Climate Agrees To Stop Changing Until US Economy Recovers [View all]
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Today, President Obama reached an unprecedented agreement with the earth’s climate to halt global warming until the US economy reaches 4% annual growth.
The news was cheered throughout the world, as economists shook hands with rapidly receding shorelines worldwide.
“We are delighted to hear that the climate has finally listened to reason,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “Now we can focus on what’s really important: raising upper class tax rates from 35% to 39%.”
The agreement, which halts everything from extreme weather events to vanishing island nations, is the first such accord between a sitting president and atmospheric temperature levels.
Not all in Washington cheered the accord - House Republicans bashed the treaty in a press conference.
“We don’t believe in negotiating with phenomena we don’t believe exists,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “However, even if it did exist, there’s no way we’d support regulating it. What if it’s a job creator?”
Climate scientists throughout the world had a far more positive reaction to the news.
“Finally, we can stop telling people that if they didn’t change, their grandchildren would live on a cinder,” remarked John Greggs of the National Weather Service.
“Now, thankfully, those cinder dwelling grandkids will have jobs.”
“We get it,” said the arctic ice shelf, as it repaired millions of cracks that were previously releasing deadly methane gas. “Nobody could have predicted the financial crisis. People need a break. We’ll knock it off until unemployment is back at Clinton-era levels.”
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