Why I hate Mother's Day

[zippy890]

It celebrates the great lie about women: That those with children are more important than those without

Ann Lamont - Salon

I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother's Day. I didn't want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some annual display of gratitude that you have to grit your teeth and endure. Perhaps Mother's Day will come to mean something to me as I grow even dottier in my dotage, and I will find myself bitter and distressed when Sam dutifully ignores the holiday. Then he will feel ambushed by my expectations, and he will retaliate by putting me away even sooner than he was planning to — which, come to think of it, would be even more reason to hate Mother's Day.

But Mother's Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman's path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is, sadly, true. An unhealthy mother's love is withering.

The illusion is that mothers are automatically happier, more fulfilled and complete. But the craziest, grimmest people this Sunday will be the mothers themselves, stuck herding their own mothers and weeping children and husbands' mothers into seats at restaurants. These mothers do not want a box of chocolate. These mothers are on a diet.

I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See's. There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums. Even the turn-off-your-cellphone announcer is going to open by saying, "Happy Mother's Day!" You could always hide in a nice seedy bar, I suppose. Or an ER.

more at
http://www.salon.com/life/mothers_day/index.html?story=/mwt/feature/2010/05/08/hate_mothers_day_anne_lamott

sums up my feelings exactly

[DrDan]

1. bah humbug . . .

[Demeter]

9. I Would Be Much More Graphic

no doubt due to all the diapers I changed....

[zazen]

2. ditto n/t

[uppityperson]

3. Don't need to spend money, nice to be reminded to tell Mom you appreciate her

So often we do not take the time to tell our mothers that we appreciate them and it is nice to have an annual reminder to do so. Doesn't mean you need to spend money (rather like christmas) but as a reminder.

It also doesn't mean women with children are more important, but rather that each of us is here because we had a mother of some sort.

[demosincebirth]

10. Also, carrying a child for nine month and giving birth is no easy task. This from

a father who helped(sort of)raise four kids. God bless all mothers...they need a day they can be appreciated.

[monmouth]

4. Good grief! I like flowers, chocolate, lunch and think of my mother

every day. It makes my sons feel good so that's fine with me. Bah humbug is right.

[katandmoon]

5. K&R

[Captain Hilts]

6. Because people have lost mothers, no one should celebrate?!?! I don't care for the day, but

not for that reason.

[Lil Missy]

7. That's balony. There are a lot of "special" days, like teachers, boss, etc.

[proteus_lives]

8. Some people love to eat ashes.

[PurpleChez]

40. Hah! Proper!

Thanks for the best of all the replies I've read!

[Warpy]

11. My mother was ill equipped for the job, but she did better than her mother

Still, all she knew were the chilly, typically Irish methods of childrearing, sad enough when one's heart is fully in it. She's gone and I miss her great sense of humor and her political wisdom. The world is a much poorer place without her and would be just as sad as I am every Mother's Day if they knew.

I realized my own non maternal nature when I was a child, preferring to build doll houses than play with the stupid dolls inside them. I am one of those non mothers on an equally difficult path. At least nurses get a whole week of lip service, though, rather than one day of burned breakfast and lunch in a diner, often served by a mother for whom the holiday is a sick joke.

Mothers do make sacrifices that the rest of us don't, however, sacrificing youth, health, sleep, career, finances, and many other things to prepare the next generation of citizens to enter the wide world out there. It's nice that they've been given some recognition.

I would suggest, however, that most mothers might be better served with gift certificates for things like housework or a trip to a spa, certificates to be cashed in at her convenience, not her family's convenience.

That would mean a hell of a lot more than a Hallmark and box of See's.

[dkf]

12. I'm excited that I get to take my mom to a beautiful beachfront restaurant for brunch.

Prime rib, suckling pig, eggs benedict. Yummmmm. My sister who is also a mom can't wait to go either. We know our Mom will love watching the ocean from under a big ole shady banyan tree.

[DesertRat]

16. That sounds delightful

I hope you have a nice time. :)

[DesertFlower]

13. my mom lived in SC and i live in phoenix.

i usually sent her a card and a check, but one year she was here visiting. i took her to costco and then to the miracle mile deli for a pastrami sandwich. she said "this is the best mother's day i've ever had".

[DesertRat]

15. How sweet

Spending the day with you was the best present. :hug:

[HysteryDiagnosis]

14. Could change it to women's day.... or not. Women who are not

secretaries prolly don't feel tread upon on when that day rolls around.

[Happyhippychick]

17. Oh please...let's not have any celebrations whatsoever since some will be miserable about it.

[kimmerspixelated]

19. Love yer Tiger!

[Happyhippychick]

35. Thanks! Feel free to borrow...I did!

[kimmerspixelated]

18. I support your right to say what you feel, however, I don't exactly

agree with all of what you express. I have missed my Mom-passed on for many years, at times resented having to do something for my M-I-Law but I surely got over that. WHen I became a mother, I thought it was a great joy to have another day where someone appreciated me, where I was pampered a bit. The homemade cards, the first time she learned to walk and waddled in holding a card...well your heart just melts! Women who are not mothers have my respect totally, but they also have a lot more time on their hands to pamper themselves, ya, know?

[pnwmom]

20. No, it doesn't imply that mothers are more important than non-mothers.

It simply is a chance for children to recognize their own mothers and grandmothers. Nothing wrong with that.

Any woman who isn't a mother DID have one. Or a mother substitute. So the day is for all of us.

[bonnieS]

21. As a non-mother I invite

you to google the day and find out how it started--as an anti-war holiday. No flowers, gifts, etc. Everything in this society is co-opted into commercialism.

Any thoughts on Father's Day?

[netania99]

34. Here's what I found with a google search

Here's a link to Julia Ward Howe's anti-war proclamation, which was the basis of the holiday in the US:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother%27s_Day_Proclamation



Also, according to this article, Mother's Day has its roots in the celebration of goddesses.

http://www.mothersdaycentral.com/about-mothersday/history/

[shedevil69taz]

22. Last year I paid for my wife and a friend of hers

who doesn't have children to go to a spa all day while I watched the kids and cleaned the house.

I don't ever let her do everything around the house by herself anyway, just on that day I try to do more.

[nolabear]

23. Oh Puh-leez. First, it's "Anne Lamott" not Ann Lamont. Second,

she's made a cottage industry of motherhood. Her book "Operating Instructions" is one of the most popular gifts given to new mothers. She writes about her relationship with Sam incessantly, and very well, I might add.

Imho, we need more celebrations, not fewer. Hell, invent "Non-Breeders' Day" if you like, and I'll happily lead the parade and make the first martini.

[struggle4progress]

24. What's wrong with saying thank you to your mother? After giving birth,

she probably helped feed, clothe, and shelter you for thousands and thousands of days

[AnneD]

25. I count myself lucky ......

that Mom is still alive. She had me when she was 18 and we are close. I call her once a week minimum and we talk sometimes for hours. She was with me during my most difficult parenting moments. She always assures me that I am doing fine when I am concerned. She was a good example to me, as I hope to be for my daughter.

Women are not give their due and mothers certainly not. Priceless is not the equivalent to worthless. So tomorrow I will call Mom, visit my ex Mother in law ( because her son is a toad) and bring her some flowers. A small token of my respect.

[salguine]

26. I hate pieces like this. Not all women are mothers, so the ones who are don't deserve

their special day? Ann Lamont can kiss my ass. I sent my Mom flowers, and will call her tomorrow.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

27. as one who is not impressed by parturition

I give this the KnR. Apparently, however, a lot of people are offended by anything that goes against the cloying schmaltz over maternity.


I have ALWAYS hated the de facto assumption that ALL women are obsessed with babies and pleased as punch to spend their days in the brain-numbing company of children. So insulting to our individuality and intellect. Those of us who don't fit the stereotype might as well not exist.

Having kids always seemed to me like a great way for women to derail any personal goals and dreams, throwing your life away so you can be an unappreciated servant .... But then, I never had that all-consuming urge to breed. I absolutely don't get why so many women can't wait to ruin their lives this way. :shrug:

and Mother's Day always impressed me about like tipping a servant 10 bux and a pat on the head, after a year of non-stop slavery-- Like Secretary's Day, a kind of over-sentimentalized pittance, because we all know women won't notice countless hours of low or unpaid drudgework, as long as we get a sappy Hallmark card once a year.

[nolabear]

28. Well, there is this "survival of the species" thing. I realize some aren't in favor of it

but I am.

And I've also spent many years studying human development. We are astonishing in our complexity and in the way we develop into people, largely in relationship to the way we interact with our mothers (or primary caregivers). Unless you have a real prejudice against it, it can be anything but brain numbing.

Motherhood doesn't subjugate women. Sadly, we live in a world where it's not appreciated enough to be made part of a fulfilling, productive and exciting life without a lot of effort and struggle, and that causes us a world of trouble. But babies? Babies rock.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

29. My perspective differs from yours.

Celebrate diversity!



by the way, at over 7 billion people ( http://www.ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop ), I just don't buy that "survival of the species" line. We've gone way past that survival thing; we're now into overpopulating ourselves to death territory.




as far as human development and interaction with our mothers goes, yes, I know a lot about that. Mine was a severe example of Borderline Personality Disorder, the violent witch/pathetic waif the most frequent manifestations, so I come by my less than rosy view of motherhood by experience.

Idealizing motherhood and, most annoying of all, the implication that ALL women must be cut from the same cloth just doesn't work for me.

[DonCoquixote]

31. de facto assumption

I can appreciate that you do not want to be a mother. That is your right, and yes, a woman, or a man for that matter, should not be made to feel they are less worthy just because they did not breed. However, for those who are mother, married to mothers, or had mothers (which pretty much covers all of us, even the test tube babies) taking a day to celebrate mothers does not automatically equal a "sick joke".

[Ex Lurker]

30. well, be that as it may...

I'm taking my mom out to lunch tomorrow, and we're gonna have a nice time.

[jules1962]

32. As a 47 year old that has never had children

I would never feel resentment or like a failure because I couldn't have children. Irrelevant to me. Just like when someone asks me if I have kids and I tell them "No,I couldn't have them". They automatically say "I'm so sorry". I just laugh and say "Tell me that when your kids are teenagers". Breaks the ice and gets a laugh out of them. Do not pity me. I am a confident,fulfilled mom to two beautiful rescued Golden Retrievers. I am not so shallow that I would begrudge someone else to have their much deserved time in the spotlight. Kudos to all Moms. I have a great one too!:grouphug:

[whatwasthequestion]

37. Sums it up for me

"I am not so shallow that I would begrudge someone else to have their much deserved time in the spotlight. Kudos to all Moms. I have a great one too!"

[UpInArms]

33. whether you have children? oh, silly me! I thought it was about having a "mother"

and that person writing it must have hated hers.

[Daveparts still]

36. Oh Please,

like celebrating Mother with a Hallmark card is some societal swipe at non-mothers. Some grand conspiracy to make non-mothers feel bad perhaps? Of course if it's from Salon it is usually crap. Take Glenn Greenwald and throw the rest away.

[Old Troop]

38. Sorry. My mom died years ago.

Alone in her house while I was on vacation. I found her when I returned. I wish I could have had one more Mothers Day with her.

[scarletwoman]

39. Apparently, Ann Lamont was found under a cabbage leaf or dropped by a stork down the chimney.

Most of the rest of us, I assume, had mothers. But obviously it's all about HER, and HER resentments.

What a pathetic, self-centered whine.