October 21, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-15: Wouldn't It Be Nice Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-15: Wouldn’t It Be Nice Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? This is our last Top 10 before the regular election. Now you might be wondering – why is this? And I answer you, sir or madam, is that this is the most important election of our lifetime and we can’t afford any screwups. I will be taking two weeks off because you don’t need my commentary or tomfoolery. I mean I appreciate you viewing our little program here, but you can definitely do without me until the election. What? Just my commentary and a few mildly amusing jokes interspliced with some Simpons GIFs? Yeah no I am not needed this week or next. Because we have 14 fucking days until the end of this thing and we’ve covered the entirety of the Donald J. Trump administration over 4 years and 216 editions, that’s 2,160 entries. And I know y’all haven’t seen a lot of these, so if you’re looking for some fresh content, just go check out one of the older editions and pretend it’s a new one. I’m just going to sit here and browse Simpsons related Twitter feeds on my phone. Hey, I voted. It’s time for everyone else to do the same! So go, go on, vote. We will come back once the dust has settled on 11/11. Once we hand Trump the eviction notice he so badly deserves, we can get back to having life again. OK that’s enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Jon Oliver is back and he delves into why the World Health Organization is important and why the US is making a mistake not to participate:



So where do we begin for our final Top 10 before the 2020 election to end all elections? The top slot this week is going to go to of course the guy who we currently and inexplicably still call president, Donald J. Trump (1). Yeah so he enlisted the reigning kings of fake news, the New York Post, in an attempt to smear Hunter Biden, and it backfired on him to the point where he and his supporters got kicked off of social media outlets! So much for the “October Surprise”. In the second slot this week, is also Donald J. Trump (2) and despite that there’s still a raging pandemic, he isn’t stopping his super-spreader rallies, and his one in Iowa last week was particularly insane. In the number 3 slot this week is California Republicans (3) – they have had quite the banner week whether it was Gavin Newsom fighting with Trump or some light election fraud, we’ve got everything boiled down to a single entry! In the fourth slot this week is Conservative Rappers (4). Yes, this is a thing and it’s not just limited to Kanye, everyone from 50 Cent to Ice Cube is weighing in their opinions on the election! In the number 5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, and this week we’re going to take a look at COVID cures – the WHO found 4 to be completely bogus, and one is Trump’s favorite drug of choice, hydroxycholorquine! I’m shocked, shocked I tell you! Taking the 6th slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week the Vatican has been putting priests on trial! Our resident pastor is going to dial up his Pope Hotline to find out what’s up! Taking the 7th slot this week is a new This Fucking Guy (7) and while Trump has been harping on Hunter Biden, we profile his idiot sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr! In the 8th slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and the right still will not shut up about Benghazi and I’m not going to point fingers, but it goes all the way to the president! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new I Need A Drink and this week we’re going to get drunk and finally talk about politics, because Ice Cube has been pegged as a Trump supporter and it’s causing the internet to lose their minds! But whose side is he really on? Finally this week in Road To The White House (10), it’s our last one before the election and we’re going to have our final thoughts on what has been a certainly insane primary that got hijacked by COVID-19. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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OK so you know how every single election going back to 1960 there’s always some sort of gigantic breaking news story like two weeks before the election that seems to favor one candidate over another that puts themselves in a position to win it all? Well it happened back in 2016 when the Comey Hillary e-mail story first broke. Trump got a taste of the high life in 2016 when he first won. This time, 4 years later, he’s again try to find the proverbial “October Surprise”. Only this time he’s completely full of shit and we know that he’s completely full of shit. Trump is attempting to lay the smackdown on Hunter Biden using his fixer and it’s backfiring on him big time.





That is a good question – why? Well Trump is a mob boss and he’s using his fixer to fix the election by trying to make Hunter Biden look like the most corrupt POS on the face of the planet. But he’s really not, and neither is his father. That’s the thing – Trump is trying to throw shade where there isn’t, and people are finally starting to see through his lies and red tape, and are finally getting bored of the MAGA movement in general. But what about Trump’s own kids – mainly his daughter Ivanka and her equally shady husband Jared?





Um… just a little? This is a whole lot of shade. It’s a boat load of shade. And once again like literally all things with Trump, it all comes back to Russia. That’s right – the Russkies might be involved in influencing Trump’s Hunter Biden smear. I mean isn’t it obvious by now? If you hang with Trump you’re going to get a virus, and the Russians might be involved somehow. But really it’s seriously weird how everything with Trump almost always comes back to Russia.





And speaking of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, the GOP’s equivalent of Kevin Bacon, Rudy Guilaini, somehow has his creepy claws in this story and well this is where it gets weird. And once again he tends to fuck everything up that he touches. And if the mob – Trump and Guiliani are involved – that’s when things start to go fuck up. Just remember kids – if Rudy comes out and sees his shadow, that means 8 more months of nuclear winter!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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We are literally two weeks away from the election where we will hopefully send our current and inexplicable president Donald Trump and the Christian right the eviction notice that they wholeheartedly deserve. And he’s losing it big time. I wanted to talk about his Iowa rally but then he had to come to my home turf of Orange County and throw quite the shit show of one of last and final stops on the World COVID Deplorable Tour 2020. The venue? Newport Beach and the support? None other than the legendary group the Beach Boys. And that’s mainly what I wanted to talk about for this entry – the feud between the Beach Boys is still going strong 60 years later!





Yes, wouldn’t it be nice? I mean even two of the original Beach Boys – that’s Brian Wilson and Al Jardine – have condemned this idiotic fundraiser appearance. And we’re still in the middle of the COVID pandemic so that makes having concerts even worse! So yes the third remaining original member of the legendary group – Mike Love – is a MAGA! So the Beach Boys were already apart as a band, Mike Love being a MAGA is making it even worse!





That was the Beach Boys way back when! I can hear grandparents back then complaining about music then, and our grandparents complain about music now, and soon when we’re grandparents, we’ll be complaining about our grandkids’ music! See how that cycle works? And speaking of grandpa complaining about music, actual musicians are weighing in on this controversy, like David Crosby, for instance!





Wrong band, man! Oh and you know how when a musician starts talking about their political opinions and then a million people jump on them and yell “STAY IN YOUR LANE!!!”. Well our good friend Jason Isbell, of his band Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit, has a solution for that. And that is basically to shut the fuck up! And we support this opinion whole-heartedly! Just shut up and sing and pay the troll toll!






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[font size="8"]California Republicans
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Sigh… this is why we don’t get nice things. As you know the governor of my home state, the great state of California, is in a war with Trump over funding for disaster relief. And then Trump did what he always does – flip flop! You don’t mess with the Newsom! Yes, that’s the title of this week’s edition and it was the best I could come up with at the time. But that’s not what this entry is about. The republicans of California are pure fucking evil. I mean come on, we’re the state that gave the country Devin Nunes of all people. This week the California conservatives have been caught trying to rig the election and they’re failing miserably at it.





Yeah where’s that lawyer when you need him? Seriously if you’re in one of the counties affected by the fake ballot boxes, you might want to register for Track My Ballot. But yeah this is a fight that started out with some intention and then just fizzled out. Make no mistake that the GOP is trying to rig the election and so far the numerous attempts they have had is almost like Natasha and Boris trying to catch Moose and Squirrel! Ha, I pulled that reference out of my hat!





Now here’s where this fight gets weird and you knew it was going to. Of course I’ve been saying this about everything that’s been happening in this incredibly shitty and dark year that is 2020. So pretty close to where we tape the Top 10 in normal times is the town of Baldwin Park – that’s the home to Knotts Berry Farm, don’t you know? Well, a ballot box caught fire there and well, it might be arson.





Yeah so everything burns, and so do ballot boxes. This is getting seriously scary and we have 13 days until the election people! We need to get our shit together! We have Joe Biden, or the biggest asshole who’s ever called himself a leader since Adolf Hitler. The good news is that the criminals will be found and prosecuted and the FBI is on it!






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[font size="8"]Black Rappers
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Black Rappers, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you been listening to Kanye again? Don’t you know that’s bad for you? Well I’m sure that you saw Ice Cube trending on Twitter last week. You know Ice Cube – friend of the show. Multi-platinum recording artist. Star of some of the best comedies and movies of the last 20 years. And now apparently he’s a MAGA for some reason. Well let’s get to the bottom of this controversy. Because last week, somehow he was outed as a MAGA, and social media just collectively lost their shit. But if you’re like Mr. Cube and you somehow see this election as a lesser of two evils, can’t you see that Biden is the lesser of two evils? I mean really?





So that begs the question – is Ice Cube a MAGA or not? Well in addition to the Ice Cube controversy, another rapper has thrown his hat into the political ring. 50 Cent has outed himself as a MAGA because – wait for it – Trump is promising to lower his taxes! God after this election is over, I need to go take a cold shower, and bury my head in the sand until January 20th. Yes, 50 Cent is a MAGA.





Roll credits! Now here’s where it gets weird. And you knew it was going to. Apparently Eric Trump got a hold of a picture that shows Ice Cube and 50 Cent together to apparently prove some bizarre theory that the two know each other, naturally they must be MAGA BFFs right? I mean seriously that’s the kind of shit third world dictators do to prove that people like them, when secretly we despise their guts!





But wait! There’s more! Here’s where it gets even weirder! The idiot Trump brothers are attempting to race bait Joe Biden and it’s backfiring on them! This is one of the strangest stories in the hip hop world since the Bernie Sanders / Public Enemy debacle back in March (see: Top 10 #8-9 ). Bottom line is that you don’t mix politics and hip-hop, and we’re saying this since we know Ice Cube wrote a song about Trump called “Arrest The President”!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Hydroxychloroquine II
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Science is desperate to find a cure for the novel coronavirus that showed up back in March and has wrecked our lives and ruined this year. But so far many attempts have been tried and almost none have succeeded. In fact since President Trump came into contact with COVID-19, his methods of treatment have been questionable at best. Most notably in the spotlight is hydroxcholorquine, a drug that is commonly used to treat lyme disease. It has been adopted by the anti-mask movement as a symbol that COVID can be cured. But can it really? In fact new studies have proven just the opposite and that a lot of the “proven cures” for COVID are nothing more than bogus snake oil. Here’s what the FDA is finding out lately.





Except that Panda Virus isn’t really a thing. At least we’re hoping that’s not a thing. So hydroxycholorquine is proving to be nothing more than a bunch of snake oil. Now that said, the anti-maskers are making a claim that Uganda has a low case count because they’ve embraced hyrdoxycholorquine in the EasternAfrican country. That’s simply not the case. That is shocking, we know. But we live in a world where facts are irrelevant!





So hydroxychloroquine Is a no. But what about the president’s other drug of choice, Remdesivir? That on the other hand has been proven to work. If you listen to actual scientists instead of your creepy racist uncle on Facebook, then you know that Remdesivir is a drug that is worth exploring further. But don’t buy into the conspiracy theories surrounding hydroxychloroquine on Facebook, because those simply aren’t true.





So the next time anyone you know starts spouting conspiracy theories based on hydroxycholorquine on Facebook, you might just want to know that it’s a steaming load of bullshit. Also keep in mind that politicians and senators who are praising the drug have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, and that we need a president who listens to science, not quacks. Unfortunately right now we have a president who listens to quacks and we won’t get any real answers anytime soon.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates! Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know the world is very weird and a very dark place right now. And it doesn’t get much darker than the Vatican. Now we’ve been avoiding this topic as much as we can because it’s our policy not to make fun of extremely dark situations. So this week, I am instead going to marvel at the utter insanity that is the Holy Catholic Church. Because as the Dude himself said, this aggression will not stand, man! I mean this situation is so utterly horrifying, but hey what happens at the Vatican stays at the Vatican, am I right? Well, Holy Mother Church has a much different talking point than what we’re used to on this subject.





Now seriously, why the fuck would any parent allow their boys to participate in the Catholic Church these days knowing what everybody knows about this religion? I mean this is so fucked up that there’s no way you could possibly make fun of it, so we won’t try. Really if the Catholics want to earn respect I think they need to clean up their organization and this is going to be a start at least!





Yeah but definitely not this! I mean I really might have to go take a cold shower after this because it’s insane. But how does the church keep getting away with this? It’s because they don’t care, the Vatican controls the laws for the priests to follow, they can keep pushing back the actual trials as long as they want to! I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure that’s not how the law works! Oh wait, they want GAWD’s law! Because GAWD and JAYSUS rule all!





Something tells me I don’t want to see video of that meeting, but I am sure that it went like that! But you might think these are the only trials involving priests. Oh no my fair congregation! This isn’t a comedy this is a horror movie! I mean even Kevin Smith couldn’t come up with something as creepy and weird as the modern day Catholic Church. Like I said I might need to go take a cold shower after this one because this was pretty disturbing, my friends!





Holy shit indeed! Whew, this one got dark! My producer is getting fired tomorrow and we’re never touching this subject again! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is actually a twofer – Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump. While their father, the 45th president of the United States, and is somehow still inexplicably holding onto the job, Donald J. Trump, is trying to throw shade at Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden, let’s not forget these two exist! Let’s first not forget that these are what one might call “children of privilege” in that they’ve grown up around obscene wealth and their father is also president! Man I bet that makes for some awkward Thanksgivings and Christmases, doesn’t it? Well let’s look at where the two are headed for the rest of the campaign trail! Trump Jr and his crazy girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are headed to Woodstock because reasons.





Yeah that’s what happens when you don’t get the rights to your songs or character! But that said the Trump clan is full of some absolutely shady characters. What is Trump Jr campaigning about? Well he claims that his campaign And here’s the thing Don Jr. – Big Tech is not out to get conservatives, that’s a steaming load of bullshit. They are however, out to get assholes. Being conservative and being an asshole tend to go hand in hand!





Yeah cue the Sad Hulk Music for that one! So while Donny Jr is sitting in bed wallowing in his sorrows about how social media websites are big meanie heads and won’t let him say the racist and sexist drivel conservatives are known for, his brother Eric Trump is proving to be just as big of a moron as he is! Yes, Eric is accusing Joe Biden of squatting! Yes, Eric thinks Joe Biden lives in a house he doesn’t own!





And by the way in case you’re wondering if they couldn’t possibly be any dumber, just look at where Eric Trump was planning on having a campaign stop. Remember last week when those scary looking white guys attempted to kidnap Governor Whitman? Well one of Eric Trump’s stops apparently included stopping at the gun shop where the men were known to congregate! Yeah even the best comedy writers in the world couldn’t come up with this shit!





So feeling sorry for themselves because they can’t be assholes on social media and campaigning at gun shops where violent government overthrows were being planned. That’s the sons of the president – Donald Trump Jr and Eric Trump – this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Yes folks it’s a new edition of Conspiracy Corner! When there’s things in the news that can’t be explained, we naturally turn to conspiracy theories. And they’re just getting weirder and nuttier by the day! We are of course coming to you live from a remote location deep in the alakali flats of the New Mexico badlands – you know the same place where Walter White ran a meth lab out of the back of an RV. Just allow me to adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… and you know what there we go! So this week, it’s been announced that Facebook – purveyors of getting your creepy uncle’s racist rants out there since 2005, is banning that Trump-loving social movement known as Q Anon, though Q Anon is really just a creepy cult!





Yes so when you surrender yourself to Q Anon, just remember that Trump is equal parts God, Rambo, John McClane, Rocky Balboa, and Dirty Harry combined. And everyone who doesn’t agree with his politics is a satanic pedophile. But why do they have to bring Satan into it? That’s a mystery! Because everyone knows even Satan wouldn’t do that sort of thing. Even crazier is that this is happening after the group known as Q formed! And now Q Anon is going international!



But that said

Seriously a little crazy? This a screeching violin short of being full blown Norman Bates level psychotic, and in normal times we’d take people like this and lock them in insane asylums complete with straight jackets and padded walls. This is some seriously crazy shit. Conspiracy theories like Q are really nothing new, but when you consider that Trump himself is a conspiracy theorist, he is only amplifying the crazy!





Yes!!! This is a theory that goes all the way to the president! Of course all theories do go all the way to the president. After all this is the presidency of, by and for late night conspiracy theory talk shows. But what happens when a conspiracy goes too far? It’s like the My Chemical Romance song says “This is for the broken, the beaten and the damned.”. So if you ever wonder how groups like ISIS, the Taliban, and Al Qaeda came to be, look no further than Q Anon!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! So who is dumb this week you might ask? Well I answer you good sir or madam. I want to start with this batshit story out of the Badger State – the great state of Wisconsin! We go to the town of Eau Claire for this story and it might be the single craziest People Are Dumb story that I’ve ever covered – “Mother let dog run loose in Wisconsin Walmart and performed a series of karate moves while son stripped naked, police say”. Yes that is a thing that happened! And well enough of my ramblings, I will let the story do the talking, and it’s one of the craziest ones yet!





Yeah I’m really guessing that “stripping naked in a Wal-Mart” doesn’t qualify as “great skills”, now does it? Next up – rap music! Yes, even the music industry has its’ fair share of idiots (and yes, I’m looking at you, Takeshi Six6 Nine9 or whatever your name is). But this guy might be one of the worst offenders in an industry that has spawned many! And this story is why I wanted to do a People Are Dumb segment this week. So yeah if you’re going to commit fraud against the government, maybe don’t sing about it before you commit the crime!





Next up – dumb computers! Yes, even these machines that have so greatly enhanced (or not) our lives can also be stupid! Such is the case with the St. John’s Onion Company out of Newfoundland, Canada where their advertising for their signature product – onions – was apparently deemed too sexy by Facebook! I mean come on, anyone with a food fetish can certainly see the sex characteristics of the onion, with all its’ curves… right? I mean right???





Yeah maybe don’t listen to that guy! Next up – good old Florida! And where would be without the craziest state in the union? Well first off if you can afford to rent a $200,000 Porsche – good for you, you still have a job in 2020! But if you get to rent a car as luxurious as a Porsche, maybe don’t go for a joyride in it, especially when you’re the only one who rented it! Yeah that makes you easy to identify.





That’s true! Finally this week – once again sticking with America’s most penis-shaped state, the great state of Florida – you know that Halloween is coming up and naturally there’s going to be all sorts of stories like this! And really guys, there’s plenty of ways to kill demons but giving your kids guns probably isn’t the best way to do this. You do know that Zombieland is just a movie right?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: The Final Thought

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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there. This week it’s our final thoughts on what has been an absolutely insane 2020 that got completely upended by a virus that has stalled campaigning and sent Joe Biden underground while Donald Trump goes and conducts business as usual which has well, not been good for him. But let’s not forget about the incumbent president. While the primaries were insane and we finally have a real leader in Joe Biden, let’s not forget about Trump. In fact this has had one of the worst outcomes that a presidential campaign stop can have, because well, Trump has been linked to COVID. And yes as I have repeatedly stated here, if you hang with Donald Trump, you’re gonna get a virus. I’m just saying it happens!





Gee, who could have seen that one coming? We’re in the home stretch of the campaign and Biden is playing it safe while Trump is being completely reckless and irresponsible. But you know what? Trump is doing this for us everybody! That’s right – he’s an everyday con man and he’s keeping you in your house and making sure you have access to all the supplies you need to keep you through this pandemic! Oh and did I mention that this is all a steaming load of bullshit?





That’s right Trump, you’re fired! And let’s not forget that he’s such an asshole that he can’t stand even the slightest bit of negative press! That’s right, and that’s why he’s so afraid of people like Amorosa, who wrote a tell all book two years ago! But that raises another problem – he’s a delinquent when it comes to paying his bills! Not only does he stiff cities with security for his rallies, he doesn’t pay his bills!





That’s right – everything burns! And Trump is burning money so fast that he can’t seem to keep a positive balance! I wanted to talk positively about how the Democrats are handling things, but I’m having way too much fun bashing Trump instead. Let’s not forget the fact that the man is fucking broke and he seems to spend money faster than he can keep it. My final thought – do you really want this man to continue running our government? Do you? @realDonaldTrump, guess what? You’re fired.







All right folks, this is it. This is the real deal. I’ve spent 4 whole years covering the Donald J. Trump administration – from the time he wormed his way down that gold escalator to his Newport Beach COVID rally. I don’t need to tell you how high the stakes are here. I am preaching to the choir. Go out and vote. Get out the vote! We’ll be here waiting for you when you get back! We will be running a best of next week and 11/4 will go dark. We will be back in full on 11/11 with a brand new edition and I will be either in a good mood or ready to throw my TV out the window!

See you in three weeks!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 14, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-14: Pretty Fly For A Really White Guy Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-14: Pretty Fly For A Really White Guy Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Seriously didn’t this last week feel like it was an entire year? I know! Can I gloat for a minute? It’s about damn time a team I root for won it all! I’m of course talking about the Los Angeles Lakers! Yes, congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers for winning their 17th title in NBA history! Thank you canned audience! I mean seriously, ever since that horrifying helicopter crash that took the life of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna, and 7 others, nothing has gone right this year. But I think last night was a turning point because the Lakers got their title and were able to dedicate it to Kobe on what has otherwise been an extremely shitty year. So yeah since February we haven’t really had much to celebrate and we’re looking at a nightmare scenario for the transition period after Trump loses to Biden and that’s going to be ugly. And yes I have watched nearly every game in the NBA bubble in Orlando because it’s a pandemic and everyone is bored as hell. But that said, congratulations again to the 2020 Los Angeles Lakers for winning it all! OK that’s enough of the intro so we have a lot of idiocy to cover in the weeks leading up to the election. But first Bill Maher is back and he has a dire warning and nightmare scenario laid out should Trump decide that he’s not going to concede to Biden:



We’re just a mere 3 weeks away from the 2020 election and it’s shaping up to be quite the shit show we all knew it would be, wouldn’t it? Taking the first slot this week is our vice president Mike Pence (1) and the debate between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris was quite the shit show, but we can all agree that the fly on Pence’s head was the star of the show, am I right? Even Joe Biden had some fun with the buzz in the room! Taking the second slot this week, is our current and inexplicable president, Donald J. Trump – he has not only infected the whole West Wing, but he’s very slowly losing his mind! At slot #3 is Donald Trump Supporters. Remember his infamous “LIBERATE MICHIGAN!” tweet back in April? Well it inspired some real home grown terrorism, and well, this one fucked up situation! Taking the fourth slot this week is also Donald Trump (4) and this week after all the batshit crazy things he’s done, Nancy Pelosi is finally discussing the 25th Amendment! In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and you may have noticed plexiglass barriers everywhere due to COVID-19 but what do they do and how effective are they? Taking the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week - are we fighting a holy war? The evangelical crowd is suggesting yes, but our resident pastor has a different theory! In the seventh slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse – and Saturday Night Live (7) once again attempted to cater to Trump fans by having a country music guy on – and one who’s known for partying and he has been partying hard in the middle of a pandemic! At slot #8 is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, everyone’s favorite (?) theorists Jacob Wohl and Jack Berkman are finally throwing in the towel and turning themselves in. I can’t wait to see the future movie about them starring Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week in Road To The White House – Trump is bailing on the debates and going on his virtual Deplorable Tour! Yes, he is actively losing his mind! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Mike Pence
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We need some music for this one!



Yeah love me some Offspring! I don’t know if anyone saw the Vice Presidential debates but it was quite the shit show that everyone had expected. Kamala did great at the debate, as was expected, and Mike Pence showed himself off as Trump’s mini me. But there was an unexpected star of the show during the 2 hour shit show, and that was that a fly unexpectedly landed on Pence’s head and stayed there for a whole two minutes. And if you watched the whole thing you can see that well, even Pence himself didn’t know about it! But that’s to be expected, I mean flies are drawn to horseshit. Hey o!!! But yeah, like most things just walk it off!





Unfortunately Bart’s head wasn’t on the fly. But that said it was absolutely hilarious that this happened, but no one in the Trump administration has a sense of humor and is able to laugh about themselves, so that’s that. But that’s kind of sad when you’re such a transparent person that the fly not only outranks you in the debate but actually steals your thunder! Mike Pence is such a soulless, animatronic excuse for a human that he shows no emotion over this, nor does he have a sense of humor about it.





I think having a killer spider might make things even worse! But really no one took the liberty of naming the fly? That’s pretty lame! Seriously, even the fly has more charisma than Mike Pence does. In this otherwise extremely dark and depressing year, we need things that make us laugh. And this was definitely one of them, even both sides can agree on! If that’s pretty fly for a white guy, this is Pretty Fly For A Really White Guy!





Yeah where’s a Venus Fly Trap when you need it? Oh and in case you’re wondering – yes the fly already has its’ own brand of merchandise! Merchandising – that’s where the real money from this administration is made! My personal favorite – even though Joe is already selling his own brand of fly swatter, there’s the Mike Pence fly bobblehead! That’s right this is a thing that exists!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Trump not only got infected with, but has been spreading the very virus that he has been calling a hoax since this February! Well we’ve been following the events of this potential walking biohazard returning to the White House, and it’s been quite the shit show that you would absolutely expect from the Trump White House. When Biden gets in, he’s going to need to do some serious fumigation to not only get COVID out, but to get the smell of stupid out of the damn room! Thank you canned audience! Man I miss having an audience. But yes, Trump is turning the White House into a biohazard. And it’s not pretty.





Yes everyone, all is well!!! Actually all is not well! If you want a truly alarming statistic, there’s more cases of COVID-19 in the White House than there are in all of New Zealand! And you know what? The cases aren’t going to stop there. While the rest of us watch in horror at the shit show unfolding at the West Wing, they simply don’t seem to care and are getting back to business as usual!





Seriously dude, what COVID precautions? Anyone who’s been watching the horror show unfold the last 7 months should be aware that he clearly doesn’t give a shit and that we’re on our own. But $10 says that he doesn’t make it past election day to serve his second term. And remember what I said about New Zealand? Look at this – there’s more cases in the White House than there are in all of that country!





I don’t think it’s too early to tell sir. It’s very well way past time to tell – Trump is a walking, talking biological weapon. He’s so far infected 34 people and is on his way to infect the whole damn West Wing, and I don’t want to point fingers but someone is going to die from this. Of course it’s like playing a game of Russian Roulette and you never know who the bullet is going to hit. But as with most things, this is going to get worse before it gets better.






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[font size="8"]Michigan Republicans
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You know that every week in 2020 has felt like 10 years hasn’t it? So remember back in April when Trump tweeted to “LIBERATE MICHIGAN!!!” when protesting the COVID lockdowns? We covered this back in Idiots #8-14, which feels like an eternity ago! Well anyways in that length of time, it seems that a group of people in the great state of Michigan have decided that they are going to well, liberate Michigan. And this is why you should never listen to a guy like Trump. Because he is a raging psychopath with serious anger issues, and you don’t want to piss a guy like that off, he will explode! And these dumbfucks who attempted to kidnap Governor Whitmer, what did they expect? Were they going to go full Bane from the Dark Knight Rises and hold their own trials? Because let’s ask Bane and Scarecrow how well that worked out.





Seriously was this plot inspired by Bane or something? I mean you couldn’t make up something this frothing-at-the-mouth crazy! And in case you’re wondering the caliber of people that Trump has been attracting to his cause lately, well let’s take a look at a place that was going to be visited by one of Trump’s dim sons – Eric. Apparently one of the guys who worked at this gun shop was being – wait for it – a belligerent, abusive jackass!





No it really isn’t! But never mind the batshit crazy conspiracy theorists plotting to kidnap the governor and overthrow the government. That’s all crazy talk don’t you know? It’s all just a big, hearty gut laugh that we can all look back in a few years and go “See? Remember how crazy the year 2020 was?”. But that’s the play from the defense – it was all crazy talk from a bunch of crackpots. Ha ha ha ha ha, it’s all so obvious now!





No it really isn’t at all! Now here’s where it gets weird. Because this is the Trump administration, and you knew it was going to. Apparently, Whitmer wasn’t the only governor these goons were planning to kidnap. Virginia was also on their list of states to be “liberated”. Because guess what? That’s another of the states that Trump has been targeting because of lockdown restrictions, because he’s a certifiably insane individual!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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It’s no secret that Donald Trump has gone off his fucking rocker. The man is certifiably insane and he’s getting worse as each day inches closer to the election. And it’s going to be the election from hell, that you can be assured of! So impeachment didn’t work, and giving him a lame duck Congress didn’t work, so what’s behind door number 3? Why it’s the 25th amendment! Yes, that most sacred of constitutional amendments that says that the president can be removed from power if he’s proven to be abusing it, could actually be invoked! We actually saw this being put to use in season 2 of the TV show 24 when President Palmer’s ability to govern is questioned by Vice President Prescott. So how would this work in real life?





Ok, Jack, you do that! So how would invoking the 25th amendment work? There’s numerous times over the last 4 years that it could have been used. So why wait until now? Nancy Pelosi has brought about the fact that it could be used. Because right now it would take a commission to kick Trump out of the Resolute Desk, but there’s no way that committee could prove to be partisan. Well, there’s a loophole.





And that’s a guy who you do not want to fuck with either. And speak of guys who you don’t want to fuck with, Trump is hopping mad that this is even being remotely considered. But what he doesn’t know is that in the event that he tries to fuck with the election and it’s unresolved by December 15th, Nancy Pelosi becomes president. So yeah he’s becoming his own worst enemy at this point.





Seriously, where is that guy when you need him? Of course we all know what happened when we saw Mitt Romney get ostracized from Trumpland when he voted for impeachment. And if you think Trump is bad now, wait until you see him on steroids! Not of the anabolic variety but of the kind used to cure crippling lung diseases. He is frothing at the mouth batshit crazy!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Plexiglass Barriers
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



You may have seen pieces of plastic Plexiglass pop up at various supermarkets, fast food restaurants, and just about everywhere. They have also been a hot topic of discussion during the Vice Presidential Debates. But what do these windows do? Supposedly they’re for stopping the coronavirus that causes COVID-19. However, in the health care world, there’s been a debate about whether or not these plastic barriers are actually effective or not. Can they actually stop the spread of the virus? How do they work against protecting you from the virus? And in the long run is spending all this money on a temporary solution really a good thing? These are the many questions that need to be answered while the pandemic is still going on.





Much like shooting the virus, having a small piece of plastic on your desk isn’t really going to help protect you from an airborne virus. And just like masks, plexiglass is not only the latest divide in the right wing culture wars, it’s dividing scientists as well. So the question is – do plexiglass barriers really help protect you from coronavirus? The answer is a definite… maybe.





That’s probably the only safe way you can protect yourself from COVID. Only problem is you cannot use the bathroom, eat, or drink in one of those. In fact leading medical experts are calling the glass “minimal protection” and saying that the barriers are mainly for cosmetic purposes. The next time you see a plexiglass barrier just remember that it really isn’t doing much to protect you at all.





Unfortunately you’re not Mr. Burns, and there’s no such thing as being completely indestructible. So plexiglass shields are everywhere now based on CDC guidelines. And the truth of the matter is that they could not be helpful. Or someone could also be screwing with us. Because in a raging pandemic you can’t take too many precautions but when you do, make sure that the ones you take are going to protect you from the virus and will not hurt you.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! Is it safe to say that we are in the midst of a holy war? Because we are currently vying for the SOUL of this great country! And the reason I ask this is because I have been told by supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church that that is indeed the case! In fact, the Dark One is currently running a cult and it is a very dangerous and scary one at that. In fact here’s a perfect example of how one takes his indoctrination into the cult way too seriously and way too far!





Now really there was a time when someone would talk like that and they would get sent to the place with padded walls and straight jackets! These days we give them a platform and followers who latch onto their garbage! Seriously we’re less than 4 weeks away from the election that could send the Dark One packing, so that means that extreme far right Christians have upped their ante!





Man what book are you reading Reverend? You do *NOT* use GAWD to stump for the Dark One under any circumstances! For the good LAWRD JAYSUS is apolitical and if he were to meet the unholy one, would surely cast him into the fiery pit of HELL!!! Now here’s where they are taking the Holy War a step too far. Fake coach Dave Daubenmire is taking the battle against Hillary Clinton just a wee bit too far!





Now you’ve dang gone too far there, fake Coach! These people have a bizarre obsession with Hillary Clinton’s death, don’t they? I would hope that the Secret Service is protecting her 24/7. That said, despite all the unusually violent rhetoric coming from the Christian right during this madness, when the Civil War comes, it will be “business as usual”. But really since about March of 2020, nothing has been “business as usual”.





So never mind that, just go buy things at Bed, Bath & Beyond and go to your favorite events during a civil war. It’s just business as usual! These people are clinically insane! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Saturday Night Live is finally back with their first new episodes since the pandemic began and it’s been something of a mixed bag. You had SNL At Home, which fucking blew. But now they’re back in the studio with a live audience which has been good but not great. However, their attempts to cater to the right wing after being accused of liberal bias have backfired on them spectacularly. But first off let’s have a control group here, is that host Bill Burr had what some might call a “mixed” bag of jokes, mainly because he was railing on the concept of “cancel culture”. Now this is 2020 and the Me Too movement is 3 years old, so we’re already getting sick of the cancel culture talk!





Seriously did you ever stop to think that the reason why you’re getting canceled is because you’re just not funny? Although that brings up another good subject – is how do you make fun of “woke” culture? It is not something you can really make fun of because otherwise your jokes come off as cringy and embarrassing. I mean seriously it’s been 3 years since the dawn of the Me Too Movement, and you really can’t joke about it.





See we live in a weird time in the comedy world. The pandemic has killed live audiences for the foreseeable future, and “woke culture” as it’s been called has made everything from timeless monologues to current comedians super cringe worthy. And come on if you don’t know why they’re trying to cancel John Wayne… well let’s just remember that John Wayne was a racist asshole! And if you don’t know why, you’re probably a racist asshole too.





And speaking of canceled, here’s the kind of jokes that they come up with in what’s been an increasingly humorless world. So since a lot of Bill Burr’s material is off limits, they joke about, among other things – pumpkin spice beer! And come on, Sam Adams is the Boston equivalent of Foster – if you are in a real Boston bar and you try to order that shit, they laugh at you! And yes, I have tried just about every beer that Sam Adams makes, including the Pumpkin Spice variety!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Hello everyone and welcome to Conspiracy Corner! When people have things that they can’t explain, they turn to conspiracies of course! And this is the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! Of course I am coming to you live from an underground doomsday prepper shelter deep in the alkali flats of the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location of course. Now this week, the GOP is full of conspiracy theorists, and perhaps the two dumbest men in America – Jacob Whol and Jack Burkman, who we have covered on this program many times are finally throwing in the towel. Yes, they’ve decided to give up on their shenanigans and let the adults run things again. But they’re not going down without a fight! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference and… there we go!





That is a good question! Apparently the biggest kind because as we have pointed out, these guys are certifiably insane. And they are out to take down alleged democratic voter fraud… by committing real election fraud! Folks, I don’t need to tell you that voter intimidation is a crime and we are in the final hours of the election that could send Donald Trump packing. But his supporters aren’t going down without a fight. May they be regulated to the dust bin of history!





That is a good point sir! And yes these two if found guilty, will be going away for a long time, and they will emerge at a time when Trump is no longer president, so no pardon, fellas! And by the way that’s not the only thing these two idiots have been up to. They’ve also been scheming and attracting the attention of the FBI through their leaking of documents pertaining to conspiracy theorist #1 Roger Stone’s trial. Yes, it goes all the way to the top!!!





So voter intimidation and jury tampering… any other crimes these two Trumpiest of the Trump supporters can conjure up? How about extreme robodialing? Yes, not only are they trying to rig the election (and failing badly at it), they’re also engaging in some extreme voter fraud and misinformation regarding propositions and ballot reforms! Really, the sooner these two idiots go away and are never heard from again, the better!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I want to start with dumb products. And this product… may be one of the dumbest! Seriously, there’s a high tech chastity belt for men out there. Who the fuck would buy this and who the fuck would actually wear this thing? Oh and there’s no surprise that it can be hacked! I mean come on it’s one thing to get an STD. It’s another thing to get a virus on the device that’s supposed to be protecting your junk. Really I have so many questions about this thing. But if we answer all of them… fuck, I just don’t have that kind of time!





Good pull! Next up – poop! Yes, our bathroom time is never immune from a People Are Dumb story, and we go to the state of Michigan for this one! Yes, Florida isn’t the only state where the stupid and crazy exist. Shocker – they are everywhere!!! And this disgusting story is definitely something that Trump era politics have brought on us. And well, let’s let the story do the talking.





Somehow I don’t think Flushing Meadows is supposed to work that way! Next up – we of course have to go to America’s most penis-shaped state, the Sunshine State, good old Florida. Florida is always one of the craziest states in the union and for good reason. For one thing – the Good Book is not supposed to be a weapon! Unless you’re John Wick, but if that’s the case, that dude can literally use anything as a weapon. But if you’re not John Wick, don’t do it!





Next up – we go to the Florida town of St. Petersburg! Look, I know times are tough right now because of COVID and we could all use a pick me up. But maybe don’t follow the lead of Florida Man and start passing out weed like it’s Halloween candy. Yeah really. I sure could use a hit right now and I know a lot of us could. But in some parts of the country – mainly in those run by conservative states – weed is still illegal last I checked!





Good point Homer! Finally this week is yet another Florida Man story – and this might be one of the strangest Florida Man stories yet! We go to the town of Ocala, that’s the home of John Travolta don’t you know. So here’s the thing, if you are out fishing and you find something like, I don’t know, an explosive hand grenade, do you really think your next stop should be getting some fast food? I know that I don’t!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Trump Bails On Debate
[br] [/font] [br] BODY HERE



Welcome back to…. Cue reverb… ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!! Oh man that was some good reverb there. Last week, which seems like an eternity ago this year, we covered the first presidential debates and of course the term “shit show” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Of course we are in a raging pandemic and all rules about the way society is supposed to function are thrown out the window, and we are in an election year at that! But then again Trump is still our president, and he refuses to abide by the rules. So put those two things together and the question is asked – is there a possibility there will even be a second debate? To which I answer: “are you fucking kidding me?”.





So rather than play by the rules and hold a virtual rally, Trump instead is going out on his own and holding super spreader events! So what happens if Trump decides to again bail on the second debate – it’s widely known that he’s infected with COVID and continues to infect everyone in his path, so the idea of holding an in-person debate is out of the question. But there’s no mistaking that Trump is an abusive, obnoxious jerk and would love to give Biden the virus if he could!





That is true and Trump is quite the evil fucker. In fact not only does he have COVID, he’s flying out to Florida (obviously) to do another in-person campaign event. And of course his supporters don’t give a flying fuck about COVID or their own health. Dear Leader is speaking and they will avoid Satan himself to go see him! But here’s where it gets creepy and weird.





Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! Wait a minute… EW. Why the flying fuck does he always make every thing so creepy and weird? Because he is a creepy weirdo and it’s just totally disgusting. OK now that I have got that off my chest, you know what the GOP really thinks of us and Joe Biden? Well let’s just say that they’ve gone full asshole and now all rules are off the table.





[font size="8"]And Now This:

Folks last week we lost one of the greats of all time – Eddie Van Halen. And I know that live music is off the table right now so I am paying tribute to him through live music. Really anyone who knows the Sunset Strip scene has a Van Halen story or two. Me I’ve always liked his song “Right Now” from his 1991 album “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” and it’s a protest song even though it at one point was used for a Pepsi product that no longer exists. So here it is – Van Halen performing “Right Now”.



Folks, before we get out of here, a programming note. Next week is our last new regular Top 10 before the election. 10/28 will be a Viewer’s Choice All Time Best Of (with maybe a new entry or two), and 11/4 will go dark. Maybe we will do a Top 10 Mini depending on how I feel or how things are going. We will be back in full on 11/11 once the dust has been settled – and hopefully in a much better mood than we have been the last 4 years! Next week, we will have our final thoughts going into the election in “Road To The White House”.

See you next week!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 7, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-13: Mr. COVID Goes To Washington Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-13: Mr. COVID Goes To Washington Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Holy fuck, what a crazy week this has been right? I was originally going to do a Wheel Of Corruption for this edition but we’ll save that for next week. OK, do we really need celebrities making collaborations with fast food companies? I know that it’s 2020 and no one can go out and perform right now because of this fucking virus, and people got to make money. So do we really need more advertising? And do we also really need more fast food? Of course this started with Travis Scott, who I like to call the Krusty The Klown of the hip-hop industry. And now there’s J. Balvin who also announced a collaboration meal with McDonalds. Do we really need this? Or is McDonalds now becoming that restaurant that names sandwiches after celebrities now? And I mean let’s face it – if anyone needs their own McDonalds meal named after them it’s Trump! Come on, think about it – next time you go to McDonalds, you can experience Trump’s slow, steady gorging process with two Big Macs and two Filet O’Fishes. I guess he doesn’t include a heaping order of fries in that meal because it might be a little too healthy! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the latest surrounding the 2020 mother of all elections to end all elections:



Well, it looks like Trump got COVID and now nobody in his direct line of sight is safe from it! Taking the number one slot this week of course is Donald Trump (1) and not only did he get the highly infectious and very contagious disease, his reckless victory parade is the stuff of legendary conservative idiocy! In the second slot this week – is Trump’s campaign manager Brad Parscale (2) and I originally wasn’t going to cover this story because domestic abuse is nothing to make fun of, but when Brad might be hiding some deep, dark secrets about his former boss, they need to get out there! In the third slot this week is the future Trump brownshirt army – the Proud Boys (3) and they are going all in after Trump’s debate shout out, but gay people have been taking back the name “Proud Boys”! Ha ha! Taking the number 4 slot this week is Donald Trump. A joint study by Harvard and the WHO examined some 8 million articles about COVID-19, and guess who is the key source of misinformation? Yup, him! In slot #5 this week is Top 10 Investigates, and we had this story planned for our edition a couple of weeks ago that unfortunately got axed, but we are going to talk about Charles Feeny, the billionaire who wants to die broke and penniless! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and we’re going to find out “does anyone really hate God?”. The Dark One’s campaign is trying to paint Joe Biden as “godless” but his faith suggests otherwise! In slot #7 this week – we add Wisconsin senator Ron Johnson to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected (7)! In the 8th slot this week we have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner – it hasn’t even been 24 hours and the conspiracy theorists are already speculating about how Trump got COVID! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new “I Need A Drink” (9) – and come on, racism and homophobia has no place in an MLS game, so we salute the San Diego Loyals for doing the right thing! Finally this week in “Road To The White House” – we have a complete recap of the first debate, and speculate whether or not we will have a second! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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You know I’ve been saying since the start of the Trump presidency that if you hang with Donald Trump, you’re gonna get a virus. I’m just saying it happens. He’s an overweight, dirty, lazy, unkempt slob of a man who thinks he’s got taste and class. For that he really doesn’t have any. He spends all day lying in bed and yelling at Fox News, only occasionally getting up to indulge in his favorite hobby. So it should be absolutely no surprise to anyone that he contracted COVID-19 after holding rallies that have hundreds of people in attendance. I kind of think of it like that game of chicken - where you stand in front of traffic before jumping out of the way at the last second. He tried to jump out of the way this time, but he failed big time!





Seriously, this is his “Don’t cry for me Argentina” moment. Though this isn’t Evita and he isn’t Eva Paron crying for help. Instead, this is more like Mr. COVID Goes To Washington, and instead of acting presidential, Trump is just some schmuck who got the virus by doing something stupid. And in case you’re wondering, yes, the experts actually did tell him that the thing that gave him the virus was in fact a dangerous thing to do. Even worse is that he only stayed literally two days in the hospital.





Oh fuck it, just run the negative ads there, Joe! There's your first one right there! Seriously even Trump’s own sons think he’s gone too far. First the victory parade, then the shout out from the White House balcony. And let’s not ignore that the whole White House might be a biohazard – don’t worry, we’ll cover that next week – and that’s just barely scratching the surface. When Trump’s sons think he’s gone too far, he’s gone too far!





Clean that up. And by the way yes the merchandise has already started. You can buy a Trump beats COVID commemorative coin right fucking now! For the low low price of $100! But that said, how is this going to affect his poll numbers? If anything America has had enough and it’s getting safer to say that Trump might be done.






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[font size="8"]Brad Parscale
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Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooly crap. I originally wasn’t going to cover this story but you guys bombarded me with emails and social media replys saying that I need to cover this. Because last week before Mr. COVID went to Washington, Trump’s campaign manager went absolutely batshit crazy, and it’s like peeling an onion. The more layers you peel back, the more it stinks. And the more you’re likely to cry as a result. So what happened? Now the thing is before we delve into this story, I am not making fun of the man himself or even the situation. I’m just reporting the facts with my usual brand of nonsense commentary. While COVID went to Washington, DC – Brad Parscale went to Florida for a campaign stop.





Seriously, Bugs Bunny had the right idea! I mean come on Brad, you knew it was the wrong time to go to Florida! Even just setting foot in the Sunshine State anymore guarantees that you will succumb to the craziness! But now that I have got that out of my system, what was Brad’s motivation for doing this? I heard some say that he was suicidal and we are not touching that one with a 10 foot pole. But at least his wife is cooperating with the police!





Yeah probably! But hey Brad, here’s the thing – underwhelming stress? Look, 2020 has been a cruel mistress to us all, and we’re all dealing with it in our own ways. But here’s the real underlying trouble – remember last week when we said that Trump was broke? Well guess what? Brad Parscale might have had a hand in it! See, grifting begats grifting! And maybe that Q Anon slogan was right – where we go one, we go all!





Damn right the shit just got real! And what’s even more real is that Parscale’s family is worried that he’s going to squeal on his former boss. Here’s where the shit is going to hit the fan and why we had to cover this story. Trump’s campaign is broke and they’re spending cash faster than a drunken gambler at a bachelor party at Caesar’s Palace. And if the truth comes out, Trump is in some seriously deep shit!






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[font size="8"]The Proud Boys
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If you haven’t heard of the alt-right Fight Club known as the Proud Boys, then you definitely haven’t been to a protest lately. Because whenever the dreaded “Antifa” shows up, the Proud Boys are almost certainly going to follow, mainly to kick some ass. Even though they are the ones getting their asses kicked and then go on social media to complain about how liberals are big meanie heads. We first covered the Proud Boys starting in Idiots #2-22, way back in 2017 and they’ve been appearing in Top 10s ever since. And 2017 seems like an eternity ago doesn’t it? Well, now they’ve become self-aware, and that is fucking scary.





Seriously, this isn’t Fight Club and you’re not Brad Pitt. In fact most of the “Proud Boys” look about how you would picture the exact opposite of Brad Pitt to look. Hey o! That joke would have killed in front of a live audience. And just like the previous Terminator reference, not only are the Proud Boys now-self aware because of Trump’s debate shout out, they’ve joined forces with another hate group that you’re probably familiar with – the Nazis! And you never go full Nazi, ever!





Seriously, where are Jake and Elwood when you need them? And by the way with Trump’s little joy ride outside the hospital this week – guess who was there with support? That’s right – Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes, who we profiled on a segment of “This Fucking Guy” back in the 5th season of the Idiots (see: Idiots #5-7 ). And yes he’s every bit as batshit crazy as you might imagine!





Oh wait, that was Jingle All The Way. And by the way, we have to talk about the latest clash in Portland, because it seems that the Proud Boys are hell bent on turning the hipster capital of America into America’s Trump-loving fight club. And you know that other saying – the beatings will continue until morale improves! Yes, this group is Trump’s new BFF, and they will literally fight for him.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Look, I know that we’re in the middle of a raging pandemic – and everyone is bored, tired, restless, isolated, angry, and pissed off. I know that I am. But before we start pointing fingers, let’s not forget the one man who is largely responsible for us getting into this mess. And that man is of course is the guy who’s in charge of the country right now – the man who we inexplicably still call president, Donald J. Trump. That’s right, you read that correctly – Trump is the sole source of misinformation on the virus known as COVID-19, responsible for one of the biggest disasters in United States history – both politically and economically. But yeah let’s blame Trump for all of this!





Yeah probably. Especially when this is one of the most alarming things coming out of the Trump administration since his diagnosis – he’s the key spreader of misinformation about the virus! See, I’ve been saying that since the Trump administration began that when you hang with Trump, you’re going to get a virus. Now when you hang with Trump, not only do you get a virus, he’ll give you a heaping pile of bullshit to go with it!





That is certainly true sir! But that’s also what happens when the President Of The United States lives in a bubble – not just because of COVID – but also constantly feeds off of his own bullshit when it comes to the news. See, the news sources that Trump says are actually news, are in actuality, fake news! It’s all so obvious now! But yeah he might be fucking with us, and if he’s going down, he’s going down swinging.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: The Broke Billionaire
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Billionaires. Most people either love them or hate them. Some even want to elect them president of the United States. Those people are crazy. However, this week, there’s one billionaire in particular who made headlines this week for one particular reason. He wants to die broke and penniless. Meet Charles Feeny. Feeny made his fortune as the backbone of the Duty Free shops that you see at the airport. He made billions off of his investment. Now his dying wish is to die broke and penniless. And he may just have achieved that goal.





So why did Mr. Feeny decide to do this and why are his assets so hidden? What made him do this? Well you know the old adage about how you cannot take it with you. Mr. Feeny is a different kind of billionaire – he made his wealth through investing. And then he turned around and invested those investments into different investments. In fact, his charitable contributions earned him the nickname “the secret billionaire”.







Yes and then light it all on fire! Mr. Feeny is not the only billionaire who is risking it all. We go to Thailand, where 41 year old billionaire Thanathorn Juangroongruangkit is risking it all because he’s fed up with the current state of the Thai monarchy. So rather than using his money for evil, people like this and Mr. Feeny are using their money for good. In fact he’s starting his own political party to help reform the monarchy.





But Mr. Feeny and Mr. Juangroongruangkit aren’t just giving away their fortunes for free. Instead they’re making sound and sensible investments that will help determine their country’s futures. But Mr. Feeny has a 35 year head start – and he has already accomplished his goal. At 89, he most likely doesn’t have a lot of time left on this earth, but he feels like his goal is accomplished.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know we are just one month out from the election. And this election will determine the future of America. Now, do we go with the unholy, ungodly Dark One – a man so disgusting and depraved that I will never allow his name to be spoken in my church – even if we aren’t a real church right now? Or do we choose the lighter path and go with Joseph R. Biden? I know which way I would choose. But that said, the ungodly Dark One is trying to accuse Biden as being ungodly. Which makes me ask this question – does anyone really hate GAWD? Both sides make this claim, and none of it is true. No one hates GAWD. But the LAWRD welcomes all – even the haters and the losers. So why is Biden being painted as the godless one?





These people really have a thing for demonic forces don’t they? And why do they refer to themselves as “prayer warriors”? Are they actually fighting a war? Maybe only in their warped and twisted minds. But I’m not really sure they know what the word “tyranny” means. In fact the Unholy Dark One is getting some much needed help from the pulpit.





Well so can I, I do have that power as I am a man of GAWD!! And the LAWRD shall send them to hell when he sees fit now doesn’t he? Now let’s take a look at the actual religions of these two men – starting with the man who is going to be the 46th president of the United States – Joe Biden! He is a real man of GAWD, and he makes no mistakes about the religion he chooses to worship!





Now on the flipside – we have the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One! And why do I keep referring to him as “The Dark One”? Because he is the leader of the free world. And he’s a man who is so full of sin, so disgusting, depraved, and batshit crazy that I will never, ever speak his name in my church! Except that one time I did, but there are exceptions to every rule. In fact he’s a man so disgusting that a religion known for insane lifestyles is denouncing him as being demonic!





That’s right – even the Mormons – some of the most devout of all the religions – are calling him the Godless one! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Ron Johnson: People Who Somehow Got Elected
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week: Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson. How did this guy get elected? While the world is sitting in horror of Trump’s recent COVID diagnosis, there’s another case that’s going dangerously overlooked and that’s Ron Johnson. The CDC is reporting that “super spreader” individuals are infecting hundreds of people and they might not even know it. Ron Johnson is one such individual. And this guy could be deciding the vote that puts Amy Coney Barrett on the Supreme Court. So what makes Mr. Johnson so dangerous? Well, while mass gatherings are shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Ron Johnson said “fuck it” and went to an Oktoberfest party anyways. Yes, holding an Oktoberfest party during a pandemic. That is a thing that happened.





Yes, they’ll get special host recognition all right – when everybody at the party comes down with the virus because they didn’t listen to scientists and ignored the warning signs. So guess what happened with the party? That’s right! He tested positive. And that means that Senator Johnson can join Trump in the recovery wing at Walter Reed Hospital.





That’s probably the only safe way to live right now in the age of COVID. And guess what else is going on – not only did Ron Johnson come down with the virus, at least 3 senators – all in the GOP – have also tested positive. This isn’t going to look good when they go to cast that SCOTUS vote that will replace Justice Ginsburg. This is what happens when you don’t take this virus seriously.





That’s what is going to happen from now until there’s a vaccine. And if people like Ron Johnson keep doing this that’s what is going to happen. But that’s not before he puts fellow super spreader Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court. That’s right – Ron Johnson could be one of the deciding votes that puts Judge Barrett on the highest of high courts. I like senators who don’t get the virus!





That man could help decide the fate of the future of the United States. That’s Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, yet another inexplicable candidate to add to the ever-growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! We are of course coming to you live from our remote basement bunker deep in the alkaline flats of the New Mexico badlands – I can’t disclose too much about the location because I don’t want the evil government to read my thoughts! Now just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… and there we go! So what are conspiracy theorists blabbering about this week? Well, of course you know their Dear Leader got the dreaded coronavirus. And that hasn’t stopped the conspiracy theorists from coming up with some absolutely batshit theories! Yes, the guano is flying fast and furious with this crowd!





By the way, anyone else really surprised that Trump is the mastermind behind most of these batshit crazy theories out there? And if you’re not, have you been following this administration? You know how absolutely batshit insane Trump is and how he doesn’t live in reality – he only lives in the reality that he chooses to create. And that is a very dark and scary one!





And by the way, is anyone really surprised that the Q Anon dipshits have been coming up with the craziest conspiracy theories surrounding Trump and COVID? To which I ask you again – have you been following this administration? Trump attracts the craziest and most depraved minds in not only America, but all over the world. So it’s absolutely no surprise that the basement dwellers of 4chan are fabricating the most batshit things you’ve ever heard.





Now here’s where it gets weird – because you knew it was going to. And again, I ask – have you been following this administration? I keep asking that because this administration has unleashed some of the most batshit stuff you’ve ever heard. But the real weirdness in all of this is that Q Anon and COVID conspiracies are merging! Yes, they are going to create the largest turd of misinformation you’ve ever seen in your life! They know too much!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Whew, I don’t know about you guys but I could really use a drink!



Whew, so much bad news this week! So of course you know by now that the idea is that we have some drinks and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And not only that, this has the bonus of being a sports story with an added dash of some old school homophobia. Yup, we’re talking 1950s fire and brimstone. So tell me virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about sports bullying? A seabreeze? Yeah no thanks. I think I will have my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. So we go to San Diego for this story. The San Diego Loyals are a relatively new team in the MLS world, managed by international superstar Landon Donovan. Well last week something unbelievable happened. The Loyal… forfeited a game. Here’s what happened.





Man I miss drinking in front of a live audience! We’ll get that freedom back at some point. So good for San Diego for taking a stand against rampant bullying in sports. Of course that doesn’t matter because we have a president and first lady who are on a “Be Best!” campaign so everybody is putting their best face forward! Ah, who am I kidding? Of course everyone is at their worst right now, we’re in a raging pandemic with a raging asshole at the helm. Thankfully the San Diego Loyal are the opposite of that!





Ah, thanks, I needed that! So the San Diego Loyal walked off not once, but twice. And unlike a baseball walkoff, you’re not celebrating in a football walk off. Instead, you’re probably ranting and cursing and throwing your empty beer bottles at the TV. Because it’s 2020 and you can’t do that at your favorite watering hole. But taking a stand is costing them in both fans and controversy. Let’s ask women’s football star Alex Morgan what she thinks.





So the impact of this decision will be felt across the league but who knows how long this will go on and what are the long term consequences of this decision? Well the short term decision is that this is going to have an affect on the Loyals’ playoff hopes. And yes, this is one of those things where doing the right thing could actually be the wrong thing. Yeah think about it!






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Debate Recap
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections! This is… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!! Ooh, that was some good reverb there! So in the last week , we covered the possible scenarios that could happen if Donald Trump decides that he’s not going to leave the White House in the event that he loses the election. We’ve also covered the coveted endorsement of rapper Ice Cube and what that would mean. Now this week we’re going to talk about the first debate that happened last week, and in the sea of news last week, that feels like an eternity ago. Though the first debate can be boiled down to five words: “Shut the fuck up Donny”. Seriously, where is Walter Sobchak when you need him? But really it was quite the shit show.





Yeah seriously, why wasn’t that guy moderating the debates? Now CNN, what did you learn? You’re Trump’s public enemy number one! Things got even crazier when the subject of white supremacy came up. And today’s white supremacists are nothing like your father’s white supremacists! Yes, Trump has received endless amounts of very well-deserved shit for failing to denounce one of America’s biggest problems.





Seriously, Donny, shut the fuck up!!! But switching gears now, will a second debate be held? That’s the question right now. Well whether or not a second debate happens, there’s going to be some rules changes in place. Like actually getting Donny to shut the fuck up. Because that’s something that he needs to do if he’s going to prove to be presidential. Because right now his plan of constantly talking over your opponent just isn’t working.





Yeah seriously. Shut the fuck up Donny! Why don’t we have this guy moderating the next debate? Well there might not even be a next debate, at least for the time being. But at this point does anybody even really care? Or will the poll numbers make that much of a difference? People are already mortified by Trump’s behavior and that might not carry well going into the actual election – of which we are only 30 short days away! Assuming this country is still standing then!







See you next week!

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