If Bush captained the Titanic

[Jo March]

Worried crew member: Captain Bush, sir, it appears that we've hit an iceberg."

Captain Bush: Thank you.

Sits for 7 minutes. Water begins to flood the "water tight" compartments. Captain Bush remains seated, looking stunned and stupid.

Worried crew member: Um, sir? Are you going to do something?

Captain Bush: I am thinking. I'm getting my thoughts together.

Captain Bush then proceeds to write a thank you letter to his sponsors at the White Star line, thanking them for their support of his captaining the ship.

20 minutes later....

Worried crew member: Sir? Sir? The ship is taking on water at an alarming rate. Are you listening, sir? Sir?

To be continued by other DUers...

[RobertSeattle]

1. And asked after the disaster...

"Knowing what you know NOW, would you have stayed on the same course?"

[Jo March]

6. "Of course I would have stayed the course!" he replied

"See, your looking at the number of people who died. I say that... that that's... that that's living in the past. The lifeboats descended... deployed... um, dropped down and people were in them and they were floating. And they were saved. See, I'm a captain who stays the course.

Nobody wants to be the disaster captain. That iceburg attacked us. I want to be the good floating on the ocean captain."

[RobertSeattle]

14. If I would have avoided the Iceberg - then the Icebergs would have WON!

:evilgrin:

[Jo March]

20. LOL!!! n/t

[Goldmund]

2. Rummy and Perle enter the cabin

"Sir, I don't think we'll have to deal with the holes in the hull. What we must do right now is build a casino on the ship."

[the Kelly Gang]

3. he would have been first into the lifeboats

[havocmom]

4. He wouldn't have hit the iceberg

cuz he is never in the correct place and always goes in the wrong direction.

Can see him grounding her on a tropical island with low taxes or on the shore of some oil rich state in the area once known as Persia though...

Also, there would be no children and women in any lifeboats. No room after all the fat cats loaded up.

[yardwork]

5. W wouldn't have captained the Titanic

He's never held an effective job in his life. He was AWOL from military service. He would never have qualified for the job of captain of a rowboat, much less an ocean liner.

[Jo March]

10. That's why he was writing the White Star line

Someone pulled some strings to get him his job (much like his real life). We know that he never would have been able to get a job washing dishes on the ship if not for a few well-placed family members! ;)

[rkc3]

7. We did not run into an iceberg, it was a pre-emptive strike on a ...

known enemy of freedom. One that, if it continued on its course, would have brought peril to other ships in the North Atlantic.

Our actions this evening, despite the loss of several thousand brave souls, will surely save several thousand more passengers on their home to a braver, brighter, more secure America. An America where non citizen will be forced to live under the shadow of fear brought forth by this menace.

(Of course, there's no way in hell georgie could be that eloquent.

[Jo March]

16. "That iceberg contianed WMD," said Captain Bush

"I hate that all of those brave folks had to die to defend the country against the iceberg but God told me to ram it and I rammed it and I stayed the course. See, nobody questions a captain who avoids the icebergs and brings the entire crew and people on the ship - the passen, passen - the people who are travelling - home safely.

Other captains worry about a few thousand people who may have known that the WMDs were in that iceberg. We won't know. But I stayed the course. I'm a stay the course kind of captain."

[rkc3]

19. Apparently we had some faulty intelligence.

In the heat of the moment we rammed the iceberg with the expectation that it had WMDs. Now we have learned that it did not have WMD.

Am I sorry we rammed it? Did I make a mistake? Let me ask you a question. Did the iceberg, or the other icebergs think twice about sinking other ships in the area? No they did not. Look. The iceberg did not have WMD, but they had the capability to make WMD. We rammed them (on God's orders) and the North Atlantic is safer today.

I mean, how many icebergs have sunk ships since our attack? That's right. None. This is proof our policies are working.

[ET Awful]

8. The sinking never would have made the newspapers . . .

It would have been quietly ignored.

[Jo March]

13. How can we spin that? Hmm....

Fifteen hundred suspected terrorists were detained permenantly in the Atlantic Ocean prison today. These terrorists were all the second-highest ranking members of Al-Quieda.

"Today's, um, detainment proves that our war on terra is working," Rumsfeld said to reporters. "Captain Bush is a brave, brave man."

[ET Awful]

21. They'd say the iceberg was a small skiff piloted by terrorists. . .

n/t

[Tyler Durden]

9. He'd have crashed it into the DOCK.

[NervousRex]

11. He would have declared war on icebergs....

then attacked Tahiti.

[Jo March]

18. Nah, he'd still attack Iraq n/t

[Bronco69]

12. bush* to worried crew member:

"Quick! Start filling bottles and selling them to the passengers as souvenirs, this is going to be huge!"

[leeman67]

15. he says to that iceberg, "Bring it on!"

:p

[mzmolly]

17. Bush to Rumsfeld "get me the dingy thingy .. quick!"

"Oh and remember to put food on the families."
Adios'"

Faux news coverage:

Thus, the brave captain Bush sailed off into the moonlight, waving politely with a wink and a smirk. He felt the least he could do was remain calm for the passengers, for he knew, they weren't so lucky. It was the compassion within that allowed this great man to remain composed as the cool wind off the pacific chilled him to the bone. Shuddering from the icey breeze he exclaimed, "Ahhh, I'm goin to git some help, I'll be right back folks, heh heh"

And, after stealing many of the riches of the passengers in order to survive, he lived a comfortable life in seclusion, never to be discovered, on the island of Tahiti. :P

[Mad_Dem_X]

29. "Dingy thingy" - LOL

"Put food on your family" has got to be one of the funniest Bushisms ever.

[BringEmOn]

22. It's Bill Clinton's fault

[kcwayne]

23. He would have reserved the life rafts for himself

and told the stewards to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and trust in Jesus.

[soothsayer]

24. Hey, we've got ice! Now where's muh bourbon? n/t

[skygazer]

25. Actually that WAS Bush

in a former life. Disaster hit, chaos and confusion reigned supreme, there was no plan or order, and thousands died. Yup, another day at the office.........

[Q3JR4]

26. That damn Clinton,

him and his preoccupation with green house gases. There would be no ice berg and the people who died today wouldn't have if he'd have just let those trustful corporations do there thing.

It's all his fault.

[mark414]

28. what clinton REALLY did

was not focus enough on icebergs. he was too busy getting a blowjob to take any real action on this grave threat.

also, his socialist policies weakened the moral of our iron workers, who in turn were unable to produce the quality of iron that they had before. this weaker iron cause the ship to open up more easily.

[Jo March]

27. Thanks, DUers!

I may take all of these and write a short story for my website.

You guys are the freaking greatest!

[ochazuke]

30. My Version

First of all, he wouldn't have been the Captain, he would have been the owner of the White Star Lines. That's the guy who dressed up as a woman and sneaked aboard a lifeboat (at least in the movie version I recall).

After hearing about the ship's condition, bush would have reflected on what a stain this would be on his reputation, then tried to find the Capt. to convince him to increase speed in order to make the crossing in record time, but he would try to convince everyone that the speed would keep the ship afloat -- kinda like hyroplaning or something.

In the lifeboat, after the sinking, bush's solitude is interrupted by a heroic young man rescuing drowning victems from his speedy boat. After filling up that boat, the young man jumps aboard bush's boat and says "we can do better! This one's only half full." As the young man starts to save even more lives, bush crys out to his employee at the bow of the boat to attack the young man. He employee (2nd to bush on the lifeboat) yells "go f*** yourself" to the young man". Bush exclaims "not THAT kind of attack!" and whacks the young man with his oar, at which point bush (ignroing the science involved...every action has an equal and opposite reaction) falls over backward into the water and dies, having failed to learn how to swim. (He learned how to fly instead.)

[Zorra]

31. Bu$h would never have hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic.

He would have gone off course, and sailed to Antartica, where the boat would run out of fuel. The passengers on the boat would have then starved or frozen to death as the ship ran aground onto the frozen wastelands.

All during this time, Bu$h would be reassuring the passengers that they were better off under his leadership, and almost half of them would believe him up until they died.

[Vickers]

32. "Women and children...START BAILING!"

:P

[Endangered Specie]

33. The life boats are reserved for FIRST class ONLY!

[Retrograde]

34. The lifeboats are reserved for party donors!

And no one gets in without signing a loyalty oath first!


True fact: the Titanic carried more lifeboats than required by British Maritime regulations at the time.

[Endangered Specie]

36. yup, it had 20 instead of the required 16...

it was super safe... Ill bet bush's titanic would have had half that.

[greekspeak]

35. The ship would never have left the dock

He would have steered it into the mooring and sank it right in harbor. But cute metaphor with the Titanic.

[progdonkey]

37. he would've done something...

..but he was afraid of scaring the baby penguins that had fallen onto the deck from the iceberg. What would you expect him to do? Run out of there as if his hair were on fire? :eyes: