18 Vets Kill Themselves a Day: We Hail Them As Heroes Then Treat Them Like Garbage

[Victor_c3]

14. Just curious, but when were you there?

You sound like an OIF I guy if I had to guess. I can't argue with you over the poor leadership at the top of the military during the early stages of the war (including planning).

I was there during OIF II (Feb 2004 - Mar 2005). I was an Infantry Platoon Leader with 2-2 IN BN/3 BDE/1 ID and my platoon was attached to the 82nd Engineer Battalion for the duration of the deployment. I personally didn't have issues with a lack of armored vehicles, but then again I had Bradley Fighting Vehicles equiped with reactive armor. The HMMWVs and 113s the engineers I was attached to had were a different story. Their HMMWVs all started out as unarmored, but they quickly welded a whole bunch of steel plates all over these things. I remember having to ride around in HMMWVs with my knees up to my chest because we had stashed sand bags all on the floor of the vehicles to help protect the occupants.

As far as leadership goes, I think a lot of it was hit or miss. I'd like to think that I was a good leader, but I'm obviously biased towards myself. Many of the SSGs and the Platoon Sergeant that worked under me were phenomenal and are exactly what I attribute my success to. Some of my fellow LTs were dirt bags. I was thrown out into sector for a 24 hour firefight under the command of a complete POS company commander (he was relieved the following day after the firefight), but there were many awesome company commanders out there as well. I loved my BDE commander (COL Dana J.H. Pittard) and my division commander (MG Batiste). In fact MG Batiste speaks out from time to time for votevets.org. If either of those guys were to run for president in the future, they'd get my vote. The biggest leadership issues I saw were at very top. The tippity top made some amazingly stupid decisions that impacted the war for its entire duration. Why the hell would you disband the Iraqi military and let them all go home with their weapons?

I don't think that "service" no longer being a core American value is the full reason why have low troop numbers, however I think I understand what you are trying to say and I do agree with you to a point. If anything, my experience in the war pushed service out of my "core values". I joined the army when I was 17 in 1997 (my parents had to sign a waiver) and I saw what we were doing in the Balkans and I believed that pointless wars like some in the past would no longer happen. I joined for the opportunities to help myself get ahead in life, but also because I thought that I would contribute something positive to the world. I received my commision in May '02, spent a while at Ft. Benning, then eventually made it to my unit just in time to deploy for OIF II. I never agreed with the premise of the war in Iraq from the get-go, but I obligated myself to our military and I was determined to bring as much good as I could to the Iraqi people in my sector. After my first series of firefights and after seeing the impact of my weapons on people (both combatants and non-combatants) I really started to feel ashamed of the war and what I was a part of.

The most upsetting experience for me wasn't even the most intense in terms of combat. I was escorting my company commander and 1SG to a town meeting and my 1SG's HMMWV was hit by an IED. My gunner identified who we thought was the trigger man and shot him. In another HMMWV, one of my SGTs got out and shot at someone else. After the handful of shots, we all dismounted and were working on recovering the vehicle that was hit by the IED. We were light on people as we were only escorting my CO and 1SG to a meeting so my 1SG, medic, a SAW gunner, and myself scoured the area to find the people that we shot. We found the "triggerman" still alive, but bleeding to death and just roling on the ground. I left my medic there with him my SAW gunner to begin first aid. I saw a group of 2x 20ish males and a 6 year old boy sitting on a log solemnly about 50 feet away. As I approached, I saw an 8 year old boy lying face down on the dirt. He was still alive, but not doing so good. The two guys were his uncle and the younger boy was his little brother. They were on their way to a wedding and the boy was even carying his little tuxedo all wrapped up in plastic to keep it clean. I did all I could, but I could have done a lot of things differently and offered more compassion in that situation. I don't know if the kid actually died or not, but we did get him on a helicopter extremely fast. He wasn't doing good at all. I still get flashes of the incident when I look at my two little girls and I think about how much I love them and I realize how devastated I'd be if something happened to them like what happened to the kid I found.

I can tell you that I didn't feel any sense of patriotism watching people die, picking up their parts, and stuffing them into body bags. I definintely dign't feel proud for my service or what I did by any measure. I hated the awards and decorations I received for my combat experience as it feels like it cheapens the whole thing. My parents and family are proud of me and my service, but I'm not. They weren't there and they have no idea what it is all about. It's easy to tell stories like this in a semi-anonymous fashion, but I'm scared shitless of telling my family things like this. The scary truth is, after a while, you kind of get turned on to violence. I find myself missing combat, holding a rifle, the danger, and everything else. If I could somehow go back to Iraq and to the war, I'd drop everything in a heart beat to get back. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, but I can totally understand veterans and their suicide dilemna as I've been through it myself. Comming back to the civilian world sucks and is impossible for some of us. I've been out of the war for about 8 years and I still find it is a central facet of my life. I just can't get away from it.

I can keep going on and on, but I kind of lost what my original message was supposed to be. I believe this is still worth posting, whatever the final message is. Anyways, thanks to anyone who is reading this and for listening to the ramblings of a veteran.

(As an aside, I'm currently receiving treatment for PTSD from the VA).