General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: I am female, a feminist and cannot tolerate rape or sexual comments, however.......... [View all]Jim Lane
(11,175 posts)It sounds as if he may not need it -- that he's much better adjusted than I was when I was young. But, in case it helps, I offer an insight that I had, many years after I should have.
It's not exactly something I learned. If you had asked me about it when I was 15, I would have said, "Of course." But I didn't really believe it, deep down. I would've been better off if I had.
Are you ready for the great insight that eludes some "nice guy" types?
Women like sex.
You can see why I said that, if asked about it at 15, I would have said, "Of course women like sex." It would be foolish to think otherwise. But it was one of those cases where you can know something intellectually but it just doesn't penetrate.
See, one effect of the double standard is that a boy, as he's growing into manhood, can pick up the idea that sex between a man and a woman is something she does for him. She doesn't enjoy it. Therefore, to want to have sex with her is asking her for a very big favor, and most people are a bit diffident about asking for very big favors under any circumstances. This inhibition goes beyond the obvious point (well, obvious to most of us) of not being obnoxious and offensive; it goes way too far in the direction of not wanting to offend or upset the woman, by assuming (though usually subconsciously) that even indicating any possibility of sexual interest will be offensive or upsetting to her.
My guess is that the double standard has weakened somewhat over the years, and that fewer men these days face this problem. Still, I think it persists. It's part of the reason for the idea that "Nice guys finish last" in love. Some of those nice guys implement their niceness by being super-careful not to make any advance that a woman might reject. A man who commits that error will never offend a woman by his overaggressiveness but will also have a well-below-average love life.
If I could go back and talk to my 15-year-old self, yes, I would definitely tell him that men "need to have the confidence and put themselves out there. and still be a nice guy." I'd also be sure to tell him that women like sex.