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Jim Lane

(11,175 posts)
58. One more suggestion for your son.
Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:02 AM
Dec 2012

It sounds as if he may not need it -- that he's much better adjusted than I was when I was young. But, in case it helps, I offer an insight that I had, many years after I should have.

It's not exactly something I learned. If you had asked me about it when I was 15, I would have said, "Of course." But I didn't really believe it, deep down. I would've been better off if I had.

Are you ready for the great insight that eludes some "nice guy" types?

Women like sex.

You can see why I said that, if asked about it at 15, I would have said, "Of course women like sex." It would be foolish to think otherwise. But it was one of those cases where you can know something intellectually but it just doesn't penetrate.

See, one effect of the double standard is that a boy, as he's growing into manhood, can pick up the idea that sex between a man and a woman is something she does for him. She doesn't enjoy it. Therefore, to want to have sex with her is asking her for a very big favor, and most people are a bit diffident about asking for very big favors under any circumstances. This inhibition goes beyond the obvious point (well, obvious to most of us) of not being obnoxious and offensive; it goes way too far in the direction of not wanting to offend or upset the woman, by assuming (though usually subconsciously) that even indicating any possibility of sexual interest will be offensive or upsetting to her.

My guess is that the double standard has weakened somewhat over the years, and that fewer men these days face this problem. Still, I think it persists. It's part of the reason for the idea that "Nice guys finish last" in love. Some of those nice guys implement their niceness by being super-careful not to make any advance that a woman might reject. A man who commits that error will never offend a woman by his overaggressiveness but will also have a well-below-average love life.

If I could go back and talk to my 15-year-old self, yes, I would definitely tell him that men "need to have the confidence and put themselves out there. and still be a nice guy." I'd also be sure to tell him that women like sex.

Humor can be more effective and more fun than indignation. Good share. : ) nt rDigital Dec 2012 #1
Good for you! CaliforniaPeggy Dec 2012 #2
Oh wonderful, she made the creep laugh. boston bean Dec 2012 #4
I'm not looking for a fight. CaliforniaPeggy Dec 2012 #8
My take on the exchange, based on what the poster reported? MADem Dec 2012 #27
Yep, he should have showed respect, but he didn't........ mrmpa Dec 2012 #12
i do care about that guy arely staircase Dec 2012 #48
The post in not instructive imho. boston bean Dec 2012 #50
it is often when there is no onus on one that they rise above others arely staircase Dec 2012 #52
There should be no need to rise above that shit, is the point, imho. boston bean Dec 2012 #55
Thank you miss peggy............ mrmpa Dec 2012 #11
Why wouldn't it achieve anything in the long run? A complaint might be a starting point Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #18
sometimes humour is the most effective weapon. niyad Dec 2012 #3
weapon? TorchTheWitch Dec 2012 #25
Just shows how little you understand people nt Confusious Dec 2012 #33
Best defense is a good offense, I guess. nt Deep13 Dec 2012 #5
Good for you! I am glad you felt okay,but I am happier you are safe. hrmjustin Dec 2012 #6
My nephew Justin stopped over this evening.......... mrmpa Dec 2012 #13
Welcome hrmjustin Dec 2012 #14
I would have never had been this clever LeftInTX Dec 2012 #7
my sister (hey Buka!) is so good at this - laruemtt Dec 2012 #9
As long as you felt ok... one_voice Dec 2012 #10
I've never understood how guys can talk like that. white_wolf Dec 2012 #15
Yes, this is me, too. Jim Lane Dec 2012 #41
about 15 my son was having an issue with this. learning nice guys come in last. i was reading a seabeyond Dec 2012 #42
One more suggestion for your son. Jim Lane Dec 2012 #58
No, you're the good kind of person Dash87 Dec 2012 #56
Some men only know how to talk to women... NightOwwl Dec 2012 #16
+1 peacebird Dec 2012 #29
It's not a joke. And it's not ok. redqueen Dec 2012 #35
But telling them to fuck off or giving them the finger is? NightOwwl Dec 2012 #39
Why do you think women have to respond with anger? Simply ignoring works just fine. Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #45
I think you misunderstood my post. NightOwwl Dec 2012 #47
touche indeed! DLnyc Dec 2012 #17
What the ever loving fuck does this have to do with rape. Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #19
it doesn't - as the OP said TorchTheWitch Dec 2012 #20
I never said I thouught it was only about rape. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with rape... Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #38
This story makes no sense. You were flirting with him. He could have easily responded with... Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #21
If a nod and a hello is seen as flirting.............. mrmpa Dec 2012 #24
I am not talking about your nod and smile, I am talking about your verbal response... Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #36
+1 superpatriotman Dec 2012 #40
"Men will kill and die for women" Helen Reddy Dec 2012 #57
lol. well played. alphafemale Dec 2012 #22
I'm brilliant with devastating comebacks Ron Obvious Dec 2012 #23
Jesus, what an asshole and pig! I apologize for all men! n-t Logical Dec 2012 #26
God this is so fucking depressing. redqueen Dec 2012 #28
And she's humoring him Le Taz Hot Dec 2012 #30
Yep. Luminous Animal Dec 2012 #37
Do you believe men treat each other "with respect"? jeff47 Dec 2012 #46
I miss Unrec. Le Taz Hot Dec 2012 #31
What would have happened if you Helen Reddy Dec 2012 #32
Hmm ismnotwasm Dec 2012 #34
I would have given him "the look", snapped a picture of him with my cell phone, and then started Zorra Dec 2012 #43
Glad you're okay XanaDUer Dec 2012 #44
you seem like a very confident, and cool, person arely staircase Dec 2012 #49
You just encouraged that jerk to do it again. darkangel218 Dec 2012 #51
That's great if you felt safe. Chorophyll Dec 2012 #53
What is most important is that your response left you feeling empowered Blasphemer Dec 2012 #54
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