The TRUE story of Jesus H. Christ

[noahmijo]

Since all of you athesists and non-believers are all going to perish in the fires of the inferno I thought you should know why.


Jesus Harrison Christ was born the second son of God (The first one in a fit of anger told his father "fuck this shit I'm not dying for the sins of a pack of pinheads I never even met!") so the first son "Schloma" packed up and moved to Florida to become the first "surgery-less" plastic surgeon where he misled the Jewish people in a major election but that's another story.

Okay so the second son of God "Jesus" was born in Texas by all white all American parents who had Mexican neighbors who told them that they thought the name "Jesus" would sound cool.

Jesus then proceeded to tell the people that they must hate gays, people of any color other than a bleach like beige, and they must all shop at Wal-Mart especially at Christmas time because we all know nothin honors the birthday of Jesus like a singing fish and a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for your 7 year old. (Note Jesus demands you blame the video game company for why your 7 year old will later turn into a 35 year old inmate of Fulsom Prison) Also it's your fault too for not putting in more than a $20 bill in the collection plate.



(I am so going to hell for this bit)

Anyone care to add?


PS This is not meant to offend DU'ers who subscribe to the faith and teachings of Christ.

I myself am sort of a lapse Catholic who holds the teachings of Jesus Christ to the highest pillar, however I just despise what organized religion has done to Jesus and to the country.

Hence take this silly bit as just a shot at the radical right and what I think is their pespective on Christ.

[babylonsister]

1. Yes, I'll add a hearty chuckle. And you most likely will go to

hell. :evilgrin: I'll see you there!

[noahmijo]

3. Alright I'll see you on the bus with Leary and Scorcese

We're gonna be seated next to The Bay City Rollers and Journey

(And I happen to LOVE Journey and I'll still make a joke involving them!)

[babylonsister]

4. When the lights go down in the city... love it! nt

[A HERETIC I AM]

2. All i care to add is.............

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[beam me up scottie]

5. I'M SAVED !!!

I BELIEVE !

I BELIEVE !!!

[NAO]

6. Jesus H. had many past lives: Attis, Adonis, Osiris, Mithras, Vishnu, etc

...or so he was told by his New Age Channeler/stripper girlfriend. Apparently everything that he had thought had happened to him in his life had already happened to him in one of his previous incarnations.

The poor guy tried to clear things up by studying history, comparative mythology, and worst of all, philosophy.

Last time he was heard from, he was no longer sure if he even exited, or if he was just a composite fantasy dreamed up by millions of deluded dreamers, and capitalized on by legions of greedy black-collar criminals.

[newspeak]

98. you forgot

dionysius

[countmyvote4real]

7. That's SO David Cross. Good job. eom

[NAO]

8. Jesus H. had many past lives: Attis, Adonis, Osiris, Mithras, Vishnu, etc

...or so he was told by his New Age Channeler/stripper girlfriend. Apparently everything that he had thought had happened to him in his life had already happened to him in one of his previous incarnations.

The poor guy tried to clear things up by studying history, comparative mythology, and worst of all, philosophy.

Last time he was heard from, he was no longer sure if he even exited, or if he was just a composite fantasy dreamed up by millions of deluded dreamers, and capitalized on by legions of greedy black-collar criminals.

[Aristus]

9. I'm a Christian......

and I think that's hilarious! :rofl::spray::rofl:

[noahmijo]

11. Well I'm glad you got it

Sometime I shall write the true story of the 12th prophet whom although the Shia' believe is to be the second coming of Ali what they don't know is that Ali has already come but has become a cranky cab driver in North Brooklyn.

He has a tendency to tell customers "Hey fuck you my man I once stood down an entire army and lived to tell about it so you better fork over more than 25 cents for putting up with your uptight eastside ass otherwise I call my uncle Mohammed to get 7th century on a your ass!!"


Hey you know just gotta balanced to ensure my status as an equal opporutnity offender :)

I just really had to make myself laugh tonight, I really really probably picked the wrong venue for it, but oh well it'll be worth it if the bums at CU post this stuff on their "Worst of DU" and take what I say as gospel....actually the bobbleheads over there will probably be wondering if I do autographs :)

[wmills551]

74. Gee your a Christian who thinks classism is hilarious

Kind of the same as a Christian who thinks racism is hilarious.

[beam me up scottie]

10. Dude this is so nominated!

:applause:

[proud2BlibKansan]

12. Save me a seat in hell

There is surely a special section for us lapsed Catholics.

:hi:

[noahmijo]

13. You know I have a little question for you

The truth is although I do not subscribe to being a practicing Catholic I have no shame telling people that I was baptized Catholic and citing it as part of my upbringing and culture, I still chat with my old priest now and then (hey he is an awesome guy) I might even attend services once and awhile (My girlfriend still considers herself a Catholic albeit a very progressive one) and I still get infuriated on behalf of Catholics when that bastard Rev Jed Smock rolls into town to preach hatred against Catholics as well as anyone who isn't exactly like him and his neo-nazi family.

But the thing is it's not something I shove on others and as far as the mystical beliefs of the church I find them fascinating yet I can't say that I completely believe in them you know the mythological aspect of it all.

Plus overall I've come to just really despise organize religion of ANY kind.

Does that sound weird? I dunno why but I suspect alot of "lapse" Catholics know where I am coming from.

[immoderate]

14. Irony.

That not buying the mythology is thought of as abnormal.

Kind of the opposite of everything else. Just sayin'.:shrug:

--IMM

[proud2BlibKansan]

15. I understand completely

It's called Catholic guilt. I think they gave it to us in an IV as children.

Pull out that needle! Don't stare into the light. Walk away slowly and don't look back.

[bleedingheart]

80. another lapsed catholic...

and I have one more kid who really should be going to communion prep classes...but....I have been really needing sleep on Sundays and not a sermon on who to vote for...

[MarsThe Cat]

16. gandhi said it best-

i like your christ, but I do not like your christians- they are not at all like your christ...

[wmills551]

76. Because it is OK to bunch all Christians together

Just like it is OK to bunch all Muslims and Jews together. It is called religious intolerance.

[hyphenate]

101. I don't think so

not around DU. We tend to castigate only those on the radical religious right, who rightly deserve whatever we throw at them. There are too many on the RRR who think too much like Fred Phelps, too many who think that unless you're Christian you are going to hell regardless, and too many who think that they are god's chosen people.

We might make fun of religion in this context, but we have a lot more tolerance of opinion than those hypocrites on the right. We find it worse to say you're a Christian, and then try to convert every person around you that isn't one, than to let everyone worship or believe whatever they want to believe, even if they only choose to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's everyone's choice, and it SHOULD NOT be dictated by the freaking government at ANY rate.

And it's just everyone's personal opinion here, anyhow. If people don't like another's opinion, there is no reason to answer it just because it's not the same opinion. The ability to agree or to disagree is one of the personal freedoms which is hanging over the edge of the abyss, and if the idiot in chief and his disciples and handlers had their way, we'd all be shipped off to the archipelago for disagreeing with them.

[wmills551]

105. So here at DU we only castigate the deserving

Aren't we so GD special. It is not ok to make fun of a person's class or religion. you can rationalize it all you want.

[FM Arouet666]

17. LOL, that was worth a ticket to the fiery depths of hell.....

See you there, I will be the one wearing the pointy horns and red tail. I wish fundies could step back and see their misguided religion in the eyes of a non-believer. A selfish desire for an afterlife clouds the fundamentalists mind, blinding him from the circus made of the christian religion.

An eternity in heaven with a bunch of fundies, no thanks I will gladly go to the other place. :evilgrin:

[Straight Shooter]

18. Another DU'er once told me that the "H." stands for Hallmark.

Because God cares enough to send the very best.

Very funny line: ...Mexican neighbors who told them that they thought the name "Jesus" would sound cool. :D

[McKenzie]

19. The teachings of Jesus were bastardised

He was a follower of the Nazarene tradition which was very different to what the Roman Church promoted. His teachings were akin to socialism. Moreover, the Roman Church wrote women out of history by relegating them from their position of equals to secondary roles in society. Until the philosophy of the Nazarene tradition was stifled, women acted in priestly roles and held important positions in society.

The Roman Church promoted the teachings of Peter and Paul which were essentially sexist and authoritarian. The teachings of Jesus, which were largely ignored by the Roman Church, were drawn from Nazarene principles of equality and compassion.

Christianity is a composite religion, the real meaning of which has been subsumed by dogma designed to further the agenda of the patriarchal, Roman Church. In fact, the Koran terms followers of Christ as "Nazara", a word which means "keepers" or "guardians". Christ was only a follower of an already established tradition.

There is much more that we could discuss about the bastardisation of Christianity. This is not the place. Suffice it to say Jesus might not have been divine but his teachings were certainly as far removed from right wing views as it is possible to get. Right wingnutz can find that out for themselves by researching the issues properly...by ignoring the bastardised gospels for a start.

I am not a Christian but the teachings of Christ are something any progressive could identify with; irrespective of whether they believe or not.

<edit>grammar/spelling

[noahmijo]

22. I think all organized religion is just a composite of other beliefs

Not being able to draw up all 20,000 pages of the origins of religion and rituals but I mean essentially starting with those that worshipped Venus and the sun and then somewhere between different mythological gods who were half breed animals to then in Europe the Zoroastrians (which from what I understand was the first form of worship that involved a god and moral principals such as objectivity to evil and regard to human life and dignity) sometime in 7th or 10th BC then on and on somewhere I guess Paganism found its way into Catholicism and I do believe that Emperor Constantine didn't really take the teachings of Jesus when he constructed the Roman Catholic Church (Although some may argue that pouring molten lead down the throats of those who let their daughters be seduced is sooooooo 300 AD)

As far as most of the "big" organized religions go overall you can't help but notice that for the most part they take large cues from Judaism and Paganism. I personally believe Catholicism even takes a little from the practice of Voodoo (it's the saints) but ultimately Islam, Christianity, it seems to stem from Old Testament thinking.

So I guess the answer is just throw em all in a hat and pick one and hope it's the winner otherwise you'll find youself in a very hot place as opposed to a hot joint with 7 virgins :)

[newspeak]

104. I'm with you!

it's amazing how "bastardized" Yeshua's teachings became through the ages. It is dogma--Paul, or Saul of Tarsus, Constantine, Peter--then mis-translation-forgeries in the new testament which Bishop Iraneous admitted to. Texts that have been excluded because it didn't fit into Rome's idealogy. But, you have some people that actually take the english translation of the bible literally without even studying how the Bible was created.

[Freedomfried]

20. Not me, I never make fun of other peoples superstitious beliefs

not the way to make friends

[beam me up scottie]

21. You so funneh.

:evilgrin:

[YOY]

23. Join the club

"I myself am sort of a lapse Catholic who holds the teachings of Jesus Christ to the highest pillar, however I just despise what organized religion has done to Jesus and to the country."

Making fun of the "Jeebillies" is one of my favorite things. Nothing wrong with it!

If I could sing like MJ I would: "YOO ARE NOT ALOOOONE"

[noahmijo]

24. Yea you can tell this was directed at the "Wal-Mart Christians"

Steal that term if you want I just made it up but I hope to get it spread :)

But yea I don't poke fun at those who claim to subscribe to teachings of Jesus and say he is (was) their role model......just understand I'll call you out if I see you engaging in Falwell like behavior instead of going down to the mission to feed the poor!

[YOY]

83. I will indeed use it

I use "Jeebillies" in the same way you use "Wal-Mart Christians" ...we'll swap.

[Hekate]

25. Jesus is Irish: the H is for "Himself"

;-)

But I never did figure out why my dad would sometimes blurt out "Christ on a crutch!!"

Hekate

[Usrename]

29. Christ on a trailer hitch

One of the funniest DU pics I ever saw. Up there with HUGH MORAN. Wish someone would repost that pic (from Camp Casey?). Worth a 1000 words at least. Should have it's own Wikipedia entry (just checked and it's not there. :()

[progressoid]

42. HERE YA GO!

[beam me up scottie]

43. Thank you!

I have been looking for that since I lost everything on my hard drive!
:hi:

[noahmijo]

48. Oh man and a couple people on here said I was offensive

This is offensive even to my eyes talk about mockery, but it is truly fitting; these bastards would crucify Christ and drag him from the back of an SUV..

[Usrename]

60. Thanks progressoid,

I see the "Christ on a trailerhitch" phrase on other boards and I'm not sure it carries the same meaning if you haven't seen it.
Yup, tru bleevers!

[progressoid]

65. I think that is the Terry Schiavo crowd in the background.

The second best pic from that circus was from a highschool kid. He joined the crowd with a sign that read "I'm an idiot" (or maybe "We're idiots"?).

I'm not sure which was funnier; The huge grin on his face or one of the bleevers giving him a confused look. Priceless. I wonder if she ever figured out that he was mocking them.

He exceeded his limit at Photobucket because so many sites, including DU, were showing it!

[akarnitz]

79. Rad new X sport: Crucifix Skiing

Can't believe I missed that pic before. Made me do a spit-take!:spray:

[Hekate]

119. OMG that's awful. He looks like he's about to be launched

:rofl: <wiping tears>

I'm not usually caught off guard like that. This thing was at Camp Casey?! Who would do such a thing?

<trying to regain self-control here>

Hekate


On edit: No, really, I'm sorry I laughed. Dear Goddess, what were these people thinking?!

[beam me up scottie]

120. No, actually

it was in Florida for the Schiavo circus.

Don't you love how pasty white and hairless he is?

"launched"
bwahahahahahahahaha!

[BIG Sean]

26. Man..the hate on here is scary sometimes...

"PS This is not meant to offend DU'ers who subscribe to the faith and teachings of Christ."

Bullshit.

Write the same story about Martin Luther King, and then put "PS This is not meant to offend DU'ers who are African American"..You would get flamed away.

The "right" has used Religion as a weapon...now the "left" is doing the same thing.

Please, lets not go down to their level.

[Perky]

28. Freakishly similiar to my post...Amen!!!!

[DIKB]

31. I'm guessing

you think that Monty Python's Life of Brian is foaming at the mouth angered insanity then ? Doing a parody piece on something so ubiquitous is NOT hate. Many people here espouse the teachings of Christ, and are "spiritual but not religious."

You can learn a lot from reading the thread and the comments about the Nazarene principles of equality and compassion. The corrupting of Christ's teachings by the early Patriarchal church, etc.

The OP was in essence lampooning and pointing out some of the ridiculous actions that SOME christians take. I especially loved the mocking of people who use religion to support HATRED, and shirk personal responsibility: "Jesus then proceeded to tell the people that they must hate gays, people of any color other than a bleach like beige, and they must all shop at Wal-Mart especially at Christmas time because we all know nothin honors the birthday of Jesus like a singing fish and a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for your 7 year old. (Note Jesus demands you blame the video game company for why your 7 year old will later turn into a 35 year old inmate of Fulsom Prison) Also it's your fault too for not putting in more than a $20 bill in the collection plate."

How weak is a faith that it can't even stand up to parody ? Please, get a sense of humor.

[Perky]

35. There is a Grand Canyon's worth of difference

between lampponing reliegious whackos on the right and what the OP is doing.


The hate speech also did not come from from the OP it came from the commentnet that followed.

Again their is a double standard on DU that is just as arrogant and bigoted and as hypocrital as anything on Free Republic.

It is shameful bile and repugnant to well meaning and reasonable people of faith.

It my Bus to ans I will not move to the back of the Democratic bus and give room to bigots.

Again the OP is not the problem its the posts that followed.

[jobycom]

37. I saw maybe two hateful comments, a few historically questionable claims

But the OP was satire, pure and simple. It didn't attack Christ or Christians, it mocked a certain group's attitude towards Christianity. I've seen much more hateful posts launched against Astros fans.

There were a couple of comments that may have crossed the line downthread, that could be alerted on. I counted two. There were a couple of historical inaccuracies and unsupported claims questioning the story of Jesus, which should lead to a discussion of accuracy, not hurt feelings. Nothing like the bigotry of, say, a southern bashing thread, or one of those "Look at the hot woman!" threads. I've seen vegetarian and vegan bashing go further than this, and still be amusing.

Frankly, your post is as offensive to me as any others. I grew up in Mississippi, where they banned films like "The Life of Brian." THAT attitude bothers me more than a satirical revisioning of Jesus to make a political point, or a couple of misinformed posts about whether Jesus really existed.

Just MHO.

[wmills551]

73. Thanks for this great point.

[Ferret Annica]

81. When the Baptist churches put anti gay marriage placards

out front almost billboard size to help pass the state constitutional amendment taking away what should be a basic right, I made it a point to verbally browbeat every single last waver of the holy babble screaching in public or passing out tracts.

Christians beg to get those special rhetorical boots up their asses, and I am one person always willing to oblige.

Christ is a lie, an icon of oppression. Don't be fooled by cults merely because they have lasted a long time or are large.

I actually respect people's right to worship as they chose, but Chritian hubris and militancy is off the map and growing. Many want the U.S. to be turned into a theocracy. If they succeeded, it would be bloody war.

[Perky]

27. No offense meant?

Look I am not defending the whacko zealots, nor am I feeling the least bit persecuted (so don;t try to change the subject) . but since they are not on this site, all your cheap laughs sccomplish is insulting to those few believers that are on the site.

If you hold the teachings of Christ in such a high pillar then you ought to act like it.

Somehow I supsect that if you made similar cracks about Jews and Yom Kippur or African Amerecans and Kwanzaa you would have been run out of town on a rail. Its ewyally offensive, yet the Double-standard of Decency and tolerance seems to exist when it comes to people of this parricular faith.

Look orgaized religion is not the problem.... It is the lack of organizes religion. Many of the problems you allude to do not come from adheraants to any denominational system. It comes from rogue operators looking to make a quick buck. These people are responsible to no one on the earthly plain but themselves. Kindly stop tar and feathering us with the same naive, arrorgant bigoted broadbrush.

[Name removed]

36. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[BIG Sean]

40. Some of us believe that Jesus was a real person.....

nt

[noahmijo]

49. Well if you want to get technical Jesus I think was a real person

But the difference lies in faith. The fact that a man named Jesus Christ existed has been agreed on by historians (this I got from the many specials on Christ from The History Channel) but it's the aspects of him being the son of God and his birth being ammaculate that are things of mythology. (i.e. you can't prove it it's a thing of faith and belief but not fact)

[newspeak]

99. well actually his name is not Jesus Christ

it's yeshua ben yosef

[Zenlitened]

102. That's funny, he doesn't LOOK Jewish...

:D

[Name removed]

39. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Zenlitened]

97. Woo-hoo! Score one for the disruptors!

[Coexist]

41. Yeah, and don't parody those white men - why is it okay to make fun

of white men? Say the same thing about hispanic men and you would be a bigot. White power groups are necessary for these people to feel like they belong in this society.

Just because white men run the country, control 98% of all the assets in this country, are in control of the judiciary, own a vast majority of the Fourth Estate, and are about 80% of all I see on my television or hear on my radio, doesn't mean they don't have feelings too.

Jeepers, people. Show some tolerance.

On another note - I have never had to tell my daughter to keep her mouth shut in school about the fact that she thinks she is a Christian, I HAVE however, told her to be VERY low key about the fact that she thinks she is an Athiest.

[noahmijo]

52. If it makes you feel better I have come up with satire pieces about

Muslims and Latinos (Latino ones are my favorite to come up with cause I am one) :)

I got the sarcasm in your reply though and it made me laugh. :)

You brought up a great point though. A long time ago I wrote a little thing where I said "The difference between being a Christian and a Homosexual in America"

You stand on the side of a major freeway and hold up a sign that says "I am a proud Christian"

After a few moments hold up another sign that says "I am a proud homosexual"

After you get out of the hospital be sure to inform Bill O Reilly that although you're flattered he gave you his phone number, you were just conducting an experiment. :)

[Zenlitened]

54. LOL!

:D

[maximovich]

58. That Was Awesome!

Good way to frame it.

[noahmijo]

59. Thanks welcome to DU buddy!

First round's on me!

:toast:

[beam me up scottie]

61. BWAHAHAHAHA !!!

You should post your stuff here more often.

[beam me up scottie]

46. Can you say "satire" ?

I knew you could.

"Few believers" ?

FYI, they're in the majority on DU and most of them have a sense of humour.

I don't think they'd want you to speak for them.

[noahmijo]

51. I have made similar cracks about ALL religions

Martin Luther King's actions are not a thing of faith they can be proven with historical fact that's a big difference right there.

Secondly what I wrote was obviously obnoxious satire meant for laughs. Know what's more offensive than satire about mythical legends? people using those figures to justify true evil and don't tell me it's the minority and it doesn't apply to just Christians either. ALL religions are guilty of hypocrisy of some form and in most cases a very evil form and although I'm being labeled as a bigot maybe I am bigoted towards large groups of people who exist en masse who remind me of the 101 reasons as to why I'm going to hell meanwhile they are guilty of the very crimes they accuse others of and typically in worse fashion. I personally don't believe in slavery for example but the bible would disagree on that-with a touch of metal rods to keep the servants in line .

For pity's sake I won't go any further as to what both the bible and koran have to say about the many fascinating ways one can be appropriately beholden to the faith but assuming you are a regular reader of the bible you would know.

One last thing I do hold the teachings of Christ the man on very pillars, but I didn't say I wanted to be like Christ. I'd have to become a Buddhist Monk to reach that level of serenity and peacefulness. admit it

[mandyky]

30. The American Taliban follow the Old Testment more than The

Gospels (Matthew, Mark, etc). They are Paulians (books of Paul) not Christian, and they are more interested in the "end times" than becomiing fishers of men.

I have had a bad time with organized religion for over 30 years, but this crew/cult trying to ruin my country really has me pissed off. I used to be an evangelical (Bible Baptist) when I was a teenager, and when I left that church I became an agnostic.

[Zhade]

32. Amusing!

I'm glad most Christians here have a sense of humor and don't have such weak 'faith' that it's threatened by something like this.

(I'd say "I'm going to hell" for that last bit, but since it's never been proven to exist...no worries.)

[DanCa]

33. I am what Bruce Springsteen refers to as a runaway catholic

Actually we can't runaway remain silent on this issue any longer. The fundies just simply dont respect anyone elses view point. I am not talking about the people in the pews, but the policy makers. I wish that all of DU would pull together and start picketing and protesting the fundies. How do you deal with a bully, you punch him hard in the nose and he'll leave you alone. Whos with me?

[lumberingbear]

34. We need to get organized about this "going to hell thing".

Everyone bring a covered dish and snacks. I'll also bring paper plates and plastic cups and utensils. (Hope they don't melt!)

[jonnyblitz]

38. quite funny!!

as usual from you....:thumbsup:

[maximovich]

44. Watch The Condemners Come Out to Bash DU

Satire people... satire.

[ComerPerro]

45. Check out Frankens "The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus", in his book

"Lying Liars..."

[noahmijo]

47. I've seen it it's really funny

Especially when he orders the crucifixation of the real Jesus Christ...too fitting.

[Walt Starr]

50. Good joke! And I might add, excellent sense of humor!

:thumbsup:

[mzmolly]

53. "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians..."

"Your Christians are so unlike Christ." Gandhi

Love the thread, thanks.

[noahmijo]

55. You people are sick all of you who responded favorably

How can you laugh at such a twisted demented rambling?

I love you guys. Thanks for understanding and "getting" me :)

[onager]

56. For those offended by the OP...

From "BlackAdder's Xmas Carol..."

Baldrick: Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.

Ebenezer: Oh, of course! How did it go?

Baldrick: Well, not very well -- at the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!

Ebenezer: Oh, dear! This high infant-mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?

Baldrick: Got another Jesus.

Ebenezer: Oh, thank goodness. ...and his name?

Baldrick: `Spot'. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.

Ebenezer: Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was "Woof."

Baldrick: Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...

Ebenezer: ...on some other dogs.

Baldrick: Yeah... and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride!

Ebenezer: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?

Baldrick: Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter -- they want to see us nail up the dog.

[noahmijo]

57. Oh jeez lol that I think makes my stupid little OP look like a

Christmas Carol :)

[Gregorian]

62. And we all love Blackadder.

I never think twice about it when I'm watching Blackadder. But the spaghetti monster picture at the bottom of someone's post really boils my blood. It's like me putting a bush/cheney campaign logo at the bottom of all my posts. In fact, that's just what I'm doing from now on out when I see the spaghetti monster posts.

But that's not what this thread is about.

Damn, I really should be working... :)


PS- Thanks for the perspective. Very interesting.

[muriel_volestrangler]

64. You have a problem with the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

When I told a United Reformed Church minister about it, he called it "an appropriate response to a crazy policy". Remember, it's satire on the attempt to pretend that Intelligent Design isn't a way of smuggling fundamentalist Christianity into science lessons.

[Gregorian]

66. Aha!

I thought so.
But I also think it's used as a belligerent way of expressing atheism.

Context! It's all how it's perceived.

Thanks. Because this stuff really does keep me up at night. Haha.

[BiggJawn]

67. "Beligerent way of expressing Atheism"?

You read too much into it.

If I wanted to make a "beligerent display" of something, I'd put a picture of Winnie-the-Pooh at the bottom of my post with a line to effect of why should MY myth have any less legitimacy than yours.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

68. "Belligerent way of expressing disdain for Creationism" is more exact

And THAT was the motivation for the FSM fever (if you don't believe me go to http://www.venganza.org). And for that reason, many many Christians are cool with it.

[Gregorian]

71. Global temperature versus Number of pirates

Now that's good! :)

[hyphenate]

106. When I first heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

I viewed it as essentially a slightly more whacked out way to describe cults. Within the liberal part of politics and religious, I think everyone should have the right to worship as they please, even if it's the old monster they want to deify. In some ways, the spaghetti monster is the same being as Christ, only seen in a different light. I think it's an appropos way of looking at the nutjobs on the RRR.

[Gregorian]

63. Hey, you forgot the part about Fox news.

You're supposed to tune in and obediently trust everything they say, without questioning, as God's truth.

[Ian_rd]

69. Hehe - your disclaimer is as long as your story.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that)

[noahmijo]

110. Yea it's to try to make it clear to those who are offended

although it does no good of course.

[wmills551]

70. Ham handed!

I get it, your not dumb and unsophisticated like Southern Christians. You "hold the teachings of Christ to the highest pillar (what the f*** does that mean). It is ok for you to make misleading, classist comments about your lessers. After all they shop at Walmart and may be uneasy about two men getting married. Not everyone can be as enlightened as you. It is ok to spit on them, Christ would understand, I'm sure.

[Zenlitened]

75. You spelled "you're" incorrectly.

;)

[wmills551]

77. As long as you understand

I am able to live with the misspelling. You did understand, I am sure of it. Did you have anything more to add. Or are you just a nitpicker.

[Zenlitened]

78. I find nitpicker to be an offensive term.

And is the reference to Ham meant to be a racial slur?

[Name removed]

82. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Zenlitened]

84. Tsk, tsk. Name-calling now. How rude.

[beam me up scottie]

88. I'm offended that you're offended.

So just stop offending me.

[Zenlitened]

92. Excuse me a moment. I have to go start a thread condemning all of DU....

... and all liberals, everywhere, for hurting my feelings.

:hi:

[beam me up scottie]

93. Don't forget to take a poll, too.

:evilgrin:

[Zenlitened]

109. .

[beam me up scottie]

85. Would Jesus have called her a coward?

I think not.

[wmills551]

87. honesty

is no sin

[beam me up scottie]

90. Name calling is.

At least on DU, which is where you are now.

[Zenlitened]

107. Self-delusion, on the other hand...

:eyes:

[beam me up scottie]

86. Why go around looking for reasons

to be offended?

The op told a funny story, just like millions of other christians do.

It's a little thing we like to call "humour".

Since you brought him up, would Jesus understand why you feel it necessary to misrepresent the op's post?

[wmills551]

94. i didn't misrepresent the post

i don't find classism funny. i don't find religious intolerance funny. I don't find stale retreaded attempts at humor funny.

[beam me up scottie]

96. What classism?

What intolerance?

You act like a blueblood atheist wrote it.

[wmills551]

103. Scottie

When you say that Christ is from Texas, all his followers are homophobic, racist, walmart shopping, video game playing boobs, who cannot afford more than $20 in the collection plate. It is classism. It is the same as saying all New York Jews are..., Or all Blacks from Compton are.... It is not funny. It is intolerant of Southern Christians. It should not be so easily accepted by you. Racism, Classism, Religious intolerance is bad. It is not ok when the target tends to vote for another party. Sorry, it just isn't.

[beam me up scottie]

108. Are you saying Yankees aren't any of those things?

And that middle class people aren't either?

And just because Jesus was born in Texas doesn't mean all of his followers are Texans, does it?

Using your reasoning, the accusation would be intolerance of Texans, not Southerners.

If you think that only Southern christians possess the above mentioned traits, then I posit you are the one who is intolerant.

[Zenlitened]

111. Besides, everyone knows Jeebus is Canadian...

[beam me up scottie]

118. I thought I recognized the accent.

Maybe he just pretends he's from Texas, like * does.

[akarnitz]

91. Where did the op say anything about "Southern" Christians

I live in Michigan, I see this all around me, too! I take the op as a poke at the folks who go to church so they won't go to hell. As long as those folks show up at church on Sunday, they're saved! It doesn't matter that they practice according to the teachings of Christ(that would be soooo uncomfortable), the Old Testament rules on avoiding hell are so much more easily defined.

Constantine, btw, was losing battles while flying the standards of pagan gods. So he used the crucifix as his lucky charm, won a few battles, et voila, the Roman Empire became the Holy Roman Empire. But for lack of a few well placed arrows, this post could have been ribbing Wotan.

[wmills551]

95. Texas is the South.

I wouldn't like people making fun of those who worship Wotan either (if i knew who the hell he/she was/is). Your way of being a Christian sounds great. So why not poke fun at yourself instead of those stupid southern walmart shoppers. They don't need it. It is classism.

[beam me up scottie]

100. Where does he say Jesus' followers were Texans?

He said he was born in Texas.

[noahmijo]

114. Although not born in Texas Dubya was arguably made famous

primarily in that state.

The reason I chose Texas was because of the high number of people I hear talking about how Dubya is God's chosen president. Therefore I just made a zing about the idea of God's son also being born in Texas.

If Bush was from Massachusetts the OP would've had Jesus born there too.


Secondly If you think only poor people shop at Wal-Mart that is saying something pretty unfair right there.

Step into a Wal-Mart in Orange County or down here in Oro Valley.

Poor people don't buy thousands of dollars worth of tv sets, videogames, and $40 wine.

[beam me up scottie]

117. GASP!

Is it possible our friend is prejudiced against poor people???

Say it ain't so!

[akarnitz]

122. First, here' a link to some Wotan info

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wotan

As pointed out by the op author(look up the thread a little bit), Jesus H. Christ was born in Texas, not necessarily his followers.

I don't think I called anyone stupid, either, not Christians or anyone who shops at Wal-Mart. We've also got Wal-Mart around here, but more people shop at Meijers. It's the same thing as Wal-Mart, a wee bit more expensive, with a huge grocery section. And it's local. But I don't think the op was about where peeople shop. It's that people buy things like GTA and then blame an "evil, godless society" instead of themselves.

I've got as much of a self-deprecating sense of humor as any other guy with a really small penis! TAKE THAT!

To end, I'd like to pose this (rhetorical)question: Did the Good Samaritan know any good Hebrew jokes?

Excuse me while I go to confession.

[noahmijo]

115. Wow another one who gets it

Wish I had a prize for ya :)


Will you accept this "Get out of the inferno FREE" pass?

[akarnitz]

121. Thanks for the offer

but my mimere(grandma) has my ass covered w/ all the novenas she's said for me. Maybe Hugo Chavez needs it.

[bobbieinok]

72. remember Supply Side Jesus?

http://www.buzzflash.com/contributors/03/09/17_franken.html



picture no 5 of 11

[SeanQuinn]

89. As a humble Catholic, you get a thumbs up and a hearty pat on the back.

Well done. The "religious right" are just behind a shield of religion when actually contradicted everything their leader, my Lord, Jesus Christ taught.

Gandhi said it best. "I consider western Christianity in its practical working a negation of Christ’s Christianity."

[noahmijo]

112. Funny all the Catholics so far seem to be with me here

A hearty thanks to you for "getting it" It's no wonder that although I'm more of an agnostic laspe Catholic, Catholic progressives are still like family to me.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

124. In my experience, Catholicism is WAY more tolerant

than the "bornagain" Protestant lot.

They admit that people may be saved just by being good, for one thing. You just DON'T see they throwing venom at other beliefs the way the fundagelics do.

Maybe roughly equivalent with these fellows: http://www.guardian.co.uk/religion/Story/0,2763,1339709,00.html

[noahmijo]

125. Well it's true a major belief of Catholics is that it's wrong to force

your beliefs on others. Catholics are not supposed to "enlighten" others about their religion unless a person comes into a church and asks to be educated on the religion. One of the reasons fundies hate us so much is because they don't do the door to door spread the word thing therefore we're not "true" Christians.

[cmd]

113. Thank you, thank you, thank you

And I'll bet Jesus is laughing, too.

[PatriotGames]

116. Nicely done. Rec'd!

[akarnitz]

123. Kick

[MojoXN]

126. Jesus first hit it big among the Essenes...

He went Platinum after Constantine became a fan in 395. He then kept a low profile for about 1600 years, only to re-emerge from seclusion and steal the 2000 election. He then proceeded to defy his father's wisdom and teachings (pun most certainly intended) and started an unnecessary war. We call this the "rebellious" phase, very common amongst angst-filled teenagers. In this case, Jesus' rebellious phase was noteworthy, as he was a late-middle-aged man at the time.

To learn more about Jesus, visit your local fundamentalist "Christian" church.

MojoXN