My 14 year old son just "ran away." Advice?

[Kimber Scott]

I grounded my son earlier this week and took away his room phone, t.v., computer, stereo and video games. I found a bong and other evidence on marijuana and cigarette smoking in his room. He was arrested at school a few months ago for possession and is on probation. On Tuesday, he got in trouble at school for ditching with his friends and now, tonight, he picked a fight with me and left. I really hate to get the "authorities" involved. It seems they just make things worse. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

[skooooo]

1. if you can get him into counselling....

..at some point, that might open some doors.

Sorry you have to go through this...

14 is very young.

[Kimber Scott]

4. He had a counselor coming to the house through the probation

department. For all appearances he's a great kid and a joy to be around and she thought he was "healed." Appearances aren't what they appear, are they? I mean, he and I are pretty close, we have a lot of fun, but I guess he's just decided to take advantage of me.

He'll be 15 in a couple of weeks. He's six foot tall, ADHD and is frustrating me to death.

[skooooo]

7. hang in there....

...not much else you can do. Sorry, wish I could think of something more helpful.

[Kimber Scott]

13. Thanks, anyway. I will.

nt

[aquaman]

19. I am a therapist that works with adolescents........

The therapist that stated that your son was "healed" is obviously ignorant. I ran away from home when I was 16 and came home when I was hungry and I ran out of clean clothes. My advice, If he gets busted again, let him sit in jail or ask the judge to order counseling and if he does not cooperate he goes to a Juvenile facility. I am a firm believer in attempting to work with kids but also provide tough love. Your son will make his own decisions despite every effort to make them for him. Good luck.

[Yupster]

82. There's an organization of parents called Tough Love

Thankfully I don't know anything about them, but you may look into them.

[imax2268]

2. Once he figures out

that he won't have a free ride with his friends...he will come back...

believe me...he will get bored and come home...I have ran away a time or two and I always came back home...

[Kimber Scott]

Did you behave any differently after you got back, or did you just

go home because it was the path of least resistance?

[imax2268]

14. I just thought that...

it wasn't so bad at home...that's the only place that I knew where I was actually safe and no matter how bad it got...it was home...

I was still mad when I went back...but my parents would sit down with me and talk to me in a calm manner...but still being firm because it was their house...and I had broke the rules...we just worked out the issues and things slowly got better...

Don't yell or curse at him or anything when he get's home...my mom would come into my room and give me a hug and we would talk about what needed to be done to make things better...if he doesn't want to talk right away...then let him have some time to himself...he will calm down...

[7th_Sephiroth]

36. ignore the bong and the weed

in fact be welcoming about it, he's gonna smoke it anyway and it'll let off alot of tension with him if he knows your not gonna bust him for smokin up, be tough about him skipping school tho

[physioex]

3. Stand your ground.....

Tell him as an adult holding a job, he is free to smoke marijuana or cigarettes, but this is strictly off limits as long as he lives in your house. Don't budge on this issue one bit...

[HEyHEY]

5. Do you know where he is?

[Kimber Scott]

6. No.

I'm sure he's in the neighborhood somewhere and I can venture several places to look, but right now, I'm so frustrated I don't even want to.

[HEyHEY]

8. You know what?

Lock the door, make him sleep outside. He'll come back. But as for the dope and stuff, that's hard to deal with. I don't know what to do, there's now way you can STOP him from doing that.

[Kimber Scott]

21. I was thinking I would do that. You see, I think he thinks I think he can

do no wrong. No matter what he does, he thinks I'll get over it. I do, but I'm his mom. I don't think he thinks he could lose his only ally by treating me like crap. I'm mad enough now, and have been all week, I don't think I'm going to get over any of this anytime soon.

It's warm enough here for him to sleep outside. That's what I'm going to do. If he doesn't come back by tomorrow morning, I'll just call the police and his probation officer. I'm fed up.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

31. Been there, done that.

I left home at 14 and never looked back. I am now 53 and don't regret a minute of it. Abusive, drunk stepfather, etc. etc. I guess, looking back, the real problem was a lack of dialog. I was just a dirty Hippie whose opinions and confusion about the world I grew up believing in (the police are good, the government always tells the truth, etc.etc.)and the reality I was confronting didn't add up. Unfortunately, I had no one (i.e. parents, role models) to help me work through this stuff. I guess what I wanted most is for someone to just tell me the truth.

On the flip side, I learned to take care of myself real quick. Things like rent, food, utensils, utility bills, and such, along with schooling which I knew was necessary, had to be dealt with.

Maybe I was smart, maybe I was lucky, but I have lived an extraordinary life that includes making and losing several million dollars and at the moment, being very comfortable financially but still being quite empathetic with those less fortunate.

I guess that all I have to offer really is when your kid comes back, and he probably will, try real hard to keep your mouth Shut and listen.
The kid is finally figuring out that life is NOT what he has been led to believe AND his body is raging with hormones. Would you ever want to go through that again?

Beyond that, If the kid is smart, he will be o.k..
Bud

[iconoclastic cat]

9. I did that all the time at that age.

That could be me! For me, counseling did no good at all; my shrink was a dolt, and I had fun manipulating him. I didn't actually get myself together until I recognized all the rage that I was internalizing -- it was not about my parents, oddly, being the fundies that they are, but the sense of total alienation: I felt utterly alone. Then I started a band, got serious about running a label, and channeled it all into music. Personally, I think I turned out okay, and if you can get your son to determine what is eating him alive, you may be able to help him refocus.

I hope this made sense. I really need to hit the hay, so I may not be totally coherent. Stay hopeful--if I could get it together, so can he.

[gardenista]

12. That's a good insight. Does he have any interests that could draw him

away from this destructive behavior?

[Kimber Scott]

16. Not really. He signed up for diving, but couldn't do the flips. He is

totally enamored with drugs, alcohol and being "cool."

[CJCRANE]

72. Is there

another way for him to be "cool"? Is part of the reason he wants to be "cool" to attract girls? Not all girls are into "bad boys", if you can find another way for him to be cool and interesting, that might help. Some girls are into artist/creative-types, others into people who've travelled a bit, or athletic types etc. etc. Just a thought.

[iconoclastic cat]

76. Good morning! I have a comment on this one:

"Not really. He signed up for diving..."

I didn't know how to play a note when I started a band (I was awful, in fact), and yet that allowed me to figure out my issues. I recommend providing some acceptable outlet without actually saying, "Do such-and-such activity; you'll feel better." You have to set a kind of a trap; in a weird way, my parents did this entirely on accident: they told me that I either had to sign up for "band" in high school (that was a wholesome activity, they said) or I had to get a job. I retaliated by starting a band in the garage, which proceeded to take up all of my time. Eventually, I refocused, left for college, and we worked things out.

I don't know what your son's outlet will be, but I firmly believe that we all have at least one.

[Kimber Scott]

15. I know what's eating him alive. It's his father - or absence of.

His father was a "fling" (well, deep love on my part, fling on his part) of mine in the Army. He's an American living in Germany. He's been there for 23 years, or so. Anyway, my son, called him for the first time in September 2001. His dad, speaking to his son for the first time in his life, said he couldn't talk right now. My son asked him if he would call him back and he said he would. He never did. My son wrote him a note, even bought a "heart" stamp to put on it and mailed it to him. Nothing.

How do I fix that?

[OffWithTheirHeads]

38. I refer you to my earlier post

You can Never fix that! You can only tell him the truth. Much as we would all like it, very few of us grew up like Beaver Cleaver. Thats just the way life is. Sorry, now do the best you can.

[cally]

39. That's an excuse if it's what he's using

Way too many kids don't have TV lifestyles. His Dad is not there and is a total jerk. OK. It happens all too often. Don't let him use that against you.

About the drugs and running away...I just don't know. I think you need to tell him how worried you are, how much it affects you, how it's not fair to make you so worried and how he needs to be responsible. I'm going to watch my nephew who has similar issues and I have no idea how to handle this.

[gardenista]

44. Oh my goodness. Wow, that's a very tough thing for a boy to take.

That explains so much, he must be in a lot of pain. You know what? Sometimes kids don't know how much their parents NEED them. That they are an important part of the family, no matter how that family is constituted.

Kimber, I wish you all the best. Try to hang in there.

[gardenista]

10. I'd bet that he picked the fight to have an excuse to leave tonight

for a good party. Call the parents of his friends and try to track him down. See if you can get other parents to work with you and bust their asses, and bring your son home. Tell him that next time, the cops are called.

He is testing you, and you need to be strong. 14 years old is far too young to be smoking pot.

[fairfaxvadem]

23. Well, 20 years ago, 14 yrs old was about the time we all did it.

8th grade. Started smoking pot and cigarettes. Doubt much has changed.

I'd be more concerned, generally, about the trouble with the authorities than the actual smoking (but not admit it to your son of course!). You don't want him to acquire a "well, I'm a screw up anyway, so what does it matter" self-defeating attitude.

Somehow you have to walk the fine line between patience and keeping the lines of communication open. Maybe you might not speak to him so much about the "drugs are bad" angle vs. the "how did you feel when you were busted" and the more practical aspects of having his freedom curtailed by the law. Reminding him frequently that you love him is also good. Not sure how much grounding helps and taking all the stuff away works. Never did for me.

This may not help, but back in the day of my teen/cigarette/pot-smoking days, it was not cool to get busted because you then became a liablility to your friends and once other parents found out, forget it. Not saying you want to encourage the behavior but it may come down to a tradeoff until he grows out of this. Insist on other behaviors, like good grades and getting to school on time and don't let it keep coming back to "don't smoke pot". That'll never work.

[rabid_nerd]

11. Give him a night in jail

Most police chiefs would be happy to set it up for you. They'd rather prevent having to do it in the future "for real".

Of course being on probation makes that touchy, but don't be afraid to ask for help or be advisarial against the police.

But this is small town advice, so it might not apply...

On Edit: Being on probation, he's probably already been there, huh?

So I guess that wouldn't work well... Hmm...

[Kimber Scott]

17. He hasn't been to "jail." Just arrested. I think jail would be a badge

of honor for him, if it was only for a short time, though.

[name not needed]

18. Get someone to talk to him about prison rape then.

It won't be a badge of honor after that.

[HEyHEY]

20. I suggesst Norm Macdonald

[Kimber Scott]

25. ?

[Kimber Scott]

24. LOL! I used to work in the jail! I've told him all of that stuff already

One night won't scare him, though. Not in juvenile and then he can brag to his friends about it. I'm not adverse to sending him there, though, if he doesn't straighten up. I'm about out of options, aren't I?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

22. I used to volunteer with street kids, and

every once in a while, some kid from a basically sound home would turn up for screening. It was easy to tell which kids were really throwaways/abused and which ones were just testing their parents.

The throwaways would get upset at the prospect of going home, and some would even threaten to kill themselves. The kids from basically sound homes would be afraid that their parents wouldn't take them back and would ask the people in the program to mediate for them.

Being rejected by his father must have been just a crushing blow for him, especially at an age when (IMHO) boys really need solid male role models. Is there an uncle, grandfather, older cousin, or family friend who could be a father figure?

Above all, do not let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. When I've listened to other people talk about how they handled their teenaged sons, mothers seem to regard teenage boy misbehavior with something close to hysteria, while fathers take a firm but more detached and almost amused approach.

[Kimber Scott]

27. He's my fourth son. I don't get too hysterical anymore.

Although, the first two didn't pull this kind of crap. The third one hates drugs, but still ended up getting in trouble. Guess what? First two had their father around. Last two - no father.

I'm remarried, but my husband came around about the same time my son was rejected by his own dad. Being ADHD, always getting into my husband's things, being jealous of him over me - they've never really connected. It's not a hostile relationship, it's basically no relationship. They tolerate each other because of me. That's it.

Other male figures in the family - uncle, grandfather, brothers - they all get mad at him for acting like an ass and don't want to do anything with him. That's why I'm on here tonight instead of discussing this with the rest of the family. I don't want them to be so mad at him. I don't want to add this incident to their list. Does that make sense?

[Obamarama]

26. Let me get this straight....

You have a 14 year old son who was arrested for drugs at school, is on probation, you found drug parahanelia in his room, he took off, you don't know where he is and you have no compunction to try to find out where he might be?

With all due respect, what do you need? A two-by-four to hit you over the head to realize your kid needs help? You need to get him into a real subtance abuse program, not some court-appointed MSW. The fact that he is ADHD and using drugs is a really dire combination. It does not bode well, especially when combined with your apparent lassiez-faire attitude toward the situation.

Your son is 14 and in trouble. If you don't want him to be 15 and in trouble, 16 and in trouble, 17 and in trouble, etc...you need to get your act together so you can help your son get your act together.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you asked for advice so there it is. I believe Ann Landers would have said "Wake up and smell the coffee."

[Kimber Scott]

30. WHO DO I CALL? This is the problem. I don't know who to call besides

the police. I don't want the police. They don't help. They appoint worthless counselors and make me pay probation fees I can't afford. I've tried many things - now, I'm trying something new. Asking you. Who do I call?

[MrSandman]

33. If you don't,

Any other minors in your home may be deemed at risk by CPS.

Talk to DHHR abot residential treatment. It is not easy, but from the sound of your post, you are at that point.

[Kimber Scott]

35. No other minors, but I will look into the residential treatment.

Thank you.

[MrSandman]

40. Google term...

"arizona+adolescent treatment"

Some resources.

[Obamarama]

42. Kimber, check your inbox....

n/t

[MrSandman]

28. Little late to ...

Not get the authorities involved. If you don't and he is picked up, you may find CPS swooping down on you for failure to provide supervision and placing not only your 14yo but any other minors in your home in foster care.

If his case is like the ones I know, he is probably violating probation which may also place you in a position of culpability if not reported.

YMMV

[rasputin1952]

29. Your son is going through some rough times...

14 is a crazy age, and I will be the first to say, he is going down a path that will lead to his self destruction if he keeps this up.

Finding ways to deal w/this is always tricky, once he's in w/the "cool" crowd, it is difficult to break away from those people.

I'm going through this w/my 16 yo son. He thought he was invulnerable, but got caught doing something stupid. I sit with him and we talk, probably the best thing you can do, is listen to where he is coming from. If he speaks with you about things, eventually, with a little guidance, he will come around. He'll be surprised at how he can work out his own answers as he talks to you.

As far as his father goes, unfortunately, there is not much you can do about that, and I'm almost positive, one of the major problems he is having is dealing with the thought his father "abandoned" him. I am also going through this w/my 16 yo. His mother always ran from problems, and once he started to think "he" was the problem, it was all downhill from there. When he finally opened up to me, we could start to work on the situation. He now knows that it had nothing to do w/him, and although he misses his mom, and talks to her often; it is getting better.

kids have a right to feel like they are wanted. Once contact was made, and there was no reciprocation as time went by, he probably fells like his father just doesn't care about him. Self destructive behavior like this, is a way to make you feel guilty. It is a selfish act, by someone who is just coming to realize his life is changing. He will come home, probably stoned; don't jump his tail about it.

When he gets straight, then is the time to talk. Catch him in the morning, and be calm and ready for outbursts. He's venting at the only person he knows loves him, and will take him back no matter what.

This will be a difficult road to go down. Stick w/the counselor, and make sure you two talk. He will say tings to the counselor that he will not tell you. Between the two of you, there should be a plan of action.

I suggest not getting the authorities involved, and do not give in to the temptation of returning some of the items you've banned from him, for just a little bit, then slowly increase the privileges. if you give in, this will become a more serious problem.

I am no shrink, I am just speaking from experience, and I sure hope this helps.

My thoughts are with you through these tough times...:)

[Kimber Scott]

50. Thank you. You make a lot of sense.

We just went out looking with no luck. I hope he comes home soon.

[TiredTexan]

32. You need to tell him about the drug forfeiture laws that

allow the state to take away homes, cars, and any other property owned by people involved in drug offenses. About 5 years ago, I handled a pro bono case for an 81 year old grandmother whose home had been seized by the state of Texas because her grandson was selling marijuana out of the home. She had no idea what he was doing, but they had taken the property claiming that she either knew or should have known. The case was ultimately transferred to another attorney who specialized in these types of cases, so I don't know how it was resolved. I did talk to the new attorney and he told me that law enforcement agencies were using these forfeiture laws as a money making machine, and they were seizing all sorts of property from innocent people whose relatives were using or selling drugs. In most of the cases he handled, the person whose property was seized was a parent like you had been trying to assist a child with a drug problem. And once the property is seized, the burden of proof is on the person trying to reclaim the property to prove they weren't aware of the drug offense. Obviously, it's very difficult to prove a negative, which is why the state wins most cases.

So, when he comes back, sit him down and tell him that there is more at stake here than just his safety, although that is a strong consideration. And explain these laws to him. I did this with my brother once (he's twelve years younger than me) and he quit using recreational drugs because of our conversation. It scared the tar out of him.

Another tactic that I've used with my sons (one is 16 and one 25) was to sit them down, and ask them what they would do if they had a child doing what they were doing. How would they react, and what would they do differently from how you handled it? What punishments would they think would be fair to impose on their own child in this instance, keeping in mind that they would be concerned about the health, safety, criminal record and future of the child. And then if they come up with a punishment that fits the crime, impose that one. If they can't come up with a punishment, give them a deadline to come up with it.

Surprisingly, I often found that they would come up with punishments that were harsher than what I thought was appropriate. To impose any punishment for a significant offense, we'd agree to the solution by signing a formal agreement which would include terms for what would happen if the agreement was broken.

Finally, I always try to tailor suggestions for punishment that are related to the offense. If curfew is missed, then they have to come home an hour earlier for the next month. If their grades are going down, then I require a list of every assignment due, and daily reports from teachers, as well as provide tutoring when needed. If drug use is involved, I'd require the child to provide a daily accounting log of all funds I gave him, and also that he agree to unannounced searches of his room and vehicle. I'd also prohibit contact with friends that he may be doing drugs with, and if serious and continuing problems occur with specific friends, convene meetings with the other child's parents. I also up the ante on crimes, and require community service. If marijuana is involved, the child has to pick a volunteer organization and work in it for a certain number of hours, just as though sentenced by a court.

As to skipping school, my daughter was skipping school frequently in spite of promising she would stop. I told her that if she did it again, that meant I couldn't trust her word that she would go on her own without supervision, so I'd just have to take a day off of work and go with her to school. She didn't believe me and skipped again. I took a day off, and followed her around school to all of her classes. She was furious and humiliated, and she never skipped school again. After seeing what happened to her, neither of my boys has ever skipped school without permission (or at least they are very careful not to get caught).

In any event, these are just some suggestions that have worked for me. However, every child is different, so I urge you to be creative and just hang on. In truth, we all just muddle through.

Best of luck.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

45. I found this hard to believe, so I asked my brother (the cop) and he

verified that you are exactly correct. KimberScott could lose everything if the boy is picked up with drugs on him in any quantity that could possibly be construed as "intent to sell."

:scared:

[miss_kitty]

46. i have heard that the 'following them around at school' is

extremely effective. generally it only takes once...i never skipped until my senior year because my mom would have done that very thing!

[miss_kitty]

34. YOU ALL need counseling

you can't fix this overnight or in a week or even a year. it took you 14 years to get to this point.

you and the hubby need counseling because the kid is out of control, and you don't know how to reign him back in. hubby needs to be in on it too; that is vital. sonny needs a counselor that can show him the way to self-respect and responsibility.

the asshole adult men that are rejecting him because he fucks up need a bitch-slapping.

i am sorry for your trouble. i have never had kids, but i was the worst goddamned teenager in the world, and my parents were messed up. nothing they could have done when i was 14 would have 'fixed' then shit that went on before i got there, because they did not have those skills. nor did they attempt to aquire them.

i wish you and your family well....

[Rowdyboy]

37. I offer neither advice nor criticism...I don't have kids (THANK GOD!)

I was raised in the 1950's and '60's so the circumstances were VERY different. Childrearing was much less sophisticated than it is today and parents were far less sensitive or analytical...I thought mine were total illiterate assholes, but I did generally obey them (or, at least, hide it very well when I smoked/drank etc).

Good luck in dealing with a 14 year old today. You have my sympathy and admiration for trying. As the partner of a former middle-school teacher, I truly feel your pain.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

41. I have a brother in law enforcement.

We were instant messaging when I saw your post, so I asked him.

He suggested that you file a police report. That puts your son into NCIC, the computer that cops run name checks from, and will ensure that he is promptly returned to you if he gets into any situation that involves authorities.

[splat]

43. He has a future

Best of luck to you.
I've been through it and out the other side with my daughter.
Just don't abandon your child.

And -- swat teams lead to bad outcomes. A hardline father I consulted headed a swat team, and refused to see his son unless he straightened out. Son finally came home, went to rehab, got out and was arrested for armed robbery and is spending 13 years is prison. The man's wife left him for being so cold and everything is terrible.

After talking to him, I decided to keep trying to offer unconditional love and normal, pleasant diversions. Eventually, she came out of it. When she had her own son, her first words were, "Mom, I understand now, I'm so sorry."

The local "Tough Love" leaders admitted it's to keep the parents sane. It doesn't bring back the kid.

Their families are destroyed, we're close again.

Maybe he'll stay away. Hunt him down, say you miss him.
Don't give up on your child. The bond is stronger than the hormones.
Keep loving him.

[Kimber Scott]

51. It's one of my biggest fears with the police. You call for help and

they shoot your kid. It's happened several times here in Phoenix. And, I'm not anti-law enforcement. My dad used to be a cop and I worked as a detention officer in the county jail. I just know how things get blown out of proportion. I don't want to call them unless it's my last resort.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

47. Oh please!

most of you sound like freepers! The kid is 14 and he smokes dope. You didn't? Give me a break! He is just like every 14 year old I have ever met (including me.) and he will be just fine. He dosn't need an intervention, he just needs some love.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

48. No, I didn't.

Nor do the vast majority of 14 year olds I know. Perhaps kids are getting smarter.

[Cheswick2.0]

69. yeah I did too when I was 12-13, and it was a mistake I corrected at 14

The kid's in trouble and thank God you are not his father.
He is getting busted at school. He is running away and cutting classes. He is going down a very bad path.

[Yupster]

83. I didn't

Neither did anyone I knew.

I found out what dope was in college.

At 14 I went swimming and played baseball.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

49. Counseling...sound familiar?

You need counseling as a family, and he needs individually as well.

Make sure he understands that this isn't some kind of punishment; but that you love him, and want to help him deal with his anger. Explain your frustration in as unemotional a way as possible. Be prepared to change your relationship with him to accomodate his growing pains; and help him understand that you have needs as well.

I found that having a young male counselor really helped with my son.

Good luck... :hug:

[Kimber Scott]

52. Young male counselor? Good idea. I hope we can find one.

He's still not home. 11:06 p.m. He left around 7.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

53. Does he have a curfew?

Sounds like the proverbial pushing limits and reaching for more independence...

Much of my son's anger stemmed from his brothers (my stepsons)leaving to live with their mother when he was about 5, and practically ignoring him after that. In the last few months, my younger stepson's taken an interest in getting to know him again, and that's helped somewhat. Although, my 17 year old son's a better role model than my 25 year old stepson, I'm afraid...

[jdj]

54. I don't have kids, but I am alcoholic/addict (recovering)

all I can suggest is for you, and that is al-anon and narc-anon (offshoots of AA and NA for the family members of addicts).

Narc-anon would be better because of the illegality issues, although all drugs are illegal for a fourteen year old.

It would be helpful for you to talk to parents who have actually been through this, and you would have people to confide in who really understand.

It sounds like he is trying to give all his male role-models a reason to reject him so he won't be hurt again. If it's really internal stuff, and if he is addicted, then this could go on and on and on,and you will need some contacts to help you through the process and remind you of the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Time will tell if this is just a phase or not, or if he is a true-blue addict. No one can predict, and it offends me that some are trying.

The love of my life had hippie parents, who grew their own, and gave him a bag every week in lieu of an allowance starting at about 12. They thought this was okay, all kids smoke pot in high school. His sister turned out fine, even square, but he kept going into harder and harder drugs, last I heard (a few years ago) he was hopelessly hooked on crank, living on the street in San Francisco, sleeping in cardboard boxes. I don't know if he is alive or dead. Everyone's chemistry is different, so it's unpredictable what path he will end up on. This could be a bumpy ride, so do yourself a favor and surround yourself with people who will love and support you through this. (You can call AA and get #'s for al-anon) It's not religious, I'm agnostic and there are many atheists too.

Counselors sometimes don't know dick about addiction. Sounds harsh, but it is true (not that they aren't useful, they are). I had a relapse after nine years clean in '01, and the counselor I went to said it "didn't count". He was so wrong, I had to deal with other addicts who understood what that did to my body and mind. It's best to deal with people in the same circumstance.

You'll be in my thoughts

[jackieforthedems]

55. Right Now, It Helps To Keep Them Busy

I have 2 sons - one is disabled and will be 11 in October ( he cannot really get into any trouble ), and his hobbies are bowling ( with a special ramp ) and the movies. My other son will be 10 in January. He has been acting since he was 5, is big into dance with an all boys class, and is in USA Team Swimming also. He was on Student Council last year ( 3rd grade ), and keeping the boys busy has been the answer for us. I don't know what things will be like at age 14, but I can imagine there will be challenges. I ran away twice as a teen, but I always came home. As far as drugs, etc... I was scared straight regarding them (never even smoked cigarettes), because my half brother who lived in California got pretty messed up with drugs and died from an overdose when he was 24 and I was only about 9. Just seeing how his death affected my mother was enough to keep me away from all that stuff. My boys know what happened to my half brother, too, and I have, and keep stressing how I would be very disappointed if they ever decided to engage in such behavior. I cannot stress enough to them that there are so many better things to be doing with your life than wasting it. It seems to be working well so far - hopefully, keeping them busy, etc... will keep them on the right path. We also attend church regularly, which seems to help also. Good luck! I'm sure your son will return, and when he does, maybe a good heart to heart and letting him know how much you love him may help. I would say that everyone has free will, but that you know he can do better. Reverse psychology can work wonders, too sometimes - alot like redirecting bad behavior with a young child. I would start talking to him about what he plans to do when he is through with high school - college, etc... Take him down for a drive near a homeless shelter and explain that this can be the result if he doesn't take his life a little more seriously. I took my 9 year old to work in a homeless shelter (a project through our church over this Summer). We only worked there for one evening - for about 3-4 hours. He understood very fast how things were there, and does appreciate what he has more than he did before. I hope everything works out for you and your son!

[jackieforthedems]

57. P.S.

Regarding the father situation with your son, I wonder if it may help to tell him he is now the man of the house and that you're depending on him to help you keep the household running smoothly, etc? Just an idea.

[Diogenes2]

56. Ease off

Jesus Christ, you invaded his room & found a bong so you took his computer, TV, etc. You are making his life at home a living hell... no wonder he wants to leave. Kids need to have a place to relax, feel like they won't be bothered, hassled, attacked. Mellow out... your hysteria about his bong is NOT helping. And if he can't get high at home he'll go elsewhere. Your idea about turning him over to the "authorities" is awful. Why don't you try respecting him a little more & quit trying to make all his lifestyle decisions for him. He hangs with his friends because he is getting ZERO understanding from you.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

58. Interesting response

even if it is the least compassionate. I suspect her son has already said the same things to her in the same boorish manner.

I'd say "easing off" sounds great, except her son has been arrested and is on probation. The next time he gets caught, things won't be so easy for him. This isn't about Kimber wanting to punish her son; it's about her wanting to keep his ass out of jail...which will do horrible things to a 14 year old.

When you're a parent of a teenager, you'll understand that the screaming hormones of adolescence do not only wreak havoc on the teen.

[Diogenes2]

59. Excuse me

But her son probably thinks it IS about punishing him. She takes everything away that he uses to make contact with the world around him-- his computer, his music, his phone... she goes nuts because he wants to smoke a little weed... heck, tell him he can ONLY smoke at home & not elsewhere... ANYTHING, but quit hounding him. Yeah, he was arrested... for having a little weed. So now the community is punishing him for NORMAL, exploratory behavior. Get it straight, it is all this heavy-handed condemnation that is ruining everything. The kid sounds clever, charming & perhaps smarter than we are. Except the law came down on his ass. It's all this familial, societal invasiveness, this arrogant cop-in-your-face, I-always-know-better-than-you psychodrama that is exacerbating what may simply be a little glitch in this kid's basically well-behaved (as far as I can tell) lifestyle-- he's not carrying a gun or attacking anyone, is he? Be on his side... if the law is hassling him... be on his side. Make that a priority.

[RummyTheDummy]

67. Great response

What, are you like 12?

[Cheswick2.0]

70. How old are you?

:eyes:

[Yupster]

84. If he's on probation and taking drugs

I think mom has an intereswt to be tough. Better her than the police.

[politicat]

60. taking away the material things doesn't improve the situation.

As is proved by current behavior. In 7 years of practice, I've never once seen the "make the room barren" technique work. It causes escalation - what can she do to me now if I've already lost everything?

Once again, you're at a point where logical consequences are the only thing that will work - just like when he was two. Do remind him that any drug convictions will lose him all hope of financial aid, so if he wants to go to college, laying off drugs is a really good idea.

What's school like? Is there an alternative school in your area? The thousands of distractions in the typical public school may be too much for him. Also, after-school activities are critical. Though I never thought I'd be recommending this, if you can find a church with a skate-punk group, get him involved. While Jesus isn't the best mind-altering substance out there, it's better than pot. If you can't stomach that, try martial arts. Shodokan (misspelled) can be very good since it's very defensive. YOU go take tae kwon do or kickboxing. (You need to stay one step ahead of him.) OR

If you as a family have any interest in the Renaissance or the Middle Ages, go to Encanto Park on Wednesday nights and get involved with either The Society for Creative Anachronism or The Adrian Empire. (I recommend the latter, but you have to decide if you prefer bamboo substitutes for swords or real, blunt swords.) Both groups are very good at redirecting anger and frustration and engaging a child's mind. www.adrianempire.org and www.sca.org

I'm not sure if I'd recommend residential treatment at this point, but I don't have all of the details. Residential can cause more problems than it solves, thanks to the feeling of being locked up, thrown away and punished that can happen. However, if he's violent, it may be the only option.

A psychiatrist is a must - not a gp - for meds. A younger, male psychologist - not a social worker - is also a good idea. Call ASU and ask for the psych department and a list of recent grads with Masters of Counseling. They should be able to fax it to you.

Don't go the Charter route until there are no other options - Charter will take him until your insurance is used up, and then pop him back out, usually worse for the wear because tehy only get a short way into treatment. Also, boot-camps are not the answer. Those are short term solutions.

PM me if you wish - I did my graduate work in Phoenix at CommCare and grew up in the area. Best wishes.

Politicat

[Kimber Scott]

64. I'll call ASU. I'm a student there, myself.

As for the "logical consequences." We've been through that already. And it's not just conjecture. He already cannot get a driver's license in this state until he's 18, because of a marijuana conviction at 14. Apparently, even that wasn't enough to change his behavior. I'm beginning to believe nothing "works." He's going to do what he's going to do, but I don't have to put up with it.

He has many opportunities to participate in activities with us, or with "church" people doing "church" stuff - not religious stuff, but activities planned for people his age - repelling, fixing cars, dancing, basketball, hiking, camping, etc.. So, it's not like he's without other things to do. He chooses not to. Those things aren't "cool."

The ASU idea sounds good. Thanks.

[politicat]

79. You might try SCA or Adria...

Those are completely without reference for kids his age - they can't be cool or uncool because he has no frame of reference for such an activity. And then it's also not an "us" activity - it's a group activity where he has his own organization within the larger structure (especially if someone's willing to take him on as man at arms or squire) and you have yours.

I saw it help a lot of kids. It might work for ya'll.

Go, Devils. (tongue in cheek.)

Pcat

[Champ]

61. I was in a similar situation at that age

I started all that at the same age, things were great at first until my mom found evidence that I have been smoking weed. I even ran away for 3 days because we've been fighting everyday and the only thing that made me go back home was the Police Officer that pulled me over because he was wondering what a 14 year old kid was doing walking along side an Interstate Highway. Basically what I'm trying to say he is very young and the more you try to affect change in his behavior the more he'll resist. Honestly if I were you, I would encourage him never to take drugs on school and allow him to do whatever in his room because it is better then doing that on the street where he can get caught or get into alot of trouble. There is nothing my mom could've done to get me to stop at that age and I don't think your son will stop either because I know many 14+ year olds today that nothing their parents will do will get them to quit. Infact the more they try, the more the kids resist and push away. I hate to say it but things are probaly going to get worse unless you sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation w/the kid rather then keep trying to punish him. Reason is because you took away probaly his most valuable house possessions and he still continued with his lifestyle. As for trying to find the kid wait a few days, if he is still missing you have no choice but to call the police to fill out a missing children's report. Also go around town a put up posters of your kid, next thing you know you might hear a phone call from some place because a worker from Burger King recognized your kid walking in. You never know.

[Kimber Scott]

62. We've had many heart to hearts. He says it's just a phase.

Maybe, it is. Maybe, it isn't. But, I can't ignore it, or condone it. He has already been arrested and no matter what anyone's opinions about marijuana, including my own, it is still illegal and he is on probation. For me to turn a blind eye and allow him to continue to smoke it, without consequence, would not only make me derilict in my duty as a parent, but complicit in his illegal behavior. I am not going to allow him to continue on with all of his privledges and possessions when he refuses to respect me, the law, or this house. If it's not me taking his things away, it will be Joe Arpaio. At the very least, grounding, and/or taking away "liesure" items signals my displeasure with his behavior. Whether it works, or not, I don't HAVE to give him those things. They are extras. It works for me. He has all the power in this situation. I need to have the feeling of some control.

It's 12:48 p.m. He's still not home. We went and filed a run-away report. They said to call them when he came home. They won't go looking for him.

I'm tired.

Thank all of you for your suggestions and your kindness. I may not have responded to all of them, but I have read them all, so far, and have taken them to heart. You've been very helpful. Goodnight.

[Swamp Rat]

65. You are doing fine

I was sorta like your son when I was 14. Most likely he'll grow out of this, but you are right to protect him from himself. Get him in counseling ASAP, and you should actively participate in group sessions with him as well. You both need a safe place to communicate your feelings.

Good luck.

[sasquatch]

63. Check him into an asylum

It sounds to me like he has some heavy mental issues that a stay in a rubber room will probably fix. Not only that but being in a mental ward wouldn't be as "cool" to his friends as spending a night in jail.

[RummyTheDummy]

66. Military school?

:shrug:

[DrWeird]

68. I say give him back his stuff and smoke a fatty with him.

Jesus Christ, it's only marijuana. It's not like he's drinking or voting republican or anything bad.

[rasputin1952]

74. Fine, right up to the time he gets his next UA, and probation...

finds out he's still using. I'm sure that the court will be happy w/that idea. My son had a UA done on him 6 mo's after he went on probation, just as he was ready to get off, it was "hot", and they added a year to the probation. Not exactly the direction one wants to go...:(

[DrWeird]

78. Ah, unjust authority figures with unjust punishment.

Certainly something to watch out for.

Which is probably why the kid took off.

[Cheswick2.0]

71. Kimber, I have been through this

it is bad and will get worse unless you can find a miracle cure.

You have been given lots of advice on this thread. Some of it is idiotic. You son is indeed in trouble and headed down the wrong path.
I am not going to bore you with a repeat of what others have already said. However be honest and ask youself if drugs/alcohol is a family pattern? Do either of his parents keep pot in the sock drawer? Are you taking tranqs or narcotic pain killers everyday? Is a drink or two beers a nightly ritual?
If any of that is true then change in him is only possible if you get honest too.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

73. If he's on probation, call his probation officer.

I wish you lived in my area and he'd be sent to our detention center(where I used to work). Makes kids think twice about breaking the law. Anyway, I think that you should get the authorities involved. That's what they're for. Call the sheriff's office or call his probation officer. It just might help him.
Duckie

[NashVegas]

75. "phone, t.v., computer, stereo and video games"

Your kid has all these instruments to isolate himself from you in his room and you're worried about a bong?

Like so many others have said, you need family counseling.

[uncle ray]

77. change the locks

of course he can actually come back when he straightens up, but he heeds to realize that he is not an adult yet, he still need you.

the drugs and cigs are not the problem, they are a symtom, don't attack them, take care of the problem, and the drugs cigs and booze will go away. make sure he knows that you would rather get up in the middle of the night to haul his drunk stoned ass up from a party than to have him picked up by the po-po. you CAN be his friend by laying off the substance issue, teach him what it means to be responsible. does money come easy to him? i'm guessing it does. let him know that it is ok for a responsible adult to consume them, after a day's work is done. it doesn't sound like he equates a dime sack to actually having to flip burgers for 3 hours to pay for it! some "tough financial times" for the family, requiring his help might do wonders for him, make him choose to be the man of the house.

i say keep the police out of the family matters, however bad things might be to hash out, bringing the police in on your side will surely turn him away, as it probably already has. think of it this way, YOU are the evil republican neocon, HE is the peaceful hippie protester, and the police are...the police. sicking the jack-booted thugs on him "for his own good" will only make things worse.

the crazy approach i would take, would be zero tolerance on cigs, and education on marijuana. cigs addict and kill, period, no debate. smoking lots of pot ain't good for you, but not as bad as cigs. now here's a news flash, given the choice, most people that smoke both pot and cigs, would choose pot over cigs, but because of situations etc, they'll settle for cigs. a pot smoking teen will likely grow out of it, a cig smoking teen will be addicted for life. ask him if he knows what 4:20 means, what ir REALLY means. it's common knowledge that it's stoner speak for "time to get high", but think about the time, the day's work is done, time to relax. that means no wake and bake before school. though wake and bake on saturday morning is just fine, cough cough!

i'm sure it will all be ignored anyway, but the only advice i can give is on the substance use part of things, as i am nonparent, by choice, so sleep easier knowing that!

[SW FL Dem]

80. I don't have any advice but I hope for the best n/t

[Maddy McCall]

81. Has he come home yet?

What a very troubling story. :hug: