A woman taking her husband's name when she gets married--optional???

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

I had the MOST inane conversation earlier. It was meet the teacher night at my daughter's school. I go up there, the teacher is doing a bit of chit-chatting before she starts and she mentions she is getting married and how much she doesn't like her fiance's last name and I feel a bit perplexed and I say, "Then don't take it."

She looks at me like I just said, "Did you FART?" and says, "OHMYGOD I could NEVER not take his name, that's like a TOTAL put-down to HIM!!!!"

I pick my jaw up off the floor and ask, "Why? What does it matter whose name anyone takes? Why do you HAVE to take his name? Just because that's what people do?"

She laughed as if I had just suggested she could fly. Seriously. She was all big-eyed. The other moms standing there didn't really say much, a few nodded.

I went on: "It's just a vestige of our patriarchal society."

THIS IS WHAT THE TEACHER SAID: "OHMYGOD now you're using those big words on me!" She laughed a big laugh. "I did not understand a WORD you just said!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

I sat down, very very very scared.

She started the presentation.

[kikiek]

1. Those big words and didn't understand a word you said..wow!

I did add my husbands to my last name. I felt he should have added mine, but he wouldn't. I think that would have been a very nice gesture.

[politicat]

45. It's much harder for men to change their names....

We looked into it and it would have cost us about $1000, and probably our credit rating.

Not worth it. He's Mr. Sikity, I'm Miss Politicat. (Hey, he didn't have to change his title, so I don't have to, either!)

Pcat

[Momgonepostal]

50. I had a professor whose husband took her name...

...and she had the same experience. They actually both took each other's names and hyphenated, so they were Mr. Smith-Jones and Ms. Jones-Smith. She said it was a breeze to get her name changed on all her documents. All she had to do was say she got married and sign a few things and she she got a new DL, ss card, etc. Her husband had to go through the process of getting his name legally changed.

[jjmalonejr]

2. Vestige? Patriarchal?

She must've thought you were speaking French.

[greatauntoftriplets]

3. What grade does this idiot teach?

Sounds like a Stepford wife wannabe.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

22. She teaches fourth grade

the worst part is she is my DAUGHTER'S teacher!!!

Thank GOD for the wonderful brilliant woman who teaches my daughter's GT class. Without that, I shudder to think...

[MrSandman]

33. Fourth grade teacher...

with a matching vocabulary.

[MrSandman]

34. Why can it not be optional...

Like India is the home of the caste system.

[MuseRider]

4. That was the one thing

my husband really wanted me to do and it was the one thing I did not really want to do. Being younger and stupider I did it and I HATE it. Nothing pisses me off more than to get mail to Mrs. His Name-Our Last Name. Or to see the Dr. and Mrs. His Name-Our Last Name. I throw all mail like that away. Some places won't change their data base so I tell them if they want me they can call me. My relatives still do it after 22 years of telling them. I should not get started on this.

[Child_Of_Isis]

19. People still think something is wrong with me

because I have never been married, and I am 44. I believe for a woman to take a man's name is right down incredulous, but it goes on without question. It wouldn't even be an issue for me if I were to marry. Which will never happen. We really are not all that advanced.

[MuseRider]

21. Nothing wrong with you

at all. If something happens and I am no longer married I will never do it again. It isn't him it is society and I will never cross that line ever, ever again.

[dammit905]

5. It's because

we don't pay them enough that these people get hired. In case you're interested.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

23. Er,

I happen to be a teacher myself.....and I understand a vocabulary higher than high school. I would think she would, too, if she were college educated and she is, apparently. I guess.

[Ilsa]

6. And these people have our kids eight hours a day...

No wonder so many DU'ers homeschool.

This is reason alone not to allow any discussion in class of anything except academics. I don't want teachers influencing my kids too much.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

7. Yeah. Get your kid into a different classroom.

Jeez, she doesn't know what you're talking about? Do you REALLY trust her to teach your daughter?
Duckie

[LDS Jock]

8. I don't think I'd do it if I were a woman

It would be like giving up part of my identity. I'd be called by a name not mine the rest of my life. I understand the idea of family unity or whatever, but there are other ways to achieve that. As far as hyphenated names go, my last name is ten letters long. I would never expect anyone to add that to an existing name. Anyway, my view is if someone WANTS to do it, fine, but they shouldn't feel OBLIGATED.

[GreenInNC]

9. my wife

didn't take my last name. She says she didn't do it because she didn't want people to know we were related because of the articles and editorials I write. lol

[mac56]

10. My lovely wife has retained the name she was born with.

Even as a young lad in the pre-enlightenment 60s, I thought taking the husband's name was an odd custom.

[silverlib]

11. My daughter's teacher

AP High School Junior English - in written classroom rules at the beginning of school:

I am married to another teacher. We do not have the same last name. It insults my individualism if you call me Ms. "His name" or "Miss." I take personal affront to this. My name is Ms. "My Name."

I love this woman!

[flamingyouth]

17. That's a great story!

And it IS her name, damn it! :D

[NC_Nurse]

12. I took my husband's name

because my maiden name was Smith! I wasn't too attached...the funny thing is I went from Smith to Miller (1st most common to 7th most common). Then got divorced and remarried and went from Miller to Jenkins (7th to 14th or something).

I just CAN'T seem to get an interesting name! :shrug:

Mainly I changed it the second time to keep the numbers of different last names from getting out of hand! And I just can't get too misty about Smith!

[NC_Nurse]

14. Oh!

and the teacher sounds like a complete ditz!

Who hasn't at least thought about keeping their name in this day and age?

Where has she been ? and her fiance, is he a cro-magnon (sp?) or what?

I can't think of one guy I know who would actually be offended that his wife didn't take his name...who gives a F***?

[KittyWampus]

13. You Just Opened A Door In That Poor Woman's Head

It may take her whole lifetime or several more... but you definately poked a hole in her Reality.

Eventually she'll see the light.

:D

[Screaming Lord Byron]

15. I wanted my wife not to take my name.

Course, she bloody went and took it anyway. Women. :evilgrin:
Now she's ended up with some double-barrelled addendum. Given that her first name is double-barrelled, she sounds like she should hang around with the horsey set in the home counties.

[flamingyouth]

16. I kept my name when I got married

But I understand why women change theirs, or hyphenate them, or use both names. It doesn't bother me what people choose to do with their own names and lives. I happen to think that my given name just flows well, and my husband totally supported my decision.

[jackieforthedems]

18. My Last Name

is actually hyphenated - a combo of my maiden and my husband's last name. That teacher must be living in the dark ages.

[iconoclastic cat]

20. While I am appalled, I am not shocked.

About this quote:

THIS IS WHAT THE TEACHER SAID: "OHMYGOD now you're using those big words on me!" She laughed a big laugh. "I did not understand a WORD you just said!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

I sat down, very very very scared.




The teaching profession is like any long road: even the best locales have a few dips. I have met a few teachers who proclaimed themselves to be anti-intellectual and generally proud of the bias and bigotry that seems to accompany this kind of mindset.

This is what happens when society makes both teachers and learners the object of scorn and distrust. We have created fertile ground for fascism.

BTW, everyone on this board should read Paulo Freire and bell hooks if you want to see what teachers on the other side of this spectrum are doing in their classrooms.

One more thing: I had the opportunity to have dinner with Jonathan Kozol a year ago. When one of the teachers who was at the table asked what we should do about the growing problem of anti-intellectualism in this country, he said, "Be mischievous. Teach them to question authority and common wisdom."

Damn right.


PPS: Mrs. IconCat kept her beautiful, musical, rock-star-cool name, and we never even discussed changing it.
We are kicking around the idea of giving our children a third, completely different last name.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

24. Wow, great post

when I was in the classroom (until just last year), I definitely put questions in their unquestioning minds. A LOT of questions. They were downright progressive by the end of the year.

But I think we are born progressive and some of us get it pounded out. Fortunately I got mine back and I don't intend to ever let my daughter lose hers.

[tigereye]

38. I had friends who made up their own last name

when they married. Very cool Swedish name.

I kept my name. My husband did not have a problem with it. I didn't really want to go the hyphenated route.

Very cool that you had dinner with Jonathan Kozol. Must have been fascinating!

[iconoclastic cat]

42. The dinner

I didn't say more than one or two lame compliments; the teachers and professors in the group dominated the discussion. It was indeed fascinating -- the man can shatter any illogical statement within four or five syllables. I would not want to debate him.

[IronLionZion]

25. public education is working in America

I'm kidding. of course I support public education. But I had some teachers like that. Saying they are dumb as bricks would be an insult to bricks.

[johnnie]

26. I have never been married

I don't know what I would want. If she wanted to keep her name that's fine by me. To be honest, it's just a name..no biggie. I think it would make it easier if I had a family that all our last names were the same, but that's just me. My family name was changed when my ancestors came here, and chances are my great-grandfather didn't really give a shit.
It's strange how something like this is actually worth worrying about. People should do what they want.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

27. And just to add

I DID take my husband's name when I got married but here's why:

My maiden name at the time was my adoptive stepfather's last name. Not my BIRTH name. I HATED it. I was NOT a Crowe (not the real last name, just a fictional one for this post). I was a Harrison (again not my real birth name).

Plus I was 21 and thought getting a new name rather exciting.

If, God forbid, something were to happen to him or us, I most likely would not remarry (been there, done that and way too damn independent now), but IF I did, I would keep the name I have now. The whole idea of taking his name just seems to strange and archaic to me now.

Also, I told my daughter this: "If you get engaged someday, please don't have him come ask your dad if he can marry you. If you are old enough to marry, you are old enough to decide for yourself and not have your DAD give his permission."

She said ok. I just think that's a bit blechy. She's not his property and he doesn't need to give his permission (what a blessing really is) if she is old enough to make up her own mind about getting married.

He agreed, too. Said he doesn't want some guy asking HIM whether he can marry her.

It just baffled me that a) she had no idea it was ok to NOT take his last name and b) she didn't understand "vestigal" or "patriarchal."

I came home and told my husband "our daughter's teacher this year seems pretty shabby" (not in front of our daughter!).

[Endangered Specie]

28. Have you considered a different SCHOOL?

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

31. The school isn' t the problem

in fact, the school is VERY good and I've been highly impressed with the school, the teachers, the principal all the years she's been there (since Kindergarten). Even her worst teachers until this year were still what I would consider to be very good. Her best ones were off the charts exceptional teacher-of-the-year material.

But this one....I hate to say this but she talks like a total hillbilly (no offense to hillbillies, I am related to a lot of them and love them to death, I just think a teacher shouldn't necessarily sound like one!). I thought I was back in east Texas with my dad's family, none of whom finished the eighth grade.

At one point she was talking about the kids bringing snacks and she said, "I mean if your child wants to spread themselves up a pb&j to bring for snack, then that thar's a good choice for snack!"

SPREAD THEMSELVES UP? THEN THAT THAR?

I saw parents giving each other looks. Our principal must have been out of her mind desperate to hire this woman. (She was hired just two weeks before school started..)

[MissB]

29. I'm sorry for your daughter

That teacher sounds like a nightmare.

As far as taking names is concerned, I don't particularly care one way or another. I'd assume that the person you mentioned was very, um, traditional.

I took my husband's last name eventually. I would have taken it immediately, but I'd built up a (positive) reputation at college and didn't want to have to fight for recognition my senior year (we were married at the end of my junior year). I hyphenated for about a year, then switched over to his name. I hate my maiden name. It sucked completely.

[juslikagrzly]

30. I kept mine

after changing it back when I got divorced. My husband now has absolutely no problem with it. Funny story: About 3 months after we married, we had to go to a function at our church. A rather prominent women was there, sitting at a table with a bunch of other older women. When my husband introduced me, he used MY name. As we walked away we could hear them whispering "why is her last name different than his?". Later that evening, one of those older woman approached me at church, put her arm around me and said "it's okay honey, I know who you are, even if you don't". If we hadn't been in church, who knows what would have escaped my lips. My saint of a husband promptly put on a name tag, showing his last name as mine! At the time, he was the associate pastor of our church.

It's a bit tough at the kids school, teachers tend to think we're divorced. But, I say F*** em!

My decision was largely based on losing my identity once (first husband) and that was unacceptable. I also have a professional degree in MY name and I'll be damned if I change it.

Just my .02

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

32. See that's the way I feel now

I've had my married name so long, I feel like it's my maiden name! LOL! My bachelors is in this name and the masters I will get in about two years will be in this name. So if something ever happens to us or to him (knock wood), I wouldn't change it if I got remarried.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

35. I made the mistake of changing my name

Now it's sort of half changed, but not officially changed on my social security card. I'm trying to wiggle my way out of changing it without offending anyone. The whole marriage thing is pissing me off really. I'm an Ortiz, and while I didn't have a problem changing it at first, now I feel like changing it is stealing not only my identity but my heritage. I think I'm going to go back to Ortiz. I just have to find a way to tell the husband.

[PassingFair]

36. OK, true story...

After being married for a month or so, and keeping my own moniker, my husband and I ran into a mutual acquaintance who asked my "Wasn't it weird to change your name?" I said "I didn't change it".
Well she drew herself up and said, and I'm not making this up, "Well, I changed my name because I LOVE my husband". Er, OK, we just got the hell outta there.
Walking to the car, I said to my husband "Does it bother you that we don't have the same last name?". Emboldened by the erstwhile acquaintance's outburst he admitted, "Well, kinda, it would be nice if we had the same last name."
"Fine", I replied, "we'll go down to city hall tomorrow and have your name changed to _____(insert my last name here)."
Right, he hasn't brought up the last name issue since.

[loftycity]

37. Changed my name to my Mothers Maiden name

She was happy and from a family of all sisters. It felt great to do.
My Father was fine with it plenty of sons to keep the last name going.

[InkAddict]

39. Can't possibly be as bad as when

a husband uses his wife's married name.

[HEyHEY]

40. I hope you don't have a daughter in her class

Or a son for that matter

[AmyDeLune]

41. He took HER name!

One of my high school friends, when he got married, took his wife's last name. He has an older brother, so his paternal family name will continue, but his wife is an only child. So, he decided to take her last name.:)

[tarkus]

43. Do you live in the deep south? NM

[GOPisEvil]

44. My future spouse can keep her own name. I don't really care.

She can take mine if she likes. It's not a big issue to me.

[SarahB]

46. Do you live in my world?

I get that all the time- trying to talk to people who cannot understand words longer than 3 syllables, let alone the concepts behind them. I talk about things and frequently people look at me as though I have two heads. It's sad really.

I don't know, I think I had a nicer maiden name, but I married someone from a different background when I was pretty young, so when I brought this up, he didn't even seem to "get it", so I changed it. I think when I divorce, I may hyphenate for now. I don't know if I would get married again, but I guess I'd evaluate it and figure it out if I did.

[NewJeffCT]

47. I think it's a woman's choice

My ex-wife originally couldn't wait to get rid of her last name, then ended up going hyphenated. I guess she was a flip-flopper.

And, while my wife now is Chinese, and Chinese women traditionally keep their birth names, she will likely change her name to be the same as mine when she gets citizenship because she thinks her Chinese last name on a resume means she gets fewer interviews.

[liontamer]

48. Is there any chance of getting your daughter into a different class?

[Skittles]

49. I don't understand why women change their names

I really don't.

[Zookeeper]

51. I kept my name, even though...

I got it from my step-father who never formally adopted me. I'm really not that attached to it, except that it's been *my name* since early childhood.

I've been married for 20 years. Mr. Zookeeper has left the name issue completely up to me. Our kids have his last name and sometimes I "hyphenate socially" and for school purposes just to try to minimize confusion and avoid the assumptions conservatives make about my children if they hear different last names.

Moonbeam, I know it may be difficult, but explore the possibility of having your child transferred to a different classroom. My experience is that the 4th grade is a shift from "warm and cuddly" teaching to a somewhat more questioning and intellectually demanding mode. That teacher doesn't sound like she's quite up to the task.

Good luck!

[Susang]

52. If she looked at you funny, she would have been terrified of me

I did not take my husband's last name, rarely wear my wedding ring (I just hate wearing rings, always have), I have visable tattoos that I make no effort to cover, and I have a very loud and opinionated mouth. }(

Next time ask her what big words they do require when the give out those teaching certificates. And hope your daughter gets a better teacher next time. I wish you good luck counteracting any damage that idiot does over the coming school year.

[MrScorpio]

53. My wife shortened her name when she married me

She was born with five names. Her last name was a very long hyphenated one. When she married she took my much shorter last name and dropped the hyphenated one.

She couldn't be any happier.

[LibertyLover]

54. Teachers and taking your husband's last name

When I married my husband told me he didn't care if I took his name or kept my own, it was my choice. Since I work for a multi-national NGO and many of my colleagues have known me for years under my maiden name I decided not to change. I'm happy with the choice, although when we adopted our daughter we did give her his last name. That has caused a few problems. Just recently we went to a large historical recreation camping event and did not have paperwork naming us her parents. Luckily I knew someone at the gate and they gave us our badges but from now on I will care a copy of her adoption certificate. It would serve people right if I carried the one in Chinese and not the translation.

A number of years ago my niece asked me to come to her 7th grade class and do a slide presentation on Egypt. I had been to the country a couple of times and have a degree in Ancient Near Eastern History. I put together a nice show and did a quick 15 minute highlights of the highlights of Egyptian history talk together. The kids loved it. Afterwards I was chatting with her history teacher and was absolutely gob smacked when he said to me that he didn't understand how I could like history so much. He found it really boring and didn't like it very much. I'm afraid that it was only my mother's early indoctrination in the fine art of politeness that kept me from asking him point blank what the hell he was doing teaching a subject he couldn't stand. Every time I think about that little episode I still shake my head in disbelief. All I can think is that he used his GI benefits to go to college, got a teaching degree so that he could have summers off and wound up teaching whatever subject the school system wanted so that he had a job.

[rbnyc]

55. "I did not understand a WORD you just said!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Isn't it funny? I'm an idiot!

OMG! I hate it when people are PROUD of being not smart enough to participate in an argument. "Tee-hee. I just have to go on believing what I believe, because my pea-sized brain is socially acceptable."

BARF!!

[yellowcanine]

56. Some friends of ours made up an entirely new name. I thought that was

kind of cool. I have no idea what their families thought.