestion out there. And in case you’re wondering if they have some good old fashioned hardcore racism, oh yeah they got it!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363963688588247040

And you can also bet our old buddy Alex Jones is flocking to the site, where he’s touting the “banned videos” and his precious armored tank:

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363954151495884804

But at least this guy is honest!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363952844454252545



And with that it’s time to close the files for this week! Don’t worry, we hope to get some Gab, Dlive, and Telegram posts soon!




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Ali Alexander And Lin Wood
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Trump always attracts the best people to his cause doesn’t he? That’s why this week we’ve got a double feature on This Fucking Guy – in this corner, we have Trump’s batshit crazy attorney and hardcore racist Lin Wood! And in this corner, we have the guy who is vying to be Trump’s running mate on the 2024 ticket, the guy who is behind those “Stop The Steal” rallies that you might have seen popping up in your neighborhood – Ali Alexander! And here’s the thing, guys, if you are conspiring to take down the 2nd most powerful man in the world, maybe, I don’t know, don’t advertise it on MSNBC beforehand! And hey I always thought they hated MSNBC. Remember all the shit we had to put up with when they called it “MSDNC”? Well anyway guys, you don’t dox the doxxers because otherwise you will be on the receiving end of an FBI probe, and trust us, you don’t want that!





Yes doxing the doxxers isn’t just a crime – it might be considered “light treason”. And you know what? Is there any person connected to Trump or the Trump campaign that isn’t batshit fucking crazy? Here’s how crazy Lin Wood is. He’s so crazy that the Georgia State Bar Association is looking to remove him from membership! And I mean come on, this is the state that elected Marjorie Taylor Greene. So you know that Lin Wood doesn’t scratch the surface of Georgia crazy!





That’s future footage of Trump by the way! As if one brand crazy isn’t enough, there’s another brand of crazy that Trump attracts. Meet Ali Alexander. He’s the organizer of those “Stop The Steal” rallies that have been popping up, probably in your city! Never mind that they have ties to anti-vaxxers and far right militias, and not to mention the usual crop of suspects like Roger Stone and Rudy Guiliani. But if you see a group like this in your neighborhood, you can rest assured they are all over the fucking place!





Oh yeah? Well I’ll build my own city with blackjack and hookers! Really, these two goons are made for each other. So if you want to know the kind of person that might attend a rally hosted by Ali Alexander, well they’re about the caliber of person you might expect. And don’t expect these rallies to go away anytime soon. I’ve seen the ones in my town dwindle and they’ll probably soon cease to exist. It will be one guy dressed in a clown suit with a bunch of Trump flags flying from his back.





So conniving and scheming to build their own places, and getting kicked out of the Bar Association and banned from Twitter. That’s Lin Wood and Ali Alexander, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb! And how you define a stupid person in this segment is the same way Dwight Schrute would. Ask yourself “If I were to do something, would an idiot do that thing? And if they would, I don’t do that thing”. So use this segment as a handy guide for things we shouldn’t do. Even in the middle of a still raging pandemic. I want to start with stupid AI bots. Even in the world of super computers, the AI bots are no better than the people who program them. A YouTube algorithm that is designed for checking the trending status of videos actually violated Youtube’s own terms of service agreement because… it flagged the video’s use of “black” and “white” chess pieces for being racist! Yeah… and people wonder why other people hate “cancel culture”.





Yeah I think we’ve been under Trump too long when our AI bots can’t distinguish real conversation from actual hate speech. Moving on… next up, speaking of stupid people and machines, would you really trust your male organ parts to a device that can be locked electronically and hacked by Wifi? Seriously I don’t even trust my phone to connect to my car stereo by Bluetooth. You must have balls of… oh wait… what would you call this thing?





That is a good question! Next up on People Are Dumb – we go to the south of the border to Cajeme, Mexico for this one. Now there’s nothing funny about someone stabbing someone no matter what the situation is. OK yes I know George Carlin said you can joke about anything. But what makes this dumb is not that the woman stabbed her husband in a fit of jealous rage. But what happens after the fit of psychotic passion. Yes, plot twist!





Next up – we go to our favorite state, the great state of Florida. Because no “People Are Dumb” segment is complete without a trip to the Sunshine State, or as Homer Simpson famously called it, “America’s Wang”. First up you know those De Beers commercials when they show people giving people elaborate diamonds in romantic settings? Well I don’t know what this next story is, but it’s quite the opposite of that!





Yeah probably. Maybe, and I don’t know here, don’t steal an engagement ring and give it to another girlfriend. Finally this week – OK look we’re all tired of the pandemic and we all want to see normal life come back. So get the vaccine people. But really don’t cheat or do anything that could get you arrested as you wait for your turn in line. That’s where these idiots come into play. But really just remember Dwight’s thoughts on idiots and you are good.





That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to the coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! This is the very last and final one of these we’re ever going to do. Now don’t be sad. We’ll be back in 2024 when Biden will run for office again and we hopefully won’t be in a raging pandemic! For our final thoughts on what has been an absolutely insane election cycle, we thought we’d go over Biden’s poll numbers after his first month in office and the things he’s done to get there. Because you know what? Now that the other guy is now a private citizen and been kicked off social media, who the fuck cares? This might be one of the best headlines I’ve ever seen and this is after four years of President Shithead McFuckface!





Oh man that felt good! And you know what? The Trump fans can claim that Biden is sitting in his basement all they want when he’s actually at the Oval Office and making policies both national and international. So yeah who the hell cares what they think anymore? And the best part is that he’s doing this as he is undoing Trump’s dangerous agenda! I like to call this “the untrumpening”. Not a horror movie either!





Even on the economy Biden is polling better than Trump. Imagine that! A guy who puts honor over humanity is actually good for the economy! Unlike Trump, who put himself and his ego over just about everything else. Right now, we need a guy like Joe Biden in the White House because he represents the honor that this nation needs after Trump came in like a bull in a china shop. Both literally and figuratively, I might add.





Oh man this is so excellent! And I must say everybody job well fucking done. From Stacy Abrahams flipping Georgia to Beto getting the vote out in Texas to strong showings in North Carolina and Ohio – both red states – we are going to turn the United States even bluer in 2024. Now that Rush Limbaugh is dead, let’s make Limbaughism history. We did it! Let’s celebrate this one. The battle may be won, but the war is far from over!










See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 21, 2021

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Seriously, Ted Cruz i a real life Mayor Quimby! Hey you get that steel drum out of the senator's office!

**canned audience laughter and applause**

This week the Top 10 is all new live from Burbank! We mourn the death of the original Conservative Idiot - Rush Limbaugh by playing his greatest hits, and they're not flattering! Plus the Texas Climate Change Disaster, we have a recap of CPAC, we probe the latest in the Capitol Riots, Atlantic City says goodbye to Trump, we profile two batshit Trump sycophants - Lin Wood and Ali Alexander, and we welcome the return of Parler with another look into the alt right social media depths of depravity! Plus in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates - is your mask fake? A new federal crackdown on bogus COVID masks shows that yes, the sketchy black market for COVID products exists! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit" - our resident pastor is going to take a look at the more violent side of the Bible! Do what they say or God will destroy you! We also have a new People Are Dumb because of course they are! Finally it's our very last Road To The White House! Can't believe it took us this long but we finally did it!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wed at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

February 17, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-4: It's Always Sunny In Philly-Delphia Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-4: It’s Always Sunny In Philly-Delphia Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! OMG - breaking fucking news. As we were getting ready to tape this week's episode, Rush Limbaugh is dead! The Wicked Witch is dead! Don't worry, we will cover it in full next week. So on with our regularly scheduled program. How’s everybody doing? Of course we’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future, so there’s that. I mean look at this backdrop! It’s so blue!!! But some good news – we are just two weeks away from our annual scourge of stupidity – the 2021 Stupidest State! Yay!! Do we have time for the thing? Anyways I think we’ve all been on Zoom too long don’t you think? I mean I am seriously getting a serious case of eye strain. My eyes literally can’t take anymore staring at a computer screen. And I’m sure that’s what happened when a lawyer in Presidio County, Texas turned on his Zoom to attend a hearing, only to find that his chat filter had been replaced with… a cat filter! That’s right – there’s a picture of the judge, two attorneys… and the third guy is pictured as a talking cat! Yes, think of this as a really fucked up version of the Brady Bunch intro. Except one of the Bradys is a cat! I’m looking at you, Marcia! Oh and if you guess that the guy – whose real name is Rod Ponton, which is a very West Texas name, is selling merchandise – you are correct! That’s right you can now buy Zoom Cat merchandise, and really in the grand scheme of things this is more believable than Ted Cruz unable to analyze reality from satire! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and discussing the Next Pandemic. Dear god I don’t want to think about it!



So in the number one slot this week, of course is the former president of the United States, Donald Trump (1) and we have to bring you the highlights and lowlight of his second impeachment trial. Yeah it’s all BLM and Antifa’s faults! Taking the second slot this week is Jacob Chansley (2). You might know him better as the Q Anon Shaman from the Capitol Riots (2). And if you guessed that his arrest has forced him to revaluate his life, you might be correct! Taking the #3 slot this week is another dip into the international Conservative Idiots file with our segment “What’s Up With India?” and we’re going to take a look at the farmer’s revolt against brutal PM Narajendra Modi (3), it’s another look at the creeping fascism that is engulfing the globe at the moment! In slot #4 this week is Q Anon (4) – it seems the conspiracy theory is unraveling at the seems and they keep moving back the goal posts to when Trump’s “real” inauguration is going to be. In the #5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, and this week we’re going to take a look at an alarming FDA study that says that your baby food might be toxic! Yup that is happening. In the #6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and this week – the Christian right is turning up their propaganda to 11 and they’re coming up with some ridiculous prophecies in regards to current events, and our resident pastor will help you sort fact from fiction! In the #7 slot this week we’re bringing back one of our favorite segments – “Is It Racist?” (7) and this week there’s a lot of racism in the news including (former) Mandalorian star Gina Carano and country star Morgan Wallen. In the #8 slot this week we have a new “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re profiling Christian financial guru Dave Ramsey (8) and whew, this guy is a colossal dick, but you probably already knew that! In the #9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” and this week we’re going to get drunk and tell you the strange tail of the Gorilla Glue Girl, well, at least it has a happy ending. No, not that kind of happy ending! Finally this week is our penultimate “Road To The White House” (10) and this week we’re going to educate Trump fans on what a president really does, and that he doesn’t need to congratulate himself every time he does something presidential! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey! I’m just going to rile up my armed followers to enter the Capitol to stop an election that was already decided based on deranged conspiracies being floated about by my most loyal fans! How’s anyone gonna get hurt?





You know last week when we started planning this week’s edition. And it really looked like there was actually a slight possibility that Trump could get acquitted! And the keyword there is “slight”. Yeah I know that there’s no way in hell he would have actually been convicted for the Capitol Riots, but a man can dream can’t he? And I will admit that I had a totally different idea planned for this entry but then the trial went out and fizzled out on its’ own and we’re left with a “not guilty” verdict. And yeah don’t worry, Mitch, we haven’t forgot about you, you coward! And for god sakes people! Let’s get a grip here, Trump may have been acquitted! But he’ll never be pardoned!





Dude, seriously, Trump could have Charlie as his attorney and he’d still probably get the same outcome of that trial! But hey, at least the guy who did serve as Trump’s attorney, provided some comic relief from the proceedings. I’m sure everyone was as nervous as I was, but hey we kind of expected this going into the trial. But that said, it’s always sunny in Philly-Delphia! Seriously, where are Frank, Mac, Dennis, and Charlie when you need them?





Poor choice of words there, Charlie. Though I think Trump might be into that sort of thing. Yeah it’s a really shitty situation and you could say that the Dems were walking into a trap, and I might say that you’re right. But the truth is that Trump needs to be punished for what happened on Jan. 6th, it’s not like we can pretend it didn’t happen. But the good news is that his defeat in 2020 has exposed new light on the circular firing squad that is the GOP.





Well it could always pan out that way! But when you’re the head of a mob, don’t be surprised when you get compared to other mobsters. Yeah I wanted to bring highlights from the trial, but since there really wasn’t a trial, I can bring you this. at least Trump is being compared to being the mob boss that he is, rather than previous presidents. John Gotti may have earned the nickname “Teflon Don” but I think Trump could easily secure that title!






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[font size="8"]Q Anon Shaman
[br] [/font] [br]

OK so you know how many of us usually have that stream of conscious that when you do something that is really fucked up, it causes you to rethink your life choices? For many who were involved in the horrific events of January 6th, that decision was when they decided to enter the Capitol. And now many of them regret following the pied piper that is our former president. Donald J. Trump. These people are such died in the wool Trump fans that if he instructed his followers to go jump off a cliff, they’d be fighting each other over who would be first in line. Damn I’ve been to concerts where the headliner didn’t have that kind of fanfare. Remember those? Yeah. Well for our friend the Q Anon Shaman, aka Jacob Chansley, is certainly showing signs of regret.





Oh sure it's all fun and games until your man crush commences a violent insurrection that gets 5 people killed and cops beaten to death with their own flag. But hey, you do you! I mean come on, don’t squeeze the Shaman! Hey that’s a double reference too! I mean seriously? Peaceful? Who is he kidding? You don't bring pipe bombs, zip lines, AR-15s, and hand axes to a rally unless you're looking to start some shit. But here’s the kind of scrutiny this guy is facing – well none because he’s apparently getting special treatment in prison. Yeah fuck this bullshit.





Yeah maybe healthy eating is at least a good thing? So what kind of charges is our good friend, Mr. Shaman facing? Well besides inciting a riot, there’s new evidence that our good friend was spotted at the Capitol screaming about how Trump is still the president. I mean my god how stupid and insane can these people get? This is what happens when you court gullible people into becoming even more gullible is that they believe this shit!





Wait – he really thought Trump was going to pardon him for this? He must be smoking some bad covfefe there! Did Mr. Shaman hire Lin Wood as his attorney? It seems like these guys are all connected somehow, that’s what happens when you join a cult. But at least he’s showing regret for these actions, that’s a start, I guess? The thing is it’s going to take out years and maybe even decades to sort out what went down on January 6th, but if enough people turn, we might get some results before then!






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[font size="8"]India Farmer’s Revolt

[br] [/font] [br]



Our continuing policy here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is that we recognize that conservative idiocy isn’t just limited to being a state, local, or even uniquely American problem anymore. It’s a global problem with conservative idiocy now reaching most of the world. With that said we’re going to take a look at the world’s largest subcontinent with the world’s largest population, India. Since the election of Narajendra Modi in 2019, the people of India are growing increasingly concerned that he’s ruling with an autocratic iron fist, similar to what we experienced here with Donald Trump. So here’s why the farmers are revolting. It’s another example of “Do as I say, not do as I do”. Because Modi is saying one thing but the truth… is far more horrifying.





Yeah so that’s just the Art Of The Deal. See we give Trump a lot of shit but really he’s just another piece of the fascist global puzzle that’s being put together. See? People don’t want a fair and free democratic ruler who cares about people! They want the opposite of that, they want what Loki attempted to accomplish in the Avengers! Ah if only Loki knew what people were talking about on Facebook, he could easily exploit that!





Sorry, Loki, not doing that today! Where is Captain America when you need him? But sure it’s all fun and games until the riot police are called! So why don’t we hear from the man himself? Where does Modi stand on this whole situation? Well if you guessed that he’s blaming the farmers for their own revolt, you might be right! Hey the guy who robbed that bank was actually a bank employee! That might have worked in the Dark Knight but it doesn’t work in real life!





Yeah that’s a great idea! Why don’t we just ask Texas how well that’s going! What? Too soon! Oh don’t worry we will cover that next week. And you know what, India? Take it from us! We had to put up with 4 years of Trump. If we can handle him, you can handle Modi! But just like the Trump administration, the more this pans out, the weirder and stranger it gets. We’ll keep an eye on this situation for future editions. But let’s just say for now, shit is getting real!






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[font size="8"]Q Anon
[br] [/font] [br]

Q Anon. You know it’s that thing that makes you never want to speak to the conservatives you know ever again. They are getting nuttier and crazier. Let’s go over things that Q Anon loves. They love talking about a global ring of Satanic pedophiles who practice cannibalism. They also love to talk about Donald Trump taking down that global ring of Satanic pedophiles who practice cannibalism. And the people who are on that list are well, just about everyone who has a D next to their name. But you can imagine, just as with that Q Anon Shaman, since the election of Joe Biden, prominent members of the Q Anon cult are rethinking their life choices. But not Ali Alexander – he’s doubling down and going certifiably batshit fucking crazy. Maybe going for a VP slot in that 2024 Trump campaign that will probably never happen?





He wants to build his own city? I wouldn’t trust him to build a Sim City! Oh and if you think that Alexander and his “Stop The Steal” rallies are going away any time soon, I’ve got a used car loan at 27% interest to sell you! He really is equal parts used car salesman and televangelist preacher, isn’t he? And if that’s not enough, Q Anon is now floating a batshit crazy new theory that Biden’s inauguration didn’t happen on January 20th. Instead the real inauguration is happening on March 4th – when it used to happen 140 years ago! Can you imagine if we had to wait until March 4th under that administration? Yeah me either!






Yeah probably! Now you might be wondering just how crazy Q Anon gets! And don’t worry – we’ll get to Rep Adam Kinzinger in a minute. But first let’s talk about how ordinary lives are being turned upside down by how far people go down the Q Anon rabbit hole and got duped. And I’m not even going to point out the irony of their love of references for the 1999 movie “The Matrix”. We could do a whole entry on that, maybe a future Conspiracy Corner!





Now that’s how ordinary people get duped into following a fairy tale. They get enticed, then they follow blindly. And it’s easy to see how people who ordinarily don’t care about politics get roped into believing truly warped bullshit created by crackpots. If you want to see it in its’ full blown spectacle, look no further than Illinois Rep. Adam Kinzinger – one of the few GOP reps who voted to convict Trump. This letter is completely insane and really shows how depraved Trump supporters really are.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Toxic Baby Food
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Last week, we brought you the story of Subway’s tuna might not actually be what it seems to be underneath. This week, there’s another type of mislabeled food out there. Is the food your infant is consuming toxic? An alarming joint investigation between Congress and the US Food And Drug Administration is sounding the alarm that there could be poison in your infants’ food. And it’s not just limited to one brand either. That it might be a supply chain problem. Because any brand that uses this particular supply chain might be toxic. Before you buy that food for your baby you might want to read the warnings beforehand.





But it isn’t just that they sold toxic baby food. It’s that the manufacturers knew that their products allegedly contained poison and they sold it anyways! That would be like if someone knew their products were going to catch on fire but they were approved for sale. Hey! Why did the Firematic 9000 burn my house down? It only said so on the label! But what will be done? That is the question.





There’s nothing funny about this young baby. So what can be done? Do you blame the companies that sold this or do you blame the supply chain? Well it’s a combination of both. So what do parents need to know about the toxins? And what can they do for their babies if they come across these foods? You can’t just say “don’t purchase them” because if you don’t do the research beforehand, how would you know which is which?





Now what’s the FDA response you might ask? Well the targeting against these companies is continuing and it’s not going to be resolved overnight. But you can rest assured that they are dealing with it, because that is what they are supposed to do. Anyways until these products are recalled and replaced with the non-toxic varieties, this is what parents can expect when they purchase food for their infants.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates! Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know it is so nice not to be run by the crazy, domineering, and EVIL cult of the former President Of The United States. The unholy, ungodly Dark One, a man so disgusting and dishonorable that his name dare not be mentioned in my church whether it’s real or virtual! Now, we are still in a time of a great plague. But we have rid ourselves of at least one virus! Now we just got to rid ourselves of the other! But the sad thing is we won’t be rid of either in the foreseeable future. But after watching my brothers and sisters on the right last week, does everything need to be a sign from GAWD that the Unholy Dark One is still going to be president? I mean seriously guys, lighten up! Not everything is a sign! No! Just no!





I’m pretty sure that even the good LAWRD JAYSUS is shaking his head at this one! Really, I’m a man of GAWD and I see signs that the LAWRD is everywhere! But I am also holy enough to see that the man who they worship is the DAYMON spawn of SAYTAN himself! That is why his name dare not be spoken in my church! But these people are certifiably insane!





President Dark One is president? I mean that’s sound logic there! Ooh man, I will sleep much easier at night knowing these raving maniacs are in charge! And no this isn’t anything that GAWD does! I’ve read the Bible, I should know, I am a pastor. But really this is what a cult does. And the fact that they are invoking their insane lust for the military and military order. But there’s nothing about that in the Bible is there? At least not my Bible!





Except with these kooks, believe in them and they want WAR! They are out for blood and fire and brimstone, because they are that crazy! But this might be the worst thing to come out of the last few weeks. You know those Proud Boys that keep getting arrested because they’ve done stupid things in the name of the Dark One? Well apparently their LAWRD is helping them! Seriously this is insane.





Sigh… you’re the ones who did this guys! You can’t blame anyone but yourselves. I mean holy shit! Hey that’s the name of this segment! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Is It Racist
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Hey everyone it’s time to play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



And we always say that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! And there’s been a lot of racism in the news lately but this week I want to examine the cause and effect of two very similar stories. Behind door #1 is Gina Carano, the Mandalorian “star” who got axed from Lucasfilm for comparing GOP celebrities and politicians getting banned from social media to the holocaust. And what’s behind door #2 you might ask? Why it’s country star Morgan Wallen! Who got caught on tape using the N word! Now here’s where it gets fucked up. In the pre-Trump days if you pulled this said and did this kind of shit, you’d get fired from your job and blacklisted from whatever profession you happen to be in. And I’ll explain the kind of shit conservatives have pulled after we answer the question – my fake audience – “IS IT RACIST?”.





First, let me ask the question – IS IT RACIST??? Well yeah it’s fucking racist. Second – oh fuck off, Gina, seriously! Here’s the thing, in the conservative Trump fantasy crazy world, you’re not fired for being a racist douchebag who makes stupid Hitler comparisons. Instead, you’re “cancelled by the out of control media”. And rather than these dipshits get the punishment they deserve they get rewarded. Never mind that Hasbro cancelled Gina’s Mandalorian action figure too. Instead this happens!





Seriously? I mean who the fuck actually wants to watch a movie made by the Daily Wire? No thanks, I will just sit here and keep waiting for No Time To Die to be released. Next up – country music! As a rock music fan, I will admit that the Stagecoach and Coachella crowd don’t mix, even though they’re both owned by the same conglomerate. But even the country world has to admit that even the N word is off limits in this day and age – or any day and age. So what happens when you get caught using it?





So my virtual audience – IS IT RACIST??? Oh extremely! And here’s the thing – if you don’t want to get “cancelled”, how about don’t be a fucking racist? If you were more outraged about someone being canceled then about why they were canceled, then guess what? You’re part of the problem! Oh and also, fuck off with this self-victimization bullshit. I’ve been drunk a lot of times in my life but never not once used the kind of language Wallen did!






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Dave Ramsey
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Dave Ramsey. If you’ve never heard the name, that’s probably because you’re not a frequent Fox News viewer. And if you’re here, I would assume that you’re not a regular Fox News viewer! Which means that you’re not a part of the Fox / Q / Trump / evangelical mega cult. Last time I talked about Dave Ramsey, his business was under fire for holding a massive Christmas party in the middle of COVID (see: Top 10 #9-19 ). This week, he’s under fire for saying ridiculously cold-hearted shit about Joe Biden’s planned COVID relief. But here is the thing – of course people like this are going to say stupid shit! But Dave is among the worst of the worst! I can already here you booing.





Yes BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! OK let’s give you a little background on Mr. Ramsey – he runs a company called Ramsey Solutions. And it employs 800 people who claim it’s the best company to work for in America. Oh yeah, they also have a cult like atmosphere with their own radio empire, a fake university, and workshops that charge anywhere from $3K to $10K, and his own plan ironically to get people out of debt!





That’s right! Bet you didn’t think I was going to compare him to this guy, didn’t you? And you think you’re so smart! Let’s refer to Mr. Ramsey as “Trump Light”, or “Mini Trump”. Well you got to be smarter than the people who fork over $10K for a “leadership” seminar! See this is why credit lenders exist! But we should never speak ill of the program or our undying love and support of Mr. Ramsey! And remember having Dave’s undying loyalty? Here’s what happens when you have an independent thought!





Oh and by the way you want to know what Ramsey is really like behind the scenes? Picture Kevin Spacey’s cringe-worthy performance as Comnidyne president Dave Harken in “Horrible Bosses” – just like Trump, Ramsey does not like people to question their undying loyalty to him. And if you question or double cross him, they will reject you faster than you get outcasted from Scientology. What? Too soon?





That’s Dave Ramsey – a guy who’s equal parts Donald Trump, Zapp Brannagin, and Keith Raniere, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: Gorilla Glue Girl
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the purpose of this segment is that we have some drinks and while we are drinking we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics or COVID because there’s some really dark shit out there right now. Man I miss having a real bartender and a real audience for this one! So tell me virtual bartender, what’s a good drink that goes with a story about Gorilla Glue? A banana daquiri? I think you’re taking this gorilla thing a bit too literally here, don’t you think? So I’m sure those of you who listen to podcasts right now know the bizarre plight of Gorilla Glue Girl – also known as Tessica Brown – and the journey to get here. it’s one of the more bizarre stories of this year and we’re only two months in!





Oh come on really? This woman has a manager now??? We here at the Top 10 are represented by PJ Foodstuff’s Fantastic Talent Agency and Great American Steakery! Which is why we have that coveted Wednesday at 2:00 PM slot! But here’s the thing – like all horrible things, you know that art begats art, and the Gorilla Glue Girl has certainly inspired her fair share of imitators. Like this guy who stuck a cup to his face to prove this wasn’t real. Come on people, we’re in the middle of a raging pandemic, don’t invent ways to send yourself to the hospital, please!





Ah don’t hog all the vodka! Save some for me! But here’s the thing – we’ve covered every viral “internet” challenge going all the way back to Tide Pods. Remember when that was the worst way to spend a night in the ER? I miss those times! And like all internet “challenges” – they have their strengths and weaknesses. And they also have their share of experts who weigh in on the medical and legal ramifications should you attempt such a challenge. This is my favorite part!





Man I miss drinking in front of a live audience! But seriously I would love to be in a room full of lawyers who are all arguing about the legal ramifications of using toxic glue as hair spray. I bet they have some pretty interesting conversations and Google searches! But instead let’s as an actual hair stylist what they think of this insane situation. Moral of the story: don’t use a toxic spray glue as a substitute for hair spray. Just don’t!






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *CUE REVERB* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE! Ooh that was some good reverb there! So last week we talked about Biden’s embrace of Black History Month – and not just in a ceremonial tweet. This week we’re going to educate the Trump fans about what a real president does. See – Biden actually gets up before noon and doesn’t spend 8 hours in bed hate watching 15 different channels on 6 monitors while gorging himself stupid on fast food. No, that was the last guy who did that. But you see kids? This is how a real president is supposed to act!





Yes, see? This is what a real president does! Signing executive orders does not require a celebration and a thousand people with cameras photographing you holding up the order as if you were holding up the Lombardi Trophy like you won the Super Bowl! Tom Brady does that, an d nearly throws it in the ocean while wasted, Biden does not. And here’s an example of an executive order that actually does something good!





Yes, daaaaaaaaaaaamn indeed! So why is Biden doing this? Well let’s think of the last guy who we had in charge and how his policies got us into the current mess we’re in. Think of it like Homer and the drinking bird from the Simpsons. You can only push the “Y” button on your keyboard so many times before a catastrophic disaster happens and you have to go back and find out where it went wrong. Don’t worry, we will get to that next week!




Yeah so unlike Trump, we’re not going to leave a toy bird in charge to do all the work for him while he goes and watches TV and stuffs his face. Oh my god… I just realized something! Trump is the Homer Simpson of presidents! And it only took me 200+ editions and 5 years of doing this thing! At least we have someone who actually reads these things before signing them, and I never since I started doing this thought I would say it, but I think things are going to be OK!







See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 10, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-3: This One's For All The Haters In The Room Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-3: This One’s For All The Haters In The Room Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Yeah I know, it’s supposed to get better. We’re still coming at you live from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club and we will be doing that for the foreseeable future at least. Man, I cannot wait to get back on the road! So how about that Super Bowl? I mean… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh there was a game happening? Oh I’m sorry, a game is when two teams are playing. Oh well, at least the winning team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ,won’t have to suffer the embarrassment of going to the White House and having to eat a fast food buffet with the former social media influencer turned president, Donald J. Trump. This time when they are actually able to go to the White House, they will have a real president who will actually present them with some real food and maybe even some beer! Because hey, we all deserve a party when COVID is finally over, am I right about that? Seriously even the commercials sucked this year and was a reminder of the shitty situation that we’re currently stuck in! Yeah I still watched it to spite my racist neighbors who were boycotting it because of the NFL’s support of Black Lives Matter. Yeah congrats to Tom Brady and the Bucs, I guess. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he spells out what went down at the Capitol Riots and how half of America is completely delusional:



So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week, we have to talk about what’s happening in Myanmar (1). Yes, the country formerly known as Burma has been undergoing some changes, but recently fell under the spell of a coup. And why are we talking about this now? Because the parallels between the Myanmar military and Q Anon are frighteningly similar. Taking the second slot this week, is Kenosha murderer and Alt Right celebrity Kyle Rittenhouse (2). Yet another douchebag from the Trump era that won’t go away, Kyle is facing murder charges and seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. Yeah it’s quite insane. In the number four slot this week is Robinhood (3), and you haven’t heard the last of the stock trading app, especially since now it literally seems to be at war with its’ own customers. In the number 4 slot this week is Mike Lindell! That’s right – the My Pillow CEO is losing his business left and right, and has hit rock bottom. But he’s got a 3 hour documentary that will once and for all solve the voter fraud problem! Or maybe not. Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week, we’re going to take a look at fast food – particularly that of a certain large sandwich chain. Yes – Subway, but is their tuna really tuna? Only one way to find out! Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week – who’s side is God on when it comes to proving the conservative claim of voter fraud? Well our resident pastor will examine both sides of the argument because it’s insane. And in the #7 slot this week – we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse”. While conservatives and conspiracy theorists love to argue about “cancel culture”, we’ll explain it to them using the latest “victim” of this – Marilyn Manson! And speaking of conspiracy theorists, in the #8 slot this week, is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) - and this week, the Proud Boys are adding military firepower to their ranks and for what reason? They’re going crazy and we need to get to the bottom of this before it’s too late! And in the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week, we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week, in Road To The White House, we’re going to talk about Joe’s plans to celebrate Black History Month, and his plans to use the Super Bowl to increase vaccine awareness! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Myanmar Coup Explained
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We here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots in Burbank recognize that conservative idiocy isn’t just limited to being a national or even a local problem anymore. No, it’s a global problem and the line between our right wing idiots and right wing idiots all over the world is getting increasingly blurred each and every day. As such, we like to feature the international idiots from time to time. And they’re the same no matter where you go. If you’re in say, Spain, and you see someone who’s a belligerent, raging douchebag, you can almost tell which side of the fence they fall on. Same goes for Italy, or France, or Australia, or Brazil. Let’s take what is happening in Myanmar right now as an example. I could literally spend the entire edition comparing the Myanmar military to Q Anon because their beliefs are the same. But I don’t have that kind of time! So let’s get the rundown on what’s going on. Make no mistake that social media played a huge role in this one!





OK so you know how Q Anon loves to drone on about military tribunals, martial law, public executions and jailing their political opponents? Well we can literally get a preview of what their wildest fantasies would look like being carried out right now in Myanmar! I mean seriously, this one’s for all the haters in the room. No wait, this is Valentine’s Day let’s do that in a sexy voice. No take it down, like Barry White style. This one’s for all the haters in the room! We did it everybody! We made a military coup sound sexy. But it’s anything but sexy. In fact it’s more Platoon and less Love Actually.





Yeah so here’s the thing, Q Anon nuts – the next time you go spouting conspiracy theories about martial law, just think – it will affect you guys as much as it affects us! If a scenario were to arise where the military could cut off the entire internet, it would cut you off too. This really is what Q Anon could look like if their plan to storm the Capitol actually went through! And here’s the bizarre part – the protests were organized through Facebook. And guess what the new government’s first order of business was? That’s right!





Yeah that’s what it could be like. Look, I know that our long-standing policy here at the Top 10 is not to make fun of anything that’s truly horrifying. But the reason why we’re talking about this is because this is everything that Q Anon fans salivate about - think of the worst thing to happen in a Stephen King horror novel and then watch it come to life. The parallels are frightening. We stopped them here, but if what happened in Myanmar actually happened here, it would be catastrophic. Yes I’m paranoid about this but knowing Q nuts in real life, you can see how batshit their fantasies go, and how any scenario can play out like this. We’ll keep an eye on this situation. But for now let’s say it can’t happen here, and thank god for that.






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[font size="8"]Kyle Rittenhouse
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I’ve seriously tried to put a moratorium on talking about this douchebag. I don’t want any part of making him famous because he’s basically George Zimmerman, version 2.0. Yes, you remember that fuck face who became an Alt Right celebrity after murdering an unarmed teenager in a dark alleyway. Well, the next evolution of George Zimmerman is Kyle Rittenhouse. You remember him as the teenager who borrowed an AR-15 and drove across state lines to murder two protestors who were protesting the murder of George Floyd in Wisconsin. And this would be a perfect use of the “How it started / how’s it going” meme. Because it started off well. About as well as it could have for a wannabe teenage mass murderer. And then things went horribly, horribly south as you could predict.





Yeah and Kyle Rittenhouse is sort of a racist and a murderer. Now here’s the fun part because you can pretty much see where this is going. And it’s not going what one would call “particularly well”. And by the way, did you know that the Proud Boys have a theme song? Yes they do, and I curse them for making me look this up, but it was a rejected song from Disney’s Aladdin called “Proud Of Our Boy”, and Gavin McInnes adopted that as the official group song. So yeah that and also white power.





Yeah but that doesn’t really apply here. But let’s check in now with how is it going? Well, he’s gone AWOL after being serenaded at a bar with singing racists who flash white power signs. Yeah this dude is 18 and in the last year, during a raging pandemic, he’s had more adventures than I have. But seriously, this is kind of turning into a really, really fucked up version of Smokey & The Bandit.





Shit, if I were Kyle Rittenhouse’s attorney I’d be drunk too. Oh no wait, I would actually pray to be fired because there’s nothing you can do to defend this douchebag. I mean this case is so toxic that it’s almost impossible to begin to find any moral ground. And it’s a perfect example of what happens when you make terrible people famous. That’s exactly what the Trump administration has done – they make terrible people famous. Trump attracts sick and depraved minds, and Kyle Rittenhouse is no exception, no wonder he’s loved by racists everywhere.






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[font size="8"]Robinhood
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I will admit that I know next to nothing about how the stock market works. But I will say that the clusterfuck that has arisen between Robinhood, Reddit day traders, and billionaire hedge fund managers has been one of the most entertaining thing to come out of late 2020 – early 2021. Because we’re still in a raging pandemic and we don’t know when actual entertainment will return. I hope soon! Last week we brought you the fact that they’re screwing over their customers, and Google and Apple both seem to be looking the other way. So why does Robinhood seem to hate their own customers? Well while we’re talking about the Super Bowl, let’s say for the record that Robinhood had one of the worst ads in Super Bowl history. Like yeah let’s just say “READ THE ROOM, GUYS!!!!”.





Yeah so you’re already unpopular because you’re telling people not to buy stock in things that you could buy stock from, so you buy ad time to explain that you’re all investors. Yeah read the room guys! Even worse – you know how you try to cancel that subscription service and then you go through customer service hell before you can actually speak to a person to cancel your account? Turns out that Robinhood is guilty of that too!





I’m pretty sure the only thing that would make Robinhood worse would be if you call customer service and Michael Scott were on the other line. Just what we need – some bad pop culture references and a that’s what she said joke. Am I right? Oh wait that’s what we do. So why are we talking about Robinhood when this is really just more ways of bashing politicians? Well see that’s where the two worlds intersect – Wall Street and DC, and they have a lot more in common than you might think!





Everything burns! Even the stock market can burn and they are getting burned quite badly with this whole Robinhood debacle. But you know the phrase “risk management” comes to mind and everything Robinhood is doing is what one might consider “risky”. Especially when you’ve planned an IPO and your customers are being pissed off that badly, it could end as badly for them as you might expect!





Well this might be one of the best things about this story. You know how when an angry mob starts destroying the wrong thing when they don’t know what they’re even angry at anymore? Well guess what happened? The angry mob that was bent on destroying Robinhood, the investing app, wound up taking aim at the wrong Robin Hood! I think they need to refine their Google searches a bit better!






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[font size="8"]Mike Lindell
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At the end of this week, My Pillow should probably change its’ name to My Bankruptcy. Yes, the sleep manufacturing conglomerate founded by former drug addict turned born again Christian turned batshit hardcore Trump conspiracy theorist Mike Lindell is in some really deep shit. We already reported on how his part in the Capitol Riot caused major department stores to drop his business. So what do you do when that happens? Do you cry into your own product? No! In Mike Lindell’s case he’s so determined to prove that voter fraud existed in the 2020 election that he simply made a 3 hour documentary incorporating every conspiracy theory that’s ever been on Youtube or social media. And it got picked up and aired by OAN. That’s how it started, anyways!





That's right! You saw the documentary before it got pulled from Youtube, now buy the pillows! Use promo code "ABSOLUTELYWORTHLESS" and "OWNTHELIBS" to get 20% off at checkout! Thank you fake audience! I am here all week! But wait there’s more! This might be my favorite part of this and I’ll let the story run before I point out the irony. But this is too damn good not to mention this week.





Ooh can we have the Offspring sing it? I think it would be even funnier if they did it, and I know Noodles, he hates Trump! But let’s think about the underlying irony here – OAN is the most pro-Trump TV network around, airing a 3 hour documentary from the most pro-Trump guy not named Donald Trump, with a lengthy disclaimer saying that the views in the documentary are not the views of OAN! See? Even they occasionally have to play by the rules! But this might be my favorite story – My Pillow now has some real competition! Coming from Parkland survivor David Hogg! Yes!





You’re supposed to buy the pillows, not destroy them! Well you can destroy My Pillows anyways! But that said, Mike Lindell is soon going to be up shit creek without a paddle. But in case you’re wondering if Mr. Hogg is serious or not, he’s dead serious on taking down My Pillow with a more consumer, environmental, and politically friendly pillow company. I definitely look forward to buying one!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Subway Tuna Suit
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Every 5 or 6 years, there is a major lawsuit against a major fast food company alleging that the “meat” that they sell isn’t exactly real meat. 10 years ago, that lawsuit took on Taco Bell, alleging that the ground beef that they sold wasn’t exactly beef. This time around, the target is the world’s largest sandwich chain, Subway. Subway previously got hit with a lawsuit alleging that their bread contained an ingredient that’s also found in gym mats. But the target of the new lawsuit alleges that Subway’s tuna isn’t real tuna. Which could explain why it’s one of the highest calorie sandwiches you can get on the menu. So what do you get when you actually order a tuna sandwich at Subway? Well, the lawsuit alleges that you could get something that isn’t what you paid for.





So how is Subway handling the suit? Well about as well as you might expect. Of course they’re going to come out and say that their tuna salad is actually real tuna. But if you dig deeper their tuna might actually contain chicken. Which would wreak havoc on certain diets. And that’s exactly what the lawsuit is alleging. But let’s take a minute to see what is actually being sued for here.





At least Krusty Burger would probably use actual fish in their fish sandwiches. So Subway’s tuna isn’t really tuna at all. It’s more of a mixture of chicken and flaked tuna, then doused with mayonnaise. Which probably makes the Krusty fish sandwich a healthier alternative. What’s in the actual lawsuit you might ask? Well using real tuna costs money. And Subway is out to move as many sandwiches as possible, so they might cut corners on their products. Which isn’t really that shocking.





Yes, Subway has been featured in many different advertisements. But if you don’t believe Subway you are welcome to try it yourself. In fact the store has an interesting take on the subject. It’s almost like when someone denounces an advertiser, then finds out that the advertiser is sponsoring your own program! Whoa, that’s a whole new level of meta!





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know this has been a truly unprecedented time that we are currently living in when there’s still a great plague going on. But people are still fighting about the 2020 election! Never mind that it’s already been decided and the guy who is really the 46th president of the United States has already been inaugurated and is already making policies that will affect the United States and probably the entire world. But that doesn’t matter! The 45th president of the United States – that’s right, the unholy, ungodly Dark One thinks he still has a shot! Yes, even though he is no longer the president of the United States, his name shall not be said in my church, whether it is real or virtual! To hell with him! To HELL I say!!! So what does JAYSUS think of the issue? And where does GAWD stand?





But there is you see, for this is a house of GAWD! And GAWD failed on January 6th, because we’re learning that the Dark One commanded his minions to wreak havoc, and they did wreak some havoc all right, even if that meant for them all to get arrested! I mean is this Making America Great Again? I’m sure that even the LAWRD does not want him in power! But there’s signs everywhere, even where you might least suspect them!





Oh but all things are about the LAWRD our GAWD! They are not about the unholy, ungodly Dark One, because that man is such a disgusting pig of a human that we can’t even begin to list how desperate and depraved that man is. But really this is the Da Vinci Code but for idiots. But do we really need the church *MORE* involved in politics? And I ask this as a preacher! But I say this because they’ve already done enough damage!





No there is no salvaging for that man. It’s time to cast him aside and support a real man – Joe Biden – who is righteous and godly, and will lead us into a new era of prosperity after what we’ve been through in the last year! But you just can’t go and declare yourself the government. That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works! But keep telling yourself that, guys!





Well that is a good question Homer! We can’t tell you the answer though! But I will say, if the churches on the right want to die on the hill that supports the unholy Dark One, so be it! More for us! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Marilyn Manson
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Is anyone really that surprised that a guy who took his stage name from one of the world’s most notorious serial killers for shock value would turn out to be a narcissistic, psychopathic, abusive, raging douchebag? No? Yeah us neither. While the entire world is lecturing each other about the concept of “cancel culture”, we can see it in action! Now before I go any further, I must state the official Top 10 policy that we do not make fun of abuse or anything that would be considered horrifying. But we can take shots at someone as horrible as Marilyn Manson, am I right? Here’s the other burning question that I have – why would anyone date someone who is easily searched on a Google database like this when you can easily find this out about someone? But that’s neither here nor there.





Yeah maybe a little bit! Oh no wait, a whole lot! So let me explain where the concept of “cancel culture” comes in. Brian Warner, the musician who is known as Marilyn Manson, is an abusive douchebag. We’re not going to list all the creepy things he’s done, like upskirt photos, or pulling guns on people. We don’t have that kind of time! When you’re an abusive douchebag and you get found out as an abusive douchebag, bad things should happen to you! But despite all the creepy things he’s done, it’s actually having the reverse effect!





That is a good question, sir! Here’s the thing guys, if you don’t want to be canceled, maybe I don’t know, don’t do things that could get you canceled? Like being a creepy douchebag for instance? That could get you canceled, and it’s what got Roy Moore canceled. Now let’s hear from Warner / Manson himself, and you know the statement is going to be really shitty. You know, when you’re in a hole, the best thing to do is to stop digging!





Now it doesn’t quite work that way. I know what you music heads are thinking – what does Trent Reznor think about all of this? You know that Marilyn Manson started out on his Nothing Records label. I’m sure right now he’s making faces at record labels going “I told you so” followed by a very childish “neener neener”. Oh wait, Trent doesn’t do that sort of thing. But here’s how that is going!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Proud Boys Go Guerilla
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Welcome back to the segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! See when man has things that he can’t explain, the mind obviously goes to conspiracies. We are coming to you live from our underground bunker deep in the badlands of New Mexico. Undisclosed location, of course! Just allow me to adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference… they can read minds, don’t you know? Well this week, it seems that conspiracy theorists have become self-aware, and one such group is the Proud Boys. Now the fight club of the alt right is adding some much needed military firepower, and this is where things could get really crazy.





You know why do these guys wear fucking polo shirts? That doesn’t say “I am the leader of a rogue guerilla wannabe military unit”, that says “Come take a look at this used Kia Optima, only $329 per month!”. But there is good news – the Proud Boys are finally getting the terrorist designation that they very much deserve! So Canada is calling the Proud Boys terrorists, will the Biden administration? Let’s hope they are!





And what’s their excuse for morphing from a protest group designed to beat up protestors in the way that the Harlem Globetrotters beat up the Washington Generals, to a full blown terrorist organization that is going to overthrow the government? Well it can be boiled down to four simple words “Because Trump said so”. That’s right – 4th grade ideology, 4th grade ideas. And their minds haven’t progressed beyond the 4th grade, either.





Tin foil hats and bras – interesting choice of uniforms! But the thing is that Trump may be gone, but his adoring fans aren’t; but they aren’t the only ones who are getting rowdier and adding some military firepower to their ranks. But the fact that the Proud Boys are recruiting former military members shows that there is extremism in the military and that it should be rooted out. Now that’s a conspiracy!





So if there’s one cross section that the Proud Boys and the military have, it’s they actually have members of both groups. And there’s probably both ex-military and the Proud Boys involved in the Capitol Riots. We may never know the full extent of the damage that was done. Or who was there, or who gets caught. But one thing’s for certain – you don’t bring zip lines, pipe bombs, and AR-15s to a supposedly peaceful protest.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And one thing I’ve learned about this year is that people are stupider than ever. Especially since we’re still in the middle of a raging pandemic! But even that hasn’t stopped stupid people from being stupid. I want to start with this story out of Oklahoma. The article doesn’t specify the town but does state some positively shocking information about the criminal in question. And really we’re on the side of the woman who tore down the flag, because, fuck Nazis. But I want to talk about this story because, yeah, fuck Nazis. And would you guess this guy has a profile on Gab? I’m not at all shocked. This story has everything!





Yeah where are Jake and Elwood when you need them? Next up – if you’ve seen any of the Marvel movies, particularly Guardians Of The Galaxy 2, in the beginning of that movie, the plot is put in motion when Rocket Raccoon steals a bunch of rare batteries. Well, guess what? In real life that happened, and what makes this dumb is these batteries have a location tracker in them, so Verizon was easily able to identify that they were stolen! D’oh!!!





Yeah maybe Rocket isn’t the best being to go to for advice. Next up – we go to the Oregon city of Beaverton for this stupid criminal story. So here’s the thing – if you are going to steal a car, you might want to, I don’t know, check for things like toddlers or small persons in them. But also, you might not want to be around at the crime scene if you get caught because that could turn ugly quickly.





Ah, great movie! Next up – we got to go to our favorite state of Florida. Yes, America’s most penis-shaped state never fails to amaze with all of the crazy people they have. And here’s the thing – you don’t want to send drugs through the mail. That’s why you have vigilante groups for that sort of thing, because if you send meth through the mail, you will get caught. And that’s exactly what happened.





Oh man do I love that show. Finally this week – speaking of America’s most penis-shaped state, Florida, we go to the town of Port Richie for this one, and if you have a rather easily identifiable tattoo, you might want to refrain from doing stupid things. I guess you could say this guy really is Florida Man because he has a Florida tattoo on his forehead! Now cue up “911 is a joke”!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! You know, Biden is making it harder to get material for these things and I guess that’s a good thing. We’ve only got two more of these and then we’re done but before that I want to show you what a real president does. Last week we talked about what a real president does, and it doesn’t involve golfing or rage tweeting while sitting on the toilet for two hours. It also doesn’t involve eating cheeseburgers in bed and throwing the wrappers on the floor while yelling at 8 different monitors broadcasting 10 different channels. But no, Biden does presidential things, like honoring Black History Month for instance, which this is what is happening right now!





Well interesting point Tracy, but we’ll save that for another topic! Anyway, unlike the last guy (who shall remain nameless), this administration does everything right and has been doing it so far! And the other nice thing about Biden is that unlike the last guy, he doesn’t need to make a huge spectacle in front of a million people with cameras and microphones to do it! What else does he do in this case?





Well what’s happening is more of that “radical left agenda” that the right wing media has been harping on about for decades. It will be nice to have compassion back in Washington and a return to a sense of normalcy now that we’re past that other guy. See this? This is what a president is supposed to do! While we’re on the subject of Black History Month it’s important to know that Biden will not be like the other guy, who only recognized it in tweet form. Biden is much more than that!





Oh just more of that “radical left agenda” again! Seriously do we need any more of this? I mean with the previous guy people were literally fighting each other in the streets. I don’t think you will have that with Biden in power! But unlike the last guy, Biden doesn’t just talk the talk. He is a guy who actually practices what he preaches! Oh the horror!












See you next week!

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Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 3, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-2: Sharks With Jewish Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-2: Sharks With Jewish Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads Edition

Ed. Note: Due to a scheduling conflict IRL, the Top 10 will be early this week. Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? We’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club. Yeah we’re all in the same boat right now watching and waiting to see what happens with COVID. Seriously, I’ve literally reached the end of Netflix. I’ve watched all the TV I can watch! I can’t watch anymore! I literally feel like that scene from the Simpsons when Apu worked a 52 hour shift and by the end he was buzzing around his store like a hummingbird. OK do we have time for the thing? OK look I know we’re still on lockdown and everyone is getting to the point where we’re losing our minds, but that said, in the immortal words of Will Ferrell from Old School, WE GOT TO KEEP OUR COMPOSURE!!!!! I’m of course referring to the colossal fuck up from Brian Williams on MSNBC when he played footage of Jerry McGuire instead of footage from the meeting that was supposed be between Trump and Kevin McCarthy. Yeah my producer reminds me of the idiot who played footage of Dumb & Dumber instead of a man on the street interview. It’s literally the same shit, different day, circa 2021. But come on, in this day and age in 2021 have we not learned how copy and paste works? If we hit CTRL-V do our fingers not bleed? Yeah I will admit I am close to losing my mind! OK enough of the intro! We have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first Bill Maher is back and he is introducing the incoming Congress of 2021 and how crazy some of our freshmen reps can get!



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is of course the 2nd impeachment trial of former president Donald J. Trump (1) and right now the case would make for a perfect one of those how it started / how’s it going memes! Taking the second slot this week is our new favorite Congressional idiot, Marjorie Taylor Greene (2) and whew, this woman is a real piece of Alex Jones style brainwashing. And speaking of Infowars, in slot #3 this week is our old buddy Alex Jones and the lawsuits from Sandy Hook are still going on, but the Texas Supreme Court threw him a new curveball, and well, it looks like he might be ranting about fake news from prison! In the #4 slot this week we’re going to talk stock trading and tell you about the bizarre feud between trading firm Robinhood (4) and Reddit’s largest forum dedicated to stock trading and it’s quite the stuff of insanity! In the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week with the pandemic and everyone living online, a new form of self-awareness has risen, and we’re going to take a look at the strange new world of Zoom Dysmorphia and people getting unnecessary plastic surgery so they can look good in front of their web cams. Yeah that’s a thing. Taking the 6th slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church of the Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, are we in a cold holy war? Our resident pastor is taking a look at far right churches dividing and conquering over their support of our former leader and it’s quite the stuff of insanity! Taking the #7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7)! This may be our fourth one dedicated to the ongoing fight between conservatives and Colin Kaepernick, but with the Super Bowl approaching, how come we have double standards for Kapernick and Tom Brady? It’s quite insane. And in slot #8, we are very excited to debut our new feature Parlerfiles (8)! This is a new free-floating segment where we take apart and dissect some of the batshit crazy posts found on far right social media sites like Parler, Gab, Dlive, and Telegram! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have our first “I Need A Drink” of 2021 and we’re going to get drunk and tell you about Oklahoma’s insane new plan to attract tourists – by establishing a Bigfoot Hunting Season! Finally this week in our ongoing coverage of the transition of power in “Road To The White House” – what does a daily schedule for President Biden look like? Well it’s miles different than the one from the other guy! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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OK so remember in the Avengers movies when Thor said that Loki would face Asguardian justice for unleashing Thanos’ army on New York City? And then in Thor: The Dark World, he’s hauled in chains to face punishment from Odin? Yeah I’m sure the upcoming Trump impeachment trial is going to reflect this sentiment. But here’s the thing – we’re not impeaching over the 2016 election, that’s spilled milk at this point. We’re impeaching over the events that happened on January 6th, 2021! And what’s hilarious is that conservatives love to talk trash, and that’s really all they have. But when they stage a coup that nearly gets our Congressional leaders murdered in their own offices? Surprisingly they are dead silent on this issue. Guess they don’t want to get caught.





Hey you know we’ve already had one host of the Apprentice as president. We don’t need another one, though at least Arnold knows what to do with Nazis. But this might be my favorite part of the whole trial so far – Trump’s lawyers have all abandoned him! And that’s right – I said all!! Eventually it will be down to just Lin Wood, Lionel Hutz, and Barry Zuckerkorn. But I think that this case would be too toxic for even Lionel Hutz to consider, which makes it pretty damn toxic!





That's actual footage of Trump from next week when he fires all of his attorneys again and realizes he's got nothing! And I mean really how do you defend what happened at the Capitol? It’s absolute madness and it’s impossible to even begin to comprehend. So what blew up Trump’s legal team? Well I will give you a hint – money! That’s right – Trump’s biggest grift can’t pay his legal bills and this is going to get really juicy as the trial goes on!





Yeah so Trump is the Joker and he just lit a huge pile of money on fire. Already we haven’t even started the trial and it’s turning into a dumpster fire. So that raises two questions – the first is that Trump claims to have made a boatload (or pantload) off the White House, and he’s not accounting for a whole lot of that money. And no money means no defense which means that Trump could very well represent himself, and we know what a disaster that could be!






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
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By now you’ve probably had an ass full of Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Green (R – Batshit). Because she’s certifiably fucking crazy and basically channeling Trump. In fact she’s Trump version 2.0. In fact, she could be the Congress person who serves the shortest term – if she’s fired or expelled. And she 100% deserves it. If you want to know her makeup, she’s a product of Infowars and social media mental conditioning. She has claimed that Sandy Hook and Parkland didn’t happen, has claimed Vegas was a false flag, and even gone so far as to suggest that California’s wildfires were started by a space laser owned by George Soros. Does he own everything these idiots don’t like? But here’s the thing Marjorie – I live in an area prone to fires. We’ve had to evacuate on multiple occasions, I would like to see you have to flee your home!





Sometimes I wonder if I’m reading the LA Times or the Onion. I mean really even Saturday Night Live couldn’t make up something this batshit fucking crazy. I mean what, speaking of Dr. Evil, does Marjorie think that we have sharks with Jewish laser beams attached to their heads? But if you want to know how deep Majorie’s crazy goes, well, it goes pretty fucking deep!





Here’s the thing Marjorie – if you make a claim as crazy as this which you have to follow up with “I’m not racist, but… “ well, guess what? You’re a racist! Holy shit, literally anyone can see that! Even Mitch McConnell can see that! And if you’re too toxic for Moscow Mitch, well , that’s pretty damn toxic! But no way, Mitch, you’re not off the hook just yet! Marjorie’s madness is just a byproduct of how batshit insane your former boss is! And Marjorie’s Madness by the way would make an awesome band!





Yes, because that baby will grow up to spout batshit crazy things if you’re not careful! And yes if Marjorie steps out and sees her shadow, it’s six more months of batshit! Thank you my fair virtual audience! So Mitch isn’t getting off easy and neither is the GOP. Here’s the thing guys – you either own it or it becomes an entity that consumes you! But the thing is, most in the GOP secretly agree with her, and we’re looking in your direction, Devin and Ted!






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones

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You know this is like in those middle school movies where the kids finally fight back against the bully and he gets taken down several notches? Well the fight against Alex Jones’ Infowars is kind of like that. We saw the conspiracy theorists get their asses handed to them in the 2020 election because we’re tired of being run by fucking idiots. And one thing that’s nice about the Biden Administration is that he doesn’t care about these shitheads. Remember when Trump called into Infowars to tell Alex Jones that he will be very pleased? How cringe worthy that was? Well, this more than makes up for it! Well after the ruling by the Texas Supreme Court last week, it looks like Alex Jones can be sued into oblivion, and he’ll eventually be taking his conspiracy theories to padded walls.





Yeah conspiracy theorists, this is where you can shout all the crap you want about free speech, but even that has consequences! Here’s the thing – the Constitution gives you the right to be as crazy of an asshole as you want to be, but if you cross lines that you were not meant to cross, such as what Alex Jones did, then there will be punishments handed out!





Oh and here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to! Because that’s how things roll around here. So back in October, when Alex Jones was transitioning from being Trump’s lackey to just an idiot with a megaphone, he attempted to do what grade school kids might refer to as “backsies”. That’s right – after 8 years of lies and slander, he attempted to walk back his slander of the Sandy Hook families. I guess he doesn’t want his ass handed to him!





Yeah Alex, you just can’t take back what you did! That’s truly the stuff of insanity there. But if you want to see the true extent of the damage that Alex Jones did to that small community, look no further than this PBS report from last year. Because this is truly some batshit crazy stuff. Alex Jones isn’t just a menace – he’s a threat to national security. His role in the Capitol Riots proved it, and this should cement the idea.






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[font size="8"]Robinhood
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Last week you might have seen Gamestop and AMC trending and you had absolutely no clue what this was about. I will be the first to admit that I didn’t know either. But let’s put it this way. Some of America’s biggest retailers like Gamestop, AMC, Burger King, and (former) Blockbuster video all have one thing in common: they are run by some greedy-ass hedge fund managers, and the pandemic has accelerated the case for them all to get the same treatment that Borders and Toys R Us got. Which will mean lots of empty storefronts and lots of unemployed people. And the hedge fund managers get richer. But trying to explain what happened and to explain the science and math behind what has been going on the stock world is way too complex for us to comprehend. So we’ll let Elizabeth Warren explain just what the hell is going on.





So let’s try and explain this as best we can – this is known as what’s called “micro trading” and it’s trading small stocks for big gains. I don’t know much about stocks, so stop me if I am wrong. But what the stock managers are really doing is exploiting the same loopholes that hedge fund managers have been doing for decades. Now it seems like people are getting their own slice of the pie, but Robinhood wants it back!





Yeah so what happens when Robinhood finds out about actual Robin Hood going on, they turn into the Sheriff Of Nottingham. But the simple fact is that Reddit has managed to turn Wall Street and hedge fund managers on its’ ear. And when you screw with hedge fund managers, it may end about as well as Scarface. Because those guys are the kind who get high on their own supply!





That’s right – never, ever get high on your own supply! And in case you’re wondering if this is hurting Robinhood’s business, well, they are getting slammed. Not by Congress or the Fed, mind you. They are getting slammed where it really hurts – the Google reviews section! And you know they struck a nerve when even Google’s review editors don’t give a shit! They’re just like “yeah whatever, rate it as low as you want!”. Your move, Robinhood!







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Zoom Dysmorphia
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



It’s been nearly 10 months now since the novel coronavirus outbreak sent the entire world out of the public view and living on their webcams. But with change also comes unwanted change. In fact since so many people have been spending so much time in front of a webcam, a new form of an old disorder has arisen. Dysmorphia can take many forms – whether one is unhappy with their gender, race, height, or weight, can cause a person to be unhappy with themselves. But now a new form of dysmorphia has arisen – Zoom Dysmorphia. That’s right – people are unhappy with the way they are looking in front of their webcams and are taking steps to improve their appearance on a computer monitor. And by “taking steps” – we mean “unnecessary plastic surgery”. That’s right – people are going so far as to modify their appearance by scheduling plastic surgery so that they can look good for their admiring virtual public. Even scarier than that? The market is booming right now.





Yes, if you spend all day everyday looking at yourself on a video screen, you’re going to notice things that you’ve never noticed before that you wouldn’t have been able to detect if you weren’t sitting in front of a monitor all day. But what happens if you notice these things? And in the middle of a raging pandemic would you really want to risk having to go to the hospital just because you’re uncomfortable with how your chin line looks? We find out.





That is an astonishingly high number of people who are willing to get procedures during this pandemic, and nobody looks good on a webcam no matter how hard you try. But you know who is winning the game during this pandemic? That’s right – surgery providers and botox manufacturers. Because those who are willing to go so far as to look good online are willing to pay big money for these procedures, and you had better have deep pockets if you’re willing to go this far.





And yes that would be a good idea. But the Botox and plastic surgery industry are booming, and while Zoom Dysmorphia may be a temporary solution for a temporary problem, people are also preparing for the possibility of real life meetings in the near future when the virus finally subsides. So how does one deal with Zoom Dysmorphia for the time being? We ask some actual therapists on how to deal with this very temporary problem.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Are we in a holy war? Because now that the DEVIL is finally gone from the White House and a new era of prosperity following a devastating tragedy is coming, there are some of us who still support the unholy, ungodly Dark One, a man so disgusting that his name not be mentioned in my church – whether it is real or virtual! Because those who march for the Dark One, are supporting the DEVIL , the almighty SAYTAN himself! In fact, some blows are being traded on both sides as we speak between congregations that support the light side and those that support the dark side! The churches are participating in the ultimate circular firing squad. In fact our fellow brother Gordon has offered to fire the first shot!





Seriously, Gordon, that was the last guy! And I can guarantee that GAWD would not want that horrible, vile DAYMON to be reelected, because that’s just not who we are as a people! And I thank GAWD that I can finally say the president’s name again – and his name is Joesph R. Biden! But these guys are angry, and I mean really angry. Just look at what Brother Josh said before the supporters of the unholy Dark One stormed the Capitol!





I’m pretty sure that is not what is really happening, Josh! But then another one of our usual suspects, Brother Lance, had this to say! You know is GAWD finished with the Dark One? Let’s think about this here for a minute – because the Dark One spent nearly $140 million on golf trips during the course of his administration. What did President Biden do last Sunday? He went to church! I can’t imagine the Dark One would set foot in a church, less see the buildings disintegrate into a pit of fiery hell!





Yes he does ! In fact some on the right are even going so far as to call this a “crusade”. It’s insane how deep their support for the cult that surrounds the Dark One goes! Even though he is no longer in power, I will continue my policy of never mentioning his name in my church! For the good LAWRD JAYSUS would proclaim that he does not support the Ungodly one! But these people are completely crazy and if they’re willing to die for the cause, well, that’s their funeral!



OK brother Brian! If that’s the hill that you want to die on, it’s your loss! We’re not persecuting Christians, we just elected a real one to the presidency! So yeah have that! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Kaepernick V Brady
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We might be officially beating our own dead horse here. Because if you remember this started with conservatives berating Colin Kaepernick over that whole kneeling during the anthem thing (see: Idiots #3-16 ), and now with Super Bowl LV less than a week away, featuring yet *ANOTHER* appearance by Tom Brady, is it OK to separate the politics from the player? After all, don’t hate the player, hate the game! And the game can be quite hateable if the same team keeps winning it year after year! Well let’s think about this here – Tom Brady is a super wealthy, charismatic Super Bowl champion who’s been to the White House 5 times, has previously supported our former president Trump, and is married to a super model. Colin Kaepernick’s qualifications? He’s a black guy who pissed off the people who previously supported our 45th president.





Yeah so Tom Brady has been to the Super Bowl a whopping 10 times and Colin Kaepernick still doesn’t have a job. But the difference? Tom Brady has supported right-leaning politics and football’s biggest fans generally tend to lean more conservative, but that comes with changing demographics. But you can’t deny that president #45 still has an impact on pro sports, no matter what your preference is – if you prefer NASCAR, baseball, basketball, football, hockey, I could go on and on.





Man that just keeps coming! But seriously you know that you’re too toxic when you’re considered toxic for a guy who’s been accused of cheating multiple times! But again this asks the question – why does Tom Brady get a free pass for his toxic politics, but Colin Kaepernick gets ostracized from the league for a simple kneel during the national anthem? Well let’s ask former Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston!



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[font size="8"]Parlerfiles
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Welcome everyone to our brand new segment, Parlerfiles! So why did we decide to do this segment, you might ask? Well I answer you – there’s a lot of batshit crazy out there. It’s no secret that ever since Twitter finally fired @realDonaldTrump that things have turned upside down in the social media world and everything is crazy. In the far right world – all the usual social media suspects that we’ve come to love and hate have been replaced. Facebook has been replaced with Gab. Twitter has been replaced with Parler. Instagram has been replaced by Telegram. And Youtube has been replaced by Dlive. The thing that unites all of these sites? Anyone can say anything they want, and there’s some seriously batshit crazy stuff out there. For the purpose of this segment, there’s no story we’re reporting on, it’s a free-floating segment, just taking a few posts and trying to make sense of them! You can’t do it! Like for instance:



Holy shit, people believe this stuff! Look, Trump is none of those things. He’s literally Grandpa Simpson sitting at a typewriter writing complaints about stupid nonsense.



Yeah Trump is that guy! He doesn’t tweet like a 20 year old, though I could see him very lazily trying to type “UR” instead of “your” ,and he has been known to confuse “your” and “you’re”. Believe me we’ve seen enough of his tweets! Then if you go on Parler you see posts like this:



Nah. The Proud Boys vs Antifa is like the Harlem Globetrotters vs the Washington Generals. You don’t go there to watch fundamentals, you go strictly for the entertainment value, and you know that one person is pulling the strings for both teams! And by the way next week we’ll go into full detail about what went down in Myanmar but there’s no way Trump would have the charisma to pull off such a coup:

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356326209462923265



Man these guys want to overthrow the government? I wouldn’t trust them to overthrow a freaking Home Depot. Let’s see 10,000 wannabe militia types open fire on the US military. They’d retreat with their tails between their legs in 10 minutes. Let’s get into some video next and I am in no way shocked that Russia is involved with Q Anon.

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356250311824965639


Seriously, what does Putin have on Roger Stone? Is it money or is it something that’s far more incriminating like the Trump pee pee tape? Yeah you know what? That’s something I hope that I will never see. And something that can not be unseen are some of the absolutely batshit memes being posted around Parler like this one:

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356118940230049793



People really believe this shit! And that’s insane that 3 weeks after the inauguration we still see idiots with Trump signs at street corners. And then Parler is known as a place where trolls go to troll. Want proof? One of the worst trolls imaginable – ultra far right pastor Joshua Feurerstien posts there, and we had honestly forgot about that guy, despite that he was one of the original inspirations for “Holy Shit”.

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356113690127458310

Seriously? This was three days ago. Biden’s already been inaugurated and cleaning up most of Trump’s mess. And speaking of Q conspiracy theorists, this has to be one of my favorite ones because for some reason, they think that 5th dimensional chess is an actual thing. But what makes this even funnier is that a Google search for “5th dimensional chess” brings up the 1960s band 5th Dimension, which sang the song “Age Of Aquarius”. Yeah so there is that.

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1353881592633159683



That is a good question, sir! Because there is one story that I wanted to report on is that everyone’s favorite batshit crazy Congresswoman, a poster child for how crazy Q Anon and Infowars followers can get, Marjorie Taylor Greene spent a whopping $207,000 advertising on this shit. No wonder she attracts the crazies!



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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!

.

So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we have some drinks, we discuss literally anything as long as it doesn’t relate to the news or politics. And there’s a lot of dark shit out there right now – we’re in a time of a great plague, and we had a transition of power that I would not exactly say went what one would call “smooth”. So fuck that shit. Instead we’re going to talk about the latest sensation to come out of Oklahoma. So tell me, virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about Bigfoot? A beer served in a giant glass shaped like a foot? No thanks, I don’t know where I could find such a glass. Maybe on Etsy. They have everything. But Oklahoma has an absolutely batshit way to draw tourism revenue when / if we ever get to tour things again.





Yeah what a great idea! Give your gun-loving conspiracy theorist relatives an excuse to shoot something, that will “own the libs”! But there’s more to this than would meet the eye. So what’s in it for the state of Oklahoma you might ask? Well besides that sweet, sweet tourism revenue, which states very badly need, there’s a monetary prize for whoever captures Bigfoot. Which is weird because nobody knows what Bigfoot looks like! I mean is he a monkey with giant feet, or is he your 7’4 cousin with a size 24 triple wide sneaker? Well that would be murder, then, wouldn’t it?





I don’t even think that’s enough booze right now! So get your best Daffy Duck vs Bugs Bunny impression ready because it’s literally Bigfoot hunting season in Oklahoma! And what’s going to happen when things get out of control? Because you know they will, and putting a $25,000 bounty on Bigfoot is going to have disastrous consequences, and you know things will get weird!





So take heart, Oklahoma hunters! No one has ever actually caught Bigfoot! And the one person who claims to have caught Bigfoot was actually just flat out making shit up. If you do go Bigfoot hunting, be sure to take that into account. But why Oklahoma? Well the myth of Bigfoot traces back to Honobia, Oklahoma where the annual Bigfoot Festival takes place every year. And this is mainly just a way to promote the festival. For when we can have festivals again.






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Joe Biden’s First Week
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! Now that we’ve given Trump the heave ho he so richly deserves, Biden is ready to get to work, but what has his first week in office looked like? We’re going to examine this in full, and it looks a hell of a lot different than when Trump assumed power in 2017. For one thing it is so nice to have a president who doesn’t toilet tweet or give self congratulatory interviews on Fox News every night. It’s so refreshing to have a president who doesn’t speak to Sean Hannity on a nightly basis. And in case you’re wondering, he really is hard at work right now cleaning up Trump’s mess!





And the best part too – Biden just moves onto the next thing and doesn’t hold it up for the world to see like Trump did! So what does Joe have planned in his first 100 days? Well in his first 7 days he’s already accomplished more than Trump has in four years. But his first 100 days look to be really intense and he plans a lot to get Americans back to work and get COVID under control. But it looks like Biden is channeling FDR in his plans!





That is a good question! But what is happening right now is that we finally have a leader with compassion – as opposed to having a leader who’s been a colossal dick for the last four years that got us in a raging pandemic and crippling unemployment. And also while Trump tried to play the “cool boss” part of being president without actually doing his job, Biden is the boss and he will be playing the “cool boss” part when COVID finally gets under control!





See that conservatives? That’s what a president is supposed to do! Yeah you can cheerlead Trump all you want but he never really did any actual work. Biden gets shit done before noon, while Trump sleeps until noon and then spends the next 8 hours yelling at the TV, while calling other people lazy. Oh and this might be one of the best parts of the Biden administration so far – he won’t be making decisions involving his family members! Again… what’s happening right now? Is it that far left agenda? You bet!










[font size="4"]And Now This: [br] [/font]
[font size="8"]Black Pumas [br] [/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, you saw them and loved them at the Inauguration of Joe Biden! Now playing the song “Colors” from their album Black Pumas – you can buy the Deluxe Edition of this album anywhere you get music, give it up for Black Pumas!



See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 27, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-1: Lauren's Got A Gun Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-1: Lauren’s Got A Gun Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? We’re of course still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club. Look at it, it’s so blue, how could you possibly miss it? But we made it everybody!!! Our long national nightmare is finally over! And you know what? People have been asking me what the end of the Trump era feels like, and I got to say it kind of feels like pulling off a scab. It feels very satisfying at first, but it opens up a festering wound that will take a long time to stop bleeding. Pleasant analogy, I know, but then again the last four years have been anything but pleasant. More on that later. Do we have time for the thing? Yes, we actually do have a thing! It feels good! No, not that kind of thing. But it’s really about our show. What are we going to do now that Trump is no longer in power? Well we’re going to continue on for the 10th and 11th seasons, and we’ve got plenty of exciting new content to debut for you including a feature that we’re debuting next week called “Parler Files” where we will dissect for you some of the ridiculously batshit crazy things being said on right wing social media. We might also work on that name. Plus all your favorite segments are coming back for more. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first one of my favorite podcasts is from Christopher Titus, and this week on the Armageddon Update, he very clearly spells out what went down at the Capitol Riot and defines the language for those who are too dumb to understand:



Well in the number one slot, we made it everybody! Taking the #1 slot this week is Senate Republicans (1) because the 2nd impeachment and actual trial of our 45th president is getting underway and they’re doing their best to sweep it under the rug! Taking the second slot this week is Tucker Carlson (2) and we ask the question – could his viewers be racist? The answer might surprise you! Taking the third slot this week is our now FORMER president Donald Trump (3) and this is where we send off the Trump administration by taking a look at some of my favorite things that he’s said and done, and I still can’t believe that a sitting president did these things and we survived as a country. Taking the 4th slot this week is Rudy Giuliani (4) and he’s basically admitted all but the fact that Trump was accepting bribes for presidential pardons, and there were a lot of them to dissect, Steve Bannon probably being the most egregious one. Taking the fifth slot this week is the return of our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re taking a look at Bitcoin failures. Bitcoin has been surging but you got to remember your passwords, folks! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in Holy Shit (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at predictions from right wing pastors about the forthcoming year 2021 and the Biden administration and well, they’re fucked up. Taking the #7 slot this week, we add Colorado’s Q Anon loving Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (7) to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected! In the number 8 slot this week, we have a new edition of This Fucking Guy, and this week we’re profiling heavy metal guitarist and hardcore Trumpfile Jon Schhaffer (8), founder of the band Iced Earth! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have our first People Are Dumb (9) of 2021 and we’re going to dedicate it to some of the ridiculously dumb people that participated in the Capitol riot and did it for the selfies! And finally this week is Road To The White House (10) and this week we’re going to talk about Joe Biden’s awe-inspiring inauguration and what to expect in his first 100 days! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Senate Republicans
[br] [/font] [br]

I know what you’re thinking – it’s a new year and we have a new president, right? Wrong! Yes, I know that Joe Biden has officially been inaugurated and he’s already been hard at work reversing most of Trump’s policies, right? Meet the new boss, same as the old boss! No!!! Thank god! We do not need a new boss that’s the same as the old boss. Because the old boss was literally the worst president we’ve ever had. And after going full Avengers Loki on us, he’s now awaiting his Asguard like fate like Loki did in Thor: The Dark World. But I wish he would meet that fate. I really want to see him dragged away in handcuffs for what he did at the Capitol. But that said, conservative republicans in the Senate are doing their best to imitate Leslie Nielsen in The Naked Gun.





Dude, seriously, you almost got killed in a riot incited by your previous president. Is that whole damn party under Stockholm Syndrome or what? They’ve been kidnapped by a dangerous cult and are refusing to do anything about it. But the whole reason for this exercise is to prevent a certfiably insane lunatic like Trump from ever holding office again. So why are they so resistant to the idea? Oh don’t worry, Josh Howley, we’re coming for you next. Look no further than Florida Man himself, Marco Rubio, to provide the lack of answers.





Yeah true! Well, someone must care enough to put Trump on trial, am I right? Before you go crazy on the Trump impeachment trial, let’s take a minute to assess that there are people on the right who are criminally insane. Don’t worry, we’ll get to Josh Howley in a bit. And they’re not alone, behind door #3 is House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Obviously). But let’s not overlook the fact that Trump deserves to be punished for the uprising. Oh wait I hear he likes that sort of thing. *shudder*





Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Everybody is responsible for what happened at the Capitol? Even me? I want nothing to do with these traitor scumbags. But I thought what happens at the capitol stays at the capitol, right? Oh wait, it’s a riot, it’s not Vegas. What happens there will definitely come back to haunt you for the rest of eternity and that’s not going to be pretty when it eventually catches up to you! But really, with friends like these, who needs enemies?







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[font size="8"]Fox News
[br] [/font] [br]

Here’s the thing guys – if you have to ask if you’re racist, chances are probably good (I’d say 95% with a +-5% margin of error) that you most likely are a racist. Case in point: Last week, Tucker Carlson – a stupid person’s definition of a smart person – asked his viewers to define what a white supremacist really was. But before I get into that, I want to first examine Josh Howley and his criminally batshit crazy Op Ed that he wrote in the New York Post. Before you get mad at me for this, I want you to know that I am sharing this because this will illustrate the point that I’m trying to make in this entry. This is what your average white wing Fox News watching friend / neighbor / coworker is thinking right now.





Yeah go cue up the world’s smallest violin. See, if you’re mad about being canceled without actually taking the time to examine *WHY* you were canceled, then guess what? You’re part of the problem and not the solution! Yeah thank you blank pre-recorded audience! But that illustrates the point I am making – this is what Trump fans are really thinking right now! Which leads me to Tucker Carlson. This is exactly the “I’m not racist, but…” argument.





Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! You can’t just expect to walk back the wall! I mean come on, there’s been rumors that one of your fellow employees, Sean Hannity, had a direct line to Trump every night and was more influential on Trump’s policy than the Joint Chiefs were! Oh and Tucker Carlson isn’t the only one in the GOP questioning the party’s ties to white male racists. I give you Rand Paul, who said that he thinks Biden is calling them racist. Well guess what guys? You kind of sort of are!





Really guys! Did you ever stop to think for a minute that it might not be them, it’s you? Because while you’re wondering whether or not you’re a racist, Biden is actively looking into threats from domestic terrorists! So keep asking that question, Tucker, because the next white supremacist you find might actually be the one you see in the mirror. Yes, Boogaloo Bois and Proud Boys, we’re coming for you, and you might want to get used to seeing another color – orange.






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[font size="8"]The Capitol Riot: The Suspects
[br] [/font] [br]

The Capitol Riot is still huge news and why not? The last time someone tried something that batshit insane was 150 years ago! And due to the sheer amount of people who were at this thing, not only is it going to provide good fodder for us for the next two years, but we may never know the real extent of everything that happened there. But one thing is for certain – the people who infiltrated the Capitol Building are some of the dumbest motherfuckers alive! So much that we’re dedicating this week’s People Are Dumb to just that! But one thing is for certain is that these are some of the stupidest criminals alive. You don’t break into a government building and take a selfie to upload to Instagram! I mean they have things like location and IP trackers. So if you do this, that will make it that much easier for the Feds to find you. Like this for instance!





Here’s the thing guys – not only are you making the Feds’ job that much easier, you’re also making my job that much easier! Hell I am writing this entry in 10 freaking minutes! The more we find out about what went on during the January 6th riot, the more we find out how fucking stupid and crazy the Trump fans really are. Really – if you play stupid games, you’re going to win stupid prizes. Like a trip to jail or COVID-19. Yeah there’s still that happening too!





Aw… shucky darn, you’re going to go to jail! Hope you like prison food! I mean really, who the fuck talks like that? Let alone someone who has access to private jets? But you might be thinking “Gee, there’s got to be an explanation for such stupidity! Well guess what? I got news for you: there isn’t. You know how we’re always asking for “pics or it didn’t happen?”. Yeah the same applies here. But when you post selfies with location and IP tracking, you’re gonna get caught.





Yeah really! There aren’t enough facepalms for this. But again we say – play stupid games and win stupid prizes! Before you think about uploading that selfie of you posing in front of Nancy Pelosi’s office, you might want to think about the consequences of your actions. I mean come on, it got the alt right personality known as Baked Alaska caught. And really who names themselves after a desert from the 1950s? These idiots.






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[font size="8"]Rudy Giuliani
[br] [/font] [br]

Speaking of playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes, in this corner we have our next contender… *drum roll* Rudy Giuliani!!! Come on down, what do you win? Well, Mr. New York’s Mayor, you win a prison sentence! And so does everyone in the administration! You get a prison sentence and you get a prison sentence! And you get one! And you get one! Everybody gets a prison sentence! So what did Giuliani do that was so egregious you might ask? Well for one thing in Trump’s final hours – his lawyer Giuliani revealed the true cost of a presidential pardon. It turns out that freedom really isn’t free and in fact it has a price. Well, it has a price tag, anyways! See what I did there?





But that said, would you really trust Giuliani for your attorney? Hell I wouldn’t trust him as my attorney in a mock trial. Seriously, I wouldn’t trust him as my attorney on an episode of Mock Trial With J. Reinhold! Just Google that reference. With Trump’s trial going to the Senate, well, we can expect that Giuliani will not be a part of this mess. And don’t worry – we will get to that in a minute. Do you really want a guy this unstable on your side? Well, look at who his boss is!





Yeah that’s because Giuliani might have a huge legal mess on his own. You know those pesky Slapp suits? Well this is one that could work to our advantage because you know conservative conspiracy theorists have been floating bullshit conspiracies about Dominion Voting Systems? Well Giuliani was named in a lawsuit this morning and it’s going to get really ugly really quickly!





You know here’s the thing guys, and allow me to play life coach here for a minute. Maybe, I don’t know, don’t live your life in such a way that you get sued by a voting machine company for a fucking BILLION DOLLARS because you peddled lies and baseless bullshit conspiracy theories against them! That’s some sound advice there! And if you think this is going to go away overnight, Dominion actually makes a really solid case.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Invesitgates: Bitcoin Password Fails
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Remember to write down your password. That’s the moral of the story here. because you never know when you might need it, or that hundreds of millions are at stake. The reason why this is brought up is because Bitcoins are back in the news, and people are getting richer than they’ve ever been. But they also can’t figure out how to access their money. But when you can’t access a fortune because you forgot your password, it can come back to haunt you. And if that happens then you can be in seriously deep trouble, both with the Feds and with your actual bank. These entrepreneurs are learning it the really hard way. And in most cases the word “password” isn’t going to work as your password.





Yes, if you’re worth a hundred million dollars, you might want to realize that we could let you get away with having your password as 12345. But this isn’t the only self-made millionaire in the world of electronic currency that’s having a hard time accessing his fortune. Look at this man in Belfast who is offering a staggering amount of money for someone to find his lost hard drive. You know if you had that much money in a hard drive, you might want to, maybe hold onto that device? We’re just saying.





That is pretty much what it is like if you don’t find your Bitcoin password. Even more mind blowing is that these guys’ fortune is increasing while they are forgetting their password. So is it intentional or is it just plain stupid? Well it’s a combination of the two. And the guy in Ireland can’t be any worse than this man in the US who is literally just two password guesses from losing his entire fortune. Yeah just think about that for a minute.





So how do you fix this? Do you implement harsher or easier for cyber security? That is a question being asked all over the country, especially in light of the recent Solar Winds attack. But here is a possible encryption solution coming from the places that the right likes to refer to as “big tech”. Yes, they created both the problem and what looks like the solution in this case!





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! I have returned from my sabbatical refreshed and ready to take on a new year which I hope will much better than the last year. And things are already better? You know how I know? I can start referring to the President as a real human being again, and we can freely say his name in my church! Unlike the last guy, who was the most unholy, ungodly excuse for a human being and we dare not say his name in church, even if it is virtual for the time being! But that said, there are those on the right, who cannot help themselves but make some stunningly horrible observations about how the new year and new president will pan out. Let’s start with our good friend Sean Feucht, who I previously profiled in Idiots #9-17, what has he been up to lately? Well this!





Gee, I am not shocked at all that someone who sells Christian rock music is trying to tell people to turn off reality. And what is their obsession with “the public square”? Hey guys we’re in a raging pandemic right now, there is no public square! And there’s no one stopping you from saying this crap, just good luck getting anyone to listen. It’s hard, I know! But I do love it when the prophecies fail, as is demonstrated by this next piece!





Yes, Hank. You know what God also doesn’t love? He doesn’t love people who attempt to murder those who they don’t agree with. As is the case here with the unholy, ungodly Dark One, and even though he is no longer in power, we must never speak his name in my church, must less I cast thee out! Because the good LAWRD JAYSUS knows this! But is this really comparable to the 1930s? Only when a bunch of right wingers knowingly get their asses handed to them!





Nah, it’s only a douchebag getting treated like the douchebag that he is. Because even in the new year we must make sure that they are getting what is coming to them. That’s a passage in the Good Book, which you can still buy! But really you’re defending a pillow salesman? A guy who hawks cheaply made garbage at that? Fine if that is the hill that you shall layeth on. And by the way if you want to know where the new year is headed, just consult your local Alt Right!





Now that is where the right wants to take us in 2021! Yes, things are going to get interesting and possibly ugly, and we will keep you up on the latest developments! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Lauren Boebert
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week: Colorado’s Lauren Boebert. Rep Boebert is a representative of Colorado’s 3rd district which includes the city of Pueblo. Pueblo is a town that is known for it’s ski resorts in the winter. It’s also now known for electing criminally batshit crazy representatives such as Lauren Boebert, who represents a Q Anon Congressional installation as well as the 3rd district of Colorado. Boebert is a freshmen representative for 2021, but has come under fire for her involvement in the January 6th insurrection against the United States Capitol, for which she almost got herself killed along with just about everyone in Congress. So why is Rep Boebert under so much scrutiny right now? Well first let’s give you a bit of background:





Yes, Boebert is a gun enthusiast who was the previous owner of a gun-themed bar called Shooters, and yes this is a real thing that exists. Then January 6th happened when a group of armed insurrectionists stormed the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. How did Rep Boebert respond? By bringing a gun to the Capitol and setting off the metal detectors, prompting a $5,000 fine and some much needed explanation.





Indeed! What makes this even more troubling is that Rep. Boebert has been known to hang out with paramilitary white supremacists, including the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers, of which she recently accepted a personalized firearm from, prompting ethics complaints. Yes, Lauren’s Got A Gun all right, but here’s hoping the Q Anon gun nuts don’t fire when ready!





That’s probably how you order a drink at Shooters! But all of that said, in case you wonder how it started and how’s it going, per the favorite Twitter meme, well, it’s going about as well as you would expect, and don’t expect her to provide any meaningful legislation. Instead all Boebert is doing there is to serve as an FU to the people who go against the Trump cult.





So skirting around metal detector laws, hanging out with white supremacists, and saying “fuck you” to Biden’s agenda. That’s Colorado District 3 representative Lauren Boebert, yet another inexplicable addition to the ever-growing list of:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Jon Schaffer
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We’re delving into the world of heavy metal this week for This Fucking Guy. I am sure a lot of you know that I am a metal head. I fucking love the metal genre. But that said, every genre has their fair share of douchebags. Now this is a band that I used to *LOVE* back in the day when I first started getting into the metal genre, but had no idea about this guy’s personal life. That guy is Iced Earth guitarist Jon Schaffer. You probably heard this guy’s name pop up because he was one of the people involved in storming the Capitol and the Capitol riot. And he’s probably the most famous person there who’s not an elected official.





And by the way in case you’re wondering where the rest of Iced Earth stands on the political spectrum, well, they’re pretty much the opposite of Schaffer. In fact so much that they actually issued a statement saying that they condemned the fact that he was at the capitol. So this will be quite the interesting circular firing squad for when / if he’s ever released from prison. Which will probably not be very likely given what’s transpired.





By the way in case you’re wondering if actions have consequences, let’s take a look at what happened when Schaffer entered the Capitol. Well their record label, Century Media, which is the host to just about every amazing metal band you can think of, gave him the heave ho that he so properly deserved for that little stunt! Yup, actions have consequences all right!





Warm up act abuse! And at the rate things are going, Iced Earth will probably be downgraded to warm up acts at some point, when concerts will ever resume. But speaking of that if you want one of those how it started / how’s it going memes, this would be a perfect example of what not to do. Because John Schaffer isn’t exactly having what one would call a “stellar year” so far since his one and only tour appearance in Washington DC. We’ll keep an update on this story as it develops.
Iced Earth guitarist Jon Schaffer is reportedly set to be extradited to Washington D.C. after his alleged participation in the US Capitol riots earlier this month.

Schaffer will be extradited to the capital from Edinburgh, Indiana, where he is currently being held in Marion County Jail.

He faces a series of charges in connection with the incident and must prove to a federal magistrate that he is not a threat to himself or the public before being released on bail.

Other rioters who face similar charges have been already granted bail, but ordered to surrender their firearms, avoid contact with other alleged rioters and stay away from all state capitol buildings.

In images captured during the January 6 riot, Schaffer was seen wearing a baseball cap with the slogan ‘Oath Keepers Lifetime Member’.
https://www.nme.com/news/music/iced-earths-jon-schaffer-faces-extradition-to-washington-d-c-for-role-in-capitol-riots-2864142



That’s Iced Earth guitarist John Schaffer. This week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. And we haven’t done this segment in a while, so of course there’s going to be some ridiculously stupid people floating about out there. I want to start with this story out of Maine, where a guy with a chainsaw channeled his inner Freddie Kruger. Yeah that’s someone who you do not want to imitate in public. Nor any horror movie serial killer with a chainsaw. Look, I love Evil Dead as much as the next horror fan, but this is a whole new level of stupid and dangerous. Let the professionals like Bruce Campbell handle the chainsaw wielding fun!





Yeah Evil Dead is fiction. Next up – the Capitol Riots have produced some stunningly stupid criminals and we were going to dedicate this whole feature to them, but we might save that for another feature. But this is one of my favorites – and it involves famously hardcore right wing actor Chuck Norris. No, Chuck Norris was not at the riots. But take a selfie while you’re there with the location tracking feature turned on, and you’ll eventually get found out.





I’m sure the actual Chuck Norris would approve. Anyway next up – we go overseas to our new overlords in Russia! There are stupid people everywhere, and this tale of stupid criminals takes place in the Russian Navy, where a captain decided to take a few “souvenirs” from his submarine as it was in the process of being decommissioned. File this one under “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”.





Next up – back to the Capitol Riots, look here’s the thing guys. If you took part in the Trump uprising, maybe, I don’t know, don’t take selfies? Seriously guys these things have things like location trackers and IP tracers, if you took a selfie at the Capitol, the Feds are going to find you! Where’s J. Walter Weatherman when you need him? And that’s why you always leave a note!



?itemid=10631278

Finally this week – don’t worry, Florida! You’re not spared from this week! Of course everyone knows Florida – as Homer Simpson once called it “America’s Wang”. And really when you’re drunk – and I know I have been many times in my life, why does there need to be a last call? Why not take the whole bar with you? That’s what this one guy did in the Florida Keys!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there. We’ll be doing this segment until March 10th. But we did it everybody!!! We finally served Trump the eviction notice he so badly deserves and Joesph R. Biden has won the election to become our 46th president! Or has he? Well there’s some on the right who are denying Biden as much as they are a certain deadly disease that’s out there. But that’s not here or there. Here, we’re out to celebrate the inauguration and remind the kids that Democrats get all the cool celebrities, and if you vote conservative, you get trashy celebrities like Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. So here’s how the party went down.





Thank you Nelson! Oh man I bet that had to burn Trump. Because you know he loves him some ratings, and nobody gets bigger ratings than he does! Except of course… for Joe Biden! And you know what else is nice? Having a president who has a deep consideration for the arts because Trump doesn’t. And the arts will play a huge role in our economic recovery after this damn pandemic. But having a rainbow is nice after the dark storm that was the Trump administration!





So that said, even though it was minimalist compared to previous inaugurations, and we’re not counting the minimalist audience that was at Trump’s inauguration. Hey o!!! But still, Biden’s inauguration was definitely something and something history will remember because we’re still in a raging pandemic and everything is awkward and socially distant. But Biden delivered a great address.





You’re not going to capture their attention that way! But see if you hang with us you get to see concerts by the Foo Fighters, Lady Gaga, and Black Pumas! If you hang with conservatives you get to see Diamond and Silk, and performances by Vanilla Ice and 3 Doors Down. Maybe Ted Nugent will show up but he’ll just be standing on the side. And you know what? Enough talking about Orange Douche, we did it everybody!!!!







See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 13, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #14: Imagine If You Will... Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #14: Imagine If You Will… Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! The only progressive news show brought to you by an actual idiot. I’m just kidding, of course. We are still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back of a Burbank Comedy Club. I mean would you look at that background? It’s so blue! Of course this is the space where we were supposed to say goodbye to the Trump administration the way we’ve been dreaming of the last four years. But given the horrible atrocities and violent attempted coup that happened at the Capitol Building in DC last week, our writers simply said “fuck it” before attempting to walk off the job and smoke some badly needed weed. Shout out to People’s in Santa Ana, they’ve been keeping us from fucking losing our minds in the last 11 months! Imagine if you will, the news gets so fucking dark that we actually need as much weed as we can get during these trying times! But there is some great news - Trump got his ass impeached again! Now I kind of wish we were going through with it, oh well. Lost opportunity is lost. Anyway we badly needed some because we decided to completely scrap our planned “Goodbye To Trump” special and we may revisit it at a later date. Also, we planned to start Season 10 on 1/20, and since we still don’t know what will happen on that day, we are moving the start of our new season to 1/27. Hopefully things will have calmed down by then. And I use the word “hopefully” in the same sense that a racoon will hopefully stop digging through your garbage. This was a rock bottom point for America. I mean it can only get better, right? Well, anyway enough of the intro. We have a lot of Idiocy to get to this week. But first Stephen Colbert eviscerates Trump and the Capitol Rioters:



So where do we begin for this week’s Best Of? In the first slot this week is Idiots #8-15 where we turn back to last April, and anti-vaxxers, you think the cure is worse than the disease? Well just wait until you find out what Dr. Trump (1) has prescribed for you!. In the second slot this week, from Idiots #9-5, Trump (2) has a bizarre endorsement of the Mexican food brand Goya from the Resolute Desk and let’s just say beans are the musical fruit! Taking the #3 slot, from Idiots #8-9, Trump went to India as a guest of prime minister Narajandra Modi (3) and well that whole thing was quite the colossal shit show. In the #4 slot, from Idiots #8-13 after the pandemic has been raging, we take a look at which conservative senators (4) are profiting from it and you will rage yourself! In the fifth slot this week, from Idiots #8-14, our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, takes a look at the conspiracy theories surrounding the so-called “miracle cure”, hydroxychloroquine, and the fact that it’s been banned repeatedly by the FDA, AMA, and well, all sane people. In the #6 slot, from Idiots #9-9, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” takes a look at the scandal surrounding longtime Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr and well, talk about one being way too stupid to breathe. Taking the 7th slot this week, from Idiots #9-8, our editorial on pop culture, “Beating A Dead Horse” takes a look at why our favorite star of the Deadpool franchise, Ryan Reynolds (7) got married at one of the biggest plantations in America and how he’s now come to regret it. In the #8 slot this week, from Idiots #9-6, our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner (8) takes a look at why Q Anon fans wasted their weekends harassing furniture manufacturer Wayfair over “alleged” child sex trafficking, prompting Wayfair to give one of the craziest PR releases ever! Taking the #9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week, from Idiots #9-11 is a People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week from Idiots #9-14, we’re not at all surprised that Trump (10) walked off the second presidential debate, because we all know that everything about that guy just screams and oozes class (sarcasm). Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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From: Idiots #8-15

Mark it down: 4/23/20. That is the day that the President Of The United States, in his trying and infinite wisdom, simply stopped giving a flying fuck. See, we at the Top 10 have been tracking Trump’s exploits since he first wormed his way down that golden escalator way back in 2015, which by today’s standards, literally seems like an eternity ago. Remember civilization? I miss those times. But last week, he crossed the line and just stopped caring about us. Remember that in November, kids. Want a president who will be at your side? Vote Biden. Want a president who will bring about the apocalypse and then not give a shit about you? Then vote Trump. Because here’s what you get with a Donald J. Trump presidency as opposed to a president who actually listens to experts.





Yes, poison control is higher than number one! But really we have a president who’s a fucking sitcom character. He is the kind of character who’s the annoying neighbor who is constantly looking for his next get rich quick scheme, and then when said scheme backfires on him, he desperately wants to get a “get out of jail free” card. And that’s what this is. But like all things that happen, actions have consequences.





Yeah exactly Trump is Newman in this case! His scheme to peddle hydroxychloroquine is backfiring on him, now he’s suggesting that people simply drink bleach. And never mind that bleach packages have giant warning labels on them, and Rob Gronkowski did a commercial to remind people not to eat Tide Pods (see: Top 10 #4-2). But no, we have a president who is telling people to drink bleach.





Seriously, we went from curing polio and exploring the moon to telling people that they shouldn't drink bleach. And after realizing tha Trump is our president and he's spouting this nonsense, it occurred to me, this is why we don't get nice things. That is a huge drop off in the ever ongoing sad state of humanity in 2020. At least this has been good for some cheap laughs, and god knows we need more of that in society to get us through this thing. Even Snoop Dogg is having some laughs at Trump’s expense, and at this point, I’d much rather have Snoop in charge!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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From: [link:democraticunderground.com/100213792117 | Idiots #9-5]

Donald Trump is the Krusty The Klown of presidents. You can find him all over the TV, he once hosted a show that got progressively worse as it went on, and he’s hawked a ton of incredibly poor quality merchandise over the years, to varying degrees of success. Not to mention he lives in a giant house with his name on it, and flies around in a jet with his name on it. But the difference – Krusty isn’t the one who is the leader of the free world! And of course, Trump’s true goal is not being president of the United States, but selling out. So why should we be surprised when he hawks products while he’s sitting in the Oval Office? He’s already hawked My Pillow numerous times, but now we can add Goya Mexican Foods to the list.





Seriously, you know the series finale is coming up when the characters start hawking products on the show! Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel! Let’s have beans for every meal! That joke would have killed in front of a live audience by the way. I miss live audiences. But getting back on topic, it seems Ivanka is hawking products too, and why not? This is 2020, yo!





Ethics. Trump keeps using that word, I do not think it means what he thinks it means. So why is this so controversial? Because Trump just opened up a whole new can of worms turning the Resolute Desk into a Price Is Right game. So what’s the boycott really about? It’s not just about buying one brand of canned beans over the other, it’s about politics and privilege. Just ask real Latino folks!





Don’t buy that device, it will cause severe burns! And by the way if you pick sides in this battle, if your neighbor has a can of Goya beans in their cupboard, could be trouble. And if you side with an increasingly unpopular president, be prepared for the backlash, because it can sink your popularity faster than Superman can leap a 30 story building. Even if it sounds seemingly innocent.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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From: Idiots #8-9

Let’s take a look at the relationship between India and the United States. The two countries are undergoing a dynamic shift in culture and thanks to social media propaganda, are shifting extremely far to the right. So why does India love Trump? Well as John Oliver pointed out, Trump and India’s PM Modi have a lot in common. They’re both loved and supported by nationalist extremists and they’re both self-centered egomaniacs who spend a lot of time on social media. That said, the differences between the two are uncanny. The only difference is that Trump doesn’t exactly participate in state sanctioned murder, at least not yet. We hope it doesn’t come to that.





You first. Come on, we elected the meanest, most self-centered jackass in American history. But is it any wonder why we’re going to shit? Trump isn’t just a side effect he’s the problem. Don’t worry, we will get to what he did with the food in a minute. But Trump’s idea of diplomacy isn’t exactly bringing what one would call “peace and good will”. Instead, Trump’s level of diplomacy is chaos and destruction. Think the Gotham riot scene in the Joker movie.





Trump is the Arthur Fleck of presidents. If he actually did shoot someone on 5th Avenue, I could guarantee that he could utter the line “YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!” and it would not feel out of place! And guess what? With all that diplomacy they got very little to show for it. It was pretty much a MAGA rally in another country and it began and ended nearly the same as that rally in New Jersey a couple weeks ago did – disappointed fans and large piles of trash.






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[font size="8"]Who’s Profiting From The Pandemic???
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From: Idiots #8-13

By now everyone knows that the first case of the highly contagious and very deadly coronavirus was confirmed by the WHO on 12/31/19. And we know that in that length of time, Trump went golfing 6 times, held 3 fundraisers and also held 5 MAGA rallies. During that whole time he downplayed the true dangers of this deadly disease. And while we were being distracted, the Senate knew that it was coming, and what they did next will make your blood fucking boil. Guess what they did? They profited off the pandemic. Yes, they sold stocks that they knew were going to tank because of this thing, before the stock market went into a free fall. Hold your boos.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Normally this would be a number one entry in the Top 10 any other week but in this world that’s been upended by the virus, this gets bumped to number 4! I mean there’s no way that anyone involved in this should get a “get out of jail free” card. While we’re scrambling to find supplies, these monsters profited. And they should not be allowed to get away with it!





You got that right sir! This is unquestionably what one might call a “dick move”. And it’s such a dick move that they knew this was coming and rather than sound they alarm, they opened up their wallets because, why not? This is America!! This is huge, and this is certainly one of the most evil, egregious acts that has ever happened. Crap, they put Martha Stewart away for less than this! Just how bad is this whole thing? Well it gets worse!





I wouldn’t go that far, but considering over twice as many people have died from this wretched virus as have died in 9/11, it’s not that far of a stretch. So we know that four senators have made untold money on this deadly pandemic. Not only did they dump retail stocks, it gets worse! They also dumped travel stocks because they knew a travel ban is coming. These are people who are going to have to answer for their crimes.







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: DIY Hydroxychloroquine
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From: Idiots #8-14

Now entering the spin zone! And it lands on… wait for it… ah hey it’s time for a clip without context!



In that case then call me Satan! Because I want the damn vaccine, damn it! Spin it again! Hey it’s time for Top 10 Investigates! It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



With the coronavirus upending our society and way of life as we currently know it, the idea of self-medication becomes ever more prevalent as doctors and hospitals are being repurposed to deal with this evolving and unprecedented crisis. One such medication being touted by President Trump is an old malaria drug called hydroxychloroquine and also the regular chloroquine. But the hype of this drug from the right wing media is illustrating why we need doctors to guide us through this pandemic and why we shouldn’t listen to hype men and product pitchmen. Because this is serious and taken in the wrong capacity, the cure really is worse than the disease.





So when people are getting desperate to find a cure and get back to the way things were before the virus you’re going to get desperate. And that’s what is happening right now. Yes, there might have been a few successes with hydroxychloroquine, but there’s been more failures and the drug has yet to be proven to work long term. Which is why even Trump himself has turned down the rhetoric.





Yeah you probably should there, doctor. In fact the idea of hyrdroxychloroquine has become big business, even if it is a lot of false hope. And false hope is not something we need right now. But what will make this worse is that repurposing this drug takes away from people who actually need it, like lupus patients for instance. Yes, they need this drug, and thanks to Trump, they cant find it.





In this case you probably should. Because this fight is going to get very ugly very quickly and this is a can of worms being opened up that you definitely shouldn’t open up. Let’s take it from someone who’s actually had the virus and actually used the drug to combat the virus. And their experiences were shall we say, less than ideal.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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From: Idiots #9-9

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know it’s not my style to engage in a bit of schadenfreude because that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want. But when it involves an institution that is widely known for spreading HERESY and worshipping the unholy, ungodly dark one, whose name shall not be mentioned in my church – real or virtual, then exceptions must be made! But here’s the thing my fair flock, that still come to us week after week to put up with my nonsense, Liberty University was a well oiled machine that actually had some credibility. Then their founder died and made the asshole son president, who worships the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be mentioned in my church! That’s when things started to go predictably south.





Of course! You cannot support the unholy Dark One because everything he touches turns to absolute shit! Remember, we are allowed to swear in my church! Remember that movie from a few years ago called Horrible Bosses? Jerry Falwell Jr is the dim son who takes over the family business and doesn’t have a clue how to run it. Which is probably how he lost control of the message so easily!





So Liberty University has gone over the edge. Guess you can say that we tried to warn them because that’s what you get when you trust the unholy Dark One. Everything he touches dies! Instead, you must trust the good LAWRD JAYSUS! Of course you can see why Liberty is currently in shambles and one incident must be what pushed them over the edge! You can’t trust how things are going right now.





Except when there is judgement of course, and I speak of that in the Good Book, which you can now buy online for the low low price of $19.99! But yeah this is the incident I am referring to that got Mr. Falwell ousted from his own school. Really don’t do this people, and especially don’t be partying on a boat during a pandemic. But once again everything the Dark One touches dies!





So we must not celebrate or pity Rev Falwell, rather, just heed this warning as a caution of things not to do in dire times! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Ryan Reynolds Wedding
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From: Idiots #9-8



Let’s talk about weddings. Everyone has their vision of the perfect marriage ceremony. Beautiful backdrops, everyone’s friends and family there, ravishing looking wedding parties, free flowing booze, and an overall good time. But could you regret where you have said wedding? Well, lately with racism being erased all over the world after the death of George Floyd, it’s hit the glorious star of everyone’s favorite wise-cracking, foul-mouthed, murderous superhero Deadpool, the great Ryan Reynolds, pretty hard. See, he and his wife Blake Lively got married at one of America’s oldest plantations. Which sounds pretty innocent until you start digging deeper and find out the true history of where he got married.





That’s like what? 16 walls? Yes, that probably was a bad idea to begin with. And this might be a good topic to explore in the future but who knew that weddings could be racist? I mean aside from when your creepy drunk uncle gets up during the toasts and makes uncomfortable remarks about white supremacist content he found on Facebook – and hey we’ve all been there, right? So why is this not OK to do something like this?





No wonder Southern people are always clamoring for “heritage” – they want that sweet, sweet Antebellum lifestyle! Which really if you think about it, is really just a trashy version of the rich life from Pride & Prejudice. Mr. Reynolds would say that this is a mistake. But that said, I am sure that Deadpool would be mocking you before slicing and dicing you after saying that. I’m just saying.








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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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From: Idiots #9-6



Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! It’s Conspiracy Corner! Oh hello, I am broadcasting the inner most thoughts from deep inside my brain from an underground bunker in the vast cornfields of the rural Iowa farmlands! Of course it’s an undisclosed location! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government blockage. They are trying to read my thoughts and your thoughts after all. So this week, an extra dose of crazy happened as Trump’s favorite cult Q Anon attempted to dig up some dirt on furniture purveyor Wayfair, and not only did it backfire on them spectacularly, they have lost one of their biggest social media hangouts where they can wreak their brand of conspiracy theory havoc!





Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Put a warning label on that one! But seriously, Q Anon has gone full batshit, and in a world where we currently don’t have anything to do, can we at least get something to do for the Q Anon nuts? Because they clearly need a hobby, and this one ain’t it. So who started this insane conspiracy theory? And why are they so convinced? Yeah right now we’re trying to survive a horrible pandemic and retailers might be going a little overboard with price gouging, but not this.





Well I guess that’s one way to go furniture shopping right now! But yeah sure, buy a $17,000 desk and it contains a… child? How did that one get past the loading docks? Really, these people are fucking batshit crazy, and they really need to find a hobby. But you know what is not to be done? Don’t overload the national child sex trafficking hotline with bullshit conspiracy theories, OK? This is a fake crisis, don’t make it a real one!





Yes, we get it, this is one of the worst crimes imaginable. But why the fuck are you so obsessed with it right now? I get that we don’t have anything to do. Really, don’t waste Wayfair’s time, and don’t waste the time of actual officials who are trying to find real sex traffickers. And by the way this can have some real world consequences for you if you get caught trying to do this. So really, shut the fuck up and keep the batshit insanity to yourself.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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From: Idiots #9-11

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. While we were off for the Labor Day holiday, stupid obviously never takes a holiday! So who is dumb this week? Well first, Dr. Phil is dumb. Yes, the fake TV psychiatrist that Oprah unwittingly leashed upon the masses continues to prove why he should not be practicing any medicine. Hell, he doesn’t understand the unwritten rules of social media! And one of those rules is that you don’t tell people what to do! No! if you tell someone to do something, they’re only going to want to do more of this. Especially when we’re in a pandemic and everyone is bored out of their skulls!





Damn right!! You don’t tell the internet what to do, Dr. Phil! No, no, no, no, no, no. Next up – let’s go across the pond to France! As we have proven on this program time and time again, there’s stupid people no matter what country you go to. But in this particular case, we all get annoyed with bugs and insects. But this might not be the best way to go about doing things. In fact, you could put a “DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME” warning on this next story.





Yeah something like that. Next up – you know much of the country is experiencing devastating wildfires, and I swear that it’s Mother Nature’s way of saying she’s bound and determined to get rid of us once and for all. And you can spout your conspiracy theories, believe me. But one thing you should never ever do? How about don’t set off fucking explosives in a dry climate on the hottest day of the year? What could go wrong?





Yeah seriously don’t do anything that dumb. There are limits people! Next up – the state of Florida always brings the crazy! We make fun of America’s most penis-shaped state but it does have some of the craziest people alive! For instance this particular story out of Port St. Lucie, Florida. Now I love me some bacon, but don’t get your bacon and your cocaine mixed up, that’s mistake number one. Mistake number two? Don’t keep either one in the backseat of your car for an extended period of time.





Of course! Finally this week, we go to that most senior of all Florida cities, The Villages! And yes many times during the course of this horrible administration I’ve been there, and we have all been there. But if Trump drives you to drink, maybe don’t tell this as your excuse to the cops. Me personally? I’m going to go have a few cold ones after this because well, Trump and the COVID pandemic are really driving me to drink.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Trump Bails On Debate
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From: Idiots #9-14



Welcome back to…. Cue reverb… ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!! Oh man that was some good reverb there. Last week, which seems like an eternity ago this year, we covered the first presidential debates and of course the term “shit show” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Of course we are in a raging pandemic and all rules about the way society is supposed to function are thrown out the window, and we are in an election year at that! But then again Trump is still our president, and he refuses to abide by the rules. So put those two things together and the question is asked – is there a possibility there will even be a second debate? To which I answer: “are you fucking kidding me?”.





So rather than play by the rules and hold a virtual rally, Trump instead is going out on his own and holding super spreader events! So what happens if Trump decides to again bail on the second debate – it’s widely known that he’s infected with COVID and continues to infect everyone in his path, so the idea of holding an in-person debate is out of the question. But there’s no mistaking that Trump is an abusive, obnoxious jerk and would love to give Biden the virus if he could!





That is true and Trump is quite the evil fucker. In fact not only does he have COVID, he’s flying out to Florida (obviously) to do another in-person campaign event. And of course his supporters don’t give a flying fuck about COVID or their own health. Dear Leader is speaking and they will avoid Satan himself to go see him! But here’s where it gets creepy and weird.





Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! Wait a minute… EW. Why the flying fuck does he always make every thing so creepy and weird? Because he is a creepy weirdo and it’s just totally disgusting. OK now that I have got that off my chest, you know what the GOP really thinks of us and Joe Biden? Well let’s just say that they’ve gone full asshole and now all rules are off the table.





[font size="8"]And Now This:

Folks last week we lost one of the greats of all time – Eddie Van Halen. And I know that live music is off the table right now so I am paying tribute to him through live music. Really anyone who knows the Sunset Strip scene has a Van Halen story or two. Me I’ve always liked his song “Right Now” from his 1991 album “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” and it’s a protest song even though it at one point was used for a Pepsi product that no longer exists. So here it is – Van Halen performing “Right Now”.



Folks, before we get out of here, a programming note. Next week is our last new regular Top 10 before the election. 10/28 will be a Viewer’s Choice All Time Best Of (with maybe a new entry or two), and 11/4 will go dark. Maybe we will do a Top 10 Mini depending on how I feel or how things are going. We will be back in full on 11/11 once the dust has been settled – and hopefully in a much better mood than we have been the last 4 years! Next week, we will have our final thoughts going into the election in “Road To The White House”.

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

December 2, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-18: The Shart Of The Deal Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-18: The Shart Of The Deal Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? I know, this has been quite a week, hasn’t it? Holy shit we are actually in December! The year from hell that is 2020 is nearly over everybody!!! We made it!!! There are just two Top 10s remaining for the end of the year – one of course being next week, and the other being our 2020 Year In Review edition on 12/16. Yay, the shittiest year ever is almost over! Do we have time for the thing? Sure! OK I will say one thing. I am a dog person, I have dogs, I love my dogs, I love all the dogs I’ve ever had. Having my dog has definitely kept me from losing my mind the last few months. But I’ve never really been on board with the concept of “pet parenting”. I will take my dogs on walks, but I won’t spend $250 on a stroller for them, and I don’t care that it has a curtain either. I’ll feed them dog food but I’m not spending $50 for “gourmet” pet food that looks like it has better ingredients than what I got at the McDonalds drive thru. No, seriously, my dog should not be eating better food than what I am eating. But that said, do we really need Christmas music for dogs? Can dogs really hear music nor do they care what is being sung? Well there’s a song called “Raise The Woof” that is quite literally insane. But at least all the proceeds go to charity so it’s all good… right? Right? OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first in his season finale, Bill Maher compares Trump to the leader of the NXIVM cult:



Man I look forward to the day when this asshole is no longer the number one! In the number one slot this week is of course, Twitter’s own @realDonaldTrump (1). Because he threw quite the tantrum last week giving a press conference from what looked like a desk that came from Baby’s First Presidenting Kit. It was quite insane. In the second slot is someone who we haven’t talked much about on the show, and that’s our First Lady, Melania Trump (2)! Did she tell a group of supporters that Christmas, as a holiday should fuck off? We will get to the bottom of this mystery, and we presume the answer is already yes. Taking the third slot this week is the Trump offspring of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump (3) and someone give me the world’s tiniest violin because they are looking for life after the White House, and it seems that no one in New York wants to hang around them! In the #4 slot this week is a new edition of We’re All Gonna Die (4) and we finally have a president who is going to address climate change, but is it too little too late? Well maybe yes and maybe no. In the #5 slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and sadly COVID-19 is still a thing. But vaccines are almost here, and the FDA will be approving shortly, but is your state ready? We will find out what it will take! And speaking of COVID, in the #6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is dumbfounded, but not surprised, by the SCOTUS ruling that is reversing the bans passed on the number of people allowed at religious gatherings right now. It’s insane. In the number 7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse. Yeah we all know about the Grammys and every year you always talk about how much you hate their choices, and man you really hate them! Music is subjective, folks! In the #8 slot this week, we have a new People Who Somehow Got Elected, and this week we’re adding Wyoming governor Mark Gordon (8) (no relation to the Phish guitarist) to the ever-growing list! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new “I Need A Drink” and we’re going to have some drinks and talk about the bizarre monolith that appeared and then disappeared in the Utah desert. Is it Planet Of The Apes or is God just fucking with us? Either way we will drink! Finally in “Road To The White House” – Biden’s inauguration is being planned but whiny crybaby Trump is planning his own rally! Yeah seriously screw that guy! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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I know what you’re thinking. You probably saw that Trump press conference on Saturday and thought “Gee, that sure is a very tiny desk he’s sitting at”, to which I would reply – of course it is! And you’re not wrong either! You might also be thinking “This is the worst NPR tiny desk concert ever!” and to that I reply – yes you are correct! Because Trump gave a tiny desk MAGA concert this week, and it literally wasn’t supposed to be at an actual tiny desk! By the way the memes and Photoshops that came out of this were absolutely hysterical. But let’s get to the actual tiny desk concert at hand. It seems that it was one of his more unusual and completely deranged and off the rails MAGA rallies in the entire history that he’s been doing this!





Yeah seriously where’s Nelson when you need him? And by the way if you want a bit of White House trivia – that desk that the president sits at? It was made from timbers taken from a Royal Navy ship and represents pure power. That desk that Trump was sitting at on Saturday? It’s a tray meant so the president can watch TV and eat TV dinners off of. Yes that’s right – this just gets better and better and better. Really you can’t get to be much more of a loser than this.

Has Donald Trump conceded the presidency by design? Is his choice of furniture betraying a subconscious admission of defeat? When the outgoing US president gave a speech this week saying he would depart if the electoral college voted for Joe Biden, his words came as less of a shock than the desk he chose to sit at. It was tiny. It sent out a clear signal. And that signal was “loser”.

Jokes about the shrunken size of Trump’s desk – one photograph, taken from low down, captures his legs barely fitting beneath it – are easy. So let’s not. You want to see a real ruler’s desk? The Resolute desk in the Oval Office is the definition of one: a massive fortress of a working space, like an aircraft carrier with legs, sporting the US eagle at the heart of its heavy Victorian carvings. Its timbers are British in origin: they come from a Royal Navy sailing ship, HMS Resolute, that once braved the icy waters of the north pole. And in a final addition of defensive machismo, Franklin D Roosevelt had the front bulwarked so no one could see his leg braces and discover he was disabled.

Trump’s appearance behind this itsy-bitsy piece of flotsam shows why Roosevelt and other presidents have always chosen to moor themselves behind the grandiose Resolute. It bulks them out. What Trump was leaning on was not even a desk. It was merely a table. It fails all the design criteria required of a desk. It isn’t even an escritoire, which may be cosy but at least has important-looking drawers. Nor could it qualify as a secretaire. In fact, there’s no storage at all. Has he already cleared everything out?
https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2020/nov/27/trumps-furniture-fail-desk-donald-table-tv-dinners



And even better was as I said before the memes and Photoshops that came out of this press conference were some of the best and most entertaining things Twitter has produced in a while. Trump loves him a good deal, but this case, would it be the Shart Of The Deal? He’s hopping mad over this incident and hell he’s even threatening to go nuclear on Twitter. And one thing I think it’s all safe to say that we don’t want to see naked pictures of him to prove that he doesn’t wear them!





No don’t give him any more ideas! He’s already produced plenty of bad ones! And by the way would anyone be surprised at all that this was all revenge for Trump’s repeated bashing of CNN? Yeah you can only bully a person for so long before they start fighting back. And where’s Melania? How come we can’t use this for Be Best? Oh wait that program was a total failure too.






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[font size="8"]Melania Trump
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OK it’s December. Finally! The year from hell is almost over!!! But before we get out of this nightmare of a year that is 2020, let’s first ask ourselves this question – “What absolutely batshit scheme did Melania decorate the White House for this Christmas?”. Now it’s no secret that the Trumps have absolutely no taste in interior decorating. We saw that at their gaudy apartment complex in New York City. In the past, Melania’s Christmas decorations have resembled murder scenes and winter-related horror movies. So what path did they choose this year? Well this year’s path is a combination of all of the above and it still resembles something of a nightmare scene. No you’re not dreaming these images, they really did happen, and well, they really need to hire new interior decorators.





I could totally see this being handed out as White House Christmas gifts! But I love how the New York Times referred to the decorations as “fine”. Just fine? At least they’re a step up from looking like a dream sequence in a murder mystery. But since this is our last Christmas with the Trumps – and it cannot come too soon, let’s take a look back at Melania’s delightfully horrifying taste in interior decorating, shall we?





Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m dreaming of a murrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrder Christmas… just like the ones I used to know… OK that doesn’t have the same ring to it, and I should probably never attempt to sing that song again. Now here’s where it gets weird. You know how politicians say things that they don’t really mean sometimes and then that thing they said could absolutely end their career before it starts? Well Melania said one of those things.





Yeah don’t let that guy anywhere near Santa. But holy shit, that happened! If that had happened at any time during the 2016 campaign they would have been flushed down the toilet like the proverbial turds that they are. But Trump and Melania are made for each other. And if there’s one thing we don’t need any more proof of, it’s anything involving Trump and leaks. I’m done with that.






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[font size="8"]Jared Kushner And Ivanka Trump
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You know we don’t really discuss much of the Trump offspring. We all know that Eric and Trump Jr are losers. But what about Ivanka and Jared? Yes, Jared, the quietest and creepiest of the Trump bunch who we all suspect has a side hustle as a serial killer, are trying to figure out what to do once they leave Washington, DC. And there isn’t a violin small enough to be able to accurately portray how little we care about their attempts to integrate into society are after they leave the White House. And they can’t leave the White House soon enough as far as we are concerned. Either they can go run roach motels in Baltimore or they can go join Trump in Mar-A-Shithole and stay there. I’m personally for building a wall around Mar-A-Shithole. But what awaits them?





Yes… womp womp! Or maybe they should heed the advice from Melania’s jacket: “I really don’t care, do U?”. But there isn’t a violin small enough for this one. This is equal parts Arrested Development and Schitts Creek, and maybe Dallas thrown in for good measure. But here’s the thing – does high society really care? Will they welcome them back like nothing is wrong? Well they won’t return to normal and act like nothing happened, that’s for sure!





Yes but if anyone deserves to be shunned from society – whether high class or not, it’s them. Although no one really deserves it. Cue the disclaimer. But I mean come on, if Ivanka Trump opened a gallery, would you go? No! Only the MAGAs would go, and knowing how Trumps spend their money, it’s pretty apparent that there’s a sucker born every minute.







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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die! Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Wooooooooo!!! Woooo. woo. That works much better in front of an audience! But besides being in a raging pandemic that doesn’t look to be dying down anytime soon, we’ve got a far more dire situation on our hands – and one that is being denied by about half of America. Again, not talking about the virus. I’m talking about climate change. And if we don’t change our habits soon, some serious shit is going to hit the fan, both literally and figuratively! In fact this alarming little number was just published in Europe last week, and right now I can hear Trumpers going “Europe? Fuck that!”. Well don’t worry guys, this will affect you too!





Yeah sure we can read all the Al Gore books that we want, but the fact is that if we don’t change some of our habits soon, a whole hell of a lot of people are going to die for the earth to correct itself. And there ain’t no vaccine that will solve that problem! Now if leaves falling off trees doesn’t scare you, here’s another potential unwanted parasite that could jump to humans! And no, again, I am not talking about COVID! I’m talking about blood sucking ticks!





Actually this one there is a chance that we could all die from this! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! And if blood sucking parasites don’t scare you, how about the one area where it could actually hurt conservatives – their pocketbooks? That get your attention? I thought so! Since wealthy conservatives think of human life as expendable, maybe when it hits their pocketbooks, they might finally pay attention. And no, there’s no spaceship they can escape to like in Elysium. This is real!





Not only that, we might all also be going broke too! Because I mean think about it – we need trees to print money, no trees means no money! Which means no money being spent, which means interest rates go down and the economy crashes! Ahhhhh!!! OK enough fearmongering. At least it’s not all doom and gloom. Maybe we can just drop a giant ice cube in the ocean. That might work for a little while at least.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Vaccine Preparedness
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Everyone wants to know when the COVID vaccine is going to be here so that we can take steps to end the COVID-19 pandemic that’s thrown the entire world into a tailspin. But now there are four vaccines all vying for competition to be distributed among the world’s population. From the United States, the Pfizer – BioNTech vaccine is ready, as is the Moderna vaccine. From Europe the much convoluted AstraZenaca – Oxford University vaccine, and from Asia, the vaccine developed by China’s Sinopharm is also showing promise. But which of these hopes to be the winner? There’s plenty to discuss and plenty that’s awaiting approval. And what do actual health experts think of this? Well let’s find out!





So while you’re waiting to return to your pre-pandemic life, keep in mind that things won’t be so easy at first that it will be a gradual transition. In fact one of the hardest hit states in the entire country – the state of Washington, is stating that. The very limited first batch means that it will go to only the most qualified candidates – meaning doctors, nurses, front line workers, the elderly, and those with severe immune deficiencies.





No the vaccines won’t be distributed that way. Now what about the anti-vaccination crowd? How will they affect the deployment of a vaccine? Back in the early days of the pandemic many said their willingness to take the vaccine was affected by who would win the election. Now that we know it’s Joe Biden, that opinions might change differently. But that said there’s no reason why they wouldn’t.





Yes, we will need the drugs to be able to survive. Now what about competition among the COVID-19 vaccine distributors? There’s plenty of discussion to be had there as well. China is hoping to restore some dignity and honor to its’ country because they want to play a role in the distribution of the vaccine after many point to their country being the origin of the virus that has shut down the entire world due to the pandemic. But can they? Only time will tell.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! We live in a time of unprecedented danger at every corner you turn, and it’s about to get even worse! And we can thank the Supreme Court of the United States for what’s about to happen in the next few weeks! Now I know I am shouting but this is being broadcast on a video chat and we can’t hold our in person sermons for a while. But in case you are wondering why we can’t hold sermons in person, things are about to get a whole lot more interesting. Because the Supreme Court, as it has been called, is the supreme law of the land. But what they did during this nightmare pandemic world that we live in that’s controlled by the virus is quite frankly, inexcusable. But then again we can blame this all on our new justice now.





Of course it’s a political statement! The supreme law of the land is now being judged by the supporters of the unholy, ungodly dark one – a man so repulsive his name shall not be uttered in my church even if it is online! But now to make things even worse, it’s being determined by every state going before this abomination of a court to determine what states can have large gatherings. Yes they are forcing New York to do so, but Louisiana? They don’t want any part of this!





And sadly that’s kind of where this is headed. So New York, OK, and Louisiana – don’t want to touch this with a 10 foot pole! But now our church’s home state of California is even being forced to grovel before the court because they want to keep the bans on large gatherings! Sigh… we’re in for a long haul here, my fair worshippers! Because that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, is it?





And yes my friends, the devil is the church!!!! Because while the governor of my great state intends to impose even stricter virus orders, the churches plan to defy them! When COVID hits your community, and trust me, it will, blame your local megachurch pastor! For these people only care about one god and that’s the almighty dollar! Sigh, well you’d better get used to the virtual world because we’re not going to see the real one for a while. And that’s something that JAYSUS is shaking his head at!




Sigh… fuck it, I’m done. You just can’t reason with these morons. Tune in next week when we hope to bring back the full Holy Shit show you know and love, since we apparently can get away with that sort of thing now! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Grammy Snubs 2020
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Look, I get it. This is 2020 and we don’t have much to look forward to right now. Even 2021 award shows like the Oscars are still up in the air right now but don’t worry, we’ll get back on track. So that said, we get it. You hate the Grammy Awards. And we get that everyone’s taste in music is subjective. That’s why there’s so many different genres and styles of music. You may love techno beats to a reggaeton horn, while your neighbor loves ambient Christian rock. I’m just pulling buzzwords out of my hat. So why do people hate the Grammy Awards so much? Well there’s way too many reasons to list, and we’ll save those for another show. But this year what’s going on?





Wait a minute, didn’t Homer already win a Grammy? And I can see all the white male sociopaths gnashing their teeth right now at the diversity in the awards this year. But then again they think of diversity about the same as Ron Burgundy does in the movie Anchorman. So how about this why don’t we ask someone who has actually been nominated for a Grammy how we should feel? I know! How about friend of the show Halsey?





Come on, they gave a Grammy to Homer Simpson, for crying out loud! So legitimate artists who have made great albums this year like Halsey and the Weeknd get snubbed and people who we’ve never heard of are the ones who get the most nominations? Come on! And by the way do we really care what Pop Smoke’s manager thinks? Do the Grammys really have a “far left bias”? Shut up!





What he said! But here’s the thing – you can speculate, hate, and demean the Grammy Awards until the cows come home. But seriously I know this is 2020 and everyone has way too much time on their hands, but let’s just stop hounding the Grammy awards, OK? Yeah I get that your favorite artist didn’t get nominated but still… can we just take a deep breath and pull our heads out of our asses for just one single minute? No?








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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Mark Gordon
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Politicians at the state, national and local levels who are so toxic that you ever wonder how they were able to get into office, much less stay there. This is:



This week – Wyoming governor Mark Gordon. How did this guy get elected? While the entire world is coming to grips with the raging super virus known as COVID-19, the governor of Wyoming is taking a decidedly lax approach to it. And when the collective counties in the state of Wyoming are urging the governor to take drastic measures to help combat COVID, he instead takes the opposite approach of broaching the subject. Because he’s a die hard Trump supporter, and most Trump supporters still don’t believe that COVID-19 is real, despite the fact that the virus is literally everywhere, the US did a piss poor job of containing it, and people are dying because of it.





That probably is the safest way to protect yourself from COVID right now. One way to not get COVID is to live in a state run by people like Mark Gordon. So keep denying that the virus exists, COVID-truthers because in the end you will be the ones who will get it. Because he is currently digging his own political grave here. And he may be also be digging his own grave since he got COVID. As the old elementary school saying goes – “he who denied it supplied it”.





No that won’t fight the virus either. But only after he had it do we have a change of heart now. But this is what happens when you go against the WHO guidelines – you will get the virus. It is almost like it has a habit of targeting stupidity. So why go all out now with more restrictions? Because it’s what will stop the virus, though it may be too late for that.





3 Stooges Syndrome isn’t really a thing though. And in non COVID related news, Mark Gordon was looking to slash $500 million from the state budget. That’s right - $500 mllion. Especially in a time when Americans need it the most. So think about that the next time you cast a vote for a guy like Wyoming governor Mark Gordon. It’s the red states that are being hurt the most in this pandemic, and this looks like it will hurt them even further.





Good luck with economic recovery in 2021, Wyoming! That’s your governor Mark Gordon, yet another inexplicable politician in the long list of:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks and we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because I don’t know about you, but quite frankly I’m getting really sick of all the negative politics all the time. This week we’re going to talk about something insane happening in the Utah desert. The bad thing is we’re still in a pandemic, so my drinks have to be served via robot. So tell me, oh virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about a disappearing monolith? The Monolith cocktail? What’s in it? Just a really tall glass with a bunch of vodka and lime juice? I’ll take two! For a brief moment we forgot about the pandemic and the president trying to steal an election when it was announced that surveyors found a strange monolith in the Utah desert and people were speculating what movie it’s from. My money is on 2001.





Yes this is every bit as much 2001 as it is Planet Of The Apes. Now here’s the weird part – it has completely disappeared. That’s right. Just as fast as it was found, it’s gone. Now some people have said that it was found in upstate New York and there’s claims that it’s as far away as Romania. But where the hell is it? Nobody knows for sure. Of course we’re still in a pandemic so nobody can do any actual exploring to find this thing, we’re just guessing from the couch!





It was removed? Wait a minute – things don’t just appear and then disappear! This isn’t the claims of voter fraud that Trump is pulling out of his ass! Now here’s where it gets weird. And you knew that it was going to. Because while the one in Utah disappeared, another one popped up half way around the world in Romania. That’s right – you read that correctly!





Ah, that’s the stuff! So while we’re waiting to see where this mysterious structure will land next, one thing is clear – god is definitely fucking with us. Although it could be aliens. Yeah I’m now drunk so let’s go with aliens! But if there’s anything that could break through the nightmare pandemic world of 2020, maybe it’s a mysterious monolith in the desert! Nevertheless, we will bring you updates here as this thing keeps popping up all over the world!






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!!! Oh that was some good reverb there. It’s been a month since the 2020 election. Wait what? It’s been a month? And the election is still not over? What the fuck is going on here – I mean seriously? Well it’s no secret that soon to be former president @realDonaldTrump isn’t going down without a fight. And I mean come on really fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 38 times, you must be Trump. But that said, this is what we are not here to talk about this week. This week, we are here to discuss what Joe’s inauguration plans are going to be, and no interference from that meddling Trump! No, we won’t have any of that!





Yes so… excuse me a minute… OK so Joe is going through with planning his inauguration, despite that there’s one person objecting. And how badly is he objecting? He’s objecting to the point where he’s starting his own event adjacent to Biden’s inauguration. It reminds me of that scene from Futurama when Bender is going to start his own theme park with blackjack and hookers. On second thought forget about the inauguration!





Yeah that pretty much is Trump. I mean we already covered about how he wears diapers – allegedly – in this edition! And I mean come on, how much attention does Trump need? He’s like the toddler you see in the aisles of Target screaming because his parents won’t buy him a cheap toy to satisfy his need to have things. And yes I’ve seen a few of those. I mean if Trump wears diapers, no wonder he acts like a gigantic baby all the time!





Yeah Trump is pretty much Stewie in this case. No one loves him anymore, and 6 million and counting are still voting for Biden over him. The 2021 inauguration is going to be the first major event in 20201, and since we’re still in a major pandemic, it’s going to get real weird real fast. Especially since Trump isn’t going to go quietly, and god help us if these two groups intermingle. Because we’ve seen this story before and it never ends well.







See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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