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Mental Health Support

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Sunriser13

(612 posts)
Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:02 PM Apr 2020

I'm so tired. May I talk? [View all]

I'm tired.
I'm fed up.
The 'catch-22' of life gets ever more sure.

Yes. The plague may color my mood, but is not the reason for it. It's just more background noise.

I feel selfish when so many others have it so much worse than I do. I am grateful things aren't worse. I look and try to figure out how one becomes such a victim in her own mind, and know somehow it must be my own damn fault. But this is mine, for what it's worth.

Only child of only children - no living family, my mom died suddenly when I was 18, father might as well have, too. He left with his parents after the service. It was my first time ever being truly alone. Five months later, he remarried to a gold-digger who was horrified to not even find a copper under the sofa cushion - although she managed to get the mobile home and everything in it when they split up after less than 6 months - all there was left of a child's memories, and all the cherished belongings, including my mother's and mine. Grow up, kid. Life will now have its way with you.

Skipping past the too many years of meeting brick walls, being pushed off cliffs, poverty, homelessness, undeserved violence - but a life always, ultimately, lived alone. It's the shell that forms when one has finally gotten it through one's thick head that reaching out in trust for help does nothing but get one hurt - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially. Giving in trust is even worse.

Later in life, I found my soulmate. We were as happy as we could be with each other. We were different than others, but it was us, insular but together. I've been a widow for 9 years now. While I know he didn't mean to, he left me, too.

So, alone again, and still. Hibernation and isolation are good. Except when they aren't.

So this is hard. Really hard. I don't know if I can do it.

Pah! Had a bunch of details here, but erased them. They don't matter unless someone needs to know. Just a bunch of self-pitying life story bullshit.

I have RA, hypertension, reactive asthma and mild COPD. All established and diagnosed, and mostly untreated. But over the last year, I've had developing heart trouble including chest pains and breathlessness, and a developing neuropathy that affects both feeling and mobility (don't know the cause, unless RA progression).

No insurance, no Medicaid in this state, ACA no help (don't make enough), not healthy enough to work anymore, can't afford to get care to get healthy enough to work. Can't get disability, too young for Medicare, yadda, yadda, yadda...

I am here because I am going to die. Yeah, yeah, born to die, I know. But I know Covid-19 will kill me when I get it. Period. And except for leaving my three spoiled four-footed feline overlords, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

But I also don't know what to say. Write, erase. Write, erase. Write for an hour, on a groove, read it, snort in disgust, and erase, again. How do you get it out when you can't get it out? When you're convinced that revealing need in any meaningful way will just get you hurt again?

Sigh. God, this is so negative. I'm not even sure what I hope to accomplish by posting this incomplete screed.

I'm not going to erase it this time.

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I'm so tired. May I talk? [View all] Sunriser13 Apr 2020 OP
What, in life, gives you the most pleasure? ZZenith Apr 2020 #1
The cats. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #7
I'm glad you have them. ZZenith Apr 2020 #10
My heart goes out to you, my dear Sunriser13... CaliforniaPeggy Apr 2020 #2
Thank you, Peggy. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #9
I'm sorry to hear about all this. I wish there was something I could do. onecent Apr 2020 #3
Thank you! Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #11
Sorry things have been so ... sucky ... and for the loss of your soulmate ... mr_lebowski Apr 2020 #4
I've given myself migraines trying to figure out how to do that! Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #12
There is a way out of your lonliness and misery vlyons Apr 2020 #5
Somewhere, yes. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #14
You need to see a cardiologist vlyons Apr 2020 #32
I know I do. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #40
The ER hospital will have a cardiologist on staff vlyons Apr 2020 #46
No words, sending a virtual hug your way. LiberalBrooke Apr 2020 #6
Thanks. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #15
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, and going through..to be on your own asiliveandbreathe Apr 2020 #8
Trying to brave a reach Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #17
It may be hard but just think how much better you will feel reaching out,,you have been there for asiliveandbreathe Apr 2020 #20
I wish I could make your life better somehow. Make you feel less alone. LiberalLoner Apr 2020 #13
I sincerely thank you. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #36
How are you feeling today? I was thinking of you. LiberalLoner Apr 2020 #47
I'm here. Better... Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #48
Oh I love Penzey spices! LiberalLoner Apr 2020 #49
Oh, yeah! Forgot about sugar! Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #50
Hi! Hope you are feeling okay today! LiberalLoner Apr 2020 #52
No tornado, no tornado, no tornado! Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #53
Oh gosh thank you, I'm sorry I didn't answer sooner, LiberalLoner Apr 2020 #54
that was me last year, fersher. mopinko Apr 2020 #16
Don't you just wish we could all get together for a group hug..I am so impressed with your message asiliveandbreathe Apr 2020 #22
thx honey. so happy to have this tale to tell. mopinko Apr 2020 #39
Hugs and squishes! Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #43
I understand. Thank you for sharing. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #25
well, you just go ahead. mopinko Apr 2020 #38
Lack of family can be both a curse and a blessing. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #41
oh my. mopinko Apr 2020 #42
Hoping the coming spring and summer days will bring you the opportunity No Vested Interest Apr 2020 #18
This is a very late response, I needed to find something. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #37
You did well, sunriser, indeed finding the perfect picture... No Vested Interest Apr 2020 #45
So sorry to hear, Sunriser. 😢 SheltieLover Apr 2020 #19
Will be checking out your links! Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #27
Yaaaay! SheltieLover Apr 2020 #28
Free course: "J is for Journal" (Dr. Pennebaker) SheltieLover Apr 2020 #21
Great suggestions Kitchari Apr 2020 #23
TY. 😊 SheltieLover Apr 2020 #29
Agree Kitchari Apr 2020 #30
Absolutely! SheltieLover Apr 2020 #34
Just a word of support and hope for you Kitchari Apr 2020 #24
I'm so sorry vercetti2021 Apr 2020 #26
Much hug - thank you. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #31
Exactly vercetti2021 Apr 2020 #33
I just pilled my cat... I think. Sunriser13 Apr 2020 #35
oh god. ferrealz. mopinko Apr 2020 #44
No reason for you to get it, hon. cwydro Apr 2020 #51
Yes the isolation and hibernation is daunting bucolic_frolic Apr 2020 #55
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