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OldBaldy1701E's Journal
OldBaldy1701E's Journal
February 9, 2022

Thank you for the hearts.

Whoever you are.

February 3, 2022

I want to thank all of you

I am going through a very rough time these days (hell, these past several years). I also wanted to maybe offer some explanation in regards to my post and replies. First one. There was a time when I would have been happy to accept offers of financial aid. However, that acceptance usually returned to bite me on the ass. Yes, I know that many here mentioned that the offers were done without thought of return. The problem is that there is always a return in some way. As Chiwetel Ejiofor said in 'Dr. Strange', "The bill comes due." In the past, I have received aid and used it, and suddenly there certainly seemed to be some return expected. There were times when I had to ask my mother for help. This led to the deterioration of our relationship as she, like the majority of Americans, seemed far more interested in her money than in me. This lady was a triage nurse. I am still struggling with why she never got me any help for the painfully obvious mental issues I have. (I know why she didn't. It is a combination of coming from an age when 'mental health' was akin to voodoo, and her desire to not look bad to her friends. You know the ones that sit around gossiping about other people like they themselves are freaking saints.) This soured me on ever accepting money from anyone. It was not my intention to offend anyone who was offering. It is just that every time I have done it, it always bites me on the ass. Especially when it comes with 'no thought of return'.

Secondly, I am not sure how others deal with this kind of thing, but to say there is a lack of support system for me is an understatement. Of course, I know what I get when I tell other people this. Which is fine, and i appreciate it. But, telling someone without money to just 'go get some help' is akin to telling a drowning man that all he needs to do is breathe more air. I have mentioned before that I have been through this entire charade in five states now, and the end result is always the same. There is no denial that there are two levels of healthcare in this country. And, I am not in the one that offers real help. (As opposed to the kind that I got in the county settings where they tossed me a bottle of Paxil and said goodbye. No appointment setting. No discussion of follow up. Just 'Okay, there ya go. Bye now!' I understand that others may have had different experiences than I have had. That is great. But, I hope you can understand there is a saying that I know I have mentioned on here before: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!" So, you can hopefully understand why I am very reticent to even consider those options.

Thirdly, I am still trying to understand why no one seems to be able to grok that I am done here. I have nothing else to offer anyone except a deteriorating human who cannot live in the current societal model, since it has now all but made me obsolete. Nothing I have done matters to anyone and there is nothing else I can do to be productive in any way. (Except maybe a few more years of reduced physical labor until I become unable to even move.) Yes, this is all whining. I no longer care about how it sounds. I love how I keep researching help online and I keep getting articles that stress how 'people find it difficult to ask for help'. I have been yelling for it. It is not about people not asking for help. It is that there is no help to be had outside of the top 10-12% of the population in this country. It is just logical to stop suffering. It is just logical to not waste resources. But, I am still here, still suffering and still wasting resources. I don't get it.

Lastly, I do not know what I am going to do from here. I do not see any hope for getting my husband out of the mess we are in unless I remove myself from the equation. I don't see my life being anything more than it is now. Suffering and taking up space while marking time in a failed existence. I don't know... maybe there is some reason that I am still here. All I know is I really doubt it is for anything good. I did not ask to be born like this. I did not ask to be flawed. I certainly did not ask to be 'different'. But, whatever. There is no loss from my departure. All I need to do now is try and figure out how to overcome my aversion to pain. That is the only thing keeping me here right now. I also wish to say that I understand if this board wishes me to stop posting this stuff. I will do so if directed. I can see how a few here are getting irritated with me. It won't be the first time I thought I found a place to have these discussions only to be told that I had to stop because I was 'disruptive' (read: not taking their advice, not showing any 'progress', etc.) Again, I am not trying to offend. But, I have to say what is bouncing around in my head or it just festers. But, regardless of all of it, I really appreciate everyone doing what they could to help. As I often say to people who say they are going to 'pray' for me, "It is a wasted effort but don't think I don't appreciate it."

Profile Information

Name: Dalton Ivey
Gender: Male
Hometown: The Outer Banks
Home country: USA
Current location: Minneapolis, MN
Member since: Wed Mar 6, 2019, 01:24 PM
Number of posts: 4,455

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