Ask Auntie Pinko
March 21, 2002

Dear Auntie Pinko,

Can you please explain to me the shadow government and the secret organization inside the shadow government? What I've heard has really scared me.

Chris
Naperville, IL

Dear Chris,

Calm down. While there is reason to be concerned, there is no reason to panic. Republicans of various types have been immuring themselves in bunkers for nearly half a century now, and so far the casualties have been relatively limited.

The idea of the "shadow government" as it's been called, dates clear back to the Cold War, and its benevolent and practical purpose is to ensure that if someone Drops The Big One, Americans will still have some form of functioning government. Which would be a nice change, if you think about it.

Shame on me.

The specter of mass destruction is not a joke. Auntie Pinko has lived with it for most of a long and interesting life. And while I never really did think that curling up in a foetal position against the wall in an inside corridor was going to do much to save me from nuclear annihilation, it was just a teeny bit comforting to think that if I was in one of the areas where They Missed, there would be someone in charge, sort of.

So I don't have any quarrel with the concept. And given the very reasonable worry that unfriendly people with suitcases full of Instant Death might manage to get perfectly legal INS visas any day now, it's still a good concept.

Of course, the execution leaves a little something to be desired. After all, these plans were formulated nearly fifty years ago. Given evolution of communications technology and every other form of technology since then, I'm sure they're due for a bit of updating. Stashing a bunch of Washington-based bureaucrats in glorified fallout shelters on the mid-Atlantic coast seems like a relatively primitive solution, now.

In short, Auntie Pinko agrees that having a few contingency plans clearly articulated and ready to roll is a darn good idea.

However.

Auntie Pinko also wonders just how "ready" such plans really need to be. The Kennedy Administration, at the height of the Cold War, in the face of nuclear brinksmanship that had the whole world sweating profusely, felt no need to deploy its "shadow government," beyond the simple dissemination of the plan, designation of duties, and maintenance of the facilities. Why then is it that Mr. Bush's Administration feels a full-dress rollout is a must in the face of a threat that looks, well, I have to say pretty feeble, compared to the thousands of warheads the Soviet Union had locked onto American targets?

Is it just that they're belt-and-suspenders type folks?

Or is there really a "shadow within a shadow," as some journalists are picturesquely expressing it?

If so, Chris, I wouldn't worry too much about your personal physical safety. Given the track record of this Administration's key membership, I doubt that their agenda has any real strategic or military geopolitical purpose. They're probably just using the cover of secrecy surrounding "National Security" to do what they've always done best-enrich their bank accounts and their friends' at the expense of the rest of us.

And we're used to that.

Hope this reassures you a little, Chris, and thanks for asking Auntie Pinko!

View Auntie's Archive

Do you have a question for Auntie Pinko?

Do political discussions discombobulate you? Are you a liberal at a loss for words when those darned dittoheads babble their endless rhetoric at you? Or are you a conservative who just can't understand those pesky liberals and their silliness? Auntie Pinko has an answer for everything! So ask away!