Breaking: Republican Intern Named Zach to Be Speaker of the House

[dalton99a]

1. Great choice

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what they are hailing as a consensus choice, House Republicans have nominated a college intern named Zach to be the new Speaker of the House.

The freshly minted G.O.P. nominee acknowledged that he was “kind of surprised” to be chosen as Speaker but said that he was “totally stoked about wielding that hammer.”

“I’m, like, whoa—all of a sudden, I’m Thor,” he said. “This is gonna be dope.”

Zach, who is taking a year off from his studies at the Northern University of Southern Florida, is well liked within the G.O.P. conference, insiders said.

“Zach never screws up our coffee orders,” one Republican congressman said. “You couldn’t say the same for Kevin McCarthy.”