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19. House of Commons cafeteria runs out of knives

http://newsthump.com/2016/07/01/house-of-commons-cafeteria-runs-out-of-knives/

The House of Commons cafeteria has asked MPs if they’d mind returning the knives they currently have sticking out of their backs, as they’ve run out.

Saying there’s been ‘a bit of a rush’, catering workers are currently scouring the Houses of Parliament looking for MPs bodies from which they can retrieve their cutlery.

The carnage started yesterday when Michael Gove used a roughly-sharpened prison shiv to do over Boris Johnson, leading to a cascade of defenestrations and stabbings as the floodgates of years of pent up frustrations spilled out into open warfare. Michael Gove himself is understood to be currently desperately fending off a steak-knife-wielding Theresa May with a sandwich platter in the Pugin bar.

Meanwhile, heating engineers at the House have asked if Jeremy Corbyn would mind returning the boiler plate he’s currently got stuffed down the back of his jacket as it’s playing gyp with the thermostat.