Per Guy Fawkes' Request - a DU joke thread

[politicat]

If you've seen this one before, add your own.

Republican National Convention Schedule

Schedule for the opening day of the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

6:00 P.M. - Opening prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 P.M. - Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 P.M. - Ceremonial Burning of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution

(excluding the Second Amendment)

6:45 P.M. - Salute to the "Coalition of the Willing"

6:46 P.M. - Seminar 1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 P.M. - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 P.M. - Trent Lott - "Resegregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 P.M. - EPA Address 1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"

8:00 P.M. - Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 P.M. - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 P.M. - John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"

8:30 P.M. - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)

8:50 P.M. - Seminar 2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"

9:00 P.M. - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 P.M. - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 P.M. - EPA Address 2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"

9:30 P.M. - Break for secret meetings

10:00 P.M. - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 P.M. - Carl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"

10:30 P.M. - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho
Even When You Feel Squishy Inside"

10:35 P.M. - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 P.M. - John Ashcroft demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 P.M. - GOP's tribute to tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 P.M. - Ann Coulter's tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

10:50 P.M. - Seminar 3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"

11:10 P.M. - Hilary Clinton Piñata

11:20 P.M. - John Ashcroft lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"

11:30 P.M. - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 P.M. - Blame Clinton

11:40 P.M. - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 P.M. - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 P.M. - Closing prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 Mid - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

1. What's the difference between a conservative and a savings bond?

The bond will, eventually, mature. :D

[Guy Fawkes]

2. This atom walks into the bar...

and the bar tender asks him, "You look sad, why?" The atom responds: "I've lost an electron!" The bartender thinks for a moment, and asks, "Are you sure?" The atom responds: "I'm positive"!

[Swede]

3. Here's to paying for the war Nascar style

[Swede]

4. Politics...Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies:

"The President is screwing the Working Class,

While the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored

And the Future is in deep shit!"

[Swede]

5. Florida 2004

[politicat]

6. bad link

deleted