I had finally gotten full movement back. Now, thanks to living in the frozen tundra, I damaged it in January and now have to have the anchor that pulled out when I pulled the tendons removed. (If it had not come out, I could have just waited till the damage re-healed and gone from there. But that is not how my luck works. It never has and it never will.)
I am not doing well right now because I do not do pain. In any way. I have already spoken to the doctor and told him that I am not going to do this until I have assurances that I will be able to get the pain meds that I need. What he may not be ready to deal with is that I plan to walk in with an agreement that he will sign or I will thank him and walk right back out. I am not going to do this again like I did the last time. They gave me X amount of meds and said, "Take ibuprofen or tylenol if you need anything more." I wonder if I should just drive back to the place the moment it starts to hurt again and stand at the door screaming bloody murder until my voice gives out. (as a former singer who used to have to reach 3000 seat amphitheaters with no amplification, I may be in pitiful shape these days, but I can still be very loud when I want to be.)
In short, I am freaking out right now and I want to run out into the rain naked until I die from exposure. But, that would also hurt and as I said before...
"I need help."
Nothing can make a collection of human beings move faster or with more determination than when someone asks for help. And, I am not talking about help with the door. I am talking about help with life. When someone asks for help, that is the signal to abandon ship. I swear if one wanted to win a foot race of any kind, just get someone to openly and simply walk up right before the starter sounds and ask the runner for help. There are times when I wonder if the word 'help' is just a construct created by those who feel about a second of pang over constantly abandoning their humanity in the name of comfort. One thing I can say is that living where I am now, at least there is no pretense about caring. The people here won't even look me in the eye when I walk by, so there is no expectation of any empathy here. Where I am from, they will lie to your face and act like they care about you and then get really vicious behind your back. At least there you got the benefit of immediate camaraderie, even if it was usually somewhat fake. Here, they just keep on walking.
What makes this worse is when you get this treatment from those whom you thought were your friends and family. They just move off as if you let out a massive fart and it smells like dead animals. Lots of shrugs and hemming and hawing. Why stay alive when there is no hope for any aid or understanding? And, BTW, I mean help that I need, not help that you decide I need. Regardless of my issues, I am pretty sure I know better than most what I need.
Having to get my shoulder fixed again, because I slipped on the ice and damaged part of the first surgery. Love living on the fucking tundra! Of course, I can't move because I don't even own a car at this point. I have no friends here and pretty much all of the ones I have had for a long time are unable to do anything because.... I moved away from them! Brilliant!! I am down to my last nerve and my last cell of sanity. And, everyone just waves me off. I guess I will have to run naked into traffic with a flaming chair while screaming the lyrics to 'Baby Shark' before someone will take this seriously. Which just shows how fucked up our medical system is. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to drive 30 minutes to go get fitted for my SECOND brace-sling so I can get my SECOND surgery and suffer even more pain than I normally do, lose an entire summer of possibly finding something to do with what remains of my life, and NEVER being able to lose this fat ass again. EVER.
Fuck this shit. If I were not such a fucking coward I would not be here to type this.
I apologize for this, but I had to share this photo with someone. I was re-arranging our cast iron when I decided to make a quick photo of what we have here. I prefer it for all uses. There are those who just cannot handle cast iron. That is a bit sad, but I always hope they find what they need. As for myself... with this arsenal, all I need is a good fire.
Profile InformationName: Dalton Ivey
Hometown: The Outer Banks
Home country: USA
Current location: Minneapolis, MN
Member since: Wed Mar 6, 2019, 01:24 PM
Number of posts: 4,455
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