anyone ever faint?

[DesertFlower]

74. so sorry about your ex husband. i had an

ex who was not so nice either. we were married 2 years. my son was 22 months old and i got a call that he was arrested. to make a long story short, he did several armed robberies and went to prison for 2 years. we stayed together for 2 years after he got out, but then separated.

my 2nd husband was the complete opposite. was working for IBM for a year when we met. nicest guy -- wouldn't hurt a fly.

i've been anxious and a person who worries my whole life. when john was diagnosed with a brain tumor i asked my doc for ativan. i was getting panic attacks. i took it 3 times a day for a while but then weaned myself to 2 or 3 times a week. now i'm back to once a day.

i've been seeing a therapist who among other things does CBT. i'm isolated. i don't have friends here -- hard to make and keep friends when you have health problems. i have CFS/ME, IBS, herniated discs. several friends that i had years ago came down with health problems too. i have a few friends back in NYC. i feel crappy most of the time. i need a lot of sleep and get tired easily. used to love socializing, but also enjoyed my privacy. i do enjoy my own company, but also need some human interaction.

i was on anti-depressants for a while, but they made me nervous so i weaned myself off a few months ago.

i was definitely stressed when this happened the other night. i started to talk about seeing my husband alive for the last time and then seeing him dead. i was crying. i'm almost sure it was a combination of the stress, not feeling well, not eating enough. i have to make a point of eating even when i don't feel like it -- especially protein. i'm not a big meat eater and i don't eat cheese. i do drink boost but sometimes i feel like i'll barf it i drink it. i'm going to have to force myself to drink it everyday. today i brought home a rotisserie chicken and tried to eat as much as i could. the rest is in the refrigerator.

i went to sleep about 11:00 pm, but woke up at 12:40 and couldn't get back to sleep. that's why i'm up posting now. it's almost 2 am.