Dana Milbank: How Trump will remake the Fourth of July to his benefit

[dalton99a]

1. The rest:

The negative people in the District of Columbia objected to me taking over Independence Day, so I have declared July 4 a National Emergency, which allows me to pay for this party with money from the Pentagon. Instead of traditional fireworks, tonight we will be using tactical nuclear weapons. Why have them if you don’t use them?

As part of my National Emergency, I also declare that:

This place will now be called Trump National Mall Golf Club; I am speaking to you from the ninth green.

I will be throwing out the first pitch at next week’s All-Star Game in Cleveland; I will also be the starting pitcher.

I will be the halftime performer at next year’s Super Bowl.

I will be declared the winner of the Masters golf tournament.

My picture will be on the new $20 bill, and the American flag.

I will be replacing Adam Levine on “The Voice.”

House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy says I have constitutional authority to make all these changes.

Two-hundred-forty-three years ago, our forefathers put their John Hancocks on the Declaration of Independence, which under my emergency order will be displayed at Mar-a-Lago, with my signature added. The founders pledged to America their lives, fortunes and sacred honor, and tonight I inherit their fortunes. From the Trump International Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters and Spa by Ivanka, this land was made for me.

God bless America, and God bless me.